The Almighty Johnsons (2011) s03e13 Episode Script

- Jurmangand is stirring.
- Yes, Mike.
Big time.
Ragnarok's the end of the world because everybody dies.
- Gods and mortals.
- I don't even know why I had to find Frigg, but now I get it! And the first thing I'll do is deal wih Jormungand and therefore stop Ragnarok.
- I also hear you think you're Odin.
- Would it be so bad if it was true? - We found Frigg.
- Really? Wow, you spend your whole life waiting for Odin to show up and when he does there's two of them.
It must be my lucky day! - She has to choose.
- There's no room for confusion.
There's no choice to make, Mike.
- I'm ready.
- For what? For you, Anders.
Have you thought about after the Gar? After the pure light, what happens then? It would be fair to say we got it spectacularly wrong.
We goddesses feel a return to the old ways would be a big step backwards.
I know it seems like a huge mistake on our behalf.
- Yeah, well, everyone's treating it like it is.
- But when you think about it, it's one word.
Instead of we get our powers and rule over it let's get our powers and roll over it.
There's hardly any difference.
Cheer up, man! You're about to become a god.
Proper god.
I want to be a god here, not in Asgard.
Going home, Bragi.
Yeah, but you're Loki.
You can just do whatever shit you want just for laughs.
Meanwhile, I'm god of poetry, and Asgard has probably gods like you.
I'll be like the seffeminate kid in all boys boarding school.
So when Odin and Frigg are reunited in this pure light thing, pure light thing, it's off to Asgard we go.
- Bye-bye Hod.
- And what about Ty? Ty is left behind.
What? That's the best news ever.
Why aren't you grinning like a loon? Because it's not the best news ever.
So, on behalf of those of us left behind in Midgard, what what about Ragnarok? It makes sense to be in Asgard to deal with the Jormungand.
True, and it's adios Odin and Axl left behind.
Apparently.
- No, I will never forget you.
- Yes, you will! I will not allow that to happen again.
No.
No.
It's on now! Quick! Jormungand is stirring.
Big time.
Come on, admit it.
It would have been hilarious.
- If you say so.
- You're buggering off to Asgard, Asgard leaving your mortal husks behind.
The whole city suddenly forgets their mayor.
"Who was that guy? What's his name? What did he look like? Did we actually elect anyone?" It's genius.
You've ruined it with your take on morality.
Across every continent there's been loss of life.
Is that why you're still here to punish me? I'm here to keep you company as we count down the hours to the end of the world as we know it.
Hey, you do realize afterwards you'll be the P.
R guy that no one remembers, right? Talk about irony! Oh, thank the stars, Michelle! Anders here is being a dead loss conversation-wise.
Hi.
Oh, tell me how's game boy taking the news he's soon to be playing all Bob the Builder? Well, you'll have to ask him that yourself, Colin.
Am I missing something here? Well, if it's one of your testicles that's because I kicked it up in the vicinity of your liver.
- Mm, good bacon though.
- From memory you're a vegetarian.
Since I was a little girl, to piss my mother off.
Oh, man, how good bacon is.
Mm, man.
Have you changed brothers, you minx? - Yes, Colin, I mostly definitely have.
- Amazing.
I'll be in bed when you get rid of your mate.
That's your cue to leave, Colin.
But I cooked breakfast and everything.
Where's the love? Love died ages ago.
Now fuck off! - That was quick.
- I'm on a schedule.
Hurry up.
I thought I would have heard from you last night.
Anders I need to feel a warm human body against mine.
I don't want to talk.
All these disasters all over the world at the same time and still, the so-called experts say they're in no way connected.
You got this? Yeah.
Have you? Yeah, I have.
Where are you going? There are too many possibilities.
That's the problem, so I'm starting with away from here, seeing where that takes me.
the devastation caused by the swarm of disasters.
- And while there was no loss of life in the - Hey Mike.
Hey.
I just wanted to check you were okay, you know, after the earthquake.
Yes, Axl, there was an earthquake.
Yeah, among all the other things, eh? Crazy day for the planet.
I suppose you're here to tell me it was all the work of a giant snake.
- Serpent, yeah.
- Sorry.
- serpent.
- Come on, Mike.
Even you have to admit this is a sign some serious godly shit is happening.
And you're the man to save the world, are you? Odin goes back to Asgard and does what it takes to make this right.
That's why you need to back off now.
Back off? How? - By telling Hanna you're not Odin.
- How can I tell her that if I don't know for a fact it's true? Come on, Mike.
This is too important for you to be ego-tripping.
She chooses her Odin.
That is the rule, right? Apparently.
It is too late for either of us to back out now.
- I'm not backing out! - So, we wait for her to choose.
- But she has to choose today.
- Why? - Because the end is nigh? - Don't be a dick, Mike! The signs are in.
- She has to choose.
- Then maybe we should go and ask her.
Yeah, we should.
You said she was here.
- Heimdallr must have done his thing on her.
- What thing? When he shifts her across the realms, I can't follow her.
You have to experience it to understand, she's not here.
Bullshit.
You just don't want me to talk to her.
Of course it's unlocked.
See, not here.
I'm not bullshitting you.
I don't know where she is.
She will choose when she chooses.
Same as it ever was.
Mike, isn't that yours? Yeah.
What are you doing? Michelle.
Hey? I thought about robbing a bank and then running out into the street and throwing all the money into the air, but then I thought that's just going to reward the lazy assholes who didn't have the balls to rob the bank in the first place.
I had a million thoughts about what to do with the time I have and they all just turned into this big noise that drove me here to curl up in a ball as it ticks away.
It is really fucking pathetic.
What the hell has happened? - I went to talk to your girlfriend.
- Oh, Jesus.
We were talking and there was tea.
I remember that.
And then everything went black.
It wasn't you, was it, who killed me? I understand if it was.
You don't seem very dead.
I got better.
Don't you know? Death is a minor obstacle for us goddesses.
What an awesome and useful power.
Not as useful as a girl might hope for.
The thing is you're not alive-alive.
You are alive.
You're not some zombie so you don't have to worry about that but your mortal body is only alive as long as Frigg inhabits me, like you're running on power from my battery.
And when Frigg returns to Asgard? Sjofn will travel with her but Michelle will not survive, I'm afraid.
She will die.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Ah, just relax.
Oh, this feels weird.
It's not weird.
Well, yes, it is weird but to a lot of people, it's not so you just need to pretend to be one of those people.
- Is it not weird to you? - No.
- Well, yes, but it's necessary.
- I'm still not convinced.
No answer.
We'll just have to catch up later.
So she's dead, - but she's not dead.
- Yes.
Where is she? Thank you for rounding them up.
Ah, it was fun being in the same car as two weeping I think you know how I feel about hugging.
The issue, as I see it is that the hammer that killed Michelle, and yeah she's dead, she's running on fumes.
That hammer was here.
The only way it could have got there is Martin.
And this is the guy that we need to trust with not only our future but apparently the future of the entire fucking planet.
Well, I did say, Mike, that Heimdallr is traditionally mad as a kept snake.
And yet we need to believe him about this Gahr thing? No.
You need to believe me when I say it has to happen, Mike.
We're taking our friend away from the tension now for some solitude, just the three of us.
Anders, if you're worried, it's not actually necrophilia if the corpse still has a pulse.
She was the one who used me.
That still don't make it right, Anders.
Shall we go with him? He's your glorious leader.
Do what you like.
You do know that I knew it was over between the you two, right? Otherwise I never would have gone there.
How else would you rub my nose in it that it was over? It's not like that.
I mean, maybe for her, it was but I definitely understood that you'd moved on to Frigg.
I guess the best thing for you is if this Gahr thing werenever go happen.
Correct, Stacey.
Frigg dying old and unmarried is my favourite option right about now.
What if you just don't turn up to the Gahr? It would buy me however long it takes to find another godly being to make up the numbers and I drop dead wherever I am.
Is it too soon to start drinking? - No.
- Stupid question in my case, isn't it? Where is he? No idea.
The room was empty when I arrived.
This one's new though.
You know what this is? - The Midgard Serpent.
- Exactly.
Jormungand.
You know, your brother may be a murdering freak, but he's on the money there.
I told you not to leave this room.
- Martin.
Martin, listen to me - Not now.
I have to play this.
Why? It has to be done.
Are you sure? Very, very sure.
There blows Heimdallr.
His horn is aloft.
This is about Ragnarok, isn't it It's coming, isn't it? Yes, as far as I understand it, when he plays his music, that's a sign Ragnarok is coming.
Which is what I've been saying all along, which is why you need to drop all this shit and choose.
- Please go.
- I know it's me! But I don't care if it's Mike.
You just need to fucking choose.
No, what I need is to look after my brother right now and then I'll talk to you.
Now go.
Are you in love with Frigg? - Hannah.
- I'll take that as a yes.
No.
Take it as an I don't know.
I'm going to go with yes.
Man, I so want to meet her.
Maybe she'll lay her eyes on me and, boom, another contender for the crown.
You can put that theory of yours to the test.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hannah, this is my other brother, Anders.
Bragi.
Hi there.
- I really need to talk to Mike.
- Okay.
That answers that.
Nice to meet you.
You did your Cinderella thing again without not even a goodbye.
I shouldn't really have come here at all but I needed to get away.
Mike, I need to tell you something because you deserve to know first.
All I'm saying is that I didn't expect the end of the world to be heralded with jazz music.
Yeah, well, it was.
In my head, I had Heimdallr blowing one of those Swiss Alpine horns.
Why would a Norse god blow a Swiss horn? Strictly speaking, a saxophone isn't even a horn.
It's a woodwind.
I'm just saying.
I'll get that.
Trying to be, you know, useful and everything.
My lord, Odin, All-Father.
Lord of hosts, knower of many things, destroyer, protector, I'm your Frigga.
I'm your queen and I'm yours.
I found this.
Shouldn't you be with your Odin? Cheering him on on a quest well done? Axl has Zeb for his cheering squad.
Besides, I like drinking with losers.
They appreciate me more.
Cheers.
I can't decide between these - and these.
- So get them both.
- Can I? - On behalf of the estate of Michelle Brock, who will be dealing with the credit card bill she so rashly ran up on the days and hours before her untimely death, I hereby authorize you to buy as many fucking pairs of shoes as you want.
So, I can get these ones then? Yes, Ingrid.
That is the gist of what I just said.
Stacey: That's her.
Hello.
That's great.
Okay, I'll spread the word.
Bye.
The one true Odin has been found.
- And the winner is? - Axl.
So we've been summoned to salute the happy couple? No But the Gahr has been set for tomorrow morning.
Talk about your whirlwind engagements/death sentence.
Well, you probably have things to do to prepare for departure, as it were.
What about you? Off to steal a very expensive car.
Thanks, Axl.
Yeah.
Thanks for calling.
We'll be fine.
We will be fine because we have a plan and the plan will work.
Yes, Axl, I will be there.
Apparently this has to happen at exactly the right time so there is no way you can be late.
- I won't be.
- Good.
And, uh, can you do me a favour? - As Axl or as Odin? - Both.
I need you to make sure Mike gets there.
- I don't want him bailing just because he lost.
- You can tell him yourself if you want.
He's right here.
The All-Father would like a word.
Hello Axl.
I don't want there being any, bad blood between us about what happened.
She made her choice.
Nothing to do with you or me.
You have to be there tomorrow.
I will be.
Good.
I have to go If it's any consolation, I was totally with you on how mad the whole giant serpent thing sounded.
Thank you, Anders.
- Hello - Mikkel! Just heard the news.
You must be gutted.
So near yet so far.
That was a bit rude.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey! - Hey.
Why didn't you tell me? - For fuck's sake, not you as well? Because we have a cock and vagina relationship rather than a share each other's pain relationship Okay.
Guess you think I'm doubly pathetic coming back here again.
No.
- No.
I am curious though.
- I'm worried about you.
- Why? - The Odin thing.
Well, thank you for your concern - but I'm fine.
- So So, I just wasted my very limited, very valuable time caring about the prick who dumped me? Yeah, that seems unfair, doesn't it? - Want a drink? - Here? No.
Too many memories.
More wasted time What do you want to do with your time? Kill that fucking brother of her's.
I don't think it ends well for the planet if you do that.
Then I want to go out and have fun while I still can.
Although when it comes to fun, I'm probably talking to the wrong person here.
- Ah, I'm here.
Fun is my best feature.
- True.
Anders and I shall go out and have fun.
Oh, so suddenly I'm not invited? Will you remove the broomstick from up your ass? No.
Yeah.
Okay.
Consider it removed.
Michelle, is this car stolen? Liberated from a salesman under the impression that he'd get in my pants sif he let me take it for a test drive.
- Hey, can I drive? - No.
You're in the back.
Are you sure about this? I've had Ullr on my back for 15 years.
It's time he paid me back.
Now you turn into the Mike I've always wanted.
It sucks.
There's nothing unusual.
Nothing unusual at all.
Why don't you call it a night? Go home.
22.
The house is bust.
Oh, Mikkel, are you home? You hung up on me before.
So it was very rude.
When I had a broken arm, I might add.
That was a bit off.
Mikkel, I'd love to talk through some of these issues with you.
But seeing you're not here, I guess I'll just have to leave a message.
I do so hate leaving messages.
So be it.
Oh, shoot.
We could have been spectacular.
You do know that, don't you? Until I snapped one night and strangled you in your sleep.
Or I chopped you with my chainsaw.
I do love my chainsaw.
I could tell.
I'm going to miss my chainsaw.
I'm going to miss you.
- Really? - Yeah.
Actually really.
Wait a sec.
.
Yeah.
Hello.
Yep.
Do you think the god of poetry gets sodomized in Asgard? I think that would be more of a Greek thing but I'm sure they'll make an exception for you.
Ah, shoot.
If you want to stop losing all our money, I have another idea.
- Your money? - That Mike and I won together by combining our powers.
Thank you.
We could go back to my place.
- One for the road.
- So to speak.
I think we had our shot, don't you? Besides, don't you want to Bragi one more actual woman for the last time? No.
I'm good here.
That was the police.
My bar just burnt to the ground.
- Colin.
- Colin.
What a cock.
I was going to suggest we go back there for a nightcap.
- Bugger.
- Well I guess it's onwards till sunrise.
Okay.
- To sunrise.
- To sunrise.
What do you think Asgard will be like? I don't know that I'll even know.
True When you split into your component parts.
I do wonder but it's like trying to imagine infinity.
It makes my brain hurt.
As long as the world gets saved, eh.
That's the main thing.
Might turn in, bro.
Big day tomorrow.
Saving the world and everything.
Yeah.
I'm going to get old.
Not sure if I'm meant to take this.
Freki can't help you there.
Zeb, this is the one god thing I'm absolutely sure you're not allowed to come to.
Got that.
Besides, I wouldn't want to end up in the forest with a bunch of strangers, would I? You're not going to forget me.
Just like I didn't forget Ty when he wasn't a god anymore.
I've got to go.
Good luck with everything, eh? Ta.
And, uh, thanks for getting me here.
Freki out.
Tyrone.
My money was on you not showing up at all.
Where's the lovely mortal Dawn? I'm still Hod for a few more minutes, Colin.
Lot of damage I can do in that time.
Greetings! And how are we all on this auspicious day? Personally, I'm a bit under the weather.
Shagged myself senseless last night.
Gave the old god rocket one last trip around the block.
What did you lot get up to? Okay.
Sorry for asking.
Oh god, please.
No.
Not more hugging.
All I'm saying is that you didn't have to let her lose the lot.
She was having fun.
Mikkel.
- Did you get my message? - Yes, Colin, I did.
Thank you.
- Pleasure.
- No, I mean sincerely, thank you.
See, I've been expecting your message for a while now so you wouldn't believe how unbelievably well insured I am.
Love your work.
Glad to be of help.
There he is.
The man of the hour.
The groom.
Colin.
Still being a cock right up to the end, I see.
We're ready now.
Heindallr stands guard at the stopping point between the Bifrost and the.
It's always been his appointed task.
And the actual wedding ceremony? I am the goddess of marriage.
- Do I need this? - Hannah: No.
Is it clothes on or off ceremony? Clothes on.
Cool.
I give you my word, Michelle, that the first thing I'll do when I'm Odin is to bring you back to life.
- That's sweet of you.
- I mean it.
Oh, no, not blood.
Whoa! Now this is a wedding! Ha-ha! Kids, whatever he's on, do not try it.
It's all good, Axl.
Odin has found his beloved.
They are united.
No! No.
Heimdallr has taken the Bifrost Bridge to watch over Asgard.
Martin has finished his task and has being granted entrance into Yellow-brue.
Did he know that was going to happen to him? Martin knew if this day would ever arrive, he would die in the process.
- Good fucking job.
- Holy shit.
Oh my lord! Serves him right, no offense, frankly your brother hit me with a a fucking hammer and now my head hurts like a motherfucking bitch.
Yes! - Odin! You're the man! Can I ask you a question? - Odin and Frig are reunited, right? - Yes.
Does that mean you and I have to stay together here on earth? - You want a divorce, Axl? - Not if it means, like, the end of the world again.
I mean, it's not that I don't like you.
You're really hot.
But I just don't know if you and I have that much in common anymore.
Maybe you could talk to Mike about it.
He knows way more than me about pretty much everything except for who is and isn't Odin.
Do you feel any different? I feel lighter.
Yeah, me too.
Hey Grandpa,s can I ask you a question? As an ex-Oracle, I'm under no obligation to answer.
Do you think right now, Odin is kicking Jormungand back into line? - Yes, I think he is.
- I saved the world! How cool is that? Put it on your CV for your next pizza delivery job.
Oh man, the sword's gone.
That was the best part about being Odin.
So what do you think? Stuff we need to talk about.
I reckon.
Lunch? Lunch is always good.
- I ache already.
- Oh man up, Grandpa.
Right then.
You Johnsons.
I'd like to say it's been a pleasure knowing you, but it really hasn't.
And the asshole part of his personality wasn't all Loki.
- Want to go for a drive? - Ooh, shotgun.
Hey babe, would you take my car back into town? If you're lucky I might come to your place and visit you later.
- Still got it.
- We are nothing but sex objects to them.
Hey Ty, I'm sorry about Dawn, man.
- We have a plan.
- Do you? Does it involve me? Hey, I'm going to go with Ty.
He's got a plan.
Dude, Mike's kissing your wife.
Well, I'm going to go surfing.
Don't know how many summers I've got left.
Do you want a lift, bro? Yes, Axl, that'd be great.
Yes! Thanks.
My instructions are to wait for your reply.
- Who sent this? - You did.
What? If you watch the clip, everything will become clear.
Hey Dawn, it's me who is you.
you will have no memory of making this, but what you will have is the feeling that something a big something is missing from your life, the feeling that you woke up and the love of your life had ceased to exist.
I know you're feeling this because I've been there, but I'm not going to go into detail about that because that would just freak you out even more.
So Dawn the person who handed you this is Ty, and we love him more than air.
If you are having some trouble believing that, then check this out.
Dawn, you need to trust me when I say you, me and Ty, we work.
Seriously, we belong.
So please, look deep inside and then look at the guy standing there and try to remember that this is the man you cannot live without.
And then try a cupcake, because they will blow your mind.
So, over to you or me.
I don't know.
Yeah.
I know you.
Have you told her about me yet? Pizza? - Not here, mate.
- You sure? Carnivore deluxe with extra pepperoni.
That is my favourite pizza, but I didn't order it.
Are you sure you didn't and you forgot? Mm, no, I'm pretty good at remembering pizzas I've ordered.
Do you want it anyway? - I've got beer.
- I didn't order that either.
Yeah, I know.
I brought that over, thought maybe we could drink it while we talked about the room.
How do you know about the room? - Heard about it.
- From who? I haven't told anyone.
I mean, the dude who was here before-- mystery man, I called him.
I don't know if he's gone or if he's coming back or even if he was ever here.
He's gone.
Do you know him? Just in passing.
I'll tell you what, how about I move in today.
I can even take over the guy's stuff if that helps, plus I can throw in the pizza and the beer.
That sound okay to you? I like the way you think.
Zeb.
G'day, Zeb.
My name's Axl.
Axl Johnson.
You want a beer, Axl? Come on, I'll show you the room.