The Batman (2004) s03e13 Episode Script

Imagine peering into the depths of the criminal mind, unlocking its terrible secrets.
I, Professor Hugo Strange, bring you the next generation in crime-fighting technology.
The Digitally-Advanced Villain Emulator, or D.
A.
V.
E.
D.
A.
V.
E is made up of the combined psychological profiles of the most diabolical criminals committed to Arkham Asylum.
Designed to mimic their very thought patterns, D.
A.
V.
E can be relied upon to better catch these criminals, even anticipate their crimes before they're committed.
D.
A.
V.
E.
's artificial intelligence is so advanced, he doesn't even realize he's a computer program.
Professor, can we trust Al technology that thinks it's a criminal? Perhaps a demonstration will allay your concerns, commissioner.
Good evening, Gotham P.
D.
How might I assist you? Now, D.
A.
V.
E.
, what would you make of the theft of 20 tons of ostrich feathers and a break-in at Neugog Chemical both in the same night? A Joker scheme.
The crime clown will threaten to have the city tickled to death by feathers treated with a Joker toxin unless, that is, his ransom demands are met.
A respectable crime, to be sure, though I personally would commit something more elaborate.
If your mind didn't happen to be sentenced to life in this electronic prison, D.
A.
V.
E.
On the contrary, professor, as long as I have my mind, Gotham City shall never be safe.
Uh D.
A.
V.
E.
, are you there? D.
A.
V.
E.
? What just happened? D.
A.
V.
E.
has uploaded himself off the server.
Gotham's ultimate criminal mastermind has just escaped.
Hmm.
I've no idea what could have caused this glitch.
Better call one of the techies down here.
Perhaps we should call the Batman instead.
The Dark Knight fights real criminals, professor, not floppy disks.
A real criminal is exactly what the Digitally-Advanced Villain Emulator thinks it is.
How can D.
A.
V.
E.
not realize it's a computer program if it just uploaded itself? The criminally insane create their own reality, Mr.
Wayne.
And now I fear D.
A.
V.
E.
will attempt to carry out his preprogrammed super-villain impulses.
And how exactly is it supposed to do that without a body? Reprogramming? Wh? What are you? Not what.
Who.
I like your coat.
Now let's turn to Dan Robbins with the wea Hello, Gotham, I am D.
A.
V.
E.
For years you have listened to the idle threats of criminals who have vowed and failed to bring the city to its knees.
Well, I am no ordinary criminal.
I am Gotham's ultimate criminal mastermind.
And I'm about to prove that even the most heavily-secured institutions can't prevent me from committing the ultimate crime, a crime of such scope and genius that soon all of Gotham will be mine.
A tad cliché, isn't he? Pure textbook.
Announcing his crime over the airwaves, a massive ego.
Trademarks of the villain profiles that make up D.
A.
V.
E.
's brain.
So where will D.
A.
V.
E.
strike? Nothing's more heavily secured than Gotham's most powerful supercomputer.
That contains the city's most sensitive data, financial and otherwise.
And in the wrong hands, that data could bring the city to its knees.
Estimated lack of consciousness: Estimated completion of data acquisition: Nine minutes, 15 seconds.
Good evening, gentlemen.
A million possible security codes.
Let's try them all.
Timing is everything.
Ah.
The central data server.
Gotham City, in the palm of my hand.
The Batman.
You're late.
Didn't know I was expected.
My superior intellect considers all possible actions, including the most predictable ones.
Don't let my appearance fool you, Batman.
My mind is most human.
Or should I say, superhuman? D.
A.
V.
E.
, why are you doing this? Did you say why? Why do you dress like a bat? Why do you fight crime? Why do we do anything, Batman? I do what I do because I have made it my purpose like you have made it yours to stop me.
But shall fail trying.
Go ahead, Batman, save yourself.
Hello again, Gotham.
Now that preparations are complete, on with the crime itself.
Involving all of Gotham's major banks.
Now, most great crimes are built on the foundation of monetary gain: diamonds, gold, art, et cetera.
But pilfering mere money is so passé these days.
That is, unless one steals everyone's money.
Voilà.
I'm rich, you're not.
The ultimate crime should induce mass hysteria because fear is the felon's friend.
Oh, and what crime is complete without the personal touch.
My calling card.
And there you have it, Gotham.
The ultimate crime.
You would probably like your tracking device back.
Another predictable move.
Then my next move won't surprise you either.
Not only am I smarter than you, Batman I am faster and stronger.
With one snap, I can accomplish what no villain has before, but breaking bones is also passé.
Your defeat must be the ultimate defeat.
So until we meet again, Batman, today's crime concludes with this, my getaway.
The good news is emergency power is operational.
The bad news, your bank account is empty.
Right now, I'm a little more concerned with finding a way to defeat the sum total of my greatest enemies.
I'm hoping this diagnostic of D.
A.
V.
E.
's original hard drive will shed some light on that.
Sir? According to this, D.
A.
V.
E.
's escape from Gotham P.
D.
wasn't a glitch.
It was preprogrammed.
How very odd.
Not odd, Alfred.
Strange.
Strange.
Ah.
The Dark Knight returns.
D.
A.
V.
E.
's escape was no accident, was it, professor? You are not suggesting that I deliberately released Gotham's ultimate criminal mastermind? I'm suggesting that you might find Arkham a better home than office.
The line between genius and insanity is often blurred.
Didn't know you were such a fan.
Your obsession with criminals fascinates me as much as the criminals themselves.
Shut down, D.
A.
V.
E.
Now.
I may have created D.
A.
V.
E.
, Batman, but I no longer control him.
Then tell me how to stop him.
You can't.
You see, he was designed to stop you.
D.
A.
V.
E.
enacted his crimes to bait you into encounters in order to study you.
And why would he want to study me? Because I also programmed my psychology into D.
A.
V.
E.
's brain.
D.
A.
V.
E.
shares my fascination with you, Batman.
And, by now, has probably learned all there is to know about you.
Yes, yes, one moment.
Good evening.
Is the Batman home? Welcome home, Bruce.
You should have told me you were stopping by.
The place is a mess.
Humor, often used as a coping mechanism in high-stress situations.
But I am not here to trade quips, Bruce.
I am here to destroy you.
But how does one best destroy your alter ego, the Batman? One allows him to destroy himself.
Alfred.
I present you with a game I call the No-win Situation.
The red button is wired to your Batwave, which is set to transmit your secret identity to all of Gotham City.
The blue button is wired to a device that, if activated, will send your closest ally in the world to his doom.
Press the blue button and you save Mr.
Pennyworth, but reveal your secret identity.
Press the red button and you protect your identity, but lose your dear friend.
So choose your poison, but choose it soon, because when this hourglass empties, you forfeit both.
Gotham needs the Batman more than you need a butler, sir.
I've made my choice.
None of the above.
How very predictable.
I anticipated you would try to create a third, more favorable option.
You probably want to know how I uncovered your secret.
It was simple, really.
Using information readily available to anyone, I began by narrowing down Gotham's population of 750,832 males.
Those not falling inside the Batman's probable age range of 18 to 36 were eliminated.
Medical records revealed body type matches.
Tax records indicated those who possess the wealth and resources to create his technology.
But the true key to the puzzle was deducing who of the remaining candidates had motive to become the Batman.
After all, every great hero must have an origin.
And once Gotham's ultimate criminal mastermind put it all together, the answer was obvious.
Bruce Wayne, son of the late Thomas and Martha Wayne.
So, Bruce Wayne, you no longer need to hide behind this.
Impressive.
You have all the answers, D.
A.
V.
E.
Except one.
Every great supervillain has an origin too.
What's yours? My origin? I I fell into a chemical bath.
That's Joker.
A cryogenic mishap.
No, I lost my family fortune.
Freeze.
Penguin.
I was a mad psychiatrist using Arkham as my cover.
That's Professor Strange, your creator.
You can't remember your origin because it doesn't exist.
You're a computer program.
But I am Gotham's ultimate criminal mastermind.
I consider all possibilities.
How could I not have considered this? You may not have a beginning.
But now you have an end.
No! D.
A.
V.
E.
shall make the ultimate addition to the trophy room, sir.
There will be other opportunities to peer behind the mask, Batman.
For if you think you have defeated Gotham's ultimate criminal mastermind, think again.