The Conners (2018) s03e13 Episode Script

1 Jackie, it must be a relief to finally have The Lunch Box open again.
Well, it'd be more of a relief if I had more paying customers and less family, but, uh, that guy's lasagna really ought to turn things around for me.
Nobody's paying? You told me tips are better than salary because I won't pay taxes.
Don't worry, Jackie.
Our family won't stiff you.
We're bad, but we're not "get your kids into college on a fake rowing scholarship" bad.
Those people ruined it for the rest of us who were hoping to do it five years from now.
Now they'll never know what a great fencer Mark was.
Mom, I really need your help with this report.
Are you almost done with your work? Not even close.
Who knew it would take so long to do performance reviews for assembly line workers.
It's like, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how great did you do at not losing your hand?" Well, did you at least finish reading "Walden" so we can go over it together when you're done? I meant to.
I'm a little behind 'cause I've been slammed.
But I need to write 500 words on why Thoreau decided to live alone at Walden Pond, and I don't understand transcendentalism at all.
All right, well, maybe someone here read it and they can help you out.
Harris, Becky? Uh, I started to read the CliffsNotes, but they just go on and on and on.
It's a classic.
Of course I read it.
That's the one about a guy who wants to live alone, so he decides to live on a pond called Walden Pond.
Well, actually next to it.
You can only live on a pond in the winter.
You didn't read it.
None of you read it.
If it was "The Real Housewives of Walden Pond," you'd be all over it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Have you read "Walden" by Thoreau? Who by what? Grandpa, have you read "Walden" by Thoreau? Thoreau? Sure, I know Thoreau.
Hey, Jackie, "Thoreau" me a beer.
That's it! I'm getting everyone in this family a library card! This ends now.
- [Family booing.]
- You can't make us! Yes.
Check it out.
Oh, Swillzman! From the cool, not so clear waters of Gary, Indiana.
- [Chuckles.]
- Do they even make that anymore? No, it's a cool decoration piece for that vintage trailer I'm fixing up.
Where did you get a vintage trailer? I got really lucky.
A good friend of mine died.
Louise and I got big plans to hit the road as soon as we get the vaccine.
Oh.
Oh, God, I wish Darlene and I could get away, but we're both so slammed.
Oh, babe, do you have time to help me write that ad for the hardware store? The PennySaver needs it by tomorrow.
Maybe later.
I still need to finish these reviews, go grocery shopping, and read "Walden Pond.
" Let me clear my plate so I can really concentrate on crafting something sophisticated enough for the PennySaver crowd.
What about me? Are you not gonna help me with my thing? What's your thing? I don't have one yet.
You're just so busy, I want to get a place in line.
That's it, I'm not getting any work done here.
I'm gonna head into the office.
Well, somebody liked the lasagna.
I'm surprised you left the fork.
Yeah, it was great.
You should really do something about that review on Yelp.
What review? Somebody said the lasagna here wasn't fit to feed a dog.
I think my dog would love this.
It says our lasagna tastes like "two car mats in a puddle of watered-down ketchup.
" And you still ordered it? I'm from Missouri.
I'm a "show me" guy.
[Cellphone ringing.]
It's Louise.
She wants to make a video call? That's weird.
Probably because she wants a little show.
You're my daughter.
Stay in your lane.
Hey, honey.
Just a heads up, I'm at The Lunch Box, so keep it down if you're gonna get fr-r-r-eaky.
Uh, that's not why I'm calling.
Well, you're still coming over tonight, right? I mean, I haven't seen you in, like, forever.
No, I can't come over, babe.
I just tested positive for Covid.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay? Mm, I can't smell anything, and I'm super tired.
I'm gonna go lay down.
I'll call you later, I promise.
Louise coming by for lunch? Maybe if she orders some lasagna, I can open a second location.
Eh, you know her.
She's busy.
She's working on a couple projects, wants me to come over and lend her a hand.
Yeah, right.
She's just trying to get you over there so she can break her off a piece of that Dan man.
[Laughter.]
Oh, damn.
Louise just texted me.
She's got Covid.
Wow! That stuff comes on fast.
I just talked to her 10 seconds ago, and she was fine.
No, she wasn't.
She called to tell you she was sick, didn't she? Yeah, but now Neville spoiled the surprise.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.
I didn't mean to bust you.
Yeah, what the hell, Neville?! As a former new guy, welcome to the family.
3x13 - Walden Pond, a Staycation and the Axis Powers I can't believe you were ready to lie to us and then go over and see Louise? Are you insane?! You cannot go over there.
You are the poster child for underlying conditions! I don't want to come downstairs one morning and find you all dead on the couch.
I've been traumatized enough by you people with your poverty and your backward ways.
Okay, that's enough.
There's a lot of people taking care of sick family members.
You wear a mask, and you keep your distance.
I'm not gonna do anything stupid.
And you don't have to worry about getting it.
Louise hasn't been in the house in a week.
Yeah, but you're gonna be with her all day and then come home and be with us? No, I'm gonna stay at her place.
If I was sick, she'd do it for me.
[Door slams.]
Aww.
That's so moving.
Would you be there for me? We've been dating a couple of months.
Let's see how it goes.
- HARRIS: Do we really have to get tested? - Yes! Even though we haven't seen Louise in a while, it's not worth taking a chance.
Any luck? No.
All the places that offer rapid-response Covid tests are super expensive.
There is one drive-up spot that's only $139.
Is that per car? 'Cause if we really press together, we can get eight or nine people in there.
It's per person.
Damn.
Well, only a few of us can afford to get tested.
Who's willing to die? Not it! Hey, isn't there a testing place out by the swap meet that's free? Oh, yeah! We should go there.
I've been looking for a MagicMop and a pair of fake Ugg boots.
Hey.
Picked up dinner.
No idea what's in the bag, but I know it's all from the 99-cent menu.
Didn't you get my text about Louise? No, what's up? She has Covid.
What? Are you sure? Yeah, she tested positive.
And I couldn't talk Dad out of going over there to take care of her.
Oh, my God, this is terrible.
I think I may have given it to Louise.
- [Chuckling.]
Oh.
- What? You're being paranoid.
You're super careful, and no one wants to be around you.
You're a naturally repellent person.
No, I-I did something stupid.
I went to a hotel a few times.
Oh, my God.
Are you cheating on Ben again? How do you find all these people who want to have sex with you? No, I'm not cheating on Ben.
They have an indoor pool.
I just hang out for an hour or two to de-stress.
My psychiatrist said it would help with the anxiety attacks.
Of all the times to hang out at a crowded pool No, it's not crowded.
Then this last time, I fell asleep in a chair, and I woke up to a full-on birthday party with a bunch of idiot 25-year-olds and none of them was wearing a mask.
But I left as soon as I saw 'em, so I figured I'd be fine.
How would you give it to Louise? Because I saw her a couple days later to see if she had any pot.
That helps my anxiety, too.
Your shrink prescribed an indoor pool and pot? Do you know if he's taking new patients? I'd just feel horrible if anybody else got sick.
I got to go get tested.
And please don't say anything, okay? I'll stay away from everybody until I get my results.
I'd like to tell them myself.
Oh, God, how am I gonna tell them? You're just gonna sit them down and tell them you're a stupid, selfish, narcissistic troll who only thinks about herself.
But, you know, put it in your own words.
LOUISE: Who is it? The love of your life.
[Sighs.]
Dan, honey, it's so sweet of you to come by, but I can't let you in.
I brought you groceries.
I want to stay here and take care of you.
I even got myself a new toothbrush and a fresh pack of underwear.
It's grocery story underwear, so manage your expectations.
No way, Dan.
Go away.
I'm not going anywhere.
You've got Covid.
[Cellphone ringing.]
Hang on, I got to take this.
It's you.
Go home, Dan.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm just gonna sit out here for a while till you change your mind.
I'm not going to, but suit yourself.
[Music plays on TV.]
Whatcha watching? Some nature show.
It's about meerkats.
What are they doing? Standing up really tall and looking alarmed.
What are they doing now? Same thing.
Seems to be a big part of their day.
Let me know when they do something different.
Give me the scoop.
Who did the bad reviews? Look, I am a veterinarian, not a detective, but I did see a pattern.
Have you noticed that the complaints are only about your recent additions to the menu? The schnitzel, the sushi, the lasagna? And? And you added those items because you were competing with which restaurants? Um, Lanford SushiCo.
, Napolitano's, and [German accent.]
Einen Biergarten.
Oh, my God! [Gasps.]
[Normal voice.]
Oh, my God! That's the Japanese, the Italian, and the German restaurants.
I'm being attacked by the Axis Powers! To be fair, you attacked them first.
So why don't you just go down there and tell them, "Let's all play fairly and may the best restaurant win"? Well, you're a child in a man's body, but yes, we are going to go there.
And we are going to speak our minds calmly and honestly, and then you're gonna pretend to be my lawyer, and you're gonna go after them like a rabid wolverine.
You know, they're almost never rabid.
Don't care, Neville! You got a dark suit? Jackie, I-I-I really don't want to do this.
This is a day of infamy.
These people are trying to put me out of business.
Are you saying that you don't care enough to stick up for me? - Okay, fine, I'll be your lawyer.
- Okay, thank you, Neville.
And I really, really need for you to scare 'em.
Damn it, you've got that sweet little marionette face.
Dad, you want me to make a little breakfast for Louise? You can drop it off at her place.
No, damn it, I ought to be over there making breakfast for her.
She's telling me she can handle this on her own, but I know better.
Come on, Dad, she's trying to protect you.
I'm sure she's gonna get better.
I just gave you seven pieces of bacon.
I'm much more worried about you than I am about her.
Hey.
Hey, come on in.
Have some breakfast.
I can't.
Uh, I need to tell you guys something.
I heard you all had negative tests at the swap meet yesterday? Yeah, but the fake Ugg boots were sold out.
Did get a pair of Doc Martens, though.
Well, here's the thing.
You might all need to get tested again.
Last Saturday, I didn't actually go into the office.
I spent the afternoon by myself at the Acres Hotel by the pool.
What? So you went to an indoor pool without us.
What does your white trash staycation have to do with us getting tested again? Well, it was completely empty, and I fell asleep, and when I woke up, there were a bunch of people around me not wearing masks.
[All groan.]
And I saw Louise three days ago.
What the hell, Darlene, you got Louise sick? I don't know.
I-I got tested.
I'm still waiting for the results.
Damn it, you're supposed to be the responsible one.
You're the only one around here I can depend on.
That's hurtful, but I agree.
We're finally near the end of this thing, and you choose now to do something stupid - and put everybody at risk.
- No, I know.
I've sanitized everything I've touched, and I'm gonna go straight to my room and quarantine.
If anything happens to that woman, you and I are never talking again.
You lied about going to the office.
Wow.
Now I know why I used your credit-card number to buy sunglasses.
It's hard without a role model.
Do better, Mom.
I can't believe you did this.
Look, I know it was stupid, but I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, and I just needed some time to myself.
And the other times I went there, there was nobody there.
Other times? Are you ever anywhere you say you are? Where are you going? I need a little time to myself.
Oh, wait, I guess I'm supposed to lie and say that I've got tons of work to do and I'll be working all night.
Wait, crap, I have to do inventory.
I will be working all night.
Clearly I'm not as good at being a bad person as you are.
[Door closes.]
Hi, I'm Jackie Harris, and I am here with Mr.
Neville Goldofsky, esquire, and I would like to speak with the owner.
I'm the owner.
How can I help you? Oh, well, um, I read your little review of my restaurant, The Lunch Box, and even if my schnitzel did taste like a dirty diaper, you wouldn't know that because you've never tasted it.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You know exactly what I'm talking about, i'mtheschnitz2021.
Look, maybe I wrote the review, maybe I didn't.
Those are the chances you take when a stew restaurant suddenly starts carrying schnitzel, so have a good day.
I didn't want to have to do this, but but now you're gonna have to deal with my lawyer.
Tell him what you're gonna do to him, Neville.
Okay, look, i-if you simply cease and desist, then this matter is resolved.
I'm not ceasing and desisting anything.
You may want to get back to your restaurant in case you get swarmed with a customer.
Okay, look, pal, you don't want to see me in a courtroom.
Okay, you got a nice house? Yeah, I do.
Jackie, you're gonna have a nice house.
How about a car? You got a car? She needs a car.
I'm gonna take everything but your shoes.
I'm gonna take your future and your past.
I'll take so much from you that when I am done with you, you will no longer exist! Fine.
It's not worth all this.
I'll take down the review.
[Stifles laugh.]
Where's this guy been hiding, huh? Mama like.
You bring that energy to the next couple of restaurants, and who knows what's gonna happen tonight.
No, I-I'm not going to the other two places.
Wait, why? You were great.
Well, it didn't feel great.
I hate lying.
Just because I chased after you to go out with me doesn't mean I'll put up with anything.
I-I can't do things out of fear that saying no to you will make you leave me.
I wasn't gonna leave you.
I didn't even know you felt like this.
Well, I do.
I guess I'm just not used to having the power in a relationship.
Well, you did, but you don't anymore.
We're equals, and if you can't accept that, then I'm out.
Say that again, but put your back into it.
I don't want to! Even better.
Let's go back to my place.
No, let's go back to my place! Oh, my God, I don't even know if we're gonna make it to the car.
How are you doing? Not great.
Do you want to talk about it? There's not much to talk about.
My girlfriend's got Covid, my daughter might've gave it to her.
Like a damn reality show.
And now they have 30 days to fall in love.
Thanks for stopping by.
Why are you moping around here and not working on your tiny trailer? I'll help you install that table that turns into a couch that turns into a toilet thing.
It's called a Murphy john, and it's a brilliant piece of engineering.
Well, then let's get to it.
I thought you wanted it ready for when Louise gets better.
[Sighs.]
If she gets better.
Whoa, what happened to Mr.
Positive? Why aren't you scratching your back on a tree and singing "Bear Necessities"? I don't want to think like this, but I've had the rug yanked out from under me before, and well, I don't know if I can go through that again.
Don't give up on her now.
Do you think she would stop making plans if you were sick? You think she would stop working on a couch crapper? Hell, no! Man! Why won't anybody just let me sit around in my own garage and think the worst anymore? I'm sorry, you want me to leave you alone? Nah.
[Cellphone chimes.]
Oh, it's Darlene.
She got the results back from her test.
And she's negative.
[Both sigh.]
[Chuckles.]
I was pretty rough on her before.
Maybe I ought to go back in there and let her off the hook.
Nah.
Nah.
Hey, how was inventory? It's just like hanging out by a pool, except you have to count every freaking drop of water.
I'm sorry.
I-I know I should've told you.
And I know it doesn't put me fully in the clear, but I just tested negative.
Good, now we can get down to what's really wrong here.
Your inability to tell the truth is well established.
I mean, you're obviously struggling with some sort of disorder, but I just don't understand why you couldn't tell me that you needed to get away for a couple hours.
Well, with all the crap that everybody's going through, I just felt guilty saying that I needed time to breathe.
It sounds so selfish.
But, you know, with the panic attacks and the stress of the new job, I'm I'm just not doing that well.
I get that.
I need to get away, too.
We could've gone away together.
Yeah.
Please don't take this the wrong way.
[Sighs.]
But I needed to get away from you, too.
I didn't say it 'cause, you know, I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Well, okay.
Now we're being honest.
Sometimes I feel like I need to get away from you.
What a horrible thing to say to somebody you love.
Look, we got to trust each other enough to be honest.
Like, okay, I know you want to avoid the toxins in your system, but after you work out, you need to use a real deodorant, okay? That little crystal thing you're rubbing on there ain't cutting it.
Okay.
Okay, good.
Yeah, something good's happening here.
Uh, all right, my turn.
All right, I don't like when you sleep naked because I feel like I'm spooning with a dirty sheep dog.
Good.
That's enough healthy relationship stuff for tonight.
I talked to Louise.
She contact traced on her own.
She didn't get Covid from me.
Mm, okay.
Well, considering how honest you've been with me, I will accept that in writing from Louise.
Hey, Dad, check this out.
I found these vacation photos from your dead friend and his wife.
They were behind the medicine cabinet.
That's not his wife.
Neither is this.
Oh, neither is that.
What a jerk! But look at all the national parks he took these women to.
[Laughs.]
Oh, that's ironic.
There he is next to Old Faithful.
Do you think his wife knew? Well, it makes you wonder if he had a little help falling down those stairs.
Eh, free is free.