The Neighborhood (2018) s03e13 Episode Script

1 Oh, hey.
What are you watching? Oh, nothing.
Now that Malcolm's moved out, I'm deleting all his shows off the DVR.
[CHUCKLES.]
: 60 Minutes, time's up.
Documentary on the rain forest? Rain, rain, go away.
Friends? I don't recall seeing any of our people on that.
Hey, hey! I was recording that show.
You know I love watching white people invent problems.
I just want the DVR to feel as free as I do.
Like, no more arguments, no more backtalk.
The memory of Malcolm living here is fading faster than his butt-print on that couch.
Well, actually, that is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.
Now that Malcolm's gone, we're gonna have a lot more time where's it's just you and me.
- Ooh.
I get it.
- Mm-hmm.
So you're saying we could get freaky wherever we want to.
What about what about this chair? I mean, or the kitchen? Maybe over by the fireplace.
I mean, where do you want to make our first butt-print? That is not what I meant.
What I mean is, we're free to focus on us.
You know, try new things, expand our horizons.
Oh.
Yeah, that just sounds like a fancy way of saying: doing stuff that I don't like.
Aw, come on, baby.
I was looking at community college classes we could take.
Like here.
Look.
An Introduction to Drawing.
[SIGHS.]
Babe, look, I got all the fun I need right here.
I got my chair, I got my remote, and an empty DVR to fill with blooper shows.
I know that God loves all His children, but clearly, He loves me more.
Okay, fine.
You could sit at home and do nothing.
I am going out and expanding my horizons.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm expanding mine, too right here in this chair.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
- This is gonna be so much fun! - [LAUGHS.]
I can't believe Calvin would rather sit at home than come with us.
Yeah, his idea of fun is watching blooper shows with his buddy Ernie.
I just don't understand why men go so nuts watching other men get hit in the nuts.
Well, his loss is my gain.
What could be more fun than spending an evening with my best friend, doing art and drinking wine? Oh.
What are you talking about? They're not serving wine.
I know.
But I am.
Just when I thought I knew you, more ghetto shows up.
Okay.
Welcome to Introduction to Drawing.
I'm your instructor, Deborah.
I apologize in advance.
We were supposed to kick off tonight sketching a bowl of fruit, but my boyfriend was too busy playing video games to swing by Trader Joe's.
So instead, we're gonna skip right to figure drawing.
Please welcome our model, Antonio.
Gemma, this guy's just wearing a robe.
Not anymore.
Bishop takes knight.
Or, as I like to call it, "bish, please.
" Well, call it what you want, but checkmate.
Ha-ha! Son of a bish! Guys, you are never gonna believe what I found in the basement.
[COUGHS, GROANS.]
Um, what'd you find? It's an old manuscript for a book Walter wrote.
He must have forgotten it when he moved out.
Seriously? That cranky old dude wrote a book? What is it? Calling People Dummies For Dummies? Actually, I think it's a mystery novel.
Check out the title.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Dead Because of Murder.
Ha! Well, if the murder weapon was a terrible title, I think we found it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, you know what? Read a little bit, Marty.
Oh, this is gonna be hilarious.
Okay, here we go.
Chapter one.
"Standing there in the rain, lightning streaked the sky.
"I stared at the woman in the red dress "and knew three things "she was young, she was gorgeous, and she was dead.
" Damn, Walter, that's pretty good.
Are you kidding me? It's great.
That old son of a bish can write.
Yeah, keep reading, Marty.
Oh, don't worry, man, there's no way I'm putting this down now.
- To us.
- Out loud, - Marty, come on.
- To us, Marty.
[LOUD CLACK ON TV.]
- Oh! - Ooh! Ooh, a bat to the crotch.
- That is hard to look at.
- Yeah, I know.
- Let's watch it again.
- Yeah.
[LOUD CLACK.]
- Oh! - Aah! - Oh-ho-ho! - Oh Hey, babe.
Hi, Ernie.
Hey, Tina.
Hi, baby.
How was your art class? Ugh.
It was crazy.
You're not gonna believe this, but we had a nude model.
Nude? Oh.
How nude are we talking? North of the border, south of the border, or the whole country? Well, let's just say I saw everything from sea to shining sea.
ERNIE: Oh-ho, in that case, allow me to take a peruse of the map.
Oh.
Okay.
There we go.
Wait.
Hold on.
This ain't no damn model.
It's a naked dude! What? I know.
I mean, I was surprised, too, but I did a really good job.
Look, Calvin.
Uh, yeah, almost too good.
Baby, you're not even looking at it.
Well, I will when you draw him some pants.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
You didn't know that your wife was gonna be staring at a naked dude all night? Talk about a bat to the crotch.
It's not like that, Ernie.
There's nothing sexual about it.
It's just, to an artist, he's a beautiful specimen of the human form.
Mm-hmm.
You can say it's not sexual all you want, but all my ex-wives would have left me for that.
And I just mean the picture.
Hey, are you cool with this, Calvin? - Well, you know - Of course he's cool with it.
He's not insecure like you, Ernie.
He's not threatened by this.
Right, Calvin? - Of course not.
- Yeah.
Huh.
Why would I be threatened by him? I mean, any man that works out that much and is willing to pose nude in front of strangers, well, he's the one that's insecure.
See? My baby gets it.
Mwah! [CHUCKLES.]
What? Notice she took the picture with her.
Oh, man.
This is intense.
I know.
I may need you to walk me home tonight.
Will you two be quiet? I'm about to find out who the killer is.
Hold up.
The box is empty.
- What? - The last page is missing! Just like the chauffeur's left eye! Are you kidding me? No, man, the very last line says uh, "Standing there, bloody knife in hand, was none other than " And then there's no more! Oh, man, this sucks.
We just spent 12 hours reading a whodunit, and we don't get to find out who done it? This is so frustrating.
O-Okay, you guys, it's not that big a deal.
I think it's pretty obvious to all of us that the killer was the personal chef.
- What?! - What?! No, man, it was clearly the pool boy.
That's why there were bloody fingerprints all over the inflatable swan.
You're both crazy.
It was obviously the bastard son who was cut out of the will, whose name was Will which was kind of confusing for a while! - It was definitely not Will.
- Of course it was Will! - [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING.]
- An inflatable swan? Okay, okay.
Clearly, there is only one person who knows for sure what the answer is.
And that's Walter.
Yeah, but we have no idea where he is.
Yeah, all we know is he moved to a retirement community in Palm Springs, and there's got to be hundreds of them.
Okay, gentlemen, well sounds like we have a mystery of our own to solve.
But first lock the door they just found the chauffeur's missing eye, and I am freakin' out! Oh, hey, babe.
Whatcha doing? Working some more on my sketch.
Oh.
So you're still doing that thing I'm totally cool with that doesn't bother me at all? I was looking at it again, and thought I could do a better job of shading Antonio's muscles out.
Oh.
Antonio? I'm guessing you didn't get that off a name tag.
You know, for some reason, I just can't get this right.
Oh, well, it'll be easier when I see him at class tonight.
Uh, he's gonna be there again? Yeah.
For the next couple of sessions.
Last night was about basic form.
Tonight we'll get more into detail.
Well, how much more detail do you need? I can already tell the guy's religion.
Wait a second, now.
What's going on? I thought you said you were cool with this.
Well, I was until he's got a name and you're doing all this shading of muscles and highlighting.
You know what, I'm starting to think Ernie might be right.
[SCOFFS.]
What? Are you serious? You're gonna listen to Ernie? That man's been married five times.
He's got more rings than LeBron James.
Exactly.
Which is why he knows the signs.
And one of them is when your wife starts hanging out with a dude that's hanging out.
So what are you saying? I'm saying that you're not going back to that art class.
Oh.
Excuse me? No, I mean it, Tina.
I don't want you spending time with this guy.
And I don't want you telling me what I can and can't do.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Oh, isn't that rich.
You can tell me what I can't do, but I can't tell you what you can't cannot do if you was trying to do something and I said, "No," and you said, "Yes, I can," and I said, "No, you can't.
" You know what I mean.
No.
But what I know is you cannot not stop me from not doing what I want! Wait, wait a minute.
Are you going or not? 'Cause I need to know if I won this argument.
All right, I'm meeting Gemma for dinner, then going to art class.
Have fun watching your stupid blooper shows.
Well, actually, we're not watching blooper shows tonight.
We realize we've been close-minded, so we've decided to partake of some art ourselves.
Oh, really? Where? The Wiggle Palace on 40th Street.
So much classier than the Jiggle Barn on 12th.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Seriously, Calvin? You're trying to tell me that going to a strip club is the same as going to art class? Isn't it? I mean, it's like you said.
They're all just beautiful specimens of human form.
Besides, Ernie tells me there's a girl there by the name of Monet.
That's right, that's right.
She, uh, she works in oils.
[CHUCKLES.]
Fine, do what you want.
But you're acting like a child.
No, I'm not.
And even if I was, it wouldn't matter, because the Wiggle Palace has a day care! All right, buddy, you ready? Let's go give some "mo-ney" to Monet.
Forget it, Ernie.
We ain't going to no damn Wiggle Palace.
Wh-What? No, I was just trying to bluff Tina to make a point.
Now I got to think of something else.
Trust me, Calvin, just-just let her do her thing.
She'll get over it.
Or she'll never come home.
I've had wives do both.
Okay.
So, our missing person is Walter Brown.
Yes.
Last seen driving off in a moving van while giving us all the finger.
We know he moved to one of 87 retirement communities in Palm Springs, but that is where the trail goes cold.
I mean, I don't know if this gives us anything, but I'm pretty sure Walter is left-handed.
Or at least left-fingered.
Wait a second.
That's it.
Oh, what? What's it? Fingers.
"Don't Lift a Finger Moving Company.
" It was written on the side of the truck.
We should call them.
Yeah, but they're not gonna give out personal information to just anyone.
Which is why I'm not gonna be just anyone.
I'm gonna be Walter.
Oh.
So, you telling us that you're gonna do Black voice? On second thought, one of you should do it.
[IMITATING WALTER.]
: Yeah, hey.
This is Walter Brown.
One of you jackasses lost my damn ottoman.
Well, where the hell did you deliver it to? Rancho La Vista Senior Living, unit 31-B.
Oh, never mind.
Here it is, right under my feet.
Bye.
Boys, looks like we're going to Palm Springs.
Hell yeah, jackasses! [REGULAR VOICE.]
: Sorry, I was still in character.
Seriously? He thinks going to a strip club is the same thing as going to an art class? I know.
It's like comparing apples to oranges.
Or, in the case of Antonio, bananas.
Well, don't let Calvin's negativity ruin your night.
For the next two hours, don't even think about him.
Which suddenly became much harder to do.
Calvin, what? What are you doing here? Isn't it obvious? I'm the model for tonight's class.
What did you do to Antonio? I bought him off.
I gave him 40 bucks and a free oil change.
Ironically, he was so oiled up, he dropped the coupon.
[CHUCKLES.]
You are unbelievable.
What's wrong, Tina? It's like you said.
It's only art.
And we both know I'm packing one hell of an exhibit.
You know what? Maybe I'll just sketch my shoes tonight.
If you need me, I'll be the one looking straight down.
Oh, please, Calvin.
We both know there is no way you're actually gonna go through with this.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, really? Okay.
That's it.
I want to talk to you in the hallway now.
Okay.
Make it quick.
All right, it's cold out there, and I got to model in a few minutes.
Okay, this is it.
31-B.
I hope he's home.
It's 8:30.
Where else would he be? Are you kidding me? They have shuffleboard, aqua aerobics and a puzzle room here.
If you over 70, this place is lit.
[LAUGHS.]
: Hey! Walter! It's us.
It is nice to see you.
What the hell are you doing here? When I moved out, didn't you see me give you the finger? Yes, Walter.
But, you know, we came to tell you that we found your book - in the basement.
- MALCOLM: Yeah.
We all read it, and it was amazing.
- Really? - Yeah.
The only problem is when we got to the end, - the last page was missing.
- DAVE: Yeah, which is why we need you to tell us who the killer is.
Well, since you guys went through all of the trouble of tracking me down, the least I can do is tell you who it is.
For all the cash you got in your wallets.
- What? - What? Yeah, you heard me.
My name ain't Google.
Information ain't free.
All right, fine.
Fine.
Fine.
We will give you the money.
DAVE: All right, Walter.
Tell them that the killer was the chef.
Oh, no, no, no.
He means the pool boy.
It was the bastard son, right? You're all wrong.
The murderer is the butler.
- Who? - [STAMMERS.]
The butler? Well, there's no butler in the book.
Oh, well, sure, there is.
In the very first chapter, he opens the door for the detective.
But that's the only time he appears in the entire book.
He doesn't even speak! Exactly.
That's why he's the very last person you'd ever suspect.
Pretty good, right? No, it's not pretty good! It's a "screw you" to the reader! Why can't it be both? Oh, this is ridiculous.
Yeah, any one of us could've written a better ending than that.
Yeah, maybe.
But would anybody pay you 200 bucks to hear it? I didn't think so.
The end.
[GROANS.]
I can't believe we drove all this way for that.
And we got to drive all the way back.
But you know what we can do on our way home? We can write our own ending to the book.
I was gonna say play "I spy," but that is a way better idea.
What is going on with you? And why are you acting so crazy? No, no, what's crazy is my wife rushing out every night to look at a naked guy when she's got a perfectly good one sitting at home watching TV.
You are ridiculous.
What do you think I'm gonna do, run off with some model half my age? What do you think I am, a man? Of course not.
I don't think you're gonna run off with him.
I just liked it better when the only man you were thinking about was me.
[SCOFFS.]
Are you kidding? Baby, you are the only man I think about.
You know the first thing that popped in my head the minute that guy dropped his robe? Yeah, I got a good guess.
It wasn't that.
It was that I wish you were there with me.
It was? Yeah.
Then I would've seen the look on your face and you would've seen the look on mine, and we would've laughed our asses off together.
I mean, 'cause you know when that guy took off his robe, I would've said something really, really hilarious.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.
And then I would've laughed too loud and fell out on the floor.
I mean, who could blame you? It's my biggest flaw.
I'm just too damn funny.
[LAUGHS.]
You see, babe? This is what I'm talking about.
When I said I wanted to go out and do fun stuff together, it wasn't about the stuff.
The fun part was doing it with you.
Mm.
I'm sorry, babe.
I should've come with you.
The next time you want to do something together, I promise, I will.
- Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES.]
So, what do you say? You ready to get out of here? Yeah, but we're leaving the class without a model.
- Don't worry, I got it.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Hey, Ernie.
You want to make 40 bucks and get a free oil change? Oh, damn.
Crazy, huh? - Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
Get out of town.
We actually had to.
Okay, so, what do you think? [CHUCKLES.]
I thought it was great.
- [WHISPERS.]
: Yes.
- Up until the ending.
What? I mean, the personal chef, the pool boy and the bastard son all committed the murders together? What idiot would come up with that? Are you Are you kidding? It was great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the ending pulled the whole story together.
Yeah, it's way better than what Walter had.
Well, the ending's all wrong.
The killer was obviously the shady-ass butler.
I knew that the minute he opened the door.