Tripping the Rift s03e13 Episode Script

(intro music playing) (beeping) Man: This is your universe.
This is your universe on drugs.
I'm so sick of schlepping stuff around.
Am I the ship's engineer or the resident UPS guy? I've always considered you more of a"jack-off" of all trades.
- This is a pain in the ass.
- Oh! "Over a Bun Dance Ranch.
" - What is this place? - It's a fat farm! - They got a place to grow fat? - No, you mental midget.
It's a place to drop some extra pounds.
Then why don't they call it the "fat depository"? Or or the "fat toilet"? That's where I drop a load.
Remember, if we're going to get rid of this stuff at a 400% markup, we don't want to offend them.
So let's be sensitive about their problem.
Yeah, we don't want to scare these fatties off and start a friggin' stampede.
(laughing) Hmm.
We got nothing to worry about fat people are jolly, right? Maybe you should leave the talking to me.
- No, I got this.
- Psst.
- Are you the guy? - Of course I'm the guy.
I thought you were fat, not blind, lady.
- I'm not a lady.
- Oh, sorry.
I've never seen cans like that on a man.
So what do you got for us? For you, only the best.
Okay, now I see you've brought several sacks of money, so let's let's do a little business.
- What sacks of money? - The ones under your clothes.
- Oh.
So, how will you be paying? - A check! I'm amazed we got that after the way you treated them.
He didn't treat them any differently than he treats us.
Hey, Two-Ton Tessie, when I want your opinion, I'll wait I never want your opinion.
We get no respect, no money, no time off.
All we seem to get are childish, derogatory comments.
- Stupid say what? - No, stupid says that joke more than once and believes it will still work.
- What? - (laughs) Never fails.
- You're just encouraging him.
- Hey, leave me alone.
At least I'm not a bunch of adults acting like little kids.
I'm a kid forced to act like an adult.
I'm so busy loading and unloading boxes, I don't get to do anything normal teenagers do.
Just once, I'd like to hang out with someone under the age of infinity.
- He does have a point.
- Think about it I've been forced to skip every typical rite of passage and go directly to boredom.
I never got to steal my parents' car and get caught when they see the cell-phone pix on my MySpace page.
And I never got to go to an all-night rave hopped up on X.
And I didn't even get to go to school, making it impossible for me to have sex with my Social Studies teacher.
Wow, you really are missing the best parts of growing up.
Aw! God, teenagers are so moody.
(chuckles) Okay, I wanna run over and get this cashed.
Why don't you cretins hit the post office and pick up our mail? - Oh, crap - (chanting) I think they spotted us.
- Hell-io.
Would any of you like to purchase our literature? It's only five kronigs.
Any donation will cause the Father to smile on you kindly.
Speaking of dear old Dad, isn't that him over there? (feet scampering) - (beeping) - You wanna go next, Whip? Nah.
People my age don't use snail mail.
It's all text messages, IMs and emails.
Sorry.
I might as well pick up Chode's.
Whoa whoa.
Bill.
Bill.
Bill.
Ooh, a mortgage-reduction offer.
Aren't you throwing the wrong things in the trash? Have you ever known Chode to pay a bill? He never shorts a stripper.
Well, when MasterCard uses peristaltic waves to shoot ping-pong balls out of her vagina, Chode will pay with interest.
Hey, I think I've got something here.
It's a free vacation at an all-inclusive resort for the entire family.
Oh! And we look like a family? If the Jolie-Pitts can pass, a cow, a lizard, a purple penis with dreads and two robots have a shot.
You boco-brained morons.
Yeah, it's a free trip, but it's one of those scams where they let you have a great vacation, then force you into investing in a boco time-share.
- Oh.
- It's perfect! - It is? - Yeah.
A way to get you guys to stop bitching and moaning, and it's free? With any luck, I can scam the other guests before the resort does.
Hell, if they're stupid enough not to see through the BS in this letter, they should be easy marks.
We knew it was a sales pitch.
We just didn't know if you knew.
Hmm it says here "no robots.
" For a free vacation, I'll find a way to pass.
Surprise surprise.
- But what about Six? - I'm organically based with synthetic components.
You're A semi-intelligent toaster.
Jeez, would you guys shut up before I change my mind? - Does that mean we're going? - Mmm.
We're going on vacation! Oh, I can't wait to play shuffleboard.
Club Meditation.
Doesn't it sound relaxing? Welcome to Club Meditation, madam.
If there is anything any of us can do to make your stay more comfortable, do not hesitate to whoa, what is up with your skin? Oh, I told the tanning-booth attendant I wanted to be sprayed a beautiful bronze for my vacation, and he went a little overboard.
- Very fetching, Miss - Gussie.
Sheesh, I haven't been this excited since the TV was stuck on C-SPAN.
Nah, maybe not.
Mmm! Chode: Where's Whip? T'nuk: With any luck, he's inside signing us up for hula lessons.
Oh! This is it.
Best in the place.
Nothing too good for you folks.
All right, look your tip is one kronig no matter how much you kiss my ass.
Consider yourself lucky.
It more than I get for kissing his Oh! Oh, no, sir.
I do not accept any tips.
It is just a pleasure to serve such a nice family as yourselves.
Now don't forget anything that any of us can do How about we plan our itinerary? I want to hit the bar! I saw a guy in there that couldn't take his eyes off my middle breast.
I hear their crude-oil baths do wonders for the complexion.
Welcome, new members of our extended family.
We are pleased to announce we are boarding our mandatory shore cruise on the lido dock at this time Well, it looks like our afternoon is planned for us.
Great, we can get the sales pitch out of the way and spend the rest of our time on their dime.
Whoa.
Someone pinch me.
I must be dreaming.
Ow! A pinch to grow an inch, a sock to grow a block.
I'm sorry, I meant to say, "Someone have sex with me.
I must be dreaming.
" (both laugh) Man: Anyone notice something special about the ship's hull? That's right- it's equipped with a glass bottom so you may enjoy the views of the various aquatic creatures.
Wow, I knew there'd be fish, but look at all that beaver.
I dated a woman once who had a glass bottom.
Very sweet but not much to look at.
Joey, I don't know if I can do this.
Dude, come on! There's people who make coffee from beans they pick out of monkey turds.
This ain't nothing! Okay okay, I'm down.
All chanting: Slam it, slam it, slam it, slam it, slam it, slam it, slam it, slam it yeah! Gene Simmons, eat your heart out.
Now what do you want to do? Let's all climb into an old beater and sing "Bohemian Rhapsody.
" (all cheering) Please make your way to the theater where there'll be a short presentation about our lovely resort.
Time for the unexpected high-pressure sales pitch.
Little did these shiny happy people know that when they netted all these innocent little lemmings, they caught a man-eating lion.
(all gasping, expressing shock) All: Go go go go go go go! Whaaaa hooo! All: Oh! (all cheering) Dude, are you all right? No.
After all this liquor, I can't feel squat.
- Ha! Uh-oh.
- What? I think I just peed myself.
Ha ha! I wish those geriatric stick-in-the-muds could see me now.
All chanting: Hell-io, Krishna.
Hell-io, Krishna - Six, Six, wake up.
- Hell-io, brother.
Now I see why they didn't want robots.
Hmm.
So much for cyborg superiority.
Hell-io, Krishna.
Hell-io hell-io, Krishna.
(chanting stops) Hell-io, my children.
Hell-io, Father.
Now that you see as I do and do as I see fit, I must ask your help in saving all of life under God's rule.
You see, the universe has had a plague set upon it since its dawning.
And no, I'm not talking about frogs or unhealable boils.
Those are commonly known as herpes, and there's nothing we can do to stop those.
Believe me.
No, I'm talking about money the root of all living kind's sins.
- I thought that was religion.
- We must gather it in great quantities, huge quantities, and remove it from temptation so you may deliver me from debt er, evil all of us from evil.
Now go forth and save your fellow beings.
Do the Holy Father's will.
Chode is disavowing money and doing the bidding of the Lord? Wait a minute, where are the hidden cameras? Ashton Kutcher, you little devil, you come out here right now.
(rock music playing) Both: Hmm? Uh ahh! Sorry.
You not on the list.
Hey, what kind of crap is that? Sorry, you not on the list.
We may not be, but I think they are.
So they are.
Hey, Paris, Luanne, Shtutgaard! (whispering) Huh? Guys, it's me, Gus! - How are you, sister? - Huh? No.
Snap out of it.
(all snap) Wow, I've got complete control.
And I'll bet that means no more sissy jokes.
Yes, sister.
How about I take you all back to the ship and I'll be your new king? Hmm? Would you like to make a donation? Okay okay, that money-grubbing thing could be a problem.
Oh! Hey hey, brothers and sisters.
- (coins dropping) - All: Thank you for your kind donation.
The Father will surely bestow God's grace upon you.
Thank you for your kind donation.
The Father Please just shut up, will you? I'm all out, guys.
Will you take a check? Thank you anyway.
The Father will surely Stop it now.
I can't take all this syrupy sweetness another second.
We understand.
Thank you for your time.
Oh! (techno playing) Okay, well, you met Paris and her friends.
Oh, and that's Lindsay.
Most of us guys just call her "fire crotch.
" Hey! You want a taste? Sure! Hey, what are you doing, dude? She's just asking if you want some drugs.
I don't think so.
I'm already sh faced from all the beer.
But this will enhance the sexual experience.
I don't feel any different.
Wait on I feel like the biggest stud in the entire girl! Ha ha! I said "girl.
" Dude, I am so wasted! - Whoo! - Hey hey! Slow down.
Oh, get lost.
You're just jealous 'cause all the women love me! Me, baby, me.
You you poor excuse for a dude.
Uh-oh, looks like somebody's an angry drunk.
No, I'm not! Maybe somebody's a judgmental drunk, huh? You! You ever think of that? By the way, pal o' mine, got any more of those pills? Hey, guys, you know what? The Father THE Father told me you all should come back to my ship.
Mm-hmm.
Just follow me and I'll give you sacks full of money.
Hell-io hell-io hell-io, Krish Krish Krish Krish - What's that all about? - Who knows? They show up here and after a day or two, their brains are fried.
You ever tried getting fried brain stains out of a carpet? I've found a tablespoon of salt dissolved in seltzer - does the trick nicely.
- Thanks for the tip! Hmm.
Brain fried? Brain fry? Are you kidding? I'm finally living here.
I've never felt better in my life.
Maybe you're right.
This is the place to be and you're the perfect dude to be here.
You're the man, Whip! You're the man.
Hey, Joey, I feel like I'm gliding.
These pills are kick-ass! How to get you out of this trance? Thank you.
May I have another? Ha ha ha ha ha! Okay, now what? Watch.
Oh, no, wait a minute television puts you into a trance, it doesn't take you out of one.
Oh! This is beyond frustrating.
You went from intelligent beings to moronic twits in the space of a minute.
Oh, I need some help here.
Who knows about this sort of thing? Who? Whip! You teenage mutant ninja lizard, you zone in and out like that - (ringing) - Come on, Whip, pick up.
I need your help here.
I can't save them by myself.
Woman's voice: Hey, this is Whip's girlfriend, Jenny, and you've reached Whip's cell.
Leave him a message after the Wait a minute.
There's a GPS beacon in Whip's phone! There you are! Why am I talking to myself? There I go again.
Oh, and again.
Good evening, Mr.
Whip.
My name is Dr.
Hoffman and I'm here to help.
Then give me something, 'cause I'm coming down hard, man! - I need a fix.
- I'll let you in on a little secret: I know exactly what you're going through.
- You used to be a junkie? - Oh, good heavens, no.
I invented the mind-altering drug you took.
See, I make money on the front end, and when idiot kids like you put it in their bodies, - then I make even more to treat them.
- Just give me something! Relax.
You'll be well taken care of.
Now where should we put you? Hmm.
Well, there's the Robert Downey, Jr.
Suite, the Mel Gibson, the Rush Limbaugh, the Liza Minnelli, the Kurt Cobain- Courtney Love honeymoon suite, the Charlie Sheen, the Billy Joel, the Whitney Houston, the Matthew Perry, the Nick Nolte, the Nicole Richie, the Robin Williams, the Elizabeth Taylor, - the Kate Moss - I don't care! - The Whitney Houston! - Good choice.
You'll find it between the Kennedy and Osbourne family timeshares.
(elevator music playing) Huh? Dah dah ughh! - Time for your meds.
- Ahh! - What is it? - The same thing you're addicted to.
How is that gonna get me off the stuff? Ah-ho! No, we're not trying to get you off of it, silly.
We'd never have any repeat business.
You're here to learn to disguise the symptoms and increase your functionality in a private and protected atmosphere.
(chuckles) Trying to get you off it! Mr.
Whip, good morning.
You're looking fine.
May I recommend the sugar cereals? Nothing keeps a good buzz going like some fortified poison.
Thank you, thank you.
I've been craving some Krisp.
Y-y-y-you got Krisp? Sure.
And each guest is provided with their very own couch to eat and sleep on till late afternoon.
- Daytime TV? - Nothing but soaps and Springer.
You've got this drug lifestyle down to a science.
- We aim to please.
- I don't understand.
This drug was designed to be very powerful and hard to kick.
Well, addicted or not, I have to get him out now.
Our friends are in trouble, and if we don't do something soon, their brains will turn to mush.
If we don't do something for Whip, his brains will turn to mush.
Yes, but in Whip's case, it doesn't seem like such a big loss, you know? Yeah, I see your point.
Grace, can you have Whip brought into my office? Yes, Doctor.
I knew I should have put him in the Britney Spears suite built-in revolving door.
(sighs) Come here often? Oh, about ever six months.
It's great.
You can relax, score drugs legally, and parents aren't around to give you shit about it.
Yeah, this place is awesome.
I'm sorry, but are you famous? No, not yet.
My sex tape doesn't drop till next Tuesday.
You wanna come to the premiere party? It's gonna be off the hook.
Ah, I don't know.
I like it here so much, I may never leave.
Hey, what's going on? - Someone's here to take you home.
- Nooooo! We've got to hurry.
Chode and the girls are going to turn into vegetables if we don't figure out a way to unbrainwash them.
And why do you think I can help? Because you're the smartest vegetable I know.
Hey, Whip, you forgot something.
- What's this for? - What you seek is inside.
- My soul? - Look inward - and you will find happiness.
- I'm not following.
Break the friggin' statue open and there's a stash of drugs inside.
Oooh! Thanks.
Come again! Real soon.
- Peace and tranquility throughout the universe.
Ha ha ha! Oh, man.
We gotta mess with them a little.
- I already did, okay? There's no time.
- All right, all right.
- What are we gonna do? - I don't know.
You tell me what you do to pull yourself back from the edge of retardom.
Let's see I sometimes rub one out.
Orgasms always seem to improve my focus.
Uh-huh? A nap? Video games? Staring at Six's wet naked body via the camera in the vent above her shower? - It's worth a try.
- (all gasp) (applause and cheers) Tha tha thank you, my my brother.
Oh my God, it's happening.
What are we going to do? We have to alter their minds or they're doomed.
A-a-alter their minds? - Are those drugs? - There you are, my precious.
Oh ho! They want to destroy the precious! We won't let them, will we, precious? (gagging) Take your fingers out of my mouth or I'll bite them.
- Go ahead.
- I will.
Trust me, I'll do it.
Ouch! - So are these mind-altering drugs? - Yeah, but they're all I got.
I need 'em.
Come on, man, just a taste.
Just a little taste.
I guess becoming an addict is better than your brains turning to oatmeal.
No! No! (panting, licking) But if they're going to end up like you, perhaps I should have let them go.
- W-what's going on? - Is this the resort spa? Hey, who put me in a friggin' dress? - Is this your idea of homo fun? - They're ba-a-ack! Wow, we cleaned up.
We should go religious a little more often.
And I don't know what the hell that brainwashing does to you, but I've never felt so rested.
Me neither.
I'm a new woman.
I feel like I can run a mile in under four minutes.
- How wonderful for you all.
- What's your problem? I'm feeling more tired and stressed out than before.
I need a vacation from our vacation.
Ahh ah ah ahhh! I think the detox is working.
At least now he can shut up about the missed childhood.
It sounds like he did more in a weekend than most do all year.
Yeah, be careful what you wish for, Whip.
(sighs) All right, all right, Gus, how about this? The next time we go on a vacation, you pick the spot.
Oh, Chode, that's the nicest thing you've ever done for me.
Mmm, now where should we We're never going on vacation again, are we? Nope.