Warehouse 13 s03e13 Episode Script
The Greatest Gift
1 Not to long ago at Warehouse 13 [Electronic blast, glass shattering.]
[Bulbs popping.]
[Screaming.]
[Pleas and screams continue.]
Oh, just one normal Christmas, huh? Is that too much to ask? Oh, I am having a normal Christmas, all right? My dad is waiting for me to decorate the tree this year, and I am not missing it.
So All right, well, we've got plenty of time.
If we just snag and bag the schnoz-- whoa! - Pete! [Yelling.]
Oh, Myka! Whoa, whoa! Yah! Myka! - Pete! - I'm okay.
Just get to Rudolph.
On Dancer, on Prancer - Ow! - On Donner and Blitzen.
Ho ho ho! [Whipping sound.]
Ah! [Grunting.]
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! [Whipping sound.]
Ho ho ho! [Grunting.]
Hey! - I got it! - Would you bag it? This kid's got a mean streak.
Hey! That's my tennis elbow.
[Bulbs pop.]
Warehouse 13 3x13 The Greatest Gift [Reindeer grunts.]
Come back, Bucky! Catie! Don't go out there.
- Catie! - Bucky! Go inside, Bucky.
Catie.
Catie, be careful.
Watch out for-- oh.
- Hey.
What the heck was that? All we did was plug it in.
Yeah, we're from Florida Power.
We tracked a surge to this address.
Yes, you had too many lights.
One too many to be exact.
But there was a reindeer, a live reindeer, in my kitchen.
Escaped.
It escaped from the Christmas pageant at the zoo.
- The zoo had a pageant? Well, it was invitation-only.
Oh, hello down there.
Do you work for Santa? I do.
I work in customer relations.
Thank you for saving Bucky.
Oh, you're welcome, Catie.
You know what, Santa loves candy canes.
And so do I.
Thank you.
Chillax, grumpy.
It's just an early Christmas present.
- No! - Artie.
I'm not going to allow you to go to Vegas with Dr.
Vanessa wearing your usual symphony in brown.
Brown is slimming.
I like brown.
And if I wear that in Vegas, they'll think I'm a croupier.
And I'm not gonna go to Vegas.
There's way too much to do here.
The gooery needs flushing.
And I haven't cycled the security encryption in months.
- What? - What happened? Yeah, you've been looking forward to this thing with Vanessa for weeks.
What happened? My father called, wanting to get together for the holiday.
Thank you for that.
Then he found out about Vegas, and now he guilted me into coming with.
- Ooh.
- No, it gets worse.
Ha-ha.
Hugo found out about Vegas somehow, and now he wants to come too.
Well, you can't spend another Christmas alone in the warehouse.
No, I can't.
I can go with you to Switzerland to be with your brother Joshua.
- No, no, no.
No, I'm going snowboarding in the Alps.
I'm not sitting in a corner and listening to the two of you discuss quantum physics.
That never ends well.
Vegas! - Please.
Please.
- Vegas! Shut up.
Listen, Pete, Pete, I could stay here this year.
I could go on warehouse duty.
Next year you could do it.
No, no, no.
I drew the short straw fair and square, Artie.
Besides, my mom and my sister are taking a shopping spree in New York City, and I'd rather be dragged by a truck over broken glass.
- [Groans.]
- Look, Artie, don't worry.
You can stay with me and my family for Christmas.
- Ohh.
That's excellent.
That's great.
Thank you so much.
Well, I bet that Hugo would make sure Dr.
Vanessa doesn't even miss you.
- [Grumbles.]
- [Mimics Artie's grumbling.]
- Vegas, baby, Vegas! - [Cheers.]
Murder is legal in Vegas, right? Oh, my God, I have to pack.
Oh, hey, I'll see you later at Leena's for some farewell fruitcake.
I am off to the Christmas aisle.
Yeah, L'chaim.
Jingle bells ha, jingle all the way huh, huh oh, what fun it is to ride I like.
In a one-horse open sleigh hey tip your waitresses.
[Scatting.]
Rudolph's nose is right here Bam.
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open Ooh! I'm gonna sue Mrs.
Frederic.
And a jingle bells I just fell I'm gonna get me some workman's comp and something with pain jingle bells jingle bells, mm jingle bells thank you.
Who are you guys? - Hands now.
- Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell? How did you get in here? Me? How did I-- okay, that's very funny.
Artie! Come on out.
The joke's over.
Where's Artie? Arthur hasn't worked here in a very long time.
MacPherson.
But you're dead.
I mean, this-- this is just nuts.
The last time I saw you, you were nothing more than a pile of dust in front of the Escher vault.
Were I dead I should think I'd be the first to know.
He's clean, James.
No I.
D.
either.
Now how do you know about the Escher vault? How'd you even get in here? [Impact.]
Ooh! You break into a high-security facility, and you start asking us questions? Raymond, any friend of Arthur's is someone I want to speak with.
I don't know how you did this, but you won't get away with it.
Get away with what? And how do you know me? - We've never met.
- Fine.
Keep playing your game.
I know this may sound strange to you, but I think you're under the influence of what we call an artifact.
Have you come into contact with anything unusual? - Maybe a family heirloom? - No! No! I haven't been whammied.
You have.
Have you noticed the smell of fudge when there is no fudge? If this is some kind of a joke, I get it, I get it, okay? It's the best holiday prank ever.
Ha ha ha ha.
I mean, what, is Artie using Harriet Tubman's thimble to turn himself into Dr.
Evil? James, we've been looking for that thimble for years.
How do you know this stuff? How'd you break in? Look, bad cop, I didn't break in.
He did.
I was coming back from the Christmas aisle, I came into Artie's office, and found James MacPherson, Agent-turned-killer-- Killer? Do you know how many lives this man has saved? He blew up the umbilicus with Artie in it! He freed H.
G.
Wells.
She tried to blow up the world.
Search for artifacts that cause delusions like this.
Raymond, take him to Leena's and tell me-- Leena.
She knows me.
She'll back me up.
Oh, Leena, thank God.
Would you--would you please tell grunt number one here who I am? Who are you? Pete.
It's--I'm Pete.
Remember? I have a really good aura.
I'm in tune.
That's so strange.
You don't have an aura.
What? You love my aura.
You flirted with my aura.
Leena.
Leena, I would never hurt you.
You know that.
[Farnsworth buzzing.]
What does Leena say? Just like we thought.
She doesn't know him either.
He's definitely dangerous.
There's no record of a Peter Lattimer anywhere.
I'm not getting any hits on his prints either.
James says we better take him to the box.
All right.
Coming back.
Ray, look out! Uh-uh-uh.
The Leena I know is a lot nicer to her guests.
Now you drop that and get over there.
Now I have got to stop MacPherson.
Ah.
He thinks artifacts belong out in the world.
So he sells them on the black market.
And I think he's used one to whammy everybody.
If you think that you can single-handedly stop James MacPherson, you really are insane.
Never said I was gonna do it alone.
So he sells them on the black market.
[Telephone rings.]
Bering & Son Books.
Mrs.
Bering, hey.
Oh, my-- [Sighs.]
Thank God.
It's so good to hear your voice.
It's Pete.
Pete who? Uh, Pete Lattimer, Myka's partner.
I didn't know Myka had a partner.
You and I met a couple years ago.
Edgar Allen Poe's pen.
Is this some sort of joke? Look, could you please just put Myka on? I know she's there for Christmas, so Myka hasn't been home from DC in two years, not Not since her father's funeral, so I'd appreciate it if you-- What? No.
Warren is alive.
He's decorating the tree with Myka tonight.
All right, that's enough.
You picked the wrong family to pull this on, mister.
My daughter is a federal agent.
So just back off.
[Receiver clicks, dial tone.]
Da da Your agents may be pretty great at taking a bullet, but you might want to warn 'em about the pickpockets.
Did you just admit to a crime? You have no idea who I am, do you? Should I? Uh, okay, okay.
Um Do the words "warehouse", "artifact", or "Univille" mean anything to you? No, but "creepy", "trespassing", and "federal offense" do.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Okay.
What if I told you that I knew you spoke a bazillion languages, that your secret high school crush was Kurt Smoller, and you can't watch any movie where an animal dies? Would you hear me out then? No, I would think you were a stalker with access to Facebook and then I would call security.
- I am your partner.
- Really? Because I think I would remember something like that.
Look, please, please, of everybody, I need you to listen to me, okay? I mean, you have this whole other life that nobody seems to remember but me.
Maybe you should talk to somebody about that.
Look, Mr.
-- - Agent.
- Agent.
- Agent Pete Lattimer.
Now I've been an agent at Warehouse 13 for three years and so have you.
And to keep the world safe, we track down dangerous artifacts and store them in a warehouse in South Dakota.
[Laughs.]
There is no reality in which I would live in South Dakota.
And this--this is a government warehouse.
Well--well, sort of.
It's the 13th warehouse that's ever been, started by Alexander the Great-- and you think I'm crazy, don't you? Big time.
[Sighs.]
I bet you hit the silent alarm, didn't you? Before you even started talking.
Yeah.
That's what I would have done.
- Buh-bye.
- I'll see ya.
Merry Christmas.
Tell me how a man in handcuffs was able to take you by surprise.
The guy obviously has military training.
As do you.
Sandra, would you be a dear and fetch him? - Of course, James.
Here you go.
You're the only woman I know who can make me follow her into a bar.
Aagh! Okay, this is not cute, all right? This is not funny.
I am a federal agent, and I can easily and happily shoot you.
Okay, okay.
I'll make you a deal.
The deal is that you walk away, I never see you again, and you don't go to jail.
Fine, fine, just answer one question, and I'll leave you alone forever.
Only because it's less paperwork.
[Clears throat.]
Why are you spending Christmas Eve alone? Because the Myka I know, my Myka, she's surrounded by people who love her.
- People love me.
- Who? People.
My secretary gave me this pen for Christmas.
It's Mont Blanc.
You bought that for yourself.
No, I didn't.
So what if I did? How did-- how do you know that? Because nobody gives or wants a fancy pen for Christmas unless they grew up in a bookstore and have a deep and reverent love for the written word.
And that is my Myka.
Well, this Myka is creeped out.
Okay, look, I know it sounds bad-- living in South Dakota, working at a warehouse with an emotionally-stunted partner-- but my Myka loves it.
And why is that? Because she knows the world is full of endless wonder.
Endless wonder? We're done here.
Your father's still alive.
My Myka reconciled with him a couple years ago.
She's spending Christmas at home in Colorado.
That is a cheap shot.
It really is, using my family, but my relationship with my father is no secret.
But his book was a secret, wasn't it? How did you Mom burned that.
I didn't even know about that until after dad The Blue Willow Sky.
It was about you.
You read it to him when he was sick, and he got better.
You saved him, Myka.
And now I need you to save me.
Let me be perfectly clear.
I know places where people would never find your body.
Deal.
I'll even dig the hole.
Okay.
Now the guy we're looking for is Artie Nielsen.
Wait, do you mean Arthur Weisfelt? Good.
Good, good.
You know him.
Oh, he'll know what to do.
Do you know where he is? Yes.
He's right where I left him.
Weisfelt, you have a visitor.
[Buzzer.]
You! You remember me! No.
Her! Agent Bering.
How can I forget the reason I haven't seen daylight in over three years? That's what happens to people who try to assassinate the President.
I was trying to snag and bag the bloodstone, and people died because you wouldn't let me do my j-- what am I doing? What's the point? The bloodstone, the museum.
That's where I met you guys for the first time.
That was our first artifact.
Ha ha.
One step forward.
Artifact? Who are you? And two steps back.
Okay.
Artie, look, I need you to take a leap of faith with me.
My name is Agent Pete Lattimer, I've worked at Warehouse 13 since we met at the museum with the bloodstone, and I've been trying-- - stop.
What did you touch? Me.
No, I haven't touched anything.
It's MacPherson.
MacPherson's the one that made the world go all wonky Wait, wait, when exactly, exactly did the world start to go wonky? After I put back Rudolph's nose in the Christmas aisle.
The aisle of Noel.
Wait a minute.
Did you by any chance touch a brush? One with a long green handle and tan-colored bristles? Does fell on me count as touched? [Sighs.]
Philip van Doren Stern's upholstery brush.
- Stern.
He wrote a short story called "The Greatest Gift".
The movie It's a Wonderful Life was based on it.
It's not important.
See, Myka knows things.
Even when you're not Myka, you're Myka.
See, if you touched that brush, then you were literally swept away.
You've never been born.
What are you talking about? I've been born.
See, I'm here.
The world is here.
In fact, you know, I've kind of saved it a few times.
You? [Laughs.]
Saved the world.
Yes.
I can prove it.
Okay? Just hold on.
Where is it? Man, Catie's candy cane is gone.
Catie's candy cane is gone because you've never existed.
Okay, what does that even mean? Okay, wait, because I wasn't there, Myka arrested you? And I went to jail, and MacPherson somehow convinced the Regents that he had been rehabilitated.
Well, if H.
G.
Wells could do it.
Never mind.
Okay, so, somehow, if this Pete Lattimer existed, he kept my father from having a heart attack? It's possible.
If he played a part in mending the relationship between you and your father, then it could have had a positive effect on your father's health, yeah.
I want to believe you, I do, it's just-- Iinsane.
Yeah, I know, but people's lives are far more intertwined than we all realize.
Intertwined? As in a nut ball follows me home from a bar, I release a terrorist from prison, and then what, I lose my job? Yeah, I'd say that's about right.
Put it that way, yeah, you got it, I think.
I mean, yeah.
I was the arresting officer.
You can remand him to my custody.
Absolutely no way.
You need a presiding judge to sign a-- - Sir.
I think you need to read this.
Excuse me.
Look, I was crazy to even ask.
This will never fly.
It would take a miracle to get him released on such short-- - Agent Bering.
It seems that you can have Mr.
Weisfelt for 24 hours.
What? Just like that? But you said I had no authorization.
Someone higher up is pulling this string.
Mrs.
Frederic? MacPherson's not just gonna let us walk back into the warehouse.
I can't walk in there at all.
He's injected me with some kind of solution that reacts violently to the painite in the warehouse walls.
Violently is an understatement.
I mean, there's sizzling and caving in and bones turning into I mean, it's not gonna happen to you.
Anyway, no one has ever broken into Warehouse 13.
Well, that's not exactly true.
How well do you remember Claudia Donovan? James.
You were right.
Weisfelt was released from prison, and Lattimer was with him.
Ah, and one particularly interesting detail.
He's more dangerous than I thought.
Go join Sandra.
I want him stopped and brought back.
One way or another? Surprise me.
[Door beeps.]
[screams.]
All right, 307.
This is it.
Now I think you guys should wait out here.
We don't want to frighten the poor girl, and she may remember me.
So Hello? Claudia Donovan? Hello? Claudia? Hello? Claudia? Hello, Professor.
Claudia.
I was really hoping you'd come visit me some day.
- What? - Happy holidays.
[Yells.]
What the hell is that? You work with what you got.
Now you're gonna help me get my brother back.
[Yells.]
Help! Help! Claudia! Claudia, listen.
Your brother Joshua, he's trapped in an interdimensional space, but we know how to get him back.
- We do? - We do? You know about Joshua? Yes, and Rheticus' compass.
You're not crazy.
Okay, it all happened.
And we're gonna save him, but we need your help.
Stay.
What do you want me to do? Break into a large depository filled with mystical artifacts located in the South Dakota Badlands.
Warehouse 13? I've been trying to hack into that place for years.
- One condition.
- Name it.
- When we're done, I get him.
- Deal.
- Hey.
- Relax.
She shocks you all the time.
It's your thing.
Breaking out two inmates in one day-- really doesn't sound like me.
And now we run.
Split up! Not you! Right behind me! She-bangie! Raymond! Hey, secret agent lady.
She-bangie too.
Good job Partner.
How long have you two been partners? - Three hours.
- Three years.
[Knock at door.]
Somebody let me out of here.
[Knocking at door.]
Hey! Hello, James.
Mrs.
Frederic.
Sneaking up on me like that could spoil your holiday surprise.
Why have you pulled our agents from the hunt for Shakespeare's lost folio? I didn't think I had to clear every order with you.
Why do you have surveillance on Artie's prison cell? Not sure I like your tone.
Why was I not told there was an intruder who claims that you have been selling artifacts and who-- Can't move? DeMille's riding crop.
It comes in handy.
I have rather a special gift for you.
But I couldn't think how to wrap it.
If you do this, James, there'll be no turning back.
What other choice did you give me? You freed Arthur because you trust him more than me.
This is not the most convincing way to win me over.
I did try.
I spent three years looking for a way to appreciate the work that you and the Regents do.
And? I couldn't find it.
[Buttons beeping.]
[Machinery whining.]
[Farnsworth buzzes.]
They got away, James.
There's four of them now.
Get back here immediately.
The warehouse is under attack.
No one can be trusted.
So a magic necklace is gonna keep your blood from turning to acid when you enter the warehouse? It's not magic.
It is science.
And yes.
And be quiet.
Oh, you know what, do not tell me what to do, old man.
Old man? Ow! Old man.
You're a little juvenile-- - hey! Hey, don't turn on the Leena.
Hi.
Um, you haven't met Claudia or Myka yet.
But you really like them.
I don't know what those Fascists have told you, Leena, but you know me.
And you know what an artifact can do.
If you would just trust me, trust me this once.
Stop.
Something wasn't right, I could feel it.
I'm glad you're back, Artie.
Thank you.
I know there's an exit here.
You used it to smuggle out H.
G.
Wells.
Why do you keep talking about him? H.
G.
Wells is a woman.
You guys were best pals.
She gave you a grappler.
You know what, just stop talking.
More like Myka every minute.
It's here! It's here.
I've got it.
It just--it looks like a wall of rock.
Yeah, well, looks can be deceiving.
This is the original entrance to Warehouse 9 in Constantinople.
And also it was the inspiration for Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves.
"Behind this door lies boundless treasure.
" Very good.
Yes.
Well, then what? We just say "open sesame"? Yes, but unless one of us can say it in Arabic, we're gonna have to find another way in.
Iftah ya simsim.
[Laughs.]
Miss Donovan, it looks like you're up.
Good work.
Really? It was in the first edition.
I will never make fun of you again.
- How come I don't believe that? - Ah.
[Chuckles.]
- Oof.
- Careful.
If you activate the security countermeasures, then frostbite will be the least of our problems.
Rest it, will ya? I take precautions before I do something dangerous to the people around me.
Claudia, I'm really sorry that your brother-- - Not now, gramps.
I'm being awesome.
Knock knock.
Claudia, wait.
Claudia.
Claudia, wait.
Wait.
Dude, you're such an old woman.
We're in.
All we have to - Oh.
- Yes.
Oh.
Well, which one do we take? They're all exactly the same.
Only one of them will take us to the warehouse.
And the other two? Don't.
It's the one on the left.
How do you know that? I got a vibe.
Is that some sort of code or Hell if I know.
Great.
Hey.
[Banging.]
- Pete.
Pete.
- What? Pull.
Yes.
Would it kill you to put up a sign? Oh, I'll put that at the top of my to-do list.
So this vibe that you were talking about, does it actually Oh, my God.
All I want to do is find my Holy crap.
Hi, honey.
I'm home.
[Laughs.]
This is What is this? Welcome to Warehouse 13.
Okay.
It razzled.
I'm dazzled.
Now let's find your brush, my compass, and we'll get you some courage.
I want my brother back.
Hey, hey, Claud.
You know, it's not just about Joshua or the compass.
The three of us, we're your family too.
I mean, I'm like your big brother.
And Myka's like your big sister.
And Artie's so much like your dad, it's kind of annoying.
And, in the real world, we've already rescued Josh.
He's at Cern.
And the four of us, we work here every day, surrounded by this This Endless wonder? Oh, and Artie makes the best cookies in the world.
Well, maybe not the best.
Oh, can we please? So pushy.
Listen, do you know how to get to the aisle of Noel? Shyeah.
More or less.
All right, come here.
Come here.
Look, all right, straight down there, starting there, you go 40 rows, you go straight, you turn left at Buckingham 311.
Then you turn right at the Woodmont sector, you go ten more rows, you turn right at Peyton 1222.
You got that? Shyeah.
- Okay.
- More or less.
I'll remember that.
Huh.
Okay.
Good.
You two go get the brush, and Claudia and I will go to the office computers and try and figure out how to reverse the effect.
No way I could go with them, is there? Not a chance.
Come with me, daughter.
This is the turn-- Peyton 1222.
That's That's That's artifact juju at work.
Come on.
Oh, damn.
It's MacPherson.
He set a trap.
Okay, wait, look, if this MacPherson knew that we'd be here, then what about Artie and Claudia? James always loved these damn things.
Bonsai, Jimmy! What are you doing? Trying to find a way around these security protocols.
Silence from the landscaping department, please.
I set this system up.
I was a top NSA cryptographer.
You can't just-- - And I'm in.
Eh.
Oh, well, they must have loosened up the security.
If that's what you need to tell yourself, Deputy Dog.
Yeah, so Fine, you hack.
I'll navigate.
Just click there.
Click--cli-- there.
It's just there.
Stop.
[Beeping.]
That's it.
But That is not good news.
What is it? Rheumatism acting up? No, look out.
Hello, Arthur.
How do we usually solve this stuff? Well, we--we goo it, we break it, or we outsmart it.
Wait a minute, that's your I've-got-a-plan look.
I love that look.
We're kind of trapped in an infinity band here, right? Duh.
What now? Okay, a lemniscate.
It's a term in algebraic geometry.
It's a figure-eight-shaped curve that never meets itself-- you know what, I'll explain it later.
Listen, if we both move-- well, if we run as fast as we can in opposite directions, we might be able to kind of snap ourselves out of it.
- Okay.
- All right.
- You ready? - Yes.
- Snap.
- Okay.
- On your marks - Yeah.
- Get set - Right.
- Go.
Pete, I think it's working! I really should get back into my cardio.
[Grunts.]
Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh.
And that is why we're partners.
The Christmas aisle should be right around this Ah, humbug.
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! This is my fault.
I told MacPherson I was in the Christmas aisle.
Of course he's gonna figure out the artifact came from there.
Well, he must not know which artifact it is.
If he took them all, we still have the advantage.
No, we don't.
He's got Artie and Claudia.
I just got a bad feeling about Yup.
He took 'em to the bronze sector.
The bronze sector? I'll tell you on the ride.
Ride? [Groans.]
Listen to me, what's your name? Sandra.
Let her go.
She knows nothing about all this.
Orders are orders.
You should know that, Weisfelt.
That's not how I ran this place.
Which is probably why you're about to be bronzed.
Listen, Professor Artie Thanks for saving me from the slice-and-dice back there.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry I can't help out now.
[Clears throat.]
Listen, according to the manual, this isn't supposed to be painful.
Yeah, I don't know.
Just take a deep breath.
Hey, goon squad.
Ray, look out.
[Buttons beep.]
Oh, I love this thing.
Good job.
Got to show me that move.
Mrs.
Frederic.
He bronzed-- Yeah, no time.
She'll keep.
We got to go.
Keep? In order to reverse the effects of the Stern brush, all Pete has to do is touch it again.
Well, what if MacPherson touches it first? No, it's linked to Pete now.
It's not going to affect anybody else, but if we don't find it, that would be bad.
I figured.
And James is going to try to make this reality permanent by destroying the brush.
And you know how, don't you? Yeah, there's only one way that he can be sure.
He is headed for the Lehmann Fornax.
You just make this stuff up, don't you? In 1939, Inge Lehmann discovered the earth had a super-heated core, and we've been using it to heat this warehouse since 1943.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
This place is heated by a giant furnace powered by the earth's core? You should see the air-conditioner.
He's up there.
See? So you just keep him talking.
What are you gonna do? Find a way to be awesome.
Hey, Jimmy! So it's four against one.
How do you want this to go down? What a wonderful choice of words.
[Locking mechanism clanks.]
He's locked us in.
Aagh! Still think I'm crazy? I'll let you know when I wake up.
I'm sure I can find a way to override this.
Okay, okay, James, I may have been wrong about the other reality.
Maybe you're not dead.
Maybe you're rich, you're famous.
Are you gonna tell me which one of these, Mr.
Lattimer, or shall I have to toss in the whole bag? No, no, you can't destroy that many artifacts at once.
You could kill us all.
That's a chance I'm willing to take.
I suppose I should thank you, Mr.
Lattimer.
Thank me for what? Your sudden appearance brought things to a head between myself and the Regents.
Arthur knows.
Don't you, Arthur? Arthur! The Lenape cloak.
You know you shouldn't play with artifacts, Arthur.
You know this is wrong.
I'm not the one who broke in.
Get out of my warehouse.
Your warehouse? Over my dead body.
Excellent idea.
Hang on.
I've almost got it.
Artie, Artie! The brush! Artie, look behind you! [Grunts.]
Don't make me do this.
Give me the brush, Arthur.
Claudia! Almost, almost.
There's not enough time.
Artie.
You know what you're doing? - Artie.
- Taking a leap of faith.
So am I.
No! Pete! [Gasps.]
[Yelling.]
[Shouts.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, no, you don't.
Ooh, ooh, ow.
Ah.
Thank you for saving Bucky.
[Laughs.]
[Sighs.]
[Exhales.]
[Laughs.]
[Dog barks.]
Hey, Trailer.
Ugh! [Laughs.]
Mm.
Oh, come on, Mrs.
F.
Please.
Absolutely not.
When you're older, then you can add schnapps.
Not before.
How much older do I have to be? It's Christmas.
Shoulda left with Steve.
You're here.
- You're still here.
- Yeah, we never left.
It's the worst blizzard in South Dakota history.
Nobody's getting out, not even It's that bad.
What about Artie? - He's here, right? - Hot! Oatmeal scotchies! The only person happy about it is smiley Magoo over here.
But he looks fantastic.
Yeah, I look like I should be parking cars.
Vanessa got snowed in too, so it's only my father and Hugo that are gonna be in Vegas.
[Laughs.]
I guess it truly is a season of miracles.
Myka.
Where's Myka? I'm right here! I just got a new flight.
Whoa, whoa, what-- - Mwah.
- What? What do you want? No, I am not trading jobs with you, okay? I am leaving tomorrow morning.
I know.
You're going to see your dad, because he is still alive! [Laughs.]
Yes! This is the best Christmas ever.
- Uh, Pete - And without me you would still be in crazy town.
Mwah.
Mwah.
Oh, and Artemis, Artemis, Artemis [Grunts.]
You would be in prison.
Not a great look for you.
Oh, and the lovely Leena.
Leena [Kissing sounds.]
You eventually do the right thing.
- I'm sorry? - Don't be.
How could you know? And you.
Mrs.
Frederic, Mrs.
F.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna hug you.
But I am what's keeping you from being bronzed.
Oh, Agent Lattimer, please.
Oh, okay.
[Dog whines.]
I kind of crossed the line there, didn't I? And we won't speak of it again.
- Pete.
- Yeah.
- What is going on? - Oh, nothing, nothing.
I just, um Are you all right? - 'Cause - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah, I'm just I'm so happy to be alive, you guys, and I just-- I really, really, really, really love you.
- Okay.
- Needy much? Down, boy.
Awkward.
You're being a sap.
[Overlapping statements.]
- It's time.
- Yeah? It's starting.
- Yes.
- I didn't miss it.
The Christmas Eve fight at the MGM Grand.
Bring it.
Yo, Adrian.
[Chatter.]
[Laughs.]
And now Frank Capra's classic It's a Wonderful Life.
Nooo! Just another holiday at Warehouse 13.
[Thud.]
[Electronic beeping.]
[Bulbs popping.]
[Screaming.]
[Pleas and screams continue.]
Oh, just one normal Christmas, huh? Is that too much to ask? Oh, I am having a normal Christmas, all right? My dad is waiting for me to decorate the tree this year, and I am not missing it.
So All right, well, we've got plenty of time.
If we just snag and bag the schnoz-- whoa! - Pete! [Yelling.]
Oh, Myka! Whoa, whoa! Yah! Myka! - Pete! - I'm okay.
Just get to Rudolph.
On Dancer, on Prancer - Ow! - On Donner and Blitzen.
Ho ho ho! [Whipping sound.]
Ah! [Grunting.]
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! [Whipping sound.]
Ho ho ho! [Grunting.]
Hey! - I got it! - Would you bag it? This kid's got a mean streak.
Hey! That's my tennis elbow.
[Bulbs pop.]
Warehouse 13 3x13 The Greatest Gift [Reindeer grunts.]
Come back, Bucky! Catie! Don't go out there.
- Catie! - Bucky! Go inside, Bucky.
Catie.
Catie, be careful.
Watch out for-- oh.
- Hey.
What the heck was that? All we did was plug it in.
Yeah, we're from Florida Power.
We tracked a surge to this address.
Yes, you had too many lights.
One too many to be exact.
But there was a reindeer, a live reindeer, in my kitchen.
Escaped.
It escaped from the Christmas pageant at the zoo.
- The zoo had a pageant? Well, it was invitation-only.
Oh, hello down there.
Do you work for Santa? I do.
I work in customer relations.
Thank you for saving Bucky.
Oh, you're welcome, Catie.
You know what, Santa loves candy canes.
And so do I.
Thank you.
Chillax, grumpy.
It's just an early Christmas present.
- No! - Artie.
I'm not going to allow you to go to Vegas with Dr.
Vanessa wearing your usual symphony in brown.
Brown is slimming.
I like brown.
And if I wear that in Vegas, they'll think I'm a croupier.
And I'm not gonna go to Vegas.
There's way too much to do here.
The gooery needs flushing.
And I haven't cycled the security encryption in months.
- What? - What happened? Yeah, you've been looking forward to this thing with Vanessa for weeks.
What happened? My father called, wanting to get together for the holiday.
Thank you for that.
Then he found out about Vegas, and now he guilted me into coming with.
- Ooh.
- No, it gets worse.
Ha-ha.
Hugo found out about Vegas somehow, and now he wants to come too.
Well, you can't spend another Christmas alone in the warehouse.
No, I can't.
I can go with you to Switzerland to be with your brother Joshua.
- No, no, no.
No, I'm going snowboarding in the Alps.
I'm not sitting in a corner and listening to the two of you discuss quantum physics.
That never ends well.
Vegas! - Please.
Please.
- Vegas! Shut up.
Listen, Pete, Pete, I could stay here this year.
I could go on warehouse duty.
Next year you could do it.
No, no, no.
I drew the short straw fair and square, Artie.
Besides, my mom and my sister are taking a shopping spree in New York City, and I'd rather be dragged by a truck over broken glass.
- [Groans.]
- Look, Artie, don't worry.
You can stay with me and my family for Christmas.
- Ohh.
That's excellent.
That's great.
Thank you so much.
Well, I bet that Hugo would make sure Dr.
Vanessa doesn't even miss you.
- [Grumbles.]
- [Mimics Artie's grumbling.]
- Vegas, baby, Vegas! - [Cheers.]
Murder is legal in Vegas, right? Oh, my God, I have to pack.
Oh, hey, I'll see you later at Leena's for some farewell fruitcake.
I am off to the Christmas aisle.
Yeah, L'chaim.
Jingle bells ha, jingle all the way huh, huh oh, what fun it is to ride I like.
In a one-horse open sleigh hey tip your waitresses.
[Scatting.]
Rudolph's nose is right here Bam.
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open Ooh! I'm gonna sue Mrs.
Frederic.
And a jingle bells I just fell I'm gonna get me some workman's comp and something with pain jingle bells jingle bells, mm jingle bells thank you.
Who are you guys? - Hands now.
- Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell? How did you get in here? Me? How did I-- okay, that's very funny.
Artie! Come on out.
The joke's over.
Where's Artie? Arthur hasn't worked here in a very long time.
MacPherson.
But you're dead.
I mean, this-- this is just nuts.
The last time I saw you, you were nothing more than a pile of dust in front of the Escher vault.
Were I dead I should think I'd be the first to know.
He's clean, James.
No I.
D.
either.
Now how do you know about the Escher vault? How'd you even get in here? [Impact.]
Ooh! You break into a high-security facility, and you start asking us questions? Raymond, any friend of Arthur's is someone I want to speak with.
I don't know how you did this, but you won't get away with it.
Get away with what? And how do you know me? - We've never met.
- Fine.
Keep playing your game.
I know this may sound strange to you, but I think you're under the influence of what we call an artifact.
Have you come into contact with anything unusual? - Maybe a family heirloom? - No! No! I haven't been whammied.
You have.
Have you noticed the smell of fudge when there is no fudge? If this is some kind of a joke, I get it, I get it, okay? It's the best holiday prank ever.
Ha ha ha ha.
I mean, what, is Artie using Harriet Tubman's thimble to turn himself into Dr.
Evil? James, we've been looking for that thimble for years.
How do you know this stuff? How'd you break in? Look, bad cop, I didn't break in.
He did.
I was coming back from the Christmas aisle, I came into Artie's office, and found James MacPherson, Agent-turned-killer-- Killer? Do you know how many lives this man has saved? He blew up the umbilicus with Artie in it! He freed H.
G.
Wells.
She tried to blow up the world.
Search for artifacts that cause delusions like this.
Raymond, take him to Leena's and tell me-- Leena.
She knows me.
She'll back me up.
Oh, Leena, thank God.
Would you--would you please tell grunt number one here who I am? Who are you? Pete.
It's--I'm Pete.
Remember? I have a really good aura.
I'm in tune.
That's so strange.
You don't have an aura.
What? You love my aura.
You flirted with my aura.
Leena.
Leena, I would never hurt you.
You know that.
[Farnsworth buzzing.]
What does Leena say? Just like we thought.
She doesn't know him either.
He's definitely dangerous.
There's no record of a Peter Lattimer anywhere.
I'm not getting any hits on his prints either.
James says we better take him to the box.
All right.
Coming back.
Ray, look out! Uh-uh-uh.
The Leena I know is a lot nicer to her guests.
Now you drop that and get over there.
Now I have got to stop MacPherson.
Ah.
He thinks artifacts belong out in the world.
So he sells them on the black market.
And I think he's used one to whammy everybody.
If you think that you can single-handedly stop James MacPherson, you really are insane.
Never said I was gonna do it alone.
So he sells them on the black market.
[Telephone rings.]
Bering & Son Books.
Mrs.
Bering, hey.
Oh, my-- [Sighs.]
Thank God.
It's so good to hear your voice.
It's Pete.
Pete who? Uh, Pete Lattimer, Myka's partner.
I didn't know Myka had a partner.
You and I met a couple years ago.
Edgar Allen Poe's pen.
Is this some sort of joke? Look, could you please just put Myka on? I know she's there for Christmas, so Myka hasn't been home from DC in two years, not Not since her father's funeral, so I'd appreciate it if you-- What? No.
Warren is alive.
He's decorating the tree with Myka tonight.
All right, that's enough.
You picked the wrong family to pull this on, mister.
My daughter is a federal agent.
So just back off.
[Receiver clicks, dial tone.]
Da da Your agents may be pretty great at taking a bullet, but you might want to warn 'em about the pickpockets.
Did you just admit to a crime? You have no idea who I am, do you? Should I? Uh, okay, okay.
Um Do the words "warehouse", "artifact", or "Univille" mean anything to you? No, but "creepy", "trespassing", and "federal offense" do.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Okay.
What if I told you that I knew you spoke a bazillion languages, that your secret high school crush was Kurt Smoller, and you can't watch any movie where an animal dies? Would you hear me out then? No, I would think you were a stalker with access to Facebook and then I would call security.
- I am your partner.
- Really? Because I think I would remember something like that.
Look, please, please, of everybody, I need you to listen to me, okay? I mean, you have this whole other life that nobody seems to remember but me.
Maybe you should talk to somebody about that.
Look, Mr.
-- - Agent.
- Agent.
- Agent Pete Lattimer.
Now I've been an agent at Warehouse 13 for three years and so have you.
And to keep the world safe, we track down dangerous artifacts and store them in a warehouse in South Dakota.
[Laughs.]
There is no reality in which I would live in South Dakota.
And this--this is a government warehouse.
Well--well, sort of.
It's the 13th warehouse that's ever been, started by Alexander the Great-- and you think I'm crazy, don't you? Big time.
[Sighs.]
I bet you hit the silent alarm, didn't you? Before you even started talking.
Yeah.
That's what I would have done.
- Buh-bye.
- I'll see ya.
Merry Christmas.
Tell me how a man in handcuffs was able to take you by surprise.
The guy obviously has military training.
As do you.
Sandra, would you be a dear and fetch him? - Of course, James.
Here you go.
You're the only woman I know who can make me follow her into a bar.
Aagh! Okay, this is not cute, all right? This is not funny.
I am a federal agent, and I can easily and happily shoot you.
Okay, okay.
I'll make you a deal.
The deal is that you walk away, I never see you again, and you don't go to jail.
Fine, fine, just answer one question, and I'll leave you alone forever.
Only because it's less paperwork.
[Clears throat.]
Why are you spending Christmas Eve alone? Because the Myka I know, my Myka, she's surrounded by people who love her.
- People love me.
- Who? People.
My secretary gave me this pen for Christmas.
It's Mont Blanc.
You bought that for yourself.
No, I didn't.
So what if I did? How did-- how do you know that? Because nobody gives or wants a fancy pen for Christmas unless they grew up in a bookstore and have a deep and reverent love for the written word.
And that is my Myka.
Well, this Myka is creeped out.
Okay, look, I know it sounds bad-- living in South Dakota, working at a warehouse with an emotionally-stunted partner-- but my Myka loves it.
And why is that? Because she knows the world is full of endless wonder.
Endless wonder? We're done here.
Your father's still alive.
My Myka reconciled with him a couple years ago.
She's spending Christmas at home in Colorado.
That is a cheap shot.
It really is, using my family, but my relationship with my father is no secret.
But his book was a secret, wasn't it? How did you Mom burned that.
I didn't even know about that until after dad The Blue Willow Sky.
It was about you.
You read it to him when he was sick, and he got better.
You saved him, Myka.
And now I need you to save me.
Let me be perfectly clear.
I know places where people would never find your body.
Deal.
I'll even dig the hole.
Okay.
Now the guy we're looking for is Artie Nielsen.
Wait, do you mean Arthur Weisfelt? Good.
Good, good.
You know him.
Oh, he'll know what to do.
Do you know where he is? Yes.
He's right where I left him.
Weisfelt, you have a visitor.
[Buzzer.]
You! You remember me! No.
Her! Agent Bering.
How can I forget the reason I haven't seen daylight in over three years? That's what happens to people who try to assassinate the President.
I was trying to snag and bag the bloodstone, and people died because you wouldn't let me do my j-- what am I doing? What's the point? The bloodstone, the museum.
That's where I met you guys for the first time.
That was our first artifact.
Ha ha.
One step forward.
Artifact? Who are you? And two steps back.
Okay.
Artie, look, I need you to take a leap of faith with me.
My name is Agent Pete Lattimer, I've worked at Warehouse 13 since we met at the museum with the bloodstone, and I've been trying-- - stop.
What did you touch? Me.
No, I haven't touched anything.
It's MacPherson.
MacPherson's the one that made the world go all wonky Wait, wait, when exactly, exactly did the world start to go wonky? After I put back Rudolph's nose in the Christmas aisle.
The aisle of Noel.
Wait a minute.
Did you by any chance touch a brush? One with a long green handle and tan-colored bristles? Does fell on me count as touched? [Sighs.]
Philip van Doren Stern's upholstery brush.
- Stern.
He wrote a short story called "The Greatest Gift".
The movie It's a Wonderful Life was based on it.
It's not important.
See, Myka knows things.
Even when you're not Myka, you're Myka.
See, if you touched that brush, then you were literally swept away.
You've never been born.
What are you talking about? I've been born.
See, I'm here.
The world is here.
In fact, you know, I've kind of saved it a few times.
You? [Laughs.]
Saved the world.
Yes.
I can prove it.
Okay? Just hold on.
Where is it? Man, Catie's candy cane is gone.
Catie's candy cane is gone because you've never existed.
Okay, what does that even mean? Okay, wait, because I wasn't there, Myka arrested you? And I went to jail, and MacPherson somehow convinced the Regents that he had been rehabilitated.
Well, if H.
G.
Wells could do it.
Never mind.
Okay, so, somehow, if this Pete Lattimer existed, he kept my father from having a heart attack? It's possible.
If he played a part in mending the relationship between you and your father, then it could have had a positive effect on your father's health, yeah.
I want to believe you, I do, it's just-- Iinsane.
Yeah, I know, but people's lives are far more intertwined than we all realize.
Intertwined? As in a nut ball follows me home from a bar, I release a terrorist from prison, and then what, I lose my job? Yeah, I'd say that's about right.
Put it that way, yeah, you got it, I think.
I mean, yeah.
I was the arresting officer.
You can remand him to my custody.
Absolutely no way.
You need a presiding judge to sign a-- - Sir.
I think you need to read this.
Excuse me.
Look, I was crazy to even ask.
This will never fly.
It would take a miracle to get him released on such short-- - Agent Bering.
It seems that you can have Mr.
Weisfelt for 24 hours.
What? Just like that? But you said I had no authorization.
Someone higher up is pulling this string.
Mrs.
Frederic? MacPherson's not just gonna let us walk back into the warehouse.
I can't walk in there at all.
He's injected me with some kind of solution that reacts violently to the painite in the warehouse walls.
Violently is an understatement.
I mean, there's sizzling and caving in and bones turning into I mean, it's not gonna happen to you.
Anyway, no one has ever broken into Warehouse 13.
Well, that's not exactly true.
How well do you remember Claudia Donovan? James.
You were right.
Weisfelt was released from prison, and Lattimer was with him.
Ah, and one particularly interesting detail.
He's more dangerous than I thought.
Go join Sandra.
I want him stopped and brought back.
One way or another? Surprise me.
[Door beeps.]
[screams.]
All right, 307.
This is it.
Now I think you guys should wait out here.
We don't want to frighten the poor girl, and she may remember me.
So Hello? Claudia Donovan? Hello? Claudia? Hello? Claudia? Hello, Professor.
Claudia.
I was really hoping you'd come visit me some day.
- What? - Happy holidays.
[Yells.]
What the hell is that? You work with what you got.
Now you're gonna help me get my brother back.
[Yells.]
Help! Help! Claudia! Claudia, listen.
Your brother Joshua, he's trapped in an interdimensional space, but we know how to get him back.
- We do? - We do? You know about Joshua? Yes, and Rheticus' compass.
You're not crazy.
Okay, it all happened.
And we're gonna save him, but we need your help.
Stay.
What do you want me to do? Break into a large depository filled with mystical artifacts located in the South Dakota Badlands.
Warehouse 13? I've been trying to hack into that place for years.
- One condition.
- Name it.
- When we're done, I get him.
- Deal.
- Hey.
- Relax.
She shocks you all the time.
It's your thing.
Breaking out two inmates in one day-- really doesn't sound like me.
And now we run.
Split up! Not you! Right behind me! She-bangie! Raymond! Hey, secret agent lady.
She-bangie too.
Good job Partner.
How long have you two been partners? - Three hours.
- Three years.
[Knock at door.]
Somebody let me out of here.
[Knocking at door.]
Hey! Hello, James.
Mrs.
Frederic.
Sneaking up on me like that could spoil your holiday surprise.
Why have you pulled our agents from the hunt for Shakespeare's lost folio? I didn't think I had to clear every order with you.
Why do you have surveillance on Artie's prison cell? Not sure I like your tone.
Why was I not told there was an intruder who claims that you have been selling artifacts and who-- Can't move? DeMille's riding crop.
It comes in handy.
I have rather a special gift for you.
But I couldn't think how to wrap it.
If you do this, James, there'll be no turning back.
What other choice did you give me? You freed Arthur because you trust him more than me.
This is not the most convincing way to win me over.
I did try.
I spent three years looking for a way to appreciate the work that you and the Regents do.
And? I couldn't find it.
[Buttons beeping.]
[Machinery whining.]
[Farnsworth buzzes.]
They got away, James.
There's four of them now.
Get back here immediately.
The warehouse is under attack.
No one can be trusted.
So a magic necklace is gonna keep your blood from turning to acid when you enter the warehouse? It's not magic.
It is science.
And yes.
And be quiet.
Oh, you know what, do not tell me what to do, old man.
Old man? Ow! Old man.
You're a little juvenile-- - hey! Hey, don't turn on the Leena.
Hi.
Um, you haven't met Claudia or Myka yet.
But you really like them.
I don't know what those Fascists have told you, Leena, but you know me.
And you know what an artifact can do.
If you would just trust me, trust me this once.
Stop.
Something wasn't right, I could feel it.
I'm glad you're back, Artie.
Thank you.
I know there's an exit here.
You used it to smuggle out H.
G.
Wells.
Why do you keep talking about him? H.
G.
Wells is a woman.
You guys were best pals.
She gave you a grappler.
You know what, just stop talking.
More like Myka every minute.
It's here! It's here.
I've got it.
It just--it looks like a wall of rock.
Yeah, well, looks can be deceiving.
This is the original entrance to Warehouse 9 in Constantinople.
And also it was the inspiration for Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves.
"Behind this door lies boundless treasure.
" Very good.
Yes.
Well, then what? We just say "open sesame"? Yes, but unless one of us can say it in Arabic, we're gonna have to find another way in.
Iftah ya simsim.
[Laughs.]
Miss Donovan, it looks like you're up.
Good work.
Really? It was in the first edition.
I will never make fun of you again.
- How come I don't believe that? - Ah.
[Chuckles.]
- Oof.
- Careful.
If you activate the security countermeasures, then frostbite will be the least of our problems.
Rest it, will ya? I take precautions before I do something dangerous to the people around me.
Claudia, I'm really sorry that your brother-- - Not now, gramps.
I'm being awesome.
Knock knock.
Claudia, wait.
Claudia.
Claudia, wait.
Wait.
Dude, you're such an old woman.
We're in.
All we have to - Oh.
- Yes.
Oh.
Well, which one do we take? They're all exactly the same.
Only one of them will take us to the warehouse.
And the other two? Don't.
It's the one on the left.
How do you know that? I got a vibe.
Is that some sort of code or Hell if I know.
Great.
Hey.
[Banging.]
- Pete.
Pete.
- What? Pull.
Yes.
Would it kill you to put up a sign? Oh, I'll put that at the top of my to-do list.
So this vibe that you were talking about, does it actually Oh, my God.
All I want to do is find my Holy crap.
Hi, honey.
I'm home.
[Laughs.]
This is What is this? Welcome to Warehouse 13.
Okay.
It razzled.
I'm dazzled.
Now let's find your brush, my compass, and we'll get you some courage.
I want my brother back.
Hey, hey, Claud.
You know, it's not just about Joshua or the compass.
The three of us, we're your family too.
I mean, I'm like your big brother.
And Myka's like your big sister.
And Artie's so much like your dad, it's kind of annoying.
And, in the real world, we've already rescued Josh.
He's at Cern.
And the four of us, we work here every day, surrounded by this This Endless wonder? Oh, and Artie makes the best cookies in the world.
Well, maybe not the best.
Oh, can we please? So pushy.
Listen, do you know how to get to the aisle of Noel? Shyeah.
More or less.
All right, come here.
Come here.
Look, all right, straight down there, starting there, you go 40 rows, you go straight, you turn left at Buckingham 311.
Then you turn right at the Woodmont sector, you go ten more rows, you turn right at Peyton 1222.
You got that? Shyeah.
- Okay.
- More or less.
I'll remember that.
Huh.
Okay.
Good.
You two go get the brush, and Claudia and I will go to the office computers and try and figure out how to reverse the effect.
No way I could go with them, is there? Not a chance.
Come with me, daughter.
This is the turn-- Peyton 1222.
That's That's That's artifact juju at work.
Come on.
Oh, damn.
It's MacPherson.
He set a trap.
Okay, wait, look, if this MacPherson knew that we'd be here, then what about Artie and Claudia? James always loved these damn things.
Bonsai, Jimmy! What are you doing? Trying to find a way around these security protocols.
Silence from the landscaping department, please.
I set this system up.
I was a top NSA cryptographer.
You can't just-- - And I'm in.
Eh.
Oh, well, they must have loosened up the security.
If that's what you need to tell yourself, Deputy Dog.
Yeah, so Fine, you hack.
I'll navigate.
Just click there.
Click--cli-- there.
It's just there.
Stop.
[Beeping.]
That's it.
But That is not good news.
What is it? Rheumatism acting up? No, look out.
Hello, Arthur.
How do we usually solve this stuff? Well, we--we goo it, we break it, or we outsmart it.
Wait a minute, that's your I've-got-a-plan look.
I love that look.
We're kind of trapped in an infinity band here, right? Duh.
What now? Okay, a lemniscate.
It's a term in algebraic geometry.
It's a figure-eight-shaped curve that never meets itself-- you know what, I'll explain it later.
Listen, if we both move-- well, if we run as fast as we can in opposite directions, we might be able to kind of snap ourselves out of it.
- Okay.
- All right.
- You ready? - Yes.
- Snap.
- Okay.
- On your marks - Yeah.
- Get set - Right.
- Go.
Pete, I think it's working! I really should get back into my cardio.
[Grunts.]
Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh.
And that is why we're partners.
The Christmas aisle should be right around this Ah, humbug.
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! This is my fault.
I told MacPherson I was in the Christmas aisle.
Of course he's gonna figure out the artifact came from there.
Well, he must not know which artifact it is.
If he took them all, we still have the advantage.
No, we don't.
He's got Artie and Claudia.
I just got a bad feeling about Yup.
He took 'em to the bronze sector.
The bronze sector? I'll tell you on the ride.
Ride? [Groans.]
Listen to me, what's your name? Sandra.
Let her go.
She knows nothing about all this.
Orders are orders.
You should know that, Weisfelt.
That's not how I ran this place.
Which is probably why you're about to be bronzed.
Listen, Professor Artie Thanks for saving me from the slice-and-dice back there.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry I can't help out now.
[Clears throat.]
Listen, according to the manual, this isn't supposed to be painful.
Yeah, I don't know.
Just take a deep breath.
Hey, goon squad.
Ray, look out.
[Buttons beep.]
Oh, I love this thing.
Good job.
Got to show me that move.
Mrs.
Frederic.
He bronzed-- Yeah, no time.
She'll keep.
We got to go.
Keep? In order to reverse the effects of the Stern brush, all Pete has to do is touch it again.
Well, what if MacPherson touches it first? No, it's linked to Pete now.
It's not going to affect anybody else, but if we don't find it, that would be bad.
I figured.
And James is going to try to make this reality permanent by destroying the brush.
And you know how, don't you? Yeah, there's only one way that he can be sure.
He is headed for the Lehmann Fornax.
You just make this stuff up, don't you? In 1939, Inge Lehmann discovered the earth had a super-heated core, and we've been using it to heat this warehouse since 1943.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
This place is heated by a giant furnace powered by the earth's core? You should see the air-conditioner.
He's up there.
See? So you just keep him talking.
What are you gonna do? Find a way to be awesome.
Hey, Jimmy! So it's four against one.
How do you want this to go down? What a wonderful choice of words.
[Locking mechanism clanks.]
He's locked us in.
Aagh! Still think I'm crazy? I'll let you know when I wake up.
I'm sure I can find a way to override this.
Okay, okay, James, I may have been wrong about the other reality.
Maybe you're not dead.
Maybe you're rich, you're famous.
Are you gonna tell me which one of these, Mr.
Lattimer, or shall I have to toss in the whole bag? No, no, you can't destroy that many artifacts at once.
You could kill us all.
That's a chance I'm willing to take.
I suppose I should thank you, Mr.
Lattimer.
Thank me for what? Your sudden appearance brought things to a head between myself and the Regents.
Arthur knows.
Don't you, Arthur? Arthur! The Lenape cloak.
You know you shouldn't play with artifacts, Arthur.
You know this is wrong.
I'm not the one who broke in.
Get out of my warehouse.
Your warehouse? Over my dead body.
Excellent idea.
Hang on.
I've almost got it.
Artie, Artie! The brush! Artie, look behind you! [Grunts.]
Don't make me do this.
Give me the brush, Arthur.
Claudia! Almost, almost.
There's not enough time.
Artie.
You know what you're doing? - Artie.
- Taking a leap of faith.
So am I.
No! Pete! [Gasps.]
[Yelling.]
[Shouts.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, no, you don't.
Ooh, ooh, ow.
Ah.
Thank you for saving Bucky.
[Laughs.]
[Sighs.]
[Exhales.]
[Laughs.]
[Dog barks.]
Hey, Trailer.
Ugh! [Laughs.]
Mm.
Oh, come on, Mrs.
F.
Please.
Absolutely not.
When you're older, then you can add schnapps.
Not before.
How much older do I have to be? It's Christmas.
Shoulda left with Steve.
You're here.
- You're still here.
- Yeah, we never left.
It's the worst blizzard in South Dakota history.
Nobody's getting out, not even It's that bad.
What about Artie? - He's here, right? - Hot! Oatmeal scotchies! The only person happy about it is smiley Magoo over here.
But he looks fantastic.
Yeah, I look like I should be parking cars.
Vanessa got snowed in too, so it's only my father and Hugo that are gonna be in Vegas.
[Laughs.]
I guess it truly is a season of miracles.
Myka.
Where's Myka? I'm right here! I just got a new flight.
Whoa, whoa, what-- - Mwah.
- What? What do you want? No, I am not trading jobs with you, okay? I am leaving tomorrow morning.
I know.
You're going to see your dad, because he is still alive! [Laughs.]
Yes! This is the best Christmas ever.
- Uh, Pete - And without me you would still be in crazy town.
Mwah.
Mwah.
Oh, and Artemis, Artemis, Artemis [Grunts.]
You would be in prison.
Not a great look for you.
Oh, and the lovely Leena.
Leena [Kissing sounds.]
You eventually do the right thing.
- I'm sorry? - Don't be.
How could you know? And you.
Mrs.
Frederic, Mrs.
F.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna hug you.
But I am what's keeping you from being bronzed.
Oh, Agent Lattimer, please.
Oh, okay.
[Dog whines.]
I kind of crossed the line there, didn't I? And we won't speak of it again.
- Pete.
- Yeah.
- What is going on? - Oh, nothing, nothing.
I just, um Are you all right? - 'Cause - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah, I'm just I'm so happy to be alive, you guys, and I just-- I really, really, really, really love you.
- Okay.
- Needy much? Down, boy.
Awkward.
You're being a sap.
[Overlapping statements.]
- It's time.
- Yeah? It's starting.
- Yes.
- I didn't miss it.
The Christmas Eve fight at the MGM Grand.
Bring it.
Yo, Adrian.
[Chatter.]
[Laughs.]
And now Frank Capra's classic It's a Wonderful Life.
Nooo! Just another holiday at Warehouse 13.
[Thud.]
[Electronic beeping.]