Weird Science s03e13 Episode Script
Quantum Wyatt
You make man? No-- woman.
MONSTER: Woman? [THEME MUSIC.]
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts, mending broken hearts and makin' weird science.
Something like a recipe, bits and pieces and bits and pieces.
Bits of my creation-- is it real? It's my creation.
Oh, my creation.
It's my creation.
No heart of gold, just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation, my creation.
It's my creation from my heart and from my hand.
Why don't people understand? It's alive-- alive! What do you mean, they don't sell "Baby Huey" here? "Baby Huey" bites.
No way.
He's hysterical.
I mean, he's got that big diaper.
It's for two-year-olds, Lis'.
Gary, could you hurry it up, please? The movie starts in 10 minutes.
Hold on.
Two more racks, that's all.
We'll save you a seat.
Whoa.
Scary guy.
"Creep Killer," ew.
Fittingly, he stands vigil over the premier issue of his own series.
Why is it under glass? Oh, sh-- it's only the alternate chromium di-cut cover version of the polybag special edition that included mini action poster, trading card.
And it had low distribution in some areas.
It's worth more than my spleen and my kidney.
"Tori," great name.
Short for Victoria? Lavatory.
I was born in one.
My mom couldn't make it to the hospital in time.
You're yankin' me.
M-- so what if I am? You don't like the program, change the channel.
I got a new favorite show.
So who do I talk to about a job? Oh, Mr.
Jolly.
He's the boss.
Job? Mm, to look at you, I'd say you've got comic books in the blood? I remember my first job-- selling curry door to door.
The curry man's here, the children all used to cry as they wheedled tuppence from Mum for a spicy treat.
[CHUCKLES.]
Welcome to the family.
So what's up after school today? I was thinking maybe we zap over to India and do a little cow tipping.
You guys go on without me.
I don't want to be late for my first day at work.
I want Tori to see how punctual I can be.
Check out mister no time for cow tipping.
Jealous? Maybe I am.
Gary's got a plan, a career.
He knows where he's going.
Get a grip.
He took an after-school job so he could score with Tank Girl.
[MAN CLEARING HIS THROAT.]
It's Principal Scampi.
Get lost.
Don't worry.
I've got a disguise.
See? Look at me.
I'm a teacher.
A daily affirmation we would all do well to remember, Miss, um-- Primavera Con Queso.
Latin, correct? Si.
Well, Miss Primavera Con Queso, I'll be counting on you to pick up the slack around here this week after I go under the knife for my corrective surgery.
Oh, going in for a little tummy tuck? [LAUGHS.]
A joke.
That revered Latin wit.
A tummy tuck, indeed.
Very good, Miss Primavera Con Queso.
Mr.
Donnelly.
Now, where were we? Ah, OK, you're right about why Gary took the job.
But it's still a start.
Me, I've got no idea what I'm doing after high school.
That's why they invented college-- so you can wank around for another four years.
Yeah, but what about after that? Grad school.
Wank, wank, wank.
And then? You think too much.
Meet me after school, and I'll come up with something.
[CHIMES SOUND.]
I've solved your problem.
"Career Sampler.
" Looks like a box of chocolates.
They're magic chocolates.
Each flavor has the power to send you into a different job.
You can sample careers until you find the one that's right for you.
Well, how do I know what kind is what? That's the fun part-- you don't.
Forget it.
Last time I wish I had a fun part, I ended up giving birth to a baby kangaroo.
[THUD.]
-Ah! [POP.]
[ELECTRICITY.]
[EKG MACHINE BEEPING.]
FEMALE WORKER: All right, steady.
[CHIMES SOUND.]
That stuff really works, doc.
I'm high as a Chinese kite and twice as festive.
Normally, I'd be pretty squirrelly about having my skull opened and my gray matter fondled.
[GASPS.]
(QUIETLY) I can't do it, Lis'.
I can't perform brain surgery on my principal.
Oh, relax.
The brain's a very resilient organ.
Don't touch that.
You'll cripple him.
They tell me you're the best brain surgeon a principal's salary can afford.
That's good, because that BB has been lodged up there for far too long.
I want out of here.
I'd like another chocolate, nurse.
After the operation, doctor.
I'll talk you through it.
Make a 1/2-inch incision along the anterior lobe-- the gray, gushy thing with the stuff around it.
Perfect.
Really? Hey, this isn't so bad.
What's that thing? Motor functions.
Poke it.
Oh, how did that get there? Try here.
[LAUGHS.]
I know, doc, I don't want to play backseat surgeon here.
[SQUISH.]
You know, doc, I don't want to play backseat surgeon here.
[SQUISH.]
You know, doc, I don't want to play backseat surgeon here.
Oh, get over yourself.
It's just a little fun.
[CAR LOCK BEEPS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
An alarm? Alarms, hidden video cameras.
Around here, the security is tighter than Dan Ackroyd's pants.
It helps the would-be thief resist the siren call of temptation.
And it keeps my insurance affordable.
Sure you don't miss any, Wallace.
Buzz off, Ratso.
Rico.
(ANGRY) My name's Rico.
Hey, Tori.
You know, I'm-- I'm working on a customized level for Doom.
Mm? Yeah, I've, uh, reconfigured all the cyber demons to look like the rogues' gallery of Batman's greatest foes.
Yeah.
You sh-- you want to see? I'd rather see my own intestines draped from a chandelier.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, right.
Right, OK.
So you know, let me know when you want me to-- to show you, and I'll-- [MUMBLING.]
People.
What's up, blondie? Not much.
A little organizing, a little pricing.
You know, the fun stuff.
Oh, I like fun stuff.
Want some help? With the books? For now.
We can work on that pesky virginity problem later.
Ooh.
What a rush.
I-- I was scared at first, until I realized that you were a walking encyclopedia of surgical knowledge.
Is that what you thought? No, no, you just did brain surgery on "ER" last night.
So you want another chocolate? I don't know, Lis'.
Career hopping is fun, but a little risky.
I mean, we're lucky nothing went wrong with Scampi's operation.
Come on.
It'll be fuuun.
Oh, what the hell? [ELECTRICITY.]
SHOW PRESENTER: And now, the headliner you've all been waiting for-- ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld.
[APPLAUSE.]
[WOOS.]
Wh-- [MIC FEEDBACK.]
What is the deal with that, um, ai-- airline food? It tastes pretty bad, huh? Tastes bad.
Uh, that-- that reminds me of the time that I took my cat on an airplane with me.
He peed.
[COUGHS.]
Oh, boy.
[ELECTRICITY.]
POLICEMAN (ON WALKIE TALKIE): You have 15 seconds to detonation.
Disconnect the secondary ignition cap trip wire from the primary solanoid fuse.
Oh, boy.
[ELECTRICITY.]
[CIRCUS MUSIC.]
Ha! [SCREAMING.]
[THUD.]
Oh, boy.
[ELECTRICITY.]
[THWACK.]
Huh? I'm sorry I had to do that, partner.
I've been trying to reach out and touch you, but you're not listening.
You gotta pull it together.
You've got Internal Affairs breathing down your neck.
Your ex-wife is suing you for the damn alimony.
And I'm screening calls from your AA sponsor.
So if I gotta knock a little more sense into you, buddy, well, then that's what I gotta do.
Oh, boy.
Hey, guys.
Oh, you hear that? Every syllable drips with guilt.
Huh? If you have something to tell me, you'd best say it now before it's too late.
Geez, I'm 90 seconds late.
Dock me already.
Blondie, give back the comic book.
Huh? You think I took it? Ah, the local constabulary.
Officers, here is your thief.
I wish him punished to the fullest extent of the law.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[GRUNTS.]
OK, punk, you got one chance to answer this.
Did you take the comic book? No.
That's what I was hoping you'd say.
Now, you gotta be real careful on these floors, kid.
We wax the hell out of them.
And they're slippery.
People have a habit of falling.
[CLEARING THROAT.]
Partner.
Uh, why don't I handle this one? What? That little whimpus folded like a tent.
We're gonna serve him up to the DA with an apple in his mouth.
Well, the, uh, thing is I sort of wanted to knock him around a little.
Sorry, kid.
You had your chance.
Now, my partner has to take over.
Ooh.
Remember, kid-- watch out for the floor.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GULPS.]
[ELECTRICITY.]
Man, I thought he'd never leave.
Lisa, this cop's gonna beat me up.
Turn him into a Dixie cup.
Gary, shut up.
It's me, Wyatt.
Huh? Wyatt's in that cop's body.
What the hell did you wish for? Long story.
So can you get me out of here? That may be tough.
Why? What proof could they possibly have? This.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
That tape's wrong.
I didn't steal anything.
For what it's worth, I believe you.
But that doesn't change the fact that they got you on tape.
It looks bad.
So what? I got a genie in my camp.
Lis', zap me out of this mess.
You got it.
[ELECTRICITY.]
What? What do you know, there's a moral restraint clause in my programming that prevents me from aiding and abetting accused felons.
I wonder who dropped that little Easter egg into your source code.
Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Relax.
I'm a cop, remember? Cool.
You can destroy the evidence and get me off.
Well, that's not what I was thinking.
Oh, right.
You're gonna plant the evidence and frame somebody else.
That's good, too.
Actually, I was counting on due process ensuring that justice prevails.
You are such a weenie.
What? Look, Ratso framed me.
I don't know how, but he did.
He's had it in for me for a while.
All you have to do is find out how.
We just got a lead on that chop shop.
Get your last shots in, and let's move.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
What about me? Duty calls.
Boy, give the guy a badge.
You know, uh, Scravinovich, I've been thinking about this comic book store robbery.
I don't think the kid did it.
Mm, hold that thought, pal.
Here's your cut, copper.
Whoa, much obliged, Stormy.
And hey, hey-- be careful out there tonight, ya hear? Mm.
Innocent, guilty, what's the diff? I thought you stopped caring about lowlife scum like that when your second wife left you.
Or was it when you started drinking? Argh, well, I mean, hypothetically-- Yeah? --if someone had a videotape of you committing a crime, what would you do? You're asking me, what would I do if some hypothetical person had a hypothetical videotape of me committing a hypothetical crime? Yeah.
You're wearing a wire! You son of a-- you helped me bury the body! You hear me, you bastard!? You helped me bury the body! You son of a-- [RIPS.]
Oh.
No wire.
I'm sorry about that, partner.
Hey, hey, do you want the last cruller? [POLICE SIREN.]
What are you in for? They say I stole a comic book.
How about you? -Littering.
-Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
--body parts.
Oh, don't worry.
I've learned my lesson.
Next time, I'm using a garbage bag.
You look like a 13-gallon.
Get me outta here!! Ah, quit your whining, you friggin' lowlife.
[RATTLES FENCE.]
[SNICKERING.]
Wyatt, when are you gonna get me out? I'm working on it.
What's taking so long? Hey, you're not the only thing in my life, OK? My partner's on the take.
I got Internal Affairs on my ass.
And I just found out my stepson's been arrested.
Hi Daddy.
Hello, Cyrus.
We'll talk later.
Just hang tight.
And don't fall asleep.
CYRUS (SINGING): Rock-a-by baby in the treetop-- [MUSIC PLAYING.]
You look pretty beat.
Any luck? No.
Nothing.
We know Gary's innocent, but they got him on tape.
It doesn't make any sense.
You'll figure it out.
You're a good cop.
Good cop? More like a bad lieutenant.
Hey, partner, check this out.
I made you a present.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's all your ex-wives rolled into one-- Trixie's eyes, Sylvia's hair, Sheila's big, fat mouth.
Can't forget that.
[CHUCKLES.]
What is this thing? It's the mug shot computer, you dummy.
You can make any face you want on that thing? Interesting.
What's more interesting is that all your ex-wives are felons.
Lis', I think I just figured it out.
Good news.
I'm about to close this case.
Hey, don't rush on my account.
Me and Cyrus are having a great ol' time.
Did I mention he wants to make a business suit out of my skin? That's it.
I'm getting you out of here.
Right after the party games? Have a little faith.
Ta-da.
A substitute Gary.
That's supposed to look like me? Well, we see balloons.
Everybody else sees an exact copy of you.
Lisa, you're brilliant.
I know.
Let's motor.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
What's the plan, big guy? Step one-- get rid of Ratso.
Hey, did you see? Kate Mulgrew just walked past the front door.
Captain Janeway? Yeah.
Oh, boy, do I have some serious continuity questions for her.
Hey, it's America's Most Wanted.
Tori, I swear, I'm innocent.
Oh, I hope so.
What kind of geek would steal a comic book when the register was full? What's going on? Oh, Officer Wyatt Towsky here is cracking the case.
We just need to get into Ratso's laptop.
We're screwed.
It's password-protected.
Any ideas? Breasts? Breasts? Spend 10 minutes with the guy.
[BEEPS.]
-It worked.
We're in.
As a dog returns to its own vomit, so returns the criminal to the scene of the crime.
This boy is innocent.
And I'm about to prove it.
Do you guys remember in "Jurassic Park" how the dinosaurs looked like they were stomping around the jungle? But-- but they weren't.
They were computer images merged with actual filmed scenes.
I see where you're going.
Fiendishly clever.
Good thinking.
Dammit.
Why am I always the one who needs everything explained? Ratso used his computer to set you up.
He merged two video images to create a new fake one.
Look.
On the right, a 3-D image of Gary.
On the left, we have the original footage of Ratso stealing the comic book.
Drag and drop the 3-D rendering-- instant frame job.
I did it for you, Tori.
I've always loved you.
You just thought I was a geek.
And then when Wallace came in and you liked him better.
And-- I just kinda lost my head.
Nice try, Ratso.
Nobody's buying it.
How can you be so callous? Oh, here, Rico.
Use my hankie.
Rico? Nobody ever calls me Rico.
It's all right, Rico.
I'm dropping the charges and giving you a raise so you don't have to steal anymore.
I'm sorry I failed you that.
I don't believe this.
I was going to be hauled off to juvi, but he gets a raise? There's no justice.
Yeah, look on the bright side.
You could still be stuck in that interrogation cell with my partner.
All right, kid.
I have had it with this silent crap.
I want some answers now.
[SMACKING.]
Still not talking? You know, kid, the thing about smoking-- it's a real dangerous habit.
[POPS.]
Oh, man.
Internal Affairs is gonna crawl up my butt over this one.
Gah.
You really saved me, Wy.
I owe ya.
[SNIFFS.]
You been drinking? It's the shirt.
So, Wyatt, you ready for another chocolate? Oh, no, thanks.
I've learned there are some things you can't find in a box of chocolates.
Doing a job right requires experience, training, and skill.
Oh, right.
For that, you need the magic gummy bears.
I'll take a chocolate.
They look good.
BOTH: Gary, no! [ELECTRICITY.]
MAN (ON PHONE): Hello? Hello? [GASPS.]
What's going on here? MAN (ON PHONE): I'm trying to talk to ya.
What are you wearing? Jeans and a shirt.
Why? MAN (ON PHONE): 'Cause I wanna rip your clothes off.
I'm such a dirty dog.
Get lost, pervert.
Wait a minute.
Chett?! [GASPS.]
[THEME MUSIC.]
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Fantasy and microchips, shooting from the hip, something different, we're making weird science.
Pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces and bits and pieces bits, bits-- my creation, is it real? It's my creation.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions?
MONSTER: Woman? [THEME MUSIC.]
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts, mending broken hearts and makin' weird science.
Something like a recipe, bits and pieces and bits and pieces.
Bits of my creation-- is it real? It's my creation.
Oh, my creation.
It's my creation.
No heart of gold, just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation, my creation.
It's my creation from my heart and from my hand.
Why don't people understand? It's alive-- alive! What do you mean, they don't sell "Baby Huey" here? "Baby Huey" bites.
No way.
He's hysterical.
I mean, he's got that big diaper.
It's for two-year-olds, Lis'.
Gary, could you hurry it up, please? The movie starts in 10 minutes.
Hold on.
Two more racks, that's all.
We'll save you a seat.
Whoa.
Scary guy.
"Creep Killer," ew.
Fittingly, he stands vigil over the premier issue of his own series.
Why is it under glass? Oh, sh-- it's only the alternate chromium di-cut cover version of the polybag special edition that included mini action poster, trading card.
And it had low distribution in some areas.
It's worth more than my spleen and my kidney.
"Tori," great name.
Short for Victoria? Lavatory.
I was born in one.
My mom couldn't make it to the hospital in time.
You're yankin' me.
M-- so what if I am? You don't like the program, change the channel.
I got a new favorite show.
So who do I talk to about a job? Oh, Mr.
Jolly.
He's the boss.
Job? Mm, to look at you, I'd say you've got comic books in the blood? I remember my first job-- selling curry door to door.
The curry man's here, the children all used to cry as they wheedled tuppence from Mum for a spicy treat.
[CHUCKLES.]
Welcome to the family.
So what's up after school today? I was thinking maybe we zap over to India and do a little cow tipping.
You guys go on without me.
I don't want to be late for my first day at work.
I want Tori to see how punctual I can be.
Check out mister no time for cow tipping.
Jealous? Maybe I am.
Gary's got a plan, a career.
He knows where he's going.
Get a grip.
He took an after-school job so he could score with Tank Girl.
[MAN CLEARING HIS THROAT.]
It's Principal Scampi.
Get lost.
Don't worry.
I've got a disguise.
See? Look at me.
I'm a teacher.
A daily affirmation we would all do well to remember, Miss, um-- Primavera Con Queso.
Latin, correct? Si.
Well, Miss Primavera Con Queso, I'll be counting on you to pick up the slack around here this week after I go under the knife for my corrective surgery.
Oh, going in for a little tummy tuck? [LAUGHS.]
A joke.
That revered Latin wit.
A tummy tuck, indeed.
Very good, Miss Primavera Con Queso.
Mr.
Donnelly.
Now, where were we? Ah, OK, you're right about why Gary took the job.
But it's still a start.
Me, I've got no idea what I'm doing after high school.
That's why they invented college-- so you can wank around for another four years.
Yeah, but what about after that? Grad school.
Wank, wank, wank.
And then? You think too much.
Meet me after school, and I'll come up with something.
[CHIMES SOUND.]
I've solved your problem.
"Career Sampler.
" Looks like a box of chocolates.
They're magic chocolates.
Each flavor has the power to send you into a different job.
You can sample careers until you find the one that's right for you.
Well, how do I know what kind is what? That's the fun part-- you don't.
Forget it.
Last time I wish I had a fun part, I ended up giving birth to a baby kangaroo.
[THUD.]
-Ah! [POP.]
[ELECTRICITY.]
[EKG MACHINE BEEPING.]
FEMALE WORKER: All right, steady.
[CHIMES SOUND.]
That stuff really works, doc.
I'm high as a Chinese kite and twice as festive.
Normally, I'd be pretty squirrelly about having my skull opened and my gray matter fondled.
[GASPS.]
(QUIETLY) I can't do it, Lis'.
I can't perform brain surgery on my principal.
Oh, relax.
The brain's a very resilient organ.
Don't touch that.
You'll cripple him.
They tell me you're the best brain surgeon a principal's salary can afford.
That's good, because that BB has been lodged up there for far too long.
I want out of here.
I'd like another chocolate, nurse.
After the operation, doctor.
I'll talk you through it.
Make a 1/2-inch incision along the anterior lobe-- the gray, gushy thing with the stuff around it.
Perfect.
Really? Hey, this isn't so bad.
What's that thing? Motor functions.
Poke it.
Oh, how did that get there? Try here.
[LAUGHS.]
I know, doc, I don't want to play backseat surgeon here.
[SQUISH.]
You know, doc, I don't want to play backseat surgeon here.
[SQUISH.]
You know, doc, I don't want to play backseat surgeon here.
Oh, get over yourself.
It's just a little fun.
[CAR LOCK BEEPS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
An alarm? Alarms, hidden video cameras.
Around here, the security is tighter than Dan Ackroyd's pants.
It helps the would-be thief resist the siren call of temptation.
And it keeps my insurance affordable.
Sure you don't miss any, Wallace.
Buzz off, Ratso.
Rico.
(ANGRY) My name's Rico.
Hey, Tori.
You know, I'm-- I'm working on a customized level for Doom.
Mm? Yeah, I've, uh, reconfigured all the cyber demons to look like the rogues' gallery of Batman's greatest foes.
Yeah.
You sh-- you want to see? I'd rather see my own intestines draped from a chandelier.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, right.
Right, OK.
So you know, let me know when you want me to-- to show you, and I'll-- [MUMBLING.]
People.
What's up, blondie? Not much.
A little organizing, a little pricing.
You know, the fun stuff.
Oh, I like fun stuff.
Want some help? With the books? For now.
We can work on that pesky virginity problem later.
Ooh.
What a rush.
I-- I was scared at first, until I realized that you were a walking encyclopedia of surgical knowledge.
Is that what you thought? No, no, you just did brain surgery on "ER" last night.
So you want another chocolate? I don't know, Lis'.
Career hopping is fun, but a little risky.
I mean, we're lucky nothing went wrong with Scampi's operation.
Come on.
It'll be fuuun.
Oh, what the hell? [ELECTRICITY.]
SHOW PRESENTER: And now, the headliner you've all been waiting for-- ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld.
[APPLAUSE.]
[WOOS.]
Wh-- [MIC FEEDBACK.]
What is the deal with that, um, ai-- airline food? It tastes pretty bad, huh? Tastes bad.
Uh, that-- that reminds me of the time that I took my cat on an airplane with me.
He peed.
[COUGHS.]
Oh, boy.
[ELECTRICITY.]
POLICEMAN (ON WALKIE TALKIE): You have 15 seconds to detonation.
Disconnect the secondary ignition cap trip wire from the primary solanoid fuse.
Oh, boy.
[ELECTRICITY.]
[CIRCUS MUSIC.]
Ha! [SCREAMING.]
[THUD.]
Oh, boy.
[ELECTRICITY.]
[THWACK.]
Huh? I'm sorry I had to do that, partner.
I've been trying to reach out and touch you, but you're not listening.
You gotta pull it together.
You've got Internal Affairs breathing down your neck.
Your ex-wife is suing you for the damn alimony.
And I'm screening calls from your AA sponsor.
So if I gotta knock a little more sense into you, buddy, well, then that's what I gotta do.
Oh, boy.
Hey, guys.
Oh, you hear that? Every syllable drips with guilt.
Huh? If you have something to tell me, you'd best say it now before it's too late.
Geez, I'm 90 seconds late.
Dock me already.
Blondie, give back the comic book.
Huh? You think I took it? Ah, the local constabulary.
Officers, here is your thief.
I wish him punished to the fullest extent of the law.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[GRUNTS.]
OK, punk, you got one chance to answer this.
Did you take the comic book? No.
That's what I was hoping you'd say.
Now, you gotta be real careful on these floors, kid.
We wax the hell out of them.
And they're slippery.
People have a habit of falling.
[CLEARING THROAT.]
Partner.
Uh, why don't I handle this one? What? That little whimpus folded like a tent.
We're gonna serve him up to the DA with an apple in his mouth.
Well, the, uh, thing is I sort of wanted to knock him around a little.
Sorry, kid.
You had your chance.
Now, my partner has to take over.
Ooh.
Remember, kid-- watch out for the floor.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GULPS.]
[ELECTRICITY.]
Man, I thought he'd never leave.
Lisa, this cop's gonna beat me up.
Turn him into a Dixie cup.
Gary, shut up.
It's me, Wyatt.
Huh? Wyatt's in that cop's body.
What the hell did you wish for? Long story.
So can you get me out of here? That may be tough.
Why? What proof could they possibly have? This.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
That tape's wrong.
I didn't steal anything.
For what it's worth, I believe you.
But that doesn't change the fact that they got you on tape.
It looks bad.
So what? I got a genie in my camp.
Lis', zap me out of this mess.
You got it.
[ELECTRICITY.]
What? What do you know, there's a moral restraint clause in my programming that prevents me from aiding and abetting accused felons.
I wonder who dropped that little Easter egg into your source code.
Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Relax.
I'm a cop, remember? Cool.
You can destroy the evidence and get me off.
Well, that's not what I was thinking.
Oh, right.
You're gonna plant the evidence and frame somebody else.
That's good, too.
Actually, I was counting on due process ensuring that justice prevails.
You are such a weenie.
What? Look, Ratso framed me.
I don't know how, but he did.
He's had it in for me for a while.
All you have to do is find out how.
We just got a lead on that chop shop.
Get your last shots in, and let's move.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
What about me? Duty calls.
Boy, give the guy a badge.
You know, uh, Scravinovich, I've been thinking about this comic book store robbery.
I don't think the kid did it.
Mm, hold that thought, pal.
Here's your cut, copper.
Whoa, much obliged, Stormy.
And hey, hey-- be careful out there tonight, ya hear? Mm.
Innocent, guilty, what's the diff? I thought you stopped caring about lowlife scum like that when your second wife left you.
Or was it when you started drinking? Argh, well, I mean, hypothetically-- Yeah? --if someone had a videotape of you committing a crime, what would you do? You're asking me, what would I do if some hypothetical person had a hypothetical videotape of me committing a hypothetical crime? Yeah.
You're wearing a wire! You son of a-- you helped me bury the body! You hear me, you bastard!? You helped me bury the body! You son of a-- [RIPS.]
Oh.
No wire.
I'm sorry about that, partner.
Hey, hey, do you want the last cruller? [POLICE SIREN.]
What are you in for? They say I stole a comic book.
How about you? -Littering.
-Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
--body parts.
Oh, don't worry.
I've learned my lesson.
Next time, I'm using a garbage bag.
You look like a 13-gallon.
Get me outta here!! Ah, quit your whining, you friggin' lowlife.
[RATTLES FENCE.]
[SNICKERING.]
Wyatt, when are you gonna get me out? I'm working on it.
What's taking so long? Hey, you're not the only thing in my life, OK? My partner's on the take.
I got Internal Affairs on my ass.
And I just found out my stepson's been arrested.
Hi Daddy.
Hello, Cyrus.
We'll talk later.
Just hang tight.
And don't fall asleep.
CYRUS (SINGING): Rock-a-by baby in the treetop-- [MUSIC PLAYING.]
You look pretty beat.
Any luck? No.
Nothing.
We know Gary's innocent, but they got him on tape.
It doesn't make any sense.
You'll figure it out.
You're a good cop.
Good cop? More like a bad lieutenant.
Hey, partner, check this out.
I made you a present.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's all your ex-wives rolled into one-- Trixie's eyes, Sylvia's hair, Sheila's big, fat mouth.
Can't forget that.
[CHUCKLES.]
What is this thing? It's the mug shot computer, you dummy.
You can make any face you want on that thing? Interesting.
What's more interesting is that all your ex-wives are felons.
Lis', I think I just figured it out.
Good news.
I'm about to close this case.
Hey, don't rush on my account.
Me and Cyrus are having a great ol' time.
Did I mention he wants to make a business suit out of my skin? That's it.
I'm getting you out of here.
Right after the party games? Have a little faith.
Ta-da.
A substitute Gary.
That's supposed to look like me? Well, we see balloons.
Everybody else sees an exact copy of you.
Lisa, you're brilliant.
I know.
Let's motor.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
What's the plan, big guy? Step one-- get rid of Ratso.
Hey, did you see? Kate Mulgrew just walked past the front door.
Captain Janeway? Yeah.
Oh, boy, do I have some serious continuity questions for her.
Hey, it's America's Most Wanted.
Tori, I swear, I'm innocent.
Oh, I hope so.
What kind of geek would steal a comic book when the register was full? What's going on? Oh, Officer Wyatt Towsky here is cracking the case.
We just need to get into Ratso's laptop.
We're screwed.
It's password-protected.
Any ideas? Breasts? Breasts? Spend 10 minutes with the guy.
[BEEPS.]
-It worked.
We're in.
As a dog returns to its own vomit, so returns the criminal to the scene of the crime.
This boy is innocent.
And I'm about to prove it.
Do you guys remember in "Jurassic Park" how the dinosaurs looked like they were stomping around the jungle? But-- but they weren't.
They were computer images merged with actual filmed scenes.
I see where you're going.
Fiendishly clever.
Good thinking.
Dammit.
Why am I always the one who needs everything explained? Ratso used his computer to set you up.
He merged two video images to create a new fake one.
Look.
On the right, a 3-D image of Gary.
On the left, we have the original footage of Ratso stealing the comic book.
Drag and drop the 3-D rendering-- instant frame job.
I did it for you, Tori.
I've always loved you.
You just thought I was a geek.
And then when Wallace came in and you liked him better.
And-- I just kinda lost my head.
Nice try, Ratso.
Nobody's buying it.
How can you be so callous? Oh, here, Rico.
Use my hankie.
Rico? Nobody ever calls me Rico.
It's all right, Rico.
I'm dropping the charges and giving you a raise so you don't have to steal anymore.
I'm sorry I failed you that.
I don't believe this.
I was going to be hauled off to juvi, but he gets a raise? There's no justice.
Yeah, look on the bright side.
You could still be stuck in that interrogation cell with my partner.
All right, kid.
I have had it with this silent crap.
I want some answers now.
[SMACKING.]
Still not talking? You know, kid, the thing about smoking-- it's a real dangerous habit.
[POPS.]
Oh, man.
Internal Affairs is gonna crawl up my butt over this one.
Gah.
You really saved me, Wy.
I owe ya.
[SNIFFS.]
You been drinking? It's the shirt.
So, Wyatt, you ready for another chocolate? Oh, no, thanks.
I've learned there are some things you can't find in a box of chocolates.
Doing a job right requires experience, training, and skill.
Oh, right.
For that, you need the magic gummy bears.
I'll take a chocolate.
They look good.
BOTH: Gary, no! [ELECTRICITY.]
MAN (ON PHONE): Hello? Hello? [GASPS.]
What's going on here? MAN (ON PHONE): I'm trying to talk to ya.
What are you wearing? Jeans and a shirt.
Why? MAN (ON PHONE): 'Cause I wanna rip your clothes off.
I'm such a dirty dog.
Get lost, pervert.
Wait a minute.
Chett?! [GASPS.]
[THEME MUSIC.]
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Fantasy and microchips, shooting from the hip, something different, we're making weird science.
Pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces and bits and pieces bits, bits-- my creation, is it real? It's my creation.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions?