American Dad s03e14 Episode Script

# Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day # #The sun in the sky has a smile on his face # #And he's shining a salute to the American race ## Roger, have you seen- Hang on.
This look like a puppy nose or part of a teacup? Oh, part of the eye.
What a roller coaster! - Look at this! - Oh, my God! Check out those calves.
You know what that is? That's taking the stairs instead of the elevator.
- How did this happen? - I have no idea.
I leave the house in disguise.
But six Rob Roys later things happen that I can't be responsible for.
Like buying this puzzle.
Why the hell did I buy this puzzle? I hate puppies! Get out of that teacup! That cup is for tea! Roger, you have to be more careful.
Do you know what the C.
I.
A.
Would do to me if they found out I was harboring an alien? Oh, my God.
Give him a daytime Emmy.
So dramatic.
Look, I'm sure it was just a fluke.
SomeJohnny Shutterbug got lucky.
Relax.
It'll never happen again.
I have more pictures of the alien to sell! These are incredible! The newspaper could really use these.
- What do I owe you? - You got any of those Sacagawea dollars? When I walk past the homeless, I want my pants to jingle like a big shot.
Damn it! We've been hunting aliens for years with no results.
And now there's one right under our noses.
Sir, it's- it's obviously a hoax.
It's not a hoax.
It's bloody embarrassing is what it is.
Not quite " soiling yourself at P.
F.
Chang's" embarrassing but still.
I told you that in confidence.
Relax.
No one knows it's you.
Anyway, our Alien Task Force clearly needs some rejiggering.
Ray, you're no longer in charge.
- Of what? - The Alien Task Force.
- What the hell's that? - The task force you've been in charge of.
Oh.
How did I do? - Now, I need a new team leader.
- Sir, I'm your man.
I will not rest until the alien and all his accomplices are brought to jus- - He told me he hates you! - What? - Jackson, is this true? - Yes.
Get out of my sight! Smith, how do you feel about me? - You're okay, I guess.
- Good.
Then you're the man for this job.
Ah! Don't worry, Lady Peckinpah.
I'd sell a thousand naked pictures to the paper to keep you in luxury.
Who's pretty? Who's a pretty princess? That's right, I am.
Damn it, Roger! Look at this! Someone must be following you.
Some people are leaders, some are followers.
I guess I'm a leader.
Did you read The Tipping Point? I didn't.
Perhaps it applies.
Roger, if you get caught, they'll trace it back to me and kill me! That's what they do to people who hide aliens in their attic.
Shh! You want the whole neighborhood to hear you? - Hmm.
Your lips are really, really puffy.
- Now, you listen to me! Hey, hey, check that 'tude at the door.
You are not the boss of me.
Well, I am the boss of this house.
Until this thing blows over, you are not to leave this attic.
No one can take any more pictures of you.
Okay, you got it.
No one's gonna get any more candid pics, I promise.
I said no more candid pics.
I love semantics.
Wordplay.
Who am I talking to? Then we affix the wire to the nail.
And- It works! We finally harnessed the awesome power of the potato! Actually, the potato has no power.
It's just a buffer between the copper and the zinc ions.
But it's cute that you thought that.
I think you're cute with your face and body.
Hayley, I did my part to save water.
I showered with the salad plates.
Mom, this is my lab partner Katie.
Um, Steve, could I speak to you for a second? I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that girl is gonna have to leave.
I'm just not comfortable having their kind in my house.
- Mom! - Did you just say what I thought you said? I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, see you at school, Steve.
- Oh, my God! - That was terrible.
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, terrible.
Got some more pics for your crappy gossip rag.
- C.
I.
A! Alien Task Force! - We got him! Smith, we've made a break in the alien case.
What? But I'm in charge of that! Why don't I know about this? Well, we got a tip.
We couldn't find you, so we went with it.
Did you look for me? Did you even look? I was probably in the rest-Wait.
I know what happened.
It was bad times so I went to the can on the third floor.
The point is, we got him.
Oh, my God! This is the photographer who has been taking all the alien pictures.
Mr.
Parker Peters.
I'm a bit of a germaphobe, so you'll pardon me if I don't kiss you on the lips.
- You? You took all those pictures? - He sure did.
And since he somehow managed to get closer to the alien than anyone we've put him in charge of the case.
He's going to catch this alien and bring him in.
- But, sir- - You'll be answering to Peters now.
- Give him anything he needs.
- Yes, I'm the boss of you.
- What's your name? - Stan.
Hmm.
I already know a Stan.
I'm gonna call you Mortimer.
Now, run and fix me a coffee.
Today, MortimerJames! I add the middle name when I'm disappointed in him.
Hey, Stan, wanna carpool to work? Name's Agent Parker Peters.
My sister Samantha was abducted by aliens when I was 12.
Now I chase little green men.
Isn't that Mulder's backstory from The X Files? Is it? Mmm, no.
No.
I'm pretty sure I came up with it first.
When was The X Files? Was it before a few seconds ago? Roger, you're not going to work at the C.
I.
A! We've been over this, Staniel.
They hired me.
I have to show up, or it'll look suspicious.
I'll go to work for a week, say I came up empty, and quit.
No big whoop.
If you'd listened to me in the first place, none of this would be happening.
And I wouldn't have Lady Peckinpah.
I'll be in your car wishing you had a better car.
Isn't it great I got my own office? You don't even have your own office, and you've worked at the C.
I.
A.
How many years now? Sixty? - Give me that! Are you crazy? - Ow! You're gripping! You have to take this seriously.
Both of our asses are Equally nice.
- We both have nice butts.
- Make that three of us.
I just stopped by to see how our new alien hunter's settling in.
Unsettling is the word I'd use, sir.
Unsettling knowing that the alien is out there somewhere out in that wide, wide world.
What's your game, spaceman? Well, I'll let you get to it.
Oh, we're sending Dick on a doughnut run.
Are you a jelly or a fritter man? Oh, I don't have any cash on me.
Cash? You have a vast, almost unending expense account.
The C.
I.
A.
Will pay for anything you need to track the alien.
Anything, you say? You know, I think I do have leads in Aruba, Jamaica- Key Largo, Montego- Oh, oh.
And a place called Kokomo.
Great! Book a flight.
Get there fast, and then take it slow.
Just let Smith know, and he'll write up the expense report.
Set this jar of jellybeans on my desk.
I hear it'll make me a more approachable boss.
If you ever eat one, so help me, I'll destroy you.
Mom, I'm home.
And I brought over some friends from school.
- Black ones, to be specific.
- That's right, Mom! Some of my best friends are black.
- Who is this girl again? - I don't know.
She said we could use her pool.
Oh, perfect timing.
I just made cookies.
They're in the kitchen.
Wait.
I thought you hated black people.
What? No! How awful! But what about my lab partner? You kicked her out! Of course I did! She's left-handed.
Lefties are the devil's minions and you are never to bring another one into this house! Can we use this alligator? - Uh, sure.
- She said okay! Alligator! This is my first time in Jamaica and I gotta say, ladies, this country is awful.
It's work.
I gotta take this.
I am a businessman.
Whoever comes back with the yummiest drink gets to watch me drink it.
Second prize, a shot to the chops.
That's called incentive.
Double " P" here.
What do you got? What I've got is a receipt for a $2,000 yacht party! Oh, that's nothing.
I actually crashed the yacht into an offshore rig.
Whole thing went up in flames.
Super dramatic.
You'll be getting the bill for that too.
Do not tip.
I took care of the tip.
Roger, it's time for you to get your ass home and quit like we talked about.
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
I got a new plan now- to milk this expense account thing for as long as I can.
Hold on.
Just spotted the alien in a cabana.
Or is it " cabanya"? The kid who brought me my towel said " cabanya" but I don't even think he's from here.
Well, if he is, he's not from money.
Whoo! I can party forever! I'm gettin' old.
Can't bounce back like I used to.
Those Montego bitches are crazy.
Bullock has something to tell you! He's gonna tell you that- - No, no, no.
No, no.
You-You tell him.
- Tell me what? What I already know? That the alien is still out there mocking me, taunting me? Show yourself, unholy creature! Why'd you let this happen, Morty? You saw it spinning.
You saw me reach for it, and you just stood there.
Why'd you just stand there? Peters, Agent Smith has brought some troubling receipts to my attention.
$600 on ouzo at the Pink Palace.
$1,200 dogsledding across Reykjavik.
All necessary.
Besides each time I track him, I get a little closer.
Apparently, he thought hanging with penguins would be a blast.
Did you know the dudes sit on the eggs? No, thank you.
We're paying you to catch him, not just document him.
How is it that you keep getting so close without seizing him? The thing is the alien, he- he can- Coffee stirrer.
Hot cup.
Cup, cup, cup.
Glass- Glass! George Glass! That's Jan Brady's fake boyfriend.
Oh.
Why- Why haven't I caught the alien? Um- Oh, I know.
The alien has the ability to go into any human body.
One minute, he's in front of you.
The next, poof! He pops into the nearest human, and he's lost.
- That is ridiculous! - Peters, I'm afraid if you don't bring in some actual physical evidence I'm going to have to shut you down like Kobe shut down the Timberwolves last night.
- Nobody watches sports? - Oh, I love sports.
I'm always kicking or jumping or flapping.
Physical evidence.
I'll give them physical evidence.
Come on! Oh.
Protoplasm.
That could work too.
Yellow and blue make green.
That's how I know it's closed.
It's ringing.
- Hello? - Mah-Mah, it's Steve and Hayley.
Oh! It's so nice of my grandchildren to call.
We just wanna ask you, why does Mom hate left-handed people? Oh, that.
- That's because of the orphanage.
- Orphanage? We didn't adopt Francine until she was seven.
We found her when she was five, but she was too expensive.
But we visit her while we wait for market to fall.
Okay, sweetie.
Time to work on your penmanship.
No! Evil- writing with your left hand! Lefties are the devil's minions! She usually beat her with a side of beef, but this was a Friday.
That's terrible! By the time we adopt her, she was convinced that left-handedness was evil.
Of course! Mom's left-handed hatred was learned which means we can help her unlearn it.
Hey! What wrong with you? I still here! Now tell me about your day.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mah-Mah.
Well, this morning I went- Mah-Mah always hang up first.
As soon as Agent Peters shows up, we can start.
- I wouldn't wait, sir.
He was- - Gentlemen I have something to show you.
Well, I should hope so.
Everybody does.
It's show-and-tell day! But you'll have to wait your turn.
Sanders is first.
This was my grandfather's.
He was in the war.
He was very brave.
- Mmm.
- Great.
Thanks.
My turn.
In my hand, I hold proof of alien life.
Agent Peters, I'm sure you're mistaken.
No alien would be stupid enough to leave behind hard evidence of its existence, right? No, no.
This alien is.
I was at Taco King when I saw him by the salsa bar.
I acquired this sample before the bastard got away.
I strongly suspect he may now be on any island butJamaica.
- That place is awful.
- There's gunk that looks just like that - all over the bathroom stall.
- We need to get a sample from that bathroom stat.
If it matches the alien substance that Peters turned in that means the alien is in the building.
We'll lock this place down and test everyone.
As soon as show-and-tell is done.
Dick, I believe you're up.
I don't have anything for show-and-tell.
I just found out I have liver cancer.
I'm giving you a zero for the day.
Oh! It's everywhere! How could you just leave this stuff here? Bloody Mary.
Bloody Mary.
- Bloody Mary.
- Roger! - She's right behind me! - What is going on here? Caught him, sir! The alien jumped into Stan Smith.
I followed him and caught him red-handed trying to destroy this evidence.
- Seize him! - What? That's absurd! He's lying! You've got to believe me.
I'm gonna hit the urinal.
Maybe you can use the one next to me.
So, the alien's inside of Smith.
- I suggest we all go in that room and- - No! He's dangerous.
He could jump into any one of you.
I have to go in alone.
If I don't make it out of there, tell my wife I love her.
And Keira Knightley.
Tell Keira Knightley I love her.
And Orlando Bloom.
You know what? The whole cast.
The whole damn dirty pirate cast.
But not Geoffrey Rush.
But do it in front of Geoffrey Rush.
I know you're in there, spaceman! - What's your mission? Talk to me! - I'll kill you! Clearly, we're gonna have to do this the hard way.
That Agent Peters is one tough S.
O.
B especially for a photographer we just plucked off the street.
Much better than that stuck-up Anne Geddes.
Although, Anne did take that great staff photo.
That she did.
That she did.
I told you to listen to me! And now we're screwed! Relax.
I'll just go fetch a lizard tell Bullock that the alien jumped out of you and into it and you'll walk out that door scot-free.
That, uh, actually makes sense.
Now, I'm gonna have to rough you up a little, make it seem like I tried to get some info from you.
Hmm.
Not bad.
Perfect.
He's close.
I gotta take a walk to the pet store clear my head, and then I'll go back in and crack that mother.
Uh, no need, Peters.
We're performing the autopsy now.
Agent Smith will die a horrible, painful death.
But it's worth it to finally nail this bastard.
You've served your country well.
Uh- Okay.
It's been fun.
Guess I'll just go then.
Now, we'll crack the rib cage and remove each and every organ until we find the alien.
- You're gonna die.
- What? You're right! I screwed up.
They're gonna cut you open.
Roger, calm down.
It's not too late to fix things.
But you need to listen to me.
Can you do that? Whatever you say, Stan.
I'll do whatever you say.
Take off your clothes.
Do it! Très jolie, Coco.
Très jolie.
Now take your thumb and put it in your mouth like a little schoolgirl.
Damn it! We don't have time for that! Take 'em off already! - Fine! God! Why do you hate movies? - Good.
- Now walk out that door.
- What? I'm an alien, Stan, for reals! They'll kill me! Roger, I promise you'll get away.
Listen to me for once and do it.
I'll do it, Stan.
There's your alien, men! I pooped him out! What? You said I'd get away! You sold me out! I trusted you! I don't know what he's talking about.
He'll say anything to save his life.
We'd better cut him up immediately.
No! Kill him instead! He's been harboring me! I've been living in his- Large intestine.
It was terrible.
- I thought kidney stones were bad.
- Nice work, Smith.
I assume you'll want some days off to nurse your devastated bunghole.
Mom, we know why you hate left-handed people.
- We've been to the orphanage.
- Orphanage? What's that? There was no orphanage.
Who wants me to make them some laundry? Mom, you were born left-handed.
Don't speak to me that way! I'm your mother! We have proof.
Recognize this? It's the type of mackerel the nuns used to beat the lies into you.
- You're a lefty! - No! Yes.
Yes, it's true! Oh! What you children must think of me.
I'll tell you what we think of you.
You're a strong, vibrant lady with two big, equally beautiful hands.
We love you no matter what.
Oh, Hayley.
I'm so sorry I slapped you.
I'm not.
Know why? 'Cause you did it with your left hand.
And it felt so right.
It's time I accept the truth and stop hiding.
No.
Use the left.
I'm a lefty! I just feel so violated by the fact that thing was inside me.
- It would mean a lot to me if I could have the first cut.
- All yours, Smith.
No! Don't put that mask on me! I'm not ready to die! Not before Shatner! I'm doing what has to be done.
Huh.
He reversed the gas.
Son of a bitch Superman Two'd me.
" I told you to listen to me.
" He did.
He totally did.
Francine called.
Lady Peckinpah is dead.
" Ah.
So when we came to, Bullock reasoned that the alien must've emitted a noxious gas and escaped.
We're out of orange juice.
I'll put it on the list.
Okay, wish me luck.
Playgirl's looking for studs.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go down there and splay it loud and proud.
Roger, I don't think more naked pictures is such a good idea.
But-But I already ordered the prosthetic.
And once you strap it on, they won't take it back! You know what? You're right.
I guess I should listen to you every now and then.
Here, Steve.
Let Mommy butter that toast for you.
Thanks, Mom- # The kid is hot tonight # # Whoa So hot tonight # # But where will he be tomorrow # # The kid is hot tonight # # Whoa So hot tonight # # But where will he be # # Where will he be ##