Batman (1966) s03e14 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
Noon in Gotham City.
While millions of workers hurry to their midday meal at a posh private luncheon, the city's by the town's top couturier, Rudi Gernreich.
And finally, number 10 is Mrs.
Blanche Turer who popularized the mini-muumuu for evening wear.
As an extra added fillip, ladies, I have created a new designation.
For the best-dressed crime-fightress in Gotham City the first annual Batty is hereby presented to Batgirl.
To accept the award for Batgirl are Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara.
On behalf of Batgirl, Mayor Linseed, Chief O'Hara the entire Gotham City Police Force and myself, thank you, Mr.
Gernreich.
This award just goes to prove that there is room for style even in crime-fighting.
- Ridiculous.
- It's Catwoman.
I said, ridiculous.
Nonsense.
Foolish prattle.
How can Batgirl be the best anything when Catwoman is around? No best-dressed list is complete without the addition of the queen of criminals the Princess of Plunder, yours untruly.
Right, Manx and Angora? Right.
In any comparison between Batgirl and myself she runs a poor third.
Just a minute, Catwoman.
You can't come here and disrupt a luncheon like this.
Or my awards.
Ah, but I can, gentlemen.
And I have.
You ladies with your fancy hairdos, what do you know about beauty? After you suffer the effects of my hair-raising bomb you will never be able to raise your heads in public again.
Then we'll see who's the fairest of them all.
No, not our hair.
Anything but that.
I read your mind, commissioner.
- To the Batphone.
-Right.
NARRATOR".
In a fashionable midtown men's shop Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson scan the new styles.
Gosh, Bruce, my first tux shirt for the first school prom.
- I don't know how to tie a bow tie.
-I wouldn't be too concerned about that.
Alfred and I will give you the benefit of our vast years of experience.
How do you like this one here? it's-- Commissioner Gordon's trying to get to us on the Batphone.
- We'd better get home.
-No, there's no time for that.
We'll change into our spare Batoutfits in the limousine and leg it to police headquarters.
-Leg it? How about a taxi? Arriving at Commissioner Gordon's office in a taxi might be deemed a trifle ostentatious.
But that's three miles from here.
A sound mind in a sound body.
Thank you, citizen.
Batrun.
Ruined their hair forever? Catwoman really knows a woman's weak spot.
Her last words were something about her intending to become the best-dressed woman in Gotham City.
A noble ambition.
The problem is, how do we catch her before she creates further havoc? Just as you'd set a thief to catch a thief you might be able to capture Catwoman by using Batgirl as the bait.
Never.
Oh, I'm sorry to be so abrupt, Miss Gordon.
But I wouldn't dream of endangering that fair lady's head.
No, you'd better leave the crime-fighting to the men.
Commissioner, Chief O'Hara, we'll let you know if we get any clues.
Let's go, Robin.
NARRATOR".
And in an abandoned loft in the heart of Gotham City's garment center Catwoman is fashioning her criminal conspiracy while her admiring henchmen, Angora and Manx, look on.
I'm pleased to say everything is going exactly as scheduled.
Batgirl is the perfect mouse for my Cat-trap.
- Well, you have to catch her first.
-Oh, we'll catch her, all right.
And as soon as the Troublesome Trio is eliminated we can steal the Golden Fleece.
The Golden what? The Golden Fleece.
It is the single most valuable piece of clothing in creation.
A million dollars' worth of 24-karat gold cloth.
All woven into one gorgeous garment, belonging to Queen Bess of Belgravia.
I managed to purloin this picture of it today at the couturier's luncheon heh, heh, when no one was looking.
I glow at the thought of that garment.
Well, how much can we get for it on the open market? There is no open market for it.
Then what good is it? We sell it back to Queen Bess.
It's a national Belgravian treasure.
Her country will pay anything for it.
She's due to arrive here today for a series of private audiences in Gotham City.
If she returns to Belgravia without it, her people will be up in arms.
In other words we are in the catbird seat.
Manx take a telegram.
"The annual fashion show, also run by Rudi Gernreich in the showroom of Fashionation Magazine.
And I'm gonna get away with it.
" Signed, "Catwoman.
" That's the message, Batman.
What an enormous ego she has, telling us her plan.
What do we do, Batman? Let us handle it, commissioner.
And if you should hear from Batgirl, don't-- Repeat, don't tell her about this turn of events here.
Your daughter, Barbara, may have been correct when she said this might be a trap for Batgirl.
Right.
I won't tell Batgirl a thing.
Won't tell Batgirl what, Daddy? Hmm, well I guess I can tell you.
After all, you're not Batgirl.
NARRATOR".
Having learned of Catwoman's plan from Commissioner Gordon Barbara Gordon dons her guise as Batgirl best-dressed crime-fightress in America.
While Batgirl hurries to her fateful appointment Batman approaches from another direction.
In the showroom of Fashionation Magazine Rudi Gernreich again regales the assemblage with his droll comments.
For the rest of this year at least, the fashionable woman will be wearing less than ever before.
There is a continuing trend towards mini-dresses mini-gloves and even mini-shoes.
Mini-haha.
If you'll all remain calm, no one will get hurt.
Just why are you doing this? These are all one-of-a-kind clothes, Rudi.
I intend to add them to my wardrobe.
Let no one say that Catwoman is not the best-dressed woman in the world.
There are no fashion shows where you're going.
And how could a feline feloness like you also be a fashion model? Ah, ah.
Credit where credit is due, Robin.
She may be evil but she is attractive.
You'll know more about that in a couple of years.
Now, are you coming quietly, Catwoman, or must we use force? Your silver-tongued oratorio has convinced me, Batman.
I hereby remit myself to your muscular custody.
Don't try to pull the wool over our eye slits.
Tsk.
Now, would I do a thing like that? You cats slip back to the hideout.
There's only one ingredient missing in this stew: Batgirl.
Look again, Catwoman.
How did you find out about this? I specifically asked Commissioner Gordon not to involve you.
We can fight our own battles.
Catwoman's going into the models' dressing room.
- Aah! - Shh! Clam up.
If the Dynamic Drips react the way I expect them to react they will not step into this most hallowed and forbidden no-man's land.
But Batgirl will.
What are we going to do? We can't step into that hallowed and forbidden no-man's land without closing our eyes.
And if we close our eyes, we can't see anything.
Uh, a sound observation, Robin.
You can't go in there, but I can.
And with my eyes wide-open.
Come out, come out, wherever you are, Catwoman.
Right here.
She's been in there over a minute.
- I hope nothing's gone wrong.
-We can't wait any longer.
Cover your eyes.
Now, let's go in.
Close the door, Robin.
There are other eyes.
Batgirl, are you in here? - Catwoman kidnapped her, Batman.
-Holy Robert Louis Stevenson.
- Which direction did they go? -Out through the side door.
- Thank you.
-Oh, no, no.
To your left.
Oh.
Excuse me.
Careful, Robin.
I think it's a lady.
Take my cape.
- Ooh.
-Ah.
May I suggest you take your hands away from your eyes? You're liable to maim yourself.
We're fully clothed.
What now, Batman? - She's probably got a big head start on us.
-Yes.
I'm certain it's all part of a plan to kidnap Batgirl.
But Why? Do you think she'll kill Batgirl? Or worse, Robin.
Or worse.
We can't miss, boys.
This is the most catacaustic plan in my catalog of crime.
It looks all right in theory but how are you gonna keep Batman and Robin from sticking their masks in it? Hmm.
Simplicity itself.
Look.
Here we are on Pussyfoot Road and here is the Belgravian embassy where Batman has been invited by Queen Bess for a private audience at 3:00.
So we steal the Golden Fleece there at the precise moment the Turgid Twosome arrive here to rescue their precious ally Batgirl.
Oh, you mean they can't be in two places at once.
No, Angora, they can't.
And no hero worth his salt would let a lady expire.
It's foolproof, I tell you.
Perfectly foolproof.
And you, Catwoman, are an even bigger fool than I thought you were.
We who enforce the law would gladly lay down our lives for it.
Batman won't be here.
He'll be at the Belgravian embassy thwarting your nefarious scheme.
Angora gag her.
Crime-fightresses should be seen and not heard.
There.
That's all we'll hear of her nonsense.
Manx, set up the pattern cutter.
You'd better pray that Batman is a "man" man more than he is a policeman.
Angora, get her ready for the grand opening.
Yes, my dear.
You will make a perfect pinafore.
The type of garment no one will recognize you in or as.
Heh, heh.
If you should pardon a final cutting remark.
Ah.
So far, all of her crimes seem to have followed a preordained scheme.
Have you figured it out, Robin? Well, first she attacked those ladies at that luncheon with a hair-raising bomb.
And then she stole all those one-of-a-kind clothes.
It would appear she's on an apparel binge of some kind.
No doubt.
Now, what could she do for a topper? Something connected with clothing that might cap her crimes to date.
Holy priceless collection of Etruscan snoods.
- Right, Batman? -Wrong.
There isn't much call for Etruscan snoods these days, Robin.
Besides, Catwoman's mind is more commercial.
Speaking of minds, sir, if I may be so bold Uh, be bold, Alfred.
It would appear that your mind is not really on the subject you're pursuing.
Very observant, Alfred.
My mind's on Batgirl.
Wherever she is, whatever dire danger she faces.
And we have an audience with Queen Bess of Belgravia at exactly 3:00.
Yes, another mental aggravation facing us.
But can't you postpone it, sir? No, diplomatic protocol forbids it, Alfred.
She specifically requested meeting us to discuss the rise in Belgravian misdemeanors.
Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara are waiting now to accompany us to-- And to get back to Catwoman.
What is it, Batman? Queen Bess of Belgravia has a Golden Fleece she wears for special occasions.
No doubt she's brought it with her to Gotham City.
It's spun from pure gold, and it's worth a fortune, Robin.
But what would Catwoman want with that? It's too hot to handle for any self-respecting fence.
But if it were to be stolen from Queen Bess Belgravia would be up a creek without a fleece.
They might even declare war on our country.
No doubt Queen Bess would mortgage herself to the hilt to get it back.
Nobody wants war.
Gee, Batman, Belgravia's such a small country.
We'd beat them in a few hours.
Yes, and then we'd have to support them for years.
Come on, Robin.
Her Majesty awaits.
And just perhaps we'll get some clue as to Batgirl's whereabouts.
It's 20 minutes of 3, Batgirl.
The next sound you hear will be an automatic pattern cutter with teeth of steel.
It will take just 20 minutes to do the work cut out for it.
To cut you into a perfect pinafore.
And that's why I think Catwoman will be at the Belgravian embassy, commissioner.
- A brilliant deduction, Batman.
-I couldn't have done better meself.
Heh.
It's 20 minutes to 3.
Time, to coin a phrase, is a-wasting.
- Yes, Bonnie.
- Hello, baby.
This is Catwoman purring in your shell-like ear.
You-- You-- You have some nerve calling me here, Catwoman.
Just doing my duty as a citizen, commissioner.
Helping to save a life.
To whom are you referring? None other than Batgirl, the distaff crime-fighter.
- Batgirl? -May I have that, commissioner? This is Batman, Catwoman.
Oh.
Heh.
Speak of the angel.
Just what are you doing, and to whom are you doing it? You'd better get to 32 Pussyfoot Road, Batman where a steel pattern cutter is just going to work on Batgirl.
Great Scott.
Be here at 3:00 on the button if you don't want to find Batgirl beside herself.
Holy dilemma.
If we go to rescue Batgirl, Catwoman escapes with the Golden Fleece.
And if we go after Catwoman, Batgirl dies.
What--? What are you gonna do? You go to the Belgravian embassy and look for trouble.
Yes, Catwoman may be there.
You go quickly and we'll join you there.
But be wary.
You must be on time for the audience or you're liable to incur Queen Bess' renowned and redoubtable royal wrath.
Heaven forbid.
Come on, chief.
I had to get rid of them, Robin, so that we could use the phone.
from Wayne Manor.
Just pray that Alfred is near the Batphone.
- This is one of your sticky wickets, Alfred.
-indeed, sir.
If she recognizes you as Bruce Wayne's butler, she's liable to analyze the connection and learn Robin's and my secret true identities.
But we have to take the chance.
Otherwise Batgirl dies.
What do you suggest, sir? A disguise.
Something as alien as possible to your normal self.
But speed is of the essence.
NARRATOR".
And what of Queen Bess of Belgravia and the glittering Golden Fleece? Is it 3:00 yet? Almost, Your Royal Goodness.
-It's two minutes of.
-Oh.
Well, then we must prepare to meet our guests.
- Who are you? -Catwoman.
Is she on my list for today's audience? No, Your Royal Goodness.
Call my social secretary for an appointment.
Sorry, queenie, but I'm antisocial.
Oh! Thank you, whoever you are.
Think nothing of it, sweetheart.
As a matter of fact, it was selfish of me.
- Selfish? -Yes.
I'm the janitor here.
If that machine had sliced you to bits, I'd have to clean up the mess.
- You look very familiar to me.
-Me? Oh, no.
No, I'm the oldest living hippie in this country.
You may have heard about my being the first Boy Scout dropout at the turn of a century.
Mm.
Love.
See you around.
How very nice of you to come.
And tell me where is the much-admired Batman and his youthful companion? I'm afraid Batman may be a few minutes late, Your Highness.
Well, it's too bad.
If they had been here, they might be able to save your worthless hides.
I beg your pardon? Saints preserve us, it's Catwoman.
In the adorable fur.
Now that Batman and Robin are not here to fight your battles for you let me see how really brave you timorous tabbies are.
Get them.
It seems we arrived at an opportune moment, Catwoman.
Gosh, yes, Batman.
Holy crucial moment.
Most apt, Boy Blunderer.
But the presence of you here indicates that you have forsaken your partner in crime in order to pursue me.
Batgirl.
Hsss! Not a perfect pinafore, Catwoman.
Get them.
Crime is a bad habit, Catwoman.
Let's go.
Warden Crichton awaits.
You know what this is, Batman? The Royal Order of the Belgravian Garter.
Five decorations.
One for each of us.
For finding Her Majesty's Golden Fleece and returning it to her.
And for finding Her Majesty locked up in a closet off that throne room, she was.
And it's a lucky thing that we discovered her too.
There are enough international crises running around without us starting one with Belgravia.
Yes, Bonnie? I thought you should turn on your television set.
A roving live-TV unit has picked up something shocking happening right now in Gotham City.
Thank you, Bonnie.
Holy homecoming, Egghead and Olga.
Queen of the Bessarovian Cossacks.
No doubt back to bother, badger and bewilder Gotham City once more.
NARRATOR".
Egghead, Olga and her Bessarovian Cossacks are back with another assortment of devilish plots.
All happening here in our next episode.