Bewitched (1964) s03e14 Episode Script

- Yes, Helen.
- Mr.
Stephens there's a gentleman from the district attorney's office.
Well, send him in.
Mr.
Stephens, Chuck Hawkins.
I'll be prosecuting Benja Mr.
Franklin, for the city.
- Well, won't you sit down, Mr.
Hawkins? - Thank you.
I hope you don't think that I had anything to do with this.
You know, Mr.
Stephens, lots of people have the idea that the district attorney's office is only interested in sending people to jail.
You mean, you have a bad public image? Well, the truth is, we're dedicated public servants.
We're concerned about people.
Plenty of mayors and governors have started in my job.
And it would certainly be a shame to hurt a budding political career by an unpopular case.
If I thought the crime was serious, I'd prosecute to the hilt.
But, after all, taking a fire engine So the old guy's a little eccentric? No one was hurt.
So instead of subjecting the people of this city to a long and expensive trial With lots of publicity.
- My office is prepared to reduce the charge to disturbing the peace.
Now, if Mr.
Franklin will plead guilty I can assure you he'll get a suspended sentence or a light fine.
Mr.
Hawkins, I take back everything I've ever said about the DA's office.
We don't have to wait four weeks for a misdemeanour.
Have him down at Division 20 day after tomorrow.
Darrin, have you seen this about your friend, Ben Franklin? It's terrific.
Oh, sorry to interrupt.
You can't buy this kind of publicity.
Larry, meet Mr.
Hawkins of the DA's office.
- How do you do? - How do you do? The Franklin Electronics Corporation are going to be in seventh heaven.
- What a send-off for the campaign.
- So it was a gimmick, huh? Stephens, the charge is grand theft.
And I intend to see that Franklin, or whoever he is is prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
Mr.
Hawkins, is the trial back to four weeks away? And lose all this publicity? Day after tomorrow, Stephens.
Felony court.
Now there are TV people outside and it's attracted the entire neighbourhood.
Aunt Clara, you have to remember that spell.
We have to get Benjamin Franklin back here.
- Yes.
Yes.
- I'll try and stall them.
Samantha Stephens? I'm Bill Whalen of WXIW news and I'd like to speak to Mr.
Franklin.
I'm sorry, but he has no comment.
Oh, but even no comment from Mr.
Franklin is news.
Where is he? Now, that's funny.
I've got something in my eye.
Why don't you come back when you've gotten it out? She did it.
She wiggled her nose.
I saw her.
I saw the whole thing from the beginning.
- First Benjamin Franklin.
Next - Next what? Who are you? Franklin Pierce, sir, - Aunt Clara.
- Oh, I missed it again.
Did I see what I thought I saw? Must have been that something in your eye.
Aunt Clara, when you got Benjamin Franklin you were trying for an electrician to fix my lamp.
Yes, that was the spell, but I couldn't work it out.
That Gladys Kravitz is telling that television reporter everything she's seen.
And then she raised her arms like this and said, " Hark ye, witches who live in lamps" - Yeah, yeah, lady.
Sure.
- She did.
She said it all.
Aunt Clara did it begin, " Hark ye, witches who live in lamps"? Oh, that's it, that's it.
"Hark ye, witches who live in lamps.
" Oh, yes.
Hark ye, witches who live in lamps Sam, don't let her point at me.
Darrin, where'd you come from? Well, I saw the crowd outside, so I snuck around back.
What is going on? Aunt Clara's remembered the spell.
Go ahead, Aunt Clara.
Hark ye Hark ye, witches who live in lamps The power of watts And ohms and amps And The wizards of AC/DC transmission Send to me an electrician As you were saying, Mr.
Stephens Mr.
Franklin, thank heaven you're back.
I wasn't aware that I'd left.
But if this is the reception you give return voyagers I must go away more often.
What has transpired during my absence? For one thing, the trial's day after tomorrow.
Day after tomorrow? And the district attorney's out for blood.
He thinks this is some kind of advertising stunt.
Darrin, shouldn't we get Mr.
Franklin a lawyer? Honey, we can't.
What could we tell him? Mr.
Franklin, couldn't you defend yourself? No, that might be unwise.
The man who defends himself has a fool for a lawyer and a jackass for a client.
- Abraham Lincoln said that.
- Abraham who? Whoever, he stole it from me.
Maybe Darrin's right.
After all, Mr.
Franklin, you are innocent.
Mrs.
Stephens, it's the innocent who need an attorney.
The guilty can lie for themselves.
Oh, I like that.
Remind me to remember that.
May I also remind you that I told you the district attorney thinks this is a publicity stunt and he's going to use that to turn the jury's sympathy against Mr.
Franklin? Well, we know it isn't true.
The only way we can get public sympathy on our side is for the people to see and hear Mr.
Franklin.
Sam, there isn't time.
The trial is one day away.
Darling, you forget you're married to a witch.
Now, I can't change public opinion but I can help it along a little bit.
Boys and girls for today's Celebrity Day assembly we are honoured to have with us a member of America's team of astronauts.
It is a great pleasure to present to you someone who could be the first American on the moon Benjamin Franklin.
Thank you.
Oh, yes, Samantha, dear.
Yes.
Yes, I think I can handle that.
Right.
Right away.
That, ladies and gentlemen wraps up this edition of WXIW afternoon news.
This is Bill Whalen signing off until 6 this evening.
Correction, please.
There seems to be one more item.
In response to the sudden wave of Benjamin Franklin fever which is sweeping the city, this station invites all interested viewers to call us collect to express their opinion.
Oh, I did it.
I did it.
Oh, won't Samantha be pleased.
This is the Real Don Steele happening on Boss Radio, baby.
Those were the Nebbishes with their release "Snarl, Baby, Snarl, If You Love Me".
And now, gang, what you have been waiting for.
The number one sound on the all-new Big Boss 30 survey Ben Franklin delivers a speech to the Pennsylvania Constitutional Convention.
How about that, fun devils? I like it, I like it.
There's a front-page story on Mr.
Franklin in every paper.
They've been talking all day about it on television.
- Shall I turn it on? - Oh, no, please.
Please, Aunt Clara.
Enough's enough.
That was Larry on the phone.
He can't get it through his head that all this isn't somehow connected with the Franklin Electronics account.
Will it help, sir, if I speak to the gentleman? Oh, no, Mr.
Franklin.
The only thing that would help is for you to be acquitted and then just to Disappear.
I understand.
But what if I'm not acquitted? - What would you do if convicted? - I'd go to jail, madam.
I wish you were more optimistic.
Optimists, madam, believe that all will turn out for the best.
They are, therefore, constantly disappointed.
I, on the other hand, prepare myself for the worst.
Should it not occur, I am delightfully surprised.
That's cute.
Now, if you will excuse me, I must get back to preparing my address to the court.
Stop worrying.
- Start.
- Ladies and gentlemen of the jury I intend to prove that the defendant, whoever he is used the honoured name of Benjamin Franklin as part of an advertising campaign the sole purpose of which is to sell transistor radios.
Now, unfortunately, there's no law against tasteless advertising.
But in the process of his activities the defendant made a mistake.
He stole a valuable public monument, a rare old fire engine that was on display in front of Fire Station Number Three.
Now, such a crime is more serious than ordinary theft because the man who steals public property steals not only from one man, but from everyone.
Oh, an excellent point, an excellent point.
It's your turn, Mr.
Franklin.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury human reason is a very uncertain thing because two people can arrive at diametrically opposed positions from the same premise.
Consequently, I think that a good, sure instinct is worth a great deal more.
Now, the district attorney, I fear, has set himself a very difficult task.
First, he must prove that I stole a fire engine.
Now, what motive could a man have for stealing a fire engine? Unless, of course, he needed to put out a fire.
And, second, the district attorney must prove that I am not Benjamin Franklin but, in fact, an impostor.
If he succeeds, I shall have to conclude that not only have I been mistaken as to my identity all these many years but that my honoured father and mother were somewhat confused at my birth.
You're the head librarian at the main branch of the library? - That's right.
- And is that the man who walked into your library a few days ago? Yes, that's him, Benjamin Franklin.
Just "yes" or "no" will do.
What happened when he approached you? Well, of course, there was quite a disturbance.
I mean, everyone started whispering.
And you can't have that sort of thing in a library.
I mean, there are signs all over.
Then you would say he definitely created a disturbance? - Yes.
- What else did he do? He wanted to pay a library fine on a book that was 200 years overdue.
He wanted to pay a library fine on a book that was overdue for 200 years.
Not exactly.
You see, he didn't actually have the book.
But he said that he had neglected to return it and it had been on his conscience for 200 years.
- Your witness, sir.
- No questions, Your Honour.
You've made my point.
I'm nothing if not an honest man.
You mean to say that the defendant actually walked out on stage and made a speech to the students in the auditorium? - Yes, sir.
He did.
- Had you planned to have him speak? No, we planned a totally different speaker.
I don't even know why I announced him.
So he completely disrupted your assembly? Well, at first he did, but then - Naturally, you were outraged.
- Well, yes, in the beginning Please, just Just answer the question.
He's trying to, but you won't let him finish.
Boy, would I love to put a hex on him.
- How you think he'd look as a duck? - Sam.
Go on, sir.
But what? Well, I just wanted to say that he gave the finest speech I've ever heard.
He talked about America as the land of opportunity an education as something precious.
Even more precious because it was available to everyone.
What was the reaction of the students? Well, you know modern kids are pretty sophisticated.
They can tell a phoney a mile off.
But you could've heard a pin drop while he was speaking.
And afterwards, they cheered him for five minutes.
Thank you.
Any more questions for this witness, counsellor? No more questions, Your Honour.
No questions, Your Honour.
I think if the jury went out now, they'd convict the DA.
Well, I'm ready to rest my case.
I call Darrin Stephens to the stand.
If only he were ready to rest his.
And have you ever discussed the idea of using Benjamin Franklin as part of an advertising approach to the Franklin Electronics account? I never brought it up.
Well, did anyone in your office bring it up? Yes.
- Who? - My boss.
Mr.
Stephens, I just have one more question.
Who is that man sitting at that table? Remember, you're under oath.
To the best of my knowledge, Benjamin Franklin.
Does he really believe that? You know something even crazier? I'm beginning to believe it.
And when Mrs.
Stephens introduced me she said they were going to a costume party.
But I knew that wasn't true.
- You see, she's a - You didn't believe her? Oh, of course not.
I knew how he had gotten there.
They cast Did Mr.
Tate, Mr.
Stephens' boss, join you then? - But I wanted to tell you - What did he say? He said, "Good night, Ben.
" And then he sort of winked.
Thank you, Mrs.
Kravitz.
That'll be all.
But don't I get to tell you what I know about her? Only if someone asks you.
Your witness, Mr.
Franklin.
Mr.
Franklin, you can't cross-examine her.
But I must.
Her testimony's very damaging.
It'll be a lot more damaging if she gets a chance to go on.
No questions, Your Honour.
That'll be all, madam.
You may step down.
Well - The prosecution rests, Your Honour.
- This court will recess for 15 minutes.
Time to start worrying again, right? Right.
It was going fine until I got on the stand.
I'm afraid, with Mr.
Stephens' testimony and that Kravitz woman the district attorney established a plausible motive for someone taking a vintage fire engine.
Vintage fire engine.
Vintage.
I'll be right back.
Mr.
Franklin, call me as your next witness.
Would you tell the jury, Mrs.
Stephens where you got the plaque you hold in your hand? From the fire engine at Station Number Three.
Would you read the inscription? "Benjamin Franklin Memorial Fire Engine.
" Your Honour, I'd like to enter this plaque as exhibit A.
- Your Honour, may I ask a question? - Lf it's relevant.
How can the district attorney accuse Mr.
Franklin of stealing his own property? He hasn't proved he is Benjamin Franklin.
And you, sir, have not proved that I am not.
I will admonish this gallery only once.
Another outburst like that and I'll have this courtroom cleared.
Thank you, Your Honour.
No more questions.
Do you believe the defendant is Benjamin Franklin? - Yes.
- How can you be so sure? Just look at him, listen to him talk.
That's no answer.
How do you know? Well, if he isn't why would he have tried to pay for a book that was 200 years overdue? Mrs.
Stephens, do you know the penalty for perjury? - Oh, hush up.
- Your Hon I don't see that it makes any difference whether he's Benjamin Franklin or not.
He represents Mr.
Franklin, doesn't he? Now, the district attorney accuses him of creating a disturbance in the library.
But he doesn't mention the fact that he was honest enough to pay a 200-year-old fine or that Benjamin Franklin created the first public library.
He also accuses him of taking a fire engine.
But he doesn't mention the fact that Benjamin Franklin started the first volunteer fire department.
Aren't you going to object to this, counsellor? Doesn't look that way, Your Honour.
Now, it seems to me that whoever he is all this gentleman has done since he's been here is to remind us of the wonderful things Benjamin Franklin has done.
And of the heritage of wisdom that he left us.
Now, if I were the district attorney l'd want to thank him instead of trying to send him to jail.
Objection.
I think you're a little late, counsellor.
- Congratulations, Mr.
Franklin.
- Thank you.
- I knew you could do it.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, sir.
- That was a great speech, Sam.
Oh, thank you, Larry.
Mr.
Franklin this jury has found you not guilty a judgement in which the court concurs.
You are free to go, but I would like to ask you one question.
Do you intend to continue being Benjamin Franklin? Your Honour I believe that a man's wisdom, if he have any should be left to future generations to measure against their own circumstances.
If a man lives beyond his time and attempts to impose old notions upon new generations he puts himself in very grave danger of losing any claim to wisdom at all.
Therefore, Your Honour although I shall continue to be Benjamin Franklin for I can do no other I shall no longer be that untimely gentleman in your gracious company.
Good day, sir.
Well, if he isn't, he ought to be.
Court's adjourned.
Aunt Clara, I don't think this is such a good idea.
Mr.
Franklin, you said yourself it was time to go back.
And so I shall, sir after this dear lady and I have a night, as you put it, on the town.
Didn't you once say, "Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise"? Yes, I did, I did.
But that was before the electric light.
Don't you think that your escort should be more appropriately dressed? I'll get one of Darrin's suits.
No, no, no.
I can do it.
- Is this a button loose on your coat? - Well, I hadn't noticed.
Tarrel, tarrel Morning glorious Correct appel Apparel Sartor, sartorius Oh, I goofed again.
Oh, no.
No, Aunt Clara, you look beautiful.
Madam, you are a vision of loveliness.
Oh, I congratulate you all for living in this marvellous 20th century where such things are possible.
Oh, let us go on, madam.
Well, don't wait up, children.
Good night.
Oh, I'm sure they'll be all right, sweetheart.
After all, they're both over 200.