Bizaardvark (2016) s03e14 Episode Script

1 We'd like everyone to gather for a huge announcement! Okay.
We'd like you two to stay where you are for a huge announcement.
After watching a bunch of online magic videos, we believe we have a future as BOTH: [dramatically.]
Magicians! [enthusiastically.]
Yay! Frankie, why aren't you clapping? They threw tissue in the air, Paige.
Now, for my first trick, I'll need a volunteer.
- Me! Me! - Her! Her! - Frankie! - [groans.]
Please, pick a card.
Memorize it, and put it back.
You picked - the Queen of Hearts.
- Nope! - The five of Clubs.
- Nope.
13 of Rocks? That's not a card.
Speaking of cards, Paige, you like spoons, right? Uh, I mean, I haven't really - Cool! - Okay.
Now watch as I bend this spoon with my mind.
Just gotta spin around real quick for unrelated reasons.
And that is how you magic.
Frankie, look, I got a souvenir from the show.
Paige, that's a fork.
Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - The three of Clubs? - No.
Wait! Actually, that is my card.
And it only took 39 guesses! And what if I told you the number 39 was written on my chest? - Is it? - No.
But that would've been pretty cool, right? Guys, we definitely want your feedback on our tricks, so we're gonna go grab a pad, so we can take notes.
What was that all about? Bernie and Zane wanna know what we think about their magic.
Spoiler alert.
I'm gonna say things.
They're gonna cry things.
Frankie, Bernie and Zane need our support.
I mean, sure, they're not great at magic, but with our encouragement, they'll get better.
They're not just "not great at magic.
" They're horrible, and if they keep at it, it'll stop them from finding the thing they're meant to do in life.
Brutal honesty will make them more successful in the long run.
- Well, I think you're wrong.
- Well, I think you're wrong.
- Well, I think - Sweet Tea on a Tuesday! Don't you guys see what's going on here? It's a classic Paige versus Frankie in a "I'm Right About Life" argument.
Come on! I don't think we disagree enough to be throwing the word "classic" around.
Oh, really? "Saying no versus saying yes.
" "Listening to yourselves versus listening to your fans.
" "Judging a book by its cover versus not judging a book by its cover.
" Those were classics.
Wow.
We disagree a lot.
Wait! What Amelia's saying is this gives us the chance to put our opposing views to the test.
Uh, that's not what I was saying! Yeah! We can see once and for all about who is right about life! I said none of those words! I'll work with Zane and be honest with him about how he lacks the talent for magic.
You work with Bernie, and use that encouraging, supportive nonsense you believe in.
Great! And at the end of the week, we'll see which one of them is more successful.
And if I win, you have to wear a shirt that says, "Frankie is always right.
" Oh, and when I win, you have to wear a shirt that says, "Paige is always right.
" And so it is written, and so it shall be remembered! When this is over, one of us will be right about life.
Your friendship is weird.
Hey! Hey! And that wraps up today's "Imperfect Imperfection.
" Stay tuned for tomorrow's video where we won't gloss over lipstick! [giggles.]
Bet you thought I was gonna say "lip gloss" huh? Just keeping it imperfect, y'all.
I totally fell for it! You know, I was kinda scared about changing my whole channel, but I'm really loving "Imperfect Imperfection.
" And I have you to thank for it.
So I made you something! [excited.]
A bag! And it's big enough to carry all my hopes and dreams! Look inside! There's an inside?! It's a dress! It's made with hemp and burlap.
All natural.
100% organic materials.
All the things I know you love.
So, do you love it? [forced.]
I love it so much.
I hate it so much! Willow, you're so cute, you can pull anything off.
I recommend starting with that dress.
It's hideous.
It's not just uggo.
It's itchy! It feels like I'm taking a bath in sandpaper.
And you know how much I hate baths.
You and me both, sister.
You're just sitting in your own filth.
I gotta tell Amelia the truth.
The dress just isn't for me.
- You'll do no such thing.
- Why not? Let's just say Amelia doesn't appreciate negative feedback.
Wow! Thanks for making me breakfast, Amelia.
Oh, can you get me some salt? Oh, I'm sorry.
You don't like my eggs? [chuckles.]
Here's some salt for ya! Whoa.
Yeah! And then she made me eat 'em! My doctor says it took a year off my life.
My point is, the only way you're gonna get out of wearing that dress is to destroy it.
Great! So how do we do that? "We"? [chuckles.]
You think I'm gonna help you? You owe me.
Remember? This had to be done.
It's time for Bernie to make real friends.
Sorry, Mr.
Mannequin, but you know what you did.
Fine! I'll help you! Even though you cried the whole drive home from the woods.
That's cause you made me take the wheel! I was tired! I will make these balls disappear! Disappear! Zane, can I, uh, talk to you about this whole magic thing? Why talk about magic when I can dazzle you Let me stop you right there.
Zane, have you heard the story about the water buffalo who could fly? Water buffaloes can't fly.
Exactly! And you can't do magic! [disappointed.]
Oh.
I don't like this story.
Well, it's not over, because while the water buffalo wasn't wasting its time flying, it was able to discover something it was really good at it.
- Like magic? - No! Definitely not magic.
Something nobody expected the water buffalo to do.
Like flying? No! Flying is a metaphor for magic.
- I can do magic! - No you can't! Look, I'm sorry.
[chuckles.]
It's just not what you're meant to do.
But you're a great kid, and I'm sure if you keep looking, you'll find something else you're amazing at.
Wow, Frankie! No one's ever been that honest with me.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe there is something else I'm meant to do.
Thanks, Frankie.
You're welcome.
And remember what the Mama water buffalo said to its baby.
"Stay away from magic!" Watch as I take this coin, and make it - Vanish! - [coin clinks.]
You made it fall! That's something! Yay! Gravity! Vanish! Bernie, the coin didn't drop.
You're getting better.
Nah, I just did it without the coin that time to see how it felt.
It felt good! Vanish! Oh my gosh! Bernie, you did it! I did? I I mean, I did! [both screaming excitedly.]
- Yeah, I mean - [clears throat.]
Cool.
Cool.
Yeah.
Thanks for helping me out, Paige.
I'm so much better at magic now.
It feels so good to be good at something.
You hear that? He feels good.
Sounds like encouragement is working.
Well, I had a little chat with Zane earlier, and let's just say, he's feeling pretty good, too.
[groans.]
[sighs heavily.]
Ah.
The sigh of a happy boy.
Hey, Zane, what's wrong? I thought we had a great talk.
Remember? The water buffalo who made peace with its inadequacies? Yeah.
And I tried to find something I'm good at, but the thing is I don't think I'm good at anything.
[sighs heavily.]
Ah, the hopeless despair of a happy, happy boy.
Hey, Willow, have you seen Zane? I haven't seen him since yesterday.
Yeah! I saw him out back.
He's giving away all his stuff.
What? Why? Not sure.
Something about how his life's a mess, and he has no need for anything anymore.
Oh, no.
That sounds bad.
Maybe I was too honest with him.
Hey, Frankie, I've been drawing dolphins all morning.
Should I be an artist?! Uh you We all we Zane needs me.
Gotta go.
Bye! Zane, I'm so sorry.
I went too far.
What's going on? I'm giving away all my stuff.
Thanks to you, I hit rock bottom! And yet, you're smiling! Yeah, because something amazing happened.
At first, I was sad, and started giving away all my stuff.
But then I realized how good it feels to give.
Oh.
Totally agree.
By the way, my birthday is June 2nd, and I need a new panini maker.
Now I'm collecting donations to give to people who really need it.
I've never felt so good.
Wait a minute.
Zane, you basically started your own charity.
I think helping people might be your true calling.
Take that, Paige! I'm winning! - What? - You're winning! At life! Ha, ha! Mazel tov! Woo! I guess you're right.
None of this would've happened if you weren't honest with me.
How can I ever thank you? Oh, I I thought I was clear before.
June 2nd.
Panini maker.
The big one.
I like my bread hot and flat! All right, how are we gonna destroy this thing so I never have to wear it.
Why don't we just cut it up, throw it away, and hope the cops don't find it? Bing! Bang! Boom! Done! You're fun! But I can't just destroy the dress.
Amelia will know I don't like it.
Ah, I see what you're saying.
We gotta make it look like an accident.
You frighten me just the right amount.
Has anybody seen my new dress?! I put it on top of a tray of cookie dough for some reason.
Oh, no! I put that tray in the oven 16 to 18 minutes ago! Oh no, my favorite dress! Is not burnt? Well, of course it's not! I made it with a natural flame retardant.
But you know what is burnt? These cookies! Maybe they could use some salt! I wonder how far I can throw this! - [wood chipper whirring.]
- Watch out! I have a wood chipper! It's not ruined?! That's 'cause it's made with natural fibers.
And love! Hey! Guess who just had his first paying gig as a magician? No way, Bernie! That's amazing! Yep! I had a killer set at the old folks' home.
And the two people who stayed awake said it was, and I quote, "When's Bingo?" Look at you! You're glowing! Yeah, it's mostly sweat.
But like any professional magician, I came up with an amazing stage name.
I am Illusor! Uh, yeah.
You might want to consider a different nickname.
Nah, it's money.
Hey, Paige! Hey! You look so happy.
Yeah! Frankie helped me launch a charity.
It's called "Half Your Stuff.
" We all have too many things, so why not give half of them away? Thanks to my honesty, Zane found his true calling.
Well I have news, too.
Bernie, here, is so good at magic, he's been hired to perform professionally.
I opened for Bingo.
Okay.
Well, not only has Zane become a respected philanthropist, he is also going to host a black-tie event to raise money for his charity.
- I am? - You sure are! Well, that's great news, because Bernie can perform his magic, and be the event's entertainment.
- I can? - You sure can! Then it's settled.
Zane will host an event, and Bernie will perform at it.
And at the end, we'll see whose life is better and that will determine the winner.
Of what? Um the big game.
Yeah, that is coming up.
Hey! At this event, I can debut my new trick.
The Devil's Refrigerator.
Oh, cool! What do you do? Like make a refrigerator disappear? [scoffs.]
Maybe if I was a baby magician! This trick is a death-defying illusion where a 1,000-pound refrigerator hangs above the stage, dropping onto a box that I'll be inside, and crushing me, unless I can escape in time.
Ha! That sounds very, um advanced.
Yeah! Only eight magicians have ever tried it.
So, they'll teach it to you? I wish! Unfortunately, only two of them survived.
And they both lost use of their vocal cords.
Uh, because they screamed after completing the trick? I wish! It's because the box crushed their throats.
Thanks for booking me this gig, Paige.
Come on, Zane! Ah! The misguided optimism of a guy who's about to have his throat crushed by a refrigerator.
Well! See ya at the big game.
Wow! Look at this place.
Yeah.
Told you I'd hook you up.
I asked Liam to call in favors from his wealthiest friends, and he couldn't say no.
I mean, he did.
Several times, but finally he said, "Ugh! Fine!" And now for the ceremonial hoisting of the fridge.
- [hydraulics whirring.]
- Um Bernie, are you are you sure this trick isn't too dangerous? Actually, I don't think this trick is dangerous enough.
Which is why I filled the refrigerator with knives! - Butter knives? - Of course! - Oh! Phew.
- Wait.
Did you say "butter" or "butcher"? 'Cause it's definitely butcher.
There's still time to be honest with him before he goes through with this.
No! I can't discourage him now.
If I tell him he can't do the trick, it would destroy him! More than a refrigerator filled with butcher knives? Oh, you heard that? Look, if I keep being supportive, maybe somehow, everything will work out fine.
I believe in you, Bernie.
Thanks, Paige! That means the world to me.
[groans.]
Aw, man! It's the second mannequin I've lost this month! So, the mannequin represents you? Oh, yeah! Bernie, you know you don't have to do this trick at the event! Why don't you just do your coin trick? Paige, please! That's way too dangerous! Don't worry.
I got this.
Most magicians would quit, but lucky for us, I am Illusor! And then I fire this baby up to maximum scorch, and it's bye-bye ugly dress! Ha! Man, I'm a good chaperone! You know what, Grandma? Don't bother.
I'm sure whatever you do, the dress will survive.
I just wish Amelia knew how awful this dress was.
Yeah.
Too bad you don't have one in her size.
Her size?! Grandma, how are your sewing skills? Terrible! You know, you really haven't helped me as much as I hoped you would.
So, what do you think? I think it's It definitely has There's a certain Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings.
It itches so bad! It feels like someone is stabbing me in the back.
It's so heavy, I can't breathe, but so light, I'm freezing.
Oh my gosh, there's an ugly potato in the room.
[gasps.]
Oh my gosh, it's me! [giggles.]
You hated that dress all along, didn't you? Just the time that I was wearing it, holding it, or looking at it.
Great.
Let's agree never to wear them again.
It's a deal, 'Mels.
But how are we gonna get rid of them? They're literally indestructible.
I have an idea.
They're dead to me.
Bing! Bang! Boom! Done! How much time have you been spending with Grandma? Too much.
Have I told you yet how fabulous you look? Yes, you have! And have you told me yet how fabulous I look? Clearly not enough.
- [dramatic music.]
- [applause.]
I hope you're all enjoying the Half Your Stuff Charity Event.
Thanks for your generosity.
We've already received so many donations.
[applause.]
I'm about to make a donation.
To my purse! It's for charity.
Kids need rolls.
Hey, Paige.
I'd like you to meet my assistant, Tiffany! She's gonna be helping me do the trick.
Also, if things go wrong, she cleans up the mess for free.
ZANE [over speaker.]
: Please welcome Bernie Schotz.
[applause.]
[stammering.]
Good luck out there, Bernie, and just FYI, I heard a lot of people talking about how they would like to see a coin trick tonight.
[dramatic music plays.]
Good evening.
It feels good to give back.
- [mysterious music plays.]
- But you know what I can't give back? - This crate.
- [crowd gasps.]
Because I ordered it online, and have no idea how to return it.
[crowd gasps.]
I know.
In a moment, this crate will be crushed with me inside, in a trick that many have tried, but few have survived.
The Devil's Refrigerator! [crowd gasping.]
You're not gonna stop him? You're really gonna let Bernie go out there and hurt himself just to prove you're right? I really think everything's gonna be fine.
Are you serious? Paige, I think you're in denial.
There's nothing to worry about.
I mean, maybe he won't even get in the crate.
I am in the crate! Maybe they won't be able to put the fridge in position.
The fridge is in position.
I mean, it's not like he's past the point of no return.
I am past the point of no return.
Paige! Paige, Paige, Paige! Paige! What am I doing?! Bernie, stop! You can't do this trick! You're not ready, and it's too hard! Or is it? No, stop! Bernie, wait, stop! - [crowd gasps.]
- Bernie, stop! [crowd exclaims.]
My grandson! Wow! I don't know how anyone could have survived that! [applause.]
Gosh, you're alive! How in the world did you do that trick? Easy.
I cut a hole in the stage.
So while everyone was looking at the refrigerator, I crawled out and snuck up to that table.
Oh! Uh, I thought magicians weren't supposed to reveal their secrets.
Well, I'm not a magician.
I'm Illusor.
He doesn't hear it? He doesn't hear it.
Bernard.
I'm so happy you're alive! Oh! Well, looks like you're gonna be wearing this.
Thanks to my encouragement, Bernie became an amazing magician.
I was right.
No.
You're gonna wear this.
My honesty had Zane pull off this entire charity event.
I was right.
Hmm.
Is it possible that the result of our little experiment was we're both right? Hmm.
[chuckles.]
"We were both right" high-five! Wait, I'm sorry.
What experiment? BOTH: Uh Wait, were you two just using us to settle a personal score? No, no, no, no.
See, you guys don't understand.
We were both right! Hi! We were wrong.
Hi! Lovely dress.
We were wrong.