Brooklyn Nine-Nine s03e14 Episode Script

Gather around, glorious turd monsters, and feast your eyes on what I hold in this hand: the future of movement a hoverboard.
I don't understand those things.
Is walking really so hard for you? Oh, Ames, walking's a nightmare.
Yeah, Amy.
Now, friends, eat my space dust.
Okay, a little harder to control than I thought.
Okay, there we go.
Whoo! Think I'm getting the hang of it.
No, I'm not! I'm all right.
No! Ow! I'm doing it! I'm doing it! You got this? No, I do not got this, Terry! Don't let go of me! The future of movement is now! Whoa! There he is.
All hail the birthday boy.
Oh, what the hell was that? Charles, probably shouldn't have done that in a police station.
And not celebrate your birthday properly? I'd rather get shot.
You do you, Boyle.
I'm doing me.
What's this case? Oh, this isn't work.
It's research on your mom since we're finally meeting.
It's very thorough.
Just relax.
She's gonna love you.
You're both strong, accomplished women that have seen me naked.
I used to be so good at meeting grownups.
I'd just sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" flawlessly and ride that wave till bath time.
But now it's anybody's guess.
All right, what I am about to say will make you very horny, but you have to try and remember that we're still at work.
Do you want me to quiz you? Oh, God, yes.
Wow.
Okay, great.
What is my mother's favorite drink? Red wine over ice.
Just like Diane Keaton, or so she always says.
Favorite topics of conversation? Jimmy Carter was underrated, how beautiful some front doors are.
What's Jane Seymour up to? And how cool is it that the ladies across the street are lesbians? Great.
Nice work.
Topics to avoid: how my dad left us and ruined our lives, how my dad got remarried twice and ruined our lives, how my dad moved to Canada - and ruined our lives.
- You know what? I'm just gonna steer clear of your dad entirely.
Smart.
You're gonna be fine, all right? She's gonna totally love you.
Are those her dental records? Gina, are you excited for our "Escape the Room" team-building exercise? I told you, sir, it would be far more effective for the squad to go to Vegas, and you give us each $5,000.
No, I see no value in that.
But nine coworkers forced to riddle their way free from a locked room I would spend my $5,000 to buy backstage passes to Britney, and then I'd ask her one question: You think you're a better dancer than me? We are not going to Las Vegas.
We're going to Long Island City and we will bond meaningfully, and that is a direct order.
I'll see you at 8:00 tonight.
Tonight? Um Okay, great.
Jake! Jakester! Remember when I did not email you about Captain Holt's "Escape the Room" thing tonight? No, and I can't go.
Amy and I are going to my mom's house for my birthday.
Adults don't care about their birthdays.
You came to work last year on a horse.
Man, forget you.
Where's Charles? On a stakeout with Rosa and Terry.
Police work? What a waste of time.
So no Jake, no Amy, no Charles, no Rosa, no Terry.
That leaves me with Aah.
Ooh! - Aah.
- Aah.
Oh, dear God.
Okay, this is the block our boy Tommy Tran does his drops.
Before we do anything else, are your body cams turned on? Why are you so obsessed with these things? It's like your stupid babies all over again.
My babies are not stupid.
Cagney can write a lowercase L.
It's just a line, right? Look, I worked hard to get us included in that pilot program.
Body cams are important, and I need these field tests to go well.
I'm gonna go take my position.
"Just a straight line.
" Come on! Unique New York.
Unique New York.
Unique New York.
I took a Toastmasters class to prepare for tonight.
Seriously, it's gonna be fine.
We're just gonna have some dinner, eat dessert, play charades, and then talk for half an hour about which of her friends are sick.
We're gonna play charades? You wait until t-minus two seconds to tell me that? Okay.
Movie.
Book.
What's the thing for song? I don't know the thing for song.
Hi, birthday boy.
Hi.
Mom, is something on fire? - Yeah.
- Okay.
You must be Amy.
Let me take you in.
Okay.
I'll just take in this gorgeous front door of yours.
- Mom, seriously, the fire? - It's fine.
Things don't burn down like they used to.
I'm just gonna put it out.
Well, you know, it's good enough for Diane Keaton.
It's good enough for me.
I love her.
I mean, she's no Jane Seymour.
Where is Jane Seymour now, anyway? She makes jewelry, and it's beautiful.
I just bought two brooches for the lesbians across the street.
Mom, I keep telling you, if you don't rein it in a little bit, you're gonna scare them off.
Well, that's what you said about Carla, and I ignored it, and now I have a friend with one arm.
I stand corrected.
Oh, must be your birthday surprise.
You got the '86 Mets? Be warned, a lot of them turned out to be drug addicts, so this could be a bummer.
You ready? Hey, buddy.
Happy birthday.
Dad? What are you doing here? I wanted to surprise you.
Yeah, well I am surprised that you know it's my birthday.
Actually, Jake your father and I are, uh, seeing each other again.
Oh! Wow, that's that's so interesting.
Oh I know this isn't the best time, but we are in your childhood bedroom, and I do have one question: did you have a nose ring in high school? Yes.
Until it got infected and I almost went blind.
Don't tell anyone.
Cool.
It's our secret.
Just gonna check my email up high.
No new messages.
Amy, can we focus? What is going on here? Why is my dad dating my mom? What does he want? Money, but she's a public school art teacher.
That doesn't make any sense.
Maybe that son of a bitch wants his picture drawn! Jake, Karen is a grown woman with a pretty respectable credit score.
I'm sure she knows what she's doing.
Amy, I know that you have a binder, but you don't know her like I do.
She's too trusting for her own good.
She's fallen for more Nigerian scams than Scully.
She's fallen for 20 Nigerian scams? That's insane.
No, she's fallen for 2.
Scully's fallen for 20? Yeah.
Look, all right, you know what? This is fine.
It's just the same that it's always been.
I have to protect her.
I'm gonna go down there, and I'm going to express my concerns to her in a calm, rational manner.
What are you doing, Mom? He's evil! I'm glad we got these sweet cams.
What is happening with your voice? This is Body Cam Charles.
I got to sound badass in case anybody watches the footage, capisce? Aah! Oh, I just spilled soup on the cam! Why do you have soup on a stakeout? Oh, no.
Crap! Oh, it's not turning back on.
Do you think Sarge is gonna be mad that I spilled "fuh" on the cam? He definitely will if you say pho like that when you tell him.
I'm not gonna mispronounce it.
Not while you're rolling.
Go get yourself cleaned up! - See anything, Sarge? - Not yet.
Don't know why I didn't go undercover as someone wearing a scarf.
Terry hates windchill.
Wait, here's our guy.
Got him.
Crap! I think he made me.
He's headed toward the restaurant! You follow.
I'll cover the back alley! Someone's in here! Uhh! Ah! - Rosa? - Charles.
You're completely naked.
You have the right to remain silent.
You have the right to an attorney.
Where is everyone, Gina? Perhaps that's tonight's first puzzle.
I forgot to send the invitations.
But I was able to rally the best and brightest of those available.
Oh, dear God.
Sorry we're late.
Turns out the front door was a push, not a pull.
Well, maybe we should just reschedule.
You have three hours to find the four keys that will prevent the apocalypse and release you from this room.
Your time starts now.
Well, this is a sobering reality.
Okay, I got your favorite cake: - blue.
- I'm not hungry.
It's a figure of speech.
Obviously, I'll have some.
You know, I don't think our guest Amy really wants to talk about this, Jake.
Can we just move on? Yes.
Maybe we could talk about someone we all admire: President Jimmy Carter.
When I think of the great So how serious is it, Hmm? Have you guys kissed? Has he stayed the night? Has he brought you a chocolate orange from the airport? 'Cause that's his big move.
Jake, your mother and I have been seeing each other for three months.
Oh, you know what? I oughta throw up in your face.
I know that you're angry, but when I was here last year, you really showed me what a selfish jerk I was.
You're the reason that all of this is happening.
Yeah, but I didn't want this.
I just wanted you to text me Mb dad joke every six months.
I can do that.
Just give me your number.
You didn't save my number? Now, Jake, look.
I know every mistake your father has made, and he says they're all in the past.
Now just blow out your candles.
Okay, great.
Great idea, Mom.
I'll blow out my birthday candles.
I wished that you would leave.
Damn it, I shouldn't have said it out loud.
Now it won't come true.
Okay, we have maps, a pantry, beds, a desk.
Where should we begin? Do you have any experience with puzzles? Yes.
I've never solved one.
This says we have three questions.
- No.
- Uh-oh.
- How do we get outta here? - Can't tell you.
- Really? - Yes.
That's enough! Sorry about that.
Can we please have our questions back? No.
And that's three.
You're done.
Oh, Captain, how could you? Hey.
You didn't come back down.
I had to talk to your parents for, like, an hour, and I ran out of stuff from the binder, and then I did something really weird.
The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout Down came So do you know where the nearest train station is? I know it sucks that I did that, but think about how I feel.
My stupid parents are borking each other.
And my mom thinks she knows all the worst things that my dad did, but she has no idea.
She doesn't even know that he cheated on her with her best friend, Sheila Bodden.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I saw them.
They were in our car in the garage having sex.
It's the whole reason I can't have sex in cars in garages.
That's a very specific sexual hang-up.
I mean, has it really held you back? Well, are we having sex in car in a garage right now? No.
So, yeah, big time it's held me back.
I never told her about it 'cause I didn't want to crush her heart, but now I have to use it.
I'm gonna tell my dad if he doesn't do the decent thing and leave my mom again I'm dropping the Sheila bomb.
Whoa.
I know this is a really big deal, but I have to ask.
Did you wear this hat in high school? Amy! There's only one way I'm gonna get my dad alone.
You have to tell my mom that you need to - speak with her in private.
- About what? I barely know her.
Tell her you're plugged up and you need a laxative.
What? No! What? I'm not gonna say that.
Okay, here's the plan: I drop the bomb during charades.
I'll just tell him I know about Sheila with my body.
Um Fast, uh, fast "Fast and Furious"? "Magic Mike"? I don't know Uh, "Crying Game"? - I don't know.
- Time.
Ah! Oh.
- I I didn't - No, no, no.
It's fine.
I it's I'm Um, right, why would you be? Yeah, it's not like I'm always, uh Naked.
Yeah.
Look, man, no one's ever gonna see that footage.
The case was cut and dry.
It's not like I'm dying to tell anyone I saw your Bennie and the Jets.
Sure.
Whatever.
Hey, I've been looking for you guys.
I just talked to our perp's attorney.
He's claiming the drugs you seized in the bathroom - weren't his.
- What? But we saw him throw them in the garbage.
Yeah.
Normally, it'd be your word against his, but lucky for us, you were wearing body cams! Yeah, but the thing about cameras is that they don't really tell the full objective truth.
Images can be distorted.
People often seem naked.
Boyle, what are you talking about? Boyle is fully nude in the footage.
Why? The whole thing? No, no, no.
Not the whole thing.
Okay.
It doesn't matter how much humping I do.
He's still not getting it.
Okay.
Well then this is happening.
Hey, Karen, can I talk to you for a second in private? I'm a little plugged up.
Oh, well, say no more.
I have an entire cabinet devoted just to that.
Wow.
TMI, you guys.
Thank you.
Oh, man, this is so much fun.
Thanks for giving me a second chance, buddy.
Second chance? Are you seriously not getting what I'm charades-ing down at you? That was you and Sheila Bodden humping it up in the back of our car.
What? I Yeah, that's right.
I saw you.
I saw your weird dad butt, and I saw her aquamarine leotard bunched up around her ankles! It scarred me for life.
I'm sorry.
I I didn't know you saw that.
Yeah, well, I did, and I never told Mom about it, but I swear to you, I will unless you leave right now.
Should be easy for you since it's your favorite thing to do aside from humping it up with ladies.
You think I'm way more sexually active than I am.
I mean, I've only had sex with, like, 400 women.
What? Oh, my God.
Is that a lot? I mean, all my friends are pilots.
I'm on the low end of average.
Listen.
I don't want to hurt your mother.
Please don't tell her about Sheila.
Fine, I won't, provided you leave right now.
Your move, white devil.
So if I'm correct, this should contain key number one! Yay.
Open the door.
Oh, we need to find four keys.
And it took half our time just to find this one because I had to do it completely alone.
You're all useless.
Sorry.
I've been a little busy trying to solve the puzzle of how does one man chew so loud with just one mouth? Sorry.
Could you stop kicking that thing for one minute, Hitchcock? The TV's being a dick.
You got to turn it, like, four times just to change the damn channel.
Four times? Try turning it to The coordinates for the Bay of Pigs.
And the military Nice job.
You broke the TV.
No, I found another key, you dolt.
So one was in a knight, the basketball teams were the Mustangs and Stallions.
We only need two more keys.
This just might work out after all.
You're damn right it will, 'cause we're a ragtag, scrappity, fart-dumb, moron parade, smart-ass team! Okay, we're all good.
Raw garlic.
Cures everything.
It sure does, and it's so delicious.
Uh Where's your father? Oh, Roger, you mean? He left very suddenly.
Said something about "being the worst.
" - What did you say to him, Jake? - What? Why do you assume that I said something? He's a leaving jerk, so he left like a jerk.
This is what he does.
- He's not a monster.
- Yeah, well, you wouldn't say that if you knew - everything that he's done.
- What did he do, Jake? Nothing.
You know, just, like super-awful life-changing things.
No follow-up questions.
Is it worse than the time he cheated on me with Sheila Bodden? Ah.
You knew about that? Yeah.
I knew about that.
The itsy bitsy spider Went up the water spout I can't believe you knew about Sheila.
I also knew about Wendy.
And Bonnie.
Bonnie who wears a wig? She left it in our bathroom.
That's how I found out.
And also, remember your turtle, Graham Crackers? Dad had sex with my turtle? No, no, no, no, but he he stepped on it getting out of bed.
But you said Graham Crackers got married and moved in with his wife.
How did I not know any of this stuff? Well, because you were a kid, and kids don't actually know a lot about their parents.
Jake, I've dated a lot of men in the last 20 years.
- You have? - A lot.
Okay, you don't have to put so much mustard on it.
And I haven't met anyone I like.
But I like your father.
And I know he has been a selfish jerk, but he really has changed.
Last month when I had bronchitis, he flew in on his day off just to bring me soup.
It was this weird Canadian soup.
I-I think it was just all cheese.
But it was really nice.
Man, I feel stupid.
I was just trying to protect you, but I clearly made everything worse.
You have been protecting me since you were a kid.
Sometimes I think you got so good at it, you decided to become a cop and protect everyone.
Oh, that's a cool thought, but I became a cop because of "Die Hard.
" I love you.
I love you, too, Mom.
Come here.
You know, I'm probably remembering a lot more nakedness than there actually was.
No, you're not.
Also, no one's gonna see it on that little TV.
Great news.
We were able to snag the new flat screen.
Your honor, Mr.
Tran claims that he had no narcotics on him.
Fortunately, our detectives were equipped with body cams.
Someone's in here! I think we all clearly saw where Mr.
Tran threw the drugs in the trash right before he was apprehended.
At least it's over now.
Really? How do we know those were drugs? Please back that tape up.
No! Objection! On what grounds? That's my penis? Overruled.
Hey, man, look at that and tell me what you see.
A naked fool.
No.
Between the thighs and under the testicles, there's a bag of cocaine.
A bag of cocaine that's gonna get us a conviction and prove the value of body cams.
You know what I see? A naked hero.
You're right, Sarge.
Thank you.
Now let's zoom in.
Whoop! Over-zoomed.
Well, well, well.
Look who's trying to skip town.
You told me to.
Right.
Look, I talked to Mom, and I just want her to be happy.
So can we go back to my birthday party now? I'd love that, son.
This is nice.
If you screw this up and hurt her in any way, I will throw you in jail for the rest of your life, and I can do that now, Dad, so do not test me.
Okay.
I still liked the hug even though you used it to threaten me.
Yeah, well I kind of liked threatening you, so Come on.
Okay, so we found key number three, thanks to Scully.
I was gonna eat those peaches anyway.
That leaves just one more key.
Team, what in this room is speaking to you right now? Um, I'm intrigued by the phone.
It looks like it would be fun to call a friend on it it and talk about a third friend behind their back.
Interesting.
The dial tone's not steady.
I think it's Morse code.
I know Morse code! My dad was a prisoner of war in Korea, and I could only talk to him Shut up.
Who cares? Just decode the message.
It's a phone number.
Oh.
Booyakasha.
Ready? One, two, three, four.
Congratulations.
We did it.
And we did it together because we're a team.
Should we do it again next week, sir? No.
I would hate that.
Hey, honey.
Thanks for bringing Roger back.
You're very welcome.
Hey, by the way, Amy was really nervous to meet you, so don't judge her too harshly for all the weird singing.
Oh, no.
I'm dating my son of a bitch ex-husband.
Who am I to judge? I think she's really great.
I think you're really great too! She's very good at lip reading.
I wouldn't say I'm very good.
I mean, deaf people, they're the real talents.
Just can't stop.
I'll let you guys talk! I'll just close my eyes.