Dad's Army (1968) s03e14 Episode Script

Mr Mainwaring, it looks as if you've been left holding the baby.
Yes, it does indeed.
You don't mind if I set this Lewis gun up while we talk, do you? - No, not at all.
- No, it's my first job every morning.
In case of a sudden attack, you know.
Oh, quite.
Now, to return to the problem of the late Mr Johnson.
- As you know - Excuse me a moment, will you? - Pike! - Sir? Tell Carter Patterson's to move their van.
The horse is blocking our line of fire.
Sorry about that, Mr The problem of the late Mr Johnson.
As you know, he had no relatives.
Ah, Wilson.
This is my chief clerk, Mr Wilson.
He's dealing with Mr Johnson's affairs.
The point is this, when Mr Johnson died, the only possessions he had in the world were the clothes he stood up in and his boat, thethe Naughty Jane.
It will have to be sold, of course, but that may not be easy.
Not many people want to buy a boat in wartime.
Quite.
And there's another little problem.
Unfortunately, his account was overdrawn.
There it is, sir.
To the extent of 33 pounds 12 and 6.
Ah.
Mm.
Yes, well, in that case, of course, the boat becomes the property of the bank and can be sold to offset this overdraft.
Perhaps you could put an advertisement in the local paper and simply say it's for sale.
- Yes, do that, will you, Wilson? - Well, I'll be off now, Mr Mainwaring.
I'll leave you my account just in case you do sell the boat and there's any money over when you've paid off the overdraft.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- I'll see you out.
Good day to you.
- Good day.
You'll want that, won't you, Wilson? The particulars of the rowing boat.
''15 feet long, five-foot beam, four oars.
Seaworthy condition.
'' Blah, blah.
That's not very much good, is it? You can't go rowing about in the sea in wartime.
It isn't actually on the sea.
It's a mile upstream.
Anybody can look at it if they want to.
Now, I think we'd better get down to this - Wait a minute.
I've had an idea.
- Be careful, sir.
Please, be careful.
River patrols! That's it, Wilson - river patrols! Half a dozen determined men armed to the teeth with a boat, they could play havoc with the Nazis.
What? Do you see it? Swift, silent patrols hitting the enemy where it hurts most, then disappearing into the night, quietly, without a sound, silently.
Cutting through the water.
Muffled oars, of course.
- Muffled oars? - Oh, yes.
That's how Wolfe captured Quebec.
- Oh, really? - Rowed up the St Lawrence with muffled oars.
Taught those Froggies a thing or two.
What exactly are muffled oars? Well We'd ask somebody about that.
We're on duty five nights a week, from the Novelty Rock Emporium to Godfrey's cottage.
The railway bridge, the gasworks, the telephone exchange, mobile patrols in Jones's van.
I mean, really Isn't it It'sit's too much.
Do I detect a slight lack of enthusiasm in your voice? We must have some rest, sir.
I realise that.
I only want to try the thing out.
Today's Friday.
The next parade is on Sunday morning.
I'll tell you what we'll do.
- We'll try it out after tea this afternoon.
- Right.
I shall want six volunteers.
Detail Pike, Desmond, Frazer, Jones, Walker and Godfrey.
- Get a message to them today.
- All right, sir.
I'll do that.
Thank you very much indeed for coming at such short notice.
I'd also like to propose a vote of thanks to Sgt Wilson for mocking up this very good boat.
- It shows great imagination.
- Thank you, sir.
My nanny taught me how.
- When I was in nursery.
- Did she? Just take your place, will you? I want to work out some sort of drill with this mock-up so we know what we're doing when we get on the river.
We don't want to make fools of ourselves in public.
With him in charge, what choice have we got? Now you may or may not believe this, gentlemen, but this time yesterday I knew absolutely nothing about boats.
I was a nautical virgin.
So I knew there was only one person who could possibly give me any help - Miss Beckworth.
So I went round and told her all about it and she gave me a little handbook called ''How To Handle Your Oars'', which I understand is issued to the Sea Scouts.
And now I think I can safely say that I have at least mastered the basics of boatmanship.
And I'm sure, if I go wrong, Frazer will be only too glad to put me right.
Aye, I will that.
- Ah, Mr Godfrey.
- Sorry I'm late.
I got rather excited.
- I was playing bowls.
- Oh, that's a good omen.
So was Drake.
- Can I inquire what they're doing? - They're sitting in a boat.
Take your place, will you? Forward.
- For'ard.
- What did you say? - The word is for'ard.
- Oh, yes.
For'ard.
For'ard, of course.
Yes.
Must get these things right.
Now, Frazer will be steering, so he will be the coxswain.
- Coxs'n.
- The coxs'n, yes.
- And I shall sit next to him here.
- Aft.
- On the On the aft.
- Ohh (!) And, of course, I shall be in overall charge.
Now, I Move your legs, boy.
Right.
Now the oars.
Pass round the oars, Pike.
- Permission to speak, sir? I can do the oars.
- I've just detailed Pike to do that.
But I was a bit disappointed.
I thought I'd be the cock-swine.
Oh, all right.
Go on.
Thank you very much, sir.
Here you are, boys.
Here's the oars.
I want you to hold thehold the oars vertically, do you see? With the blades in the air.
That's it.
Not quite so high, Pike.
Down a bit.
Bring it down, boy.
That's right.
Balance it on your thwart.
Now, when I give the order ''Ship oars'', lower them down into the Rollocks! What did you say? - Rollocks.
- Ah, yes, of course.
Lower them down into the rowlocks.
- OK (!) - Go on, do it.
Go on.
Put them down.
Now Frazer will give you the command to catch.
Upon that, you sink the blades into the water.
On the command ''Pull'', you pull.
When he says ''Up'', youup.
And when he says ''Feather'', you Well, let's just try that, shall we? Blades back, boys.
Now, catch! Pull! Up! Feather! Catch! Pull! Up! Feather! - Catch! Pull! U - Hold it, hold it a moment.
Corporal? Corporal Jones! You're not keeping up with the others.
He may not be keeping up, but he ain't half giving the floor a good clean! Now, when I want to hold the boat quite still, I give the command ''Hold water''.
You got that? Hold water! Excuse me, sir? - Yes, Godfrey? - I could do a little rowing if it was needed.
Oh.
Thank you, Godfrey.
I think we'll carry on as we are at the moment.
- Right, come on.
Let's have another go.
- Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! Up! Feather.
Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! Up! Feather.
Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! Up! Feather! Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! Up! Feather! - Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! Up! Feather! - Excellent, men.
Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! Up! Feather.
- Good idea of mine, Frazer, to have a practice.
- Aye, it was indeed, sir.
Quite a few people watching, Wilson.
We're making a good impression.
Yes, sir, yes.
Awfully good, sir.
- Keep it up, son! Keep it up! - Yes, come on, Pike.
- You're throwing the stroke out.
- I can't help it, Mr Mainwaring.
I feel sick.
Nonsense! It's only the river.
It's calm as a millpond.
I still feel sick! Hold water! This is no time to be feeling sick.
Showing us up in front of the public.
- I can't help it, Mr Mainwaring.
- Get down to the bottom so nobody sees us.
- I shall have to take your place.
- Do you think that's wise? Here's an excellent opportunity for you to observe the correct procedure for walking about on a boat.
Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! Up! Feather.
Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! Captain Mainwaring? Permission to stop catching, upping, pulling and feathering, sir? It's getting a bit foggy, you know, sir.
Nonsense! Only a bit of sea mist.
Believe me, I know this stretch of water like the back of my hand.
Row to the mouth of the river and turn back.
Sir, it's getting awfully thick, you know.
I can hardly see to read.
Blimey, it ain't half coming up, sir.
Oh, all right.
Turn the boat round, Frazer.
Aye.
You - stop rowing! You, you two only.
Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! Up! Feather.
Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! Up! Feather.
Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! All together! Up! Feather.
- Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! That's got it.
- Are you sure you've turned this boat round? - Of course I've turned it round.
- Can you see the bank, Wilson? - I can't even see you.
- Look here You'd better come up here and relieve me so that I can concentrate on the navigation.
- Jonesy, if you don't mind - Pike, get in the bottom of the boat.
- Come on, boy.
- I'll be here in a minute.
- Oh! Uncle, you trod on me! - All right, Frank, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.
- I'll steer now.
- You don't know anything about a rudder! - Let me be the judge of that.
- Do you think that's wise? When I want your opinions, I'll ask for them.
Right, now, all pull together.
Come on.
Pu-u-u-ull! - Pu-u-u-ull! Put your back into it, Wilson.
- I'm doing my best.
It'll be dark soon and we won't see anything.
- It's not exactly crystal clear at the moment.
- That'll do.
Right.
Pu-u-u-ull! Pu-u-u-ull! Right, rest on your oars, men.
Well, thank goodness this mist has lifted.
We should be well upstream by now.
Can you see the bank, Frazer? I'm having nothing to do with this.
I wash my hands of the whole affair.
There's no need to sulk about it.
- Uncle Arthur? - What is it, Frank? - I feel awful.
Can I have a glass of water? - Don't be absurd, Frank.
- I haven't got a glass of water.
- Hang on, son.
I'll get you a drop of water.
No, no, Joe.
Mum won't let me drink river water.
It's full of germs.
Do you want a drink or don't you? There you go.
All right.
- What did you do that for? - I can't drink that! It's all salty! - What? - Salt?! - Blimey! It is! It's salt! - 'Ere, if it's salt, we're at sea.
We're at sea! Don't panic! Don't panic! - Come and sit down! - Sit down! - I thought you were a sailor, Frazer.
- It was you that took over the steering! All right, that'll do.
Now, be quiet while I think of what to do.
- Permission to speak, sir? - Yes? - Why don't we all shout ''Help''? - Yes, that might not be a bad idea.
Perhaps you ought to make it ''Ahoy''.
It sounds more urgent.
Yes, perhaps.
All right.
We'll all shout together, then.
Here we go.
(ALL) Ahoy! (ALL) Ahoy! - (ALL) Ahoy! - Ahoy! I don't think anyone heard us, sir.
If we could find the north, then row towards it, at least it takes us back to the shore.
Yes.
Yes, that's good thinking.
Where's the north, Frazer? Why ask me? You're the one that knows it all.
Take another look at the back of your hand (!) - Frazer! You're being extremely childish! - Ah! Now, anybody got any suggestions as to how we find the north? Well, moss grows on the north side of trees, if that helps.
It doesn't, Godfrey.
Sir, if you point the hour hand of your watch towards the sun and halve that between 12 o'clock, that points towards the south.
- It happens to be dark, Corporal.
- Perhaps point it towards the moon, sir? - No, no, different thing altogether.
- You've got to have the sun.
We used to find our way by that in the Sudan.
They've got a lot of sun out there.
Except at night.
We didn't get a lot of sun then.
No.
Well, perhaps we can find the North Star.
That might be a help.
Ah, you need the Great Bear for that.
That's a group of stars that is made like a milk saucepan, in that shape.
And then, opposite the handle, all the stars point towards the north.
So if it was a real milk saucepan, the part where you pour the milk out.
Hence the expression the Milky Way.
(GROANING) Walker I've rebuked you many times in the past for passing stupid remarks.
I'm glad to see that the gravity of the situation has not killed your lively Cockney humour.
Chaps like you are the backbone of England.
Yeah, well I was only trying to keep people cheerful.
Precisely.
It's very comforting to know that in a crisis like this we're all sticking together.
- Captain Mainwaring? - Hm? I'd like to apologise.
What you just said made me realise I've behaved very badly.
Thank you, Frazer.
Now perhaps you'll tell us where the north is.
- I can't.
- Why not? Because I don't bloody well know! Think I'd be sitting in this boat with you gang of stupid Sassenachs if I knew the way?! - What about the stars? - Ach, there's too much cloud.
Permission to speak, sir? If you get a piece of cotton with a needle on the end and hang it on top of the palm of your hand, that will swing towards the north.
You silly old duffer! That's for pregnant women! To tell if they're having a boy or a girl! Yeah, it's good for that an' all.
Little Sir Echo, how do you do? Uncle Arthur? What is it? I read a story in ''Hotspur'' about a group of men who were adrift for days in an open boat.
In the end, they got so hungry that they had to eat one of them.
They had to draw lots to find out which one.
- Who lost? - The captain.
You stupid boy! I don't think I'd like to eat Mr Mainwaring, Uncle Arthur.
- I know him too well.
- Don't be absurd.
Don't be so silly, Frank.
For heaven's sake.
Uncle Arthur? What is it? Do you think I'll go blind? What are you talking about? They say if you do it you'll go blind.
- Do what? - Drink sea water! You don't go blind drinking sea water.
You just go You just go mad instead.
- Do you think I'll go mad? - Oh, don't be silly! - The Ancient Mariner did.
- He drank rather more than you did.
- What sort of time is it, Wilson? - What? Oh, I'll just sit up a bit.
It's rather difficult down here.
Er, it's five o'clock.
Is it? Pay attention, men.
It'll be light soon.
We shall be spotted by a boat.
Yeah.
What happens if we're not spotted? - We're only in the English Channel, Walker.
- Suppose it's a German boat, sir? I don't want any of that sort of talk here.
There are no German boats in the English Channel.
Permission to speak, sir? I can hear voices that are not us, from over there.
(DISTANT CHEERING) There they are again, sir.
By Jove, you're right.
We can't be too far from the shore after all.
- Look, let's all shout together.
Ahoy.
- (WILSON) Do you think that's wise? - Please, Wilson.
- It just occurred to me, sir, that if we started to shout now they might mistake us for being Germans and shoot at us.
Yes.
Yes, that's good thinking, Sergeant.
I tell you what we'll do.
We'll row in very, very quietly.
When we get well inshore, all shout together so that they know we're British.
Permission to speak, sir? Why don't we muffle our rollocks so they don't hear them clanking? Good idea, Jonesy.
Excellent.
Did you find out about all that, sir? - Well, I - 'Ere, why don't we use our forage caps? There you are, sir.
That's how it's done.
All right.
Take your places.
Well done, men.
We've made it.
Now, listen.
When I say ''Go'', I want us all to shout together, as loud as we can, ''Ahoy there! We're British!'' Got that? Stand by.
(SINGING IN FRENCH) Permission to speak, sir? I don't think we're in England.
My God We must have drifted across the Channel.
Don't you think perhaps we ought to surrender? The Germans won't like this very much.
- I'll pretend I never heard that remark.
- It's the only sensible thing to do.
- We can't take on the entire German army.
- Can't we shove off again? No, that's no good, Walker.
It'll be light again soon.
We'll be spotted out on the open water, caught like rats in a trap.
There's only one thing to do.
We must creep ashore and hide until it's dark again.
Start taking off your boots.
(DISTANT SINGING) Keep as close into the wall as you can.
Ssh! - Captain Mainwaring, sir? - What, Godfrey? - Do you think I might be excused? - Certainly not! - We were an awful long time in the boat, sir.
- You should have taken advantage of it.
They'll spot us if we stay here much longer.
And my feet are killing me.
Look, there's a railway siding over there.
We'll go and hide in one of the trucks.
Come on.
Quick as you can.
Right, men.
Get into one of these trucks.
- Give us a light, mate.
- Sure.
(SINGING) Blimey, listen to that racket! It's been going on all night.
Some party, eh? They certainly can celebrate, those French-Canadian pilots.
- What's it in aid of? - They shot down their 50th Nazi plane.
- They hired the room over the pub.
- It's a wonder nobody's complained.
- Who'd complain after what they've done? - You're right there.
Good luck to them! - Come on.
'Ere you go.
- Well done, Godfrey.
- Right.
Everybody here? - Yes, sir.
Shut the door.
- Right.
Start putting your boots on.
- What'll you do next? That's the trouble.
We're going to hide up here until it gets dark again and then we'll try to find the boat.
- Hang on, we'll be here all day! - That's right.
- We shall starve, Mr Mainwaring.
- Oh, no, we shan't.
It won't do you any harm at all to go without food for an hour or two.
You eat too much as it is.
All right, now, settle down as best you can.
Let's get what rest we can.
The last time I saw Paris - Mr Mainwaring! - Yes? - What is it? - Permission to worry you, sir? - What is it, Corporal? - It's going diddle-a-dum, diddle-a-dum! - What is? - The train! It's moving! It's moving! Look, look.
Good heavens! We're in the heart of the country.
I can see treetops.
Good heavens! We must be in the middle of France! Don't panic! We're in France! Don't panic! - In the middle of France! The middle of France! - Be quiet, Corporal! - Don't do that! - Wilson? - Yes, sir? - Better immobilise our weapons at once.
We don't want them falling into enemy hands.
- Walker, open that door just a few inches.
- Right.
Take all the bolts out of your rifles.
Throw them out through the door.
- Take the butterfly spring out of that and lose it.
- Right, sir.
- We'll have to surrender after all, sir.
- Surrender? Of course we don't! We'll drop off one by one and make our way back to the coast.
- Oh, I see.
- In these uniforms they'll spot us in a minute.
Oh, no, they wouldn't.
Take your blouses off.
- Eh? - We've all got civilian shirts on underneath.
You just roll up your tunics and tuck them under your shirts.
- Do you think that's wise? - Just get on with it! - We could get shot as spies, sir.
- Oh, no, we won't.
Keep your forage caps in your pockets.
If the worst comes to the worst, put them on.
Believe you me, they won't be able to touch you.
Oh, Mr Mainwaring.
You're our inspiration, sir.
What would we do without you? We wouldnae be in this bloody awful mess to start with! Right, now, line up.
Come along.
Line up along here.
Well, men, we're in a very tricky spot.
But the situation isn't hopeless.
Every time the train stops, we're going to drop off, one by one, and make our way back to the coast.
From then on, it's up to every man to get across the Channel the best way he can.
Just before we part, I want to say thank you to you alland wish you good luck.
- Desmond.
- Goodbye, sir.
Chin up, chin up.
- Goodbye, Walker.
- Thank you, sir.
Good luck.
- Thank you.
Good luck, Frazer.
- Cheery-bye, sir.
Don't worry, Godfrey.
You stick with me.
I'll get you home.
- Goodbye, Mr Mainwaring, sir.
- Goodbye, Corporal.
- Well, Wilson, this is it.
- Yes.
- Steady! Hang on! - All right, sir! No need to overdo it! Right.
The train's stopped.
Corporal, you're the first.
Walker, open the door.
Wait a minute, sir! You're still wearing your hat! - Hang on.
It's a bit stiff.
- Right.
Shut it! Shut it! - We're at a station.
- I do hope that man didn't see us.
Of course he saw us! Don't be absurd! We'll have to bluff our way out of it.
What's the French for ''What is this station?'' Eh Qu'est-ce que c'est la gare? Qu'est-ce que c'est la gare? Fine.
Open it.
Bonjour, monsieur.
Qu'est-ce que c'estlala gare? Eh? Qu'est-ce que c'est la gare?! Oh, ah La gare est Eastbourne, actually.
- Eastbourne?! - Why are you speaking French? - Because we're Brit - Eastbourne?! - Eastbourne! - We're not in France! - What are you doing here? - Waiting for the 12.
30 to Walmington-on-Sea.
That's wonderful.
We can wait with him and be back in time for lunch.
We're not getting on any train, Wilson.
We're going back along that track to pick up those rifle bolts.
Start getting dressed.