Drawn Together (2004) s03e14 Episode Script
American Idol Best of Show
Announcer: tonight, toss your meds And shoot your shrink, Because your pitiful life Will finally be given meaning As you decide Which of these 8 assbags Will be banished from thedrawn togetherhouse Forever! One housemate will disappear Like a mexican woman's figure after marriage.
Tonight On the season finale ofdrawn together, The musical elimination special, Part 2: the musical elimination.
[Cheers and applause.]
Announcer: ladies and gentlemen, This happens now! Uhh.
Uhh.
ª one house ª to hold us all ª 8 different cartoon characters ª lettin' it all hang out ª before the one millio n cameras ª we'redrawn together ª yeah! ª [Clara holds note.]
Announcer: ladies and gentlemen, The jew producer! Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, you, the viewers, voted For your favorite musical housemate, And tonight, we will reveal Which one of you assholes Is going home.
So, captain hero-- It's pronouncedcapitan.
The "hero" is silent.
Ok.
Well, before you perform your song tonight, Let's all relive This creepy captain hero moment.
Captain hero, narrating: at last, it was the night of my big date With clara, and i wanted everything To go perfectly.
[Whap.]
Oh! Oh, shoot.
Ahh! A thousand pardons.
Allow me, milady.
Get off me! It was as if everything on the date That could have gone wrong did.
Oh, i have the worst luck.
Captain hero, take me home.
What? You're not having fun? You're making out with our waiter.
Shh! Don't be mean to him, Or he'll spit in our food.
Ohh! Announcer: ladies and gentlemen, Captain leslie hero! [Music begins.]
ª daisy ª daisy ª give me your answer, do ª i'm half crazy ª all for the love of you ª but you're gonna look so sweet ª upon the seat ª of a, a bicycle built for ª two-Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo- Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo [Applause.]
Captain hero, the votes are in.
And you are [Suspenseful music plays.]
Safe! Ahh! Oh, my god.
Thank you, america.
I love you So why shouldn't we have a fuckin' baby? Toot, you suck, And yet you keep returning.
How do you explain this phenomenon? Well, how do you explain your fugly face?! I was burned in a horrible accident.
It's pretty sad, actually.
[Sentimental piano music plays.]
Now, while toot gets ready To sing her clogged heart out, Let's take a look at some of our favorite moments With toot braunstein.
Come on.
Do me.
Do me.
You know you want it.
Sorry, my dear, But even a filthy, pathetic donkey Has standards.
Announcer: ladies and gentlemen, Toot braunstein.
ª for a moment like this ª some people wait a lifetime ª for a moment like this ª some people search forever ª for that one special kiss ª oh, i can't believe ª it's happening to me [Audience booing.]
ª some people wait a lifetime ªfor a moment You suck! ª like this Well, toot, The audience has spoken, And you are [Hums suspenseful music.]
Safe! You're goddamn right i'm safe, You fucking assbags! Announcer: when we return, We'll find out which one Of our 6 remaining contestant's dreams Will be totally ruined Like your mom's reputation After i bone her face.
[Applause.]
Everyone, welcome.
In accordance with captain girl' s wishes, We are burying her as a mormon.
Not because she was one, But because she hated mormons, And it would make her happy for us to bury one.
You may begin, reverend.
If you'll all turn in your books To page 134-- Ahem.
Ooga-Booga! Great space god! Magic lizard, come down from jupiter! [Sobbing.]
Producer: before we continue on with the results, Let's take a moment to remember Some of our family who we've lost Over this past season.
[Ave mariabegins.]
[Applause.]
[Applause quiets.]
[Light applause.]
[One person claps.]
[Light applause.]
ª ave maria [One person claps late, stops.]
[Applause.]
ª ave maria [2 people clap.]
[No applause.]
ª ahh [Applause.]
[Crowd muttering in shock.]
[Applause.]
[Cheering and applause.]
[Applause and gasping.]
[Applause and gasping.]
[Applause.]
[Goat bleats.]
[Applause.]
[Applause and gasping.]
Audience: ohh! I love references to dead celebrities Nobody cares about anymore.
Ha ha ha ha ha! [Coughs.]
aahh! May they all rot in hell.
All: amen! ª baby Wooldoor, why don't yo u tell the audience What you plan on singing tonight? I'm totally gonna rock some black chick's tongue.
Well, go get ready, and as you do, Let's watch wooldoor's journey Into the final 8.
Wooldoor, i'd like you to meet the cap'n.
So, frank says you've got a great big cock.
Really? May i see it? Ok.
[Zips.]
[Thud.]
Thank you, wooldoor.
Announcer: here he is, wooldoor sockbat.
ª what is this thing in my mouth? ª ª it's slippery, and it's slimy ª traveling down my slender virgin ª pink esophagus ª some black chick's tongue! ª it's such a new sensation! ª ª i got a mayonnaise mama on my lickin' hole ª and i've only just begun! ª Well, wooldoor, The audience has voted.
And you are Not safe! Aww.
Audience: aww.
[Sentimental piano music plays.]
[Snarling.]
Ling-Ling, You're a pretty popular fella.
Yes.
Yes, i am.
Well, i hope you're ready to sing Your little yellow heart out, But before you do, let's take a look At why you're so goddamn popular.
[Speaking japanese.]
I'll leave you 2 lovebirds alone.
I--What? W-What? Take off shirt! [Sobbing.]
[Sniffs.]
Ahh [Speaking japanese.]
Announcer: and now, ling-Ling! [Singing in japanese.]
ª kill kill kill kill ª die die die ª kill kill kill kill ª die die die ª kill kill kill kill ª die die die [Scatting.]
Nicely done.
Now let's see if the audience Has hung you out to drycleaners.
Ling-Ling, you are [Suspenseful music plays.]
Going to find out if you're safe or not After this commercial break.
Audience: aww.
Eh, fine.
You're safe.
Enjoy the commercials Without anything to look forward to, assholes.
Hmm.
"Popular comedy central toon cancelled.
" No.
Uh, ooh.
[Suspenseful music plays.]
What, are we still doing this? [Glass breaks, cat yowls.]
Xandir.
Your journey with the show Has been one of the most controversial In recent years, Most notably, the rumors Of your illicit affair withmoi.
Ew! Ecch, i wouldn't have sex With a jewish guy if you paid me.
Which, of course, you wouldn't.
Audience: ooh! So you're denying that anything Ever happened between us? But i loved you! [Sobs, cocks gun.]
[Gunshot.]
[Thud.]
Jew producer: oh, my god.
A stagehand got shot! What have i done? I can't live with myself.
[Gunshot.]
[thud.]
Oh, god! Another stagehand got shot.
Why is the world so cruel? [Gunshot.]
[thud.]
Ohh! [Gurgling.]
[Gunshot, splat.]
[thud.]
Announcer: the part of the jew producer Will now be played by ryan seacrest 'S former american idolco-Host, Bryan dunkleman.
Yeah! Bryan dunkleman is in the house.
That's right, the dunkey's back, And he's missed you, too, y'all! Now let's look at some clips Of xangir! Yeah, xangir! [Speaking japanese.]
I'll leave you 2 lovebirds alone.
I--What? W-What? Take off shirt! [Sobs.]
[Sniffs.]
Ahh [Speaking japanese.]
ª get ready to fire the load Come on! ª salty seamen ª in a submarine ª ready to fire the load ª heads up on the poop deck ª we got incoming male ª get ready to fire the load ª gonna fire the load ª fire the load Whoo, that was hot! Well, xandir, the votes are in.
And you are Not safe.
Ohh [laughter.]
Dunkleman, thinking: this isn't so hard.
Goddamn ryan seacrest.
What kind of a name is that anyway? Now, dunkleman, that's a name That means something.
Wait--Oh, what am i doing? I'm frozen.
Everyone's looking at me.
Heh.
This is harder than i thought.
Seacrest, he makes it look so easy.
[Groans.]
i deserve to get fired.
What kind of a name is dunkleman anyway? Now, ryan seacrest, that's a name.
[Clears throat.]
All right.
I guess spanky ham Will have to take care of this.
Uh, let's watch some clips of the hamster.
I don't mean a hamster.
You know what i mean.
Nailed it! [Playing bongos.]
Do you like how i sing my love song? Do you like vincent van gogh? I like to walk the streets at midnight.
I want you to know.
Nailed it.
Aw, look at me.
I'm a fuckin' mess.
Ryan seacrest was right.
I'm not a dunkleman.
I'm a dunkleboy.
So am i safe? Are any of us? Announcer: when we return, we'll learn Who won't be coming back next season.
But first, let's take a brief look At some of the best clips .
From last year's clip show Captain hero, dame rumor has it Your relationship with xandir Has continued since the show ended.
Oh, you've got it all wrong,habibi.
Xandir had an affair with tim tommerson, Not me.
[Laughing.]
Toot: whatever.
Oh, fine.
I'll prove it.
Tim! Xandir: [gasps.]
oh, my god.
Tim, i thought you loved me! Why would he love you When he could have all this? [Gasps.]
ohh.
You have something to say? Those ain't real! Check these out! Whoo-Woo! Audience: jewy! Jewy! Jewy! Announcer: when we return, We'll see some more stuff That you've already seen.
Wooldoor, narrating: i feared clara would keep me a cripple forever.
If only i could tell someone what she was doing.
Hey, clara.
Hey, wooldoor.
Clara's been poisoning--Mmf! What's that? Foxxy, Look behind you! It's denzel washington.
Denzel! Oh! Where did denzel go? I guess denzel Must-A have an appointment or something.
Denzel vury busy.
Uh, foxxy, look.
Denzel came back.
Denzel! Oh, i missed him again.
He move quickly.
Denzel in excellent physical condition.
Hey, i think wooldoor's Tryin' to communicate through blinkin'.
Look, foxxy! Denzel came back For an unbelievable third time! [Gasps.]
denzel! Hello there, foxxy.
Clara's trying to keep wooldoor-- Foxxy, look out in the hall.
It's another denzel washington With 2 penises! [Gasps.]
double-Dong denzel! Whoo! Welcome back To the only job i can get anymore.
[Hiccups.]
So, foxxy and clara, I hear you're gonna, like, sing together.
Uh-Huh! We the best pairing Of a black person and a racist, christian bitch Since danny glovers and mel gibson.
Ha ha! Heh heh heh heh heh.
You know, i actually thought that was kinda funny.
It's just that i've, uh-- I've forgotten how to laugh.
Baah Aiing--Aahh.
.
Eeehhh Aahh Ngaah Yehh Ohh.
[Playing guitars.]
ª mm-Hmm ª yeah, yeah, yeah ª la-La-La-La labia, baby ª you got somethin' ââ for me ª in your wizard's sleeve ª la-La-La-La labia, baby ª you got somethin' for me ª some sweet-Pea tea ª oochie-Coochie, gitchee-Gitchee ª yeah, yeah, yeah ª i gotta snatch it, gonna catchee-Atch ya ª yeah, yeah, yeah ª honey-Pot ª peachy-Pie Ticket to the y-Club.
ª ooh, la la la-La-La, labia ª labia for me ª yeah ª la-La-La la-La-La ª labia la-Bia ª some sweet-Pea tea you got somethin' ª la la-La labia ª la la-La labia, yeah ª baby! Baby! ª ª labi-- ª ª labia, my baby-Ah ª got something ª ooh, labia [Pfrrt.]
[Cheering and applause.]
Aww, let's just get through this.
Uh, foxxy, you are safe.
And, clara, you are All right, congratulations to all three of you For making it this far.
And now's the time when we have to say good-Bye To one of you forever.
And the evicted housemate is All right, stop this nonsense, jew producer.
Everybody knows you're not voting anybody off.
We've been here for 3 years.
We're all coming back.
How dare you! We'd never waste anyone's time And pull a fast one.
Ahem.
And the evicted housemate is Munchkin mouse.
[Gasps.]
not munchkin mouse! Well, i guess i should've expected As munch! Ha ha ha! Well, munchkin mouse, it's been a real pleasure Having you on the show since the very beginning.
And now, before you leave, Let's enjoy some of our favorite moments Of you on this show.
Please don't.
All right, well, that's how that ended, ok? Come on, everybody.
Let's do the dunkleman! [Music like the hustleplaying.]
[All sigh.]
ª do the dunkleman [Muttering.]
comedy central [Muttering japanese.]
Toot: hey, assholes, thanks for watching! [Kids laughing.]
[Speaking japanese.]
I'll leave you I--What? W-What? Take off shirt! [Sobbing.]
[Sniffs.]
Ahh [Speaking japanese.]
I'll leave you Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
Org--
Tonight On the season finale ofdrawn together, The musical elimination special, Part 2: the musical elimination.
[Cheers and applause.]
Announcer: ladies and gentlemen, This happens now! Uhh.
Uhh.
ª one house ª to hold us all ª 8 different cartoon characters ª lettin' it all hang out ª before the one millio n cameras ª we'redrawn together ª yeah! ª [Clara holds note.]
Announcer: ladies and gentlemen, The jew producer! Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, you, the viewers, voted For your favorite musical housemate, And tonight, we will reveal Which one of you assholes Is going home.
So, captain hero-- It's pronouncedcapitan.
The "hero" is silent.
Ok.
Well, before you perform your song tonight, Let's all relive This creepy captain hero moment.
Captain hero, narrating: at last, it was the night of my big date With clara, and i wanted everything To go perfectly.
[Whap.]
Oh! Oh, shoot.
Ahh! A thousand pardons.
Allow me, milady.
Get off me! It was as if everything on the date That could have gone wrong did.
Oh, i have the worst luck.
Captain hero, take me home.
What? You're not having fun? You're making out with our waiter.
Shh! Don't be mean to him, Or he'll spit in our food.
Ohh! Announcer: ladies and gentlemen, Captain leslie hero! [Music begins.]
ª daisy ª daisy ª give me your answer, do ª i'm half crazy ª all for the love of you ª but you're gonna look so sweet ª upon the seat ª of a, a bicycle built for ª two-Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo- Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo [Applause.]
Captain hero, the votes are in.
And you are [Suspenseful music plays.]
Safe! Ahh! Oh, my god.
Thank you, america.
I love you So why shouldn't we have a fuckin' baby? Toot, you suck, And yet you keep returning.
How do you explain this phenomenon? Well, how do you explain your fugly face?! I was burned in a horrible accident.
It's pretty sad, actually.
[Sentimental piano music plays.]
Now, while toot gets ready To sing her clogged heart out, Let's take a look at some of our favorite moments With toot braunstein.
Come on.
Do me.
Do me.
You know you want it.
Sorry, my dear, But even a filthy, pathetic donkey Has standards.
Announcer: ladies and gentlemen, Toot braunstein.
ª for a moment like this ª some people wait a lifetime ª for a moment like this ª some people search forever ª for that one special kiss ª oh, i can't believe ª it's happening to me [Audience booing.]
ª some people wait a lifetime ªfor a moment You suck! ª like this Well, toot, The audience has spoken, And you are [Hums suspenseful music.]
Safe! You're goddamn right i'm safe, You fucking assbags! Announcer: when we return, We'll find out which one Of our 6 remaining contestant's dreams Will be totally ruined Like your mom's reputation After i bone her face.
[Applause.]
Everyone, welcome.
In accordance with captain girl' s wishes, We are burying her as a mormon.
Not because she was one, But because she hated mormons, And it would make her happy for us to bury one.
You may begin, reverend.
If you'll all turn in your books To page 134-- Ahem.
Ooga-Booga! Great space god! Magic lizard, come down from jupiter! [Sobbing.]
Producer: before we continue on with the results, Let's take a moment to remember Some of our family who we've lost Over this past season.
[Ave mariabegins.]
[Applause.]
[Applause quiets.]
[Light applause.]
[One person claps.]
[Light applause.]
ª ave maria [One person claps late, stops.]
[Applause.]
ª ave maria [2 people clap.]
[No applause.]
ª ahh [Applause.]
[Crowd muttering in shock.]
[Applause.]
[Cheering and applause.]
[Applause and gasping.]
[Applause and gasping.]
[Applause.]
[Goat bleats.]
[Applause.]
[Applause and gasping.]
Audience: ohh! I love references to dead celebrities Nobody cares about anymore.
Ha ha ha ha ha! [Coughs.]
aahh! May they all rot in hell.
All: amen! ª baby Wooldoor, why don't yo u tell the audience What you plan on singing tonight? I'm totally gonna rock some black chick's tongue.
Well, go get ready, and as you do, Let's watch wooldoor's journey Into the final 8.
Wooldoor, i'd like you to meet the cap'n.
So, frank says you've got a great big cock.
Really? May i see it? Ok.
[Zips.]
[Thud.]
Thank you, wooldoor.
Announcer: here he is, wooldoor sockbat.
ª what is this thing in my mouth? ª ª it's slippery, and it's slimy ª traveling down my slender virgin ª pink esophagus ª some black chick's tongue! ª it's such a new sensation! ª ª i got a mayonnaise mama on my lickin' hole ª and i've only just begun! ª Well, wooldoor, The audience has voted.
And you are Not safe! Aww.
Audience: aww.
[Sentimental piano music plays.]
[Snarling.]
Ling-Ling, You're a pretty popular fella.
Yes.
Yes, i am.
Well, i hope you're ready to sing Your little yellow heart out, But before you do, let's take a look At why you're so goddamn popular.
[Speaking japanese.]
I'll leave you 2 lovebirds alone.
I--What? W-What? Take off shirt! [Sobbing.]
[Sniffs.]
Ahh [Speaking japanese.]
Announcer: and now, ling-Ling! [Singing in japanese.]
ª kill kill kill kill ª die die die ª kill kill kill kill ª die die die ª kill kill kill kill ª die die die [Scatting.]
Nicely done.
Now let's see if the audience Has hung you out to drycleaners.
Ling-Ling, you are [Suspenseful music plays.]
Going to find out if you're safe or not After this commercial break.
Audience: aww.
Eh, fine.
You're safe.
Enjoy the commercials Without anything to look forward to, assholes.
Hmm.
"Popular comedy central toon cancelled.
" No.
Uh, ooh.
[Suspenseful music plays.]
What, are we still doing this? [Glass breaks, cat yowls.]
Xandir.
Your journey with the show Has been one of the most controversial In recent years, Most notably, the rumors Of your illicit affair withmoi.
Ew! Ecch, i wouldn't have sex With a jewish guy if you paid me.
Which, of course, you wouldn't.
Audience: ooh! So you're denying that anything Ever happened between us? But i loved you! [Sobs, cocks gun.]
[Gunshot.]
[Thud.]
Jew producer: oh, my god.
A stagehand got shot! What have i done? I can't live with myself.
[Gunshot.]
[thud.]
Oh, god! Another stagehand got shot.
Why is the world so cruel? [Gunshot.]
[thud.]
Ohh! [Gurgling.]
[Gunshot, splat.]
[thud.]
Announcer: the part of the jew producer Will now be played by ryan seacrest 'S former american idolco-Host, Bryan dunkleman.
Yeah! Bryan dunkleman is in the house.
That's right, the dunkey's back, And he's missed you, too, y'all! Now let's look at some clips Of xangir! Yeah, xangir! [Speaking japanese.]
I'll leave you 2 lovebirds alone.
I--What? W-What? Take off shirt! [Sobs.]
[Sniffs.]
Ahh [Speaking japanese.]
ª get ready to fire the load Come on! ª salty seamen ª in a submarine ª ready to fire the load ª heads up on the poop deck ª we got incoming male ª get ready to fire the load ª gonna fire the load ª fire the load Whoo, that was hot! Well, xandir, the votes are in.
And you are Not safe.
Ohh [laughter.]
Dunkleman, thinking: this isn't so hard.
Goddamn ryan seacrest.
What kind of a name is that anyway? Now, dunkleman, that's a name That means something.
Wait--Oh, what am i doing? I'm frozen.
Everyone's looking at me.
Heh.
This is harder than i thought.
Seacrest, he makes it look so easy.
[Groans.]
i deserve to get fired.
What kind of a name is dunkleman anyway? Now, ryan seacrest, that's a name.
[Clears throat.]
All right.
I guess spanky ham Will have to take care of this.
Uh, let's watch some clips of the hamster.
I don't mean a hamster.
You know what i mean.
Nailed it! [Playing bongos.]
Do you like how i sing my love song? Do you like vincent van gogh? I like to walk the streets at midnight.
I want you to know.
Nailed it.
Aw, look at me.
I'm a fuckin' mess.
Ryan seacrest was right.
I'm not a dunkleman.
I'm a dunkleboy.
So am i safe? Are any of us? Announcer: when we return, we'll learn Who won't be coming back next season.
But first, let's take a brief look At some of the best clips .
From last year's clip show Captain hero, dame rumor has it Your relationship with xandir Has continued since the show ended.
Oh, you've got it all wrong,habibi.
Xandir had an affair with tim tommerson, Not me.
[Laughing.]
Toot: whatever.
Oh, fine.
I'll prove it.
Tim! Xandir: [gasps.]
oh, my god.
Tim, i thought you loved me! Why would he love you When he could have all this? [Gasps.]
ohh.
You have something to say? Those ain't real! Check these out! Whoo-Woo! Audience: jewy! Jewy! Jewy! Announcer: when we return, We'll see some more stuff That you've already seen.
Wooldoor, narrating: i feared clara would keep me a cripple forever.
If only i could tell someone what she was doing.
Hey, clara.
Hey, wooldoor.
Clara's been poisoning--Mmf! What's that? Foxxy, Look behind you! It's denzel washington.
Denzel! Oh! Where did denzel go? I guess denzel Must-A have an appointment or something.
Denzel vury busy.
Uh, foxxy, look.
Denzel came back.
Denzel! Oh, i missed him again.
He move quickly.
Denzel in excellent physical condition.
Hey, i think wooldoor's Tryin' to communicate through blinkin'.
Look, foxxy! Denzel came back For an unbelievable third time! [Gasps.]
denzel! Hello there, foxxy.
Clara's trying to keep wooldoor-- Foxxy, look out in the hall.
It's another denzel washington With 2 penises! [Gasps.]
double-Dong denzel! Whoo! Welcome back To the only job i can get anymore.
[Hiccups.]
So, foxxy and clara, I hear you're gonna, like, sing together.
Uh-Huh! We the best pairing Of a black person and a racist, christian bitch Since danny glovers and mel gibson.
Ha ha! Heh heh heh heh heh.
You know, i actually thought that was kinda funny.
It's just that i've, uh-- I've forgotten how to laugh.
Baah Aiing--Aahh.
.
Eeehhh Aahh Ngaah Yehh Ohh.
[Playing guitars.]
ª mm-Hmm ª yeah, yeah, yeah ª la-La-La-La labia, baby ª you got somethin' ââ for me ª in your wizard's sleeve ª la-La-La-La labia, baby ª you got somethin' for me ª some sweet-Pea tea ª oochie-Coochie, gitchee-Gitchee ª yeah, yeah, yeah ª i gotta snatch it, gonna catchee-Atch ya ª yeah, yeah, yeah ª honey-Pot ª peachy-Pie Ticket to the y-Club.
ª ooh, la la la-La-La, labia ª labia for me ª yeah ª la-La-La la-La-La ª labia la-Bia ª some sweet-Pea tea you got somethin' ª la la-La labia ª la la-La labia, yeah ª baby! Baby! ª ª labi-- ª ª labia, my baby-Ah ª got something ª ooh, labia [Pfrrt.]
[Cheering and applause.]
Aww, let's just get through this.
Uh, foxxy, you are safe.
And, clara, you are All right, congratulations to all three of you For making it this far.
And now's the time when we have to say good-Bye To one of you forever.
And the evicted housemate is All right, stop this nonsense, jew producer.
Everybody knows you're not voting anybody off.
We've been here for 3 years.
We're all coming back.
How dare you! We'd never waste anyone's time And pull a fast one.
Ahem.
And the evicted housemate is Munchkin mouse.
[Gasps.]
not munchkin mouse! Well, i guess i should've expected As munch! Ha ha ha! Well, munchkin mouse, it's been a real pleasure Having you on the show since the very beginning.
And now, before you leave, Let's enjoy some of our favorite moments Of you on this show.
Please don't.
All right, well, that's how that ended, ok? Come on, everybody.
Let's do the dunkleman! [Music like the hustleplaying.]
[All sigh.]
ª do the dunkleman [Muttering.]
comedy central [Muttering japanese.]
Toot: hey, assholes, thanks for watching! [Kids laughing.]
[Speaking japanese.]
I'll leave you I--What? W-What? Take off shirt! [Sobbing.]
[Sniffs.]
Ahh [Speaking japanese.]
I'll leave you Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
Org--