Empty Nest (1988) s03e14 Episode Script

Life goes on, and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery One by one we fill the days We find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine, I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on ah.
Now, here's an evening of good family entertainment, huh? The sound of music is coming back to town! Forget that, daddy.
Look at this.
Judgment on nuremberg on ice.
Brian boitano as Ernst janning.
You know, I shouldn't really make any plans until I find out about that new assignment I applied for.
What new assignment? To be the police liaison to the mayor's commission on women's issues.
Wow, Barbara! That sounds like a very prestigious job! It is, and, daddy, the word is I'm the frontrunner.
Not only am I a good cop, but I have seniority and I'm practically the only eligible woman in the department.
So, daddy, should I call ticketmaster? Hold off on that, dear.
Oh, good.
You're all here.
Because the dietzter's got something to show you.
All: No! I'm gonna take that as a yes.
Charley, you got a tattoo! How could you desecrate your body that way? Easy.
I was blotto.
Plus, it was the only way I could get this "Pamela" babe into bed.
Well, Charley, I hope it was worth it.
You're gonna have to live with that tattoo for the rest of your life.
What? Didn't they tell you that when they gave it to you? It's all kinda blurry, Harry.
I just remember vomiting a lot.
Well, I'm done with breakfast.
Frank? Laverne.
Doctor needs his usual sorry-it-didn't-work-out- between-us carnations.
No, frank, I wouldn't say his datin' life is in the toilet.
I'd say it's No, toilet pretty much sums it up.
All right, my dear.
Bye-bye.
Call me any time you need me.
Okay, Laverne, if that's it for the morning, I'm going to lunch.
I'm sorry, doctor.
We've had an unscheduled walk-in.
Famous child evangelist.
Room one.
- Timmy Moses? - Tiny Timmy Moses.
The tiny Timmy Moses.
He's big.
He's told more people they are goin' to hell than any other eight-year-old in America today.
Really? What's his problem? Well, I guess they's just too much sin in the world for his likin'.
No, I mean, why is he here? - Oh, laryngitis.
- Thank you.
Hi, Timmy.
Mrs.
Moses.
I'm Dr.
Weston.
Laverne tells me you lost your voice, huh? Well, I guess it hurts a little bit.
Let me take a look in there.
Can you open wide and say "ah"? Ah.
Can you say "amen"? Amen.
Oh.
You know, just open wide and don't say anything.
Let me take a little look, all right? Let me see.
Let me see.
Ah.
Well, I don't see any signs of infection.
You know what I think? I think you've just overused your voice.
So, this is what you're gonna have to do here.
You just gargle with some warm salt water, and no preaching.
For a little while anyway.
For how long, Dr.
Weston? Timmy has a very important revival on the 18th.
He's headlining in the main tent.
Ooh, well don't worry.
If you follow my advice, he's gonna be all better by then.
Thank you, doctor.
Timmy'll say a prayer for ya.
Thank you.
A silent one.
Bye-bye, dear.
You call me in a couple of days.
Oh, yes, I will.
All right, Laverne.
Dr.
Weston is now Going to lunch.
Uh, wait, doctor, um We need to have a talk.
Oh.
What is it? Well, it's about the wretched damn mess you have made of your love life.
I beg your pardon? It's about the wretched damn mess you have made Laverne, I heard what you said.
Well, the truth is I feel sort of guilty.
For 2 1/2 years I've been sitting here on my duff while you have wallowed in a sea of datin' ineptitude.
What are you talking about? Doctor, you are lookin' at a matchmaker with a perfect record! Oh, I see.
No, thank you.
I appreciate the thought.
Not necessary.
Okay, now, I need to ask you a few questions here.
What is your favorite form of precipitation? Hail.
Uh-huh.
Free associate with the word "mule.
" - Laverne - I resent that.
No, no, no, no.
I'm Donald o'Connor.
That's better.
Now, we need to be scientific here.
If a Wolverine was a-chasin' you, would you tend to run east or west? Laverne, please, no more questions.
I am going to lunch! I have a date! Now you can see I am perfectly capable of finding a suitable woman.
That reminds me, that suitable woman just phoned and canceled.
She claims she has five separate and distinct personalities and four of them hate your guts.
Anne, I'm so glad you introduced yourself to me today.
Well, I've wanted to for a while, but I'm still pretty new on the force, and I figured, anyone with your personality and looks must have more friends than she knows what to do with.
Well, you can never have too many friends.
Thought I'd heard someone down here.
Barbie Barb, aren't you going to introduce me to your little playmate? This is my sister Carol.
Hi, I'm Anne Caldwell.
Barbara and I work together.
Oh, really? That's odd.
I thought I knew all Barbara's friends on the force.
Come on, Anne.
I'll show you the rest of my back-scratcher collection.
It's such an unusual thing to collect, Barbara.
You really are an original.
Lucky Barbara.
She found a new friend.
But I've always got you, dreyfuss.
Let me tell you about my day.
And this one I got in Chinatown on my trip to New York.
- Cute! - Oh, this one is so cool.
It's musical.
You wind it up and it plays my boyfriend's back.
Oh.
What an incredible collection.
This is so much fun, Barbara.
We really should get together more often.
But you probably won't have a lot of time for the little people like me once you get that job on the mayor's commission.
Of course I will.
If I get it.
This one is all the way from Canada.
Oh, but you're gonna get the job.
Everybody knows that.
You're obviously the most qualified.
No one else even comes close.
Well so, have you thought about what you'd like to accomplish on the commission? Oh, yeah.
You see, I think it's time we realized that women's issues are really people issues.
Like daycare.
I, uh I thought Anne might like a snack.
Thank you! So, Barbara, who actually decides who gets this position? One of the mayor's assistants interviews everybody next week and then he decides.
Hmm.
And this assistant, have you scoped him out? Do you know what he's like? Yeah, I've heard a lot about him.
I know his name is Jerry hartman.
Hmm.
Married? Single? Married.
And I think his wife is in Barbara, Barbara, how you do go on.
I'm sure you're boring Anne silly.
Not at all.
You know, Barbara, I wish I had your self-confidence.
I would be afraid to even apply for a job like that.
They'd probably laugh me off the force.
Come on.
From what I've heard, you've come up through the ranks really fast.
So you must be pretty good at what you do.
I'll say.
Well, I really should be going.
I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
My god, Barbara! What is wrong with you? What did I do? Don't you recognize a manipulator when you see one? Have you learned nothing at all in your 28 years as my sister? What are you talking about? I am talking about the way that Anne was working you.
It's obvious she is after the same position you are.
Carol, that is ridiculous! Barbara, wake up! Didn't you see the way she was pumping you for information? You don't think she really came here to see your stupid backscratchers.
Damn it! I can't believe how stupid I am! Let me guess.
Might this have something to do with our new best friend Anne? Can you believe it? Not only did she apply for the job, but she got past the initial interview.
She's been on the force for seven months! Do you know where she is right now? Having dinner with the man who makes the final decision? No.
That's tomorrow night.
Tonight she's going shopping with his wife.
Uh, she's good.
For six years I have busted my butt on the force and this suck-up comes out of nowhere, picks my brain and now has a good chance of getting my job! Oh, poor, sweet, naive Barbara.
You thought you could get ahead by hard work and dedication.
Yeah, well.
I'll beat her at her own game.
It takes being a snake to get ahead? I can crawl on my belly with the lowest of them.
Carol, teach me how.
Sister! Stick with me, Barbara, you'll have your phd.
In manipulation in no time.
Now, we've covered pouting, whining, the fine art of acting helpless.
Uh, Barbara, you should really put those groceries away before the ice-cream melts.
I'd do it myself, but.
I know.
Your tennis elbow.
Now Carol, do you really think this manipulation stuff works? Why do you think you're putting away the groceries? Wow! You're like a real master at this! This is like in that movie the karate kid.
You know, where the real old guy teaches the cute young kid all those tricks? Wax on.
Wax off.
Wax Barbara! Now, you're going to be working at a disadvantage because you've already blabbed so much to Anne.
So, what else do you know about the guy making the final decision? Well, he went to school at Indiana.
Perfect! Pretend you're a big fan.
I can do that! "How about those hoosiers?" Great.
Now, what else? - He's on a diet.
- Excellent.
You're gonna want your meeting to be the first one after lunch, while he's still in the Rosie afterglow of food.
I can't do it.
They want me there at 4:00.
Well, call his secretary and tell her to change the meeting to 1:00.
I don't know.
Why don't you tell them that it conflicts with your volunteer work at the orphans home? Come on, Carol! Nobody buys that stuff! Oh, no? And how do you think I got out of doing the dishes every Sunday dinner? But it's different.
You had choir practice down at - Not fair! - Yes! Anyway, lurlene, doctor is out on a lunch date with his "perfect soul mate" thanks to my match-makin'.
Well, of course I swung the rock counter-clockwise.
I'm a professional.
Oh, here come the love birds now.
I've gotta go.
- Both: Oh! - Excuse me.
Sorry again.
Sorry.
Oh, please, go on Well, it's been great, hasn't it? Great.
Both: Well all right.
Bye-bye oh This is something Sorry.
Thank you.
Oh.
Well That was painful to watch.
I don't know.
I have been match-makin' all my life and nothin' like that has ever happened.
What a disaster.
I stood, she sat.
I turned left, she turned right! I'm black and blue! Could've been such a wonderful date too.
And it was raining out.
I love the rain.
It's so romantic.
You love the rain? Well, where do you stand on the hail? I can take it or leave it! Well, just wait a minute here, buster doctor.
When I asked you the other day, you told me that hail was your favorite form of precipitation.
I wasn't paying attention! I just said something that came out of my face! Well, a little thing like that can throw the whole formula off! Now I've gotta recalculate everything! Please Don't bother, please! Doctor's office.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Moses.
How's Timmy? Oh.
Oh, seems Timmy has suffered a terrible setback vocal cord-wise.
He watched some blasphemers on Geraldo.
Well, tell him to gargle and watch something else.
Who's on Oprah? Wife-swappin' bigamists.
Well, tell him "forget TV" and ask him if he wants three tickets to judgment on nuremberg on ice.
Ooh, with Brian boitano? Hi, I'm Barbara Weston.
Mr.
hartman will be with you in a moment.
He's in with another interview right now.
Oh, I thought I was gonna be the first appointment after lunch.
You were, but the other candidate needed to reschedule so she could donate blood for the Lithuanian flood victims.
Thanks again for your time, Jerry.
And thank you for sharing ideas on daycare with me.
Well, like I said.
I think it's time we realized that women's issues are really people's issues.
Barbara! Don't you look sharp today? Hi, Anne.
Well, see you soon, Jerry.
And give my best to Linda and the boys.
Will do.
Good luck.
You must be Barbara Watkins.
- Weston.
- Weston.
So I see you went to school in Indiana.
- Yeah.
- How about those hoosiers? - Are you an Indiana fan? - Are you kidding? I think Bobby knight is the best basketball coach that ever lived! Come on.
Did you see that Kentucky game? Unbelievable! Hey, Harry.
I would like you to meet my fiancee Pamela.
The woman who will be by my side for the rest of my life.
Wanna get me a beer? Well, it's a great pleasure.
Charley, you're getting married? Sometimes, fate steps in and makes your choices for you.
You know, it's funny.
A couple of days ago, I though this tattoo was gonna work against me.
Wait a minute.
Charley.
Charley.
You're gonna marry this woman because you have her name tattooed on your arm? Yeah.
Anyway, I promised her the whole ball of wax, you know.
The house in the suburbs, the white-picket fence.
The station wagon, the kids.
It's the American dream, Harry! And it's coming true for the future Mr.
and Mrs.
Charley dietz.
This is weird, but I guess Congratulations are in order.
- Thanks, Harry.
- Sure thing.
And to think I owe it all to this baby.
Hey, look.
It's fading.
Well, maybe the guy didn't have enough ink in his needle.
What needle? The needle he used when he gave you the tattoo.
Uh, I hate needles.
This baby's pure magic marker.
Charley, all you have to do to get rid of that is just scrub it off.
You mean I don't have to live with this for the rest of my life? Right.
Or this? Pam, scram.
Good-bye.
Whoo! Good thing we didn't get married.
She's got a temper.
Not what you think.
Hi.
Hi, sweetheart.
Did you get the job? No, they gave it to Anne Caldwell instead.
What about all those things we rehearsed? What about those hoosiers? Carol, I tried to do that stuff, but I just couldn't go through with it.
Did learn something pretty important about life, though.
You know what you become when you start kissing butt like that? A butt kisser! Oh, Barbara Weston is no butt kisser.
If I get ahead, it's gonna be on my own honest terms.
I can't believe someone like Anne is gonna be so successful.
Oh, honey.
Come here.
I'm still real proud of you, you know? C'mon, you remained true to yourself, showed a lot of integrity and if this Anne person could get ahead on her own ability, she wouldn't have to kiss Stuff.
Daddy, Barbara is not the only one who's Who's suffered a terrible blow today.
I taught her how to be manipulative and she failed.
What does that say about me, daddy? Honey, don't take it so personally.
Carol, you're a wonderful suck-up.
This is not fair.
Not only does she take my job but I have to watch her move into her new office.
Should've been my office.
Those should've been my filing cabinets.
My chair.
My plant.
My Thingamajig you put on the desk so when you write it doesn't hurt the finish.
- Anne.
- Jerry, hi! - Hey, great tie.
- Yeah.
Anne, where is the daycare report? You promised me I'd have it by this morning! Let's talk about that in my office, shall we? Now, my butt's on the line here! Maybe Anne can kiss it and make it better.
Jerry, I don't know what's wrong with me lately! II think I might be coming down with something.
And I'm under so much stress! Well, I don't wanna hear it! I just want that report by the end of the day! Boy, I really blew it this time.
You must hate me.
I don't blame you.
I'm such a screw-up! Well, we all make mistakes.
I'd really like to be friends again.
I don't know.
Oh, god! I don't know how I can write this report when I'm this upset! You're so smart, Barbara.
I bet you could do it in a minute.
You're right! I could! Bye.
Okay.
I have found your perfect and revised soul mate.
Stop, Laverne, with the match-making.
Come on.
Oh, hi, Timmy! How you doing? His voice is back, doctor.
Just in time for the revival meeting.
Oh, that's great news! I'm so glad to hear it.
I mean, I knew that okay, Laverne.
Where's that perfect man you've been telling me about? Hi, I'm Harry.
Michelle.
Michelle.
That's a beautiful name.
Oh.
Thank you.
Would you like to yes.
Fornicator! What? Who - Fornicator! - Wait.
Wait a minute.
- Just a minute.
- Fornicator! Wait! You