Everybody Loves Raymond s03e14 Episode Script

There he is.
There's my boy! You two like to be alone? So Raymond, three more days before your birthday, huh? Getting excited? Yeah, one year closer to looking like this.
Well, just make sure I can find you at 8:46 to give you your birth-minute kiss.
You always find me, Ma.
But don't be in the shower this time.
That was awkward.
Hey, Ma, how about this picture of me at my first birthday party? Oh yes, dear, look, you're so adorable.
Yeah, big smile, face full of cake, so happy.
You weren't around yet.
There was no party.
We just smeared chocolate on your face and took the picture.
- Frank! - What's he talking about, Ma? Well, you see, dear, little babies really don't have any idea it's their birthday.
They're too dumb.
So we took a picture, so we'd have something to show you when you got older.
What about this picture of Raymond on his first birthday? Looks like he's having a party.
Well, of course, Raymond had a party.
What?! Let me tell you what I learned about children, dear.
See, with the first one, you might make a couple of mistakes.
But if you're sensitive.
You don't make the same ones with the second child.
Can we please put on the heat? It's too expensive.
I'm freezing, Frank.
What is it with you? We all have to get pneumonia so you can save 3c? You know, most of the body's heat escapes through the head.
So you might want to seal up any large openings.
I'm cold too.
Oh you cupcake! Why don't you go back to your house? There's kids there.
Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Snuggling for body warmth.
Putting on the heat! Don't get too comfortable there.
What is that sound? It's like rattling.
I know it's rattling, Columbo.
Where's it coming from? Where your heart should be.
It's coming from the vent in here.
Here it is.
Spiders, look out for spiders.
Hey.
Oh, God, you're kidding me.
What is it, Raymond? It's a Steel City Beer bottle cap.
Man, I haven't seen one of these since high school.
Frank, what are you doing throwing bottle caps in there? It wasn't me.
I never drink that stuff.
- Well then, where did it come from? - I can tell you that.
I remember one week when you and Dad went to Florida.
Hey, Billy Canning, you spaz.
Hey, here, man.
Hey, hee.
Hey, Dizzy, cool fiesta.
- I know, right, man? - Yeah.
It worked out.
Hey, here's that part.
Oh, your milk.
Hey, thanks.
Oh, ooh.
Hey, check it out.
Check it out.
- Whoa! - Ha-ha! - Right in.
- Diz the whiz! Yes, sir, Dominique.
You had a party in my house? Not a party.
Fiesta.
You drank? Ma, it was 20 years ago.
And I'm just finding out about it now? Was that the only party? Uh Oh my God! What else did you lie to me about? Did you smoke? At that party? Oh my God.
Did you smoke? Smoke what? Oh my God! Oh! - Come on, Ma, what? - This is how I raised you? Didn't I tell you not to smoke? How many times did I tell you not to smoke, or drink, or do anything? And how many times have you lied to me? This was the one time.
It's another lie.
You lied to your mother.
Everybody lied to their mother.
I don't care about everybody else.
You're my son.
I trusted you.
And every day that you pretended to be a good boy you were lying to me.
All right, Ma, I was.
What do you want me to say, Ma? Nothing.
I don't want you to say anything.
Ma.
I, for one, am shocked and disappointed.
Ew! Ray! My birthday.
All right, okay.
If you're sure that's the one special thing you want to do today.
No, no, no.
No, no, that's not it.
By the way, that one special thing we're doing it twice.
Happy Birthday, Ray.
You wanted skis, right? It's funny.
Big skis, small box.
Tell you what? I'll keep the gift and return the joke.
So, Ma, how are you? I'm fine.
All right, come on, let's go.
Let out any of that anger you've got built up in there.
I'm not angry.
Hurt, confused, disillusioned maybe.
Stop overreacting, Marie.
So he did a little rebelling when he was a kid.
What rebelling? I never gave him anything to rebel against.
Oh, yeah.
You had a nice childhood, do you hear me? Nice, nurturing and nice.
I was a good mother.
She's nuts.
Yeah, and water's wet.
You know, I never told you this but I used to think of you as kind of a weak little mamma's boy.
You told me that.
Well, not anymore.
Now I see you're a troublemaker.
I'm a troublemaker too.
- Yeah? - Oh, yeah.
All right, I'm going in here now.
During the war I found this freak show in Korea where the star attraction Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? Swapping stories with you.
Diz the whiz! All right.
All right.
So, what's with you, Goofy? Come on, you know what part of my birthday is coming up.
- No, no, no, no, no! - That's right.
It's time for Debra who feels too guilty to turn down Ray on his birthday.
Woo-hoo! Well, all right then.
Ha-ha! You know, I have to say, Ray, I am really proud of you.
'Cause I thought you'd be obsessing now about what your mom thinks about you.
And you don't even care she didn't give you your birth-minute kiss this year.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Huh? What time is it? I don't know, You're right, she didn't give me my birth-minute kiss.
Every year.
Yeah, but you're okay about it now.
You grew up and you realized you didn't need it, right? Right.
- I'm sorry.
- What?! I can't do this, if my mother hasn't kissed me.
- Hey, Ma.
- Hi, dear, are you h What? What? You were gonna say are you hungry, right? Just a habit, like smoking.
Hey, look, I'm wearing that sweater you got me.
Good thing too 'cause it's freezing in here.
That Dad, isn't he horrible? So is that cake for me? 'Cause you feel bad about not helping Debra with mine.
That Debra, isn't she a terrible cook? - I'll take some of that - Not for you.
All right, look, I'm sorry about you know.
I'm sorry I got you mad.
Uh and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about all the bad stuff I did.
And I'm sorry that I did all the bad stuff, so - okay? - No.
You're just saying that to make me be happy.
All right, look, don't be happy.
Just be the way that you were.
Beer me, Marie.
Hey, Diz the whiz.
If I were you I'd be careful.
This one's a troublemaker.
Come on, Ma, you've got to get over this.
Dad likes me too much.
Excuse me.
All right, look, I'm sorry.
I'm not your good little boy anymore, I'm sorry.
So am I.
- Hey.
- Robby! Oh, Robby! - What? What? - Just so happy to see you.
Oh, you brought your laundry.
Good, honey.
Is this everything? - No, that's the socks and underwear.
- Oh.
The rest is in the patrol car.
Come here, come here.
Sit down, sit down.
Are you hungry? I'll have whatever Raymond's having.
He isn't having anything.
And I made you your favorite.
Steak and macaroni and cheese and ham Alfredo.
Lay it on me, Mamacita.
Anything happen at work today, dear? - Robert? - Oh, me? - Yeah.
- No.
I always want to hear about your job.
Oh, come on.
I'm talking to your brother.
Oh well, let's see.
Well, yesterday I spent all day catching up on the paperwork.
And then today I find out that the city issued new forms.
Now I have to spend a whole other day filling out the new paperwork.
That's terrific.
New forms.
All right, what the hell is going on here? What do you mean, dear? All this nice.
Yeah, come on, stop it, Ma.
You're freaking him out.
What, I can't just be happy to see you? - I've got a surprise for you.
- Yeah, what? You're gonna bring Dad out? He's written a song about me? Better.
- Happy first birthday.
- Oh my God! I always felt bad about skipping your first birthday.
So, ta-da! I love you.
Thanks, Ma.
I love you too.
Yeah, now turn over, she'll powder your ass.
I'm gonna start your laundry and then you and I are gonna have a piece of your cake.
Ah! Can I cut you a piece to go, Ray? Yeah, just so you know, that's my cake, okay? She actually made it for my birthday.
Huh, for your birthday.
Okay, let's see "Happy Birthday Robby.
" So what is that like a typo? Come on, you know she's just trying to make me feel guilty for that high school party I had.
Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond.
You know, I sort of feel a little sorry for you, cubby, I really do Get outta here! Get outta here.
Look at you, huh? Your whole life, you've always been Mom's favorite, right? It's always been 75% you, 25% me.
What do you got? A pie chart? No pie.
Cake.
And it appears the numbers have changed.
Well good.
Good, congratulations.
You get more her.
Yeah, and it's killing you, huh mamma's boy? I am not a mamma's boy.
Not anymore.
Okay, it's cake time.
Where's the other one? He said some mean things, then took off.
Don't listen to him.
Don't listen to him, honey.
Oh, this is great.
Should we get Dad? Why ruin it? Here you go.
This is nice, isn't it? Oh, very nice.
Okay.
Mmm, good? Mmm, yeah.
It's a nice blouse.
Thank you.
Where'd you get it? I don't know.
Bloomingdale's.
- How about that, huh? - Mm-hmm.
They've got blouses now, huh? Yeah, sure, dear, all kinds.
Huh! - Milk? - Mmm, please.
Okay, be right back.
Oh, look at that.
Raymond tracked in dirt on the floor.
You think you know a person I don't know, Ma.
I think that's been there.
Don't try to defend him.
- How's your cake? - It's great.
Poor Raymond.
You know, Ma, he's really not that bad.
How do we know what he is? Eat your cake.
Hey, you're really on his case, huh, Ma? I've never seen you like this before.
I mean, would you be this mad at me if it had been my party back in high school? What? Ma, I'm just saying you seem to be so mad Wait a minute.
Are you saying it was your party? What? What did I say? - Oh my God, it was your party.
- It wasn't.
All right, Robert, please.
No more no more lies.
- It's not a lie.
- No, no, no, no! I see now! Raymond said it was his party to keep you from getting into trouble.
- And you let him! - No, no! Oh, he lied to protect you.
I knew my Raymond was a good boy! I knew I was a good mother.
I need to talk to Raymond.
Let's do this again sometime.
Raymond, dear Hey.
- Robert just told me.
- Told you what? That it was his party.
- He he huh? - Yeah.
It was such a nice thing that you did to cover for your brother like that.
He told you it was his party? Here's your cake, sweetie.
The world makes sense again.
Is this for me? - Oh, you deserve 10 cakes.
- Yeah, but, but You made up that whole story just to protect your brother? I didn't want to get him in trouble.
Here you go, dear.
Mmm! Nobody makes cake like you! And nobody eats it like you.
You know, Robert's not that bad.
I know, and it was So let's save him a piece of cake.
Yeah, a big one.
And you know what? He can have this whole cake too.
Yeah.
You know, I still need to give you your birth-minute kiss.
Come on, Ma, I'm a little too old for that.
All right, if it'll make you happy, go ahead.
Okay.
Where'd the cake go? Oh, crap! What happened?