Family Ties (1982) s03e14 Episode Script

## I'll bet We've been together ## ## For a million years ## ## And I'll bet We'll be together ## ## For a million more ## ## Ooh, it's like I started breathin' ## ## On the night we kissed ## ## And I can't remember What I ever did before ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## And there ain't No nothin' ## ## We can't love Each other through ## ## Ooh-hoo ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## Sha-la-la-la ## Alex, will you give us a hand? The Lamaze class is gonna start any minute.
Aw, I can't believe you guys are actually going through with this craziness.
Nothing crazy about Lamaze, Alex.
It's a method of natural childbirth.
The husband assists the wife in the delivery room, and no anesthetic is used.
See, now, that's crazy.
Look, the natural way to have a child, Mom, is for the man to be in the waiting room, smoking, pacing.
And And the woman to be in the delivery room drugged out of her mind.
You make it sound so attractive.
I think when I have a baby, I wanna be unconscious.
You're off to a good start.
I'll get it.
Whoa, that must be the pregnant women, Dad.
I can feel the house tilting a little.
Hi.
Come on in.
I'm Steven Keaton.
Larry Harris.
Larry, hi.
Suzie, his wife.
Suzie, pleasure.
Yes, it is.
We're due in ten weeks.
Wow.
Your wife's not showing at all.
She's not pregnant.
These are our children.
This is Mallory, Alex and Jennifer.
Hi.
Have a nice class.
Bye-bye.
That's really amazing.
You know, I bet your son here isn't much younger than Suzie.
That's not to say that you guys are too old or anything.
You know, I had an uncle who got married for the first time at 83.
Any children? Not yet.
Ha-ha-ha! That's funny.
Uh, excuse me, uh, enjoy your company.
This is great.
We got ourselves a couple of old pros here.
See, Suzie, you don't have to be nervous.
If these geezers can do it, so can we.
Thank you.
Hi, I'm Carol Mannings, your instructor.
Oh, Carol.
I-I'm Steven Keaton.
This is my wife Elyse.
This is, uh, Larry, Suzie and, uh Suzie.
Leonard and Marge.
STEVEN Yeah.
And Hi, I'm Donna Barrows.
Donna.
Hi, Donna.
Well, I'm a little late.
I apologize.
So why don't we all just sit down on the mat so we can begin.
Okay, first of all, one of the most important things about Lamaze is relax Yeah, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Time-out.
Time-out.
Aren't we missing somebody here? I mean, where's your husband? I don't have a husband.
Oh, you're one of those, uh, single mothers, right? I think that's great.
Good for you, Donna.
I respect that.
She's not married.
Larry.
So it's been 11 years since you had your last child.
What have you been doing all that time? Well, we have hobbies.
I think it's wonderful you're having another baby.
A lot of people your age would just be packing up and heading for Florida.
That's That's very sweet of you.
Okay, everybody.
We're gonna start up again in a few minutes.
Boy, she's really strict.
We better be getting back in.
Oh, I'm right behind you.
I just wanna finish my tea.
You're going to into trouble with the teacher.
I have a note.
Oh, good.
Hi.
How you doing? Hi.
I'm, uh, Alex Keaton.
I'm Donna Barrows.
Whoa.
One of the Lamazonians, I presume.
Yes, I am.
Good presuming.
Uh, thank you.
Uh, congratulations.
You, uh You're gonna have your first kid there? Yeah.
I guess you and your husband are pretty excited, huh? Oh, well, I am.
I don't have a husband.
Well, then, uh Then how did? Oh.
Oh, I get it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I, uh I see.
I see.
The relationship didn't work out.
We thought it would be best if we didn't stay together.
Pfft! You know, I I understand these things.
I'm a contemporary guy.
Does my mom know? I mean, uh Uh, so you're, uh You're flying solo with this Lamaze thing, huh? Carol says I'm the first single student she's had in her classes.
Well, maybe they'll give you a little trophy or something.
Well, I'm not all alone, really.
I've got the little one Oh, it's kicking now.
Do you wanna feel it? Uh, I mean, no.
No, Donna, I couldn't.
I mean, uh we just met.
Come on.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, that's incredible.
Oh, Donna.
You, uh You got a person in there.
Mm-hm.
Donna, we're starting.
Wow.
Ooh, the Lamazonian call.
I better get back.
Uh, yeah.
Boy, that's, uh That's That's neat.
I mean, uh, this is, um, really something that you're taking these Lamaze classes all by yourself.
Well, to be honest, I'm a little nervous about it.
I mean, it's difficult to go through the whole pregnancy by myself.
Yeah, well, I think you're gonna do fine.
I hope so.
Well, I'll see you next time? Yeah.
It was nice Nice meeting you.
Uh, nice meeting you too.
Bye.
Bye.
Well, are you up for tonight's Lamaze class? Yeah, I guess.
But I I've been thinking, honey.
They're all so young.
That's true.
Babies are young.
No, I-I mean the people in the class.
We're so much older than they are.
So what? So maybe we're too old.
Too old for what? To have a baby.
Obviously not.
You don't feel that way? No.
So you have no sympathy and understanding for the way I feel about this? Not really, no.
Elyse, I know what you're going through.
I'm going through the same thing myself.
We're geezers.
Well, what if we're geezers that are too old for natural childbirth? What if I can't manage this? Well, look, this isn't a contest.
Besides, Elyse, you're the healthiest, strongest woman I know.
And you're just as young and as beautiful as the day we met.
You're saying that to make me feel good.
It's working.
Come on, Elyse, we're training for this.
We're doing everything we can.
Trust me.
We're gonna have a A beautiful baby.
Yeah.
Come on, give me a hand with this couch.
It's too heavy.
Whoa, hey! Lamaze class.
Great! Excuse me, Mom.
Can't believe I'm just in time.
Well, there is always room for one more.
Heh.
Wait a minute.
What do you care about Lamaze? Come on.
Look, you guys are my parents.
This involves your life.
If it interests you, it interests me.
Is Donna here yet? Who's Donna? Donna.
You know, Donna.
Your Your classmate.
The one with the, uh and no, uh No, she's not here yet.
She let me touch her belly the other day.
She has got a living, growing being in there.
I mean, she is gonna have a baby.
Well, that's great.
Otherwise she's wasting her money on this Lamaze class.
I'm telling you, ahem, parenting is a wonderful thing.
I mean, bringing a child into the world, caring for it, loving it.
Ah, you guys wouldn't understand.
Whoa.
All right.
Hi! Howdy-doo! Glad to see you again.
Hi, Leonard, Marge.
Hi, Steven.
How are ya, Steve? I'm fine.
Okay, everybody.
I think we should get started.
Now, if you remember, last week, we talked about the importance of a comfortable birthing position, remember? I call it nesting.
Now, what I'd like to do is have the birthing partners arrange the pillows on the mats for the mothers.
Here, Donna.
Come on.
Let me, uh Let me show you to your nest.
Excuse me.
Whoa, this looks like a good area to build.
Uh, pardon me, Dad.
Is this area zoned for nests? Thank you, Alex.
That's very sweet.
Ah, not Not at all.
Not at all.
Here you go.
Elyse.
Here you go.
What's going on? Why is he building nests? He's just being helpful, honey.
It's his first nest.
Don't make him self-conscious.
Extend your left hand.
Make a fist.
Contract the muscles as you inhale.
Hold it.
Exhale and release.
Now, partners, check the arms for relaxation.
What are you doing? I'm, uh I'm checking your arm for relaxation.
Uh, do you mind? No.
During this exercise, you should be giving your partner warm, supportive messages.
I'm, uh very proud of you, Donna.
I love you, Elyse.
I love you, Dad.
I love you too, Alex.
What are you doing? Uh, Donna, listen, I've been thinking, uh, about what we were talking about the other day.
You know, about, uh About you being, uh, alone and, uh, kinda scared.
You have? Yeah.
Listen, uh I wanna be your birthing partner.
What? We hardly know each other.
Uh, well, what better way to get acquainted? We'll have a baby together.
I don't understand how you're handling it well as you are.
Well, it's not a problem.
Alex is just experiencing the joy and exhilaration of fatherhood for the first time.
It's a life experience we shouldn't deny him.
I don't wanna deny him the experience of fatherhood.
I just think he should actually be a father first.
I think he's doing a wonderful thing for this girl.
Now, haven't we always encouraged him to be helpful and supportive? He could send her a card.
Look, Elyse, I just think this has gone too far.
Well, I don't.
Your 18-year-old son is touring Saint Vincent's Hospital with a pregnant woman at this very moment.
You don't think it's gone too far? No.
What's all that lumber doing in the garage? Oh, it's Alex's.
He's building a crib.
A crib? Mom, if Alex is gonna be a father, does that mean I'm going to be an aunt? Yeah.
Well, sort of.
No, no.
No, it doesn't.
You know, Alex may not be much of a brother, but something tells me he's gonna make a pretty good father.
He's not going to be a father.
And you know, Jen, the The best part is that Alex will have someone around who's shorter than he is.
For the first few years, anyway.
Enough! Enough.
Go on.
Go get Get ready for dinner.
Steven, relax.
Alex will calm down once the initial thrill wears off.
Whoa, hello, hello.
Hi.
That Saint Vincent's, what a facility.
Yeah, it was kind of exciting.
We saw a woman being wheeled into the delivery room.
Yeah, that'll be you soon, mommy.
I'll be ready.
No, no.
Not you, Mom.
Her.
And, uh, we had this great meeting with Dr.
Whitlock, our doctor.
He has devised this complete method of underwater birthing.
Mother and doctor in scuba gear.
She looks radiant, doesn't she? Yeah.
I guess I better get back to work.
I'll see you on Tuesday.
Yeah, yeah, I'll walk you to your car.
Uh, I'll be right back.
I got a lot to tell you guys.
Oh, we saw this great bassinet at Frisch Brothers.
We're gonna get one, and we thought maybe you guys would want one, uh, for your baby.
Still think it hasn't gone too far? Oh, almost forgot.
We've decided to breast-feed.
Yes.
Steven, you gotta talk to Alex.
Talk about what, Miss Calm? Miss Let's-Not-Deny-Him- His-Fatherhood.
Miss No Problem.
All right, I admit we have a problem.
Prob What's the big deal? Our son is breast-feeding.
It's about time! All right, okay, uh, see you Tuesday.
And, uh, yeah, I'll pick up that snuggy suit.
Uh, Alex, we've gotta talk.
I know we do, Mom.
I mean, this is great.
You're having a baby, and we're having a baby.
And they'll, like, know each other and play together.
Ah! T- this is all happening so quickly.
I mean What do you really feel about Donna? Who? Oh, Donna.
Oh.
I don't know, Mom.
What's the difference? I mean, I'm not gonna date her.
I'm just having a baby with her.
A baby that I'm gonna love and And And And care for, just Just like any father would.
But you're not a father.
Well, okay, not genetically, no.
And you are not married to Donna.
Well, you know, you guys are really getting nitpicky about this whole thing.
Look, look, Alex, Alex, I I know how you must feel.
Uh, y-you wanna be an adult, have everything that goes along with it, but you're just not ready for this, Alex.
You're just not a father! Look, Dad, how? How much did you know about being a father before I was born? I learned.
So will I, Dad.
And I only hope that I'm as good at it as you are.
Well, uh thank you.
No, thank you, Dad.
Thank you for your support.
No, no, come on.
Hey.
No.
I'm glad we talked.
And when you squeeze it it moos.
Huh? Huh? How about that? Great.
Yeah, great.
You can take it with you when they, uh, put you in the home.
Come on.
Look, Mallory, what's the matter with you? Why can't you get excited? I'm gonna be a father.
Yeah, Mallory.
I think it's cute the way Alex is acting.
It's insane.
Mmm, I know.
But he's cute.
You keep it up.
Oh, Mom, Mom, Dad.
Come here.
Come here.
Look at this stuff I got.
I don't wanna talk about your baby toys.
Hey, nice cow.
Come on, you guys.
I don't wanna miss the beginning of the movie.
I can't enjoy a movie unless I know who the director is.
Hey, so, what are we gonna see? La guerre est finie.
I hate reading a movie.
Moo! Dum, dum, dum, dum.
I wonder who's at the door.
I'll find out.
Hi, Donna.
Hi, Alex.
Hi.
Uh, how you feeling? You, uh You gain any weight? Let's get the scale, check the charts.
Oh, no, Alex.
Wait.
I don't wanna weigh in today.
Well, all right.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh.
See the cow I got? Oh, it's nice.
Yeah.
But what if it's a girl? Well, if it's a girl, we'll, uh, go with the ducky.
Hm.
Ready to practice? Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know, Donna, do you realize that sometime in the next six weeks, we are about to become parents? Well, that's not exactly true.
Yeah, right.
Okay, five weeks.
Um, I was thinking about nursery schools.
Now, I don't think we should send him to one that pushes academics, you know? Alex And A-and also, I was thinking that I'd really like him to grow up in this neighborhood, you know? I mean, come on, good enough for the old man, it's good enough for him.
And And And I wanna take him to all the places that my folks took me when I was a kid.
I can hardly wait to take him to the bank.
Alex, wait a minute.
You're talking about us like we're a family.
You're not about to become a father.
Look, I know it's not my baby, okay? But that doesn't bother me.
It really doesn't.
A- and I know it's not gonna be easy, but the three of us will make it through.
Alex, wait a minute.
You're talking about us like we're a real couple, like we're gonna live together, like we're gonna get married or something.
I hadn't thought about it that way, but, uh what the heck? Let's get married.
Alex, we're not in love with each other.
We're in love with the idea of being a family.
There's a big difference.
Well, not for me, Donna.
We've been playing house like a couple of kids.
I'm the mommy, and you're the daddy.
Well, I got caught up in it too.
Well, look, can't you just get caught up in it again? No, I can't.
Alex, you're very sweet, and I think it's so nice that you wanna help me, but our relationship's not based on anything real.
So what? Alex, I think you're a wonderful person, and I care for you a lot.
But we can't keep going on as if we're really gonna share our lives.
Donna.
This just can't work.
Donna.
Yes, Alex? That's my cow.
No, no, no, Dad.
You see, the war was symbolic of Hi, Alex.
Where's Donna? She, uh She left.
Symbolic of what, Jennifer? Don't leave me hanging.
Of man's alienation from his own emotions.
Can I play with your cow, Alex? Did you practice your Lamaze with Donna? No.
No, uh Donna and I had a slight falling out.
We're never seeing each other again.
What happened? I'd rather not talk about it, okay? Come on, Alex.
What happened? Mallory, it's personal, all right? Do you mind? Well, I tell you personal things all the time.
Like what? I told you I love Boy George.
That's not personal.
That's scary.
That's the last time I open up to you, Alex.
What happened, Alex? Well, Donna just said she doesn't feel the same way about me that I feel about her.
She never has.
How do you feel about her? Mom, Mom.
She changed my life.
She was almost the mother of my child.
But how do you feel about her? I just told you.
You know, it It was so perfect.
I mean I mean, it was a complete package.
A great-looking girl, a baby Boom! Instant family.
You know, it would have been all settled for me.
I would have skipped all that stuff like, uh, meeting girls and dating.
Falling in love.
Most people look forward to the falling in love part.
Yeah, well, I'm not like most people, Mom.
No argument there.
No argument there.
You know, Dad, this whole thing is your fault.
If you, uh If you weren't such a great father, I wouldn't have been in such a hurry to become one.
I meant well.
Oh! Oh, and, uh And you make mothering look real good too, Mom.
Thank you, Alex.
I guess I just got carried away, huh? No.
No.
It could've happen to no one else in the world.