Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e14 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) ( wind whistling ) There's a bit of luck for ya.
The bloody snow is covering up the entrance to the tunnel.
Well, I know it's around here someplace.
What's he looking for? A tree stump.
Now, don't tell me.
He's gonna hide nuts in there for winter.
We go down through it to a tunnel.
Where's the tunnel lead to? Well? I could have sworn this was it.
Come on.
( gunshots ) Come on.
Come on.
( gunfire continues ) Come on.
Come on.
Clumsy oaf.
I couldn't help it.
I tripped over this tree stump.
Come on! Tree stump? Tree stump? Tree stump.
Come on.
Beautiful.
Wunderbar.
Go on, go on.
All right, now keep moving.
Just keep moving and wait down there when you get down there.
Keep moving along.
Hurry up.
All right, now, Carter, you get down there.
All I need, mate, is to come looking for you in a blizzard.
Go on.
KINCH: They're coming down the tunnel now, Colonel.
The underground says those guys bailed out three days ago.
They must be frozen.
I will give them some of my brandy.
That should warm them up.
Yeah, and if they got frostbite, they can pour it on their feet.
Let's go, Carter.
Yeah.
Hey.
Welcome to Stalag 13.
I'm Colonel Hogan.
Captain Morgan.
Stalag 13? You got to be kidding.
We're in a prisoner-of-war camp! Here's some brandy.
Oh, I'm sorry! That's all right.
It's the first time my foot's been warm in three days.
Here, Captain.
Thank you.
Now I know why the underground didn't tell us where we were going.
The less you know, the less you talk if you're captured.
Well, I know the Germans are out to take prisoners, but I never knew you fellas were in business for yourselves.
Let's just say we've eliminated the middleman.
We'll keep you here till the heat's off, then outfit you and get you some new papers.
It's our job to get you out of here.
I hope you're as good at getting us out as getting us in.
Don't worry, Captain.
You and your men will be back on flying duty within a week.
Colonel, there's a squad of Gestapo going into Klink's office, and they got axes and picks and shovels.
What's that mean, Colonel? I don't know.
Kinch, get out the coffee pot.
KINCH: Right.
How can you take a coffee break at a time like this? You got a better way of listening in on the Commandant's office? Ah! Major Hochstetter.
Come in, come in.
Always nice to see your smiling face.
He only smiles at train wrecks.
Who's Hochstetter? Gestapo.
KLINK ( over transmitter ): Are you here on military business, or is this a social call? I don't pay anybody a social call.
I wish he hadn't said that.
Klink can't stand rejection.
What can I do for you, Major Hochstetter? Are you aware that, last Monday night, an American plane dropped a bomb on Gestapo headquarters? Demolished the building, wiped out the garrison, killed Kommandant Hedrick, knocked the Fuhrer's picture off the wall and everything.
No, sir.
I was playing pinochle with Captain Broomschmeel.
It was a great personal loss to me.
It was a great personal loss to me.
He took me for 50 marks.
But our antiaircraft shut down the bomber.
That's good.
But the crew parachuted to safety.
Oh, that's bad.
But we know where they are hiding.
That's good.
Where? Here.
Impossible.
Impossible.
We shall see.
I'm ordering my men to search every inch of this camp.
Sir, I am commandant of Stalag 13.
That is exactly why I am ordering the search.
Major Hochstetter, may I remind you that my record here is impeccable.
No enemy soldier has ever gotten out of Stalag 13.
But how is your record on enemy soldiers getting into Stalag 13? What are you driving at? We have searched this area, and we have come to the conclusion that those flyers might very well be hiding in this very camp.
Are you suggesting these men are here? Exactly.
KLINK: But why would an enemy soldier trying to escape hide in a prisoner of war camp? I've been trying to figure that one out myself.
They might very well hide here until the search is over and then make their escape.
( laughing ): Not in Stalag 13.
I am taking no chances.
I'm ordering my men to search every barracks for anything suspicious, especially tunnels.
What are you doing, Klink?! I am calling General Burkhalter.
I will not allow the Gestapo to take over my camp.
Here is General Burkhalter's written permission.
Make yourself at home, Major Hochstetter.
My camp is your camp.
The general has given me Why are you in such a hurry? Take your time.
I never knew Klink was so tough.
He stood up to the Gestapo for almost 30 seconds.
Shh.
HOCHSTETTER: And then we'll begin the search with Barracks 1.
What do we do now, Colonel? I don't know.
Well, I got an idea.
Why don't we go back down the tunnel, come up through the stump, contact the underground, and punch them all in the mouth? Bad idea, Captain.
Sure, you guys got nothing to lose, but if they catch us, it's good-bye, Charlie.
I know one thing, Colonel.
We're not going to wait around, waiting for the Gestapo to nail us.
Kinch? KINCH: Yes, sir.
Take them down to the tunnel.
Right, Colonel.
Now you're talking sense, Colonel.
But you're not going out.
Why not? Because the whole area is lousy with Krauts.
They'd find you in a minute.
Well, what do we do when the Gestapo finds us in the tunnel? Tell them we're on a three-day pass? They're not going to find you.
Sure? Cross my heart, 'cause we're going to dig a whole new tunnel for them to find.
All right, men, down in the tunnel.
LeBeau? Newkirk? Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Start digging a tunnel under the sink, huh? Yeah.
Right.
Here they come.
I like their timing.
LeBEAU: Carter, help me with the sink.
Yeah.
All set, Colonel.
Good.
Newkirk, you know what to do.
Right, sir.
Everybody line up for roll call! Well, what a pleasant surprise.
I don't think it will be so pleasant for you, Colonel Hogan.
Ah, Major Hochstetter, always a pleasure to see your smiling face.
Uh, did you come on military business, or is this a social call? What is it at your camp, Klink? Everybody thinks I'm a social butterfly.
( chuckles ) Never mind the social amenities, Hogan.
Major Hochstetter is here to inspect the barracks.
Oh, go right ahead.
It's humble, but it is home.
You'll have to excuse the mess, sir.
The cleaning woman doesn't come till Thursday.
Why are you hiding the hand? What hand? The hand in that pocket.
What pocket, sir? That pocket! Oh, well, it's very cold in here, sir.
Then why don't you have both hands in the pocket? Both Oh, I forgot I had two hands, sir.
Thank you very much.
Why do you have fresh dirt under the fingernails? Sir, have you ever tried to get an appointment for a manicure here? It is murder.
Look at my nails.
I haven't had a manicure in weeks.
There you are, sir.
Newkirk, where's the tunnel? Tunnel, sir? What tunnel? Why did you kick dirt under the sink? Because cleanliness is next to godliness.
And a clean barracks is a happy barracks.
And a happy barracks is a happy prison camp.
And a happy prison camp is Silence! I think I found the tunnel.
KLINK: Schultz, don't push.
Pull! Just as I thought.
We kept our eyes on this barracks for weeks.
Right, Schultz? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
I seemed to have discovered an escape attempt before it got very far.
Well, sir, we were planning to let them dig just a little more before we crushed them.
You will have this tunnel filled with cement, and severe disciplinary action will be taken.
Yes, sir.
Yes, Major Hochstetter.
Colonel Hogan, you and your men are restricted to the barracks until further notice.
I'll see you later.
We will keep searching for our friends.
( clicks tongue ) Colonel Hogan, in the middle of a war.
Shame on you.
The phony tunnel was magnifique.
Carter, watch the door.
Come on up, fellas.
Come on in, gentlemen.
There you go, fellas.
( laughs ) Give you wine next time.
All right, look.
We'll wait till the Gestapo has cemented the tunnel.
When they leave, you leave.
Okay.
Mayday, Colonel.
Here comes Schultz! Come on! All back in the tunnel! NEWKIRK: Come on, now.
It's stuck.
HOGAN: All right, forget it.
Everybody, go run for cover! ( all clamoring ) LeBEAU: Hurry, under here! CARTER: Quick, get over here.
Come on, make it fast.
Hurry up.
Oh, Colonel Hogan, prepare the men to move to another barracks.
Oh, come on, Schultz.
We just finished redecorating this place.
Those are my orders.
Everybody pack and move in ten minutes.
What now, Colonel Hogan? You'll go with us.
We can't take any chances with the Gestapo working in this barracks.
The snow's coming down pretty heavy now, sir.
That should cover the move.
Well, what about the tunnel? Captain, in this camp, there are 20 barracks.
We have a connecting tunnel to all but one.
Which one's that? Barracks 4.
But the odds are 20 to one they won't move us into that.
( wind whistling ) Colonel, if you ever get out of this camp and go back to civilian life, don't try to make your living as a bookie.
You've been looking out that window for an hour, Colonel.
Trying to figure a new plan to get you guys out of this camp.
Well, maybe Santa Claus will drive by, and we can escape in his sleigh.
Colonel Hogan, can we go out and play in the snow? Why don't we all go out and play in the snow? Maybe the Gestapo has skis for rent.
Hey, I don't know how to ski, but I know how to make a snowman.
Not a bad idea, Carter.
Oh, wait a minute, Colonel.
We're not going to sit around waiting while you and your men build a snowman.
This snowman you're going to like.
I'll talk Sergeant Schultz into letting us build a snowman.
All right, men, follow me.
Where you going, Captain? We're going to make a break for it.
I wouldn't do that if I were you, Captain.
We're not going to sit around waiting to be shot while Hogan's building a snowman.
If he wants to build one, he's got a good reason for it.
Of course he has.
He's stir crazy! Now, I'm ordering you to stand away from the door.
There are five of us and four of you.
Now it's even-- five and five.
What's going on? We're going to make a break for it.
Not until we build a snowman.
Colonel, I don't care if you are the ranking officer And a tunnel underneath it.
Schultz, why are these pris Why are these prisoners building a snowman? Colonel Hogan requested it in place of exercises.
Build a snowman in freezing weather? And they wonder why they're losing the war.
Okay, Carter, up it comes.
Oh! Oh! Oh, I've got to have a rest before I go out there again.
Oh, me, too.
Boy, I'm going to tell you, I'm bushed.
Will you stop complaining? Well, listen, that's hard work.
Is this all you guys have got done? You think it's easy wrapping a handful of dirt with snow? And I'm saving this one just for you for a snowball fight.
How you doing, Newkirk? Won't be long now, Captain.
We should be connecting up with the other tunnel in about an hour.
Oh! Oh, not another inspection, Schultz.
Ooh! It's freezing cold outside! Ahh! I just came in to have a little coffee from my little friend LeBeau.
All of a sudden, I'm his little friend LeBeau.
Oh, you all must be crazy-- standing outside in the cold, making that silly snowman.
Ah! Something wrong, Schultz? Why are you so warm, Carter? Warm? You're perspiring, and you were outside in the cold.
It must be these barracks.
Gor, it's like a ruddy steam bath in here.
You think it's warm in here? Warm? Oh, it's nearly Hey, Carter, put the fire out.
Oh, that's a great idea, Newkirk.
What? What are you doing? It's as hot as it can be in here.
I just want to cool the room off, Schultz.
Oh, Colonel Hogan, please, tell Carter to leave the fire alone.
What are you talking about, Schultz? We were just trying to explain to Schultz that the reason we're all perspiring is because it's so warm in here.
Oh, yeah.
That's right, Schultz.
And don't think Klink isn't going to hear about this.
( wind whistling ) Colonel Hogan, please! Please, Colonel Hogan! Schultz, It's against the Geneva Convention to make prisoners sweat.
Ahh! Ohh! That's really refreshing.
( shouting ) Colonel Hogan, if you all are all so warm, how come that I'm still freezing? Ahh Why don't you put yourself on sick call and find out, Schultz? I think you're right.
I'm still cold.
Oh! ( shivering ) Colonel bloody insanity.
Ooh! Ooh! Hilda, I Oh, here you are.
Hilda, is the commandant in his office? He is busy with Major Hochstetter.
Oh, Hilda, I have to see him.
It's an emergency.
What's the matter? I'm sick, Hilda.
How do you know you're sick? Because I'm cold.
Who isn't cold? It's freezing outside.
But you don't understand, Hilda.
Everybody else is warm.
I'm not warm.
Oh, please, Herr Kommandant Schultz, what are you doing here? I have to report I have to go to the hospital.
The hospital? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
I'm going to be in the hospital two or three weeks, then four or five months in a rest camp, and then a 30-day furlough.
I'll be back in, uh sometime in August.
And all planned, Schultz.
Yes, Herr Major.
I understand it takes a long time to recover from pneumonia.
No.
What makes you sure that you have pneumonia, Schultz? Because I'm cold.
Of course you're cold, Dummkopf.
It's snowing outside! Yes, but I'm also cold when I'm inside.
We're all cold inside! Yeah, but, uh Herr Major, when I left the prisoners' barracks, they were sitting around with their shirts off, sweating, and the windows open.
Klink, the prisoners have heat in the barracks? Perhaps they're smuggling it in, Major Hochstetter.
Aah! ( wind whistling ) ( shivering ) I'm glad you're here, sir.
We'd like to requisition some gloves.
Our hands are frozen.
Request denied.
It was your idea to build a snowman.
My hands are frostbitten, sir, and I haven't even been outside.
I thought you were all sitting around perspiring with the windows open.
( quavering ): Who said that? Schultz! He's a sick man, Colonel.
He said he saw it with his own eyes.
Eh, snow blindness.
Snow blindness? Yes, yes.
It's like being out in the desert, sir.
I mean, after you're in the snow long enough, you start seeing mirages.
If he continues to act so peculiar, he will be seeing the Russian front, and that will be no mirage.
( quavery babbling ) Here you go-- right down inside.
Have a good evening, eh? Right down there.
Take it easy.
Schultz.
Then you do it, Carter! Well, okay, I'd be glad to do it, 'cause that's about the worst-looking Hey, hey! ( quibbling ) Oh, come on.
What's going on here?! Just a minute! Well, I want to make the face for the snowman.
And I say I should.
Oh, yeah? Well, I once won a prize for making the best snowman in Bullfrog, North Dakota.
Bullfrog, North Dakota? Well, actually, Bullfrog's just a suburb.
I mean, your big city is Crab Apple Junction.
Oh.
I think Sergeant Schultz should be the one to decide.
Who, me? Yes, it takes a man who is sophisticated, who has been around, who has been to Paris and seen the beautiful snowmen in the Bois du Boulogne that only a Frenchman can make.
What do you mean, "sophisticated"? I bet he's never even been to Crab Apple Junction! Is that food or a city? Wait a minute! Wait a minute!! I have the solution.
You, Carter, you put in the eyes.
You, LeBeau, you put in the nose and the mouth.
And you both can put on the hat together.
King Solomon couldn't have made a wiser decision, Schultz.
You're a wonderful person.
Wonderful.
SCHULTZ: Oh.
Kinch, I wanted a Newkirk! What's going on here, Newkirk?! Wait, what's going on here, Newkirk?! Schultz, what's the problem now? There is some monkey business going on with this snowman! You can't be serious.
Ha! ( chuckles ) You told Major Hochstetter that that I see mirages.
Let's see what he has to say about this mirage.
Schultz see the escape? I think he got a glimpse of the captain.
We got to move the snowman.
Where to? I think this is about the only spot in the camp we don't have a tunnel underneath.
Put it here.
Hilda, is the commandant in his office? He is very busy with Major Hochstetter.
I have to see him right away.
Schultz I wouldn't go in there if I were you.
You're halfway to Stalingrad right now.
It was nice seeing you again Major Hochstetter, but I told you you would find nothing suspicious here.
Those fliers must be in another area.
I will not sleep until I find them.
You will find them, Major Hochstetter, if I know my Gestapo.
Herr Kommandant, I would like to report something urgent.
Not now, Schultz, please.
Herr Kommandant, it has something to do with the prisoners.
What? I saw a man go inside the snowman! Schultz, is this another one of your mirages? No, Herr Kommandant.
I saw it with my own two eyes.
Have you been at the schnapps again? Just a minute, Klink.
Let's have a look at this.
Jawohl, Herr Major.
I show you.
Please, Herr Major, I show you.
You sure you got enough snow over that opening, Carter? They won't be able to find it until spring.
KINCH: Okay, they're coming.
SCHULTZ: Herr Major, right over here.
Here, please.
Right here.
Here.
All right, Schultz.
Now, where did the man enter the snowman? Major Hochstetter, I protest.
This is our snowman.
Why are you so concerned, Colonel Hogan? Because we were gonna challenge the guards and the Gestapo to a snowman contest.
The winner gets a free trip to London.
Here! Here! Herr Major, right here.
Ah! There is an opening Ha! Colonel Hogan, I demand an explanation.
This is the way they make a snowman in Bullfrog, North Dakota.
Klink, I assure you, I will find a tunnel.
And, when I do, the punishment will ( yelling ) HOGAN: You know, Colonel, I think Major Hochstetter wins the trip to London.
LeBEAU: Come on, Schultz.
It's freezing! CARTER: Yeah.
We're all here! NEWKIRK: Maybe one or two over.
Oh, let him take his time.
Klink doesn't like the cold any more than we do.
KLINK: Report! Report! You better report, Schultz.
He's turning blue.
All present and accounted for.
Dismissed! Colonel, did the Gestapo catch the bomber crew? Colonel Hogan, I assure you Major Hochstetter will find them.
LeBEAU: Ha! He couldn't find the Eiffel Tower in Paris! CARTER: He couldn't even find his swastika! NEWKIRK: The Krauts should call in Scotland Yard.
HOGAN: Yeah.
If they can find them.
KLINK: Colonel Hogan, you have gone too far.
Schultz, these men are confined to the barracks, without privileges, for at least one week! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Sorry, Schultz.
Snowman contest is over.
Nice try.