Hot In Cleveland s03e14 Episode Script

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
And finally, big news here at Channel 7.
Next week, we will be switching to HD.
So I guess someone will be heading out for a little Ee-err, ee-err.
If you're referring to cosmetic fillers, I just want our audience to know that I have never ever used Restylane, Radiesse, or Juvederm.
- What about Botox? - What about it? Well, that's all the time we have today.
For Victoria Chase, I'm Colin Cooper.
- And this is Victoria Chase.
- And I'm Colin Cooper.
And I'm Victoria Chase.
Ready for lunch? Oh, I'll just grab my purse.
Hello, love.
Colin! Forgot you worked here.
The length of that dress says otherwise.
You're still obnoxious.
She said, with barely concealed desire.
I think you mean disdain that is openly naked.
- I've missed you Joy.
- Oh, really? What part-- me walking in and catching you in bed with another woman or you chasing me down the driveway as I toss a flaming can of Sterno over my shoulder? By the way, how is your Mercedes? Has lost that new car smell.
Anyway, all relationships have bumps.
- You're suing me! - In Small Claims court.
Anyway, let's start over.
The Ohio Newsie Awards are next month.
There's a gala banquet.
Fancy being on my arm? Not on your arm or any other part of you.
Thanks.
You should be my guest at the newsies, Joy.
My "Save The Rhinos" piece is a shoo-in to win.
Bollocks.
At heartwarming story will never take the prize.
It's got a happy ending.
So what's wrong with a happy en-- Oh, my God.
You're right.
Comedies never win best picture.
Okay, I need to submit a new story.
Something that exposes the dark truth about society.
Something that makes people ashamed to be human.
Why bother, Victoria? I've already got a riveting expose in the works that's guaranteed to win.
Not so fast! What if I just thought of an expose even more riveting? And the award goes to Victoria Chase for Fat Like Me.
Look at you.
Look at all of you.
The transformation is amazing.
Note that I wear a cowl neck, the official sweater of the obese.
Yes, as a method actress, I really sweat the details.
In fact, I'm really sweating now.
You know who's a terrific big-boned actress? Um, the gal from Norbit.
That was Eddie Murphy playing his own fat wife.
- That was Eddie? - Yeah.
Oh, I'm gonna need a minute here.
So have you worn the fat suit out in public yet? No, my first stop is tonight's Overeaters Anonymous meeting at the community center.
I'm gonna see if I can pass for one of them.
I'll be like Jane Goodall.
Jane Goodall didn't dress up like a chimp.
No, but I was at a Halloween party once where she dressed like a fat person.
You know, the community center has all these great classes and seminars.
Might be a nice place to meet men.
Men who want to improve themselves.
The rarest type of man.
Elka? I'm gonna need you at that meeting with me tonight.
Now this is a hidden camera, and I want you to film me and the other high-fructose Americans as we pour our overworked little hearts out.
You don't have to show me.
I've worn a wire before.
I'm gonna need a surveillance van, a loaded .
22, and an airtight backstory.
No van, no gun, you used to be fat.
I thought fat people were supposed to be fun.
- Let's go.
- Okay, I'll meet you there.
I wanna grab some snacks out of this room.
- Piggy, piggy.
- Hey! I skipped lunch today so I could fit in these pants.
Now they've loosened up.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Sam J.
- Oh, Melanie More-- - Oh, no last names here.
Oh, oh.
So I guess there won't be any wine with this cheese.
- No, no liquor, I'm afraid.
- Mm.
This your first meeting, Melanie? Yeah No.
I'm supposed to meet someone.
I'd say you just did.
Did I? - Wow, that's a great smile.
- Oh, thank you.
I use bleaching strips.
Why do I say things like that.
Because you're cute.
Come on, come sit next to me.
Sit next-- oh, I'm-- really, I'm not supposed to be-- - I really shouldn't be-- - Please stay.
The first step is always the hardest.
But one day at a time.
Okay, guys, if we could all take our seats.
Great, thank you.
And Welcome, everybody, to Sexaholics Anonymous.
Of course, that was before I lost All right, that's enough.
It's my turn.
Oh, Elka, if it's not too traumatic, would you mind sharing your rock bottom? It was July, 2009.
I found a whole Christmas ham In the folds of my back fat.
By then it was smoked.
So I ate it.
Oh, we feel your pain.
But we are out of time.
SoUntil the next meeting.
But wait, wait, I never got to speak! But-- - Need a hoist? - Oh.
- I'm Chuck.
- Chunk? Chuck.
I couldn't help noticing you in the meeting.
Would you like to grab a coffee sometime? Oh, oh, you're serious.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
God, no.
You're not my type.
Uh, physically.
So what you're saying is you're disgusted by fat people.
Chuck, maybe you should just shop your considerable wares elsewhere.
Perhaps that little butterball over there.
Gals that big really can't afford to be in the "no" business if you know what I mean.
Okay, I get it.
You're not into me.
Just-- Hey! It's Colin Cooper! I've got all the footage I need--tons of it! Pun intended.
Gotta go! Excuse me.
I'm looking for someone.
Have you seen a pretty brunette around here? I'm looking at one right now.
- I'm Joy.
- Chuck.
Have we met before? Oh, I don't think so.
i'm pretty sure I would've remembered you.
Now, how about something from our newest member? Me? You're safe here.
Hi, I'm Melanie And I'm a Sexaholic.
Hi, Melanie.
I can't do this, Sam.
Look, sometimes it's best to just put it all out there.
Start with your rock bottom-- the day you knew you were a slave to your sexual desires.
UmOkay, there was, um There was this one time I got lost in a wooded area.
And these seven guys found me.
And they brought me back to their cottage, and they made me cook and clean for them.
- I think they were miners.
- Miners? Oh, no! Not the young kind of minors.
No, the--you know, with the pick axes, miners.
Anyway, I think I had a bad appletini And, um, before knew it, I was lying across these tiny little beds and all the miners were standing over me, whistling a happy tune.
You know, 'cause I'd just had sex with them, the end.
How is it possible you have never seen Casablanca before? I always meant to, I just never got around to it.
I bet you've never seen Evil dead 2.
Don't you mean, Evil dead 2: Dead by Dawn? I think you may be the perfect woman.
- Well I'm not perfect.
- Prove it.
- Tell me one tiny flaw.
- Okay.
I can never remember if there are 24 or 26 letters in the alphabet.
Well, now you disgust me.
Joy, would you ever, a million years, consider going out with me? Not in a million years.
But I am free tomorrow night.
Tomorrow? Really? With me? But I can't be the kind of man you usually date.
Well, I hope not.
The men I usually date are jerks.
But devastatingly handsome, charming jerks, right? Who can't seem to love anyone else more than themselves.
Did I say something wrong? No, they just sound so pathetic.
Well, they're not you.
And besides, pathetic is someone who's never seen Casablanca.
How many letters in the alphabet? Ah, damn it! Okay, Elka, keep your camera pointed toward me.
In 3, 2, 1 This is Victoria Chase About to reveal an ugly truth about the judgmental people of Cleveland.
Watch as I am instantly rejected by a bunch of young men simply because I'm fat.
Okay.
I'll take the camera now.
Hi! Can I play darts with you? Sure! You can be on my team.
But aren't you repulsed by my girth? No! We've got a pitcher right over there.
Pour yourself a beer.
Hmm.
Wait ma'am! Maybe you shouldn't-- What? Be allowed to mingle with the public because I'm an unsightly whale? I was gonna say maybe you shouldn't sit in that chair.
It's full of darts.
Oh! It's Sam, the cute sexaholic I told you about.
Oh, my God, he's asking me out.
Should I? I mean, I wanna say yes, but he's so young, and I just met him.
At a sexaholic meeting! But when you think about it, what is a sexaholic anyway? I mean, if it just means he wants to do it all the time, don't all guys wanna do it all the time? So when it gets down to it, isn't every guy a sexaholic? Melanie, sexaholics have no standards.
They'll do it with any skank in town.
Tall, short, skinny, bony, British.
How'd it go? Did the guys blow you off? No, they were actually very kind, which is really starting to piss me off.
Now if one of you would please pull the darts out of my derriere.
How am I supposed to win a newsie if nobody will treat me like the blimp that I am? I need to find someone who will insult me on film-- Oh, wait.
Wait, you see that really handsome guy sitting up at the bar? I'm gonna go over there and flirt with him.
And then he'll reject me, and then I'll cry, and then I'll run away.
Personally, I'm through with handsome men.
I like Chuck.
He's adorable.
And he's just the opposite of Colin.
He's the anti-Colin.
And since I'm anti-Colin, we're perfect for each other.
I dated a fat fellow once.
Long time ago.
Was it William Howard Taft? Hello.
Is this barstool taken? No.
Can I buy you a drink? What? But why? Ar't you revolted by my pendulous breasts and my massive buttocks? Don't be so hard on yourself.
It's what's on the inside that counts.
Sometimes I really hate this town.
Melanie will be ready in a minute.
Oh, great, I'll just wait out here.
Um - Can I ask you something? - Sure.
- You're a sexaholic, right? - I am.
My girlfriend, Carol, uh, hasn't gotten lucky in all right, 50 years.
Catch my drift? Yeah, sorry, I'm in recovery.
Well, spread the word among your pervert friends, will you? - Let me know.
- Yes, ma'am.
- He said no about Carol.
- I told you not to ask him! Dahh.
- Hi, you ready to go? - Yeah, um - Can we talk for a minute? - Yeah.
I have a little confession to make.
Um You know that whole sexaholic thing? Guess what.
Not one! Still in denial.
No, no.
I'm not addicted to sex.
I mean, I like sex.
Sure, like it a lot.
Always ready to do it.
Well, not always.
Need a little notice, some decent lighting, b-- Look.
My friend Victoria is a reporter, and she put on a fat suit to secretly film an overeaters meeting, and I tagged along.
And the only reason I met you was because I was hungry.
Can you forgive me? If you can forgive me.
Why would I need to? Melanie, I'm not a sexaholic either.
I'm a reporter for Channel 2.
What? I was looking for the perfect subject for my Sexaholics Like Me piece, and then I found you.
You were filming me all along? Look, we can still pixelate out your face.
No one will ever know.
Right.
I better go.
Unless Well, I mean, maybe all this happened for a reason.
I mean, I'm not a sexaholic.
You're not a sexaholic.
I'm still a guy.
And I mean, come on.
Aren't all guys basically just sexaholics? That's what I said.
So we wouldn't necessarily be falling off the wagon if we were to-- Continue seeing each other? I was gonna say, "have sex.
" But yeah, that's good too.
You can't expect me to just hop in the sack without a few dinners first.
I not that kinda girl Anymore.
You're right.
Casablanca was great.
Is that a tear in your eye? No, I'm a guy.
Guys don't cry.
But how could he let Ingrid Bergman get on that plane? You're such a softie.
Maybe it's 'cause I'm like a big pillow.
Don't put yourself down.
I feel a real connection to you.
You're honest and warm and sweet.
And sexy too.
Joy, as much as I'd love to, I'm feeling self-conscious right now.
But that's silly.
This is our third date.
Darling, darling, please let me explain.
- Colin, is that you? - Yes, yes! But if you just give me a chance-- What the hell are you doing in a fat suit? My plan was to do a Fat Like Me expose like Victoria's, but then I ran into you and-- And you thought you'd have a good laugh at my expense? Well, you've got your cheek.
Actually, you've got my cheek.
Get out! Out of my way, thunder thighs.
That's right, I'm talking to you, blubber nuggets! Terrific piece.
Really super.
You know, Colin, the time I spent doing Fat Like Me was truly harrowing.
Well, as it turns out, you're not the only reporter to go undercover and become fat like me.
Let's roll tape, shall we? So what you're saying is your disgusted by fat people.
Look, Chuck, maybe you should just shop your considerable wares elsewhere.
Oh, perhaps that butterball over there.
You know, gals that to be in the "no" business, if you know what I mean.
Uh I don't know what to say, except I'm sorry.
You know, the truth is that the entire time that I was fat Victoria, not a single solitary person in this city was mean to me.
The only person who was ever unkind to someone heavy was me.
So I wanna thank you, Cleveland, for teaching me a valuable lesson.
And I'll be submitting a brand-new piece for this year's Newsie awards entitled Apologetic Like Me: How I faked being fat and became a bigger person for it.
How could you humiliate Victoria on the air like that? Oh, it's all right, Joy.
See, Colin's prank failed, but my mea culpa to the people of Cleveland is gonna net me a big, fat Newsie.
And by "fat," I mean "beautiful.
" You see how I've grown? Joy, you don't understand.
Please let me explain.
I just came here to slap you and take Victoria to dinner, not to listen to your explanations.
Look, Joy When I was Chuck, it gave me a chance to start fresh with you.
To be a better man with you.
Sparring with each other is exciting, but it felt good just to be comfortable with each other.
I like being Chuck.
And I like being with Chuck.
I miss him.
He's right here.
And now you can have the drop-dead sexiness of Colin combined with the pillowy sweetness of Chuck.
I don't know.
Do I have to put the fat suit on again? Because I'll do it.
- Joy, I'm crazy about you.
- Really? Does the alphabet have 26 letters? Uh--