I Love Lucy (1951) s03e14 Episode Script

(I Love Lucy theme music plays) Ah And I'll tell you something else.
It's impossible for me to lose weight on a diet.
I know what you mean.
Me, too.
I tried.
I diet for four or five days and I lose an ounce or two and then I see a piece of cake or pie and I'm dead.
That's the story of my life.
Me, too.
Ricky's been after me to lose a few pounds, but I just don't seem to have the courage to Wait a minute.
Look around you.
What's the matter? It's happened again.
What has? The great divide.
Same thing happens every time we have a party.
Look here.
You know, everybody around the 18th green was gathered around there.
You know, the whole membership of the Thunderbird Club was around the 18th green.
All I had to do was to make this missly two-foot putt to win, and I missed it.
Yeah.
It's the "missly" ones that get you.
I'd rather try a ten-footer than a two-footer any day in the week.
I don't blame you.
It's all right.
Don't blame you.
LUCY: See what I mean? Women in one room, men in the other.
Well? What do you mean "well"? Why does it have to be that way? Why aren't we all in here, talking together? Give me one good reason.
We're married.
Does that mean that we have to go to parties and separate like the sheep from the goats? Well, we like talking about babies and clothes and recipes and they like to talk about sports and politics.
We're interested in different things.
Sure.
Just 'cause we're married to men doesn't mean we've got anything in common.
Don't you think this situation is disgraceful? Oh, I don't know.
I've been going to parties ever since I was married.
It's always like this.
Sure.
I thought this is the way it was supposed to be.
Well, I don't like it.
Are we going to continue to be sheep? Well? Baaah! Well, I'm not.
I want my husband to pay attention to me.
So do I.
Okay.
Come on.
Oh, frankly, I think it's gonna be a good thing for television.
Ricky.
Bill.
Fred.
Yeah? Yes? Come on in here with us.
Yeah.
Come on.
Okay.
Sure.
I'll be right in.
Sure.
How do you think color will take? Color? Well, there are two schools of thought on that matter.
Some people think, uh, well, it's just around the corner.
Others feel it's gonna be a year or two.
We didn't exactly stampede the goats, did we? Maybe we'd better go down to Abercrombie and Fitch and see if they sell goat-mating calls.
You know, this is pretty insulting.
Yeah.
I think so, too.
I'm going to do something about this.
Yeah.
Come on.
Okay.
No, I-I read an article by Harry Ackerman.
He was talking about the color LUCY: All right, let's go.
ETHEL: Okay, Fred, break it up.
Come on.
RICKY: What are you doing? What's going on here? BILL: All right, all right What are you doing? All we're talking about is a little business.
ETHEL: Come in here, sit down What's going on here? There you are.
Ethel, what's eating you? There.
This is more like it.
More like what? More like the way it should be.
I don't get it.
Well, I'll explain it to you.
We don't want you in there.
We want you in here.
Why? Because we're married.
What are you trying to do, rub it in? Fred! I know.
It's the same old complaint.
Lucy gets upset every time the men go into another room and talk to each other.
Yes.
All right, we won't go into another room and talk to each other anymore, dear.
Well, that's better.
We can talk to each other in here.
Now, that's not funny.
Husbands and wives should certainly find something to talk to each other about.
Why? Come on now.
Shall we give it the old-school try? Okay.
(chuckles) (clears throat) Uh, I saw Tom Williams today.
Tom Williams? Mm-hmm.
Good old Tom.
How is he? Fine.
That's good.
Mm, glad to hear it.
Yeah, it's nice to know that good old Tom is feeling well.
Yes, sir.
(chuckles) Uh, I asked him to come here tonight with his date.
Oh, who is he going with now? Oh, some model.
He has a different date every week.
That's for sure.
You think he'll marry her? (chuckling): No.
The last time I saw Tom was at Madison Square Garden.
I think it was the night that Charles fought Layne- Walcott fought Layne, wasn't it? Yeah, I remember that, only it wasn't with Charles and Layne, it was Charles and Walcott.
Oh, you're right.
That was a great fight.
That's the second Charles/Walcott fight Was a tremendous amount of action, that fight.
You remember what the action was? It was the worst fight I've ever seen in my life.
What are you talking about? He almost had him beaten in the third round.
Aw, come on.
Listen, I'll tell you one guy that could have beaten both Charles and Layne, and that's Louis.
No way.
If you want to go back, I'll tell you a guy who could have taken Louis- that's Dempsey.
If you really want to go back, I'll throw in you a guy that could've taken both Dempsey and Louis at the same time.
Who's that? Bob Fitzsimmons.
Oh Are you kidding? Oh, what do you mean, am I kidding? Yeah.
That's the trouble with you young punks.
You've never seen a real fighter.
Aw, now Well, we'll see this one he's bringing tonight, and then we'll find out.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
You know Wait a minute.
Hold it.
What's the matter? How does it feel to be a sheep again? Look around you.
Didn't take long for our party to get back to normal, did it? Oh, let's face it, Lucy.
We'll never gonna get them out of the kitchen.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Well (doorbell buzzes) Oh, that must be Tom.
Oh, Tom, Hi, Lucy.
I'm so glad you could come.
How are you? Nice to see you.
Hi, Ethel.
Hi, Lou Ann.
Sorry we're late, but Eve had to do a fashion show.
Oh, that's quite all right.
Oh, uh, Eve Whitney.
This is Lucy Ricardo.
How do you do? Oh, how do you do, dear? This is Mrs.
Mertz.
Hello.
How do you do? Mrs.
Hall.
Hi.
How do you do? This is Ethel, Lou Ann and Eve.
May I have your wrap? Oh, my, that certainly is beautiful.
Thank you very much.
Um, where are the fellas? Oh, they're out in the kitchen as usual.
You couldn't pry them out of there with a crowbar.
Come on in, Eve.
I'll introduce you.
RICKY: That guy in his prime could've beat any one of those guys.
Hi, fellas.
Oh, hello, Tom.
Hello, Tom.
I'd like you to meet Eve Whitney.
This is Ricky Ricardo.
How do you do? And Fred Mertz.
How do you do? Bill hall.
How do you do? Well, I won't bother you gentlemen.
I'll join the girls.
Oh, uh light? Light? FRED: Light? BILL: Light? Well, I'll say this for her, she got them out of the kitchen.
Yes.
Apparently, all the old goats needed was a young kid.
Hi.
Good morning.
What's good about it? You're right.
Bad morning.
Honestly, every time I think about last night, I get mad all over again.
Me, too.
I haven't been such a wallflower since I was a foot taller than all the boys in dancing school.
Did you notice the way Ricky acted? He wasn't any worse than the rest of them.
Oh, yes, he was.
He has a special line.
Did you ever notice, Ethel, that whenever he's around a good-looking girl, he becomes more Cuban? The prettier the girl, the thicker the accent.
That's right.
By the end of the evening, I couldn't understand a word he was saying.
Sounded like he had a mouthful of frijoles.
Did you get a load of Fred Mertz? I thought I'd die when he suggested playing post office.
Well, it was certainly a grim little evening.
Oh, well, there's no use brooding about it.
When you're married, that's the way things are.
What do you mean "that's the way things are"? That's what we thought last night.
And then Eve Whitney walked in and, suddenly, that's the way things weren't.
So? So, maybe it isn't our husbands' fault.
Maybe it's our fault.
Maybe we've been married so long, we've been letting ourselves go.
What do you mean by that? What's Eve Whitney got that we haven't got? Nothing.
We've got just as much as she's got, only lots more.
Yeah, but the lots more is in all the wrong places.
Ethel, what would you say if I told you you could be just as attractive as Eve Whitney? I'd say you've snapped your twig.
Listen, Eve Whitney didn't always look like that.
How do you know? You never saw her before last night.
Because I heard her talking to Bill Hall when he cornered her and insisted on hearing the story of her life.
How about that? Wasn't that nauseating? Oh Well, she told Bill Hall that she went to a charm school.
It did wonders for her.
A charm school? Yes, and this is the one she went to.
The very same one.
"Phoebe Emerson Charm School.
" "What is your C.
Q.
?" That means charm quotient.
"Come in and let us give you a free analysis.
" You and I are going down there, Ethel.
We are? Oh, I don't think Well, honey, we can't go wrong with a free analysis.
That's right.
You think they can make a glamour girl out of me? Sure.
Says right here, "We work miracles.
" Well, thanks.
Oh, I meant on both of us.
Come on, let's make an appointment.
No one here.
Gee, isn't this a beautiful place? Lucy, I'm nervous.
Well, so am I, dear, but just try to act poised and sophisticated.
Okay.
Look at this.
Oh boy.
Ooh, look, aren't they beautiful? Jiminy.
LUCY: Oh, she's really Good afternoon.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
Aren't they lovely? They're some of our graduates.
Oh, really? They're very beautiful.
I'm delighted to see you.
I'm Miss Emerson.
Oh.
How do you do? I'm Mrs uh Uh, this is Mrs.
Mertz, and I'm Mrs Mrs.
Ricardo.
How do you do? I suppose you're here for the Emerson checkup? Well, is that the free analysis? Yes, it's free.
LUCY: Yes, that's the one.
We grade you in four points, and, uh, 100 Uh-huh.
is perfect.
And now if you'll step this way.
All right.
Lucy It's a lovely piece of furniture.
Yes, isn't it.
Now, the first point is the hair.
Will you please take off your hats? Oh, dear, it must be awfully windy outside.
Here's a mirror.
Why don't you fix it the way it's supposed to be? Is that the way it's supposed to be? Yes, ma'am.
Oh.
Now for skin and makeup.
Hmm your skin's not bad.
Not bad at all.
Thank you.
You're very well-preserved.
And your makeup is adequate.
Do you always use that color powder? Oh, I don't mean it the way it sounds, of course.
It's just that, here, we strive for a fresh, natural look, and that powder gives you a weird, very unnatural look.
You know what I mean, of course.
I'm not wearing powder.
Oh Well, now for our posture.
(undertone): Posture.
Just stand the way you normally stand.
Oh.
Now the next item is the voice.
Would you please speak, uh, Mrs.
Mertz? Uh (clears throat) (chuckles) What shall I say? Oh, anything at all.
Just give me your name and address.
I am Mrs.
Ethel Mertz and, uh, I live at Uh, Mrs.
Ricardo? I am (clears throat) I am Testing one, two, three, four, testing.
Well, now we'll total these up and see what our scores are.
Out of a possible you got 32, and you got 30.
You know, I feel sure our course could make hundred percenters out of both of you.
Yes.
Really? It's unbelievable what we can accomplish.
Now, when would you like to start? Oh, right away.
With scores like ours, there's not a moment to lose.
You said it.
Well, then, come with me.
(knock at door) All right, ladies, are you ready? ETHEL: Yes, ma'am.
Ah.
Now, the first thing we're going to take up is the matter of relaxing.
Tension is our greatest enemy today.
A charming woman is a relaxed woman.
Now, a little beauty secret is to take a few minutes every day and just relax.
Relax completely.
Let yourself go absolutely limp.
Now, try it.
A little more.
Much more.
More, more, more, more No, Mrs.
Ricardo, not that limp.
No.
Like this.
This is just a little trick for those days when you have to be on your feet all day.
Now you try.
That's right.
Now we'll work on our walk.
Let me see you walk.
Up.
Up, up, up, Mrs.
Ricardo.
In an upright position.
Oh.
You go over there, Mrs.
Mertz.
Okay.
And now, I'll show you how to walk.
You know, one doesn't lump along like a sack of meal.
Watch me.
One glides.
Let the hips carry the body.
The hips go first, and the body follows after.
Now you try, Mrs.
Ricardo.
The hips go first, huh? That's correct.
After you, hips.
(knock at door) Come in.
Hi, Rick.
Oh, hi, Fred.
What's new, old man? I don't know, oh, but something is.
Ethel told me to stay out of the bedroom and wait for her over here.
Uh-oh.
They must be cooking something together.
Yeah.
Lucy won't let us in our bedroom either.
She says to wait out here for a pleasant surprise.
Uh-oh.
Now, what do you think this pleasant surprise could be? Maybe they're leaving us.
No, no.
Well, Ethel's been acting strange all week.
So has Lucy.
How can you tell? That's a very good question.
LUCY: Yoo-hoo! Ricky! Yes! Close your eyes.
All right.
You may open your eyes now.
May I have a light, please? Thanks awfully, darling.
Who is that? It looks like Lucy.
Lucy? Yes, darling? It is Lucy.
Well, what do you know? (doorbell buzzes) Oh, that must be my dear friend Ethel.
Please, Fred.
I'll open the door.
Open it? I was going to lock it.
Oh, my dear fellow, you have such a refreshing wit.
I hope I didn't hold up the party.
Not at all, darling.
Do come in.
Who's that? What's that? Oh, Ethel, darling, you do look stunning.
You look divine, darling.
Oh, Ethel, what is all this? Lucy, 'splain.
"'Splain," darling? Well, you ignored us, so we knew you weren't happy with us the way we were.
So, we took an extensive course at Miss Emerson's Charm School.
Oh, so that's it, huh? Yes, that's it, darling.
Would you care to take two charming strangers out to dinner? Out to dinner? Uh, yes.
That's a great idea, Fred.
We can't waste all this charm here at home.
Oh, thank you, darling.
That's very, very sweet of you.
Uh, tell me dear, would you care to go to see Mrs.
Trumbull and show her our gowns? Well, just a minute.
We-we-we can't, we can't take out two such gorgeous ladies dressed like this.
Oh.
Oh, oh, of course, darling.
Uh, well, that's very sweet of you.
You go and change.
Come, dear, we'll show Mrs.
Trumbull.
Yes.
Let's let her get a load of us.
Did you ever see anything like that? I was waiting for Ethel to say "trick or treat.
" Then you open your big mouth and say something about taking them to dinner.
Wait a minute, Fred.
Don't get upset.
I've got a plan.
She really did seem to be impressed, didn't she? Oh, they're not here.
Oh.
Well, we might as well sit down and wait.
Okay.
I can't sit down.
Neither can I.
Well, we'll stand and wait.
Yeah.
Ricky, darling, do hurry, dear.
We're very hungry.
Just a minute! Isn't that cute? He wants to look so good.
Fred never took so long to dress.
He must be taking a bath.
Close your eyes! Open your eyes.
(gasps) Ricky Ricardo, what are you doing? I'm taking you out to dinner.
Dressed like that? Well, what's wrong with this? This is the latest thing at the Little Gentlemen's Finishing School.
Oh, Ricky (doorbell buzzes) That must be my good friend Frederick.
Enter.
Thank you, old chap.
Oh, good evening, ladies.
I trust I haven't kept you waiting, no? Fred Mertz.
All right, fellas, this isn't funny.
We thought you'd like us looking like this.
We've been working like dogs going to charm school and exercising and wearing mud packs And plucking our eyebrows and wearing chin straps.
All right, all right, we know what you had to go through, but this is not for you.
This is not your style.
This is phony.
I thought you'd pay attention to me if I was well-groomed and charming and attractive.
I don't want you well-groomed, charming and attractive.
I want you the way you were.
What? Oh, honey, I didn't mean it the way it sounded.
I mean, I like you the way you were.
Yeah, Ethel, I even like you the way you were.
Really? Yes.
Now come on, girls.
Let's go back the way we were, huh? You promise to stick close to us at parties? Like glue.
Well okay.
Back the way we were? All right.
Okay.
Back the way we were.
Four natural, lovable slobs.
(laughing) (I Love Lucy theme music plays) Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.
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org I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.
This is the CBS television network.