iCarly s03e14 Episode Script

I am so sorry.
Hello? Dad, what's going on? Ah, nothing.
I just got my hand in a chicken.
Yeah, it's dead.
Where are you? Oh, cool.
Hi.
Hey.
There's a chicken On your hand.
No, Carly just walked in.
Yeah, sure.
For you.
Who is it? Our creator.
Dad? He's on a submarine.
Oh, cool.
Dad, hey.
Yeah, we're doing iCarly tonight, why? No way.
How? How what? Really? Oh my God, that's so great.
What's great? So, everyone, on the whole sub? Every who on the whole what? Just stuff your chicken.
That's so amazing.
Right, so I guess I'll see you tonight.
I mean, I won't see you, But you'll see me.
You know what I mean.
Yeah.
Okay, you wanna talk To Spencer again? Oh, you don't.
Okay, bye.
What? His submarine's docked Right off the coast of alaska Where they have internet access.
So, he and the whole crew Are gonna watch iCarly tonight.
Fo realz? Fo yeah.
It's gonna be the first time He's seen our show live.
And why is your hand In a chicken? I got a date.
Who with? With a real woman.
As opposed to? I just I just mean she's like A really classy lady.
Get this.
Her name is Candice.
Classy.
She's the president Of her own company.
She reads books, And she wears pantyhose.
Impressive.
Yeah.
So you're making her dinner? She wrote in her online profile That she likes sophisticated men Who can cook.
So I'm making her dinner, And I bought these.
Sophisticated? I guess.
Where'd you get those? You know socko's cousin, The optometrist? Isaac? Yep.
Um, I think Your cell phone's ringing.
Yeah.
You see it? Could it be in your chicken? Aw, man.
Pretty sophisticated.
In five, four, three, two Hey, Carly.
Yeah? Is it weird if a guy Grows hair between his toes? Why? Do you? No Did you see Sam's e-mail? No, what e-mail? She's in jail.
What? What happened? She was at the jiffy mart Buying a snack And a guy cut in front of her.
So she shoved a hot chili dog Down his pants And it turns out The guy was an ambassador From Mexico.
Aw, Sam.
So then what happened? He yelled, "Los frijoles calientes "Quema mis pantalones.
No, I mean, with Sam? The cops showed up And took her down to juvy.
Her mom's on her way there, But Sam says there's no way She's getting out till tomorrow.
So, you're canceling iCarly? Well, I don't see how we're Gonna be able to do the show No, we're not Canceling iCarly.
We've never canceled the show.
And my dad's watching it Live tonight for the first time.
I thought Spencer was your dad.
Gibby.
Well, how are we gonna Do the show without Sam? Spencer.
Normal, here I come.
Spencer, Spencer.
Yeah, what's up? I need you to fill in for Sam On iCarly tonight.
Why? Where's Sam? Juvy.
Again? What'd she do? She shoved a hot chili dog Down a foreign Dignitary's pants.
Senor guttierez? Yeah, how'd you know? He tweeted about it.
How come you follow senor Please, shut up.
Will you do iCarly with me? Can't.
But dad's watching tonight.
We have to do it for dad.
You know, I have a date With Candice.
So, reschedule it.
She's already on her way.
Ah, come on.
Just have Candice wait down here Till the show is over.
Or she can come up and watch.
Yeah.
No! She's a very Sophisticated woman.
I can't have her thinking I spend my time Hanging with teenagers Doing goofy stuff.
That's like all you do.
Yeah, but I can't Have her thinking that.
She wears pantyhose.
Please? This is really important to me.
Any other night, You know I would, But this date is It'sshe'sshe's notno, no.
Carly, don't.
No, don't.
Unicorns and taffy.
Lip gloss.
Okay, okay.
I'll fill in for Sam tonight.
Yay, be upstairs In four minutes.
Three minutes.
I feel duped.
Just a moment.
Hello, Candice.
Spencer.
Won't you come in? Thank you.
May I take your coat? I'm not wearing a coat.
Touche.
What a charming place, So many toys and things.
Very whimsical.
Well, I have I have a teenage sister.
You know teenagers, What with their whimsical toys And such.
Spencer.
Oh, that's her now.
Here, why don't you have Some cucumber water, And I'll go see What Carly needs.
Thank you.
Until I return.
I'll be here.
Spencer? Yes? I think these are Pickle slices in the water.
Ah, pickles, The cucumber's grumpy cousin.
I'm here, when do we start? Tell me what I do.
Okay.
Freddie says, "In five, four, three, two," Then points at us.
Then we introduce the show.
Then after that we go To that wheel over there And do a bit called "Put that in your man purse," Which you don't know about But just play along And you'll figure it out As we go.
Why doesn't freddie say, "In five, four, three, Two, one?" No one knows.
I know.
No one cares.
Now hurry, take your jacket And glasses off.
But I look so sophisticated.
This is iCarly.
We don't do sophisticated.
Now, stand here next to me.
I am.
Ready or not, in five, Four, three, two.
I'm Carly.
And I'm Spencer, Filling in for Sam, who's been unexpectedly detained.
Yes, detained.
Now, this is a very special iCarly tonight, Because my dad Our dad.
He's both our dad's.
We're siblings.
They know that.
My dad, colonel steven shay Of the united states air force Is watching iCarly live tonight From a submarine Just off the coast of alaska.
I don't think you should Give away his position.
Uh, I meant The coast of nebraska.
Yes, deep in the Nebraskan ocean.
Okay, the first thing We're gonna do tonight is play A little game called Yes.
Now, this is a man purse.
It belongs to our Nasty doorman, Lewbert.
So nasty.
Last Thursday, Lewbert threw this man purse At our technical producer, Freddie.
It hit me in the neck.
So we're gonna fill it With something fun.
This way.
I'll go that way.
We're gonna spin this wheel And whatever it lands on that's the substance We're gonna pour Into Lewbert's man purse? Who catches on fast? Me! And now it's time to Spin that wheel.
Go Spencer.
Well, okay.
Sour milk.
Ta-Da.
We left this gallon of milk Out in the sun for two weeks.
Jeez.
And now let's open Lewbert's man purse.
Go.
Oh, gross.
Merry christmas.
Okay, now we'll Let that marinate.
Now, please enjoy Our little friend Gibby As he teaches us New vocabulary words While simultaneously Brushing his teeth with mustard.
Gibby? I'll be right back.
Where are you going? Candice doesn't know I'm doing this.
I have to stall her.
Okay, but hurry back.
Will do.
No, I know.
Ah-Ha, there you are.
There you are.
I was starting to worry.
Ah, I was just helping My little sister with an issue.
You know how teenage girls Can be.
Oh, yes.
What was her problem? Why don't we sit down? All right.
Right this way.
Here we are.
That is a purple dress.
Now, why don't you try Some of these mushroom tartlets? Oo, I'd love one.
And I'll be right back After I run upstairs Just to check You know the first time I ever had a mushroom tartlet? No, I don't.
Well, I just finished Business school, And one of my professors Invites me to this party At his condo.
Oh-Ho, professors and condos.
Listen, I'll be right back After I Wait, wait, wait.
So I show up at the party Dressed casual.
Casual? Business casual.
But when I get in, I see it is black tie formal.
So I'm hopelessly underdressed.
No.
Yes.
And then, he says Why isn't Spencer back yet? I don't know, But Gibby's been doing this bit For four minutes.
So it's at least an hour And a half later.
And I come back to the party, Now dressed appropriately Yay, a happy ending.
Now, I really should go upstairs And check on Carly.
Wait, I'm getting to the part About the mushroom tartlet.
Are you? Can I stop? Spencer's not back yet.
Keep going.
It tastes so bad.
Where have you been? Candice was telling me A story about mushroom tartlets And wouldn't shut up.
Well, hurry up And put on that cowboy stuff.
Okay, okay.
Cornucopia.
Sorry Gibby, That's all we have time for.
And now Hi.
Oh, well hello there, Farm girl.
You have a squirrel On your face.
Why, no ma'am.
The only furry thing Upon my face would be This a'here mustache.
Really? Well, excepting for these, Which is eyesbrow.
Those are baby squirrels.
What? No ma'am, you've made a mistake, Part two.
I'm afraid I must reittamerate, "There ain't nary No squirrels upon my face.
" You're stupid.
What's up? Hi.
Hey.
You just done went And bit my foot.
You'll wake up the squirrels On your face.
There ain't a'no squirrels On my face.
This concludes Tonight's installment of And now, please enjoy This pre-Taped, Super-Slow motion footage Of Carly shaking her Very wet hair, Much like a dog after a swim.
Please don't go Back downstairs Till the show's over.
I have to.
Dad's watching.
I want the show to be great.
I'll be back Up in three minutes.
You said that last time.
I promise.
Okay, after the wet Hair thing, Play a couple more clips While I set up for "hey, What am I licking?" Okay.
Who's gonna be the licker? You.
Awesome.
Here I come.
Sorry, it took so long, But Carly needed Who's hungry? I am.
Are you all right? Sure, why? What? Well, you just tumbled down A flight of hardwood stairs, And you're wearing A big fake mustache.
Oh, yes.
I was just helping Carly With a biology project For school.
How's a fake mustache Tie in with A high school biology project? Do you like yams? Sure.
Good, 'cause I made A lovely yam puree With almond butter To go with our Roasted stuffed chicken.
How's that sound? Delicious, And it smells divine.
Divine.
Now, you sit there.
All right.
And here's some yam puree Thank you.
Try it.
Okay.
Mmmmm, the almond butter Gives it such a rich Okay, is it a shoe? No, no.
Keep guessing.
Um, is it a guitar? No, lick it again.
C'mon, 23 seconds left.
Um, is it a basket? Oh, wrong, not a basket.
Listen to your tongue.
My tongue is still numb From the mustard.
Is it a tennis racquet? Yes.
Good licking, gib.
Yeah, baby.
This has been Okay.
Coming up next, the englishman Who was a terrible father To his two children Named fuffley & peeta.
Fuffley and peeta! But for the next two minutes, Please enjoy this footage That freddie shot Of a crazy old man Screaming at a stop sign.
Playback.
I'm in a hurry, You red octagonal demon.
Turn green.
What happened to johnny carson? Answer me that.
me.
What is that sound? It's your new baby, Me little brother.
I have no new baby.
But of course you do.
His name is lumpley.
Look, the nanny Is bringing him now.
Here's baby lumpley.
It's my family.
Yay, I live in england.
Baby wumpwee want to have An english accent.
That is not my child.
Remove him.
But sir, you requested, I bring him.
He is indeed Your child, father.
Poppycock.
Poppycock.
Baby wumpwee wanna do The poppycock dance.
Now, baby hungee.
Someone feed that beast.
Might I also have Some food, father? No, floss my toes.
Oh, father.
Get between daddy's toes.
Floss.
Father, please.
It smells like gorgonzola.
Yay, baby so hungee.
Have some creamed fish.
Yay, hungee, hungee.
Creamed fish is bad.
No, no more.
I don't want it.
What is going on here? Baby was worried This would happen.
Spencer? Could you give me Like five minutes And I'll be right down? I've been waiting Almost a half-hour Down there by myself.
And what is all this anyway? It's a live web show, And we refuse To break character.
Who is this woman? Off with her head.
If her head does come off, Might I please eat it? I feel it's time For baby lumpley to have Some more creamed fish.
Oh! Oh, good heavens.
Baby lumpley has creamed fish Stuck in his gullet.
I'll heimlich his tummy.
That wasn't very sophisticated.
You're all freaks.
Come again.
Strumpet.
Bye, bye, pantyhose.
Well, I think that's it For this unusual episode Of iCarly.
I love you, dad.
Stay safe.
Bye daddy.
I'm sorry if this Embarrasses you.
Wait.
Before we go, I think baby lumpley wants Some more creamed fish.
No! Ah, baby no like