It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s03e14 Episode Script

Oh, my God.
There's a masturbating bum in the alley.
He's masturbating.
Yeah.
I know about that guy.
Masturbating bums are bad for business.
Yes.
I saw that guy's wiener.
He's gonna rip it off one of these days.
It's disgusting.
It really is.
This whole goddamn neighborhood is going to shit.
There is a deteriorating situation here, and we gotta do something about it.
We should get a junkyard dog.
Okay? A really mean, nasty junkyard dog.
Ooh.
We'll chain him up in the alley.
We'll scare away the bums.
That's it.
Charlie, it's not just about our alley.
It's about this whole neighborhood.
I think we should make this whole neighborhood safe again.
Yeah.
Kind of leaning towards the junkyard dog idea.
You like the dog idea? I'd go for a dog.
Now, first order of business is thanking Jean for working so hard on our monthly crime watch newsletter.
Uh, do you have a question? Yeah.
New to the crew.
Uh, quick question about the uniform situation.
Now, I like to cut my sleeves off.
It's kind of my look.
So I'm wondering if the tailor is provided for us, or I'm left to my own devices.
We don't have uniforms.
Now, but Yes? Yeah.
Will you be providing the weapons? No.
No.
Oh! I get it.
Okay.
We go buy the weapons.
We tell you how much we spent, and you reimburse us.
Great.
It doesn't work like that.
You gotta give him a receipt.
Oh, I would make a copy of the receipt.
You give them the original.
I would give them the original and I would keep the copy? That seems stupid.
That's how reimbursement works.
If something happens to the weapons, I'm shit out of luck? You just ask 'em for the original back.
I'm sure they got a system.
Why would they keep the original? I'm the one that bought the gun.
Oh, it's a gun now.
It's always been a gun, Dee.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Hi.
We don't carry weapons.
We're just a neighborhood watch.
Wait.
So you people don't apprehend criminals? If we see anything suspicious, we call the police.
The police? The police.
The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless and you people are counting on the police? Clearly we are gonna have to handle this ourselves, Dee.
You, sir, have wasted my time, and the time of my associate.
Dee, get my coat.
You hear barking? I don't hear no dogs.
They'll run out and bite you in the nuts.
They're probably sleepin'.
You don't wanna wake 'em.
Probably chained up.
I don't hear a dog.
We'll ask this guy.
Excuse me, sir.
Where am I finding your junkyard dogs? My what? We wanna buy a junkyard dog.
We want the most vicious one you have.
Yeah, a really nasty dog.
Really nasty dog.
We don't have no dogs.
What I'm sorry.
Is this not a junkyard? You don't have a dog? We got a cat round here somewhere.
Cat? We don't We don't want a cat.
Walt a minute.
Wait a minute.
Believe me, that's a tough cat.
It was born in a pool of gasoline, on a piece of rusty scrap metal.
I've seen that cat jump through barbed wire into a vat of hot tar.
That cat Is indestructible.
We don't want no cat.
Great.
It's a cat.
We want a dog.
Well, now, wait a second.
I wouldn't mind taking a look at that cat.
Come on, dude.
What are we gonna do with a cat? Whoa.
Go ahead.
Knock yourself out.
Is that a cop car? You guys, if we park that in front of Paddy's, no more bums.
No problems, period.
Is that old cop car for sale? Everything's for sale.
We'll take it.
And throw in that cat.
This thing's cool, right? Yeah, it's very cool.
The seating's a little tight.
The seating is very tight.
It's cramped.
Well, I know it's cramped.
Maybe if a certain someone didn't buy a certain something there'd be a little bit more room up here.
This guy's not the problem.
This guy's not the problem.
You're the problem.
I'm the problem, dude? You're the problem.
Why don't you jump in the back? I called shotgun.
You have to get in the back.
I wanna fiddle with all the gadgets.
Fool with 'em.
Why are we stopped? Yeah, why are we stopped? It's a red light.
We're in a cop car.
Make 'er sing.
Boom.
We look so stupid.
We look awesome.
Throw that on.
I'm not putting on a beret.
Gotta wear the beret.
It's terrible, and I don't get the point.
It sends a message, Dee.
The Guardian Angels wore the same, exact outfit when they cleaned up the streets of New York City in the 1970s.
We look like Rerun.
You know what I hear when you talk like that? A scared little girl who's never had anyone fear her.
Fear is power, Dee.
Don't you get that? It's like a drug.
Once you get a taste of it, you can never get enough.
If I promise to wear this stupid thing, will you stop talking? Absolutely.
All right.
Let's roll.
What's that? That's my mini bat.
You're gonna hit that bum? No, I'm not gonna hit anybody.
That's the best part about fear and intimidation, Dee.
All you gotta do is look the part.
Now what do you think about these suspenders? All right, you ready? I mean, I guess so.
Let's clean up the streets.
This is how it's gonna work.
You're gonna walk right up to him.
You're gonna kindly ask him to leave.
He's gonna see me with the bat, looking tough.
He's gone.
That's it? That's all you need to do when you look like a badass, Dee.
That's not gonna work.
Yes, It will.
Oh, Mac, I can hear It.
Come on.
He's smiling at me.
All right, give me the bat.
You know what, asshole? You like that, bitch? Huh? I am not your little pinup girl for you to tug your rotten pecker at! Go on, get out of here.
You're one crazy bitch.
I don't wanna see you or your dirty balls in my alley again! Whoa! Yeah.
Yeah, you took my bat.
I kicked that guy's ass.
I would have helped you.
I need my bat back.
That was awesome.
Okay, that was, but next time just don't take my bat.
Heyo! Freeze, punk.
Cool, huh? Gonna ride around In a cop car, can't do It In street clothes.
People'll think you stole it.
That's awesome.
Where's mine? Uh Uh, well, Charlie, these things cost me a pretty penny.
Yeah, Frank really sprung for all the bells and whistles.
You shittin' me? You didn't get me one? You guys know how I love dressing up in costumes.
Dude, that's bullshit.
Charlie, you can't have three guys dressed in cop suits in the front seat of a cop car.
No.
It don't look right.
Plus we need room for Agent Bauer.
Well, who's Agent Bauer? Oh, come on.
You're gonna let the stupid junkyard cat ride up front? It smells like it's been dumped in a bucket of piss.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Do not refer to him as a junkyard cat.
He has a name Agent Jack Bauer.
Come on, I don't wanna ride around in the back seat.
Charlie You can be disguised as an undercover cop in the back seat.
Yeah, dude.
Then you can wear all the disguises you want.
Damn it! That is such a good idea.
No one's gonna know, dude.
I'm gonna be, like, "You're busted.
Hello.
How ya doin'? You're busted.
" All right, let's get you back to C.
T.
U.
, Agent Bauer.
Ho! Over here, pal.
Hey, hey.
Boys in blue.
What's shakin', pal? Ahh.
Hey, you fellas hungry? Couple my best dogs, on the house.
That sounds like the move.
Yeah, you boys cruise in one of the old models, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.
This is a place of junk.
They're cuttin' back.
The brass is breakin' our balls.
Say, what'd this guy do? We caught him diddling kids over at a playground.
Yeah, he's a perv.
We're gonna bust him up good.
You just go and get us a couple of those tasty dogs.
Okay, okay.
Let me see what I can do, huh? Okay.
Okay.
Holy shit, that actually worked.
These uniforms are gonna pay for themselves 10 times over.
You're brilliant, man.
You know what else I realized? They didn't even realize I was an undercover cop.
Yeah, okay.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna become Al Pacino in Serpico.
I'm gonna be Al Pacino Nobody cares.
Get in there.
You're gonna ruin it.
Hey, hey.
Here you go, boys.
You keep up the good work.
All righty.
Thanks, pal.
I got a great Serpico costume.
Diddle, diddle, diddle.
Yeah, it's It's really something else.
I don't care.
Get in the car.
Don't push my head like that.
Let's go, Frank.
Dennis, do you have to take that cat everywhere we go? Yeah.
He's awesome.
Have you taken a good look at this guy? He's hilarious.
It's a mangy cat.
I don't like the cat.
Serpico doesn't like the cat one bit.
I don't give a shit, Charlie 'cause you're not Serpico.
I'm goin' on record.
We gotta get rid of that cat.
It stinks.
Stinkin' cat.
We're not gettin' rid of the cat.
There's nothing you guys can do.
The cat outranks you.
I'm not outranked by a cat.
Oh, yeah, you are.
Cat's a special agent.
Are you a special agent? Here's a special agent over there.
Look at this guy here.
He's jaywalking.
Take it easy, Charlie.
Take it easy.
No, no.
Back me up here.
I'm goin' in.
Hey, guy! Charlie, where you goin'? What are you doing? Hello, guy! Hello! You wanna stop for a second? You like just crossin' the street whenever you want, makin' up your own laws? I'm sorry You ought to be sorry.
You just jaywalked, buddy.
You gonna give me a ticket? That depends on how much money you got in your wallet.
I don't know.
Like, 15 bucks, I guess.
Fork it over.
And the watch.
You're serious? Do I look like I'm smiling? Are we smiling? I can't believe this is happening.
Believe it, buddy.
Gimme your watch.
Come on.
Take a walk.
Get out of here.
Yeah, get the hell out of here.
Useless.
Put an egg in your shoe and beat it.
What the hell was that shit right there? Huh? We got 15 bucks.
We got I don't want a cut.
You don't take your cut, how do we know how to trust you? That's dirty money.
Look, guys, we're cops.
All right? We're not out here to bribe people.
Will you stop doing that stupid voice? What are you doin'? I told you I was gonna do Pacino.
You sound like an asshole.
Well, you guys are taking bribes now.
That's bullshit.
I'm walkin'.
Oh, you're gonna do Christopher Walken now? I'm not doing Christopher Walken.
I'm walking from the situation.
Get the hell out of here.
Go on.
Go on.
You guys are crooked cops, and I don't like it.
The kid's nuts.
He's an idiot.
Gimme my cut.
Here's five bucks.
Gimme that.
I'll take the 10.
All right.
I'm keepin' the watch.
Keep the watch.
I'm going to.
Watch out for the cars.
Whoa! Hey! Hold it.
Hey, toots.
Knock, knock.
Can I help you? The real question is, can we help you? See, my partner and I have been cleaning up the streets the past couple days.
Is that right? Yeah, that's right.
We know how the system works.
You guys can't get your hands dirty.
We're not afraid of that.
Getting physical That's not a problem for us.
We are all on the same team.
Okay? So if you could fast track us through like, a citizen deputy type program Yeah, and, you know, toss us a couple of badges.
You know, make it all legal.
We can work together on this.
Well, let's see.
Oh! You know what? I'm fresh out of badges.
Oh.
I get it.
I see what you did.
See, I sense your sarcasm.
I'm used to it.
Okay? Let me just say Doesn't help, and I don't appreciate it.
It just hurts my feelings, because we are sticking our necks out for you guys and, frankly, doing your job better than you are.
Really? I tell you what.
I do know of a neighborhood that could use your help.
Perfect.
Where? Davis? Leroy? These two Guardian Angels would love to help you clean up your beat.
Okay, gentlemen, thank you for the ride.
Quick question.
What time are you picking us up? No, no, no.
Oh, shit.
Well, we're screwed.
No, Dee, Dee, Dee.
Relax, okay? So we are in a lower socioeconomic, African American neighborhood.
Yes, we are, but that's okay.
That's okay.
We're Guardian Angels.
That's fine.
We're tough, right? We're tough.
Okay! Right.
Okay.
Stop doing that.
Guardian Angels, right? We're Guardian Angels, blind to this kind of thing.
Yes, okay.
We can do this.
We are gonna make these streets safe We are gonna make these streets safe.
Everything is gonna That was a gunshot.
We're gonna die here.
Let's get out of here.
Let's find a guy and figure out where the bus stop is.
He seems safe.
Let's ask him.
He seems nice.
Excuse me, sir.
Oh, thank God we found you.
We are in a very rough neighborhood, and we are lost.
Could you please direct us to the nearest bus stop? How you doin'? Uh, hi.
How are ya? I'm good.
I'm good.
You movin' in soon? Pardon me? You've been loitering on this corner for the last 20 minutes like you own the goddamn place.
I don't think I follow you.
Oh, yeah? Don't get cute with me, pal.
I will jam you up so hard.
I will jam you from morning until night.
You wanna get jammed up? Huh? You like gettin' jammed up? No.
No.
No.
I didn't think so.
Good.
Gimme that wallet.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Let's go.
Come on.
All right.
What do we got here? Oh.
Time to hit the A.
T.
M.
, huh? So I'll have five hot dogs.
I want you to mash one of' em up in a bowl.
Put some milk or some water, you know? Mash it up nice and good, but, you know, four regulars, five hot dogs altogether.
Look, I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but no more free hot dogs.
I mean, look, maybe if it was just you I could swing it but it's you, your partner, and now I'm feedin' your cat? I just can't afford it.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Sorry.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Oh.
Where are our hot dogs? He won't cough up the hot dogs.
This goddamn cat is screwin' up everything.
We gotta get rid of the cat, Dennis.
Tough titties, pal.
I'm not gettin' rid of the cat.
Tough titties? Yeah, tough titties.
Dennis, this thing with the cat has gone too far.
I'm puttin' my foot down.
It's gonna be either the cat or me.
Okay, I choose the cat.
All right, then I'm takin' the badge.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doin'? Are you crazy? Get out of here.
Hey, I bought that badge, I bought this uniform and I bought that cop car.
I don't give a shit.
I'm gonna tell you something, buddy.
Your days as a cop of this town are over.
You and that mangy cat.
This is a stinkin', dirty hellhole of a town.
And I'm gonna clean it up.
Let's do this thing.
See, now I feel very powerless.
I don't like it.
I would like to beat somebody up so I could feel better.
You try to do something good, and you get nothing in return.
What is the point? Respect.
Reward.
Compensation for a job well done.
What's with the cat? Don't start in on the cat.
I swear to God, I will jam you into the middle of next week.
We will jam and jam and jam until there is nothing left of the two of you to jam.
Do you understand what we're saying to you? Not really.
Calm down, dude.
All right, here's the situation.
Frank and I got our hands on a cop car.
We were cruisin' around in it.
We were actin' like cops.
Everything was goin' great, but then it got to Frank's head and he squeezed me out.
You two have not begun to feel the power and respect that you get when you are cruising around in a cop car.
See, we've been cleaning up the streets, and all we've gotten is mugged.
You deserve better than that.
We deserve better than that.
So here's what we gotta do.
We gotta get rid of Frank.
We gotta get our hands on that cop car.
Yeah, okay.
I'm in.
What's the plan? All right.
Frank's got beef with a certain hot dog vendor and I was thinkin', if something bad were to happen to one of his carts Well, we could put the frame on Frank.
Really get him into some trouble.
Right, Jack? Bingo.
What'd you say, Charlie? Huh? You just said something.
No, I was, uh I think you said, "bingo.
" Stop playing with your stupid tape recorder.
Go clean those bathrooms.
That's not a Charlie, clean the bathroom.
Mmm.
What is this? That right there is a tale of corruption and intrigue the likes of which are gonna rock this city.
"Spin Doctors mix"? I taped over the Spin Doctors mix.
Sir, I do not have time to listen to your mix tape.
No, it's not a m Look, uh, I'm ready to blow my whistle here.
You know what I'm saying? I got a laundry list of corruption charges Extortion, bribery, junkyard cats.
This is nasty, heavy stuff.
Now, you gonna listen to this tape or not? No, I am not.
Oh.
Oh, I get it.
You're one of them, huh? A crooked cop.
Yeah, I get it! Everybody's a crooked cop, huh? Am I the only cop left in Philadelphia who ain't crooked? Oh Oh, I see what's happening.
You wanna come at Serpico, huh? Who wants a place of Serpico? 'Cause I'll give It to you.
I'll give a piece, 'cause you're forgetting about this.
And you're forgetting about whatever the hell that is.
But you're forgetting about it.
And I'm gonna take this right to the mayor, and you're gonna remember.
We really gotta do something about these homeless people.
That kitty is really loving this Molotov cocktail.
Ho, ho, ho there, Jack.
That's not a toy.
He's slurping down that gasoline no problem.
What's the deal with that? Yeah, he's got a thing for gasoline.
He was born in a pool of it.
Hello.
Just stopped in for a cold beer to enjoy with my free hot dog.
You parked in a red zone.
I'm gonna let it fly this time, but be careful.
Oh, thanks, Frank.
I appreciate that.
I'll take care of it.
Yeah.
In fact, Special Agent Bauer and I intend to take care of a few things today.
Oh, hey there, guys.
What's goin' on, huh? Up to no good? A little crime and corruption? I hope you guys don't mind if I borrow this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Charlie, what are you doing? Charlie, where you going? Oh, you know where I'm going, Frank.
Charlie, drop your weapon.
Don't do that.
What are you doing? I'm putting an end to this, is what I'm doing.
Oh, no.
Charlie We were supposed to be cops.
We were supposed to care about justice, and it got to your head.
I'll get a hose.
That's not gonna do any good.
I doused the whole car full of gasoline.
What? Whoa! Goddamn It, Jack Bauer.
You really are the man.
Okay, Mr.
Mayor.
Feast your ears on that Spin Doctors mix.
Hooah!