Just Shoot Me! (1997) s03e14 Episode Script

Is that fried chicken? What are you doing? Taking my new cholesterol medicine out for a spin.
Your doctor said you were supposed to stay away from fatty foods.
My doctor says one thing, my butcher says something else.
Who are you supposed to believe? So you wanted to see me? Oh, yeah.
I got an exciting assignment for you.
We have a bunch of kids coming in tomorrow on a field trip.
And you know how you're always going on about education until you're blue in the face.
I've mentioned it twice.
What, you're running for governor? Let it go.
Quick.
Jack, where's your secret door? I need a way out.
What on earth are you talking about? Uh, my dad just got off the elevator and I can't let him see me.
I know you have a secret door.
Why don't you wanna see your dad? Because ever since he and my mom got a divorce, all he wants to do is talk about his feelings.
It's creepy.
So I'll just sneak out and you can tell him I don't work here anymore.
But, Dennis Damn it, Jack, where's the door? Dennis, there is no secret door.
Besides, nothing is more important than family, and by God, I will not stand by idly while you duck your responsibilities as a son.
Where's your compassion for a man in need? You're right.
That was wonderful what you said.
Quick, lock it before he drags that big crybaby in here.
Jack.
Jack, what are two words that sell magazines? Multiple orgasms.
I'm talking about Tyra Banks for the cover.
Don't you have a huge crush on her? Maya, I deal with supermodels on a daily basis and I can assure you that I love her so much it hurts.
We were at this fundraiser in South Beach and we caught each other's eyes across the room.
I'm telling you it was magic.
So, did you talk to her? No, I couldn't.
I was making out with someone at the time.
Anyway, you know, I'm picking out some props at that new spy shop on 54th and I ran into her manager.
Spy shop? Yeah.
And he said that her booking for tomorrow got postponed and if we wanted Everyone out! I got a ton of work.
Come on.
Out.
Out.
Hi, Red.
How you doin'? Hi, Elliott.
How you doin'? Good to see you.
Hi, Red.
Hi.
Finch? Ow! Dennis, there you are.
I've been waiting for you.
Hey, Dad, there you are.
I was just tying my shoes.
Attaboy.
Double knots.
(EXCLAIMS) Come over here! No! Oh, it's so good to see you.
My heart is broken into a thousand pieces.
Yeah, so's my inhaler.
Dennis, I gotta talk to you.
You think you could take a personal day? Yeah.
You know who'd love to talk about divorce? Jack, right there.
Jack? Secret door! Damn it! I tell you, Son, I've been hoping your mother would come to her senses, but ever since she hooked up with that preacher man, I'm starting to have my doubts.
Mom's dating a preacher? (EXCLAIMS) You should see him speed walking around town.
Or driving his electric car or drinking his $3 coffees.
Oh, he's a fancy one.
How come no one told me? What do you mean? I e-mail you from the firehouse almost every day.
I never get your Oh, you're Big Flamer? You know what, I always delete those.
You know, people on the Net are so friendly.
Some guy invited me to Key West.
Well, well, well, Red Finch.
Why didn't someone yell, "Man on the floor"? Nina, get away from my dad! Toodles.
Hey, I didn't know about the preacher.
I'm sorry.
Well, what are you gonna do? Yeah.
No, I'm asking you, what are you gonna do? I was thinking maybe you could phone your mother.
Why me? Because you're the closest thing she ever had to a daughter.
Dad.
Well, I just miss your mother.
I miss holding her.
You know how long it's been since we had relations? I don't think I wanna know.
The night Johnny Carson said goodbye to America, your mother was a hot pool of need.
(GROANING) I was home that night.
We all shared an afghan.
Oh.
There must be some way to get her back.
You know what, put it out of your mind.
Throw yourself into work.
Go out there and fight some fires.
Dennis, you may wanna sit down with what I have to tell you.
What are you doing? Looking for a chair.
Don't be a jackass.
They took my axe away, Son.
What happened? Ah, the day after your mother left me, I was breaking down the door of a burning high rise.
I saw those flames and I froze.
I froze, Dennis! Hey, chicken.
Who are you calling chicken? The term is post traumatic stress syndrome.
Not chicken, or yellow belly, or little Foo Foo Firehouse Quimby.
No, but I didn't mean to Yeah, yeah, do you think you're man enough to stare into the eye of the orange beast? Well, do you? How dare you judge me! Who made you God? Hey, chicken.
Nina, I've got a sidebar that might go with your summer fashion section.
Huh? You feeling okay? Yeah.
Yeah.
I just got a call.
My parents are selling the family farm.
Oh.
I know it's silly.
But, I mean, who would care about a thing like that? But it's, you know, it's the house that I was born in.
It's where I put on my first party dress.
You know, it's funny.
I spent my whole life trying to get away from that place, but now that it's gone It's tough.
I remember when my mom Maya, this is my crisis.
Well, I guess my friend Binnie was right when she so wisely noted, "You can't go home again.
" Actually, I think it was Thomas Wolfe who said that.
No, I'm quite sure it was Binnie.
Jack? Where's Jack? I haven't seen him.
I'll leave a note on his desk.
(EXCLAIMING) Where did you come from? What? I've been here.
But I just Anyway, I was gonna leave you a note.
Great news.
I just talked to Tyra's manager and he said she's willing to do the cover.
She'll be here tomorrow.
Speaking of Tyra Banks, I checked out that spy shop like you suggested.
I didn't suggest you Take a look.
Is it an ordinary briefcase or a lethal weapon? (ZAPPING) Wow, a stun gun.
That's really, uh Are you sure you know how to use that, Jack? What's to know? You zap a punk, he drops.
Yeah, I guess.
It's just that I've seen you with toys before and Elliott, this isn't a toy.
It's a serious weapon.
Which should be used only in extreme cases of self-defense.
Okay.
Dennis, cancel the limo.
I'll be taking the subway home.
(PHONE RINGING) Jack Gallo's office.
Ah, no, I'm sorry, he's not here.
Ah, neither is your mother.
He'll be back shortly.
Yeah, I thought your mother would be back shortly.
I'm bothering you, aren't I? No, Dad, you're not bothering me.
(PHONE RINGING) Gloria, I know it's you.
Now damn it, Gloria.
Talk to me.
Talk to me, Gloria! Hello? Hello? Hello? She hung up.
That's the tenth time today.
Dad! What? Do you smell smoke? Huh? We've been having trouble with the copy machine.
I'm sure it's nothing.
I better check it out.
Copy rooms.
Little dark spaces, jammed with paper and chemicals and electricity.
Why don't they just write kaboom on the door? Uh! Why can't I have normal parents? (CHUCKLING) Are you asking me about normal parents? Yeah.
Sorry.
He's gotta move on, but he won't.
I don't know what to tell him.
Hmm.
Look, I'm the child of several divorces, and I suggest you do what I did.
Be angry and bitter? I'm not bitter.
Although I have every right to be.
"It's not your fault, Maya.
" Oh, how many times did I hear that? Not enough! A new bike can't give you a hug! (EXHALING) Okay, that was scary.
Just tell your father that you love him and you support him, but it's time to get on with his life.
Hold your ground.
RED: Dennis! Gotta go.
I have to admit, I thought you sent me in there just to get rid of me.
Then I felt that warm extension cord.
Good work, boy.
Yeah.
Dad, we have to talk.
I'll go first.
I get so lonely sometimes I put on Herb Alpert and dance around the living room with your mother's old housecoat.
Scratch that.
I have to talk.
You have to sit.
What? You heard me, sit down! Dad, Mom's not coming back.
In fact, she and the preacher are going away together this weekend.
In the electric car.
She's gone.
It's time for you to move on, like she did.
In the electric car.
Okay.
Will you shut up about the electric car? Dad, I know this divorce has been hard on you.
It's been hard on everyone.
I hate the fact you guys aren't together anymore, but I know there's nothing we can do about it.
You gotta move on.
You're right.
What am I doing? I got the whole rest of my life to live.
Thanks, Son.
And if you ever tell me to shut up again, I'll toss you like a lawn dart.
That was great! Yeah.
That felt good.
Yeah, you and I, we're like kindred spirits.
And if you're interested, I'm in the support group called Adult Children of Divorce.
It's cool, we rap, we share, we do trust games.
Hmm, needy women with low self esteem looking for a father figure.
Oh, forget it.
No! I like it, I'm in.
What night? Dennis! I'm going now.
Hey, you don't have to go.
No.
No, no.
You really opened my eyes.
It's time for me to move on.
I'm just trying to help.
You ready to go, fireman? Let's boogie.
(EXCLAIMS) You know, that place was home to my family for two centuries.
Hmm.
When I think of home, I think of Gloria.
You know, I met her when I was 15.
Wow.
Even back then, I knew I wanted to be a fireman.
That's what we feared in those days, fire.
And Russians and rabid dogs.
Ah, things seemed much simpler then.
Well, didn't you think it was gonna get easier as you got older? Well, I certainly hoped so.
Life just seems to just kick you in the head, you know? I always thought I'd have my Gloria.
Yeah.
I always thought I'd have my home.
Who was it, said, "You can't go home again"? My friend Binnie.
Go away.
I'm not listening to you.
Why are you so worked up? Because it's Nina.
So? So, for God's sake, my dad's not ready for someone like her.
His whole life he's only had one woman.
Nina's had five.
Hey, Dad.
What the hell are you doing here? Sure, we'll join you.
Well, I guess we better order another round.
Great.
No alcohol! We don't need a drink to have fun.
Dennis, can I talk to you for minute over there by that load-bearing wall? What are you doing? Me? What are you doing with Nina? Dennis, I love you like a son.
And I appreciate your concern.
But if you're insinuating that anything more is happening here than two people talking, I will drive you into the ground like a railroad spike.
Yes, sir.
It's just a dessert.
I'm not gonna let it get to me.
Put it out already! Hey, how about ordering something? No, I think Dennis and I were just leaving.
Right, Dennis? Yeah, right.
Sorry to impose.
Dad, I'll talk to you later.
Nina, I'll see you tomorrow.
Huh, I don't think so.
Tomorrow's Saturday.
Tomorrow's Tuesday.
See you tomorrow.
Ah, they're good kids.
Oh, yeah, I always say that.
Hey, you want to do something completely crazy? You mean, like go back to your hotel and comfort each other in a way only lovers can? Gee, I was gonna suggest one of those flaming desserts, but let's go with your idea.
What do you think? Very sharp.
It's for Tyra.
That's right.
Today's the big day when you finally meet the future Mrs.
DiMauro.
Yeah, I even memorized a French love poem.
(RECITING IN FRENCH) Would you mind not repeating that when the first graders come here? Why? Because you just said, "There once was a man from Nantucket who loved his horse so much he" (SHOUTING) Finch! What's that? You say you want all my money? Sure.
Will that be cash or charge? (ZAPPING) Hey, Jack.
Hey.
Hey, love the threads.
Oh, you do? Thanks.
I want everything to be perfect for Tyra.
Well, don't forget to take some cover photos before you two go running off to live happily ever after.
(LAUGHING) I won't forget, Jack.
You see, I knew you'd understand.
You of all people know the pursuit of true love.
Oh, Tyra's the real thing.
Just give me a reason.
What? I didn't say anything.
I mean, Jack, the chemistry was so real between us, without even meeting.
Let me ask you something, do you believe in love at first sight? Make a move.
Oh, for God's sakes, put that stun gun away before you kill someone.
What makes you think I haven't already? In the long history of the world, publishing has been one of its noblest pursuits.
It is the written word that betters us as a society.
Who wants to ride the elevator? ALL: (SCREAMING) Me! Okay! Dennis, my boy, there you are.
Why are you two holding hands? Why are you wearing the same thing as last night? Before you jump to any conclusions, there's a perfectly good explanation.
Your father and I had sex.
You two had sex? Watch your mouth.
We decided to just come out and tell you.
We didn't want to keep any secrets.
I can't believe you two guys got together.
One more crude comment like that, I will put you through a window.
Okay, kids, here we go.
Here we go.
Besides, I'm just doing what you told me to do.
I should be thanking you.
As should I.
You know, your father's hands are so callused, I didn't even need to loofa this morning.
I can't believe this is happening.
All right.
Look, uh, Dennis.
I know that we've never seen eye to eye, but can't you just be glad that your father and I have grabbed a little happiness in this screwed up world? I mean, it's a nightmare out there.
Parents getting divorced.
Children losing their homes.
I mean, there's nothing to believe in.
There is no Tooth Fairy, no Easter Bunny, no Santa Claus.
So, come on, let's just embrace the good times, huh? (CHILDREN CRYING) Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, see you later.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Jack? Have you seen Dennis? No.
Something the matter, Red? Well, I think this thing with Nina's got him a little upset.
Nina? What's that crazy, mixed-up broad done this time? We're dating.
Hey, good for you.
She's the best.
What's this? It's a stun gun.
The latest spy technology.
(ZAPPING) That's cute.
That didn't hurt? Nah.
Now you know what hurts? A cannonball to the gut.
(EXCLAIMS) (ZAPPING) Now it's getting annoying.
Dear God, I walked through Central Park for three hours last night.
Listen, I got Dennis some sugar cookies.
I left them outside.
Hey, Red.
Hey.
Jack, Tyra's on her way up.
Oh, I told you to stop playing with that thing.
Oh, it doesn't work anyway.
See? (ZAPPING) (LAUGHING) God, it does work.
Hi, Tyra Banks for Elliott DiMauro.
Mmm.
Hello, sugar cookie.
Who you calling sugar cookie? Uh, no, I wasn't Let me tell you something.
I'm a person, not some little cheap piece of your eye candy.
So, to imply otherwise is insulting my job, me and my gender.
No, but I No, you know what? You need to just get lost! Mmm, sugar cookie.
Tyra.
Elliott, it's really nice to see you.
(MUMBLING) Do you remember, I saw you at that fundraiser in Miami? Are you okay? Poem.
Poem? You know what? You are scaring me.
No.
Get away from me, you freak! (SCREAMING) Never mind what that bad lady at the elevator said.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
(CHILDREN SCREAMING) The other thing that they said in my group, is that it is very common for somebody just divorced to have a rebound fling.
And that's what happened with your dad and Nina.
Nina? Well, she did have sex with your father.
No, she didn't.
But she No, she didn't! All I'm saying is it's not gonna last, so you don't have to worry about it.
RED: Dennis! No, no.
No, no, no.
I know what you're thinking, but, please don't worry about it.
Miss Van Horn and I are We're all through running around like a couple of crazy teenagers.
Thank God.
That's right.
We're getting married! What? Come on, Dennis, give your stepmom a big hug.
* Life keeps bringing me back to you * Keeps bringing me home * It don't matter what I wanna do * 'Cause it's got a mind of its own * Life keeps bringing me back to you *