Mad About You s03e14 Episode Script

This is the dress I'm going to get married in.
We don't still have a month.
We only have a month.
Meanwhile, your dad's gonna love me with these cigars I'm getting him.
You don't have to get him cigars.
Castro cannot get these cigars.
I'm gonna give you one piece of advice.
Talk to my florist? Tomorrow at 10:00.
Talk to my caterer? Hired the band yet? No.
Trust me, it gets so much worse than this.
* Tell me why I love you like I do * Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you * Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine * They say nobody's perfect well that's really true this time * I don't have the answers, I don't have a plan * All I have is you * So, darling, help me understand * What we do * You can whisper in my ear * Where we go * Who knows what happens after here * Let's take each other's hand * As we jump into the final frontier * I'm mad about you, baby * Yeah! * Yeah! * I'm mad about you (WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW PLAYING) The Machetes haven't talked to the Gundoloffs for 12 years, why would they sit there? They'll talk now.
You know, they lost their whole porch.
Where do you see Roseline? Ros is with Morty.
Leave Ros alone, please.
But, I know Rosalyn.
She's gonna want to sit with Betty.
No, Betty's not coming.
It doesn't matter.
You just can't seat people willy-nilly.
This is not willy-nilly, here.
You put Estelle Moss with the depressives.
Why? Why, why, why do you think, Ma? She's better.
She's not better.
Listen, I wouldn't put Charlie near the bar.
You're asking for trouble.
Oh, oh, oh.
Let's change Charlie with Anna.
Which one is Anna? The big one.
The Fosters are coming? Yes.
Where? Right here by the Blausers.
(DOOR BELL BUZZING) Look, right here.
All right, no, on, no.
No more changing anything, please.
(ALL CLAMORING) The Gundoloffs just bit me in the ass.
Deb, hi.
I just saved you Where's Gary? He's not coming.
What happened to your hair? Not now, Ma.
What do you mean Gary's not coming? We're separated.
What does she mean they're separated? I hope it's true.
He's a putz.
Deborah No.
Ma, Ma.
What? Let-- Let-- Let me.
Wow.
You're telling me.
You got to be kidding me.
I wish I was.
Well, what I don't understand.
What did you do? I mean, no.
What happened? I don't know.
I was home with the kids Your father wanted some water.
So? So give him some.
I don't-- I don't understand this.
I mean, you You and Gary, you-- you love each other.
(CRYING) I was wrong.
What? For-- For 15 years? I don't know.
I mean, it was good and then it wasn't good.
And I don't know why.
Have another one.
You know what? You'll talk.
We talked.
So you'll work it out.
It's been worked out.
So it's okay? It's over.
See, you're not helping me.
Let me give you a little advice here, Paul.
If Jamie ever asks you to you pick up a half a pound of smoked turkey on the way home, pick it up.
Don't come home without it and tell her that she was the one who was gonna pick it up.
The turkey.
Yeah.
Pick up the turkey.
Yeah.
Now, that's nice.
Yeah, I got to tell you.
It's still a little snug when I go like this.
Are you gonna conduct a band? No, but Are you going to frisk a tall woman? I don't think so.
Then leave it alone.
All right.
You don't Let me ask, you don't think the pants are a little too short? Hey, you are fast.
I gotta tell you it's still a little-- little tight over here.
You know, you got to break it in.
Like a new pair of shoes.
All right.
I'm breaking.
Why don't you conduct a band? Conduct a band.
See? All right.
How nice.
All right.
Ow, ow.
It's pinching.
You've got all this skin.
Tell me about it.
It's just stuck.
It's not stuck.
It's got to be the zipper.
It's not the zipper.
It's me.
Stop being so negative.
I'm not negative.
I'm fat.
You're the same girl who tried this dress on last month.
Yeah, and then some.
Uncle Harry, how are you? Bathroom's over there.
Bar's over there.
You two, mingle.
(DOOR OPENING) Hey, there's my beautiful bride.
Yeah.
Bite me.
That's not mature behavior.
If you didn't make me quit smoking, I wouldn't be this fat.
You're not fat.
Oh, really? Tell that to my dress.
'Cause I just had a fitting, and it doesn't fit.
Well, you got to break it in.
Listen.
20 minutes ago I couldn't go like this.
(EXCLAIMS) I am never getting naked in front of you again.
I've already seen you naked.
Not this fat.
Oh, sure this fat.
Thank you so much.
I never should have mailed the invitations.
Hey, I'm the one who suggested Vegas.
Even the hallway feels tight.
Hallway's not tight.
In one hour I have five women coming over here.
I don't even know what a bachelorette party is.
Hey.
Do I got to wear shoes to my thing, or you think I could wear sneakers? Sneakers.
But wear a jacket.
How could there be a dress code at a strip club? Excuse me.
Where are you going? Where you can't see me.
You know what? Tonight, tell you what.
I will just look at the large naked women so that way when I come home Yeah, I'm dead in the water here.
Hey, what is this? JAMIE: What? The world's smallest gravy boat.
Somebody gave us something square.
(SHOWER RUNNING) Hey.
"Lights, camera, Buchmans.
" (SHOWER CURTAIN SLIDING) What the hell? What are you doing? You know what? The veil is gonna help that.
Why did you open this? Because it was all closed.
Who gave that to us? It's not us.
It's for you.
From who? Who do you think? Me.
You got me a gift? Yeah.
You didn't get me one? I'm marrying you.
You're marrying me? You didn't hear? That's your gift to me? You're marrying me? It's a gift.
It's clearly not the right one.
(CHEERING) MAN: Come on, baby, shake it! (UPBEAT BLUES MUSIC PLAYING) (WHISTLING) Hey, Paulie.
You can look, but you can't touch.
In five more days, the whole world will be like that for you.
Why do you get such pleasure from that? I don't know.
So, hey.
Talk to me about cigars.
You will have them.
When? You will have them.
Before the wedding? Hey, what did I just say? Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
Hey, Lenny.
All right.
Paul, my sincerest congratulations on this blessed occasion.
Wow.
You know what? I was gonna wear overalls and a tool belt, too, and Jamie said no.
Yeah.
Lenny works for Con Ed.
We're doing some work over on 15th Street.
The water main in front of Bagel Nosh.
Oh, yeah, I saw that.
That's you? Uh-huh.
So, piano-playing justice of the peace who also works for Con Ed.
He's a Renaissance man.
I do what I can.
Vickie, you're a dream.
Oh, my God.
Those are magnificent.
Who did those? Showman? I went to medicine school with Showman.
He drove a Citroen.
"I'm marrying you.
" That's what he said? That's what he said.
He said that was the gift.
I'm sure he didn't mean it.
Then why would he say it? Jamie, let me give you a piece of advice.
Men say a lot of things.
Only listen to a third of them.
He also said I was fat.
He loves you.
Do you think I'm fat? You're getting married.
So you had a little fight.
Look, Paul, let me give you a little piece of advice.
Women need constant attention.
Just talk to her.
It doesn't matter what you say.
Two thirds of what I say to Fran, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.
Well, let me-- let me ask you.
Are you a married person? Leave her alone.
She's working.
Five years.
Five years.
All right.
Great.
Now.
Did you and your husband, did you happen to exchange gifts? You're ruining this for me, really.
He gave me pearl earrings.
What's that? Pearl earrings.
Pearl earrings.
I didn't know.
I didn't know.
People, apparently, before a wedding, they give each other a thing.
I didn't Who invented this? The Incas.
Seriously? Yeah.
Sometimes they'd give earrings, sometimes a necklace, or cloth.
I had no idea.
I just Hey.
Let me use your phone.
Local? Yes.
All right.
Go ahead.
Paulie, who the hell are you calling? Shut up.
Vickie, my friend, he's looking a little lonely here.
Help him out, huh? Be with you in just a second.
Calling the wife.
If I know Paul, right now he's probably standing in front of the stripper (PHONE RINGING) adjusting the light.
I'll get it.
Paul and Jamie's house.
Hi.
Be nice.
She's very vulnerable.
This is an important time.
You love her.
Here.
Hey, how's it going? You'll never guess what song they're playing.
"Fat women dance alone?" Oh, will you stop that.
How's the party? You know, hanging out with the broads.
Ain't that funny? So am I.
Want to say hello? Say hello.
Say She's right here.
Hold on.
Her name is Jamie.
Hi, honey.
No, not completely.
They're a pretty mild group.
Except for one.
Here sweetheart, can you break a 20? Mark.
Is that his name? Oh, okay.
All right.
Okay.
Bye, honey.
Mark, call Fran.
Really? Now you see what you started? Did you invite her? In fact, I did.
So we'll move the Gundlemans to table 7.
Oh, my God.
What? My forehead.
It's smooth and clear.
No, no, no.
Right here.
I think I got a great big zit coming on.
There's nothing.
And meanwhile, I've been holding these socks four hours now.
What are you doing? We're not getting dressed fancy.
It's the rehearsal dinner.
So we'll just rehearse getting dressed up fancy.
Everybody else is going to be dressed up.
Like who? Everybody.
Your mother, my mother, your father, my father, your sister, my sister, Ira.
Based on what? It's what people do.
(PHONE RINGS) That's you.
Hello.
Ira.
You get them? Great.
He's got cigars.
All right, bring them to the restaurant.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
Just bring them.
I got another call.
I'll see you there.
Hello.
Hold on one second.
Office.
Yeah.
Rick, I told you, get Kenny to do it.
I'm trying to get married here.
Will you just handle this? I have to go.
Bye.
Hello.
What? Oh, my God.
How can tulips freeze? Don't even talk to me about carnations.
I have to go.
Hello? Hold on.
Aunt Selma.
Aunt Selma, hi.
I don't even want to talk about it.
Why? Why can't you sit with Aunt Carol? That was 15 years ago.
And she was kidding.
She was Yes, she was.
All right.
You know what? Sit with Uncle Gene.
You'll sit with Uncle Gene.
If he wears the Aqua Velva, he wears the Aqua Velva.
Look, I don't-- I don't What? Yes, of course.
I--I--I--I Well, you are in my will as well.
All right.
I have a zit, don't I? (DOOR BELL BUZZES) Oh, they're here.
I'm not even dressed.
You're dressed.
I'll get the coats, you get the door.
SYLVIA: He's double-parked.
I'll get the coats.
Hi.
Listen, I told Debbie I had to use the facilities.
She is very depressed about the divorce.
So, while we're at the rehearsal dinner, nobody mention the wedding.
Why would it come up? I just want to say I look forward to seeing you all tomorrow at the wedding, and I want to thank Burt and Sylvania for this lovely rehearsal dinner.
PAUL: Thank you.
All right.
It seems so soon not to like him.
Shut up, Gary.
No, you shut up.
Well, you got a problem? You talk to my lawyer.
No, no, no, you're not hanging up on me.
I'm gonna hang up on you.
Where the hell is dessert? Well, just 20 more hours.
Fran says marriage is great.
You know what? Even not being married to you is good.
Hey, Paulie, come here.
You got them? I got them.
Oh, man, watch me score some points.
Gus, my very favorite father-in-law, this is a box pre-Castro, Marco Seclorias robusto executivos.
Hey, thanks, kid.
Honey, put these in your bag.
Did he love them? He could barely thank me.
Jamie, now I'm 73 years old.
And I've been married twice.
I'm going to give you the most important piece of advice you'll ever hear.
Great.
Never get a dog.
We have a dog.
Forget I said anything.
Well, would you want more fun than this? The key here is a swift good-bye.
I will race you home.
BURT: So, where are you staying tonight? I thought I would stay where I stayed last night.
Oh, then where are you gonna stay? Same place.
Oh, now you can't do that.
That's bad luck.
Bad luck.
What--What's gonna happen? Debbie, tell them.
I don't want you to go.
I don't want to go.
Then why are you going? Why? For the same reason we agreed to let your Aunt Lolly play the ukulele.
It's a viola.
I don't think that really matters.
Guys, it's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be great.
It's gonna be wonderful.
Not to worry.
Does Ira have blankets? I'm gonna say yes.
I just want this to be over.
Excuse me.
I'm gonna be your sister-in-law.
Yeah.
And you, Miss Stemple.
Do you realize tomorrow at this time you will be Mrs.
Buchman? Just like his mother.
Okay.
Go sleepy.
All righty.
Hey, Paulie.
Your very last night of freedom and look who you're sleeping with.
(CHUCKLING) Yeah.
Toothpaste? Trust me.
I did it in high school.
It dries them right up.
For being the best sister in the whole world.
I'm really happy for you.
(MUMBLING) Tulips froze.
(DOOR BELL BUZZING) (SNORING) (DOOR BELL BUZZES) The door.
(SNORES LOUDER) Yeah, I'll get it seeing as you have a big day tomorrow and all.
This is so stupid.
What are we doing? I don't know.
I don't know.
This is so not what I wanted this to be.
I was lying there trying to picture tomorrow.
I could see the food.
I could see the flowers.
I could see our parents.
The only thing I couldn't see was us.
Why-- Why is there toothpaste on your head? How are we gonna get through this? You trust me? Of course I trust you.
Okay.
Come with me and don't ask any questions.
Okay.
You promise? Okay.
Where are we going? Where the hell are we going? I don't see that as trusting.
This is it.
This is what? Lenny? Lenny? What are you doing? Paul.
What's going on? Hey.
How are you doing? Good.
Listen.
You remember-- You remember Jamie? Yeah, we met in prison.
Hi.
I know you're-- you're busy.
Ira told me that you marry people.
People marry each other.
I just okay it for the state.
All right, how about okaying it for us? You mean tonight.
No, no.
Today.
Now.
Here? You have a problem with 15th Street? No.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's do it.
Just you and me.
No parents, no gravy boats.
What about the one later? That's for them.
This is for us.
What-- What do we need? Rings and a witness.
Uh, don't have either.
Not a problem.
Vows.
We never wrote our vows.
I don't need vows.
Who needs vows? Edward, I need some assistance up here.
And bring two No.
6 washers.
All I know is I just want to wake up with you naked for the rest of my life.
You are a strange, amazing man.
Can I tell you that the part of my brain that came up with this was not alive before I met you.
I always knew it was gonna be you.
Who? You.
Him.
I could have met you when I was five and I would have known.
So where have you been? I love you.
I love you.
Paul, (DRILLING) LENNY: Do you take Jamie to be your lawful wedded wife? I'm sorry, what? Do you take Jamie to be your lawful wedded wife, (DRILLING) in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, to love, honor and cherish until death do you part? You know, I really do.
LENNY: And do you, Jamie, take Paul to be your lawful wedded husband in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, (DRILLING) to love, honor and cherish until death do you part? Yeah.
Now, by the power vested in me, a little Con Ed humor, by the State of New York, I pronounce you man and wife.
(DRILLING CONTINUES) MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, may I now present for the first time Paul and Jamie Buchman.
(CLAPPING) (WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW PLAYING) * What the world needs now * Is love sweet love * It's the only thing * That there's just too little of * But what the world needs now * Is love sweet love * No, not just for some * But for everyone * What the world needs now * Is love sweet love * No, not just for some * But for everyone (HOW SWEET IT IS PLAYING) * How sweet it is to be loved by you * Yes, baby * How sweet it is to be loved by you * Ooh, baby * I needed the shelter of someone's arms * And there you were * I needed someone * To understand my ups and downs * And there you were * With sweet love and devotion * Deeply touching my emotions * I want to stop * Hey, now, how sweet it is to be loved by you * Oh, baby