Malcolm in the Middle s03e14 Episode Script

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My turn.
(FARTING NOISE) (FARTING NOISE) Wait, wait.
(FARTING NOISE) I had no idea homework could be so funny.
It's suicide.
I don't care.
I'm going in.
# Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question # You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big # Life is unfair # Guess what? I just got back from the doctor.
My spine is curved! How bad? No gym for two years.
Brilliant! Maybe my third nipple can get me out of wrestling.
Here comes Her Royal Bitchiness.
Cynthia just got back from a semester in Europe and she's totally changed.
She's bitter and sarcastic.
I could pull it off, but on her it's really unpleasant.
Malcolm, can you move the herd to move an inch to the left so I could get past? I'm sorry, did you say inch? Don't you mean 2.
54 centimetres or 0.
254 decimetres, or 25.
4 million nanometres? Guys, stop teasing her.
You stink at it.
Don't defend her, Malcolm.
If I wanted abuse I'd talk to my oboe teacher.
She's dead to us.
Hey.
Are you OK? What do you mean? You've been acting kinda strange.
Malcolm, look around and reconsider your definition of strange.
Fair enough.
Dad, look how high my kite is! That's great, son.
That's terrific.
You wanna try? Er, no.
Why not? I don't like kites.
Why not? I don't like kites and they don't like me.
We don't get along.
You'd like it if you tried it.
Come on, just try it.
Hold the string.
(SIGHS HEAVILY) Agh! Hey, Lois.
Karen, what are you doing out there? Come on in.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to lurk.
I was working up the nerve to talk to you.
Are you OK? You look different.
I'm sober.
Oh.
Yeah.
After I drove over that miniature golfcourse they made me get into a 12-step programme.
Good for you! Thanks.
I'm up to the part where I'm supposed to make amends to people I've hurt.
What did you ever do to me? Remember New Year's at Deb and Rich's where everyone was kissing at midnight? Yeah.
When I kissed your husband I stuck my tongue in his mouth.
I felt terrible, then I put my cigarette out on Richard's toupee You were French-kissing my husband? He pushed me away after, like, five or six seconds.
Well, no more than ten.
I'm sure he was only moving his tongue because he was trying to say something.
That's enough, Karen.
Sorry.
Now I have to tell Stephanie she can take down those lost-dog posters.
Francis, it's Friday night.
Can we please go out and get hammered? Is getting drunk all you think about? We work like dogs all day, drink, then work like hungover dogs.
Is this how you pictured your life? Ever since I was little.
What did you picture? I don't know.
There's more to life than falling down drunk and acting like a jackass.
Look what we found! (LAUGHTER) You stole a totem pole? No, he asked to come with us.
He hasn't shut up for an hour.
You can't leave it here.
People worship these.
It's a sacred object.
Do I have something in my teeth? Be honest.
What's wrong with you? You see a symbol of a world beyond scraping grease and you think, let's profane it in our cabin? Don't you have respect for anything? Look, a penny! It's mine! I saw it first! (SCUFFLING) Is my coffee ready yet? I can't believe you only have instant.
Sorry it's not up to your standards.
You'd seem more sophisticated if you weren't wearing a kiddies' sweater.
I'd take style tips from someone who keeps track of wrestling feuds? Ever since you've been back you've been mean.
You think you're better than us.
Even if it's true, you don't have the right to be nasty.
You won't have any friends soon.
You think you know what everybody's problem is? You think you're so smart and together, and no-one notices what an unhappy little person you are.
Well, sorry.
I won't stroke your fragile ego by confiding in you.
Oh, yeah? Well, you're on fire! Aaaagh! Mommy! How could you do that to me? You were on fire.
I wanted to help.
By yelling, "Oh, my God, where did those come from?" I'm sorry! It's just, you scared me.
THEY scared me.
I mean, they startled me I hate this! Everyone looks at me like I'm some kind of freak.
I was surprised, that's all.
I mean, I would react the same way if you had a new haircut.
(A giant haircut!) No-one can know about this.
You can't tell anyone.
What? Promise me! But Promise! Alright, I promise! Come on, you're fine.
It's just a change on the outside.
Inside you're the same.
If you give people a chance they'll see that.
Stop staring at them! Am I staring? Dad, I've been thinking about your kite problem.
I don't have a kite problem! It's OK, Dad.
We could start with you explaining why you hate kites.
Let me try it! I want to try it! Fine.
Here.
Jerk! Help! I just do! There doesn't need to be a reason! Doesn't Dewey get homework? He seems to have a lot of time on his hands.
Something wrong? I had the most interesting conversation with Karen.
She's in this programme where you have to apologise to your loved ones and I wondered, do I have anything to apologise for? By you, you mean ME, and since it's a question, you know the answer.
Karen said you French-kissed her on New Year's Eve.
I did not! I can't believe it! You're actually accusing me of this? Why would Karen lie? Why would I lie? For the past 20 years yours has been the only tongue that's been in my mouth.
I don't lie! So can we fly kites tomorrow? Sorry, son I have to testify at a murder trial.
But, darn it, I'll go to the park with you! Thanks, Dad.
(Kids don't count.
) It wouldn't be so bad if you'd just admit it.
Lois, why would I kiss Karen? You're a MAN! What's that supposed to mean? You've been with the same woman for 20 years.
It's natural to be curious.
About what? In 20 years of marriage you've never even thought about another woman? What are you talking about? If you're just gonna be ridiculous, there's no point in carrying on this conversation.
But you are on notice! Wait! I wanna talk to you! (DEEP VOICE) You are unhappy! Yes, I am.
Why? I may have ruined my life.
I left my family and friends to come up here.
I wanted to find myself, but all I feel is empty.
I have the answer to your suffering, Francis.
The answer is Francis! Who was that spiky-haired kid who was friends with Little Lou? What? Don't worry.
Maybe it'll come to you if you sleep on it.
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One sold every Got yours? Everything's ready.
The kite tail is set.
It's a windy day.
Now SAY it! I am not cursed! Good.
Now run.
And don't stop until it's in the air.
I am not cursed! I am not cursed! Get off the field! Excuse me! Sorry! It's flying! It's flying! (CROAKY LAUGH) You guys threw fridge magnets at Dabney's back brace? He was walking around all day with "Florida is for Lovers" on his back.
(SQUEAKY LAUGH) That laugh is so not cute.
I'm sorry my laugh isn't as melodious as your cracking voice.
(CRACKING) I'm Malcolm.
I have all the answers but no-one listens to me Funny! (STUPID LAUGH) This was fun.
Hi, Reese.
What a pig! What? She was never that great, but now it's like she's TRYING to be ugly.
Shut up! She's not in Europe any more.
In America, we take showers.
She doesn't smell.
She dresses like a bag lady.
I know, her butt is gigantic and she's trying to hide it.
This is great! I have a wide-load sticker, and I can make the truck noise when she backs up - beep, beep, beep! Reese, when is she gonna back up? OK.
When's her lunch period? I can sneak in and throw bacon at her.
THEN she'll back up.
Beep, beep She's not hiding her butt, she's hiding her big boobs! So if you tease her you're just gonna look like a.
You are a good, good brother.
No I lied! Her butt IS huge! I think it helped Cynthia to talk.
She's in a better mood.
She even stuck her homework on Dabney's back.
Agh! What're you doing?! Algebra.
What did he say to you? Malcolm, calm down! I'm just helping him with his homework.
Reese doesn't care about school.
So I thought, but when he asked me for help he sounded so pathetic, I couldn't say no.
How are you doing on number five? Awful.
I'm not gonna get this.
I'm such an idiot.
No, you're not.
Everyone says I'm an idiot all the time.
Well, he IS! Malcolm.
It's not his fault.
Someone at some point decided I was dumb, and that's all anyone ever sees in me.
Why do they always focus on one detail, never the whole person? I don't know.
You missed another shift! I'm not walking away from this totem pole when I'm this close to figuring out what it's trying to tell me.
Have you eaten anything? Fasting helps my meditation.
There's some kind of energy here.
It gave me that dream.
It's trying to help me.
We're getting rid of it and putting you back on corn dogs and porn for your own safety.
Back away from the pole! So you guys wanna go shoot some eagles? Nothin' else to do.
What're you gonna do to her? I don't know what you're talking about.
OK.
I've been dying to tell someone.
Malcolm, I'm gonna see them.
What?! I'll make her my girlfriend and get her to take her top off.
You're crazy! That's what I thought, but I've got it all figured out.
Tomorrow I reveal an embarrassing secret that makes her feel trusted.
Friday, sneak a kiss, then apologise.
Monday, I ask her out.
She catches me crying.
Make out.
She finds love letter in my pocket.
Heavier make-out session.
All culminating in March 8, DD-Day.
You're pure evil! Who's more evil, me or the person who told me? You! Yeah, but YOU'D be in trouble.
She'd never forgive you.
Excuse me.
I have to go make a mix tape.
OK, we had a little setback, but don't give up.
Forget it! I'm sick of this! I hate kites! I have always hated kites! Dad, don't freak out in front of the other kids.
I'm never gonna get this and I don't want to! You can't give up.
I can give up, and I give up! I'm tired of your attitude.
I'm going home.
Dewey! Dewey, come back here.
It's too far for you to walk.
Dewey! Dewey, stop! Dewey! Don't you ever run away like that again.
There's something on the back of your pants.
I'm flying a kite! I'm flying a kite! Lois, I did it! I did it! I actually flew a kite! How could I think these were evil? I love this kite.
Why don't you kiss it? For God's sake! Are you still obsessing about that? I want a straight answer.
Lois, from the moment I laid eyes on you YOU were the only woman for me.
Unlike all other men, you don't even have a glancing interest in other women? You alone stand outside the dictates of millions of years of evolution! Why is that so hard for you to believe? Because I look at other men! Not seriously.
I would never do anything about it, but, God, hell, I notice! And if you don't, it means that .
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it means that you love me more than I love you.
Well, honey, that's always been true.
Of course I love you more.
You're OK with that? Oh, yeah.
If you loved me as much as I love you, we'd never leave the bedroom! Nothing would get done.
We'd die of starvation.
I love you! Not as much as I love you.
I have fasted, I have meditated, I got frostbite from a night in the wilderness! I just want to know what to do.
What am I missing? There's a wolf.
What's that? Loyalty.
Eagle.
OK, insight insight The frog is bug-eating! What does that have to do with anything? Please just give me a sign or a signal, or something! Oh, my God! Are you the dirtbag that took my pole? Huh? It's my pole.
I want it back.
Oh, of course! I'm so sorry.
I didn't take it.
I'm going crazy.
Can you tell me what it means? Well, if I hit it, it means I'm five inches away from the back of my carport.
You use it as a wheel-stop? This beautiful, sacred thing? Sacred? It's a decoration.
Like a coat of arms or a storybook.
It's a pretty chunk of wood my kids helped me carve.
But you can't tell me you can't feel the energy! You white boys all think cos I've got dark skin, I dance with the bears and listen to the spirit of the wind.
I got news for you - I work for a living.
I'm a Baptist, and I'm proud of it.
But you sure? And by the way, I have only one word for snow - snow! (GIGGLING) > No! Stop! Malcolm! He's not who you think he is.
Reese is only interested in you cos I told him you have big breasts.
What?! It just happened.
I'm sorry.
He only wants you for your boobs! Stop saying that! He planned all this.
I can prove it.
He wrote it all down.
This isn't it.
Where's your REAL calendar? That IS my calendar.
All proceeds went to animal shelters.
He's using you and you fell for it! Leave me alone! You heard her.
But What's her name? What? What's her name? I know what her name is.
And I'm not gonna dignify that with a response.
I know what her name is, and her name is Ohhh! How could you be so creepy? Don't you have any sense of decency towards a fellow human being? (THUDDING) I have feelings! I will be treated with respect! I will not be objectified! I will not be humiliated! Now kiss my shoe! Kiss my shoe! The private says, "But, General, I didn't touch your toast!" (SQUEAKY LAUGH) Something's different about you.
Did you get a haircut? Very stylish.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Cynthia, did you like Europe? I did.
I forget sometimes that there's a whole world out there that's not full of prurient adolescent boys.
There are people who treat me nicely and keep their mouths shut.
I get it! Yes? Is Lois here? Honey? Oh, God, are you Lois' husband? So who's married to the bald guy with the earring? Donna.
I thought that was one house I didn't have to go to.
Excuse me.
Oh, I lived in your house while you were on vacation last month.
We didn't go on vacation.
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