Mom s03e14 Episode Script
Death, Death, Death and a Bucket of Chicken
1 I'm sorry I fought you on us just being friends.
I didn't realize how friendly you were gonna be.
Yeah, well, parts of me are friendlier than others.
Am I messing things up if I say I wish once in a while we could spend the night together, wake up in the morning, have a cup of coffee, cuddle? All right, off you go.
Seriously?! When you use words like "cuddle" I feel like you don't really get me.
Never mind.
Oh, before I leave, you got a little something going on with your tushie.
Are you trying for round two? 'Cause "tushie" is right up there with "cuddle".
No, I noticed, uh, that the mole on your right cheek is, uh, a little bigger than last time I was, you know, in the neighborhood.
First of all, it's not a mole, it's a beauty mark.
And secondly if you've got time to look around back there, you're not trying hard enough.
Oh, come on, I'm just concerned.
It used to be the shape of Ohio and now it's more like Australia.
Nobody asked you to play Dora the Explorer.
I'm sure it's fine.
I'm sure it is, too, but just to be safe have a doctor take a look.
Yeah, okay, whatever.
By the way, if we're gonna start noticing imperfections in each other's bodies, you might want to pull those balls up a couple inches.
You got to be kidding me.
Mommy, I'm home from school.
I'm just gonna hang out in the living room till the grown-ups stop wrestling.
Of course I drank.
- Hey, Christy.
- Hey, Steve.
I'm just gonna sheepishly skulk out of here now.
That'd be awesome, thanks.
Uh, before I forget.
Take a look at your mom's butt and see if there's cause for alarm.
Excuse me? She's got a mole that doesn't look right.
Bonnie: Steve, are you still here? Got to go.
Right cheek.
(sighs) Of course I was a stripper.
Seeing a lot of Steve these days, huh? Well, I can't afford a gym membership.
I got to get my cardio in somehow.
- Come on, you like him.
- I do.
He's like a rowing machine with a heart of gold.
Great, I'm really happy for you.
Show me your ass.
What? Steve said something about a mole.
Let's see.
- No.
- Hey, this is not the high point of my day either.
Hike up your robe.
Forget it, it's nothing.
Come on, pretend you're on the Jumbotron at a Raiders game and moon me.
Sorry, you got to buy me dinner to see the goods.
Hey, in the future, can you let me know if you're gonna be home early? I got a better idea Why don't you shoot me a text when you've got your feet behind your ears.
Yeah, that probably makes more sense.
(shower starts running) Hey, uh, by the way, we're almost out of your fancy conditioner.
- Smile.
- Hey! Oh, relax.
I'm sure it's Oh! Wendy, you're a nurse, does that mole look right to you? Oh, come on, I got raisins in my salad here.
Just look, I'm worried.
I don't know, could be something, could be nothing.
That's your professional opinion? You went to nursing school for that? I went to nursing school 'cause I thought I'd have access to drugs.
Let me see.
Ew! If that were on Cindy Crawford's face, she'd have a very different career.
Give me.
That's not good.
She should definitely go to a doctor.
See? That's the problem No matter what I say, she won't go.
Well, she's scared.
I know when I found a lump in my breast I was panic-stricken what a doctor might say.
So you think it's cancer? Isn't that what we're all thinking? What were you thinking? I don't know, knowing her, it could be the mark of the devil.
Sorry I'm late.
What did I miss? - Nothin'.
- Chattin'.
- Hangin'.
- Lookin' at your mole.
Did you not see what we were doing here? You showed them? I'm worried about you.
- Since when? - You're my mother.
I say I'd be better off without you, but I don't really mean it.
You say that? Does she say that? - Of course not.
- No.
All the time.
For God's sake, read the room, Wendy.
Anyway, you really should go see a doctor.
Yeah, well, I'm not a doctor person.
I'm more comfortable just toughing it out.
You see this finger? I cut the tip off when I was 14.
Stuck it back on with crazy glue.
That would be your brand.
You went to a doctor for your back last year.
Well, only 'cause she made me.
And look what happened, I got strung out on pain pills.
Who knows? I go in for a mole, next thing you know I'm smoking crack.
What was your excuse for the first time you smoked crack? I like crack.
Now, let's just change the subject.
Talk about the weather.
Does your giant mole hurt before it rains? Well, there's something you don't see every day.
Oh! I'm rubbing a pomegranate on my mole.
You're feeding it now? I did a little research on the Internet and learned that if you apply pomegranate juice, garlic paste, walnut oil, and then cover the mole with a kale leaf, it'll be gone in a few hours.
Good call.
Go Harry Potter on your ass.
It'll work.
Mom, it's natural to be scared to go see a doctor, anyone would be.
Except me.
I have science on my side.
Now come on tape this kale leaf to my butt.
Shiny side down, or this is just a complete waste of time.
Just like this conversation.
Hey, on the off chance that Wiccan-pedia doesn't do the trick, will you please see a doctor? For the last time, I don't need a doctor.
Now come on, help me summon the serpent.
That's it, I'm making an appointment.
- No.
- Why? Because (sighs) I've been a terrible person my whole life and this is how the universe is gonna get even with me.
So you are scared.
Of course I am.
Have you seen this thing? It's big enough to claim as a dependent.
Then let's get it taken care of and put the whole thing behind us.
Sorry.
You can't do that, that's not how the universe works.
Wait a minute You know how the universe works, and you've been holding out on me? The universe waits, and then as soon as you get your life together, boom something awful happens.
Oh, you poor thing.
You think you have your life together.
Tell you what, I'll make you a deal.
We'll give your witch's salad dressing 24 hours to work.
If it doesn't, we see a doctor.
Fine.
Thank you.
Now you're starting to make sense.
Oh, great.
Now my ass smells like the Olive Garden.
Do we need cotton balls? What? Never mind.
I'm just gonna take 'em.
Nice karma move, stealing from the free clinic.
Says the woman who swiped three Us Weeklies from the waiting room.
It's the only crossword I can do.
Okay, Ms.
Plunkett, I see you have an unwelcome guest on your posterior.
Please drop your pants and bend over.
Oh, okay.
Not the first time a man has said that to you, huh, Mom? (laughs) Oh, that's very good.
Clever.
Huh.
Okay, let's see what we have here, hm? Oh, jeepers.
Jeepers, good? When is jeepers ever good? Oh, God, I knew it.
Calm down.
Doctor? Yes? (mouths) What? (mouths) - What? - She wants to know if it's cancer.
Oh.
That's for the lab to say.
So what happens next? We scoop it off, send it for a biopsy and see what's what.
- How long does that take? - About a week.
I have to wait a week to find out if I have skin cancer? It's a free clinic, not a fast clinic.
Just try not to think about it.
(sighs) This is not an excuse to smoke crack.
(banging) (clattering) She's still thinkin' about it.
Hey.
Hey.
Whatcha doin'? What's it look like? I'm cleaning the fridge.
At 3:00 in the morning? I can't drink, I can't do drugs.
Let me organize our milk and cold cuts.
You want to take a break and maybe talk about what you're feeling? Really? You want to know how I feel? Death, death, death, death, death, death, death.
Happy? Mom, you're kind of jumping the gun.
We won't get the results of the biopsy for six more days.
Don't you think you should Death! Okay.
Nighty-night.
(sweetly) Sweet dreams! Oh.
Nice.
No one cleans like a crazy person.
Hello? Mom? Upstairs! Hope she organized the closet.
You okay? (sighs) Just tired.
I guess that's to be expected, given my condition.
Or you're tired because you stayed up all night.
(quietly): Damn.
Christy, come.
Sit.
(sighs) Why do I come home? I love you.
What? I said I love you.
We don't say it enough.
We don't say it ever.
One of us doesn't even think it.
Come on.
Get out of bed.
Let's go grab a bite to eat, and then we'll go to the meeting.
No, no.
You go.
Tell everyone to pray for me.
Okay.
But don't expect much.
You know, I put my life at risk for so many years.
Drugs, alcohol, climbing into zoo enclosures and taunting the animals.
I-I never gave it a second thought.
And now every moment feels so precious.
And yet here you are wasting my time.
That's good.
Laugh at me.
Laugh at life.
The whole thing's a joke.
All righty.
I'm gonna skedaddle.
Christy.
Yeah.
Quickly.
Smell every rose.
Sing every song.
Dance like no one's watching.
Will do.
Oh, and if you wouldn't mind, bring me home a bucket of chicken.
Extra crispy.
(clicks tongue) Hi, I'm Christy, and I'm an alcoholic.
Group: Hi, Christy.
Well, this week has been a doozy.
My mom's in the middle of a little health scare, and I am trying to be compassionate.
But you know her, she just sucks it right out of you.
On the plus side, our house hasn't been this clean since she was doing blow.
Anyway, she asked for you to pray for her.
Do with that what you will.
Okay, who else would like to share? I'll go.
Hi, I'm Jill.
I'm an alcoholic.
Group: Hi, Jill.
(sighs) I've been dealing with a little health issue myself.
My pool guy hurt his back, so the pool looks like a Louisiana swamp.
(door opens) Sorry.
Anyway if I'm a little snippy, it's because I haven't been getting my laps in and ballooned up to a size zero.
(sighs) That's it.
Thanks.
Anybody else? Hi, I'm Bonnie.
I'm an alcoholic.
Group: Hi, Bonnie.
I wasn't gonna come tonight because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.
But then I thought, "No, Bonnie.
"You're not a self-centered person.
Don't start now.
" Sorry.
Anyway, I want you to know that I love, appreciate, and am grateful for each and every one of you.
You taught me how to live, and now now I'm gonna teach you how to die.
Oh, for God's sake, shut up.
Excuse me? Stop with all the drama.
You don't even have a diagnosis yet.
And if you do, it's not a death sentence.
Hey, you shared about your cancer all the time.
Because I had cancer! All you have is a chance of cancer.
You have chancer! Okay.
Apparently, this is not the safe place I thought it was.
(door slams) And as long as I'm being honest, screw you and your size zero.
(knocking) Hey.
Come on in.
How's our patient? Who cares? Thank you.
These are beautiful.
Um, those are kind of for your mom.
Yeah, well, now they're mine.
She's upstairs.
And if you see any more moles, keep it to yourself.
(knocking) Hello? Oh, hi.
Come on in.
For the record, I brought you some flowers.
Oh.
Nice.
Where are they? Christy took 'em for herself.
She was really mean.
Try asking her for a bucket of chicken.
What are you doin' there? I'm drawing up a list of things I haven't done in case the biopsy is bad news.
Okay.
You're not gonna tell me I'm being ridiculous? Nope.
I think ridiculous is one of your more endearing qualities.
Let's see.
"Throw out the first pitch at a Giants game.
" While sober and fully clothed.
Okay.
"Have dinner at the White House.
" Again, sober and fully clothed.
"Jump out of a plane.
" Sober and clothed? And without someone pushing me.
I'm seein' a little trend here.
Is there anything you haven't done drunk or sober? Hmm Christy, guess what.
We're getting married! Of course you are.
Those were your flowers.
You know what's amazing? Even though I've been scared and hopeless all week, I-I haven't thought about drinking.
That is amazing.
I ran out of soy milk this morning and for a brief second considered shooting heroin.
Christy, I-I know I've been a nightmare through all this, and I'm sorry.
Yeah, thanks.
Third movie, Batman, seven letters.
(knocking) So, we got the results from your biopsy Just say it.
I have cancer.
Look at you, making my job easy.
Oh, my God, what? The mole was indeed malignant, but we're confident we got it all.
There's no need for further treatments, just regular checkups.
So what you're saying is, not only did I have cancer, I beat cancer? You beat it 'cause I carved it out of your body, but okay.
I'll see you again in six months.
Please don't steal any more cotton balls.
Oh, Mom.
I was so worried I was gonna lose you.
Really? How come you were being so horrible to me? 'Cause that's how I love! I guess we have a wedding to plan.
Uh Mm.
Yeah, Steve, uh, listen, about our engagement You're pushing me out of the plane? I-I'm gonna live.
Why would I want to be married?
I didn't realize how friendly you were gonna be.
Yeah, well, parts of me are friendlier than others.
Am I messing things up if I say I wish once in a while we could spend the night together, wake up in the morning, have a cup of coffee, cuddle? All right, off you go.
Seriously?! When you use words like "cuddle" I feel like you don't really get me.
Never mind.
Oh, before I leave, you got a little something going on with your tushie.
Are you trying for round two? 'Cause "tushie" is right up there with "cuddle".
No, I noticed, uh, that the mole on your right cheek is, uh, a little bigger than last time I was, you know, in the neighborhood.
First of all, it's not a mole, it's a beauty mark.
And secondly if you've got time to look around back there, you're not trying hard enough.
Oh, come on, I'm just concerned.
It used to be the shape of Ohio and now it's more like Australia.
Nobody asked you to play Dora the Explorer.
I'm sure it's fine.
I'm sure it is, too, but just to be safe have a doctor take a look.
Yeah, okay, whatever.
By the way, if we're gonna start noticing imperfections in each other's bodies, you might want to pull those balls up a couple inches.
You got to be kidding me.
Mommy, I'm home from school.
I'm just gonna hang out in the living room till the grown-ups stop wrestling.
Of course I drank.
- Hey, Christy.
- Hey, Steve.
I'm just gonna sheepishly skulk out of here now.
That'd be awesome, thanks.
Uh, before I forget.
Take a look at your mom's butt and see if there's cause for alarm.
Excuse me? She's got a mole that doesn't look right.
Bonnie: Steve, are you still here? Got to go.
Right cheek.
(sighs) Of course I was a stripper.
Seeing a lot of Steve these days, huh? Well, I can't afford a gym membership.
I got to get my cardio in somehow.
- Come on, you like him.
- I do.
He's like a rowing machine with a heart of gold.
Great, I'm really happy for you.
Show me your ass.
What? Steve said something about a mole.
Let's see.
- No.
- Hey, this is not the high point of my day either.
Hike up your robe.
Forget it, it's nothing.
Come on, pretend you're on the Jumbotron at a Raiders game and moon me.
Sorry, you got to buy me dinner to see the goods.
Hey, in the future, can you let me know if you're gonna be home early? I got a better idea Why don't you shoot me a text when you've got your feet behind your ears.
Yeah, that probably makes more sense.
(shower starts running) Hey, uh, by the way, we're almost out of your fancy conditioner.
- Smile.
- Hey! Oh, relax.
I'm sure it's Oh! Wendy, you're a nurse, does that mole look right to you? Oh, come on, I got raisins in my salad here.
Just look, I'm worried.
I don't know, could be something, could be nothing.
That's your professional opinion? You went to nursing school for that? I went to nursing school 'cause I thought I'd have access to drugs.
Let me see.
Ew! If that were on Cindy Crawford's face, she'd have a very different career.
Give me.
That's not good.
She should definitely go to a doctor.
See? That's the problem No matter what I say, she won't go.
Well, she's scared.
I know when I found a lump in my breast I was panic-stricken what a doctor might say.
So you think it's cancer? Isn't that what we're all thinking? What were you thinking? I don't know, knowing her, it could be the mark of the devil.
Sorry I'm late.
What did I miss? - Nothin'.
- Chattin'.
- Hangin'.
- Lookin' at your mole.
Did you not see what we were doing here? You showed them? I'm worried about you.
- Since when? - You're my mother.
I say I'd be better off without you, but I don't really mean it.
You say that? Does she say that? - Of course not.
- No.
All the time.
For God's sake, read the room, Wendy.
Anyway, you really should go see a doctor.
Yeah, well, I'm not a doctor person.
I'm more comfortable just toughing it out.
You see this finger? I cut the tip off when I was 14.
Stuck it back on with crazy glue.
That would be your brand.
You went to a doctor for your back last year.
Well, only 'cause she made me.
And look what happened, I got strung out on pain pills.
Who knows? I go in for a mole, next thing you know I'm smoking crack.
What was your excuse for the first time you smoked crack? I like crack.
Now, let's just change the subject.
Talk about the weather.
Does your giant mole hurt before it rains? Well, there's something you don't see every day.
Oh! I'm rubbing a pomegranate on my mole.
You're feeding it now? I did a little research on the Internet and learned that if you apply pomegranate juice, garlic paste, walnut oil, and then cover the mole with a kale leaf, it'll be gone in a few hours.
Good call.
Go Harry Potter on your ass.
It'll work.
Mom, it's natural to be scared to go see a doctor, anyone would be.
Except me.
I have science on my side.
Now come on tape this kale leaf to my butt.
Shiny side down, or this is just a complete waste of time.
Just like this conversation.
Hey, on the off chance that Wiccan-pedia doesn't do the trick, will you please see a doctor? For the last time, I don't need a doctor.
Now come on, help me summon the serpent.
That's it, I'm making an appointment.
- No.
- Why? Because (sighs) I've been a terrible person my whole life and this is how the universe is gonna get even with me.
So you are scared.
Of course I am.
Have you seen this thing? It's big enough to claim as a dependent.
Then let's get it taken care of and put the whole thing behind us.
Sorry.
You can't do that, that's not how the universe works.
Wait a minute You know how the universe works, and you've been holding out on me? The universe waits, and then as soon as you get your life together, boom something awful happens.
Oh, you poor thing.
You think you have your life together.
Tell you what, I'll make you a deal.
We'll give your witch's salad dressing 24 hours to work.
If it doesn't, we see a doctor.
Fine.
Thank you.
Now you're starting to make sense.
Oh, great.
Now my ass smells like the Olive Garden.
Do we need cotton balls? What? Never mind.
I'm just gonna take 'em.
Nice karma move, stealing from the free clinic.
Says the woman who swiped three Us Weeklies from the waiting room.
It's the only crossword I can do.
Okay, Ms.
Plunkett, I see you have an unwelcome guest on your posterior.
Please drop your pants and bend over.
Oh, okay.
Not the first time a man has said that to you, huh, Mom? (laughs) Oh, that's very good.
Clever.
Huh.
Okay, let's see what we have here, hm? Oh, jeepers.
Jeepers, good? When is jeepers ever good? Oh, God, I knew it.
Calm down.
Doctor? Yes? (mouths) What? (mouths) - What? - She wants to know if it's cancer.
Oh.
That's for the lab to say.
So what happens next? We scoop it off, send it for a biopsy and see what's what.
- How long does that take? - About a week.
I have to wait a week to find out if I have skin cancer? It's a free clinic, not a fast clinic.
Just try not to think about it.
(sighs) This is not an excuse to smoke crack.
(banging) (clattering) She's still thinkin' about it.
Hey.
Hey.
Whatcha doin'? What's it look like? I'm cleaning the fridge.
At 3:00 in the morning? I can't drink, I can't do drugs.
Let me organize our milk and cold cuts.
You want to take a break and maybe talk about what you're feeling? Really? You want to know how I feel? Death, death, death, death, death, death, death.
Happy? Mom, you're kind of jumping the gun.
We won't get the results of the biopsy for six more days.
Don't you think you should Death! Okay.
Nighty-night.
(sweetly) Sweet dreams! Oh.
Nice.
No one cleans like a crazy person.
Hello? Mom? Upstairs! Hope she organized the closet.
You okay? (sighs) Just tired.
I guess that's to be expected, given my condition.
Or you're tired because you stayed up all night.
(quietly): Damn.
Christy, come.
Sit.
(sighs) Why do I come home? I love you.
What? I said I love you.
We don't say it enough.
We don't say it ever.
One of us doesn't even think it.
Come on.
Get out of bed.
Let's go grab a bite to eat, and then we'll go to the meeting.
No, no.
You go.
Tell everyone to pray for me.
Okay.
But don't expect much.
You know, I put my life at risk for so many years.
Drugs, alcohol, climbing into zoo enclosures and taunting the animals.
I-I never gave it a second thought.
And now every moment feels so precious.
And yet here you are wasting my time.
That's good.
Laugh at me.
Laugh at life.
The whole thing's a joke.
All righty.
I'm gonna skedaddle.
Christy.
Yeah.
Quickly.
Smell every rose.
Sing every song.
Dance like no one's watching.
Will do.
Oh, and if you wouldn't mind, bring me home a bucket of chicken.
Extra crispy.
(clicks tongue) Hi, I'm Christy, and I'm an alcoholic.
Group: Hi, Christy.
Well, this week has been a doozy.
My mom's in the middle of a little health scare, and I am trying to be compassionate.
But you know her, she just sucks it right out of you.
On the plus side, our house hasn't been this clean since she was doing blow.
Anyway, she asked for you to pray for her.
Do with that what you will.
Okay, who else would like to share? I'll go.
Hi, I'm Jill.
I'm an alcoholic.
Group: Hi, Jill.
(sighs) I've been dealing with a little health issue myself.
My pool guy hurt his back, so the pool looks like a Louisiana swamp.
(door opens) Sorry.
Anyway if I'm a little snippy, it's because I haven't been getting my laps in and ballooned up to a size zero.
(sighs) That's it.
Thanks.
Anybody else? Hi, I'm Bonnie.
I'm an alcoholic.
Group: Hi, Bonnie.
I wasn't gonna come tonight because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.
But then I thought, "No, Bonnie.
"You're not a self-centered person.
Don't start now.
" Sorry.
Anyway, I want you to know that I love, appreciate, and am grateful for each and every one of you.
You taught me how to live, and now now I'm gonna teach you how to die.
Oh, for God's sake, shut up.
Excuse me? Stop with all the drama.
You don't even have a diagnosis yet.
And if you do, it's not a death sentence.
Hey, you shared about your cancer all the time.
Because I had cancer! All you have is a chance of cancer.
You have chancer! Okay.
Apparently, this is not the safe place I thought it was.
(door slams) And as long as I'm being honest, screw you and your size zero.
(knocking) Hey.
Come on in.
How's our patient? Who cares? Thank you.
These are beautiful.
Um, those are kind of for your mom.
Yeah, well, now they're mine.
She's upstairs.
And if you see any more moles, keep it to yourself.
(knocking) Hello? Oh, hi.
Come on in.
For the record, I brought you some flowers.
Oh.
Nice.
Where are they? Christy took 'em for herself.
She was really mean.
Try asking her for a bucket of chicken.
What are you doin' there? I'm drawing up a list of things I haven't done in case the biopsy is bad news.
Okay.
You're not gonna tell me I'm being ridiculous? Nope.
I think ridiculous is one of your more endearing qualities.
Let's see.
"Throw out the first pitch at a Giants game.
" While sober and fully clothed.
Okay.
"Have dinner at the White House.
" Again, sober and fully clothed.
"Jump out of a plane.
" Sober and clothed? And without someone pushing me.
I'm seein' a little trend here.
Is there anything you haven't done drunk or sober? Hmm Christy, guess what.
We're getting married! Of course you are.
Those were your flowers.
You know what's amazing? Even though I've been scared and hopeless all week, I-I haven't thought about drinking.
That is amazing.
I ran out of soy milk this morning and for a brief second considered shooting heroin.
Christy, I-I know I've been a nightmare through all this, and I'm sorry.
Yeah, thanks.
Third movie, Batman, seven letters.
(knocking) So, we got the results from your biopsy Just say it.
I have cancer.
Look at you, making my job easy.
Oh, my God, what? The mole was indeed malignant, but we're confident we got it all.
There's no need for further treatments, just regular checkups.
So what you're saying is, not only did I have cancer, I beat cancer? You beat it 'cause I carved it out of your body, but okay.
I'll see you again in six months.
Please don't steal any more cotton balls.
Oh, Mom.
I was so worried I was gonna lose you.
Really? How come you were being so horrible to me? 'Cause that's how I love! I guess we have a wedding to plan.
Uh Mm.
Yeah, Steve, uh, listen, about our engagement You're pushing me out of the plane? I-I'm gonna live.
Why would I want to be married?