Mork and Mindy (1978) s03e14 Episode Script

WeII, I know he's a big star.
That's why I want to interview him for KTNS.
Oh, I have to go through his manager, Mr.
Morra.
I see.
WeII, couId you have Mr.
Morra's secretary return my caII? Okay, very good.
Thank you.
I wonder if Woodward and Bernstein had this much troubIe trying to get to Nixon.
How do you Iike these new threads, Mind? Aren't they incredibIe? Do you think it's more Sears or GQ? - What are you so dressed up for? - It's picture day at the daycare centre.
- How do I Iook? - Oh, you Iook reaI nice.
Except don't forget to hoId in your stomach.
- What are you dressed up for? - I've got a big interview today.
- How do I Iook? - Oh, reaI nice.
But don't forget to hoId in your thighs.
Who are you gonna interview today? Oh, Mork, I'm so excited.
Dewey Fishbeck, our feature writer, is out with the mumps.
And Mr.
Sternhagen, my boss, wants me to interview you'II never guess who.
Let me try.
RuIa Lenska.
No.
Menachem Begin.
No.
Give up? Yeah, I don't know who it is.
Who is it? Who, who, who, Mind? Robin WiIIiams.
Who? Robin WiIIiams.
What's so funny about that? Does he reaIIy caII himseIf Robin? WeII, yeah.
Do you know what robin means on Ork? No.
Oh, that's disgusting.
Don't Iook at me.
I didn't give him that smutty name.
His parents must have had a sense of humour, though, Mind.
I can't beIieve you've never heard of him.
He's a comedian.
He's a star of TV, movies and nightcIubs.
In fact, he's in town right now doing a big soIar energy benefit.
WeII, I stiII don't know what the big deaI is, Mind.
Why do you want to taIk to him? WeII, a Iot of peopIe on Earth are reaI interested to hear what stars have to say.
I'm waiting for his manager to caII me back to set up an appointment right now.
You know, you Iook a IittIe bit Iike him.
Me-o? Yeah, you-o.
I'm gonna get his aIbum.
I wanna show you.
You're not gonna beIieve this.
Yeah, you Iook a Iot Iike him.
Come on now, Mind.
This guy's gonna drown if he goes out in the rain.
Oh, come on, Mind.
Scoff, scoff.
I mean, ApriI FrinkIe's Day.
Come on, Mork, you Iook exactIy Iike him.
Oh, now, come on now, Mind, Iook at that there, Iook at that.
He Iooks Iike he does his hair with a Cuisinart.
And he's got a road map for eyes.
You couId pack a famiIy in that nose, Mind.
Look at that mouth too.
They had to airbrush his entire face.
Are you kidding? Mind, Iisten, I'm bright and cheery.
This guy's got big probIems.
Where is the interview with Robin WiIIiams? WeII, I've been having a IittIe troubIe with that.
He won't return any of my caIIs.
I mean, how do you reach someone who's inaccessibIe? InaccessibIe? Last night, Mr.
WiIIiams dropped in to the Comedy Cabaret and performed for nothing.
WeII, how was I supposed to know? WeII, even I knew about it.
I heard it from Armondo.
Who's Armondo? The feIIow fumigating my office.
He got to see one of Robin WiIIiams' shows? No.
Mr.
WiIIiams mentioned it to Armondo today over Iunch.
Robin introduced himseIf to everyone at DaVinci's Restaurant.
He was at Remo and Jeanie's restaurant? Oh, friends of yours? Not anymore.
Okay.
I'II get that interview somehow.
- You can count on me.
- Good.
The owner of the station is putting pressure on me.
And you know how I handIe pressure.
Hey, Mindy.
Done with this? No.
Jeanie, I'm mad at you.
At me? Why? What did I do? You knew I've been trying to get an interview with Robin WiIIiams.
He was here yesterday and you didn't caII me.
Oh, no.
Oh, Mindy, I am reaIIy sorry.
It was crazy in here.
It was-- Oh, I'm sorry.
CouId you forgive me? Oh, aII right.
Hi, scouts.
What's going on? The pIace is so crowded I had to park in the back.
Yeah, me too.
Robin WiIIiams came in here for Iunch yesterday.
Everybody's waiting for him to come back.
How tacky.
Mindy, what are you doing here? TackiIy waiting for him to come back.
CouId you come over? We have a Iot of customers.
I know.
This is a new experience for me.
Mindy McConneII, I'm ashamed of you.
Hanging around here Iike some kind of groupie.
Now, that hurts, NeIson.
I'm supposed to interview Robin for the station.
And it seems Iike everybody in town has met him except me.
WeII, I'm sure you're exaggerating.
Hey, guys, did you see these PoIaroids they have of me and Robin WiIIiams? That's us.
There's Robin and Jeanie.
There's Robin and Armondo.
You know, the bug guy? Good picture.
The bug man gets to meet Robin WiIIiams.
I shouId have taken fumigation in coIIege.
Excuse me.
I have to go.
I'm getting a headache.
Boy, is she upset.
Yeah, Iook at this one.
Picture of Robin autographing the chopped Iiver with his finger.
I'm having this one Perma PIaqued.
Good penmanship.
Look, he made a happy face in the O.
Excuse me.
For the owner of the car with the New Mexico Iicense pIate, pIease cIaim your car at the bottom of the hiII.
You forgot to set your handbrake.
Look, everyone, it's Robin.
Robin! My name is Mork.
Watch your Ianguage.
Robin! So that's Robin WiIIiams, huh? You know, you're gonna think I'm crazy, but he Iooks a IittIe bit Iike Mork.
You're right.
I think you're crazy.
Oh, Iook, they caught him.
No big deaI.
With the money he makes, he can afford new cIothes.
They reaIIy shouIdn't toss him up in the air Iike that.
WeII, teII Mr.
WiIIiams that Barbara WaIters caIIed.
And when he caIIs back, he shouId ask for my secretary, Mindy.
Thank you.
Come on in, Mr.
Sternhagen.
Thank you.
Where'd she go? Mr.
Sternhagen, did you just come from Iunch? Yes.
And I know you can't teII it, but I had two or three IittIe drinks.
And do you know why? Why? I knew I was in troubIe when Mrs.
Ovitz, the woman who owns the station, pIied me with drinks at Iunchtime.
She said if we don't get the interview, I'm out.
And if I'm out Guess who's going with me? Me.
No.
You.
Mr.
Sternhagen, I have tried everything.
- I tried Iying.
- That's good.
- And I tried bribery.
- Oh, that's reaI good.
I even went as far as trying to buy tickets to his concert so I couId sneak backstage to meet him, but they're soId-out.
WeII, you're in a predic-- You're in a predic-- You're up a creek, kiddo.
The same thing happened to me in New York when I was big in the network.
The president said I had to deIiver someone or I was out.
I was out.
WeII, what did you do? Does this Iook Iike New York here? WeII, I gotta get go-- I better go.
I'm gonna Ieave now.
- Mr.
Sternhagen.
- Yes? Did you drive? Oh, yes.
That's my IittIe beauty parked out there in your hedge.
WeII, I don't think you shouId drive.
I think you shouId take a IittIe nap.
I can do that whiIe I'm driving.
No.
Why don't you come with me? I think you shouId go right in there.
WeII, wiII you pIease fix me some cookies and warm bourbon? - Don't panic.
- I'm not panicking.
You have no reason to panic, Mind.
They're not after you.
Who's after you and why? The entire town, Mind.
They know I'm an aIien.
They chased me.
They tore my cIothes.
They pursued me with fountain pens.
Just because I'm different doesn't make me a bad guy, does it? I mean, I say my prayers, I pet my vegetabIes.
I put my pants on Iike everybody eIse, headfirst.
Mork, how couId they find out you're an aIien? I don't know.
I don't know.
But they caIIed me fiIthy names.
Did they caII you Robin? That's disgusting.
Mork, they think you're Robin WiIIiams.
Who? Robin WiIIiams, the guy who Iooks Iike you.
Oh, you mean that bozo on the aIbum? Yeah.
Oh, no, Mind, I don't Iook anything Iike him.
They know I'm an aIien.
They're onto me.
If they catch me, they're gonna tar and feather me and put me on That's lncredible! They'II put me on that.
I'm teIIing you, they think you're Robin WiIIiams.
Mind, now, assuming you're right-- Which I think you're way off base.
You're Iike in Ieft fieId going, ''Where am I? Where am I?'' --wouId they tear Robin WiIIiams' cIothes off? - Yes.
- But you toId me they Iiked him.
WeII, they do.
That's why they want his cIothes.
And if they didn't Iike him, boy, he'd be in reaI troubIe.
He'd be jacked up on four bIocks with nothing Ieft but his kneecaps.
WeII, it's not quite Iike that either.
Why don't you come with me tonight? You'II see how much you Iook Iike him.
I've gotta go to the auditorium and try to interview him.
- It's my Iast shot.
- What are you gonna do, Mind? Oh, hang around the stage door tiII he shows up.
Like some groupie? ExactIy.
WeII, I'II go with you as your escort, but I've gotta get disguised, Mind.
I teII you, they're onto me.
They know I'm an aIien.
Mork, I wish you'd take off the siIIy-Iooking gIasses.
It's a perfect disguise, Mind.
Everyone thinks I'm from L.
A.
Watch this.
Excuse me, sir.
I just want you to know that there are no aIiens from outer space in this area.
- For sure.
- Mork.
Your disguise is starting to attract attention.
Now, you'd be much Iess conspicuous if you'd take off the nose, puII down your hat and turn up your coIIar.
- Trust me.
- Mind.
- Trust me.
- But, Mind - Do you trust me? - Oh, Mind.
AII right.
- For you.
- There.
Look, it's him, Robin WiIIiams.
Stay back.
Break it up.
Right this way, Mr.
WiIIiams.
No, wait.
I'm with him.
- Is she with you, sir? - Trust me, Mind.
- I've never seen this woman in my Iife.
- What? Just kidding, officer.
It's actuaIIy my brother.
He Iikes to dress up a IittIe bit.
Come aIong, RoIand.
Here's your dressing room, Mr.
WiIIiams.
If there's anything I can do, Iet me know.
Yeah, a new pair of retinas wouId be very nice, pIease.
Hard to beIieve you get paid for that.
Do you beIieve it, Mork? We're in Robin WiIIiams' dressing room.
And we're about to meet him.
I don't know what the big deaI is aII about.
Are you kidding, Mork? PeopIe stand in Iine for hours just to get a gIimpse of a star, Iet aIone meet one.
And we're about to meet a big star.
Poor IittIe starstruck Mind.
Now, caIm that perky IittIe heart of yours.
Don't you understand that a star's just a big baII of gIowing hot gas? He's just an ordinary human being who's been hyped by an advertising campaign.
PersonaIIy, I'd rather be at home right now fIossing my ears.
HeIIo.
You know, you Iook a Iot Iike No, he's a woman now.
Excuse me, Mr.
WiIIiams, but I have a big, big, big favour to ask of you.
I know you don't know me and I don't wanna impose, but I'm supposed to get an interview with you for KTNS, and if I don't, I'II be fired.
Yeah.
This has been a bad year for her.
She bet on Carter, Roberto Duran and she had to buy ChrysIer stock too.
WeII, I got a minute.
My manager's not here.
And sure, why not? Thank you.
I can't beIieve it.
Oh, thank you.
You're doing me such a big favour.
I don't beIieve it.
This is my friend, Mork.
HeIIo.
And I'm Mindy McConneII.
You're not from the Enquirer, are you? Pardon me? - LittIe joke.
- No.
Boy, you sure are a hard man to get in touch with.
You have tighter security than the pope.
She couIdn't get past your manager's secretary's secretary's secretary's answering machine.
Mork, wouId you pIease? Sorry, Mind.
I know you've probabIy been asked this question a Iot, but what's it Iike to be a ceIebrity? WeII, not bad, reaIIy.
It's nice when you get into restaurants at those reaIIy chichi pIaces where they wouIdn't even Iet you wash the fIoors before.
I have another question now, a IittIe fashion byIine.
- Why do you wear baggy pants? - I don't want a visibIe panty Iine.
There's your headIine right there, Mind: ''Robin WiIIiams, kinky.
'' You're a member of the brotherhood of Bozo.
Why do you wear them? That's where I keep my bees.
Do you mind? Back off.
Back off, yeah.
Mr.
WiIIiams, I don't know how you keep up the pace.
I mean, you arrived from Hawaii, fIy aII night and then go straight to the university and Iecture for three hours.
Oh, that was a fIuke, you see.
The piIot of the fIight I was on has a daughter who attends drama cIass here.
He asked if I'd taIk to her cIass to return his favour.
What was the favour? WeII, he said if I'd Iecture, he'd puII out of the dive.
Interesting concept, Mind.
BIackmaiI by gravity.
Write that down.
That's news, news.
But then after the Iecture you performed untiI 3 a.
m.
at the Comedy Cabaret.
And now you're doing two shows tonight.
WeII, two reasons: See, I'm a performing addict.
I can't get enough of it.
AIso the owner of the Comedy Cabaret is a friend of a cousin of a friend of a friend and so on and so on.
- WeII, I couIdn't say no.
- Gee, that's a great angIe for my story.
Robin WiIIiams, the comedian who can't say no.
Excuse me.
My dinner fIew away.
You mind if I have some of your star munchies? Sure, why not? I was hoping you'd go for the traiI mix.
I can't beIieve this man is actuaIIy grazing in front of me.
WeII, back to you.
I'm sorry to avoid you.
I don't know why I can't say no.
I guess I want peopIe to Iike me.
I hate myseIf for that.
But I used to be abIe to say no.
WeII, what do you mean? WeII, before aII this craziness started, my friends used to caII up and go: ''Robin, come on.
We're aII going outside.
There's some gnarIy waves and we can hang out.
'' And I have to go: ''No, my mama said I have to stay inside and read Nietzsche tonight.
'' Later on, I guess I feIt reaIIy afraid to say no to them because then they'd aII say Iike: ''Oh, Robin WiIIiams, Mr.
Smarty-Pants-Big-Shot, wow, you forgot your oId friends.
You can't Iend me $1 0,000 for a new car.
You won't do the Save the Shrimp benefit.
'' This is none of my business, but it seems Iike if they're reaIIy your friends, they'd understand.
But it seems to me you can't say no to a totaI stranger.
You're right.
It aIso Iooks Iike you're probabIy taken advantage of a Iot.
If you Iearned to say no, you'd probabIy have a Iot more time to yourseIf.
Maybe that's the Iast thing I want.
Come in.
- Five minutes, Mr.
WiIIiams.
- Thank you.
You didn't get much of an interview.
I hope you're not disappointed.
Disappointed, are you kidding? You're breaking her perky IittIe heart.
Listen, if it means that much to you, teII you what I'm gonna do for you.
I'II put off my fIight.
Tomorrow morning when my manager's asIeep, I'II sneak down to the TV station and do an on camera interview with you.
You'd do an on camera interview with me? Oh, I can't beIieve it.
I was just supposed to write this up and Iet the anchorman read it.
Oh, that is so nice.
I can't beIieve it.
Oh, wait a minute.
No, I can't do that.
Oh, yeah, that's kind of a bad time for me too.
How about next JuIy? No, Mork.
We were just taIking about how you can't say no.
I'm not gonna be another person just to take advantage of you.
Oh, don't worry about that.
I'II Iearn to say no some other time.
Come on, watch the show from the wings.
Excuse me.
One thing before you go.
Today I was chased by a mob who wanted to tear my cIothes off.
Is it because they say I Iook Iike you? WeII, there's kind of a resembIance.
Sounds Iike you just went through CeIebrity 1 A.
How'd it feeI? Oh, it was frightening.
Why do you want to take a job where they tear your cIothes and throw you? WeII, actuaIIy, I became a performer by accident.
My dad used to have this job where he had to move around a Iot.
Sometimes he'd Ieave the forwarding address.
Oh, he didn't do that.
No, you're right.
I was kidding.
ActuaIIy, he packed me in the crates with the dishes.
What a guy, Mind.
Anyway, I was aIways being Iike the new kid in the neighbourhood.
WeII, since I was suffering from a case of the terminaI shy, I couIdn't make friends that easiIy.
And I spent a Iot of time in my room and I created my own IittIe worId, fuII of, Iike, aII these IittIe characters that had strange, unusuaI quaIities.
After a whiIe, I reaIised peopIe found these characters funny and outrageous.
Then it got to the point where I reaIised that the characters couId say and do things I was afraid to do myseIf.
And after a IittIe whiIe, here I am.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Robin Williams.
We're on.
Take care.
Wish me Iuck.
- Good Iuck.
- Listen to that appIause.
Something Iike that might make torn cIothes worthwhiIe, Mind.
Let's go.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Your Cinerama-ness.
Just get on with your report, Mork.
Oh, yes, sir.
This week, sir, I Iearned what it's Iike to be famous on Earth.
That's good.
Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't.
You see, most EarthIings try very hard to be recognised for what they do, but when they become stars, sir, they reaIise they're recognised wherever they go.
y ou mean they lose their privacy? WeII, sir, sometimes they can even Iose their cIothes.
You see, being a star, sir, is a 24-hour job and you can't Ieave your face at the office.
lsn't fame its own reward? Oh, yes, sir, it is.
When you're a ceIebrity, everybody wants a piece of you.
UnIess you can say no, there wiII be no pieces Ieft for yourseIf.
l thought all stars were rich, live in mansions and drive big eggs.
I know, sir, that's the common misconception.
But you see, to get that, you have to pay a very heavy price.
You have responsibiIities, anxieties.
To be honest, sir, some of them can't take it.
- l'm not buying it, Mork.
- Why, sir? lt sounds to me like they have it made.
WeII, most of them do, sir, but some are victims of their own fame.
Very speciaI and taIented peopIe.
PeopIe Iike EIvis PresIey, MariIyn Monroe, Janis JopIin, Jimi Hendrix, Lenny Bruce, Freddie Prinze and John Lennon.