NewsRadio (1995) s03e14 Episode Script
Complaint Box
Okay, so you just talk into this.
This thing? Yup.
And this does all the rest.
Good, good.
So I see you've stormed the dean's office.
Well, what are your demands? I think that's college humor, sir.
Oh.
I didn't go to college.
Me neither.
Right on, my brother.
BOTH: Hoo! [GIGGLES.]
Going fishing, sir? Yup, yup, yup.
Time for my annual vacation.
Just a little fishing.
You know, me and the great outdoors.
Oh, sounds very relaxing.
Oh, I hope not.
I hate relaxing.
Which is why we got this thing.
I see.
So you catch the fish, then keep them alive using hospital equipment? What we have here is a state-of-the-art, two-way satellite voice hook-up.
I call it the Garrelli 1000.
That's right.
Keeps me in constant contact with, uh, you good folks here at the office.
Just-- Just wait here while I test it out, all right? [CLEARS THROAT.]
This thing work? Yeah.
Watch.
JIMMY: Ahem.
Breaker, breaker, Dave's office.
This is the break room.
Dave's office, come back.
This is Dave's office.
Read you loud and clear, break room.
Over.
Ah, break room, copy's having a big 10-4, good buddy.
Well, looks like we got ourselves a convoy.
Ain't she a beautiful sight? Here are those promos, Dave.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, have you guys seen that headset thing Jimmy's wearing? I guess if you're rich you can afford to look like a bonehead.
Who's that? [AS MATTHEW.]
It's me, Matthew.
Okay, Matthew, wait right there.
Okey-dokey.
Matthew! Come here.
Look.
What is it? There.
Oh.
Yeah? [CLEARS THROAT.]
What? Oh.
Hi, Mr.
-- Oh, wow! Neat headset.
Thanks, thanks.
Kind of like a-- Kind of like a walkie-talkie.
Hey, you wanna help me test if out? Yeah, sure--! Good, good.
Stand here, and we'll test it out, all right? Oh, sure.
All right.
Hear me? I can hear you, can you hear me? Uh, no, I can't hear you too good.
Could you step back a little bit? Step back? Yeah.
Testing, one, two, three.
No, uh, a little more.
Can you hear me, Mr.
James? Coming in.
A little more.
[.]
[CAR HORNS HONKING.]
[COUGHS.]
"Furthermore, no employee of Jimmy James, Incorporated, "or any of its subsidiaries, may discriminate against, "or harass any other employee on the basis of race, creed, religion, gender, age or sexual orientation" Query.
[ALL GROAN.]
Recognized.
What exactly does "creed" mean? DAVE: Oh, come on.
All right.
creed means-- LISA: An accepted system of shared beliefs, religious or otherwise.
Oh, so you can't make fun of somebody for what they believe in.
Right.
Ah, what if it's something crazy like the ancient Egyptians were actually Martians who came to Earth looking for water? And what exactly is crazy about that? Let's see, I'm a Martian, I need water.
I'm gonna travel, who knows how many thousands of miles-- million.
and then land in the middle of a huge desert.
Makes sense to me.
It wasn't always a desert.
Think about it.
"Section 18: any formal complaints regarding co-workers "may be lodged anonymously in a clearly marked box.
"Once you read these employee guidelines, please sign the attached form and give it to Beth.
" MATTHEW: Query.
What? Query.
Recognized.
We don't have a complaint box.
Joe, put up a complaint box.
JOE: Okay.
There.
Wait, I'm not done reading this.
Mm.
Last time, I-- I signed something without reading it, I had to do Bill's dry cleaning for a year.
Mm-hm.
I don't think what Bill made you sign was legally binding.
No, I'm afraid it was.
It was witnessed and notarized by an official notary public.
Joe? Yeah.
And on top of it all, I had to pay Joe a $20 processing fee.
What an ordeal.
[SIGHS.]
Well, at least the three of you have managed to stay friends, huh? Well, it's just business.
What can you do? Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, just remember not to crowd the microphone, all right? I've used one of these before.
Okay, but not like this.
This is the Garrelli 5000 Voice Recording System.
Incredibly sensitive.
So try not to make any extraneous noises.
I understand.
Now can we roll? Sure.
Classics on Tape presents Our Mutual Friend, by Charles Dickens, as read by Catherine Duke.
[STOPS TAPE.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm picking up some background noise here.
I don't hear anything.
Yeah, it's like a clicking.
You know what? Take off your bracelets.
That might help.
And your rings.
Your rings.
And And your blouse too.
Wow.
Now I got a clicking and a ringing.
JIMMY [OVER SYSTEM.]
: Hi, Dave.
Well, I have arrived at the lake.
I was just testing out the old satellite hookup.
Well, it seems to be working fine.
So, what did I miss so far? Nothing much.
We wasted about an hour and a half discussing the employee conduct guidelines.
Well, now, look, that wasn't wasted time, Dave.
Those guidelines are very important.
Really? Why? Because I am tired of getting my ass sued every time some damn employee pinches some other damn employee's ass.
Now, you follow those things to the letter, you hear me? Will do.
[KNOCKING SOUND.]
Would you keep this vile temper of yours under control? No, that's not me.
Somebody's hammering outside my office.
Oh? Well, well, what are we waiting for? Let's go investigate.
Okay.
All right.
Help.
No, hey, hey.
Dave.
Dave! Dave, I said let's go investigate.
You and me both.
Come on.
All right.
Ah.
Dave Nelson and his robot buddy, fighting crime.
Uh There you go, dude.
What, uh-- What is it? Uh, it's a formal complaint box.
Ah.
What does it look like? Sort of like a box.
I like it.
Well, who wouldn't, after that beautiful word-picture.
Know how you told me not to put a bell on it? Well, I didn't.
Thanks.
I put a buzzer.
[BUZZES.]
Great.
Thanks.
Hey, Dave, is Beth around? Yeah.
Wanna talk to her? Uh-huh.
[MOUTHS SILENTLY.]
So did you kill any fish yet, Mr.
James? No, I didn't kill any.
Tell you the truth, I'm a little bored.
Let's, uh-- Let's go for a walk.
Actually, I can't leave my desk because I'm waiting for a call.
Oh, come on, Beth, please? Just a little walk? Oh, okay.
Whatever you say.
All right.
All right, here we go.
Okay.
[HIGH, SQUEAKY VOICE.]
Hey, what up, Mr.
James? Oh, Matthew! Hey, little buddy.
[DEEP VOICE.]
Oh, hello, Mr.
James.
Hi, Catherine.
[IN A SENSUAL VOICE.]
Hi, Jimmy.
[CURIOUSLY.]
Hi.
No.
Nope.
[SMACK.]
Um.
Try the blinds.
I think it's the blinds.
Oh, it's no good.
Shh.
I hear something.
So this is where you sneaks go to try out your interpretive dance.
Shh.
Come on.
We got a background noise problem.
Consider it solved.
Thirty years in radio have honed these ears into the most sensitive of listening devices.
Shut up, Bill.
Silence, if you please.
Joe, what did you have for breakfast? What does that have to do--? Answer the question.
I had a bagel.
Are you sure you didn't have Raisin Bran? I had Raisin Bran.
Yes.
Yes, you did.
Two bowls with skim milk.
That's amazing.
So, what's the background noise? One moment.
Hang on.
Dave wants to see me.
Yes, David? Uh, yeah, Bill.
I was just looking for you.
I know, I know.
And by the way, how was the oatmeal you had for breakfast? I haven't had oatmeal in years.
Oh, you must be really backed up.
Didn't you ever call my colon-cleansing guy? Maybe you remember this morning, we were discussing employee conduct guidelines, and, uh "Whenever an employee lodges a complaint "against another employee, it is the supervisor's duty "to promptly pursue a satisfactory resolution through official channels.
" Uh-huh.
Who ratted me out? Uh, no one ratted anyone out.
Oh.
Then who do you want me to rat on? No one.
No one.
But there has been an official complaint lodged against you.
So, legally, we have to have this conversation to resolve it.
Okay.
I understand.
Thanks for bringing this matter to my attention, and I'll do my best to be more sensitive in the future.
Hold on.
Let me at least tell you what the complaint was.
Please tell me we're not going to have to do some therapeutic role-playing exercise.
No, of course not.
But, uh, apparently you called someone "baby.
" Who? Well, who isn't relevant.
And besides, these cards are anonymous.
Matthew.
Why would you call Matthew "baby"? Are you sure it didn't say "a baby"? I can't-- I can't tell you that.
It was Matthew.
I knew it.
I-I didn't say that.
You didn't have to.
The eyes are the windows to the skull, my friend.
Soul.
For those who have one, yes.
All right.
Thanks, Bill.
And please don't retaliate, all right? [BUZZER RINGS.]
Thank you.
You know that "whenever an employee lodges a complaint "against another employee, it's "the supervisor's duty to satisfactory resolution through official channels.
" I know.
Okay, great.
Great.
Then you may go.
Thanks.
What? Wait.
Wait a minute.
If there's a complaint, let's resolve it.
All right, look, don't take this thing too seriously.
Because I happen to know who wrote it and why.
How could you know who wrote it? The complaint box is anonymous.
Let's just call it a hunch.
Well, okay, Hunchie.
What is it? Well, all right.
It says, uh, "Matthew tells long, boring stories about his personal life that nobody cares about.
" Ouch.
Don't worry.
It's just somebody's idea of a joke.
Well, I think we should talk about this.
Really not necessary.
I think it is necessary, because I do, actually.
I do tell long, boring stories.
Haven't you noticed? Be that as it may, it's not disruptive to the workplace.
I think it is.
I mean, people are trying to work out there, and there's me, telling my long, boring stories.
Blah, blah, blah.
Even I can't get any work done, because there I am going blabbety-blibbity-blabbety all the time.
Jeez.
You wrote this complaint about yourself, didn't you? I cannot divulge that information.
Yes, I did.
But you didn't hear it from me.
You've gone insane.
No, I'm not even here right now.
What? Look, Ma-Matthew, The point is that that complaint box is supposed to be for legitimate grievances.
This is a legitimate grievance.
[BUZZER RINGS.]
Another one.
Oh, somehow I doubt it.
Oh, boy.
Lisa, can I talk to you in my office for a moment? JIMMY: Bom, bom, bom! Oh, Beth, you promised you'd take me everywhere.
Mr.
James, I never promised you that.
Okay, maybe not.
But it gets lonely in my little box.
Well, it gets lonely in my little box too.
But I'm not taking you into the bathroom with me.
Oh, please, Beth, Beth! Come back, Beth! [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
"responsibility to seek a satisfactory resolution--" Are we gonna be wrapping this up anytime soon? "Through the official channels.
" [BUZZER RINGS.]
All right, let me guess.
Matthew is upset because I wouldn't let him use my nail file.
No, I'm afraid it's a little more serious than that.
Oh! My eyelash curler? Look, you know, I'm-- I'm legally bound here.
And-- [BUZZER RINGS.]
If I don't respond to each of these complaints officially, I could be sued or fired.
What's the complaint? All right.
[BUZZER RINGS.]
Some person or persons seem to feel that [BUZZER RINGING.]
you get special treatment because you are sleeping with the boss.
[SCOFFS.]
That's ridiculous.
These complaints are getting more and more ludicrous by the second.
That's crazy.
I don't agree.
This is the first legitimate complaint I've had.
Dave, I am not sleeping with Mr.
James.
I think [BUZZER RINGS.]
the boss they're probably referring to is me.
Oh.
Right.
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Oh, well.
Uh, it's still crazy though.
Name one thing I get from you the rest of the staff doesn't.
Well, for starters, there's my-- [BUZZER RINGS.]
Besides that.
Uh, look, I know this is a subject we both try to avoid, but, uh, if even one person feels this way, we should try to be sensitive to it.
You're right.
Mm-hm.
Dave you know, if you, uh tore up that little complaint, I'm sure I could make it worth your while.
Really? Oh, yeah.
Oh, now see? That was totally unethical.
And completely inappropriate.
And I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid you leave me no choice but to pursue this through official channels.
[BUZZER RINGS.]
[SIGHS.]
All right, I take the complaint box very seriously, and I seem to be the only one who does.
A complaint about the complaint box? Delicious.
Bill, I'm serious.
I'm not amused, all right? I happen to be the one who has to deal with all of them, no matter how stupid they are.
Well, Dave, how stupid could they be? Well, let's have a look here.
"You suck.
" "You suck.
" "Howard Stern rules.
" "If you can read this, you are a dork.
" "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl.
" "We need more complaint cards.
" "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy.
" Hey.
And: "You will go on a journey.
Happy long time.
" "Matthew is a moron.
" "No, I'm not.
" "Yes, you are.
" "No, I'm not infinity.
" "Yes, you are infinity plus one.
" And this one: "I have doobie in my funk.
" Which I assume is some sort of reference to the problem in Funkadelic's song, "Chocolate City.
" Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate.
" "You got chocolate in my peanut butter.
" "Together they taste like crap.
" "Matthew has been staring at me all dayand I love it.
" I don't quite get this one.
It says, uh, "I try to be good, hard worker man, "but 'refrigemator' so messy.
So, so messy.
" UmI think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.
BILL: Oh, "refrigemator.
" Oh, then that-- Then that one's legitimate.
Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?" ALL: Shaft! I thought we'd all enjoy that.
[ALL LAUGH.]
And, "Help.
I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box.
" Which is actually kind of funny.
[ALL LAUGH.]
DAVE: Now, seriously, guys, I know-- I know it seems silly, but the, uh-- The complaint box can serve a useful purpose if we don't abuse it with, you know, petty bitching and a bunch of jokes, all right? All right, so, um, that's pretty much it.
So, thanks.
Meeting adjourned.
Listen, you guys, seriously.
Has anybody seen Mr.
James? BILL: He's on a fishing trip.
No, no.
I mean, have you seen the box that Mr.
James is in? Let me see if I can explain this to you, Beth.
Jimmy isn't actually in the box.
I know that, Bill.
But we had an argument, and he disappeared.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
What's he doing now? Uh, John Travolta's dancing around really funny.
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You sure this isn't Pulp Fiction? No, this is the angel one, with the wings? Oh, yeah.
Oh, wait a minute.
He's dancing funny again.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Where's Mr.
James? Mr.
Ja--? Uh, he's fishing, Dave.
No, I-- That voice box thing.
I need to talk to him.
I lost him, Dave.
Hm? Dave, he's just this tiny little box, somewhere out there in that great big city! Oh.
Well, Don't worry.
You know, we'll get the coffee machine, the printer, and the fax machine, and we'll form a search party.
So then at the very end, he and the old lady dance off into heaven.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! That's amazing.
Now, you're sure this wasn't Pulp Fiction? Not really.
Well, we're here.
Oh, Mr.
James! You are back! Hey, sweetie.
Hi.
Where have you been? Beth and I have been worried sick.
Oh, hi, Dave.
Oh, we went to a movie.
Hey, give Brian here 50 bucks for his time, plus the price of two tickets, would you? Take it out of petty cash.
Uh, actually, I-- I only paid for one ticket.
I snuck Jimmy in under my coat.
Well then, you let me pay for the popcorn.
[LAUGHS.]
You had popcorn? Dave, I don't think you understand.
I'm not actually in the box.
Dave, get to the point.
Well, I was saying that when one employee lodges a complaint against another employee I'm on vacation! it's the responsibility-- If someone complained about me, can't you give me my official reprimand, or whatever the hell it is, when I get back? Well, sir, you see, the-- The problem is that this particular complaint was lodged, uh Was lodged against me.
Oh.
I see.
And since I'm your superior, I have to reprimand you.
Yeah.
Mm-hm.
All right, well, this whole process seems kind of stupid to me, but my lawyers tell me I gotta do it, so, shoot.
All right.
What's the complaint? Well, I-I was lecturing the staff on not using the complaint box for, you know, petty moaning and bitching, and, uh, apparently someone complained about my use of the word "bitch.
" Okay, this is actually a very serious matter.
No, no.
It really isn't.
I'm pretty sure it was just a joke.
[SIGHS.]
Dave, look at me.
Well-- Look at me.
Do I look like I'm joking? That word is on a list of words that my lawyers have identified as a class-three pejorative.
Well, what does that mean? That means I have to report you to my chief legal counsel so we can resolve this.
Come on, this is ridiculous.
Hey, it's not me, Dave.
It's the lawyers.
Ah, but the lawyers are a bunch of jackasses.
Oh, boy.
And while the B word, as I call it, is merely a class-three pejorative, your use of the term "jackass," particularly to describe a member of the legal community, is something this company cannot accept.
I-I didn't say that you, specifically, were a jackass.
I-I-I just-- Please, Mr.
-- Mr.
Nelson.
What my client means to say is that-- This is all ridiculous anyway, because I was the one who filed the complaint about the B word, and I was just joking-- Please, Miss Miller.
What my client is trying to express here-- JIMMY: All right, everybody, just shut up for a second! This has gotten completely out of control.
Why can't we just all get along? MAN: Jimmy, please.
Jimmy, please.
Uh, Mr.
James in no way means to impede the due course of the regulations enacted by the corporation-- Yeah, yeah.
Hey, hey, Roger? You sound funny.
Yeah, I'm on speakerphone, Jimmy.
Oh, yeah? Me too! Where the hell are you? Well, to be honest with you, I'm fishing at that lake I was telling you about.
JIMMY: Nah! Get out! No way.
Me too! Hey.
Wait, now, hang on for a second.
You're not in a yellow cabin cruiser, are you? Uh, yeah.
Turn to your left.
No.
A little further.
Hey, Roger! Well, I'll be damned.
Hey, silly, have a seat.
I've had nightmares like this.
JIMMY: Would you quiet down? I'm trying to talk to Roger here.
Joe.
Joe! Yeah.
I'm getting a good read on it.
It's a definite clicking.
[SIGHS.]
Oh.
It just stopped.
There it goes again.
Joe, this clicking, does it sound anything like plastic? Yeah, but, like, a clicky plastic.
Mm-hm.
Like, maybe, plastic clicking against something, like, say, the spokes of a cheap, slapped-together reel to reel? Could be.
Could be.
Mm-hmm.
And could this plastic be, I don't know, maybe a label with the words "Garrelli 5000" on it? Huh.
Why, the-- The Garrelli 4000 had the exact same defect.
Don't-- Don't! Okay, we gotta get outta here right now.
I'm serious.
[SNORING.]
Mr.
James is so sleepy Sleepy, baby, Sleepy, sleepy He's a fuzzy-wuzzy, sleepy Attention, everybody! Shh! Dave! [MUMBLING.]
Yeah, he's a fuzzy-wuzzy sleepy guy.
After consultation with Mr.
James' lawyers, we now have a new policy concerning complaints.
Before a complaint can be put into the box, it must be filled out on one of these forms in triplicate.
No carbons or photocopies will be accepted.
Thank you and good night.
I don't have time for this.
Champ, I gotta take off.
Would you mind finishing this for me? No "problemo," dude.
Thank you.
Hey, wait, Bill.
What is this supposed to mean? About, "Matthew always spends too much time filling out paperwork.
" Oh, yeah, well, I'll show him.
Have a seat, sir.
Hey, watch-- Shh-shh-shh! Just hang on.
Keep it down for a second.
Uh, all right, well Uh, when one employee lodges a complaint-- [WHISPERS.]
Dave, I'm serious! I'm serious.
Shut up.
Sir, this isn't easy for me.
Yeah, well, I think I see an alligator about 10 yards away, so it isn't exactly easy for me either, is it? Oh, uh Oh, yeah.
th-th-that's a gator all right.
Go on! Go get her! All right, all right.
J-just stay cool.
I'm-- I'm trying to, sir.
I'm talking to myself, Dave.
Uh-- Oh.
Oh, yeah.
That gator is swimming right towards me.
Listen, sir, maybe-- Maybe you should try to, uh-- [SCREAMS.]
[FRANTIC SPLASHING.]
Sir, are you okay? Yeah, that scared him off.
So where were we?
This thing? Yup.
And this does all the rest.
Good, good.
So I see you've stormed the dean's office.
Well, what are your demands? I think that's college humor, sir.
Oh.
I didn't go to college.
Me neither.
Right on, my brother.
BOTH: Hoo! [GIGGLES.]
Going fishing, sir? Yup, yup, yup.
Time for my annual vacation.
Just a little fishing.
You know, me and the great outdoors.
Oh, sounds very relaxing.
Oh, I hope not.
I hate relaxing.
Which is why we got this thing.
I see.
So you catch the fish, then keep them alive using hospital equipment? What we have here is a state-of-the-art, two-way satellite voice hook-up.
I call it the Garrelli 1000.
That's right.
Keeps me in constant contact with, uh, you good folks here at the office.
Just-- Just wait here while I test it out, all right? [CLEARS THROAT.]
This thing work? Yeah.
Watch.
JIMMY: Ahem.
Breaker, breaker, Dave's office.
This is the break room.
Dave's office, come back.
This is Dave's office.
Read you loud and clear, break room.
Over.
Ah, break room, copy's having a big 10-4, good buddy.
Well, looks like we got ourselves a convoy.
Ain't she a beautiful sight? Here are those promos, Dave.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, have you guys seen that headset thing Jimmy's wearing? I guess if you're rich you can afford to look like a bonehead.
Who's that? [AS MATTHEW.]
It's me, Matthew.
Okay, Matthew, wait right there.
Okey-dokey.
Matthew! Come here.
Look.
What is it? There.
Oh.
Yeah? [CLEARS THROAT.]
What? Oh.
Hi, Mr.
-- Oh, wow! Neat headset.
Thanks, thanks.
Kind of like a-- Kind of like a walkie-talkie.
Hey, you wanna help me test if out? Yeah, sure--! Good, good.
Stand here, and we'll test it out, all right? Oh, sure.
All right.
Hear me? I can hear you, can you hear me? Uh, no, I can't hear you too good.
Could you step back a little bit? Step back? Yeah.
Testing, one, two, three.
No, uh, a little more.
Can you hear me, Mr.
James? Coming in.
A little more.
[.]
[CAR HORNS HONKING.]
[COUGHS.]
"Furthermore, no employee of Jimmy James, Incorporated, "or any of its subsidiaries, may discriminate against, "or harass any other employee on the basis of race, creed, religion, gender, age or sexual orientation" Query.
[ALL GROAN.]
Recognized.
What exactly does "creed" mean? DAVE: Oh, come on.
All right.
creed means-- LISA: An accepted system of shared beliefs, religious or otherwise.
Oh, so you can't make fun of somebody for what they believe in.
Right.
Ah, what if it's something crazy like the ancient Egyptians were actually Martians who came to Earth looking for water? And what exactly is crazy about that? Let's see, I'm a Martian, I need water.
I'm gonna travel, who knows how many thousands of miles-- million.
and then land in the middle of a huge desert.
Makes sense to me.
It wasn't always a desert.
Think about it.
"Section 18: any formal complaints regarding co-workers "may be lodged anonymously in a clearly marked box.
"Once you read these employee guidelines, please sign the attached form and give it to Beth.
" MATTHEW: Query.
What? Query.
Recognized.
We don't have a complaint box.
Joe, put up a complaint box.
JOE: Okay.
There.
Wait, I'm not done reading this.
Mm.
Last time, I-- I signed something without reading it, I had to do Bill's dry cleaning for a year.
Mm-hm.
I don't think what Bill made you sign was legally binding.
No, I'm afraid it was.
It was witnessed and notarized by an official notary public.
Joe? Yeah.
And on top of it all, I had to pay Joe a $20 processing fee.
What an ordeal.
[SIGHS.]
Well, at least the three of you have managed to stay friends, huh? Well, it's just business.
What can you do? Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, just remember not to crowd the microphone, all right? I've used one of these before.
Okay, but not like this.
This is the Garrelli 5000 Voice Recording System.
Incredibly sensitive.
So try not to make any extraneous noises.
I understand.
Now can we roll? Sure.
Classics on Tape presents Our Mutual Friend, by Charles Dickens, as read by Catherine Duke.
[STOPS TAPE.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm picking up some background noise here.
I don't hear anything.
Yeah, it's like a clicking.
You know what? Take off your bracelets.
That might help.
And your rings.
Your rings.
And And your blouse too.
Wow.
Now I got a clicking and a ringing.
JIMMY [OVER SYSTEM.]
: Hi, Dave.
Well, I have arrived at the lake.
I was just testing out the old satellite hookup.
Well, it seems to be working fine.
So, what did I miss so far? Nothing much.
We wasted about an hour and a half discussing the employee conduct guidelines.
Well, now, look, that wasn't wasted time, Dave.
Those guidelines are very important.
Really? Why? Because I am tired of getting my ass sued every time some damn employee pinches some other damn employee's ass.
Now, you follow those things to the letter, you hear me? Will do.
[KNOCKING SOUND.]
Would you keep this vile temper of yours under control? No, that's not me.
Somebody's hammering outside my office.
Oh? Well, well, what are we waiting for? Let's go investigate.
Okay.
All right.
Help.
No, hey, hey.
Dave.
Dave! Dave, I said let's go investigate.
You and me both.
Come on.
All right.
Ah.
Dave Nelson and his robot buddy, fighting crime.
Uh There you go, dude.
What, uh-- What is it? Uh, it's a formal complaint box.
Ah.
What does it look like? Sort of like a box.
I like it.
Well, who wouldn't, after that beautiful word-picture.
Know how you told me not to put a bell on it? Well, I didn't.
Thanks.
I put a buzzer.
[BUZZES.]
Great.
Thanks.
Hey, Dave, is Beth around? Yeah.
Wanna talk to her? Uh-huh.
[MOUTHS SILENTLY.]
So did you kill any fish yet, Mr.
James? No, I didn't kill any.
Tell you the truth, I'm a little bored.
Let's, uh-- Let's go for a walk.
Actually, I can't leave my desk because I'm waiting for a call.
Oh, come on, Beth, please? Just a little walk? Oh, okay.
Whatever you say.
All right.
All right, here we go.
Okay.
[HIGH, SQUEAKY VOICE.]
Hey, what up, Mr.
James? Oh, Matthew! Hey, little buddy.
[DEEP VOICE.]
Oh, hello, Mr.
James.
Hi, Catherine.
[IN A SENSUAL VOICE.]
Hi, Jimmy.
[CURIOUSLY.]
Hi.
No.
Nope.
[SMACK.]
Um.
Try the blinds.
I think it's the blinds.
Oh, it's no good.
Shh.
I hear something.
So this is where you sneaks go to try out your interpretive dance.
Shh.
Come on.
We got a background noise problem.
Consider it solved.
Thirty years in radio have honed these ears into the most sensitive of listening devices.
Shut up, Bill.
Silence, if you please.
Joe, what did you have for breakfast? What does that have to do--? Answer the question.
I had a bagel.
Are you sure you didn't have Raisin Bran? I had Raisin Bran.
Yes.
Yes, you did.
Two bowls with skim milk.
That's amazing.
So, what's the background noise? One moment.
Hang on.
Dave wants to see me.
Yes, David? Uh, yeah, Bill.
I was just looking for you.
I know, I know.
And by the way, how was the oatmeal you had for breakfast? I haven't had oatmeal in years.
Oh, you must be really backed up.
Didn't you ever call my colon-cleansing guy? Maybe you remember this morning, we were discussing employee conduct guidelines, and, uh "Whenever an employee lodges a complaint "against another employee, it is the supervisor's duty "to promptly pursue a satisfactory resolution through official channels.
" Uh-huh.
Who ratted me out? Uh, no one ratted anyone out.
Oh.
Then who do you want me to rat on? No one.
No one.
But there has been an official complaint lodged against you.
So, legally, we have to have this conversation to resolve it.
Okay.
I understand.
Thanks for bringing this matter to my attention, and I'll do my best to be more sensitive in the future.
Hold on.
Let me at least tell you what the complaint was.
Please tell me we're not going to have to do some therapeutic role-playing exercise.
No, of course not.
But, uh, apparently you called someone "baby.
" Who? Well, who isn't relevant.
And besides, these cards are anonymous.
Matthew.
Why would you call Matthew "baby"? Are you sure it didn't say "a baby"? I can't-- I can't tell you that.
It was Matthew.
I knew it.
I-I didn't say that.
You didn't have to.
The eyes are the windows to the skull, my friend.
Soul.
For those who have one, yes.
All right.
Thanks, Bill.
And please don't retaliate, all right? [BUZZER RINGS.]
Thank you.
You know that "whenever an employee lodges a complaint "against another employee, it's "the supervisor's duty to satisfactory resolution through official channels.
" I know.
Okay, great.
Great.
Then you may go.
Thanks.
What? Wait.
Wait a minute.
If there's a complaint, let's resolve it.
All right, look, don't take this thing too seriously.
Because I happen to know who wrote it and why.
How could you know who wrote it? The complaint box is anonymous.
Let's just call it a hunch.
Well, okay, Hunchie.
What is it? Well, all right.
It says, uh, "Matthew tells long, boring stories about his personal life that nobody cares about.
" Ouch.
Don't worry.
It's just somebody's idea of a joke.
Well, I think we should talk about this.
Really not necessary.
I think it is necessary, because I do, actually.
I do tell long, boring stories.
Haven't you noticed? Be that as it may, it's not disruptive to the workplace.
I think it is.
I mean, people are trying to work out there, and there's me, telling my long, boring stories.
Blah, blah, blah.
Even I can't get any work done, because there I am going blabbety-blibbity-blabbety all the time.
Jeez.
You wrote this complaint about yourself, didn't you? I cannot divulge that information.
Yes, I did.
But you didn't hear it from me.
You've gone insane.
No, I'm not even here right now.
What? Look, Ma-Matthew, The point is that that complaint box is supposed to be for legitimate grievances.
This is a legitimate grievance.
[BUZZER RINGS.]
Another one.
Oh, somehow I doubt it.
Oh, boy.
Lisa, can I talk to you in my office for a moment? JIMMY: Bom, bom, bom! Oh, Beth, you promised you'd take me everywhere.
Mr.
James, I never promised you that.
Okay, maybe not.
But it gets lonely in my little box.
Well, it gets lonely in my little box too.
But I'm not taking you into the bathroom with me.
Oh, please, Beth, Beth! Come back, Beth! [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
"responsibility to seek a satisfactory resolution--" Are we gonna be wrapping this up anytime soon? "Through the official channels.
" [BUZZER RINGS.]
All right, let me guess.
Matthew is upset because I wouldn't let him use my nail file.
No, I'm afraid it's a little more serious than that.
Oh! My eyelash curler? Look, you know, I'm-- I'm legally bound here.
And-- [BUZZER RINGS.]
If I don't respond to each of these complaints officially, I could be sued or fired.
What's the complaint? All right.
[BUZZER RINGS.]
Some person or persons seem to feel that [BUZZER RINGING.]
you get special treatment because you are sleeping with the boss.
[SCOFFS.]
That's ridiculous.
These complaints are getting more and more ludicrous by the second.
That's crazy.
I don't agree.
This is the first legitimate complaint I've had.
Dave, I am not sleeping with Mr.
James.
I think [BUZZER RINGS.]
the boss they're probably referring to is me.
Oh.
Right.
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Oh, well.
Uh, it's still crazy though.
Name one thing I get from you the rest of the staff doesn't.
Well, for starters, there's my-- [BUZZER RINGS.]
Besides that.
Uh, look, I know this is a subject we both try to avoid, but, uh, if even one person feels this way, we should try to be sensitive to it.
You're right.
Mm-hm.
Dave you know, if you, uh tore up that little complaint, I'm sure I could make it worth your while.
Really? Oh, yeah.
Oh, now see? That was totally unethical.
And completely inappropriate.
And I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid you leave me no choice but to pursue this through official channels.
[BUZZER RINGS.]
[SIGHS.]
All right, I take the complaint box very seriously, and I seem to be the only one who does.
A complaint about the complaint box? Delicious.
Bill, I'm serious.
I'm not amused, all right? I happen to be the one who has to deal with all of them, no matter how stupid they are.
Well, Dave, how stupid could they be? Well, let's have a look here.
"You suck.
" "You suck.
" "Howard Stern rules.
" "If you can read this, you are a dork.
" "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl.
" "We need more complaint cards.
" "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy.
" Hey.
And: "You will go on a journey.
Happy long time.
" "Matthew is a moron.
" "No, I'm not.
" "Yes, you are.
" "No, I'm not infinity.
" "Yes, you are infinity plus one.
" And this one: "I have doobie in my funk.
" Which I assume is some sort of reference to the problem in Funkadelic's song, "Chocolate City.
" Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate.
" "You got chocolate in my peanut butter.
" "Together they taste like crap.
" "Matthew has been staring at me all dayand I love it.
" I don't quite get this one.
It says, uh, "I try to be good, hard worker man, "but 'refrigemator' so messy.
So, so messy.
" UmI think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.
BILL: Oh, "refrigemator.
" Oh, then that-- Then that one's legitimate.
Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?" ALL: Shaft! I thought we'd all enjoy that.
[ALL LAUGH.]
And, "Help.
I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box.
" Which is actually kind of funny.
[ALL LAUGH.]
DAVE: Now, seriously, guys, I know-- I know it seems silly, but the, uh-- The complaint box can serve a useful purpose if we don't abuse it with, you know, petty bitching and a bunch of jokes, all right? All right, so, um, that's pretty much it.
So, thanks.
Meeting adjourned.
Listen, you guys, seriously.
Has anybody seen Mr.
James? BILL: He's on a fishing trip.
No, no.
I mean, have you seen the box that Mr.
James is in? Let me see if I can explain this to you, Beth.
Jimmy isn't actually in the box.
I know that, Bill.
But we had an argument, and he disappeared.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
What's he doing now? Uh, John Travolta's dancing around really funny.
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You sure this isn't Pulp Fiction? No, this is the angel one, with the wings? Oh, yeah.
Oh, wait a minute.
He's dancing funny again.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Where's Mr.
James? Mr.
Ja--? Uh, he's fishing, Dave.
No, I-- That voice box thing.
I need to talk to him.
I lost him, Dave.
Hm? Dave, he's just this tiny little box, somewhere out there in that great big city! Oh.
Well, Don't worry.
You know, we'll get the coffee machine, the printer, and the fax machine, and we'll form a search party.
So then at the very end, he and the old lady dance off into heaven.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! That's amazing.
Now, you're sure this wasn't Pulp Fiction? Not really.
Well, we're here.
Oh, Mr.
James! You are back! Hey, sweetie.
Hi.
Where have you been? Beth and I have been worried sick.
Oh, hi, Dave.
Oh, we went to a movie.
Hey, give Brian here 50 bucks for his time, plus the price of two tickets, would you? Take it out of petty cash.
Uh, actually, I-- I only paid for one ticket.
I snuck Jimmy in under my coat.
Well then, you let me pay for the popcorn.
[LAUGHS.]
You had popcorn? Dave, I don't think you understand.
I'm not actually in the box.
Dave, get to the point.
Well, I was saying that when one employee lodges a complaint against another employee I'm on vacation! it's the responsibility-- If someone complained about me, can't you give me my official reprimand, or whatever the hell it is, when I get back? Well, sir, you see, the-- The problem is that this particular complaint was lodged, uh Was lodged against me.
Oh.
I see.
And since I'm your superior, I have to reprimand you.
Yeah.
Mm-hm.
All right, well, this whole process seems kind of stupid to me, but my lawyers tell me I gotta do it, so, shoot.
All right.
What's the complaint? Well, I-I was lecturing the staff on not using the complaint box for, you know, petty moaning and bitching, and, uh, apparently someone complained about my use of the word "bitch.
" Okay, this is actually a very serious matter.
No, no.
It really isn't.
I'm pretty sure it was just a joke.
[SIGHS.]
Dave, look at me.
Well-- Look at me.
Do I look like I'm joking? That word is on a list of words that my lawyers have identified as a class-three pejorative.
Well, what does that mean? That means I have to report you to my chief legal counsel so we can resolve this.
Come on, this is ridiculous.
Hey, it's not me, Dave.
It's the lawyers.
Ah, but the lawyers are a bunch of jackasses.
Oh, boy.
And while the B word, as I call it, is merely a class-three pejorative, your use of the term "jackass," particularly to describe a member of the legal community, is something this company cannot accept.
I-I didn't say that you, specifically, were a jackass.
I-I-I just-- Please, Mr.
-- Mr.
Nelson.
What my client means to say is that-- This is all ridiculous anyway, because I was the one who filed the complaint about the B word, and I was just joking-- Please, Miss Miller.
What my client is trying to express here-- JIMMY: All right, everybody, just shut up for a second! This has gotten completely out of control.
Why can't we just all get along? MAN: Jimmy, please.
Jimmy, please.
Uh, Mr.
James in no way means to impede the due course of the regulations enacted by the corporation-- Yeah, yeah.
Hey, hey, Roger? You sound funny.
Yeah, I'm on speakerphone, Jimmy.
Oh, yeah? Me too! Where the hell are you? Well, to be honest with you, I'm fishing at that lake I was telling you about.
JIMMY: Nah! Get out! No way.
Me too! Hey.
Wait, now, hang on for a second.
You're not in a yellow cabin cruiser, are you? Uh, yeah.
Turn to your left.
No.
A little further.
Hey, Roger! Well, I'll be damned.
Hey, silly, have a seat.
I've had nightmares like this.
JIMMY: Would you quiet down? I'm trying to talk to Roger here.
Joe.
Joe! Yeah.
I'm getting a good read on it.
It's a definite clicking.
[SIGHS.]
Oh.
It just stopped.
There it goes again.
Joe, this clicking, does it sound anything like plastic? Yeah, but, like, a clicky plastic.
Mm-hm.
Like, maybe, plastic clicking against something, like, say, the spokes of a cheap, slapped-together reel to reel? Could be.
Could be.
Mm-hmm.
And could this plastic be, I don't know, maybe a label with the words "Garrelli 5000" on it? Huh.
Why, the-- The Garrelli 4000 had the exact same defect.
Don't-- Don't! Okay, we gotta get outta here right now.
I'm serious.
[SNORING.]
Mr.
James is so sleepy Sleepy, baby, Sleepy, sleepy He's a fuzzy-wuzzy, sleepy Attention, everybody! Shh! Dave! [MUMBLING.]
Yeah, he's a fuzzy-wuzzy sleepy guy.
After consultation with Mr.
James' lawyers, we now have a new policy concerning complaints.
Before a complaint can be put into the box, it must be filled out on one of these forms in triplicate.
No carbons or photocopies will be accepted.
Thank you and good night.
I don't have time for this.
Champ, I gotta take off.
Would you mind finishing this for me? No "problemo," dude.
Thank you.
Hey, wait, Bill.
What is this supposed to mean? About, "Matthew always spends too much time filling out paperwork.
" Oh, yeah, well, I'll show him.
Have a seat, sir.
Hey, watch-- Shh-shh-shh! Just hang on.
Keep it down for a second.
Uh, all right, well Uh, when one employee lodges a complaint-- [WHISPERS.]
Dave, I'm serious! I'm serious.
Shut up.
Sir, this isn't easy for me.
Yeah, well, I think I see an alligator about 10 yards away, so it isn't exactly easy for me either, is it? Oh, uh Oh, yeah.
th-th-that's a gator all right.
Go on! Go get her! All right, all right.
J-just stay cool.
I'm-- I'm trying to, sir.
I'm talking to myself, Dave.
Uh-- Oh.
Oh, yeah.
That gator is swimming right towards me.
Listen, sir, maybe-- Maybe you should try to, uh-- [SCREAMS.]
[FRANTIC SPLASHING.]
Sir, are you okay? Yeah, that scared him off.
So where were we?