Raising Hope s03e14 Episode Script

Jimmy, I think I finally found a way to get our little flower girl all the way down the aisle.
Oh, nice.
Huh? Good job.
Hey, what's with all the cameras? I knew it! I knew it! All these years, we've been on a hidden camera reality show.
Just like that Jim Carrey movie.
That's the only way to explain all the crazy things that happen.
Wait, wait, wait.
If that means Jim Carrey's just a character on our show, and none of his movies are real, then I am going to be very upset.
That's nowhere near what's happening.
My mom says I'll probably be getting married three or four times, so she's not coming to this one.
But she still wanted to see it, so she hired this film crew.
And get this, her mom knows a woman from yoga whose husband went to college with the roommate of a guy who put the snacks out on Kevin Bacon's last movie.
And Kevin Bacon was able to get this film crew from my mom's favorite TV show, Modern Family.
We were planning on videotaping the wedding as our gift to Jimmy and Sabrina.
Now we only have a day to figure out what to get 'em.
Coffee mugs that say.
"Mr.
Right" and "Mrs.
Always Right.
" Tie that looks like a fish, or a fish that looks like a tie.
Hermit crabs.
Ice-- you always need ice.
Uh, people sure love those face pages.
All good options, but with such short notice, maybe we should just give them a nice framed picture of us.
Hey, hey! So, we were thinking maybe our wedding gift to you would be to pick up your cake.
You know, we don't need you to pick up the cake for us.
I mean, you guys already printed out those wedding invitations.
And that was enough.
They got the RSVP address wrong.
Again, sorry for the address mix-up.
It is no problem.
And I am sorry for your gifts.
I was not snooping.
Every piece of mail that I've gotten in the past 12 years has been opened by the government.
How many American flags must I hang in the store before you people leave me alone? Ah, I'm guessing these plates are from Frank.
Oh, and also, your Aunt Megan is coming, and she's requesting a vegetarian meal.
Okay, Ranjan, I can clearly see that you've crossed out "steak" and that you wrote "vegetarian.
" All right, you've got to stop doing this.
Maybe I'll eat your beloved eagle.
How would you like that? Hello.
My name is James Chance.
And this is my fiancée, Sabrina Cole Colombo Colony Collins! Yes, I'm sorry.
Collins.
She's changing her name to Chance after tomorrow, so I never bothered learning her maiden name.
Anyway, we're here about our marriage license.
After Jimmy and Sabrina left to get their wedding cake, the city clerk called to tell us there was a problem with their marriage license.
I told you she was a boy.
She's not a boy, Maw Maw.
So, not only could we make up for our little invitation snag-fu, we finally figured out our wedding gift for them: Their marriage license! Hermit crabs! Their marriage license.
So, what's the problem? Did we fill something out wrong? No, your application was rejected because, according to our records, James here is still married to a Lucy Carlyle.
Oh, that.
No, she's dead.
She got electrocuted and hit by a bus.
It was very tragic.
Not really tragic; she was a serial killer.
Is there a word that combines tragic with happiness? Schadenfreude? Now you're just making up words.
Anyway, so we're all set, right? We still need a copy of the death certificate.
You can request one from the coroner's office, and they'll mail it to you in three weeks.
But our wedding's tomorrow.
I don't know what to tell you.
You could dig up her body and bring it here.
I'm kidding.
Don't do that.
The cake we ordered was, like, five-thirds the size of this.
He's not great with fractions, but the point is, is that this is just way too big.
Your father called and changed the order.
He left you a message.
"Hey, baby, since I can't leave rehab "to attend your wedding, "please accept this cake as my gift.
I know how much you love dolphins.
Love, Daddy.
" My sister loves dolphins.
I hate them.
The last thing I was going to do was point out that it was her father who had messed up this time, so I smiled and suggested we just go back and get my dad's truck to move the cake.
But Sabrina had another idea.
We almost made it a block.
Now do you understand why you're not supposed to run into the street after your ball? See, this is not my fault.
This is his fault.
Look, nobody's pointing any fingers.
I know my daughter's death certificate is in here somewhere.
How's your wife? Other than that time you both kidnapped Hope, I was a fan.
Oh, yeah, she's still in prison.
I-I got out early for good behavior, but Margine is doing an extra 12 years for shanking a guard.
Sorry to hear that.
Yeah, but on the upside, uh, now we know that Lucy didn't get all that violent, murdery stuff from my gene pool.
Look, Jimmy's wedding is tomorrow, so we really need you to find that death certificate.
He and Sabrina can't get married without it.
And they're so in love, it would break their hearts.
Probably his more than hers.
You! Well, that's why I couldn't find her death certificate.
Because Lucy isn't dead.
Are you telling me she survived getting electrocuted and getting hit by a bus? Yeah, she's a little fighter.
Gets it from her grandfather.
Nazi sympathizer.
Shot eight times, still a scratch golfer well into his 90s.
That is a really sweet story, but how the hell did she get here? Oh, she was barely alive when the hospital called, so I-I snuck her back here to die in peace.
And then she just pulled through.
She woke up in her childhood bedroom and thought she was eight years old again.
Taking a bus to the skull scrambles up the old noggin a bit.
If she thinks she's eight, then why'd she just try to kill us? Well, seeing you guys must have triggered something in her brain, but as you witnessed, I superglued a very powerful shock collar to her neck.
I got it from a patient of mine who's a masochist.
I had to threaten not to kick his ass in order to get it.
This is crazy.
I'm calling the police.
No, no, no, no.
No, no.
Look, if she goes back into the system, she'll just be out again in a year or two, and something out there will trigger her.
Everyone is safer if she's here.
With me.
I know the rest of the world just sees her as a serial killer, but to me, she's still that little girl who used to call a suitcase a a coo-sace.
Jimmy still says "pasketti," so I totally got where Dale was coming from.
It's crazy.
I wanted to turn her in.
But then she probably wouldn't sign the divorce papers, and the wedding would be delayed.
So, we made a deal.
I picked up a few skills in prison: fighting off rapists with sharp toe nails, making an excellent toilet merlot.
Spent a lot of time in the computer lab where I got very good at graphic design.
So I forged a death certificate, yeah.
Best wedding gift ever.
And, it came with a free bottle of wine.
Now we'll go get the wedding license, and they can wake up tomorrow and just enjoy their wedding day.
I went online to see how you guys should wear these.
And apparently, it's called a cummerbund, not a cumberbun.
Makes me wonder if there are other words I've been saying wrong.
James and Sabrina are having their reception in a gymnasium because they're on a tight budget.
So, to help out, I offered to cater.
And to dust off my old DJ turntables from the '80s.
Ladies! Tap aerobics was supposed to be over at 11:30.
It's now 11:31.
Any fat you haven't tapped off by now can wait until tomorrow.
Programs.
Get your programs.
It's the only way to know how much more you've got to sit through.
Reverend Bob, we got Jimmy and Sabrina's marriage license.
Marvelous.
I've been waiting Wha-wha? You? Barbara June Thompson? I thought you died 50 years ago.
Oh, yeah, I remember him.
Oh, I used to fake my death all the time.
Mostly to get out of stuff.
Oh, especially when I was giving voice lessons to little, chubby, talentless brats who sang like a seal.
The animal, not the Grammy winner with the messed-up face.
Anyway, uh, faking a heart attack was a lot less traumatic than telling them how terrible they were.
Because of you, I gave up my dream of becoming the next Frankie Valli.
You're an evil woman, Barbara June Thompson.
And I refuse to marry anyone who is related to you.
What? No No, no, no, ma'am.
Oh, no.
Jimmy and Sabrina cannot find out about any of this.
I'll stay here with Maw Maw and work on Reverend Bob.
Burt, go stall 'em.
By the way, Maw Maw, now I now you faked that heart attack when you were trying to teach me Spanish.
Apology accepted.
What's with the sword? I take my job as backup best man very seriously.
The truth is, my high school wouldn't let me bring this sword to prom.
Now I finally get a chance to use it.
Small problem.
Why is he going up there? Is it starting? I don't know.
We were too cheap to pay for a rehearsal.
Just go, go.
Okay.
Reverend Bob's running late, so just hang tight.
Hey! What's happening? Reverend Bob is running late.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Sit down, sit down.
This isn't it.
This is not it.
Sit down, sit down.
Reverend Bob is stuck in traffic.
He was, uh, exercising across town.
With weights or demons? I didn't ask.
Point is, it's going to be a while.
Oh, man.
Well, what are we going to do? We have all these people here, and I just I don't want to be rude.
What part of "sit down" do you not understand? Sit! I think I know how we can kill some time till Reverend Bob shows up.
Reception before the ceremony.
Jimmy's a big fan of doing things out of order.
Just ask Hope.
Mind if I take her for one last spin? Dale? Taquito? What are you doing here? This disguise seemed like a much better idea when I thought there'd be other servers here.
What's going on? Uh, bit of a problem.
Uh, Lucy escaped.
You haven't seen her, have you? No.
I thought you said you had her under control.
I did, uh, but her brain got triggered again.
The Natesville Cake-tastrophe has taken an ugly, environmental turn.
We have now confirmed that there are five icing-covered pigeons being treated at local animal hospitals.
And animal experts are preparing for an outbreak of raccoon diabetes.
But in more joyful news, the happy couple who caused this mess, James Chance and Sabrina Collins, walked away from the accident and will walk down the aisle this afternoon at the United Church of Natesville.
No! I'm calling the police.
No, no, no, no, no, Burt, don't.
What-what if this was what if this was Hope? I mean, she is Lucy's daughter.
That makes her half serial killer.
That'll never happen.
Fine.
But Virginia can never find out about this.
I remember when Lucy tore apart her first stray cat.
They grow up so fast.
Wow.
I wasn't paying attention.
Wow, Dan, that was amazing.
If you know any single homeless ladies, I'm on the market.
Literally.
I live on top of the market.
Lucy's either hiding or in disguise.
We're gonna have to check everyone here.
You're right.
What are you doing? Oh.
She's that good.
Ooh.
Stop.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
Would you care to dance? Oh, no.
Would you care to dance? Would you care to dance? Fine.
Go ahead.
I just want to watch.
Will you please come out and talk to us, Reverend Bob? Please don't go.
I'm sure we can work this out.
I thought I killed that woman with my voice.
I didn't speak for five years.
I had to learn sign language.
You don't even want to know what I just called you.
All this whining brings back memories of his awful high notes.
Look, she's crazy, okay? You don't even want to know what she told me I could never do.
She said I could never be a-a doctor, or a lawyer, or a Laker Girl like Paula Abdul Jabbar.
Did you ever become any of those things? No.
I'm a maid because I listened to her.
And also 'cause I got pregnant at 15 and dropped out of high school.
And I'm a little lazy.
But the point is, you can't let anyone but you destroy your dreams.
Well, I've always wanted to Croon again.
Wow.
You have a wonderful voice.
Really? Do you think so? Definitely.
You're better than a lot of professional singers.
Linda McCartney and, uh, um, Captain Kirk come to mind.
Great news.
Reverend Bob just arrived.
Thank God.
Ugh, now we can finally get this wedding back on track and do things the way we planned.
Well, not exactly.
You won't be walking down the aisle to "Here Comes the Bride.
" I knew Virginia would be mad if she found out I was hiding the fact that Lucy had escaped, so I decided not to tell her, which meant it was up to me to keep this white wedding from becoming a red wedding.
Did that sound cool? It seemed cool.
I can't do this.
I ate too many taquitos at the reception.
There's no way I'm gonna make it through the ceremony without having to go to the bathroom.
You're gonna have to take my place as best man.
Here.
I ate a lot of taquitos, too.
But a good backup best man always comes prepared.
All right.
I'm so happy for you, Sabrina, but unfortunately my stomach is not.
Are you sure you're okay? I'm fine.
I'll just watch from back here.
Be closer to the facilities.
All right.
Let's do this.
Big girls Don't cry Are you kidding me? Big girls The faster we walk, the sooner he stops.
Don't cry Big girls Don't cry-y-y Burt.
Sorry.
Look at that, Dale.
One day, you're taking them for pony rides and going trick-or-treating Next thing you know, she's responsible for seven homicides that we know of, and wearing a shock collar designed for livestock.
Where does the time go? Hey if she's still wearing that collar, maybe we should hit the button.
Maybe we'll hear her scream.
Huh.
Nothing.
Coast is clear.
Yeah.
Love isn't just an emotion.
It's a taste, touch, smell.
What does love smell like, you might ask? To me, it smells like the burning propane from a hot air balloon as you're floating through the sky on a crisp autumn morning with your best friend, Steve.
What does love taste like? Well, to me You've got the shock power set at one? Oh, yeah, I-I couldn't stand to set it any higher.
She she's my little girl.
She's not my little girl.
Oh, there you are, sweetie.
Oh! Weddings aren't just about the bride and groom.
They also bring families together.
The rings, please.
And while something unexpected usually happens, that's what makes them interesting.
But in the end, all that matters is those two important words.
Help me.
I do.
There's no TV to hit me over the head with this time.
This is God's TV.
Sorry, baby.
I do.
You may now kiss your lovely bride.
We had a few minor issues, like the cake disaster, but for the most part, everything went off without a hitch.
And our gift to them was we let them believe that nonsense.
They never found out about the marriage license fiasco or Reverend Bob refusing to do the wedding.
Yup, we took care of everything.
Mm-hmm.
Even put our lives on the line to save the day.
That might be taking it a little far.
As you can see, Lucy's returned to her childlike state.
She doesn't even remember the wedding.
Just keep her away from us from now on, okay? I mean, no offense, but we're kind of done with the whole Lucy coming back from the dead thing.
It's like every year we think she's gone, and then she comes back in some crazy way.
Messes up our lives again.
It's getting old.
I promise, we'll be out of your lives, uh, forever.
But you do realize we've been being filmed the entire time, so Jimmy and Sabrina are gonna see their wedding video and know that, uh, Lucy's alive.
Oh, man, you're right.
How we gonna fix this? I don't know.
Hear me now? Hear me now? All right, Mom.
That's it.
Thank you so much for this incredible gift.
We're gonna cherish it forever.
I'm sure we're gonna watch it a million times.
And, um, when we do, I want Jimmy to hear this last part.
Jimmy, you always make it seem like you're lucky to have me as your wife, but I'm the lucky one.
I'm lucky to have you and Hope and your entire family in my life, and sometimes I feel like I don't say that to you enough, but it's true.
And when we watch this with our grandkids one day, I want them to know how much you mean to me.
I love you.