Scrubs s03e14 Episode Script

As a doctor, there are certain procedures you just have a gift for.
That feels so good.
Right there.
- Let's have the other foot.
- No! It's just that there's something wrong with my left foot.
You guys would think it's disgusting.
- I'm a doctor.
This has been in people.
- I cut people open.
OK.
I have a huge bunion.
Sean's back in a few weeks.
What am I supposed to do? The obvious answer is to draw Sean's face on it and tell him you grew it because you missed him.
- Or it's a simple surgery.
- We've decided on "bunion face".
- Cut me the hell up.
- Dammit.
Thanks, Nurse Espinosa.
Turk? If I keep my last name after we get married, that's no big deal, right? No, we'll just have one of those modern marriages where the husband and wife don't love each other.
Turk, wait! Turk! - You OK? - All good.
It's Jack's first birthday.
I got a petting zoo for the kids.
We need something for the adults.
How about a Russian roulette booth? And we put bullets in all the chambers, that way everybody wins.
Will there be a piñata? I need to know if I need my helmet.
Zip it.
The only reason we invited you is because you have your own SpongeBob SquarePants costume.
- It was a gift.
- From me to me.
Anyhoo, I'm thinking that probably you shouldn't come.
- Why not? - Because her whole family is in town.
Hi, JD.
What do you say to a girl you dumped three weeks ago? - I destroyed that videotape we made.
- What tape? Danni, if you don't act concerned, no one at America's Funniest Home Videos will think this is real.
- Can we just go home and have sex? - No! Again, from the top.
Now I'll never meet Bob Saget.
Is their brother Ben coming? Yeah.
He always has to make a grand entrance and gets depressed afterwards.
Why's that? Cos he never surprises us.
- Not even a little? - No.
- Thorns! - Bloody.
That's good.
Try and do it with your head in sort of a less jarring position.
- I can't! - That's perfect! Look at me, I'm a prickly pear.
Can I see that for a second? Thanks.
Not a strong moment for you, Polly.
I need to get it started first.
You still doing the whole "kooky guy who brings his camera everywhere" thing? 'Til the day I die.
Is this thing made of Teflon? You know something, you have slept with both of my sisters.
So that means that you and I have something in common.
I have to get going.
- Too weird? - Nah.
What's weird is it's taken my best friend so long to come and see my son.
You get leukaemia and disappear for two years.
What is that about? It went into remission and I wanted to see the world - for all its splendour and glory.
- How'd that go for you? Got some good pictures though.
Here.
Check it out.
Here's me at the Great Wall of China.
This is me at the Pyramids.
And, this When was this? Oh yeah! This was you and me eight seconds ago.
Jordan says while you were on your world leukaemia tour you neglected to visit a single doctor, medicine man, or scary shaman with the giant saucers in his ears.
Ben, turns out cancer's the kind of ailment that you occasionally wanna check up on.
Fine, I'll get the exam.
I tell you what, I missed the hell out of you.
I did.
Thanks, Perry.
You know, I missed you too.
Yes! I am the king of gay chicken.
Oh, God, save me! Elliot, you're gonna have to take off your sock.
If I do, then whenever you look at me, you'll think "giant gross foot".
Like that guard with the hook for the hand.
All anybody thinks when they see him is "big giant afro".
- I do think that.
- You know what? It'd be better if you focus on how you're doing this for Sean.
If there was something about me physically that bothered Carla, I would be excited to fix it for her.
It'd make our relationship better and more - I hate your mole.
- What? You said it was your tickle button.
You made me shave my moustache.
That was before I knew what was under there.
Oh, damn, a brother finally can breathe! Hello, there.
You wanna quit? Then quit! But you, sir, are a worthless peon, and you always will be a worthless peon.
Sir, you know my band The Worthless Peons? Chris from Shipping and Receiving wants to go solo.
We lose him, we lose our sex appeal.
He's the only one with hair.
What do you think I should do? You know my rule about personal problems.
I'm not interested unless it involves my loved ones, or possibly my wife.
Do lawyer stuff to that.
Let me powder my head first.
Should I be worried about the old ticker? Mr Taylor, let me worry about that for you.
Oh, my God! He's gonna die! Newbie, perfect timing.
I have to run $150 down to the police station because Mr Jinky, the Juggler who Jordan just has to have for Jack's birthday party just got a DUI.
Only me.
Your new job is to take young Ben here by the hand and run every haematological screening test we have.
I can't.
I'm covering for Doug.
He's on a his-and-her spa day with his mom.
- What? - Don't ask.
I'm swamped.
And I'm a little worried about Mr Taylor here.
I can't figure out his irregular heartbeat.
I already looked at his EKG and he's not gonna die in the next 30 minutes.
Now, go! Hey, JD, my sister Danni is more of a gentle kisser, don't you think? But I find Jordan is a little bit more along the lines of teeth and tongue - Will you please stop it? - Fangs.
This guy is supposed to be a great plastic surgeon.
OK.
So Who wants what bigger or smaller? My fiancé would like to have his mole removed.
That? That's cute.
It's like a tickle button.
No, it's not.
It needs to go away.
I'll scrape it away and cover it with skin from the back of your upper thigh.
- You'd be a butt face.
- That'd be a funny nickname.
No, it wouldn't.
How long does it take to fill a bottle with pills? I'm sorry, madam.
I hope we didn't wake you.
It's just that I have 50 patients and I - That's a code.
- I'm gonna get out of this mole thing.
- Whatever, butt-face.
- Uncool.
Sir, I think I figured out how my problem affects one of your loved ones.
- It affects me? - Swing and a miss.
Thank God you're here.
I need someone to talk to.
Usually I'd talk to Dr Cox but he's doing stuff.
There's Laverne, but I'm kind of her boss and I avoid getting personal with staff members - who work below me.
- As do I.
It's just that I told Turk I didn't like his mole and I feel guilty now.
You've seen it.
I mean, you can't avoid it.
Dr Cox, I lost a band member, so we're not going to be able to perform at your son's party.
Ted, even though I never asked you to, that is still just terrific news.
That hurt here and here.
Dr Cox? What's the matter? You look like Maybelline just went belly up.
he went into cardiac arrest.
We tried to resuscitate him, but there was nothing we could do.
I'm sorry.
- Wow, man, bummer.
- This shouldn't have happened.
Guilt's a funny thing.
It can lead to denial.
- The kid screwed up.
- No, he didn't.
He told you he has too many patients.
He's swamped.
The kid screwed up.
OK.
Darn kid! And guilt can lead to compromise.
Turk is doing this sweet thing for me, and Men's room.
I just wish there was something I could do for him.
You know what, sweetie? I'm fine with getting rid of this mole but you gotta be willing to take my last name when we get married.
That's perfect.
Of course I will.
And there she goes, Mrs Carla Butt-face.
Dammit.
As a doctor, you're around death so much, you get used to the guilt and you keep it from affecting your personal relationships.
- Brace yourself.
- What are you doing here? - I'm on call tonight.
- Not anymore.
- I'm taking all your patients.
- Wait, you think this was my fault? This is an emotional situation.
Go easy on the kid.
It was your fault.
Now get the hell out.
- Well, that was good listening.
- Thank you.
I got it.
- All the best.
- Thanks, man.
Nothing says "good morning" like a drunken human alarm clock.
You've been here for 60 straight hours.
You need to go home.
You know what I need? I need people to stop telling me what I should do.
- Fine.
- You know what you should do? - Why are you here? - Dr Cox.
Can I talk to you? Hey, Val, you know what's funny? Ever since I started taking care of your patients, not one of them has died.
Look, you wanna be mad at me, that's fine.
I get it.
Jordan called.
She wants to make sure you show later.
Right, put us down for Ben plus one.
I'm not going anywhere, so beat it.
- I don't want to do this.
- No one's gonna call you names.
- I know, but - Face! - Butt-face.
- Listen, my butt is fabulous.
A slice of that here, that's just me spreading the wealth.
But my mole is part of me and you need to convince Carla to get me out of this.
I can't, I got things to do.
Like what? Dr Cox took all your patients.
- Gin.
- Dammit.
Nice hand.
I meant the cards.
I gotta win my money back from Leonard.
You know, the guy with the giant afro.
- I'll talk to her for you.
- Thank you.
I hate her for doing this to me.
I hate him for doing this to me.
I don't think he understands that "Espinosa" is more than a name to me.
It's my heritage.
It's also a candy bar in Ecuador.
But mostly it's my heritage.
I just don't wanna do this, Dr Kelso, but I already agreed.
What should I do? Nurse Snickers, until now you've been white noise.
But as you've forced me to respond, let me tell you a couple of things that only a few people know.
I haven't paid my country club dues since '97, but I still tee off every Wednesday at 8:15 and take a bare ass steam when the last putt drops.
But, more importantly, I really don't care about any of you or your problems, and you can confirm that with Ted.
Don't those Espinosas have nougat? - Can we go now? - No.
I don't attend parties where the guest of honour has no idea what's going on.
Not true.
When you and Jordan first got married, we went to senile Grandpa Morty's He tried to get the coat check girl thrown out cos she was loyal to the Kaiser.
I appreciate your concern, but you don't understand.
What don't I understand? See all these people here? This is not a senior citizen slumber party.
If it was, I'd already put Mr Fordham's hand in a bowl of warm water, but God bless him, he's gonna go ahead and wet the bed anyway.
My, my point is, that if I'm not here, people die.
"If I'm not here people die.
" Come on! Look, why don't you just let me take this little mental breakdown of yours and I'm gonna put it right here in my pocket and then you can piss off for the afternoon and can let one of the other 9,000 doctors take care of things.
You haven't noticed that my supporting cast in this Theatre of Hell is a veritable who's who of incompetent puppets? So sorry to bother you Dr Cox, but I have searched high and low for Carla and it's like she has gone "poof' and disappeared into thin air.
- Have you seen her? - No - No, I haven't seen her.
- Well, if you do, page me.
Ben, outstanding commitment.
Thanks.
So, can we go now? Provided that gets you off my back.
One more thing.
Come on! You gotta forgive him.
What? They're my shower shorts.
- Thanks for helping me look for Carla.
- No problem.
I'll check the dumpster.
We're not looking for dead Carla.
Attagirl, you stay optimistic.
Sorry, sir.
It's been an emotional couple of days.
I'm just here to get a nasal speculum.
I just wish I didn't hate that mole so much.
I used one of these on my wife once.
She's a terrible snorer.
She used to keep me up all night.
I made her have surgery but that just made things worse.
But here's the twist.
Now, whenever she goes out of town, I can't fall asleep without the sound of that gasping, wheezing woman lying right next to me.
Trust me, if I ever met a Japan Air stewardess who snored like Enid, I'd marry her tomorrow.
But here's the point.
You might find out that thing you hate so much is the very same thing you miss when it's gone.
Thank you, sir.
I'm gonna get right to it.
You tell Carla my mole's inoperable, I will pay you ten thousand dollars.
Turk! I don't want you to do this.
- The mole's inoperable.
- Deal's off.
- Turk, I couldn't find her.
- Don't sweat it.
See ya! Great! An open surgery slot just going to waste.
Not necessarily.
Look at this.
Those are ridiculous.
You're right.
I was an idiot to buy these shower shorts.
I mean, it's not like they come with a complimentary shower wallet.
Look, I just wanted to say that what happened, it wasn't your fault - and I'm sorry.
- Thanks.
- I really needed to hear that.
- Good.
Come on, let's get dressed and go.
- Shower shorts? - For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.
Acceptance can take a lot of different forms.
Whether it's accepting it's OK to show your soft side once in a while Well, it's official, Chris left the band.
You know what I think? Good riddance to him.
You'll find another tenor.
Thank you, sir.
And if you don't, who cares? You all stink anyway.
or accepting someone you love just the way they are Can you tie my tie, Mrs Espinosa? Answer him! You just kissed my mole.
- How come you're not dressed up? - You see any holes in these pants? - No.
- I'm glad you made it.
There's one more thing you have to do for me.
You can't keep me from getting drunk.
Forgive yourself for what went down the other day.
- God, you're, you're so annoying.
- Yeah.
- OK.
- Good.
Where's your camera? Aren't you gonna take some pictures? - Pictures of what? - Crying babies covered in chocolate.
People singing happy birthday to my son who've never met him before.
The whole routine.
Where do you think we are? In the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be with the help of those around you, you'll get through this, too.