Taxi (1978) s03e14 Episode Script
Louie's Mother
Hey, Elaine, it still raining out? No.
They opened a fire hydrant, and I've been playing in it.
Oh.
Avast, you lubbers! What a beautiful day it is.
It's coming down buckets out there.
The weatherman said it's going to last all day long, ha-ha! You like the rain, boss? I love the rain, Iggy! You know why I love the rain? No, boss.
Why, boss, why? I love the rain because when it rains nobody walks.
What is it I always say? What happens when it showers? ( drivers grumbling ) Come on.
Come on.
What happens when it showers? ALL: Big bookings are ours.
And what happens when it rains? ALL: Monetary gains.
This is fun.
What happens when it drizzles? Shut up, Ignatowski.
What an ear for poetry that man has.
All right, I've got an announcement to make here.
All right, attention.
Listen up, here.
I have a personal announcement to make.
I put my mother in a rest home so I am having a lavish party at my now bachelor pad and none of you cab drivers are invited.
Oh, you're breaking our hearts, Lou.
I'm really sorry that none of you can make it.
What time should I be there, Louie? Any time you want, Latka.
As soon as you get there I'm throwing your foreign butt down the stairs.
Well, in that case, I might be a little late.
I can't believe it, Louie.
I just can't believe you would celebrate putting your mother in a home.
Hey, Rieger, it's not easy living with your mother all these years.
There's no privacy and every day it's the same thing-- "Louie, eat your dinner.
" "Louie, turn down the television.
" "Louie, don't use the doilies to clean the beer off your chin.
" So what kind of rest home is your mom in? Got me.
You mean you didn't even take her there? Well, I-I-I took her there.
Not right to the door, I mean.
You mean you didn't go in and check the place out? What the hell do I look like, Mike Wallace? I mean, what's the big deal? It's a rest home.
( belches ) All right, all right, now why don't you consumer advocates line up for your cab assignments.
( grumbling ) There's a city full of mildewing people out there just dying to snuggle up next to you.
Banta, 599.
Rieger Okay, Lou.
Say sevenish? What are you talking about? You know, the-the party.
Dress nice.
What on earth would make me go to a party of yours? Hold it.
The way I figure it, Rieger, you're the only guy in this garage who won't embarrass me in front of my friends.
Oh.
And-- let me tell you this-- this is going to be a bash.
Huh? I'm talking about wild.
Let me give you a little tip.
Make sure you don't have any holes in your shorts, if you know what I mean.
You know something, Lou? I can't believe this, but I'm actually tempted to go to that party.
Mmm I mean, I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's sort of a nagging curiosity in me.
You know that kind of morbid curiosity when you pass a car wreck, you just got to slow down.
Or when you have a sore in your mouth you put your tongue against it so you know it hurts.
Or when you have a container of milk that you know has gone sour.
You just got to smell it before you throw it away.
I can't wait either.
All right.
Here's another one, here's another one.
Orson Welles's necktie.
( door bell buzzes ) Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Oh, it's not the cops.
Hi, Alex.
Hi, Louie.
All right, keep it down, guys.
I got an introduction to make.
Alex, this is Lyle, Huey, and Daytona Dave.
Have a seat, Alex.
I'll get you a brew.
What did I miss? No, no.
You leave the room, you got to pay the price.
Boy, the stories were just flying around here a minute ago.
Hey, Lyle, tell Alex the one about how you woke up in the morning and your gums were bleeding.
No, no, no, that's okay.
That's okay.
Don't be repetitious on my account.
So how did, uh you guys ever get together? You know you know how a crowd always gathers around on the street to watch when some guy's had a heart attack? We were the last ones to leave.
The ties that bind.
Hors d'oeuvres? Thank you.
Got to go.
Where you going? We got another party.
Well, listen, I hope they have a couch.
Come on, guys.
The evening's young.
It's the shank of the evening.
It's only 7:30.
Well, if you insist.
Thanks for dropping by.
We ought to do this more often.
Keep smiling.
Boy! What an evening! Oh, gosh, it's great to know guys you can get silly with like that.
I'm probably not going to remember any of this in the morning.
Are they the only ones that showed up, Lou? Well, uh I thought a few more people would come, but um Hey, I know what we need here.
A little music.
Ma's got a ton of records over here.
No, thanks, Lou.
You feel like a little Jerry Vale? Uh, no.
Thanks, Lou.
I've been listening to him all day.
Well, look, Lou, I really got to go.
So soon? Yeah.
Come on, stick around for a little bite to eat.
No, that's all right.
Come on.
Here.
Here, I'll heat it up.
No, thanks, Lou.
I'd really better shove off.
How about a little TV? Come on.
No, no Louie, I don't I don't really want to watch TV.
You don't like being here alone, do you, Louie? What, are you kidding? I've been waiting for this all my life, Rieger.
I love being alone.
Louie you miss your mother, don't you? Get off it, Rieger.
I don't miss her.
I think about her a lot.
Who wouldn't think about her with all the junk she left around here? Look at this stuff.
Geez! Look.
This stupid tea cup.
( tenderly ): Her little shawl.
She left her little shoes here.
Look at her little shoes, Alex.
No, no.
One shoe.
Come on.
No.
I'm really sorry I brought her up, Lou.
Yeah.
Well, you're right.
I've been trying to hide it but I admit it.
I miss her.
I wish she was here.
Why don't you call her up? Tell her to come home.
No, no, no.
You don't understand.
I lied about that, too.
It was her idea to leave.
Oh.
We had that same old argument we always have.
She burned my dinner.
I called her a name, she called me a name and then I hid her teeth.
You hid her teeth? Yeah.
Next thing I know she's walking out the door saying, ( lisps: ) "So long.
" She never left me before.
If anybody's going to do any calling it's going to be her because a man never begs.
Ma taught me that.
( playing off-key ) I lost ma.
( plays wrong notes ) Look, Lou, I was thinking about stopping off at Mario's on the way home for a nightcap.
You want to come along? Look, Rieger, I don't want your pity.
If you're inviting me out like a guy invites his buddy for a drink, that's okay, but if you're doing this out of pity, well, let's forget it.
It's pity, Lou.
Well, a beer's a beer.
Aw, Louie you look terrible.
What are you staring at? Get your stupid eyes off me.
Hey, Lou you okay? What, are you kidding, Rieger? I'm on top of the world, sitting on a rainbow.
You been, uh, spending a lot of time with those friends of yours lately? No.
Lyle shot Huey.
He shot him? Yeah.
It was an accident.
He just wounded him.
Oh.
Six times.
Must put a strain on their friendship.
Come on, Rieger, leave me alone, huh? All right.
All right.
Hi, Latka.
Louie.
Yeah? It is ten minutes past the hour.
I know.
But that means I am late.
Yeah.
Louie yesterday I snuck out early.
Oh? Also, I figured out a way of getting coffee from the machine without paying money.
Louie, are you listening to me? Hey, uh, a nice suit you're wearing.
Maybe it will come back in style.
Is, is, is that a nose, your nose or are you sucking on the banana? I don't want to say you're ugly, but you know Don't press your luck, Latka.
Okay, Louie.
I'm sorry.
Boy, I was cooking.
Louie's in bad shape.
Listen, you guys, you know, uh his mother is the only friend he has.
( crying softly ) Hey, what do you guys say that we invite him for a game of cards? Are you nuts? Come on, Bobby, it will help him take his mind off his mother.
I don't want to.
Come on.
Come on, it wouldn't even hurt to just invite him this once.
Okay, okay.
You guys can do what you want, but I'm playing this game under protest.
Hey, Lou Hey, Louie, how would you like to come over and have a game of cards with us, huh? ( crying ) You want me to play cards with you? Yeah, yeah.
Look, we're kind of worried about you, Lou, so, uh, come on.
All right.
Sure.
Sure, I'll join you.
Okay.
Look, Lou, do me a favor, would you, and don't mention anything about your mother, okay? Okay.
She's forgotten.
Come on.
Leave the shoe here, Lou.
All right.
Jeff, you watch the cage for me here.
I'm going to go play cards with the guys.
I was invited.
That's nice, Lou.
Come on, Louie.
And keep your eye on the shoe.
Okay.
I was invited to play cards with the guys.
Congratulations, boss.
ALEX: Come on, Lou.
TONY: Come on, Lou.
Right here, baby.
Best seat, right there.
Five card draw is the game.
Ooh, I love five card draw.
That's my favorite game.
This is going to be fun.
Yeah, that's right.
Jacks or better now.
BOBBY: Okay.
Ante up, everybody-- a nickel.
Oh, good, Bob.
Oh! I open for a nickel.
All right, I'll see that.
Oh, excuse me, Lou.
I just want to get a cup of coffee.
All right, Alex.
Okay, I see your nickel, and I raise you a nickel.
Ooh! This is exciting! I have to get out.
Boy, that's it.
Well, I see you Oh, good.
All right.
Well, I'm in with you.
Okay.
Where are we? Uh, a nickel to you, Alex.
Who raised Louie? Who raised Louie? Ma raised Louie.
That's it.
( sobbing: ) Ma raised me.
Louie, I want to talk to you.
Louie, I want to talk to you.
Louie, you're becoming a sniveling, weepy obnoxious boob and I'm getting sick of it.
Do you hear me? Now, look, if you want your mother, go and get your mother, but don't just stand there! Louie, Louie, come here.
Come here.
I want to show you I want to show you something.
Come here.
I want to show you yourself.
Look in that mirror.
Look at that.
That's you.
Is that me? Yeah, that's you! I'm a boob! That's not me.
That's not the way I handle things.
Oh, yes, it is.
( growling ) That's me.
That's me.
I'm going to do it.
I'm gonna stand on my feet and fight.
All right.
Get ready, world.
Louie De Palma is back.
Latka, I'm docking you a week's pay.
And nobody ever ask me to play cards again.
Louie De Palma does not play cards with losers.
And, Rieger the next time you lay a hand on me, you're history.
Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to get my mommy.
Ma, it's me, Louie.
MA: Louie? Yeah.
Ma yeah, I come to take you home.
Look, come on.
Hey, I'm fed up with this nonsense.
You don't belong here.
You belong home with me.
Now come on, open this door.
Open it up or I'm going to break it down.
( Ma speaking Italian ) Oh, yeah? Well, hum a few bars of this, crazy lady.
What's the matter with you? You never seen a man visiting his mother before? Get out of here.
Come on, look.
All right, let's talk this over.
I mean, what's the big deal about the fight we had? I mean, we always fight.
( speaking Italian ) Called you a bad name? What bad name did I call you? ( recites list of names in Italian ) It slipped out.
Look look, Ma, come on home.
Come on.
I promise we won't fight anymore.
Ma, when you're not there, it's so quiet I can hear the toilet running.
I'm sorry for getting mushy.
( speaking Italian ) Aw, Ma, what are you talking about I should get married? I'm not ready to get married.
Besides, who would want to marry me? Elaine Nardo.
Well, I, I know I told you that she's nuts about me, but but she's a little overeager.
Well, Susan Anton.
You know, well, I haven't closed that door yet.
What am I talking about here? Ma, I got to be honest with you here.
All those women I'm always telling you about that are after me I'm making that up, Ma.
I'm a lonely man, Ma.
I need you there.
( speaking Italian ) If I come home, will you be nice to me? For a while.
Okay, Louie, I'll go home.
( coughing ) All right, all right, all right.
Come on, come on.
Ma, you shouldn't be carrying that suitcase with your bad hand.
Here.
Come on, Ma.
( theme music playing ) WOMAN: Night, Mr.
Walters.
( grunts )
They opened a fire hydrant, and I've been playing in it.
Oh.
Avast, you lubbers! What a beautiful day it is.
It's coming down buckets out there.
The weatherman said it's going to last all day long, ha-ha! You like the rain, boss? I love the rain, Iggy! You know why I love the rain? No, boss.
Why, boss, why? I love the rain because when it rains nobody walks.
What is it I always say? What happens when it showers? ( drivers grumbling ) Come on.
Come on.
What happens when it showers? ALL: Big bookings are ours.
And what happens when it rains? ALL: Monetary gains.
This is fun.
What happens when it drizzles? Shut up, Ignatowski.
What an ear for poetry that man has.
All right, I've got an announcement to make here.
All right, attention.
Listen up, here.
I have a personal announcement to make.
I put my mother in a rest home so I am having a lavish party at my now bachelor pad and none of you cab drivers are invited.
Oh, you're breaking our hearts, Lou.
I'm really sorry that none of you can make it.
What time should I be there, Louie? Any time you want, Latka.
As soon as you get there I'm throwing your foreign butt down the stairs.
Well, in that case, I might be a little late.
I can't believe it, Louie.
I just can't believe you would celebrate putting your mother in a home.
Hey, Rieger, it's not easy living with your mother all these years.
There's no privacy and every day it's the same thing-- "Louie, eat your dinner.
" "Louie, turn down the television.
" "Louie, don't use the doilies to clean the beer off your chin.
" So what kind of rest home is your mom in? Got me.
You mean you didn't even take her there? Well, I-I-I took her there.
Not right to the door, I mean.
You mean you didn't go in and check the place out? What the hell do I look like, Mike Wallace? I mean, what's the big deal? It's a rest home.
( belches ) All right, all right, now why don't you consumer advocates line up for your cab assignments.
( grumbling ) There's a city full of mildewing people out there just dying to snuggle up next to you.
Banta, 599.
Rieger Okay, Lou.
Say sevenish? What are you talking about? You know, the-the party.
Dress nice.
What on earth would make me go to a party of yours? Hold it.
The way I figure it, Rieger, you're the only guy in this garage who won't embarrass me in front of my friends.
Oh.
And-- let me tell you this-- this is going to be a bash.
Huh? I'm talking about wild.
Let me give you a little tip.
Make sure you don't have any holes in your shorts, if you know what I mean.
You know something, Lou? I can't believe this, but I'm actually tempted to go to that party.
Mmm I mean, I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's sort of a nagging curiosity in me.
You know that kind of morbid curiosity when you pass a car wreck, you just got to slow down.
Or when you have a sore in your mouth you put your tongue against it so you know it hurts.
Or when you have a container of milk that you know has gone sour.
You just got to smell it before you throw it away.
I can't wait either.
All right.
Here's another one, here's another one.
Orson Welles's necktie.
( door bell buzzes ) Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Oh, it's not the cops.
Hi, Alex.
Hi, Louie.
All right, keep it down, guys.
I got an introduction to make.
Alex, this is Lyle, Huey, and Daytona Dave.
Have a seat, Alex.
I'll get you a brew.
What did I miss? No, no.
You leave the room, you got to pay the price.
Boy, the stories were just flying around here a minute ago.
Hey, Lyle, tell Alex the one about how you woke up in the morning and your gums were bleeding.
No, no, no, that's okay.
That's okay.
Don't be repetitious on my account.
So how did, uh you guys ever get together? You know you know how a crowd always gathers around on the street to watch when some guy's had a heart attack? We were the last ones to leave.
The ties that bind.
Hors d'oeuvres? Thank you.
Got to go.
Where you going? We got another party.
Well, listen, I hope they have a couch.
Come on, guys.
The evening's young.
It's the shank of the evening.
It's only 7:30.
Well, if you insist.
Thanks for dropping by.
We ought to do this more often.
Keep smiling.
Boy! What an evening! Oh, gosh, it's great to know guys you can get silly with like that.
I'm probably not going to remember any of this in the morning.
Are they the only ones that showed up, Lou? Well, uh I thought a few more people would come, but um Hey, I know what we need here.
A little music.
Ma's got a ton of records over here.
No, thanks, Lou.
You feel like a little Jerry Vale? Uh, no.
Thanks, Lou.
I've been listening to him all day.
Well, look, Lou, I really got to go.
So soon? Yeah.
Come on, stick around for a little bite to eat.
No, that's all right.
Come on.
Here.
Here, I'll heat it up.
No, thanks, Lou.
I'd really better shove off.
How about a little TV? Come on.
No, no Louie, I don't I don't really want to watch TV.
You don't like being here alone, do you, Louie? What, are you kidding? I've been waiting for this all my life, Rieger.
I love being alone.
Louie you miss your mother, don't you? Get off it, Rieger.
I don't miss her.
I think about her a lot.
Who wouldn't think about her with all the junk she left around here? Look at this stuff.
Geez! Look.
This stupid tea cup.
( tenderly ): Her little shawl.
She left her little shoes here.
Look at her little shoes, Alex.
No, no.
One shoe.
Come on.
No.
I'm really sorry I brought her up, Lou.
Yeah.
Well, you're right.
I've been trying to hide it but I admit it.
I miss her.
I wish she was here.
Why don't you call her up? Tell her to come home.
No, no, no.
You don't understand.
I lied about that, too.
It was her idea to leave.
Oh.
We had that same old argument we always have.
She burned my dinner.
I called her a name, she called me a name and then I hid her teeth.
You hid her teeth? Yeah.
Next thing I know she's walking out the door saying, ( lisps: ) "So long.
" She never left me before.
If anybody's going to do any calling it's going to be her because a man never begs.
Ma taught me that.
( playing off-key ) I lost ma.
( plays wrong notes ) Look, Lou, I was thinking about stopping off at Mario's on the way home for a nightcap.
You want to come along? Look, Rieger, I don't want your pity.
If you're inviting me out like a guy invites his buddy for a drink, that's okay, but if you're doing this out of pity, well, let's forget it.
It's pity, Lou.
Well, a beer's a beer.
Aw, Louie you look terrible.
What are you staring at? Get your stupid eyes off me.
Hey, Lou you okay? What, are you kidding, Rieger? I'm on top of the world, sitting on a rainbow.
You been, uh, spending a lot of time with those friends of yours lately? No.
Lyle shot Huey.
He shot him? Yeah.
It was an accident.
He just wounded him.
Oh.
Six times.
Must put a strain on their friendship.
Come on, Rieger, leave me alone, huh? All right.
All right.
Hi, Latka.
Louie.
Yeah? It is ten minutes past the hour.
I know.
But that means I am late.
Yeah.
Louie yesterday I snuck out early.
Oh? Also, I figured out a way of getting coffee from the machine without paying money.
Louie, are you listening to me? Hey, uh, a nice suit you're wearing.
Maybe it will come back in style.
Is, is, is that a nose, your nose or are you sucking on the banana? I don't want to say you're ugly, but you know Don't press your luck, Latka.
Okay, Louie.
I'm sorry.
Boy, I was cooking.
Louie's in bad shape.
Listen, you guys, you know, uh his mother is the only friend he has.
( crying softly ) Hey, what do you guys say that we invite him for a game of cards? Are you nuts? Come on, Bobby, it will help him take his mind off his mother.
I don't want to.
Come on.
Come on, it wouldn't even hurt to just invite him this once.
Okay, okay.
You guys can do what you want, but I'm playing this game under protest.
Hey, Lou Hey, Louie, how would you like to come over and have a game of cards with us, huh? ( crying ) You want me to play cards with you? Yeah, yeah.
Look, we're kind of worried about you, Lou, so, uh, come on.
All right.
Sure.
Sure, I'll join you.
Okay.
Look, Lou, do me a favor, would you, and don't mention anything about your mother, okay? Okay.
She's forgotten.
Come on.
Leave the shoe here, Lou.
All right.
Jeff, you watch the cage for me here.
I'm going to go play cards with the guys.
I was invited.
That's nice, Lou.
Come on, Louie.
And keep your eye on the shoe.
Okay.
I was invited to play cards with the guys.
Congratulations, boss.
ALEX: Come on, Lou.
TONY: Come on, Lou.
Right here, baby.
Best seat, right there.
Five card draw is the game.
Ooh, I love five card draw.
That's my favorite game.
This is going to be fun.
Yeah, that's right.
Jacks or better now.
BOBBY: Okay.
Ante up, everybody-- a nickel.
Oh, good, Bob.
Oh! I open for a nickel.
All right, I'll see that.
Oh, excuse me, Lou.
I just want to get a cup of coffee.
All right, Alex.
Okay, I see your nickel, and I raise you a nickel.
Ooh! This is exciting! I have to get out.
Boy, that's it.
Well, I see you Oh, good.
All right.
Well, I'm in with you.
Okay.
Where are we? Uh, a nickel to you, Alex.
Who raised Louie? Who raised Louie? Ma raised Louie.
That's it.
( sobbing: ) Ma raised me.
Louie, I want to talk to you.
Louie, I want to talk to you.
Louie, you're becoming a sniveling, weepy obnoxious boob and I'm getting sick of it.
Do you hear me? Now, look, if you want your mother, go and get your mother, but don't just stand there! Louie, Louie, come here.
Come here.
I want to show you I want to show you something.
Come here.
I want to show you yourself.
Look in that mirror.
Look at that.
That's you.
Is that me? Yeah, that's you! I'm a boob! That's not me.
That's not the way I handle things.
Oh, yes, it is.
( growling ) That's me.
That's me.
I'm going to do it.
I'm gonna stand on my feet and fight.
All right.
Get ready, world.
Louie De Palma is back.
Latka, I'm docking you a week's pay.
And nobody ever ask me to play cards again.
Louie De Palma does not play cards with losers.
And, Rieger the next time you lay a hand on me, you're history.
Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to get my mommy.
Ma, it's me, Louie.
MA: Louie? Yeah.
Ma yeah, I come to take you home.
Look, come on.
Hey, I'm fed up with this nonsense.
You don't belong here.
You belong home with me.
Now come on, open this door.
Open it up or I'm going to break it down.
( Ma speaking Italian ) Oh, yeah? Well, hum a few bars of this, crazy lady.
What's the matter with you? You never seen a man visiting his mother before? Get out of here.
Come on, look.
All right, let's talk this over.
I mean, what's the big deal about the fight we had? I mean, we always fight.
( speaking Italian ) Called you a bad name? What bad name did I call you? ( recites list of names in Italian ) It slipped out.
Look look, Ma, come on home.
Come on.
I promise we won't fight anymore.
Ma, when you're not there, it's so quiet I can hear the toilet running.
I'm sorry for getting mushy.
( speaking Italian ) Aw, Ma, what are you talking about I should get married? I'm not ready to get married.
Besides, who would want to marry me? Elaine Nardo.
Well, I, I know I told you that she's nuts about me, but but she's a little overeager.
Well, Susan Anton.
You know, well, I haven't closed that door yet.
What am I talking about here? Ma, I got to be honest with you here.
All those women I'm always telling you about that are after me I'm making that up, Ma.
I'm a lonely man, Ma.
I need you there.
( speaking Italian ) If I come home, will you be nice to me? For a while.
Okay, Louie, I'll go home.
( coughing ) All right, all right, all right.
Come on, come on.
Ma, you shouldn't be carrying that suitcase with your bad hand.
Here.
Come on, Ma.
( theme music playing ) WOMAN: Night, Mr.
Walters.
( grunts )