The Cleveland Show s03e14 Episode Script

My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
We now return to Projects Runway.
All right, designers.
I'm David Hyde Pierce's father, Tim Gunn.
For today's challenge, you have $50 to Ouchies.
Really, B.
E.
T.
? Uh-uh! Get your butt out that chair! That seat's for my dad.
He asked if he could come over and watch March Madness with me.
You know what this means, Rallo? What? Why are you saying it like that? Just tell me.
Well, all right.
We're going to bond as father and son.
Oh! That's not what I thought you were gonna say! That's good! You've been waiting for that for a long time.
Man, good luck! From one neglected son to another, go with God.
Hey, y'all hear Cleveland's bonding with his dad?! Rallo can be all right sometimes.
I'm pretty happy where I'm seated in this tournament, right next to my dad.
Good game, huh? Great game.
Hey, check it out, I paid extra for the package that just lets you hear the shoes squeaking.
How much is the package that has no you? Zing! Ha, ha! This is fun, I'm having fun, we're having fun.
Hey, looks like you're getting low on ice.
I bought this just for the game! I thought you'd like it! Do you like me, it, Dad?! Dad?! Dad!? I don't want ice in my beer, Tubby! I ain't no white dude on a plane.
Kansas versus Wofford College.
Wofford's gonna win.
I doubt that, Tubby Jr.
A 16 seed's never beaten a number one.
Guess you taught your son everything you know about sports.
And in a history-making upset, Wofford obliterates Kansas, How the hell did you know that? Easy.
I just thought about which team's mascot would win in a fight.
Wofford's Terrier against Kansas's Jayhawk? That dog would rip the head off some stupid bird.
You knew Wofford College's mascot? I know all of them! I've been memorizing the Internet.
Okay, let's test out your system.
Michigan versus U.
C.
Irvine, who won? Uh, last time I checked, a wolverine was tougher than an anteater.
Michigan, silly.
Damn! That's two for two.
Come on, Junior, we got to go talk to my bookie.
Okay, but first I'll talk to my forkie.
Hey, Forkie.
Hey, Junior.
Are you having a nice tine? Hey, that's racist! I know.
What you gonna do about it? But, Dad, what about our bonding? Bonding? Look, man, I came because you got a big TV, free food, and a cushioned toilet seat that when you sit on it goes, "pssssshhh" Roberta, I'm baking my March Madness Hoopsberry pie.
Can you run to the store and pick me up some orange frosting? Just put some food coloring in the vanilla, bitch.
Roberta! Oh, Mama! I thought you were Junior.
He asked me for orange frosting eight times today.
I'll go get it, Mom.
No problem.
Oh.
Well, thank you, Rallo.
I need it quick, so don't be a wimp about cutting through that dark alley.
All right! Okay, who do I take, Notre Dame or Illinois? Hmm.
The Fighting Irish versus the Fighting Illini This is a toughie because they're both drunk as hell.
Take the Illini.
This is the part of the job I love.
Congratulations.
All right Clemson versus Texas? Well, Clemson's got the Tiger and Texas is the Longhorn.
Now, assuming, of course, they're battling on the spiked Platform of Death from Flash Gordon.
The Longhorn, notorious for its poor sense of balance, would fall off the platform and die.
That's sad.
I'd give it to Clemson.
And I'd take the points.
I think your new TV's even bigger than my Dad's! Check out the remote control.
Two, four, seven Got 'em all.
Junior, life don't stink.
You funny.
You like a black Mork.
Nanu-nanu! Look, cocaine! Rallo, where'd you get that money? Every time you refuse to run an errand for Mama, she sends me.
And not once has she asked for the change.
So I've been saving up.
Even started clipping coupons to increase my profit margin.
Yeah, but how much could you Gonna buy me a '67 Mustang.
You're five.
You can't buy a car.
Just did.
Now I'm gonna try to see a naked lady.
Ah, it says you have to be 18.
No way! Where did you get him?! Oh! Is his name Charlie? Come here, Charlie.
Come here.
No, his name's not Charlie.
What is it?! Larry the Monkey.
Grandpa Freight Train bought him for me with some of his basketball winnings.
Come on, Larry the Monkey, let's get to know each other before you inevitably rip my face and privates off.
That poor boy.
I've seen this too many times before.
Good old Freight Train's your best friend as long as he needs you to pick winners or help him move Or pose as his young wife at his high school reunion.
I repeatedly asked you not to do that.
He bought me a piece of salmon fish! Wow! Hey, Donna.
I'm here to pick up Junior.
Over my dead body! Holy Don't worry, it's a stage rig.
Borrowed it from the community theater.
But my point is, I am not letting you gamble with Junior anymore.
What?! March Madness ended two weeks ago.
Junior and I aren't gambling anymore.
Sure, I might've been using him at first, but it turns out, I just like the kid.
Makes me feel young.
One, two three.
Soul plane! You're not gonna kiss me, are you? And the guys at the office loved him.
They agreed that he You took him to your office? You work at an office? You've never taken me to your office! I've got the heart of a 60-year-old, and now the hobby of one.
Let's hit the links! Hey, I got you something.
Check it.
A Chewbacca golf club cover? Nuh-uh! Well, who better to help you drive than the co-pilot of the Millennium Falcon from the Wookiee planet Kashyyk? Taught you well, I have, Train Freight.
Okay, this is ridiculous! I tried to show you Star Wars in 1978, and you called me a "space 'mo.
" Yeah.
Well, we golfin'.
Catch you later, Jabba the Gut.
Oh! But Junior's tubbier than me! Calling your own son fat.
Mm, mm, mm.
Cleveland Brown, audio journal.
I'm here finally to make peace with my father.
Also, pockets in socks.
Sock pockets.
Remember the sock pockets! Remember the sock pockets! What do you want, Stinky? "Father "Padre, Papa "all different words that mean 'Dad.
' "All I've ever wanted "is to make you happy and proud, "but you've always been so distant and cruel to me.
Please stop crying, Father.
" Oh, come on! That's the kind of thing I'm talking about! Why don't you like me?! Why?! Aah! Look, we don't get along, that's all.
But why?! Give me a reason.
You want to know why?! 'Cause you couldn't find a flag in a pancake! What's that now? The flag in the pancake! When we went on Dare Squared, remember? Okay, it's time for the obstacle course.
If the red team can find all the flags before time runs out, they're gonna win a trip to Orlando-- the theme park, boy band and child molester capital of the world! Oh boy, Dad, here we go! Let's do this, son! On your mark, get set, go! Cookie's got the first challenge.
It's called Happy Birthday.
Go, go, go! Yeah, yeah! Flag number one, and it's Freight Train's turn in the Royal Flush.
I'm number one, but I'm going down like number two! Okay, only one more flag, and they are going to Orlando.
Cleveland just has to find it in Flapjack Attack.
Should be plenty of time.
Can he find it? I can't Where's the Flag in the flapjacks.
The only bright orange thing in there.
Come on! Under the butter! It's under the butter! Come on! It is, in fact, under the butter.
We are all seeing it.
It's right there! It's right there! Dare Squared of course! So that's why I can't eat pancakes except in the morning or occasionally other times of day.
That was when everything in my life went to crap.
My work buddies at Google-- not the one you're thinking of, we made eyes for puppets-- they started making fun of me, so I stopped going to work, and I got fired.
The next day, I got bit by a skunk and caught rabus.
And then, unemployed and foaming at the mouth, I cheated on your poor, poor mother for the first time.
Actually, that was the fifth time.
First time with a bank teller.
Actually First time with a bank teller named Charmaine.
Remember when I stabbed that bitch with her own ink pen? Ripped it right off the chain! Then, when I finally got a shot at my dream-- a tryout with the Redskins-- your bad luck followed me.
I got cut two weeks into training camp.
Lost my spot to Cannonball Williams.
Hall of Famer turned rotisserie chicken franchise mogul Cannonball "Mm Mm" Williams?! That should've been me playing in those games.
That should've been me mailing drawings of my penis to cheerleaders.
That should've been me posing awkwardly on football cards.
But because of you, I got to stand like this.
Father, isn't it possible that you're blaming me for all Shut your mouth! I have nothing to say to you.
It was under the damn butter.
You did it, Rallo.
A '67 Mustang.
Yep.
Been wanting one of these my whole life.
And this feels like an intersection.
Rallo, all this bouncing around is have to make me want to go use the restroom.
Well, that's your problem.
I told you to go before we left the house.
If you don't pull over, it's gonna be all our problem.
All right, fine.
You know how to parallel park? Sure, I've seen my mom do it plenty of times.
Just like Mama.
"Hoarding," my ass.
Like I'm gonna throw out magazines with movie stars in them.
Cleveland! You got camel nose in that thing.
What you doing? Searching for a flag for my father.
Much like the soldiers at "I-wo Jy-ma.
" Cleveland,t have I told you about referencing World War Two? It bums me out.
You tried to talk to your dad, and it didn't work.
It's time for you to move on.
As my Cousin Ernestine always said, "Two people in a boat? I don't think so.
" Thank you, Donna.
I needed to hear that.
Daddy, Daddy! Guess who Grandpa Freight Train asked to be his partner in a golf tournament this weekend! Me?! Hooray! Day forgives me! No, silly, me.
And I'm getting pretty good at golf.
I might get to win a trophy! An actual sports trophy, with a guy on it.
Not a book or an owl or pasta.
I like your Mr.
Macaroni trophy.
'Member? You ate that whole pan.
Scrapings and all.
Yeah, but this time I'm gonna know I'm in a contest.
Are we there yet, Rallo? We there? Are we there yet? We there? Huh, you know what? On this side, that is annoying.
We lost.
Just filled up on number three.
Took me a minute to get the hang of the pump.
Hey, I was wondering if you could give me directions to here? It's my house.
This is it, as you can see, on a very sunny day.
Son, you seem lost and you reek of gas.
I have reason to suspect you're with Randy Quaid.
I'm calling the cops.
Five-O creepin'! We got to go! My tags ain't right! Hey, follow the grooves, woman.
And careful with the speed bumps in the back.
You gonna tell Montel's former hairdresser how to shave a head? Ow! The hell? Fore! Cleveland, what do you think you're doing? Just practicing my golf for the big tournament.
You're playing in the tournament? What dumbass agreed to be your partner? This dumbass.
Cannonball Williams? Hey, looks like Freight Train added a snack car! Yeah, and check out his caboose! What a fat, jiggly ass! Okay, this is getting weird.
Cannonball Williams, you no-neck, rat-soup-eating bastard! I swore if I ever saw you again, I'd You'd do what? You ain't no Freight Train.
You're a fart stain.
Ho-ho! You all know I'm not a fan of potty humor, but when it's done intelligently like that Oh, Cannonball, my new father figure, tell me how the world works, bounce me on your knee.
Bounce me on your knee! Oh, yeah! That's it! Bounce m Daddy! Oh, gee, Freight Train, I forgot you existed.
Is this hard for you? Does it make you jealous, seeing me with my new daddy? Your son is a mess, Freight Train.
Ha! You hear that? I'm a mess.
Thanks to you.
Look, I don't mean to be the little bitch, but this ain't, this ain't safe.
What? Don't make me come back there! You know what? Welcome to the Stoolbend Two-Man Golf Classic.
Breaking records with four black people playing golf on the same day.
And I've accidentally called each one Vijay Singh.
Junior, can I be honest with you? A long time ago, that Cannonball got inside my head.
I'm scared, man.
Grandpa, can I be honest with you, too? You're talking like a little piss-pants right now! Now, I am taking that trophy home, and I best not have to piggyback your ass to do it! This is why I like you more than your father.
Hold still; I'm almost done.
We may forget our ears, but the sun doesn't.
Yes! You're up.
Yay! I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods! Must've put on a few pounds since my Quahog days.
Whew.
I'm sure no one noticed.
Yes! Right in the cup.
Boop.
You're not supposed to boop a man's balls till the third hole.
Focus! Keep your eye on the ball! Keep your eye on the ball! My favorite nipple! On the 18th hole, with only two teams remaining, it all comes down to Cleveland Brown and Cleveland Brown, Jr.
Cleveland stuck behind a tree.
Perfect placement for taking a whizz, not so much for playing golf.
Man, we must be going in circles.
Didn't we just hear a bunch of people scream? Hey, Cleveland, I hope you find a measure of peace with your daaaaad! Well, that makes things easier.
Yeah! Par-three over here! Like a quadriplegic pageant winner, Cleveland is sitting pretty.
All he has to do now is tap it in to take home this actual sports trophy.
The trophy.
I might get to win a trophy.
An actual sports troph Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, I know.
I just want to beat my dad so badly.
At what cost, Daddy? At what cost? Good luck with that putt.
I'm gonna go back in my own body now.
Oh, no, I'm choking! It's Dare Squared all over again! Dang! Freight Train and Cleveland Brown Jr.
win the tournament! We did it! We won the sports trophy! Yeah! Oh, nope.
Bad idea.
Wait a minute.
You threw the match on purpose, didn't you? Duh.
I did it really obviously so you would know the sacrifice I was making.
That's why you're better than Grandpa Freight Train.
I am? He's a good grandfather, but he was a terrible dad.
You're a great dad, and you'll be an awesome grandfather.
Aw, thanks, Junior.
I promise I will never show your son love, because it might hurt your feelings.
Thanks, Daddy.
Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid! I'm all right Don't nobody worry about me Why you gotta give me a fight? Why can't you just let me be?