The Exes (2011) s03e14 Episode Script

Excuse me.
This fell on the floor.
- I believe it's yours.
- Oh, well, thank you.
Haskell Lutz.
Ann Marie.
Hello.
- Hi.
- I'm Steve.
Want to get out of here? Sure.
Excuse me.
Tall bastard.
The tall have it made in this world.
Yeah, it was delightful being 12 and having the shop teacher make me a special desk.
Nevertheless, I'm tired of losing out to these skyscrapers.
I got everything Wit, charm, the ancient sexual techniques of the orient.
But when you're under 6 feet, you're home alone doing the twisted mantis on yourself.
Oh, no.
You won't believe who just walked into the bar.
Sabrina, that despicable, devious woman who had me under her sexual spell.
I thought you broke up with her.
Well, so did I.
Clearly, she's back for more of daddy's candy.
Lady, I know what you're doing, but there's no way you're luring me back into your sick, sexual web.
Oh, gosh.
I see what's going on.
You've obviously mistaken me for my twin sister, Sabrina.
You're not Sabrina? Heavens, no.
I'm Julie.
And let me assure you I am nothing like my sister.
I mean, what kind of person enjoys harassing sick people for overdue hospital bills? Yeah.
What do you do? I wash oil off of pelicans.
Oh.
That's beautiful.
Well, Julie, I'm Stuart.
I'm so sorry for storming over here.
Please, let me buy you a drink.
Well, we did just meet, but you seem like a nice guy.
So sure, what the "h"? [Laughs.]
Hey.
Guess who's been named one of the top ten most eligible bachelors in the city by New York Magazine.
I'll give you a hint He's smoking hot, and he's standing right in front of you.
I got nothin'.
Funny.
They're gonna announce it at a big press party on Saturday.
You're all invited.
There's gonna be open bar and tons of models.
Where you going? To peruse the web for a fast-acting, yet safe bovine growth hormone.
So most eligible bachelor, huh? - Mm-hmm.
- Wow, that's great.
Aren't you forgetting a little something? - What? - You have a girlfriend.
Eden Cute, darling, about two apples tall? What? No, look, she'll totally be down with this.
We're a hip, modern couple, and it's not like we're joined at the hip.
- Hi, hi.
- Hey.
There's my cool, modern girlfriend.
Mwah.
I got us something.
Pheden hats.
- What's a Pheden? - We are.
Now that we're a couple, we're no longer just Phil and Eden.
We're Pheden.
Don't you love it? - It's awesome! - Aw.
It's adorable.
Now, you guys are joined at the hat.
[Both laugh.]
Oh, and, Pheden, don't you have some good news to tell Pheden? What's the good news? Well, New York Magazine has named me one of its top ten most eligible bachelors.
Isn't that great? But you're not eligible.
Aw.
Yes, but see, when they contacted me at that particular time, I was.
Well, why don't you just call them right back and tell them you have a girlfriend? Because at this particular time, the situation has evolved into a business opportunity.
Think about it What better way to advertise the Phil Chase agency than Phil Chase's face on the cover of a magazine? - I am so impressed - Thank you.
That you can say that all with a straight face.
Phil, I just gave up a weekend in Vegas with my girlfriends because I thought we were in a relationship.
So what, you're saying you don't want me to go to this? I'm not saying anything.
The decision is yours.
Well, in that case, I'm gonna do it.
Well, then, I guess you are.
- You wanna grab dinner? - Not at this particular time.
S03E14 Bachelor Party [door opens.]
Haskell, you're never gonna believe this.
That woman at the bar was not Sabrina.
Turns out it was her twin sister Julie.
Twin sister, huh? Yeah, and she's nothing like Sabrina.
She's kind and sensitive.
And we even share the same interests Gourmet cooking, ballroom dancing, antiquing.
You don't go antiquing.
I know, but I look like I do.
Anyway, I made a date with her for tomorrow night.
Isn't that amazing? Sabrina has a good twin, and you just happen to meet her.
I know.
What are the chances? None! Zero! Zilch! Don't you get it? Sabrina's just pretending to be her own twin.
[Laughs.]
You think oh, yeah.
She's just crazy enough to do that.
Well, so what am I supposed to do? I made a date with her.
What could you possibly do? Those kind of agreements are ironclad.
Hello, Holly, I'm here.
What's the emergency? I went to a new eyebrow lady, and she got all distracted, and it's bad, Eden.
It is bad.
How bad is it? Oh, my God.
You have no eyebrows.
You look like a bond villain.
What am I gonna do? One of the bachelors at Phil's party is this hot lawyer, Ed Stevens.
Oh, I've just been dying to meet him forever, but I-I can't let him see me look like this.
I'm sorry you let me see you like this.
You know I can't sleep after I see a horror film.
Hey, just make me pretty.
All right, jeez.
[Sighs.]
So I can't believe you're letting Phil go through with this bachelor thing.
The decision was his, and he made the wrong one.
So what are you gonna wear? It's got to be something hot.
Ooh, how about that dress that makes you look like two boobs coming out of a shot glass? Yes, that would be a good one if I was going, but I'm not.
Well, you have to go.
I mean, there's gonna be tons of beautiful women there.
And after all, this is Phil we're talking about.
No, no, I'm not gonna be one of those insecure, clingy women who has to keep tabs on her man.
- You look surprised.
- I'm not surprised.
I'm worried.
I'm concerned.
No, I mean your eyebrows.
Haskell, guess what.
I did some checking, and it turns out Julie really does exist.
Mm-hmm, she has a Facebook page, a Twitter account, and a website.
That proves nothing.
Google "Dr.
Rhett McLellan.
" That's you in a lab coat.
Indeed.
And yes, that is the space shuttle in the background.
So you're saying that Sabrina just created an online persona to fool me? Well, I wouldn't put it past her.
But how am I gonna find out for sure? Did Sabrina have any distinguishing scars, moles, extra nipples? I've known one or two thripples in my time.
Oh, wait.
She does have a tattoo of a winking Satan on her inner thigh.
So now, all I have to do is find a way to get a peek at it.
If it's not there, I'll know it's Julie.
Sounds like a plan.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to try on my new pair of height helpers.
You bought elevator shoes? Don't you judge me.
You could use a few inches yourself.
[Scatting.]
Hey, I thought I heard you.
Where you been? You know, out, just doing a little shopping for the party.
Uhhuh, uh-huh.
Is that a new suit? Yeah, it's a business suit because that's what this is about, business.
Uhhuh.
You know what? Maybe I should come.
I'm sorry, what? Well, what kind of girlfriend would I be if I wasn't there to support you? You know, for business.
Uh, see, the thing is I would love that, but I don't think the magazine would look kindly on one of their bachelors having a girlfriend.
Oh, don't worry.
They'll never know.
I'll just be another single girl at the party.
[Giggles.]
But, Phil, this is your night, and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable if I'm there.
So it's your decision.
- Oh, well, in that case - Well, I'm going.
You know, are you sure my eyebrows don't look fake and you can't see the glue? I want to look perfect for hot lawyer, Ed Stevens.
They look fine.
Now put that away and relax.
Relax? I got donor eyebrows.
Hello, ladies.
Oh, Haskell, do you have any idea how ridiculous you look in those elevator shoes? Said the woman wearing Mr.
potato head eyebrows.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to peruse the talent from my lofty perch.
Ugh, there he is.
New York's most eligible boyfriend.
[Sighs.]
Look at those sad, desperate women try to sink their claws into [Gasps.]
Holy crap.
There's hot lawyer, Ed Stevens.
Wish me luck.
All right, one more picture, on three.
One, two, three, say Hey, girl.
Is this the line to get my picture taken with eligible bachelor Phil Chase? [Chuckling.]
Uh, hey, Eden.
It looks like business is just booming.
Come on, you know at the end of the night, you're still my There you are.
Hey, Leila.
This is my friend Eden.
Eden, Leila's the feature editor for the magazine.
She's the one that picked me to be in it.
Well, it wasn't hard.
I mean, is this guy a hottie or what? I don't know.
I haven't seen the other nine yet.
Well, excuse me, just for one moment.
I'm gonna have to steal him away.
Phil, a lot of single ladies here that want to meet you.
- Come on.
Sorry, I gotta - Don't worry, no.
You know what? Give me a call sometime, buddy, okay? We'll shoot some hoops.
Eden? Oh, my God.
Ashley? Hi.
How was Vegas? It was awesome.
We cruised the strip in a limo, we got bottle service at the ghost bar, and Courtney may have married a pirate from treasure island.
[Laughter.]
I'm so jealous.
Wait, what are you doing here? I thought you had a boyfriend.
Not tonight.
Then come on, let's party, do some shots.
Let's get stupid.
[Laughter.]
So, Ed, you're a lawyer too? Yeah, I'm surprised I never see you - around the courthouse.
- Me too.
You know, Holly, I'm supposed to be circulating and meeting some of the other women, but for some reason, I don't want to.
Ed, you know all the right things to say.
[Knocks at door.]
- Hello, Julie.
- Hello, Stuart.
Are you ready for a night of Shakespeare in the park? I brought an extra tushy cushion.
Oh.
So thoughtful.
Come in.
Thanks.
Um [Clears throat.]
Why don't we have some wine first? Oh, dare I? Well, what the "h"? It is the weekend.
And what goes better with wine than a little mood music? [Tango music.]
Heavens, what kind of mood are you in? When I hear this music, I feel it in every fiber of my being.
I feel it in the very cool-de-sac of my soul.
And I I just have to dance.
Do you tango? Well, Stuart, the truth is I'm mad for it.
Then let's.
Oh.
[Sighs.]
[Grunts.]
You've done this before, haven't you? Oh, I'm no stranger to the Argentinean dance of love.
[Sighs.]
Stuart, I think the dip is over.
Just waiting for the beat.
Ah.
[Grunts.]
You really like your dips, don't you? It's my signature move.
I like them too, but I also like dancing face to whoa.
Stuart, I'm getting light-headed.
Yeah, almost there.
- Almost there.
- Cheese and crackers! Is that a dental mirror? Stuart, what do you think you're doing? I'm sorry.
[Music stops.]
I'm sorry.
I know how this must look.
I was just trying to make sure you didn't have a tattoo on your inner thigh, so I would know that you weren't Sabrina.
I told you I wasn't.
You didn't believe me? Well, you two look exactly alike.
Jiminy Christmas, Stuart, that's why we're called twins.
Oh, where do I see myself in ten years? That's a great question.
Um, oh, you know, I've always dreamt of being a judge and dispensing justice from the bench, being wise but tough, and above all, dignified.
You seem surprised.
No, no, it's just you have something Oh, is it an eyelash? You want to pull it off and make a wish? Excuse me.
I have to do something else.
What was that all about? [Gasps.]
Holy crap.
I've got a slider.
The trouble with my lamborghini is having to fold my [Laughter.]
Oh, sorry for droning on about my tall-man problems.
Please, I could listen to you talk all night.
As could I.
Allow me to refresh your drink, my dove.
[Chuckles.]
[Grunts.]
Jeez.
[Groans.]
Wait, you were faking it.
You're not tall.
[Scoffs.]
[Groans.]
In my heart I'm a sexy giant with needs.
- Down in one! - Down in one! [Laughs.]
Eden, we're all going to hear my friend spin at club shelter.
Wanna come? I'm there.
God, I missed you guys.
Oh, we've missed you too.
[Laughter.]
Okay.
Hey, hey, Eden, they're about to take the cover shot.
Then you and I, we can get out of here.
Actually, I'm going out with my girlfriends.
Yeah, but I want to spend the night with my girlfriend.
You don't have a girlfriend, remember? I'm just your buddy Eden.
Oh, so that's what this is about.
This is payback.
I can't believe you're doing this.
I'm not doing anything.
Go, be single.
But I'm not single.
I'm with you! [Knocks at door.]
- Hi.
- Hey.
Thought you were hanging out with your friends.
I wanted to see you.
Good, I wanted to see you too.
I don't blame you for giving me a hard time at the party.
I deserved it.
But that's in the past now, and I am ready to be Pheden.
The thing is I don't know if I am.
What? I had a blast with my friends tonight, and it made me realize I went from being a fun-loving girl to a clingy, needy girlfriend who makes silly hats.
That's not me.
Eden, let's not blow this out of proportion.
Phil, look.
I thought I was ready for a serious relationship, okay? But I'm not, and neither are you.
- That's not true.
- Yes, it is.
Come on, be honest.
I saw you tonight.
Tell me a part of you didn't love being single again.
Okay, maybe a little part.
Phil.
Maybe a little bigger part.
We We jumped into this really fast, and it's been fun.
- It's been tons of fun.
- [Laughs.]
Yeah.
But these last couple days - Not so much fun? - Mm-mm.
Look, we We started as friends.
But if we keep going, I'm just afraid that we're not gonna end up that way.
That's the last thing I'd ever want.
Me too.
So friends.
With benefits.
[Laughs.]
- Friends.
- Friends.
Friends.
You know, Stuart, I've done a lot of soul-searching, and I decided that buying those elevator shoes was an idiotic idea.
I'm seeing a man in Chinatown tomorrow to get my neck stretched.
You know what? Don't talk to me.
Because of you, I blew it with Julie.
It turns out she really is Sabrina's twin.
So there was no tattoo? [Sighs.]
I didn't get that far.
Believe it or not, nice girls take offense when you try to peek up their skirt with a dental mirror.
And now, I'll never see her again.
[Laughs.]
Oh, yes, you will.
Don't you get it? There is no Julie.
There's just Sabrina playing the long con.
The long con? It's all part of her plan to lure you back into her sexual clutches.
She'll find some reason to forgive you.
Trust me, you haven't seen the last of her.
Ooh, look who's here.
What a surprise.
Oh, jeez.
Forgive me, sir.
Stuart, I've had time to think, and now I understand why you thought I was Sabrina.
This is exactly the kind of sick game she would play, so let's start over.
I mean, jeepers creepers, it's not every day I meet such a kind, sweet, compassionate man.
You slimy succubus.
Go sink your twisted claws into some other gullible fool.
Hi there, lover.
Sabrina? Stop following me, Sabrina.
I told you, I am not pulling the plug on mom.
She's suffered long enough.
She had lasik surgery.
Oh, my God, there really are two of you.
Yes, and you deserve each other.
[Sighs.]
Looks like it's just us.
There's no us.
That hand caps tools still has our names on it.
Oh What the "h".