The Muppet Show (1976) s03e14 Episode Script
Harry Belafonte
Thank you, Scooter.
Say, is everything all right? Oh, yeah, everything's OK.
Except I haven't done the show yet and somebody started to put me down.
No! What do you mean? Just now I heard somebody outside my door say, "Don't go inside that dressing room.
Crazy Harry's in there".
They didn't mean you.
You see, Crazy Harry's a Crazy Harry! It's The Muppet Show with our very special Yay! # It's time to play the music # It's time to light the light # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight # It's time to put on makeup # It's time to dress up right # It's time to get things started # Why don't you get things started I've seen enough.
Let's leave.
# It's time to get things started # On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational # This is what we call The Muppet Show # Uh "Thank you, thank you.
" Fozzie, this is not going to work.
- Just read off the page, frog.
Um "Leggies and genglefins " Leggies and genglefins? Let's see.
- Leggies and genglefins.
All right.
So my typing is bad.
"Leggies and genglefins, welcun again tie the Mupple Shocks.
" Uh "My name is Kermit the Forg.
" The Forg? Come on, pick up the pace.
Here we go.
"And our spegial guest stap is the amazing Hapry Bela " Kermit, your timing must be off.
You should be getting big laughs with that stuff.
Ladies and gentlemen, # Day-oh # Day-oh # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Day # Me say day, me say day, me say day me say day, me say day-ay-oh # Daylight come and me wanna go home That was beautiful.
Thank you very much, but I'm not finished yet.
Yeah, but boy, that was terrific.
I bet you must have sang that song a bunch of times on TV, huh? No, no, as a matter of fact, this is the first time.
This here on The Muppet Show is the very first time you sang this Very first time.
It's very special to me.
You bet it is, and to us, too.
I'll tell you what.
We're gonna do it up really perfect.
Hey, pigs.
Pigs, come on in.
This is your pig chorus.
I'll take care of everything else.
Don't worry.
This is gonna be great.
Are you sure? Trust me.
# Work all night on a drink of rum # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Stack banana till the morning come # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Come mister tally man, tally me banana # Daylight come and me wanna go home - # Come - Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Uh, what is a tally man? What is what? - A tally man.
You sang "tally man".
What's that? Well well, he's the boss.
The tally man is the guy who counts the bananas as they go into the ship.
Without him there's no work.
He's a very important man.
Ahh! Could I be a tally man? Sure.
- Oh, yeah? Well, terrific.
OK, here I am, the tally man, or the tally bear.
Ahh! OK, we got the tally bear, the boat, the chorus with the pigs and the parrot.
Uh, OK, keep singing.
This is gonna be great.
You sure we have everything? Sure.
- How about the bananas? The what? - Bananas.
We need bananas.
It's the Banana Boat Song.
We have to have bananas.
Good thinking.
I got just the man.
Beauregard.
Yes? - Come here.
You got a job.
Get bananas for this song.
OK.
- OK.
Go ahead.
This is just gonna be great.
He's gonna get the bananas? He's gonna get the bananas and the song's gonna be wonderful.
Are you sure? Trust me.
It's what you said the last time.
# Come mister tally man, tally me banana # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Come mister tally man, tally me banana I never told you onions.
Get bananas.
# Daylight come and me wanna go home # Lift six and seven and eight and bunch # Daylight come and me wanna go home - # Six and seven and eight and bunch - I don't know what those are.
Bananas.
They're yellow.
- # Daylight come and me wanna go home Keep singing.
- # Day # Me say day-oh # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Day Me say day-oh - # Daylight come and me wanna go home - Stop that.
They're pineapples.
- # A beautiful bunch of ripe banana Don't you know what bananas are? - # Daylight come and me wanna go home Don't you understand? - # Hide the deadly black tarantula # Daylight come and me wanna go home No, no, no.
I don't work with the deadly tarantula.
I do all my own - Fellas, please.
Wait, wait, wait.
Fellas, please.
Oh, come on.
Wait a minute, please.
Don't worry about the tarantula.
Don't worry about the pineapples and the onions.
This is the first time I'm doing this song on TV and I'd like to get it right.
I'd like it to look good for all the people.
Help me out.
Let's pull together, OK? OK, right, yeah.
Everybody ready, OK? Just watch me, OK? It'll work.
You really think it'll work? Trust me.
# I lift six and seven and eight and bunch # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Six and seven and eight and bunch # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Come, mister tally man, tally me banana # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Come, mister tally man and tally me banana # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Day-oh # Day-oh Day-ay-ay-oh Day-ay-ay-oh # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Day # Day Once again, please.
# Day # Day Can we do it all together? - Yes, sir, I'm sorry.
Here we go.
- # Day - # Day All right.
# Me say day, me say day, me say day me say day, me say day-ay-ay-oh # Me say day, me say day, me say day How many is that? - Seven of 'em, I think.
# Me say day-oh # Daylight come and me wanna go home # That Banana Boat's a wonderful number.
Yeah, and look what they did to it.
I have a good mind to go home.
If you had a good mind you wouldn't be here in the first place.
OK, nice number, nice number.
- We got breakfast in the kitchen.
Hey, Kermit, I always thought these was peaches.
Oh, boy.
Hey, watch out, Kermit.
Beauregard, watch out.
Let's see.
Where was I here? Rowlf and Lew Zeeland on stage for the musical moment.
That's it, the musical moment.
Fozzie, what are you doing with this typewriter on my table? Kermit, I am writing the script for this week's show.
But what makes you think the show needs a script? Oh, Kermit, come on.
Every show has a script.
Yeah, that way you leave nothing to chance.
Hey, guys, guys, hey, hey, hey.
Here is the musical moment for this week.
Uh "Curtains open.
Lew Zeeland and Rowlf do something funny.
Curtains close.
" Go get 'em! You leave nothing to chance, huh? Trust me.
Do you know Tea for Two? - Tea for Two? I know it backwards.
Oh, good, 'cause that's the way we want to hear it.
Good, 'cause that's the way I'm gonna sing it.
# Owt rof aet # And aet rof owt # Uoy rof em # And em rof uoy # Ees uoy tnac # Eewepaah wow Read eeb # Much very you thank.
Mine was pleasure the.
Now time once again for Pigs in Space.
What's old stupid doing? - I'm not doing a thing.
Well, he answers when called.
Not you, stupid, dear, the stupid on the end.
Oh, yes, I'm perfecting my dissolve-atron.
Ooh, what is that? What does it do? - It does this.
And it does this.
Oh, what? Hey, you! What a wonderful trick.
Do that again.
Hm? - Ahh.
It's very simple, Link.
You see, this ray dissolves anything I point it at.
Watch it! There.
And then it will undissolve you this way.
And there you are.
Exactly as we were before.
Uh, maybe not exactly.
This is terrible.
I can't live my life being you.
Ha! You think you got troubles! Well, of course, I am kind of cute this way.
Hey, watch it, watch it.
Don't you dare touch you! Strangepork, this is all your fault.
- What do you have to say for yourself? Ew.
This is a bummer.
I mean, really.
Something has gone wrong with my dissolve-aton.
This is not my scene.
Oh, Kermie.
Kermie! Help! Where are you, Kermie? Kermie! - That does it.
The sketch is cancelled.
Kill the lights.
Strike the scenery.
Curtain! Ha, ha, ha! Ha! Oh, no.
Oh, no! Oh! This is so embarrassing.
I wonder if this ever happened to Neil Simon.
Oh, boy.
- Hey, Fozzie.
Oh! Hi.
Hi, Rowlf.
How's it going? - Oh, well, gosh, I I, uh I, uh Um - You're stuck, huh? Yeah.
- Well.
Listen, it happens to all writers.
This does? - Sure.
It's what's called writer's block.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
Where you can't come up with the next line.
Yes, I can't come up with the next line.
Maybe I can help.
Let me see what you last wrote here.
Hello, sports fans.
Lewis Kazagger bringing you the wild world of Muppet sports.
You join us today for the start of the 1 00 meter blindfold sprint.
And the finalists are on their marks.
And they can't see a thing.
Not even the starting flag.
So, we'll try the pistol.
And there they go.
And there and there and over there.
Yes, number zero knocked down by number two.
He's up again.
Number seven looking like a man of action.
Number zero knocked down again, this time by number six.
Zero off to the side, six is off.
Here comes two looking very far back, but number seven is quite good.
I think he's found it.
I think he's found the finish mark.
Here they come, ladies and gentlemen! And we have a winner! And we need a stretcher! Uh, uh, back to the regular program.
I think that number raises a pertinent question.
What's that? - Why did they do it? How's the writing going, Fozz? Oh, boy, I didn't know it would be that tough, Harry.
But you know.
You write a lot of stuff.
No, not really.
No, well, I write songs.
Yeah, they're terrific.
How do you get ideas for all those songs? They don't come easily.
You have to get inspired.
Like the song we're gonna do next.
- Uh-huh.
I discovered that song in Africa.
I was in a country called Guinea.
I went deep into the interior of the country and in a little village I met with a storyteller.
That storyteller went way back into African traditions and African mythology and began to tell this story about the fire, which means the sun, and about the water, about the earth.
He pointed out that all of these things together turn the world around.
And that all of us are here for a very, very short time.
In that time that we're here there really isn't any difference in any of us, if we were to take time out to understand each other.
And the question is, do I know who you are, do you know who I am, do we care about each other? 'Cause if we do, together we can turn the world around.
# We come from the fire Living in the fire # Go back to the fire Turn the world around # We come from the fire # Go back to the fire # Turn the world around # We come from the fire Living in the fire # Go back to the fire Turn the world around # We come from the water Living in the water # Go back to the water Turn the world around # We come from the water Living in the water # Go back to the water Turn the world around # We come from the water Living in the water # Go back to the water Turn the world around # We come from the mountain Living on the mountain # Go back to the mountain Turn the world around # We come from the mountain Living on the mountain # Go back to the mountain Turn the world around # We come from the mountain Living on the mountain # Go back to the mountain Turn the world around # Whoa-oh So is life # Ah-ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # Ah-ha So is life # Do you know who I am? # Do I know who you are? # See we one another clearly # Do we know who we are? # Do you know who I am? Do I know who you are? # See we one other clearly Do we know who we are? # Do you know who I am? Do I know who you are? # See we one another clearly Do we know who we are? # Whoa-ho So is life # A bat tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A bat tee wah ha So is life # Water make the river River wash the mountain # Fire make the sunlight Turn the world around # Heart is of the river Body is the mountain # Spirit is the sunlight Turn the world around # We are of the spirit Truly of the spirit # Only can the spirit turn the world around # We are of the spirit Truly of the spirit # Only can the spirit turn the world around # Do you know who I am? # Do I know who you are? # See we one another clearly # Do we know who we are? # Do you know who I am? Do I know who you are? # See we one another clearly Do we know who we are? - # Do you know who I am? - # Do I know who you are? # See we one another clearly # Do we know who we are? # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-oh So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life It's been such a great show that we can hardly bring ourselves to end it.
And we all know who we have to thank for that.
The scriptwriter! - No, no, the guest star.
And so, thank you from all This is the greatest group of singers I've ever worked with, to the Muppets.
Night, all.
- See you next time on The Muppet Show! # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Oh-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha #
Say, is everything all right? Oh, yeah, everything's OK.
Except I haven't done the show yet and somebody started to put me down.
No! What do you mean? Just now I heard somebody outside my door say, "Don't go inside that dressing room.
Crazy Harry's in there".
They didn't mean you.
You see, Crazy Harry's a Crazy Harry! It's The Muppet Show with our very special Yay! # It's time to play the music # It's time to light the light # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight # It's time to put on makeup # It's time to dress up right # It's time to get things started # Why don't you get things started I've seen enough.
Let's leave.
# It's time to get things started # On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational # This is what we call The Muppet Show # Uh "Thank you, thank you.
" Fozzie, this is not going to work.
- Just read off the page, frog.
Um "Leggies and genglefins " Leggies and genglefins? Let's see.
- Leggies and genglefins.
All right.
So my typing is bad.
"Leggies and genglefins, welcun again tie the Mupple Shocks.
" Uh "My name is Kermit the Forg.
" The Forg? Come on, pick up the pace.
Here we go.
"And our spegial guest stap is the amazing Hapry Bela " Kermit, your timing must be off.
You should be getting big laughs with that stuff.
Ladies and gentlemen, # Day-oh # Day-oh # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Day # Me say day, me say day, me say day me say day, me say day-ay-oh # Daylight come and me wanna go home That was beautiful.
Thank you very much, but I'm not finished yet.
Yeah, but boy, that was terrific.
I bet you must have sang that song a bunch of times on TV, huh? No, no, as a matter of fact, this is the first time.
This here on The Muppet Show is the very first time you sang this Very first time.
It's very special to me.
You bet it is, and to us, too.
I'll tell you what.
We're gonna do it up really perfect.
Hey, pigs.
Pigs, come on in.
This is your pig chorus.
I'll take care of everything else.
Don't worry.
This is gonna be great.
Are you sure? Trust me.
# Work all night on a drink of rum # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Stack banana till the morning come # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Come mister tally man, tally me banana # Daylight come and me wanna go home - # Come - Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Uh, what is a tally man? What is what? - A tally man.
You sang "tally man".
What's that? Well well, he's the boss.
The tally man is the guy who counts the bananas as they go into the ship.
Without him there's no work.
He's a very important man.
Ahh! Could I be a tally man? Sure.
- Oh, yeah? Well, terrific.
OK, here I am, the tally man, or the tally bear.
Ahh! OK, we got the tally bear, the boat, the chorus with the pigs and the parrot.
Uh, OK, keep singing.
This is gonna be great.
You sure we have everything? Sure.
- How about the bananas? The what? - Bananas.
We need bananas.
It's the Banana Boat Song.
We have to have bananas.
Good thinking.
I got just the man.
Beauregard.
Yes? - Come here.
You got a job.
Get bananas for this song.
OK.
- OK.
Go ahead.
This is just gonna be great.
He's gonna get the bananas? He's gonna get the bananas and the song's gonna be wonderful.
Are you sure? Trust me.
It's what you said the last time.
# Come mister tally man, tally me banana # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Come mister tally man, tally me banana I never told you onions.
Get bananas.
# Daylight come and me wanna go home # Lift six and seven and eight and bunch # Daylight come and me wanna go home - # Six and seven and eight and bunch - I don't know what those are.
Bananas.
They're yellow.
- # Daylight come and me wanna go home Keep singing.
- # Day # Me say day-oh # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Day Me say day-oh - # Daylight come and me wanna go home - Stop that.
They're pineapples.
- # A beautiful bunch of ripe banana Don't you know what bananas are? - # Daylight come and me wanna go home Don't you understand? - # Hide the deadly black tarantula # Daylight come and me wanna go home No, no, no.
I don't work with the deadly tarantula.
I do all my own - Fellas, please.
Wait, wait, wait.
Fellas, please.
Oh, come on.
Wait a minute, please.
Don't worry about the tarantula.
Don't worry about the pineapples and the onions.
This is the first time I'm doing this song on TV and I'd like to get it right.
I'd like it to look good for all the people.
Help me out.
Let's pull together, OK? OK, right, yeah.
Everybody ready, OK? Just watch me, OK? It'll work.
You really think it'll work? Trust me.
# I lift six and seven and eight and bunch # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Six and seven and eight and bunch # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Come, mister tally man, tally me banana # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Come, mister tally man and tally me banana # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Day-oh # Day-oh Day-ay-ay-oh Day-ay-ay-oh # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Daylight come and me wanna go home # Day # Day Once again, please.
# Day # Day Can we do it all together? - Yes, sir, I'm sorry.
Here we go.
- # Day - # Day All right.
# Me say day, me say day, me say day me say day, me say day-ay-ay-oh # Me say day, me say day, me say day How many is that? - Seven of 'em, I think.
# Me say day-oh # Daylight come and me wanna go home # That Banana Boat's a wonderful number.
Yeah, and look what they did to it.
I have a good mind to go home.
If you had a good mind you wouldn't be here in the first place.
OK, nice number, nice number.
- We got breakfast in the kitchen.
Hey, Kermit, I always thought these was peaches.
Oh, boy.
Hey, watch out, Kermit.
Beauregard, watch out.
Let's see.
Where was I here? Rowlf and Lew Zeeland on stage for the musical moment.
That's it, the musical moment.
Fozzie, what are you doing with this typewriter on my table? Kermit, I am writing the script for this week's show.
But what makes you think the show needs a script? Oh, Kermit, come on.
Every show has a script.
Yeah, that way you leave nothing to chance.
Hey, guys, guys, hey, hey, hey.
Here is the musical moment for this week.
Uh "Curtains open.
Lew Zeeland and Rowlf do something funny.
Curtains close.
" Go get 'em! You leave nothing to chance, huh? Trust me.
Do you know Tea for Two? - Tea for Two? I know it backwards.
Oh, good, 'cause that's the way we want to hear it.
Good, 'cause that's the way I'm gonna sing it.
# Owt rof aet # And aet rof owt # Uoy rof em # And em rof uoy # Ees uoy tnac # Eewepaah wow Read eeb # Much very you thank.
Mine was pleasure the.
Now time once again for Pigs in Space.
What's old stupid doing? - I'm not doing a thing.
Well, he answers when called.
Not you, stupid, dear, the stupid on the end.
Oh, yes, I'm perfecting my dissolve-atron.
Ooh, what is that? What does it do? - It does this.
And it does this.
Oh, what? Hey, you! What a wonderful trick.
Do that again.
Hm? - Ahh.
It's very simple, Link.
You see, this ray dissolves anything I point it at.
Watch it! There.
And then it will undissolve you this way.
And there you are.
Exactly as we were before.
Uh, maybe not exactly.
This is terrible.
I can't live my life being you.
Ha! You think you got troubles! Well, of course, I am kind of cute this way.
Hey, watch it, watch it.
Don't you dare touch you! Strangepork, this is all your fault.
- What do you have to say for yourself? Ew.
This is a bummer.
I mean, really.
Something has gone wrong with my dissolve-aton.
This is not my scene.
Oh, Kermie.
Kermie! Help! Where are you, Kermie? Kermie! - That does it.
The sketch is cancelled.
Kill the lights.
Strike the scenery.
Curtain! Ha, ha, ha! Ha! Oh, no.
Oh, no! Oh! This is so embarrassing.
I wonder if this ever happened to Neil Simon.
Oh, boy.
- Hey, Fozzie.
Oh! Hi.
Hi, Rowlf.
How's it going? - Oh, well, gosh, I I, uh I, uh Um - You're stuck, huh? Yeah.
- Well.
Listen, it happens to all writers.
This does? - Sure.
It's what's called writer's block.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
Where you can't come up with the next line.
Yes, I can't come up with the next line.
Maybe I can help.
Let me see what you last wrote here.
Hello, sports fans.
Lewis Kazagger bringing you the wild world of Muppet sports.
You join us today for the start of the 1 00 meter blindfold sprint.
And the finalists are on their marks.
And they can't see a thing.
Not even the starting flag.
So, we'll try the pistol.
And there they go.
And there and there and over there.
Yes, number zero knocked down by number two.
He's up again.
Number seven looking like a man of action.
Number zero knocked down again, this time by number six.
Zero off to the side, six is off.
Here comes two looking very far back, but number seven is quite good.
I think he's found it.
I think he's found the finish mark.
Here they come, ladies and gentlemen! And we have a winner! And we need a stretcher! Uh, uh, back to the regular program.
I think that number raises a pertinent question.
What's that? - Why did they do it? How's the writing going, Fozz? Oh, boy, I didn't know it would be that tough, Harry.
But you know.
You write a lot of stuff.
No, not really.
No, well, I write songs.
Yeah, they're terrific.
How do you get ideas for all those songs? They don't come easily.
You have to get inspired.
Like the song we're gonna do next.
- Uh-huh.
I discovered that song in Africa.
I was in a country called Guinea.
I went deep into the interior of the country and in a little village I met with a storyteller.
That storyteller went way back into African traditions and African mythology and began to tell this story about the fire, which means the sun, and about the water, about the earth.
He pointed out that all of these things together turn the world around.
And that all of us are here for a very, very short time.
In that time that we're here there really isn't any difference in any of us, if we were to take time out to understand each other.
And the question is, do I know who you are, do you know who I am, do we care about each other? 'Cause if we do, together we can turn the world around.
# We come from the fire Living in the fire # Go back to the fire Turn the world around # We come from the fire # Go back to the fire # Turn the world around # We come from the fire Living in the fire # Go back to the fire Turn the world around # We come from the water Living in the water # Go back to the water Turn the world around # We come from the water Living in the water # Go back to the water Turn the world around # We come from the water Living in the water # Go back to the water Turn the world around # We come from the mountain Living on the mountain # Go back to the mountain Turn the world around # We come from the mountain Living on the mountain # Go back to the mountain Turn the world around # We come from the mountain Living on the mountain # Go back to the mountain Turn the world around # Whoa-oh So is life # Ah-ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # Ah-ha So is life # Do you know who I am? # Do I know who you are? # See we one another clearly # Do we know who we are? # Do you know who I am? Do I know who you are? # See we one other clearly Do we know who we are? # Do you know who I am? Do I know who you are? # See we one another clearly Do we know who we are? # Whoa-ho So is life # A bat tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A bat tee wah ha So is life # Water make the river River wash the mountain # Fire make the sunlight Turn the world around # Heart is of the river Body is the mountain # Spirit is the sunlight Turn the world around # We are of the spirit Truly of the spirit # Only can the spirit turn the world around # We are of the spirit Truly of the spirit # Only can the spirit turn the world around # Do you know who I am? # Do I know who you are? # See we one another clearly # Do we know who we are? # Do you know who I am? Do I know who you are? # See we one another clearly Do we know who we are? - # Do you know who I am? - # Do I know who you are? # See we one another clearly # Do we know who we are? # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-oh So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life It's been such a great show that we can hardly bring ourselves to end it.
And we all know who we have to thank for that.
The scriptwriter! - No, no, the guest star.
And so, thank you from all This is the greatest group of singers I've ever worked with, to the Muppets.
Night, all.
- See you next time on The Muppet Show! # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Whoa-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha So is life # Oh-ho So is life # A ba tee wah ha #