The Nanny s03e14 Episode Script

I just love her.
You know, I've seen her in person.
She looks much younger.
Fran, the storm is getting worse.
How is Santa gonna deliver all the presents? Gracie, the man is bigger than Dom DeLuise, and he fits through a chimney.
Believe me, he can get through a blizzard.
Oh! I'm glad you're enjoying your new golf shoes, sir.
Thanks, old man.
Now, hold still.
I wonder if Mr.
Belvedere started like this.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, let me help you with that.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Almost there.
No problem.
Here we go.
Miss Fine, don't you think you should take off your heels? No.
They're very comfortable.
Okay.
Give me the star.
All righty.
Do you think it looks crooked? Maxwell, stop fooling around.
We have work to do.
C.
C.
, it's Christmas Eve.
Again? Well, thank God for this blizzard.
If I'm lucky, it will hit so hard they'll have to cancel this whole horrific holiday.
Tea? C.
C.
's got the right idea.
I could definitely live without that whole buying-gifts-for-people tradition.
But you don't mind receiving them.
Well, duh.
Brighton, you're missing the whole meaning of Christmas.
I know what it means.
Two weeks off from school.
No, Brighton.
It's about giving of oneself.
Yeah.
The gift part is totally meaningless.
Bonuses excluded.
You put on your coat, mister.
We're going down to the homeless shelter and feed some of the less fortunate.
You're gonna learn what it feels like to give of oneself, if it kills you.
Here, Chester.
Whoa! Go fish.
Help, Maggie! Dad, how come Brighton gets to go out? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Give to the poor.
Give to the Sorry.
Whoa! Where are we? I don't know, but whatever goes up must come down.
Wow! This hairspray really does hold.
Oh, Chester, are you okay? Are you all right? I've been better.
Well, as long as you what? Brighton, did you hear that? The dog talked! Picture this.
Inhaling way too much hairspray, suddenly hears dogs talking.
Tonight in The Nanny Zone.
Run for your life.
It's the worst storm ever.
C.
C.
, the Abominable Babcock, is out to destroy Christmas.
Fran, the snowman talked.
Oh, so I guess it's okay for the snowman to say a few words, but God forbid, the dog gets a little chatty, and I'm ready for the loony bin.
What should we do? Run! Which way do we go? Follow me.
Oy! You have one glass of eggnog This river is hot chocolate! Yeah.
It's so warm and cozy.
You know, it's like being back in the womb, if your mother was a chocolate bunny.
Brighton, see that big white raft? Grab it! This isn't a raft.
It's a marshmallow! All right.
We have to stay calm.
Everything's under control.
Honey, we're traveling via marshmallow down a hot chocolate river with a dog who's talking my ear off.
This is under control by you? Better.
Fran, look, we're in Candy Land.
Everything's edible.
It's a test.
I know it's a test.
And it's all free.
I failed.
Look, an ice cream castle.
It's a banana split-level.
Fran, stop praying.
We're gonna be okay.
No, honey.
I'm praying it's all fat-free.
I wonder if they got Weight Watchers up here.
Brighton, calm down.
Stop hoarding all the candy.
That kid never knows when to stop.
Do you need a Gas-X? No, it passed.
Meanwhile, look at this delicious candy cane.
Oh, my! Oh, my! I've had my food repeat on me, but this is ridiculous.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Hi.
I'm Fran, and this is Brighton and Chester.
I'm Elfis.
Elfis? Yes, Elfis.
They call me Elfis Because of my pelvis King of the elves Thank you very much.
You know, Vegas is looking for someone like you.
Meanwhile, can you tell us where we are? You're at Santa's castle.
Well, this is just about the most delicious house I've ever seen.
Well, Santa is the second richest person in the North Pole.
Oh? Who's the richest? The dentist.
Is he single? There.
I'm finished with my last lemon drop.
What was that? Oh, that was C.
C.
, the Abominable Babcock.
She gets irritable like this every 28 years, and this year she's threatening to ruin the whole holiday.
Well, what's her problem? Well, she's only happy when she's making everyone around her miserable.
Sounds like my mother.
Be careful.
She's 2,000 pounds with arms like a wrestler.
Oy! She is my mother.
Let me talk to her.
Obviously, she has never met the likes of Miss Fran Fine.
Listen, sweetie.
Whoa! We'll talk later, honey.
Hello.
Who are you? The name is Kris Kringle.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Really? And where is Mrs.
Kringle? You know, the one that looks like Barbara Bush? Oh, she's just a figment of my publicist's imagination, as is the red suit, the beard, and the jelly belly.
Gee, if I knew he looked like this, I might have converted.
I'm Fran Fine, the nanny.
And this is Chester and Brighton.
Isn't that sweet? He's bringing back all that candy for his sisters.
Yeah, right.
Santa, he just doesn't know the meaning of sharing.
It's like my mother with a lamb chop bone.
She's like Cujo with that marrow.
Fran, you don't believe this is really Santa? Well, Elfis, it seems like we have a non-believer.
Really? Well, if you insist.
Well, it's a wonderful feeling So we won't ever grow But we're working out three feet of fun for Mr.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Making toys Making toys For girls and boys For girls and boys We're bringing joy to the world I call it "Oy to the world" Oh, that's nice I like it Oh, yeah She calls it "Oy to the world" Yeah, oy to the world Say, you'd be a good elf You're cute as can be And I hear you're a graduate of the nasal academy But I'm too big No, you're just right That's not a wig Oh, what a sight You're like the seven dwarfs And I'm Snow White Let's bring some joy to the world I call it "Oy to the world" Oy to the world Elfis, you're such a mensch.
Oh, yeah Oh, wonderful, wonderful.
Elfis has left the building.
Brighton, you can't take all those toys home.
It's all right.
He said he's gonna share them with his three best friends.
Yeah.
Me, myself, and I.
Not to be a buttinsky, Santa, but look at the time.
When are you gonna start delivering all the toys? Unfortunately, with this storm blowing up, there won't be any delivery this year.
I think C.
C.
, the Abominable Babcock, has finally found a way to cancel Christmas.
And she gets like this every 28 years? She's very regular.
It's so sad.
I just can't imagine a world without Christmas.
What will we do? No Christmas.
Wait! If there's no Christmas, there's no after-Christmas sales.
Well, I am certainly not going to let that cranky cloud cancel this holiday.
Come here! Look, there's the ice palace.
Oh, I can't believe I have to save Christmas.
Five minutes ago we were in a warm castle.
I was about to watch The Shaggy D.
A.
Where's your courage? Where's your compassion? Listen to me.
I'm looking for a test of character from someone who drinks out of a toilet.
Look at that! She left the window opened.
Well, I guess she isn't worried about a draught.
Oh! Oy! You see, I figure she's got a whole solar depravation thing happening, you know, cranky 'cause she doesn't get enough sun.
Well, if I turn up the thermostat and warm her up, she'll be in a good mood.
Now, Chester, you're my lookout.
Just whistle if you see anything.
There it is! I don't know what you're so worried about.
I will pulverize that Abominable Babcock if she gets anywhere near Will you stop fooling around? Will you cut it out? I thought I told you to whistle! Hello! I have no lips.
Oh, all right.
Just remember, whatever happens, we're in this together.
Right? All for one, one for all.
Who did this? She did.
Christmas is doomed.
Don't change the channel.
Oh, honey, this will take forever.
Give me that picture of Mel Gibson.
Fran, I wanna go home.
We can't just bail on Santa.
Niles is making your favourite apple-raisin stuffing.
We're out of here.
I'm afraid that's impossible.
With this terrible storm the Abominable Babcock is blowing up, I won't be able to ride my sleigh tonight.
Uh, am I just stuck here a day or two, or are we talking my next waxing appointment will be under the name Magilla Gorilla? Oh, no.
It's beginning, sir.
Look around.
Everything's beginning to freeze.
There isn't much time left.
I haven't seen anyone this cranky since my sister went three years without a date.
Hey, wait a minute.
That's it.
I've got another great plan.
Well, I quit.
They used 12 different Beethovens, and I don't even have one lousy stunt double.
Listen to me.
When the going gets tough, the tough throw a party.
Excuse me.
I have a soirée to plan for a certain ice princess.
Throw a party for the Abominable Babcock? Well, there's no way I'll be going to that.
Hello.
Thanks for coming.
Have some rumaki.
Fran, why would you want the Abominable Babcock at a party? She's an evil ice princess.
She should be destroyed.
Oh, leave it to me, honey.
I know what I'm doing.
You fools have nothing to celebrate! Christmas is finished! So go! Oh, shove a sock in it, you big old bag of wind.
What? How dare you? You know, I don't know what her secret admirer sees in her anyway.
Come again.
Did you say secret admirer? Huh? Oh, yeah.
You have a secret admirer.
See you.
Wait! And just who might this secret admirer be? Well, honey, he's very cute, good personality, and he's a weather just like you.
Well, toodles.
Get back here! Will you stop acting so hard up? Men do not like women who are so desperate.
Now, I am going to introduce you to him, but only if you promise that you'll stop trying to destroy Christmas.
All right.
I promise.
None of this cranky business, or I'm never fixing you up again.
I swear I'll be moderate with my weather patterns.
Now introduce us.
The suspense is killing me.
We should be so lucky.
Shh! C.
C.
, the Abominable Babcock, I would like you to meet your secret admirer, the Rain Man.
Yeah, definitely rain.
Definitely raining.
the North Pole this year.
Oh, isn't he adorable? Hello.
Could I interest you in a little stroll around the planet? Definitely.
I'm an excellent driver.
Oh, Fran, that was so cool.
It worked.
It's a miracle.
Honey, now that is what Christmas is all about.
You give with your heart, you help the less fortunate, and you offer your friendship.
That's when miracles happen.
Don't give gum to Chester.
He'll be blowing bubbles out the wrong end.
Going my way? Well, I don't usually take rides from strangers.
Oh, look, you put on your costume.
On you it works.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Wow! The actual reindeer.
Hi, doll.
I'm Dancer.
Baby, remember my name, remember All right.
Cut it out.
- Are you Blitzen? - It's Blintzes.
Who else are they gonna get to work on Christmas Eve? You know, Rudolph's a little under the weather.
Chester, would you lead my sleigh tonight? Hi.
I'm Vixen, and I'm a sucker for a fly boy.
What do you say? I say we have some toys to deliver, woman.
I've got the perfect ensemble for just this occasion.
It's strange that no one's left you any cookies this year.
Yes.
Very strange.
What? I'm not even getting minimum wage.
Whoa! Brighton, it's the homeless shelter.
Look, it's Santa! Well, this is our last stop.
Woops! We have a problem.
I seem to have miscalculated.
I'm short a few presents.
You know, the man has nothing to do for 364 days.
Boys and girls, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
- Unfortunately - Wait, Santa.
You forgot about these presents.
Oh, Brighton, that's so sweet.
Those were the toys you so selfishly hoarded the whole time we were in the North Pole.
I know.
But I've got plenty of toys at home.
And us kids, we have to look out for each other.
Brighton, you're making me all verklempt.
Oh, what a day.
I can't believe I'm driving Santa's sleigh.
What an upper.
It's my way of thanking you for saving Christmas.
Oh, Santa, please, it's nothing.
But between you and me, I might have ended up on your naughty list.
If you wouldn't mind erasing my name Deal.
Woops! Whoa! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Daddy, there they are.
Are you okay? Miss Fine, are you all right? Yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, you won't believe the day I had.
First, I saved Christmas, and then I drove the sleigh.
Tell them, Brighton.
Frostbite.
Stop it! Brighton, don't you remember anything? The last thing I remember, we were on our way to the homeless shelter, you got hit in the head, and we got caught in a blizzard.
Hey, we gotta go.
It's closing soon.
What's your rush all of a sudden? Don't you know what Christmas is all about? We kids have to look out for each other.
I'm sure you're just a little shook up.
Let's go inside and get our coats.
And perhaps we'll all go to the homeless shelter.
I guess it was a dream.
Jewish reindeer, candy castles, dogs talking.
Of course it was a dream.
You ate all that chocolate and your pants still fit.
Oh, right.
Hello! Okay.
The first thing we do is book you on Letterman.
You know, I'm very tight with Paul Shaffer.
He's a cousin.
Well, my neighbor's cousin.
But who's counting?