The Simpsons s03e14 Episode Script

####Ahh, the Simpsons D'oh! Bret Councilman here on week eight of the N.
F.
L.
season.
Now stay tuned for six hours of exciting football action.
Well, bye-bye belt.
Homer, all those fatty deep-fried, heavily-salted snacks can't be good for your heart.
My heart is just fine.
A little beer will put out that fire.
Now with the specs for today's games the man who's right Smooth Jimmy Apollo.
Our first game today, Denver and New England is too close to call.
Oh But if you're the compulsive type who just has to bet Well, I don't know.
Mmm Denver! Woo-whoo! Denver! Yeah! Moe's Tavern where the peanut bowl is freshened hourly.
Moe, I'd like to bet $20 on Denver.
I think I can provide that service.
Chief Wiggum, could you hand me that little black book? Sure thing, Moe.
I was using it as a coaster.
$20 on Denver.
Pleasure doing business H.
S.
All right, Denver, justify my love.
At the end of 1 3 seconds it's New England seven, Denver nothing.
D'oh! Look, Dad.
I made an apartment for my Malibu Stacy doll.
This is a kitchen.
This is where she prints her feminist newsletter.
Dad, you're not listening to me! Lousy, stupid Denver.
Mmm! Oh, look at that, a shoe box house.
Lisa, you're so clever.
Why isn't Dad interested in anything I do? Do you ever take an interest in anything he does? No Well, we used to have burping contests but I outgrew it.
If you want to get closer to him maybe you should bridge the gap.
I do it all the time.
I pretend I'm interested in power tools going to silly car-chase movies and things I'll tell you when you're older.
Do you understand? I think so.
- Bart! - What? Oh, look at that.
Why did you do that? Wouldn't it be fun if we watched the game together? Uh okay.
Just don't say anything, and sit down over there.
Over.
Over.
Over.
Over.
Lisa, I can't hear the announcer.
He said Denver fumbled.
D'oh! See you in hell, soldier boy.
- Bart? - Yeah, Mom? While your father and Lisa watch the game it might be fun if we went clothes shopping.
Mom, I'd love to, but I don't need new clothes.
Oh, really? Even though I'd love to spend this sunny afternoon trying on clothes, it's not Folks, when you're right you're wrong 48% of the time.
Why didn't you say that before?! Okay, you're off the hook.
Any thoughts on Miami-Cincinnati? I certainly do, Bret.
I hereby declare Miami to be Smooth Jimmy's 'Lock of the Week.
' Ooh, that's a big lock.
I just don't trust that guy.
In the Cincinnati-Miami game I declare Cincinnati my 'Shoe-in of the Week.
' They both make a good case.
After evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye the Gamble-Tron 2000 says the winner is Cincinnati by 200 points?! Why, you worthless hunk of junk! - You want this, don't you? - Yeah! You need the winners, and I know them.
So call me now.
$5 for the first minute, $2 for additional minutes.
You have reached the Coach's Hot Line.
line.
Lay it on me, Coach.
In the game of Mi-am-i Mm-hmm.
versus Cin Cincinnati.
- cin - Cincinnati.
- na - Cincinnati.
- ti - Come on! Don't you realize this is costing me money? we must consider many things.
The wind D'oh, not the wind! is blowing out of the west at five Miles per hour.
knots.
This is ridiculous! Lisa, who do you think will win-- the Bengals or the Dolphins? I don't know.
The Dolphins? Good, good.
Moe, $50 on the Miami Dolphins.
Homer, I got a call on the other line.
It's me, Mr.
K.
What will it be? Put me down for $7 00 on the Rams.
Put Sideshow down for two grand.
Mom, I'm tired.
I want to go home.
Can't I just lie down for a minute? Bart, I think you'd look very sharp in this shirt.
Fine.
Get it.
Let's go.
No, no, no.
You have to try it on.
Ooh, this one's 50% off.
That's because people who wear them get beaten up.
Well, anyone who would do that isn't your friend.
This looks good and this one is very, very cute and these Oh, look, little bow ties! And don't make that face at me.
How did you know? Touchdown, Dolphins! All right, Dolphins! All right, Dolphins! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Uh-oh.
Daddy's friend Moe promised to give him $50 if the Dolphins won.
You made a bet? I wouldn't call it a bet.
It's a little thing daddies do to make football more exciting.
What could be more exciting than the savage ballet of pro football? Well, you know.
You like ice cream, don't you? Don't you like ice cream better when it's covered with hot fudge and mounds of whipped cream, chopped nuts and those crumbled-up cookie things they mash up? Mmm crumbled-up cookie things.
So gambling makes a good thing even better? That's right! My God it's like there's some kind of bond between us.
Hmm? Mm-hmm.
We've got a troublemaker in booth eight.
There's a code red in booth three.
My God! Those aren't the socks she came in with.
Let's move.
- Bart? - In here, Mom.
Don't open You could use some new underwear too.
Look at that stupid kid! - Three! - Three! - Two! - Two! - One! - One! And the final from Riverfront Stadium: Miami 2 4, Cincinnati 1 0.
- Yeah! - Yeah! Mom sure will be happy you won $50.
You'd think that but your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong even though they say it's okay in the Bible.
Really? Where? Uh somewhere in the back.
The point is, we had a great time today.
To keep it that way let's not tell your mother about our little wager, okay? Okay, Dad.
Did you two have fun? You bet.
We had fun too.
Bart is modeling his new clothes for his friends.
Ooh You got to come out sometime, Simpson.
- Good night, Dad.
I had a nice time today.
- Me too, honey.
Can I watch football with you again next Sunday? Sure.
It gets rid of the unpleasant aftertaste of church.
See how good things happen if you make a little effort? Point well taken.
Could you loosen my blanket a little? Dad tucked me in too tight, and it's cutting off the circulation in my arms and legs.
This team is fired up.
- All right! - He'll lose.
What? Didn't you hear what he said? The fear in his eyes, the quiver in his voice.
He's a little boy lost in a game of men.
Should we bet against them? I'd bet my entire college fund on it.
Moe, $23 on New York.
Start spreading the news.
It's New York over Philadelphia, 3 5 to 1 0.
- Yay! - Yay! Dad, I hate to break the mood but I'm getting nauseous.
Oh, sorry.
So, who do you like in the afternoon games? The 49ers because they're pure of heart Seattle because they got something to prove and the Raiders because they cheat.
In an extremely suspicious play the Raiders win! Three for three! Hey, the new sign's really working.
It's been a madhouse, Lisa.
Let's see football football Homoeroticism in Oddball Canadian Rules Phyllis George in Oh, doctor, what a finish! The final score-- Atlanta 1 7, Houston 1 3.
The lowly Falcons are flying high.
Who would have thunk it? My daughter, that's who.
Yeah, me.
You pick the winner every time.
You must have some kind of special gift.
It doesn't take a genius to realize Houston's failed to cover their last ten outings the week after scoring three touchdowns in a game.
My little girl says the cutest things.
Dad, Sunday is fast becoming my favorite day of the week.
Not Sunday-- Daddy-Daughter Day.
The usual, Moe-- a beer and a wad of bills! Okay you lucky moron.
Here you go, Homer, $1 3 5.
I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet.
Now it's the smell of victory.
Oh, shut up.
Look at these prices! We could finally get rid of those termites for the cost of this meal.
Tut-tut, only the best for my family.
I wonder where you're getting the money.
Can't a man do something nice for his loved ones? I guess so.
Hello, I'm Marco, I'll be your waiter.
I'm Homer, I'll be your customer.
Never heard that one before.
Would you care to select the wine? I'll do the honors.
No, no, no, no.
My God! What passes for a wine list these days? Just bring us your freshest bottle of wine.
Chop, chop.
Charming lad.
Oh, violin guy.
What's your favorite song, Lisa? ''The Broken Neck Blues.
'' Play on.
It is the play-offs.
It's five below.
One fan's wearing a G-string and the team colors on his body.
Maybe the paint has shut off his pores and he's slowly suffocating.
That is a real fan.
It's Daddy-Daughter Day and Daddy needs daughter's picks.
The Chiefs are my five star, silver bullet special.
With your blessing, I'd like to tie it to the Cowboys plus five at Chicago.
You call Moe.
Moe, this is L.
S.
calling for H.
S.
Just bet, Lisa.
You lucky son of a Want to go bowling Sunday? Are you nuts? That's the Super Bowl.
How about the Sunday after that? Ma's coming in from Norway but what the hell.
When the doctor said I didn't have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life.
Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.
Lisa Simpson, would you like to read your essay? The happiest day of my life was three Sundays ago when the Saints-- four and a half point favorites only up by three-- kicked a meaningless field goal at the last second to cover the spread.
Dear God! You must have bought me every Malibu Stacy accessory.
Not quite.
They were out of Malibu Stacy lunar rovers.
Ooh, perfume! '' Meryl Streep's Versatility.
'' I know you're going to like your present.
Shut up! Shut up! Kiss my butt! Go to hell! Dad, I promise I will never get tired of this.
Those were very thoughtful presents but you have to tell me where you got the money.
You have to promise you won't get mad.
I promise I will.
I always do when you make me promise I won't.
Lisa and I have been gambling on pro football.
Homer! You promised you wouldn't get mad.
I promised I would! She's eight years old! Marge, she's got a gift.
Aren't parents supposed to encourage their kids whenever they show talent? Gambling is illegal.
Only in 48 states.
Besides, it's a victimless crime.
The only victim is Moe and it's brought Lisa and me together.
I just don't know.
What's the problem? The kids are happy, you smell like Meryl Streep and I got that foot massager I've always wanted.
Believe me, Marge, nothing bad could possibly come of this.
You know, Dad we've been watching a lot ofTV lately.
Maybe the Sunday after the Super Bowl we could climb Mt.
Springfield.
The fires in the tire yards make beautiful sunsets.
Next Sunday I'm going bowling with Barney.
What about Daddy-Daughter Day?! The new football season is only seven months away.
So that's it.
You just wanted me to help you gamble.
You never wanted to be with me at all.
You're a very selfish man.
Go to hell! Go to hell! Hey, once again, great present, Dad.
Uh uh My third husband bought me this.
Give me some chips for it.
Are you sure? Don't tell me what to do.
I've been gambling since I was eight and hocking jewelry since I was 1 2.
Give me chips.
Look around you, Malibu Stacy.
All this was bought with dirty money.
Your penthouse, your Alfa Romeo, your collagen-injection clinic.
Back into the box.
It may not be pretty but damn it, it's honest.
I, Lisa Simpson am hereby giving away all my ill-gotten Malibu Stacy accessories! Ahh! Look, I bought you a Malibu Stacy chinchilla coat.
Huh? You've come to buy my forgiveness.
Sorry, Homer.
Lisa, honey, I'm sorry but I really had a good time watching football with you and I think you had a good time with me.
Yeah, I did.
We can still watch the Super Bowl together can't we? Well, I would like to see what the fuss is about.
It's a date.
So do you think the Redskins will beat the spread? Put me down.
I'll tell you who's going to win but it will just validate my theory that you cared more about winning money than you did about me.
Okay.
I think Washington is a mortal lock.
Washington! Whoo-hoo! However What however? However what? However, I may also be so clouded with rage that subconsciously I want you to lose.
In which case, I'd bet the farm on Buffalo.
Do me a favor.
Complete this sentence: Daddy should bet all his money on I don't know.
D'oh! If I still love you Washington.
If I don't, Buffalo.
Homer, I think that chip's got enough dip on it.
We're live from the Hubert H.
Humphrey Metrodome and Super Bowl 26.
Today we're going to be seen by people in 1 50 countries all over the world including our newest affiliate, W-Gimel-Aleph-Nun in Tel Aviv.
Stupid! Formidable.
Every note is a dagger in my heart.
I got to get out of here.
Moe's Tavern home of the Super Sunday Brunch Spectacular.
Ohh! Baloney.
Bread! Got you down for 40 bucks.
Good luck, Your Eminence.
You can't take more of my money.
I'm out of the bookie business.
But Moe, you've been taking bets all Barney, have a free beer.
Wow! Don't worry, I'm not betting.
What? - Give me that.
- Aw.
I had the greatest gift of all-- a little girl who could pick football and I ruined it.
We're two hours and 45 minutes through the pregame show.
Our guest is Troy McClure whose new sitcom premiers tonight right after the game! Thanks, Bret.
My new show's called Handle With Care.
I playJack Handle, a retired cop who shares an apartment with a retired criminal.
The original odd couple.
I fell in love with the script, Bret and my recent trouble with the I RS sealed the deal.
That's great, Troy.
Ooh! Looks like we're almost ready for the kickoff.
Washington kicks.
Oh, it's a bad kick, way too short.
Buffalo starts in excellent position.
Buffalo's going to win.
Lisa hates me.
What did you bet? My daughter.
What a gambler.
And with the score at the half Buffalo 1 4, Washington 7 it's time for the never-tedious Super Bowl halftime show.
People of Earth, we've come ten billion light-years to bring you this halftime message of peace.
Oh, this sucks.
Come on, snipers, where are you? Bart, who's winning? You-Hate-Dad by a touchdown.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Yay!! Announcer: for halfback Dan Beerdorf.
Duff Dry has won the Duff Bowl.
They wanted it more.
Homer, didn't you say if Duff Dry wins your daughter loves you? Not Duff Dry, Washington.
Okay, okay, they're both great teams.
- Yay! - Yay! Huh? Touchdown, Redskins.
All right, we're back in business.
Well, I'm glad some people could resist the lures of the big game.
I forgot the game! It all comes down to this one play.
If Washington scores, happy fans will be looting and turning over cars in our nation's capital tonight.
Please, please, please.
Touchdown! It is done.
The Washington Redskins win Super Bowl 26! You love Dad.
I suspected as much.
Yes! She loves me, she loves me.
Why are you so happy? You didn't win money.
Money comes and goes, but my daughter and I can go on for eight more years! Come on, Dad! It's beautiful.
Isn't it, though? After I catch my breath can we go home?