The Wild Wild West (1965) s03e14 Episode Script
The Night of the Iron Fist
He's coming now.
Bring him out.
James West? That's right, sheriff.
I'm Noah Petrie, sheriff of Yuma, and this is Count Draja.
Am I so fearful an object, Mr.
West, that I must be trussed up like a fowl? Untruss the prisoner, sheriff.
That wouldn't be a smart thing to do, Mr.
West.
I got the scars to prove it.
Untruss him, sheriff.
Clovis, this glove is damaged.
Yours is a very interesting country, Mr.
West, but there is too much dust, I find.
Mr.
West, where are you taking the count? I rarely make statements.
You'll have to excuse me.
But Let's go, count.
If you'd asked me, I would have replied instantly.
I'm being extradited to Bosnia, my native land, but merely because a new regime has taken power there.
Maybe because your regime made the streets red with the blood of thousands that were slaughtered.
All right to quote you on that? Just say that our state department is answering a request from another government in extraditing the count.
Mr.
West is an optimist.
I will make you a small wager, Mr.
West, that I am out of your custody before we are out of the territory.
You're covered, count.
Clovis, bath and change of linen.
I'm sorry, but the count's gonna have to rough it to Washinton, and I don't have a ticket for you, sir.
This way, count.
Count, according to rumor, you've hidden half a million dollars in gold in this country that reports say you looted from your country's treasury.
I know you've got a job to do, and you've done it.
I'll kill you right here, count.
Let that man go.
This way, count.
Sam, get this box out of here so we can get rolling.
You've gone to some trouble to make it appear I'm still on the train.
May one ask why? I've got my reasons.
You sure you can handle him alone? Yeah, I can handle him.
Thanks.
Okay.
If it isn't too much of a secret, would you mind telling me where we are headed? Back to the train.
The train? You just went to such great pains to avoid it.
We're meeting the train in Buffalo Springs.
That's 100 miles east of here.
I know about the message you got in the cell last night.
Come on.
Get up.
I see.
If you knew there were men prepared to free me, why didn't you arrest them, instead of engaging in this ridiculously elaborate charade? Because I didn't know who sent the message.
There was no point in asking you.
Hold it.
Cigar smoke annoys you? It's not the smoke that bothers me.
It's what's in the tobacco that does.
Don't congratulate yourself, Mr.
West.
You will never get me to Bosnia in irons.
I gave an arm for my country.
I do not intend to let it have my head too.
Hyah! From here on out, we ride.
With these? Well I'm gonna have to try the honor system, I guess.
So much for the honor system, count.
Places, gentlemen.
Curtain going up.
You will raise your hands, please.
Uh, take it easy, Mr.
Draja.
I'm Joe Stark.
The note you got in jail was from me.
At long last.
Train is under your control? Sure is.
You did a job on them all right.
Yeah.
They never even got close to trading lead with you, did they? This is Gabe Kelso, Mr.
Draja.
Count Draja.
Well, anyway, uh, Gabe's a good man.
A trifle oversensitive, no? He would have preferred that I'd be more sporting and wait for them to get ready, perhaps.
Nah, I wouldn't have been in favor of that.
I'm very glad to hear that.
In life, they were not very useful to me.
Dead does not improve them at all.
Get rid of them, huh? Hold up, there.
What's the matter? I'm not sure.
Your horse is lame.
Too bad.
What a pity.
We'll have to detour and go to San Miguel.
Ah.
Come on, mount up on mine.
I'll lead for a while.
Well, count, I'm sorry you had to meet my horse under such circumstances, but, uh, he's really educated.
Well, count.
I'm gonna teach you something called the Tucson Two-Step.
Come on, you.
You two have been of very great help.
You are now going to tell me why.
Why? Because we were hired to do the job.
Ah, money.
And who is your employer? Didn't give me a name, and we didn't ask for any.
Far as we're concerned, it's just a job, is all.
You are not lying to me? Why should we go and do a thing like that? Yeah, why? There is a benighted community called Buffalo Springs.
Do we pass it? Buffalo Springs? Yes.
Yeah, it's in the direction we're heading, all right.
I can't figure out why anyone would be interested in it.
Just a wet spot in the desert, that's all.
Nevertheless, we shall stop there when we get to it.
You will inform the engine driver.
Sure thing.
One thing more.
When you address me, you will address me as Your Excellency.
Okay, Your Excellency.
Quiet.
You stupid lummox! I said quiet! Pa? You make me lose my place, boy, and it's your neck and ears.
You might want to see this, Pa.
I vow.
Howdy.
Howdy.
Got any horses for sale? Hm.
Happens I got a few horses.
Oh, good.
But I'm powerful attached to them.
Yeah, well, I'll pay you top dollar for those horses.
You can take your pick of the lot of them.
Hey, you a lawman? Yup.
That's a pretty flossy-looking prisoner you got there.
Uh, what did you say his name was? Uh, the horses are in there, aren't they? Oh, yeah.
Let me see them? Hey, what did you do to get the law down on you? You shoot somebody? Worse.
They caught me cheating at tiddlywinks.
Now, go quite away.
Hey, Harry! Yo! Get Ben and Cass.
I want to show you something prime.
Hey, come on down here.
Lawman in the barn is talking to Pa.
He's on his way to the pokey.
He's a scary one, ain't he? Sure enough is, especially with that- That red coat on.
Careful.
This cat's real ornery when he's backed into a corner.
Yeah, he may stamp his foot at us.
Go away.
Get over! There you are.
Oh, uh, friend, uh, that, uh, tricked-out prisoner of yours, uh, I got a feeling there's a pair of real slick boots under all that topsoil plastered on him.
Mm-hm.
So? Well, he's done anything to rate a hanging? And then you'd like his boots, huh? Well, a pair of slick boots like his won't be no use to him where he's going.
Maybe you and I can, uh, work out a little deal, huh? This cat's real ornery.
Yeah.
This man's a prisoner.
Stinking savages, I'll kill them all.
Count, why don't you just think of them as high-spirited bullies? Harry's got a mess of cracked ribs.
Yeah, it figures.
Where's that stack of newspapers? Stage and Sports.
It's him.
Hey, I- I knowed I seen that face before.
What is it, Pa? Him.
Count Draja.
The dude the lawman's taking to the pokey.
Yeah, and uh- Uh, that country he stole all that gold from, uh, Bosnia, what- Whatever that means, well, it's offering a reward.
Well, it says so right there.
Oh, I forgot you can't read.
Well, it's offering a reward in dinar.
Five million dinar.
Well, how much is that in real money, Pa? I don't know.
Well, it figures to be plenty.
We'll total it all up exactly after we get that old black Count Draja away from the lawman and turn him in proper.
Well, come on.
Let's go.
Hey, Joe, do we have to share anything with that Mr.
Draja? We'll straighten that out right now.
Uh-uh.
Me and Gabe will handle this.
We want to talk to you, Your Excellency.
Later.
My red queen is in jeopardy.
Now, ain't that a shame? How dare you, you boar.
Shut up and listen, Your Excellency.
What is the meaning of this? It happens we know you had a half million in gold when you left Santa Fe a week ago.
You are insane.
And we know you buried it somewhere between Santa Fe and Apache Pass.
You are both insane.
Well, sure.
The point is, do we get the gold with your cooperating nice and peaceful like? Or do we have to put the screws to you, like turning you over to the federals? Which ain't all bad, because there's a 5 million dinar reward we get for being public-spirited citizens.
I think, perhaps, it is time that we have our little talk, huh? Your guesses are really quite amusing, but they are, after all, only wild guesses.
Yeah, sure.
Like Buffalo Springs, where you buried the gold? Huh? How did you know that? Why else would you be getting off in the middle of nowhere? Ah.
I see.
You two did not figure this out by yourselves.
Nope.
We had help, all right.
Yeah, the Countess Zorana.
You're not gonna deny you know her, I hope.
To do that, I would merely be losing my time, would I not? Yeah, especially since you two had something going one time.
Oh.
So it was she who enlisted your aid to liberate me from Mr.
West, huh? That's right.
Dear Zorana.
I have often wondered whether the years have treated her with kindness.
You'll see for yourself.
We're picking her up right now.
Funny, you sure don't seem too all fired up about meeting an old flame of yours.
Well, I am, actually, gentlemen, of course, but, uh, it's only that it has been so many years since last we met.
I'm afraid that she may have withered with time.
Women do, unfortunately, you see.
Well, uh, why worry about it? Go on and see for yourself.
Of course.
Oh, she is as lovely as ever.
Even lovelier, perhaps.
Completely unchanged.
and, uh, now, perhaps, I, uh- I am wondering Yeah, what? I am wondering if, perhaps with the passage of the years, I may not have changed.
Would it not be strange if she did not recognize me? No, that'd be real funny, wouldn't it? Let's just see whether she will or won't.
No, wait.
What for? Well, I wish to change into another uniform.
The one I wore when I first met the countess.
Yes, she- She would never forgive me if I did not wear that uniform.
Stay with him, Kelso, while I welcome the Queen of Sheba aboard.
Well, is my Draja here? Yeah, he's in there waiting for you on pins and needles.
Oh.
Now, before you go in, there's a little matter of business that we gotta settle.
What? Oh, Lazlo has the money.
Lazlo will drive you and your colleague to the nearest town.
I am most grateful for your efforts on behalf of the count and myself.
Goodbye.
Uh, just a minute, lady.
There's been a change in plan.
What do you mean? Well, me and Kelso got to thinking.
Why should we settle for $5,000 when you and the count got a half a million dollars of gold buried at Buffalo Springs? So you want the money.
Not all of it.
You take the $5,000.
We'll take the half a million.
Now that you know it, let's go explain the deal to the count too.
Pig.
Let go of me, you dirty pig.
Go tell Gabe to bring the count in.
Where is that uniform? I was sure I had kept it.
A powder blue uniform.
There's a countess Zorana waiting for you.
Forget the uniform.
Ding-dang uniform.
Let's get going.
Zorana.
To think I will be seeing her again after all these years.
I, uh, I must take a shave.
Forget it.
There's a lady waiting.
Now move.
Of course.
Draja.
Zorana, my love.
I was afraid you would find the years had changed me.
Changed? Draja, Draja, darling, you're still as handsome as ever.
Oh! Kisses now, and I will scratch your eyes out later.
I got to admit, for a while there me and kelso had a parcel of doubts about you two.
Well, Mr.
West, the charms of this godforsaken country of yours are beginning to wear very, very thin.
Yeah, well, there's, uh, an abandoned shack about 10 miles that way.
We'll make that tonight, and we'll be in Buffalo Springs by noon tomorrow.
Let's go, count.
I have so many scores to settle with you, Mr.
West.
Please don't cheat me by forcing me to shoot you through the head.
Right away, that is.
Now, drop your rifle.
Kick it toward me, and no tricks, please.
Count, there's someone headed this way.
By the sound of it, there are several headed this way.
Spare me your pathetic little tactics, sir.
Them's their horses, Pa.
I recognize the saddle you sold the lawman.
Well, I can see him.
Ben, you and Zack circle around the house.
Let's see can we take them off guard.
A bullet, to begin with, in one of the fleshy, non-vital areas.
Now can you hear it? Another trick.
You will never know how close you came to death just now.
Well, that makes us even, count, because you're pretty close to death right now.
Remember the Garrisons from San Miguel? Well, they're waiting outside.
Waiting for what? Ought to be obvious.
For you.
They must have found out that you have a price on your head.
Kick me that rifle.
You're gonna need my help.
Pa! They got Ben in the leg! Ah, I always said that boy was born under an unlucky star.
Hey, lawman! I'm listening.
We got you surrounded real good.
What do you want? We ain't mad at you.
you just hand over the count.
You can go on your merry way.
Give me a minute to think about it.
I'm losing my patience.
You make up your mind.
Me and the boys are coming in after you.
Don't do that.
Throw them guns out right now.
You're giving up? Where'd he go? Pa.
He's making a break for it.
Let's get them! Draja, my darling, There is still no one who makes savabchichi the way you do.
Well, that is because nobody has you to inspire him, Zorana, my sweet.
You are sweet, Draja, my darling.
Now, who are you? And why are you posing as Count Draja? Did the Bosnia government send you? I will answer that when you tell me why you did not give me away.
Because I am tenderhearted and could not see you killed before my very eyes, which is what they would have done.
I agree, but that is not why you did it.
You're right.
I was confused, and didn't want those pigs to know it.
I needed time to plan, to think.
And to think that after all this time we are together again.
Never to be torn from one another's arms.
What are you doing here? Hm? Uh, Stark said I ought to keep an eye on you two.
Stark said? Excuse me.
Uh, you must forgive him, my darling.
After all, he is nothing but an underling.
Hey, "underling.
" What's that? Why don't you tell him, my sweet? It is someone who is employed by another, as you obviously are by Stark.
Hey, what are you talking about? Me and Joe are partners.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Of course.
Well, we are.
Well, if you say so.
Of course, Stark tells everybody that he is the leader, but, uh, why discuss it? Hey, did Stark tell you he was the boss? Well, did he? I think it can use just a pinch more oregano.
Well, you wait till we get to Buffalo Springs.
I'll show him who's boss.
Hey, Stark wants you.
If he wants me, he knows where he can find me.
I'm not taking orders from him or anybody else.
Stark said right now.
What's eating him? Well, you know, when one is not used to wealth, the thought of making $1 million gets to be a little bit unnerving, huh? What million dollars? You mean Stark and Kelso did not tell you? Tell me what? About the million dollars in gold I had buried at Buffalo Springs.
Sure, but they, uh, said it was a half a million.
A half? Isn't that strange? I think Cal and George better know about this.
I, uh, think our savabchichi is, uh, heating up very nicely, don't you agree, darling? You were telling him that you were the boss.
We've been together five years- I don't care what he says.
It's gonna be the way that we planned it, right? Fifty-fifty, partners.
Huh? Partners.
What are you trying to do, stir up some trouble? I? How could I possibly do that? By telling Gabe that I'm the boss of this outfit.
Oh, are you not? No.
I see.
Well, then, uh, you will not have to show him who is boss as you told me you would when we get to Buffalo Springs.
Did you say that? Well, I might have said something like that, but I- Stark, we want to talk to you.
What about? About a million in gold he buried at Buffalo Springs.
A million? Yeah, a million.
Not $500,000, like you told us.
Did you tell them that? I forgot you asked me not to.
Well, what about it? Uh, boys, now, listen, don't you see what he's trying to do? We see what you're trying to do.
He's just trying to cause trouble, He's gonna get us to, uh, fighting among ourselves.
Now, we're not gonna fall for that, are we? Ah! The savabchichi is boiling.
I know, darling, I know.
And that, as we say, is that.
Is it? I'm ready for anything.
What is it? It's a sandstorm.
What do we do now? We keep moving.
Zack, you and Cass get Ben back to the house.
Abel and me's gonna find that count and the lawman or bust our britches trying.
Come on.
Wait! I can't make it with this! Back.
All right, you lead.
Don't.
It is like a club.
the Shoot Draja Club.
I merely wish a cigar, with the lady's permission.
If I have to sit here and look at your face and that gun pointing at me, I would like to have a cigar.
Uh, the humidor.
You want a cigar so bad, I'll get you one.
Now, sit down.
Relax, Zorana, our troubles are over.
Mine are, anyway, Draja, my darling.
Welcome to the club.
My horse is around here somewhere, but he doesn't ride double.
That means that you're gonna have to walk.
Uh-huh.
The Garrisons.
They've got guns, and we don't.
We're gonna have to make a run for it.
Come on.
You may have to, but I don't.
I have something to offer the Garrisons.
I can bargain with them, make some sort of accommodations, you see, huh? Come on.
Hey, Pa.
Pretty a sight as ever I did see.
Well, the reward says dead or alive.
Hey! Mm? Well, dead.
Storm must have got them.
No.
Now I'll get me them boots.
Oh-! Oh! I gi- I give up! If you do not mind, I would like to get out of this disguise.
It is beginning to itch.
But no tricks.
Of course, dear lady.
Draja.
With a friend.
Really? We'll see.
Just keep on with what you're doing.
To hear is to obey.
A little late, Jim.
What kept you? Well, the sheriff in San Miguel picked up the Garrisons, huh? The marshal at Longhorn Crossing has picked up Kelso, Cal, Roy, and George.
well, that winds up the whole- Who is that? Joe Stark.
I knew I was forgetting something.
Bring him out.
James West? That's right, sheriff.
I'm Noah Petrie, sheriff of Yuma, and this is Count Draja.
Am I so fearful an object, Mr.
West, that I must be trussed up like a fowl? Untruss the prisoner, sheriff.
That wouldn't be a smart thing to do, Mr.
West.
I got the scars to prove it.
Untruss him, sheriff.
Clovis, this glove is damaged.
Yours is a very interesting country, Mr.
West, but there is too much dust, I find.
Mr.
West, where are you taking the count? I rarely make statements.
You'll have to excuse me.
But Let's go, count.
If you'd asked me, I would have replied instantly.
I'm being extradited to Bosnia, my native land, but merely because a new regime has taken power there.
Maybe because your regime made the streets red with the blood of thousands that were slaughtered.
All right to quote you on that? Just say that our state department is answering a request from another government in extraditing the count.
Mr.
West is an optimist.
I will make you a small wager, Mr.
West, that I am out of your custody before we are out of the territory.
You're covered, count.
Clovis, bath and change of linen.
I'm sorry, but the count's gonna have to rough it to Washinton, and I don't have a ticket for you, sir.
This way, count.
Count, according to rumor, you've hidden half a million dollars in gold in this country that reports say you looted from your country's treasury.
I know you've got a job to do, and you've done it.
I'll kill you right here, count.
Let that man go.
This way, count.
Sam, get this box out of here so we can get rolling.
You've gone to some trouble to make it appear I'm still on the train.
May one ask why? I've got my reasons.
You sure you can handle him alone? Yeah, I can handle him.
Thanks.
Okay.
If it isn't too much of a secret, would you mind telling me where we are headed? Back to the train.
The train? You just went to such great pains to avoid it.
We're meeting the train in Buffalo Springs.
That's 100 miles east of here.
I know about the message you got in the cell last night.
Come on.
Get up.
I see.
If you knew there were men prepared to free me, why didn't you arrest them, instead of engaging in this ridiculously elaborate charade? Because I didn't know who sent the message.
There was no point in asking you.
Hold it.
Cigar smoke annoys you? It's not the smoke that bothers me.
It's what's in the tobacco that does.
Don't congratulate yourself, Mr.
West.
You will never get me to Bosnia in irons.
I gave an arm for my country.
I do not intend to let it have my head too.
Hyah! From here on out, we ride.
With these? Well I'm gonna have to try the honor system, I guess.
So much for the honor system, count.
Places, gentlemen.
Curtain going up.
You will raise your hands, please.
Uh, take it easy, Mr.
Draja.
I'm Joe Stark.
The note you got in jail was from me.
At long last.
Train is under your control? Sure is.
You did a job on them all right.
Yeah.
They never even got close to trading lead with you, did they? This is Gabe Kelso, Mr.
Draja.
Count Draja.
Well, anyway, uh, Gabe's a good man.
A trifle oversensitive, no? He would have preferred that I'd be more sporting and wait for them to get ready, perhaps.
Nah, I wouldn't have been in favor of that.
I'm very glad to hear that.
In life, they were not very useful to me.
Dead does not improve them at all.
Get rid of them, huh? Hold up, there.
What's the matter? I'm not sure.
Your horse is lame.
Too bad.
What a pity.
We'll have to detour and go to San Miguel.
Ah.
Come on, mount up on mine.
I'll lead for a while.
Well, count, I'm sorry you had to meet my horse under such circumstances, but, uh, he's really educated.
Well, count.
I'm gonna teach you something called the Tucson Two-Step.
Come on, you.
You two have been of very great help.
You are now going to tell me why.
Why? Because we were hired to do the job.
Ah, money.
And who is your employer? Didn't give me a name, and we didn't ask for any.
Far as we're concerned, it's just a job, is all.
You are not lying to me? Why should we go and do a thing like that? Yeah, why? There is a benighted community called Buffalo Springs.
Do we pass it? Buffalo Springs? Yes.
Yeah, it's in the direction we're heading, all right.
I can't figure out why anyone would be interested in it.
Just a wet spot in the desert, that's all.
Nevertheless, we shall stop there when we get to it.
You will inform the engine driver.
Sure thing.
One thing more.
When you address me, you will address me as Your Excellency.
Okay, Your Excellency.
Quiet.
You stupid lummox! I said quiet! Pa? You make me lose my place, boy, and it's your neck and ears.
You might want to see this, Pa.
I vow.
Howdy.
Howdy.
Got any horses for sale? Hm.
Happens I got a few horses.
Oh, good.
But I'm powerful attached to them.
Yeah, well, I'll pay you top dollar for those horses.
You can take your pick of the lot of them.
Hey, you a lawman? Yup.
That's a pretty flossy-looking prisoner you got there.
Uh, what did you say his name was? Uh, the horses are in there, aren't they? Oh, yeah.
Let me see them? Hey, what did you do to get the law down on you? You shoot somebody? Worse.
They caught me cheating at tiddlywinks.
Now, go quite away.
Hey, Harry! Yo! Get Ben and Cass.
I want to show you something prime.
Hey, come on down here.
Lawman in the barn is talking to Pa.
He's on his way to the pokey.
He's a scary one, ain't he? Sure enough is, especially with that- That red coat on.
Careful.
This cat's real ornery when he's backed into a corner.
Yeah, he may stamp his foot at us.
Go away.
Get over! There you are.
Oh, uh, friend, uh, that, uh, tricked-out prisoner of yours, uh, I got a feeling there's a pair of real slick boots under all that topsoil plastered on him.
Mm-hm.
So? Well, he's done anything to rate a hanging? And then you'd like his boots, huh? Well, a pair of slick boots like his won't be no use to him where he's going.
Maybe you and I can, uh, work out a little deal, huh? This cat's real ornery.
Yeah.
This man's a prisoner.
Stinking savages, I'll kill them all.
Count, why don't you just think of them as high-spirited bullies? Harry's got a mess of cracked ribs.
Yeah, it figures.
Where's that stack of newspapers? Stage and Sports.
It's him.
Hey, I- I knowed I seen that face before.
What is it, Pa? Him.
Count Draja.
The dude the lawman's taking to the pokey.
Yeah, and uh- Uh, that country he stole all that gold from, uh, Bosnia, what- Whatever that means, well, it's offering a reward.
Well, it says so right there.
Oh, I forgot you can't read.
Well, it's offering a reward in dinar.
Five million dinar.
Well, how much is that in real money, Pa? I don't know.
Well, it figures to be plenty.
We'll total it all up exactly after we get that old black Count Draja away from the lawman and turn him in proper.
Well, come on.
Let's go.
Hey, Joe, do we have to share anything with that Mr.
Draja? We'll straighten that out right now.
Uh-uh.
Me and Gabe will handle this.
We want to talk to you, Your Excellency.
Later.
My red queen is in jeopardy.
Now, ain't that a shame? How dare you, you boar.
Shut up and listen, Your Excellency.
What is the meaning of this? It happens we know you had a half million in gold when you left Santa Fe a week ago.
You are insane.
And we know you buried it somewhere between Santa Fe and Apache Pass.
You are both insane.
Well, sure.
The point is, do we get the gold with your cooperating nice and peaceful like? Or do we have to put the screws to you, like turning you over to the federals? Which ain't all bad, because there's a 5 million dinar reward we get for being public-spirited citizens.
I think, perhaps, it is time that we have our little talk, huh? Your guesses are really quite amusing, but they are, after all, only wild guesses.
Yeah, sure.
Like Buffalo Springs, where you buried the gold? Huh? How did you know that? Why else would you be getting off in the middle of nowhere? Ah.
I see.
You two did not figure this out by yourselves.
Nope.
We had help, all right.
Yeah, the Countess Zorana.
You're not gonna deny you know her, I hope.
To do that, I would merely be losing my time, would I not? Yeah, especially since you two had something going one time.
Oh.
So it was she who enlisted your aid to liberate me from Mr.
West, huh? That's right.
Dear Zorana.
I have often wondered whether the years have treated her with kindness.
You'll see for yourself.
We're picking her up right now.
Funny, you sure don't seem too all fired up about meeting an old flame of yours.
Well, I am, actually, gentlemen, of course, but, uh, it's only that it has been so many years since last we met.
I'm afraid that she may have withered with time.
Women do, unfortunately, you see.
Well, uh, why worry about it? Go on and see for yourself.
Of course.
Oh, she is as lovely as ever.
Even lovelier, perhaps.
Completely unchanged.
and, uh, now, perhaps, I, uh- I am wondering Yeah, what? I am wondering if, perhaps with the passage of the years, I may not have changed.
Would it not be strange if she did not recognize me? No, that'd be real funny, wouldn't it? Let's just see whether she will or won't.
No, wait.
What for? Well, I wish to change into another uniform.
The one I wore when I first met the countess.
Yes, she- She would never forgive me if I did not wear that uniform.
Stay with him, Kelso, while I welcome the Queen of Sheba aboard.
Well, is my Draja here? Yeah, he's in there waiting for you on pins and needles.
Oh.
Now, before you go in, there's a little matter of business that we gotta settle.
What? Oh, Lazlo has the money.
Lazlo will drive you and your colleague to the nearest town.
I am most grateful for your efforts on behalf of the count and myself.
Goodbye.
Uh, just a minute, lady.
There's been a change in plan.
What do you mean? Well, me and Kelso got to thinking.
Why should we settle for $5,000 when you and the count got a half a million dollars of gold buried at Buffalo Springs? So you want the money.
Not all of it.
You take the $5,000.
We'll take the half a million.
Now that you know it, let's go explain the deal to the count too.
Pig.
Let go of me, you dirty pig.
Go tell Gabe to bring the count in.
Where is that uniform? I was sure I had kept it.
A powder blue uniform.
There's a countess Zorana waiting for you.
Forget the uniform.
Ding-dang uniform.
Let's get going.
Zorana.
To think I will be seeing her again after all these years.
I, uh, I must take a shave.
Forget it.
There's a lady waiting.
Now move.
Of course.
Draja.
Zorana, my love.
I was afraid you would find the years had changed me.
Changed? Draja, Draja, darling, you're still as handsome as ever.
Oh! Kisses now, and I will scratch your eyes out later.
I got to admit, for a while there me and kelso had a parcel of doubts about you two.
Well, Mr.
West, the charms of this godforsaken country of yours are beginning to wear very, very thin.
Yeah, well, there's, uh, an abandoned shack about 10 miles that way.
We'll make that tonight, and we'll be in Buffalo Springs by noon tomorrow.
Let's go, count.
I have so many scores to settle with you, Mr.
West.
Please don't cheat me by forcing me to shoot you through the head.
Right away, that is.
Now, drop your rifle.
Kick it toward me, and no tricks, please.
Count, there's someone headed this way.
By the sound of it, there are several headed this way.
Spare me your pathetic little tactics, sir.
Them's their horses, Pa.
I recognize the saddle you sold the lawman.
Well, I can see him.
Ben, you and Zack circle around the house.
Let's see can we take them off guard.
A bullet, to begin with, in one of the fleshy, non-vital areas.
Now can you hear it? Another trick.
You will never know how close you came to death just now.
Well, that makes us even, count, because you're pretty close to death right now.
Remember the Garrisons from San Miguel? Well, they're waiting outside.
Waiting for what? Ought to be obvious.
For you.
They must have found out that you have a price on your head.
Kick me that rifle.
You're gonna need my help.
Pa! They got Ben in the leg! Ah, I always said that boy was born under an unlucky star.
Hey, lawman! I'm listening.
We got you surrounded real good.
What do you want? We ain't mad at you.
you just hand over the count.
You can go on your merry way.
Give me a minute to think about it.
I'm losing my patience.
You make up your mind.
Me and the boys are coming in after you.
Don't do that.
Throw them guns out right now.
You're giving up? Where'd he go? Pa.
He's making a break for it.
Let's get them! Draja, my darling, There is still no one who makes savabchichi the way you do.
Well, that is because nobody has you to inspire him, Zorana, my sweet.
You are sweet, Draja, my darling.
Now, who are you? And why are you posing as Count Draja? Did the Bosnia government send you? I will answer that when you tell me why you did not give me away.
Because I am tenderhearted and could not see you killed before my very eyes, which is what they would have done.
I agree, but that is not why you did it.
You're right.
I was confused, and didn't want those pigs to know it.
I needed time to plan, to think.
And to think that after all this time we are together again.
Never to be torn from one another's arms.
What are you doing here? Hm? Uh, Stark said I ought to keep an eye on you two.
Stark said? Excuse me.
Uh, you must forgive him, my darling.
After all, he is nothing but an underling.
Hey, "underling.
" What's that? Why don't you tell him, my sweet? It is someone who is employed by another, as you obviously are by Stark.
Hey, what are you talking about? Me and Joe are partners.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Of course.
Well, we are.
Well, if you say so.
Of course, Stark tells everybody that he is the leader, but, uh, why discuss it? Hey, did Stark tell you he was the boss? Well, did he? I think it can use just a pinch more oregano.
Well, you wait till we get to Buffalo Springs.
I'll show him who's boss.
Hey, Stark wants you.
If he wants me, he knows where he can find me.
I'm not taking orders from him or anybody else.
Stark said right now.
What's eating him? Well, you know, when one is not used to wealth, the thought of making $1 million gets to be a little bit unnerving, huh? What million dollars? You mean Stark and Kelso did not tell you? Tell me what? About the million dollars in gold I had buried at Buffalo Springs.
Sure, but they, uh, said it was a half a million.
A half? Isn't that strange? I think Cal and George better know about this.
I, uh, think our savabchichi is, uh, heating up very nicely, don't you agree, darling? You were telling him that you were the boss.
We've been together five years- I don't care what he says.
It's gonna be the way that we planned it, right? Fifty-fifty, partners.
Huh? Partners.
What are you trying to do, stir up some trouble? I? How could I possibly do that? By telling Gabe that I'm the boss of this outfit.
Oh, are you not? No.
I see.
Well, then, uh, you will not have to show him who is boss as you told me you would when we get to Buffalo Springs.
Did you say that? Well, I might have said something like that, but I- Stark, we want to talk to you.
What about? About a million in gold he buried at Buffalo Springs.
A million? Yeah, a million.
Not $500,000, like you told us.
Did you tell them that? I forgot you asked me not to.
Well, what about it? Uh, boys, now, listen, don't you see what he's trying to do? We see what you're trying to do.
He's just trying to cause trouble, He's gonna get us to, uh, fighting among ourselves.
Now, we're not gonna fall for that, are we? Ah! The savabchichi is boiling.
I know, darling, I know.
And that, as we say, is that.
Is it? I'm ready for anything.
What is it? It's a sandstorm.
What do we do now? We keep moving.
Zack, you and Cass get Ben back to the house.
Abel and me's gonna find that count and the lawman or bust our britches trying.
Come on.
Wait! I can't make it with this! Back.
All right, you lead.
Don't.
It is like a club.
the Shoot Draja Club.
I merely wish a cigar, with the lady's permission.
If I have to sit here and look at your face and that gun pointing at me, I would like to have a cigar.
Uh, the humidor.
You want a cigar so bad, I'll get you one.
Now, sit down.
Relax, Zorana, our troubles are over.
Mine are, anyway, Draja, my darling.
Welcome to the club.
My horse is around here somewhere, but he doesn't ride double.
That means that you're gonna have to walk.
Uh-huh.
The Garrisons.
They've got guns, and we don't.
We're gonna have to make a run for it.
Come on.
You may have to, but I don't.
I have something to offer the Garrisons.
I can bargain with them, make some sort of accommodations, you see, huh? Come on.
Hey, Pa.
Pretty a sight as ever I did see.
Well, the reward says dead or alive.
Hey! Mm? Well, dead.
Storm must have got them.
No.
Now I'll get me them boots.
Oh-! Oh! I gi- I give up! If you do not mind, I would like to get out of this disguise.
It is beginning to itch.
But no tricks.
Of course, dear lady.
Draja.
With a friend.
Really? We'll see.
Just keep on with what you're doing.
To hear is to obey.
A little late, Jim.
What kept you? Well, the sheriff in San Miguel picked up the Garrisons, huh? The marshal at Longhorn Crossing has picked up Kelso, Cal, Roy, and George.
well, that winds up the whole- Who is that? Joe Stark.
I knew I was forgetting something.