Two and a Half Men s03e14 Episode Script
Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
This is such a beautiful sunset.
Thanks.
Thanks? You're taking credit for the sunset? No, not Not the sunset per se.
But I did buy a house on the beach so we can stand here and watch the sunset so thanks.
Your house works with a lot of women, doesn't it? Honestly, it's like a G-spot with two mortgages.
Just so you know, I'm not with you for your house or your money.
So it's the car.
Why would I care about your car? It's an $80,000 Mercedes.
Yeah, so? What does it do that other cars don't do? It costs $80,000.
Hey, I almost forgot.
I have something for you.
Charlie, you don't have to buy me expensive jewelry.
Okay, nothing but cheap crap from now on.
It's beautiful.
Read the inscription.
"One month, two weeks, four days.
" What does it mean? Well, since we decided to go ahead and consummate our relationship finally I thought I should honor the time we've already spent together.
Exclusively.
In a committed relationship.
Without any sex whatsoever.
So unless we have sex before midnight you're gonna need to buy a new bracelet? You're pretty sure of yourself.
Well, since you went to all the trouble to engrave it Don't even ask what I used as a chisel.
- Kandi.
- Hello, Alan.
Is Charlie available? Because I wish to speak with him.
Okay, why don't you just wait here and I'll let him know.
I would be immensely appreciative if you would.
Alrighty.
What the hell does this mean? - I was sending you a message.
- What? That you're a woman trapped in a man's body? - Kandi's here.
- And you want me to call you Kandi? No, Kandi, the girl you were seeing before Mia.
She's been calling here for days.
It's time you let her know you're with another woman.
Yeah, Charlie, after all it's been "one month, two weeks, four days.
" Did you know that Alan's a woman trapped in a man's body? So you gonna go talk to your ex-girlfriend? Okay, first of all, sweetheart she's not really an ex-girlfriend.
Her name's Kandi.
Thanks, Alan.
With a K.
- Alan.
- And an I.
So if Kandi with a K and an I isn't your ex-girlfriend, then what is she? Well, I I I would say she's more of a person who would drop by from time to time and Yeah, that.
Why haven't you told this person that you're in a relationship? Her name's Kandi.
Boy, you're on thin ice.
I think we both know why you didn't tell her.
Well, if that's the case, then this discussion is moot.
We should go upstairs while Alan goes back and lies about my whereabouts.
Well, I'm not half the liar you are, but I'll give it a shot.
Shall we go upstairs and continue this conversation? Are you out of your freaking mind? Okay, you're mad, I get that.
- So? - Well, Kandi, it's like this.
Charlie's with another woman.
Don't lie to me, Alan.
Okay.
He's in Africa working as a scrub nurse for Doctors Without Borders.
Story of my life.
That's the story of your life? It's not always a scrub nurse but it's always Africa.
Before you say anything, I want you to know I've anticipated problems like this.
Look on the other side of the bracelet.
"I'm very, very sorry.
" Problem is, Charlie, that you don't believe in this relationship.
Not believe in it? It's kept me from having sex for over six weeks.
It would be like not believing in a serious groin pull.
- You know what Kandi is? - I try not to judge.
She's a lifeboat.
You're keeping a lifeboat for when this ship sinks.
Hey, hey, hey, lifeboats don't mean you expect the ship to sink.
The relationship, if I may.
What they mean is that you have a healthy respect for the power of the sea.
Are you listening to yourself? Y eah, I just caught the last part.
Not well thought out.
No.
All my life guys have looked at me like I'm just some kind of sex toy.
Well, they're wrong.
Yeah, just because you're good at something doesn't mean you should be pigeonholed.
And the only reason I'm so good at it is because I practice.
Of course, all the practice in the world isn't gonna help if you don't love what you're doing.
What do you want me to do, Mia? Call every woman I've known to announce I'm now in a relationship? Hi, Shirley, this is Charlie Harper.
We met at Disneyland about 22 years ago.
Yeah, Mr.
Toad's Wild Ride.
That was me.
Anyway, I thought you should know I have a girlfriend now.
So I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me.
Okay, bye-bye.
Well, that takes care of Shirley.
Now, what about Kandi? You want me to tell her? Fine.
I'll tell her.
I'll go tell her right now.
But before I cut her loose completely let me float a crazy idea by you.
Sort of a win, win, win.
Are you out of your freaking mind? It was worth a shot.
Kandi, before you say anything, I want you to know I'm in a committed relationship now and I'm really in love with this woman.
She's the best thing that's happened to me and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
Now, sweetheart.
Don't cry.
I'm sure you'll find someone else.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
What? I thought we were going upstairs.
Okay, you're still mad.
I get that.
- I made your bed.
- Thank you.
It's been real easy lately.
How nice for you.
You haven't even been flying solo, have you? That's a little personal.
Hey, you want privacy, wash your own sheets.
Once I get my mitts on them, they're in the public domain.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
- How did it go with Mia last night? - Based on his laundry, not well.
- Why don't you tell the neighbors? - Where do you think I'm going? By the way, thanks for getting rid of Kandi for me.
Hey, I'm your brother.
I got your back.
Good to know.
Hey, as long as we're on the subject, I was wondering.
Since you're swimming in Lake Monogamy, as it were would you mind if I, you know - asked Kandi out sometime? - Go for it.
- Just wanted to make sure you're okay.
- I'm fine.
- Don't want you to feel weird.
- Thanks for your consideration.
Morning, Huggy Bear.
So, Kandi, wanna go out sometime? Okay, I want you to know I tracked down Kandi.
I told her to move on and she has.
So I got no lifeboats, no life preservers, no water wings.
If the ship goes down, I'm going down with it.
So there's no longer any reason to put off you and me getting naked.
Charlie, I'd like you to meet my parents.
Hello.
What if Dad says I could stay up to watch it? He won't.
How do you know? Your father and I talk, so don't try to play us against each other.
I gotta try, it's what I do.
Hi.
Hello.
Is Alan here? Father Huggy Bear.
Yes, my child? - You've got company.
- Alan? - Stall them, stall them, stall them.
- Okay.
You must be Jake.
And you must be Jake's grandma.
Judith, hi.
Go watch some cartoons.
- Okay.
- Cool.
- Are you proud of yourself? - What do you mean? Oh, please, she has to be half your age.
Oh, that.
Yeah, I am pretty proud of that.
What could you possibly have in common? - What do you talk about? - Talk? T o tell you the truth, we haven't really done a lot of talking.
I mean, I did hear her confession.
She's been a very bad girl.
I'm supposed to leave Jake here? What kind of message does that send him? I don't know.
Dreams can come true.
Life is beautiful.
There is a God.
Hey, Judith.
Father.
I suppose you're the one that introduced Alan to that slutty little Don't say it, Judith.
You'll just be demeaning all women.
And yes.
Figures.
Well, I don't want her around my son.
Oh, really? So do I get to screen the men that you're dating? Let's not forget about the guy who delivered the truckload of sod.
- What about him? - It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.
Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.
I'm not gonna dignify that with a response.
Watch out for crab grass.
So, what's Kandi, a nun? Catholic school girl.
Oh, excellent choice.
Oh, hey, how? How are things with Mia? Not bad.
She forgives me.
Introduced me to her parents.
Oh, yeah? How did that go? Well, you know, those things are always awkward.
The big news is I'm taking Mia to the Bel Air Hotel tonight where we will express our love in the way that we were meant to.
- Drunk and in a hurry? - You got it.
- How's the caviar? - It's perfect.
Everything's perfect.
- Would you like a fire? - Don't go to any trouble.
It's no trouble.
Luckily I was a Boy Scout in Beverly Hills.
- Champagne? - No, thanks.
I wanna be completely present for the first time we make love.
Good for you.
Don't you want to be present? Well, within reason.
Come on.
What do you say we save the champagne? But I already opened it.
Do you need alcohol to make love to me? No, no.
I don't need it.
Well, then.
Is something wrong? I don't know.
I mean, we didn't hop into bed on the first date.
We've gotten to know each other.
We're not drinking.
It's all so new to me.
That's what makes it special.
I just don't want either of us to be disappointed because one of us might not be throwing their A-game tonight.
- Are you nervous? - No, no.
Of course not.
But, you know, of the two of us, only one can fake an A-game.
There's nothing that you could do to disappoint me tonight.
No, no, it's what I can't do that might disappoint you.
You just relax.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Why don't you put some music on? Okay.
- Should I ask? - I wish you wouldn't.
I'm not supposed to play this because my mom says it's too violent.
It has to be violent.
You can't negotiate with zombies.
- Don't tell me, tell her.
- I don't think she likes me.
She doesn't really like anybody.
Except the guy who keeps putting grass in our backyard.
Okay, time for bed.
- Just a little longer.
- I'm not sleepy.
No, him.
I get to stay up.
- That's not fair.
- Jake.
Just because she's a girl.
- Wanna play? - Oh, no, thanks.
I I thought maybe we could just talk.
Hang on.
Let me just saw off this zombie's head.
Good Lord.
There we go.
Now, let me save my work.
Okay, all done.
Wanna have sex? Actually, I do.
But maybe we could spend a little time getting to know each other first.
All right.
What do you wanna know? Well, do you have any brothers or sisters? I do not.
How about you? Well, Charlie.
Oh, right, Charlie.
- Do you like to read? - Oh, yeah, I love reading.
Oh, great, great, me too.
Read anything good lately? You mean like books and magazines not billboards and text messages, right? - Yeah.
- Then, no.
Do menus count? Are you ready for me? Mia, if I were any more ready, I'd be done.
Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
You okay? - I think so.
- Are you sure? Yeah, I'm fine.
Are you okay? - Are you okay? - Yeah.
But I think that's enough foreplay.
You see, the thing for me was that I never should have gotten married.
I was young, I didn't know who I was.
And to be completely honest, I was just afraid of being alone.
Can I share something with you? Y es, please.
This is communicating, this is how we connect.
You shouldn't tell people that stuff, it makes you sound like a loser.
No, it makes me sound like a real human being.
A person with feelings and flaws.
Loser.
- Why don't we just go have sex? - Finally.
Oh, cheer up.
It wasn't that bad.
There were parts of it that I liked.
Can we please not go over the game film now? - What's the big deal? - What's the big deal? This is supposed to be the part that I'm good at.
You are.
It was fine.
I don't wanna hear fine.
I wanna see the top of your head blow off.
It's not a carnival game.
The object is not to swing your mallet and ring my bell.
Well, we disagree.
That's just your ego talking.
Charlie, listen to me.
I love you, not your money or car or your house or your skills in bed.
What's left? - Charlie.
- Oh, come on.
Come on.
You're saying that if I was some pencil-weenie guy living in a shack and taking the bus to my job selling oranges on the freeway off-ramp - you'd still love me? - Yes, I would still love you.
- Okay, I understand now.
- Good.
You're insane.
Why? Because I love the real you? No, no, because you think there is a real me.
Would you believe I love you if my eyes had rolled back and my head had blown off? It would be a start.
All right.
I guess we're just gonna have to try again.
Hang on.
Hang on.
How am I gonna know you're not faking it? If I was gonna fake it, don't you think I would have done it the first time? Fair enough.
- Hey, wanna hear something amusing? - Always.
According to my girlfriend underneath all the superficial, cool stuff in my life there's actually a real me.
- No kidding? - Apparently, he's quite a guy.
I'd like to meet him sometime.
Don't hold your breath.
My girlfriend, on the other hand, has no idea who I really am damn little desire to find out and is only interested in riding me like a mustang and draining me of all bodily fluids.
How do you feel about that? I think I love her.
You know what love isn't blind, it's retarded.
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Thanks.
Thanks? You're taking credit for the sunset? No, not Not the sunset per se.
But I did buy a house on the beach so we can stand here and watch the sunset so thanks.
Your house works with a lot of women, doesn't it? Honestly, it's like a G-spot with two mortgages.
Just so you know, I'm not with you for your house or your money.
So it's the car.
Why would I care about your car? It's an $80,000 Mercedes.
Yeah, so? What does it do that other cars don't do? It costs $80,000.
Hey, I almost forgot.
I have something for you.
Charlie, you don't have to buy me expensive jewelry.
Okay, nothing but cheap crap from now on.
It's beautiful.
Read the inscription.
"One month, two weeks, four days.
" What does it mean? Well, since we decided to go ahead and consummate our relationship finally I thought I should honor the time we've already spent together.
Exclusively.
In a committed relationship.
Without any sex whatsoever.
So unless we have sex before midnight you're gonna need to buy a new bracelet? You're pretty sure of yourself.
Well, since you went to all the trouble to engrave it Don't even ask what I used as a chisel.
- Kandi.
- Hello, Alan.
Is Charlie available? Because I wish to speak with him.
Okay, why don't you just wait here and I'll let him know.
I would be immensely appreciative if you would.
Alrighty.
What the hell does this mean? - I was sending you a message.
- What? That you're a woman trapped in a man's body? - Kandi's here.
- And you want me to call you Kandi? No, Kandi, the girl you were seeing before Mia.
She's been calling here for days.
It's time you let her know you're with another woman.
Yeah, Charlie, after all it's been "one month, two weeks, four days.
" Did you know that Alan's a woman trapped in a man's body? So you gonna go talk to your ex-girlfriend? Okay, first of all, sweetheart she's not really an ex-girlfriend.
Her name's Kandi.
Thanks, Alan.
With a K.
- Alan.
- And an I.
So if Kandi with a K and an I isn't your ex-girlfriend, then what is she? Well, I I I would say she's more of a person who would drop by from time to time and Yeah, that.
Why haven't you told this person that you're in a relationship? Her name's Kandi.
Boy, you're on thin ice.
I think we both know why you didn't tell her.
Well, if that's the case, then this discussion is moot.
We should go upstairs while Alan goes back and lies about my whereabouts.
Well, I'm not half the liar you are, but I'll give it a shot.
Shall we go upstairs and continue this conversation? Are you out of your freaking mind? Okay, you're mad, I get that.
- So? - Well, Kandi, it's like this.
Charlie's with another woman.
Don't lie to me, Alan.
Okay.
He's in Africa working as a scrub nurse for Doctors Without Borders.
Story of my life.
That's the story of your life? It's not always a scrub nurse but it's always Africa.
Before you say anything, I want you to know I've anticipated problems like this.
Look on the other side of the bracelet.
"I'm very, very sorry.
" Problem is, Charlie, that you don't believe in this relationship.
Not believe in it? It's kept me from having sex for over six weeks.
It would be like not believing in a serious groin pull.
- You know what Kandi is? - I try not to judge.
She's a lifeboat.
You're keeping a lifeboat for when this ship sinks.
Hey, hey, hey, lifeboats don't mean you expect the ship to sink.
The relationship, if I may.
What they mean is that you have a healthy respect for the power of the sea.
Are you listening to yourself? Y eah, I just caught the last part.
Not well thought out.
No.
All my life guys have looked at me like I'm just some kind of sex toy.
Well, they're wrong.
Yeah, just because you're good at something doesn't mean you should be pigeonholed.
And the only reason I'm so good at it is because I practice.
Of course, all the practice in the world isn't gonna help if you don't love what you're doing.
What do you want me to do, Mia? Call every woman I've known to announce I'm now in a relationship? Hi, Shirley, this is Charlie Harper.
We met at Disneyland about 22 years ago.
Yeah, Mr.
Toad's Wild Ride.
That was me.
Anyway, I thought you should know I have a girlfriend now.
So I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me.
Okay, bye-bye.
Well, that takes care of Shirley.
Now, what about Kandi? You want me to tell her? Fine.
I'll tell her.
I'll go tell her right now.
But before I cut her loose completely let me float a crazy idea by you.
Sort of a win, win, win.
Are you out of your freaking mind? It was worth a shot.
Kandi, before you say anything, I want you to know I'm in a committed relationship now and I'm really in love with this woman.
She's the best thing that's happened to me and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
Now, sweetheart.
Don't cry.
I'm sure you'll find someone else.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
What? I thought we were going upstairs.
Okay, you're still mad.
I get that.
- I made your bed.
- Thank you.
It's been real easy lately.
How nice for you.
You haven't even been flying solo, have you? That's a little personal.
Hey, you want privacy, wash your own sheets.
Once I get my mitts on them, they're in the public domain.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
- How did it go with Mia last night? - Based on his laundry, not well.
- Why don't you tell the neighbors? - Where do you think I'm going? By the way, thanks for getting rid of Kandi for me.
Hey, I'm your brother.
I got your back.
Good to know.
Hey, as long as we're on the subject, I was wondering.
Since you're swimming in Lake Monogamy, as it were would you mind if I, you know - asked Kandi out sometime? - Go for it.
- Just wanted to make sure you're okay.
- I'm fine.
- Don't want you to feel weird.
- Thanks for your consideration.
Morning, Huggy Bear.
So, Kandi, wanna go out sometime? Okay, I want you to know I tracked down Kandi.
I told her to move on and she has.
So I got no lifeboats, no life preservers, no water wings.
If the ship goes down, I'm going down with it.
So there's no longer any reason to put off you and me getting naked.
Charlie, I'd like you to meet my parents.
Hello.
What if Dad says I could stay up to watch it? He won't.
How do you know? Your father and I talk, so don't try to play us against each other.
I gotta try, it's what I do.
Hi.
Hello.
Is Alan here? Father Huggy Bear.
Yes, my child? - You've got company.
- Alan? - Stall them, stall them, stall them.
- Okay.
You must be Jake.
And you must be Jake's grandma.
Judith, hi.
Go watch some cartoons.
- Okay.
- Cool.
- Are you proud of yourself? - What do you mean? Oh, please, she has to be half your age.
Oh, that.
Yeah, I am pretty proud of that.
What could you possibly have in common? - What do you talk about? - Talk? T o tell you the truth, we haven't really done a lot of talking.
I mean, I did hear her confession.
She's been a very bad girl.
I'm supposed to leave Jake here? What kind of message does that send him? I don't know.
Dreams can come true.
Life is beautiful.
There is a God.
Hey, Judith.
Father.
I suppose you're the one that introduced Alan to that slutty little Don't say it, Judith.
You'll just be demeaning all women.
And yes.
Figures.
Well, I don't want her around my son.
Oh, really? So do I get to screen the men that you're dating? Let's not forget about the guy who delivered the truckload of sod.
- What about him? - It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.
Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.
I'm not gonna dignify that with a response.
Watch out for crab grass.
So, what's Kandi, a nun? Catholic school girl.
Oh, excellent choice.
Oh, hey, how? How are things with Mia? Not bad.
She forgives me.
Introduced me to her parents.
Oh, yeah? How did that go? Well, you know, those things are always awkward.
The big news is I'm taking Mia to the Bel Air Hotel tonight where we will express our love in the way that we were meant to.
- Drunk and in a hurry? - You got it.
- How's the caviar? - It's perfect.
Everything's perfect.
- Would you like a fire? - Don't go to any trouble.
It's no trouble.
Luckily I was a Boy Scout in Beverly Hills.
- Champagne? - No, thanks.
I wanna be completely present for the first time we make love.
Good for you.
Don't you want to be present? Well, within reason.
Come on.
What do you say we save the champagne? But I already opened it.
Do you need alcohol to make love to me? No, no.
I don't need it.
Well, then.
Is something wrong? I don't know.
I mean, we didn't hop into bed on the first date.
We've gotten to know each other.
We're not drinking.
It's all so new to me.
That's what makes it special.
I just don't want either of us to be disappointed because one of us might not be throwing their A-game tonight.
- Are you nervous? - No, no.
Of course not.
But, you know, of the two of us, only one can fake an A-game.
There's nothing that you could do to disappoint me tonight.
No, no, it's what I can't do that might disappoint you.
You just relax.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Why don't you put some music on? Okay.
- Should I ask? - I wish you wouldn't.
I'm not supposed to play this because my mom says it's too violent.
It has to be violent.
You can't negotiate with zombies.
- Don't tell me, tell her.
- I don't think she likes me.
She doesn't really like anybody.
Except the guy who keeps putting grass in our backyard.
Okay, time for bed.
- Just a little longer.
- I'm not sleepy.
No, him.
I get to stay up.
- That's not fair.
- Jake.
Just because she's a girl.
- Wanna play? - Oh, no, thanks.
I I thought maybe we could just talk.
Hang on.
Let me just saw off this zombie's head.
Good Lord.
There we go.
Now, let me save my work.
Okay, all done.
Wanna have sex? Actually, I do.
But maybe we could spend a little time getting to know each other first.
All right.
What do you wanna know? Well, do you have any brothers or sisters? I do not.
How about you? Well, Charlie.
Oh, right, Charlie.
- Do you like to read? - Oh, yeah, I love reading.
Oh, great, great, me too.
Read anything good lately? You mean like books and magazines not billboards and text messages, right? - Yeah.
- Then, no.
Do menus count? Are you ready for me? Mia, if I were any more ready, I'd be done.
Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
You okay? - I think so.
- Are you sure? Yeah, I'm fine.
Are you okay? - Are you okay? - Yeah.
But I think that's enough foreplay.
You see, the thing for me was that I never should have gotten married.
I was young, I didn't know who I was.
And to be completely honest, I was just afraid of being alone.
Can I share something with you? Y es, please.
This is communicating, this is how we connect.
You shouldn't tell people that stuff, it makes you sound like a loser.
No, it makes me sound like a real human being.
A person with feelings and flaws.
Loser.
- Why don't we just go have sex? - Finally.
Oh, cheer up.
It wasn't that bad.
There were parts of it that I liked.
Can we please not go over the game film now? - What's the big deal? - What's the big deal? This is supposed to be the part that I'm good at.
You are.
It was fine.
I don't wanna hear fine.
I wanna see the top of your head blow off.
It's not a carnival game.
The object is not to swing your mallet and ring my bell.
Well, we disagree.
That's just your ego talking.
Charlie, listen to me.
I love you, not your money or car or your house or your skills in bed.
What's left? - Charlie.
- Oh, come on.
Come on.
You're saying that if I was some pencil-weenie guy living in a shack and taking the bus to my job selling oranges on the freeway off-ramp - you'd still love me? - Yes, I would still love you.
- Okay, I understand now.
- Good.
You're insane.
Why? Because I love the real you? No, no, because you think there is a real me.
Would you believe I love you if my eyes had rolled back and my head had blown off? It would be a start.
All right.
I guess we're just gonna have to try again.
Hang on.
Hang on.
How am I gonna know you're not faking it? If I was gonna fake it, don't you think I would have done it the first time? Fair enough.
- Hey, wanna hear something amusing? - Always.
According to my girlfriend underneath all the superficial, cool stuff in my life there's actually a real me.
- No kidding? - Apparently, he's quite a guy.
I'd like to meet him sometime.
Don't hold your breath.
My girlfriend, on the other hand, has no idea who I really am damn little desire to find out and is only interested in riding me like a mustang and draining me of all bodily fluids.
How do you feel about that? I think I love her.
You know what love isn't blind, it's retarded.
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