Workaholics s03e14 Episode Script

You're a punk bitch, 26! Kill yourself, 26! Oh, come on, number 26, you fat piece of dog crap! Ride the pine, 26! Park that ass! Hey, can you guys, uh, just quiet that down, please? Totally.
We'll be respectful.
Wipe the butt lube off your hands, 26! Hey! No, actually, I mean stop it! Okay? That's my son.
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
Sorry about that.
We didn't know.
- All right, no sweat.
- Let's go, 26! - Let's go, 26! - Whoo! 26! You're not a total failure.
Don't listen to everyone! - Keep it moving.
- If only he didn't get tackled.
- That's what I would have done.
- Oh, there he is! My nephew Billy has the ball.
Billy has the ball! Go Billy! Ohh! - Yes! - Holy cow! That kid is a jock! Love to see what he could do in the pool.
- I bet he's got great waltz.
- Yeah.
All these kids, they're just children out there.
A lot of them probably haven't even sprouted pubes.
Put me in I'm a real man.
I've got a very dense bush.
Man, look at that visor.
That thing's rad-ass.
He looks like cobra commander.
His touchdown dance is a little weak.
What I would do, if I ever actually played football, is I'd do the dance before the play even started.
Let 'em know what's up.
Just a little - Right.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Very fun dance.
- Timberlake.
- I like it.
Um, it's kind of stupid to do it before the play, 'cause then the opponent knows that you're gonna get the ball.
I bet you $100 I would still be able to score.
I don't bet, so - I bet you do.
- I bet I - nice try.
- Yeah, I got you, dude.
I used to be a major player in the gambling world, - all right? - Mm.
- I lost everything.
- Hmm.
Including my mind.
Haven't gambled since.
No, I remember that.
You lost, like, 80 bucks.
It was money your grandma gave you for your birthday.
No, but she had to cancel her subscription from cable for a month.
Sometimes, when you're a grandma, a month's all you got.
Wanna make that 80 bucks back? - It's the fat kid! - Oh, you turded in our pool.
Yeah, that's right, you fucking losers.
All those things are true.
- Okay.
- And just so you know, any and all betting at RC South goes through us.
How about it? You boys looking for some action? In the back section? No.
Thank you.
I'll pass.
I'm not into sex with strange dudes.
What the what are you talking about? I'll bet you 20 bucks that our boy Billy Belk scores the next touchdown.
Billy scores a lot of touchdowns.
All right? You have to give me odds.
Okay, sure.
We'll take evens.
No.
You sound like an idiot.
Look, if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it right.
We'll double the money and take two-to-one odds on our prop.
Let's keep that vig under 100.
- 10 - I'm at 85.
If you got 85, that's a good bet.
Dude, that's a good bet.
I'd take that all day.
All right.
All right! Oh! Oh, see that? Yeah! - There he goes! - There he goes! - Keep goin'! - Oh, my God! I want that.
Thanks, man.
- Nice playing.
- All right.
Hey, boys Let's make it rain.
These guys are gonna be easy money.
- Totally.
- Yeah.
I mean, come on, spray it, guys.
Come on.
What are you crazy? Yo.
Yo, that dude's using the short urinal.
He must have a short dick! Uh, no, this is just the available urinal, so I'm using it.
Yeah, available to anyone with a little dick.
No.
If anything, it's for a larger penis, because it has more room to droop and it doesn't have to rest on a urinal cake.
No, man, I think I saw it when you whipped it out.
It was small and looked like a cocktail shrimp.
I didn't even have it out all the way.
That was just the tip of the iceberg, as they say.
Hey, hey, can I borrow your dick? I need to get something out of my teeth.
"Dicks, dicks, dicks.
We're in high school, all we talk about's dicks.
" News flash dicks, we all got 'em, if we're boys.
- That was cool, dude.
- Yeah.
We should, like, gamble all the time start a casino.
Who's, like, the most indianest of us all? No, dude, we we can't, all right? Yes, we made it rain combos, which we've been talking about doing for years.
But We're done, all right? Finished.
Okay? - I guess.
- What's up, guys? - Oh! Hey, Billy.
- Yo.
- Billy Belk.
- Hey.
That was a great game.
These are my work homies, so What's up, homey? Hot chick, bro.
- Yeah? - Reminds of the days I almost hooked up with chicks like that, back when I almost played football.
I was, like, too busy mascotting, so I was like it took up all my time.
Yeah, she's okay, I guess.
Gives a decent blowj, but don't they all? - Tsh.
- Oh, right? - That's cool.
- "Blowj" means "blow job.
" So anyway, it's like I always say.
I'm all about bangin' [bleep.]
, suckin' [bleep.]
, and takin' [bleep.]
.
Those are honestly, like, my three favorite things.
That's cool that you're always saying that.
Yeah, man, I know exactly where the [bleep.]
iqs, and when I get there, what to do with it.
Yeah.
Seriously, though, I'm so jealous of you guys.
Slayin' mad older box all the time Oh, yeah.
These immature high school bitches won't give it up unless you're their boyfriend, so I gotta settle for blowjes.
Ohh, that aw, man, that must Suck.
Girls can't even fit my wiener in their mouth.
Yeah, yeah, my dick's so big, it has a ribcage.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, I got a huge - huge one.
- Hell yeah.
- You've never said that before.
- Uncontested.
Cool, dude.
Sorry to interrupt.
Just wanted to give you gentlemen my card, in case you care to make any more wagers.
Look, I love a good card, but We're done, so see ya.
Take it.
You never know.
Whoa! What is this, God Of War? Ascension, it's God Of War: Ascension.
It's like, uh, like French Canadian.
Like, "eh," that's the Canadian part.
And then "cension.
" Guys, I've got great news! This is insane.
Tanya Michaels, the point guard for RC South lady wolves according to her relationship status, she's now single.
- She's really good too.
- Yeah.
Which is gonna be messing with her mental game.
She's gonna be totally boy crazy all over the place.
Also, Kevin Slater just tweeted, "midnight tacos tonight.
#yummy.
" - Yeah, they are good.
- Guys, that's crazy! He's supposed to wrestle tomorrow.
He's not gonna be able to wrestle - if he's got #diarrhea.
- "Hashtag.
" That's a pound sign.
That's, like, a Twitter thing.
All right, Ders, why are you even bothering with stupid high school kids? Internet stalking? Come on.
- That's beneath you.
- We're not stalk pause the game for a second.
Guys, I'm looking for an edge right now.
I got a system that's already yielded six positive expectation wagers, and that's that's a real thing.
Ugh, these high school football players have boy bodies I'd destroy them.
I have a man body.
I'm borderline dad body.
I have shoulder hairs.
Actually, I found a gray one the other day.
Ders, you quit gambling 'cause you lost all your money.
Why would you go back? Those were scratch-offs.
Okay? Those are random.
You just scratch.
You don't know what you're gonna get! - You don't know.
- This is high school sports.
He knows.
I'm a former high school athlete, guys.
Yeah, you were good.
You sort of peaked in high school.
Oh, man, didn't we all, though? Yeah.
Yeah, we did.
Here they come.
Yo! Didn't think I'd hear from you so soon.
Bet you did.
Well played.
Check it out.
My man! Ohh! Ohh! Hey, toothpick! I'm the number one but I ain't trying to be that number I'm just here to beat it up I just came to lay the law, my girl I'm all about my cheese I'm talkin' 'bout the karma I don't want no baby mama I don't want that kind of drama, nah number one, I ain't trying to be that number, girl I'm here to beat it up I just came to lay the law, my girl I'm all about my cheese I'm talkin' 'bout the karma I don't want no baby mama I don't want that kind of drama, nah He doesn't have the balls to grab titties.
Respect yourself.
- Whoo! - Whoo! - Whoo! - Whoo! - Whoo! - Whatever.
Great, we just lost all our money.
There goes my iguana fund.
Well, boys, it was a pleasure doing business with you.
Wait.
Oh, wait, wait.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Let's go double or nothing, just so we can break even.
You don't have anything to bet.
Yes, I do.
I'm willing to bet my 'Vo on the homecoming game.
RC South is gonna run away with it, okay? North can't stop belly Belk.
- Plus, your car sucks, so - My car sucks? Oh - Yeah.
- Sucks.
- It does.
- Well, yeah? What if we bet for RC South to lose? - What? - Yeah.
You're betting against Billy Belk? He's he's, uh, overrated.
- Wow.
- I think we do it.
Ders has a bet.
All right! All right, yeah! - Okay, cool.
- It's all fun.
- Enjoy.
- See you at the bet! - Yeah.
- See you guys at the bet.
Are you crazy? - You're betting against Billy.
- Yeah.
Because we're gonna get Billy so drunk tonight that he's not even gonna be able to show up to the game tomorrow.
- Ohh.
- Right, yeah.
Billy, Jilly! What's up? - 'sup, boner.
- Ha ha, no.
You'd be able to tell.
What's up, erection? I don't have an erection, Jillian.
Oh, Blake, I don't want Billy drinking too much before the game tomorrow, okay? - Oh, yeah, me neither.
- Shut up! God, no wonder you have cats instead of kids.
Go wait outside until I'm ready to leave.
Cats are kids.
"Kiddens.
" Billy! What up? What's up, man? Buh-buh-Billy boy! What it is, what it is, what it should be.
Did you bring some Jimmy hats, my main man? - Hell, no! - Oh, yes, nice.
- Whoa.
- No fear, I like that.
I also like the clothing company.
I have a shirt.
I'll give it to you.
- "Second place, first loser.
" - Strong shirt.
Okay, all right, what the hell are you guys talking about? Where are the chicks? You guys promised me I'd get to to completion tonight.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
They're coming, and, uh, to put it in laid-man's terms, he's gettin' laid, man.
Yeah, man! Whoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo! All right, it's time for you to meet our buddy, tubba [bleep.]
.
It's cool, 'cause it'll make your brain all relaxed, right? But your heart It might explode.
We bought, like, 800 cans when we found out they made it illegal.
It killed 14 kids in West Virginia.
- No joke.
- Mm-hmm.
- Heart attacks.
- I'm ready.
Yeah, we got a tub of it.
Here's to no more blowjes and real sex! Do it, drink, drink don't want no juice, no juice a splash of grape drink with my grey goose help me get looser drink, drink, don't want no juice no juice, a splash of grape drink - Beat that tub! - What? - Beat that tub! - What? Top shelf vodka, I can't stop her a night at the opera, nothing but drama she took a drink and another, drink and another now she lit, up and now I gotta babysit I was trying to take her out, take her home and hit she was cute, I was trying to just get some love she wanna pick a fight with some chick in the club I gotta break it up, break it up gotta break it up, break it up sugar water purple, sugar water purple - alcohol - uh-huh, uh-huh - Whoo! - No! It's part of the game.
[Bleep.]
! Son of a bitch! - This is my guy.
- Yeah! - This is my guy.
- Whoo! I mean, like, what do you say to these girls to get you to blowj them? I mean, I know what I'd say, but I wanna hear it from, like, another poon master.
I'll say anything to get the mouth.
And, like, you're not scared, right? I mean, there's nothing to be scared of? Scared of what? I heard this story about this girl whose [bleep.]
Had like a fingernail, and this guy's tongue got yeah, I heard about that.
Sliced open.
What's with you dudes? Where's the 'tang? I need to shoot the silk milk before our big game.
- Empty the nuts! - Yeah.
- Empty nu yeah.
- We know.
I'm I'm so used to doing it, I you think my nuts are ever full? - Like, so many - Oh, the the girls, whoa, they're close, and then it says that they're juicin' for you.
They're juicing and they're ready for silk milk.
- Let me see that.
- Wait, no dude, you didn't get any text messages.
No, that's a password thing.
It's an old phone.
- Oh, password protected.
- Did you delete it? What? You only got one chick that ain't Jillian in your contacts.
Kim better be ready to take it.
Don't call not Kim! Don't call yeah, I'm looking for Kim.
Is she there? No, I don't want to take taekwondo classes, dude.
I already did that.
Should have thought about that Kim's a dude? He's a sensei.
You guys don't know one chick, do you? Yeah, uh I trusted you losers.
I even told you about bangin' [bleep.]
, suckin' [bleep.]
, and takin' [bleep.]
.
- He does always say that.
- He's always - yeah, that's cool.
- And, just so you know, your tiny little shrimp dick has a Facebook page.
And I liked it.
Billy! Billy! What is going on with this shrimp dick stuff, man? - A lot of people are talking.
- It's stupid, okay? I went to the high school football game, I used the little kiddie urinal, 'cause no one else was using it, and now, all of a sudden, I have a little kiddie penis? - Come on, man, that's - No, that makes sense.
- Bathroom 101.
- Yeah, everybody knows that.
It's not true, okay? What, do you wanna see it? - You wanna see it? Huh? - Us? No.
Well, you keep talking about it.
- How 'bout I show it to ya? - I'd love to see it.
Oh, you do? Okay, great.
All right, I'm gonna show it to you.
You ever seen it? - I haven't seen it.
- I've never seen it.
I'd love to see it.
Eh.
Nah.
Nope.
Not tonight.
Guess it wasn't your lucky day.
Two minutes till game time and no sign of Billy.
Good plan, Beez.
Hey, what can I say? - Brains of the op.
- Thanks.
So you guys heard about Billy, huh? What's the matter? Is your star running back not feeling too good? Mmm Ooh, cry about it.
Ooh, he's not here.
- Ooh, I'm crying about it.
- That's really insensitive.
- Why? - Okay.
Greetings, football fans.
Today, Rancho Cucamonga South is dedicating the game to Billy Belk, who was in a car accident last night.
Luckily, he's in stable condition with a broken collarbone at St.
Joe's.
Now let's Go, wolves! He's okay.
He's okay.
Billy! Billy! Billy! - Billy! Billy! - They seem motivated.
Billy! Billy! Billy! Billy! Bill Oh, here we go.
- Yep.
- Get him.
Yeah! Yeah! Touchdown, RC South! All right! All right! Lot of game left to be played.
Oh Fugg.
Go go go And a reminder, all wolves fans, - the snack shack is open - Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Okay, please win.
Please win.
Hey, north! Time for those boy bodies to blossom into man bods.
Let's hit puberty right now! Check it out, dude.
This chick's totally digging my style.
Ooh.
Five, six, seven, eight.
T-I-n-y! You ain't got no alibi.
Your dick's tiny! Yeah, yeah, it's tiny! She's looking right at you when she's saying that.
T-I-N-Y, you ain't got no alibi.
Your dick's tiny, yeah, yeah.
- It's tiny! - I, like oh, my God.
- I need a snack.
- Whoo! - You going to the snack shack? - Yeah.
Could you get me some snatchos? - Yeah, sure.
- Yeah, grab me a mounds.
First down! That's a 26-yard completion for RC South.
This is not happening! You're right.
It's not.
Where you going? Wait, just wait till Blake gets back, dude.
I'll take some nachos.
Uh, anything else I can get you popcorn, pizza, corn dog? I'll take a corn dog.
Oh, man, I was just laughing to myself, Jerry, because I was joking about betting my 'Vo, and I thought maybe you thought I was serious.
- What? - You didn't know? I was joking, man.
Yeah! Belk just took the field! Ladies and gentlemen, number 33, Billy Belk! Billy! Billy! Billy! Look at the football dance.
Look at that touchdown dance.
Let's hear it for him! Hey, uh, remember How I was joking? Uh, I was joking about joking.
So bet is definitely still on.
I'll be right back.
Do you guys want a mounds? Billy! Billy! Billy! Billy, you should really be in the hospital.
But, by God, I'm glad you're here with us! Now, get out there and bring this one home! Go, Billy! Go! All right, Billy! Let's make sure you don't fumble the ball! All right, we're handing it off to you, Billy.
Do your thing.
Got it? Uh Blowjes.
Same old Billy.
Ready? Right! Agh! Grr.
Whoo! First and ten, RC South.
Let's go, Billy! Set! Red 30! All right.
Come on, come on, come on.
Hut! Whoa! [Bleep.]
.
Ho ho ho ho! Billy Belk tackled for a loss.
- Good effort! - Second and 23.
We're lucky he didn't fumble! Get off the field, little boy! Oh, man.
I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star.
I'm a big, bright, shining star.
Billy! Billy! Billy! Billy! Billy! Billy! Set! Hut! Fumble it! Billy, fumble! Billy, fumble! I'm more than a mascot, dad! - Whoa! - What the oh, my God, did you just see that? I'm trying to keep my car, man! - Anders.
- What the hell? What's up, Billy? - What? - What? Who is that? That's the real Billy.
Hey! Heeey! Hey, yeah! I got a big ol' dick! Yeah, baby! H-u-g-e! Who's got a big dick? Me! Blake! Remember me? You said I had a small one.
I got a big one1 - hey! - Whoo! Whoo! - Oh! - Stop! - What are you doing? - Help me! Meet at the 'Vo! Meet at the 'Vo! Meet at the 'Vo! Aah! 'Vo! Hey whoa.
Stop! - Yo.
- Help me down.
- Dude - That was awesome.
- We gotta go.
- You see? I almost scored a touchdown.
I saw that.
Where's Blaze-onday? I don't know! Whoa, there he is! What are you doing under there? Where do you think you're going? That's my car! No, no, no, no, no.
RC South lost.
Yeah, but you dick heads tampered with the bet! Okay, all right, fine.
Then I guess, uh It's a push, right? Unless you, uh, want to let it ride.
Then I get to pick the over/under.
On what? On, um Well, there's been a lot of talk about my buddy here's dick size.
- Huh? - Yeah, you what's the line? Three inches.
Hard.
That's a little smokie.
Which are delicious.
I'm kind of hungry right now, man.
- Whew! - Even if it's small, it can't be that small, right? No, of course not.
That's unrealistic small.
Yeah, scientifically improbable.
Yeah, that's an Atari joystick, man.
- That's impossible.
- Okay.
We'll take the over.
- All right! - All right! - There it is.
- Appreciate it, man.
Could ya maybe turn the radio up? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.