1000 Ways to Die s03e15 Episode Script

Male announcer: A new scientific survey just came in - Yeah, I can't wait.
Announcer: There are more idiots per square inch On this program than any other show on television.
[laughter.]
Want proof? How about the girly man who wet his bed? - Somebody help! Announcer: Or the gymnast who had to split? - [screams.]
Announcer: There's the cremator who got creamed The stewardess who got - Snack time.
Announcer: Ejected.
- [screaming.]
Announcer: The taxidermist who got kind of squirrelly - [screams.]
Announcer: And the country bumpkin Who stole the wrong pumpkin.
The bottom line, idiots make good tv.
- [screaming.]
announcer: On the next episode Of 1000 ways to die.
[rock music.]
Death is everywhere.
Most of us try to avoid it.
Others can't get out of its way.
Every day, we fight a new war against germs, Toxins, injury, Illness, and catastrophe.
There's a lot of ways to wind up dead.
The fact that we survive at all is a miracle.
Because every day we live, We face 1000 ways to die.
It's new year's morning, And this hot babe is wondering what the hell happened The night before.
Say hello to don.
It must have been some party he threw.
[cheers and shouting.]
Slowly from out of his fog, the pieces Of his new year's eve puzzle started coming together.
The party was going full blast It's starting to get A little kinky in here, everybody.
Announcer: When don got high, He liked to wear women's clothing.
He claimed it made him sexier to women.
- Oh, man! Announcer: It proved true this night.
He wound up bedding down two hotties In his classic '80s water bed.
- "thanks for the radical time.
" [scoffs.]
Announcer: But don was not digging his start To the new year.
- Help! Announcer: He was under house arrest, And his panties were getting wet.
- [shouts.]
Announcer: The more he struggled, the more holes he dug With his stilettos.
Within minutes, the cross-dressing horndog Was engulfed in 2,000 gallons of water bed water.
- Somebody, help! - When the water bed was cut and water flowed out Of the bed, enveloping the patient, He was struggling to keep his head and neck Above water, became fatigued, Sinking into the water.
The water level rose, Flowing into the patient's lungs, Causing lack of oxygenation And ultimately the death of the patient.
Announcer: Don spent new year's eve, 1986, Partying like it was 1999.
- Help! Announcer: Too bad he never made it that far.
Andrea was a frustrated gymnast, Who never realized her dream of making the u.
S.
Olympic team.
- Do you really think you have what it takes? Announcer: Now she takes it out On her fellow gymnast friend sally.
- Do you know how many pounds you have gained? Announcer: They're training for a vegas stage show That involves a lot of gymnastics.
- Down.
Down.
- The girls in women's gymnastics Can be completely cutthroat.
Everybody thinks they're the cute little girls And everything's beautiful and pretty.
It is not that way at all.
It can get downright vicious.
- Hey, ladies, we ain't quite open yet.
Need another ten minutes till it's set up.
- We have to use this right now.
Announcer: Andrea wasn't about to let anyone come between her And her goals.
- See you beat that one.
- It was vegas or bust.
- Try keeping your feet together next time.
Announcer: When they hit the trampoline, Andrea launched into a full-bore pms bitch-athon.
- Why don't you actually try this time? You want to see how to be a real gymnast? Watch me because this is how you do it.
Announcer: And then - [screams.]
Announcer: She stuck her landing.
She should have listened to the maintenance man.
He hadn't finished setting up the uneven parallel bars.
- This is how you do it.
Announcer: Andrea came down on it with enough force To run the metal pole deep into her body.
- [screams.]
- The metal pipe went through her rectouterine pouch And what that is, that's an area Between the rectum and the uterus.
Blunt-force trauma like this Can cause severe perforation of the internal organs Resulting in severe bleeding and hemorrhaging, Which can't be stopped.
And the person would lose consciousness, Pass out, heart would stop, And they'd die, and this could take seconds.
Announcer: Andrea was a bitter gymnast, Who took out her frustrations on her friend.
- Why don't you actually try this time? Announcer: If sally was a little meaner - This is how you do it.
Announcer: She would have told her friend andrea To stick it up your rectouterine pouch, Bitch.
Coming up, A cremator gets a surprise heads up.
And a flight attendant Hits the roof.
[screaming.]
Announcer: China has a population Of 1.
4 billion.
Do you ever wonder what they do With all their dead bodies? They burn 'em.
In china, cremation is mandatory.
Chung-lee was the boss At one of the state-run crematoriums.
He was also a corrupt thief.
First he would strip A body of anything of value.
Then it was flame on.
- Cremation process begins with an industrial furnace Or retort, which is capable Of maintaining temperatures as high As 2,400 degrees fahrenheit.
The cremation process is designed To reduce human or animal remains To ash and bone fragments.
The average timeframe Is normally around 100 pounds per hour.
Announcer: Mr.
Wang here was about to go asses to ashes.
Two days earlier, he had died In what was determined to be a lightning strike Because of the telltale burn wound on his chest.
The hole in wang's chest Was far less interesting than the treasure In his mouth.
But when mr.
Chung finally put The flames to dead man wang, He got a mouthful.
And then some.
An autopsy would have uncovered the real cause Of wang's death, and it was not lightning.
He was hit by a piece of a weather rocket That was launched in response To a month-long drought.
The explosive canister that disperses Rain-inducing silver iodide Failed to detonate.
Instead it came hurtling Back down to earth and embedded itself In wang's chest.
Unbeknownst to chung, The explosive charge was now buried deep in wang's chest.
As soon as the crematorium chamber flamed on, The detonator heated up and exploded.
The force of the blast Blew the metal door off its hinges, Severing chung's head.
If chung had any sense, He would have remembered the ancient chinese proverb-- "have greedy heart Lose greedy head.
" What do we have here? - Here's mine.
Announcer: A couple returning from a shopping spree? - Look at this.
- Oh, my god.
Announcer: Not exactly.
Charlie and jevetta are bottom-feeding thieves Who rob luggage from airports.
It's a scam played out every day All across the country.
- [sighs.]
- Thousands of bags across the United States Are stolen from airports.
Because it's so easy to come into the airport.
No one checks you.
Once people get their bags, A person who wants to steal, They'll look, see a nice, fancy bag, Pick it up, and just walk straight out of the door.
Announcer: The two went back to their robbers' nest To take a little inventory.
- Mm-hmm.
[gasps.]
Announcer: Some they'll hawk, and some they'll keep.
- Oh.
Oh.
Put that on.
Announcer: Ooh.
What do we have here? A nice imported rum.
- Oh, yeah.
- Bottoms up.
- Oh.
- Baby, we really cleaned up this time.
- Whoo! [groans.]
it's getting hot.
Whoo! Yah! - That sounds sexy, tiger.
- [moans.]
[grunting.]
- Yeah, I can't wait! Announcer: When jevetta was finally ready to heat it up She found her man already overheated.
- What is this? What did you do? Charlie.
Charlie! Oh, my god.
Charlie! Charlie! Announcer: Charlie had inadvertently Taken the bag of a drug smuggler.
That wasn't rum he just drank.
It was liquid cocaine.
Liquid cocaine is actually a highly-concentrated mixture Of cocaine and kerosene.
It's the final step in the process Before the cocaine's extracted In the form of crystals.
Charlie ingested the equivalent of three ounces Of pure cocaine.
The kerosene provided an extra kick.
- When you ingest liquid cocaine, It gets to the nerve endings and causes release Of adrenaline.
The consequence of this huge adrenaline release Is an increase in blood pressure, An increase in heart rate, A spasm of arteries, And the way you die is a big heart attack.
Announcer: Charlie was a thief.
He wound up stealing from a drug dealer.
But what happened to him wasn't exactly criminal.
It was just a really nasty way to die.
- Oh, my god.
Announcer: Sorry, charlie.
- Charlie! Announcer: If you've ever wondered If airline travel has lost some of its old luster - Just come on.
Announcer: Look no further than flight attendant valerie.
- It's cool.
Take your time.
We don't have schedules to maintain.
Announcer: After eight long years Of handing out peanuts and pillows, Valerie had had enough.
She was retiring, and this was her last flight.
- Can I please have a pillow? - No, you may not.
Thank you very much.
Announcer: Valerie began This latest flight With her own coffee, tea, or screw you Brand of service.
- Hey, sleeping beauty, snack time.
Want some peanuts? - Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
We're heading into some light chop.
Just a little turbulence.
Please fasten your seatbelts.
Announcer: The passengers buckled up, But the real turbulence Was inside the plane.
- Those lips are flapping, and I'm not listening.
Thank you so much.
Announcer: Valerie had them ready To blow their tops.
And then [screaming.]
The plane beat them to it.
- What would cause the fuselage to crack In this particular case Was a question of bonding That was used between the skins on the fuselage.
Over time, the bonding process Didn't stick, and moisture got in.
Moisture created corrosion.
The corrosion created the cracks.
And because of pressurization, It just ripped the fuselage open.
All of that compressed air Blows out of the airplane.
Anyone who isn't seated with a seatbelt, You're going to be sucked literally Right out of the airplane.
Announcer: When valerie was sucked outside the plane, She was hit by a lethal triple whammy.
of skin-shredding winds, A body-freezing temperature of minus 67 degrees, And less oxygen than the top of mount everest.
She was dead before she hit the water.
The next time you're on a flight, Keep your seatbelts buckled.
Try to ignore the hostile stewardess.
- May I please have a pillow? - No, you may not.
Thank you very much.
Announcer: And remember, The closest exit may be [screaming.]
Right above your head.
Up next, A taxidermist stuffs his mouth With the critters he stuffs.
- [screams.]
Announcer: And punkin' chunkin' Is funkin' crazy.
[laughter.]
- Hello? Announcer: The next time you drop in on a taxidermy shop, Be careful.
- Hey, I'm here to pick up my head.
Hello.
- [screams.]
- Whoa! - [maniacal shouting.]
Announcer: You never know what kind of service You're going to get.
- [grunting.]
Announcer: Once upon a time, norman was a healthy hillbilly Who stuffed animals for a living.
- What we do on taxidermy Is we take a skin off the animal, Such as this skin here.
We remove the whole skin, Salt it, dry it, And then we take it and stretch it Over a mannequin.
Eyes are added.
And then paint it and detail it.
Then we come up with a finished product such as this.
Announcer: Norman's shop was set deep in the woods.
[gunshot.]
There was never a shortage Of critters to kill.
Norman not only stuffed The animals.
He ate the animals he stuffed.
And he liked them On the rare side.
He should have passed on the squirrel sushi.
- [groans.]
Announcer: A few days after eating it, He was infected with the rabies virus.
- [screams.]
Announcer: Rabies is a viral disease That causes acute inflammation Of the brain, called encephalitis.
Not only can you get it from being bit By a carrier.
The rabies virus can also live Inside a dead carrier for up to 24 hours.
- [screams.]
Announcer: Foaming at the mouth occurs when the throat muscles Start going into paralytic shock, Causing an inability to swallow.
- [moans.]
Announcer: Saliva turns into foam.
Only a handful of people who have ever contracted rabies Are known to have survived.
Norman was not one of them.
- Once the rabies infected this person And the flu-like symptoms Abated over the next several days, His nervous system became affected And he stopped breathing on his own, Stopped thinking properly.
Kidneys shut down, liver shut down, And he died a slow, painful death.
Announcer: Norman stuffed animals for work And ate them for fun.
But after he bit into the wrong one - [screams.]
Announcer: Norman turned rabid and was done.
[imitating elmer fudd.]
you silly wabbit.
When fall rolls around, what comes to mind? Leaves changing color, Thanksgiving, and, of course [laughter.]
Punkin' chunkin'.
- I love that sound.
Announcer: Dwayne and his boys liked nothing better Than to take the excess pumpkins from dwayne's farm - Fire it up.
Announcer: And blast them out of his homemade launcher.
- A pumpkin cannon consists of a barrel Where you put the pumpkin in And some sort of expanding gas.
What these guys did that was extremely dangerous Is they filled the barrel With a compressed flammable gas, Ignited it, and had it explosively expand Down the barrel, pushing anything in front of it At super-high velocity.
[laughter.]
You're pushing a ten-pound pumpkin About 400 to 500 miles per hour and up to a mile, So when those things hit anything, They just destroy whatever's in their path.
[laughter.]
Announcer: Dwayne and his redneck friends Were too drunk to notice The guy out in the field Stealing his pumpkins.
Luther was a lowlife from the next county over.
Every fall, he would make some extra cash By sneaking onto farms, Loading up his truck with stolen pumpkins, And selling them to the dumb cityfolk.
- 20 bucks.
Announcer: This time, luther picked the wrong farm To pick pumpkins.
Gas-fueled pumpkin launchers Are extremely dangerous.
They've been known to explode And kill their users.
Luther stood up to make his escape.
The lit torch was put to the launcher.
And luther took a 100-mile-an-hour pumpkin Right to the heart.
- The pumpkin was going And it struck the person's chest, The stem entering the man's chest wall Through his rib cage into his heart.
His heart exploded, And he died instantly.
Announcer: Dwayne and his buds Were just a bunch of good ol' boys Getting some yuks.
Luther was just a bad boy Making some illegal bucks.
When luther met dwayne, It gave us a good idea for a new show-- 1000 ways to pie.
You want another slice of that, luther? Synced by Gatto