800 Words (2015) s03e15 Episode Script
Season 3, Episode 15
1 [HORN HONKS.]
- Hey! - Hi, Dad.
I was beginning to forget what you looked like.
- Haven't seen you in days.
- Been busy.
I've missed you raiding our cupboards.
Can't be a bludger all your life.
- Everything OK? - Yep.
Hey, why don't you come to tea? Katie's trying a new recipe, Indian.
Billy's making naan.
I'll think about it.
What's to think about? You love butter chicken.
See you, Dad.
Yeah, see ya.
GEORGE NARRATES: The umbilical cord, giver of life, but when you examine them closely, they're actually pretty gross.
A kind of whitish grey, gristly, and they're very hard to cut.
I haven't checked with Aunty Google, but I like to think the phrase 'family ties' stems from the umbilical cord, which, when it is tied off, becomes a belly button.
Greetings, Shay.
Dad's renovating the real estate office.
Modernising, take-off fit for a new republic.
So the whole place is being gutted and I'm working from home.
What do you think of that? "Replete with ensuite.
" No, it's lame.
Well, someone liked it 'cause I just sold it.
So, there.
So this is going to be your new office for how long? It's alright, Shay.
Not staying.
Busy out in the field.
Annual rush of spring sales.
'Spring into a new home', write that down.
- No.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
Monty McNamara, McNam [PHONE RINGS.]
Monty McNamara speaking.
I can't go on like this, Shay.
What rhymes with 'septic tank'? 'Laughing all the way to the bank'? You've got the knack.
Do you want my job? Thanks, but no.
Hey, I, um - I just bumped into Shay.
- Oh, how is she? Well, to be honest, she's a little I don't know.
Have you noticed anything? Um You don't think it's about Joe and the whole parole board thing, do you? - George, the thing is - It's a media launch, George.
It would help if the media's actually there.
Yeah, coming.
I'm sure it'll work out.
[THEME MUSIC.]
Alright, stand on this mark here.
Now face face the camera.
Yeah, of course.
OK, I'm gonna ask you a question, and if you could answer it.
OK.
Quiet, everyone, please.
We're about to start.
And action.
OK, Sean, what will be the first thing you do if elected president of the Republic of Weld? - [PHONE RINGS.]
- Well Oh, sorry.
Oh, we're gonna be here all day.
This better be important, Brenda.
You've interrupted my big moment.
Oh! Oh, I see.
Goodbye, then.
OK, let's go.
Ike has camera at the ready.
IKE: And ready.
Sean, is Brenda alright? She's in labour.
How in labour? She told me to get my arse there asap.
- Then get there.
- Don't just stand there Go! Oh tell Arlo he's no longer second-in-command and that the alpaca eats at dusk.
He'll know what to do.
- I'll pass it on.
- Oh, Sean Tell Shay that she's no longer second-in-command and the vegetable bins need cleaning out.
- They're really smelly.
- Go well.
Our love to Brenda.
Hey, cigars on me when you get back.
Come on, I'll escort you.
Good opportunity to use the siren.
Oh, I'm so excited! Mail for you, Poppy.
- It's from Mum.
- Oh, it's not your birthday, right? Tell me we haven't missed your birthday.
[GASPS.]
Oh, wow! Is that a ball gown? It was hers.
She wore it to her senior dance.
Give us a look at that thing.
I'm guessing she went to her senior dance with you, Woody.
[CHUCKLES.]
I actually remember this dress.
I just I forgot we went to the dance together.
How can you forget your school dance? Babe, you're talking to the bloke who forgot he was already married.
- This is true.
- Yes.
She says, "I don't have to wear it, but with a bit of work" "it could be brought out of the '90s and into the 21st century.
" What do you reckon? Mmm, I reckon I could sort something from this.
I think you're gonna have to.
She's expecting loads of pictures.
See? I'm not the only one that's excited about this ball.
Oh, this is gonna be gorgeous.
You should bring it to the working bee.
You can use the school sewing equipment.
Now all I need is someone to go with.
Oh, no, you can go with a group of friends.
Heaps of kids are doing that.
Yeah, yeah.
See, that sounds like fun.
Yeah, cool.
Yeah, here.
Do you want a look after I've edited? No, I trust you.
Just go ahead and put them online.
OK.
So, this Weld anthem you're gonna introduce, any ideas? Maybe something by Crowded House.
- That famous Australian band.
- Here we go.
Next you'll be claiming the pavlova.
You know, I like the idea of a town with its own national anthem.
Maybe I should see what's on the market.
You want to buy here? Oh, if there was a nice family home available.
A family home [CHUCKLES.]
You'd rattle round.
I might have to get a flatmate.
Get a room.
Thanks, Grandpa.
Dad, I'll need a ride to the hair place.
Enjoy your haircut.
- It's a colour, actually.
- Ha.
Everyone is expecting a three-way race, Dad.
I can stand in for Sean.
You've got your duties, Bill.
How's Poppy? She doesn't talk to me and you know that.
I heard she's rebounding with older guys now.
Sorry? It's all over social media apparently.
Well, Poppy doesn't even have social media, except Instagram, so "Hey, boys, get involved.
" And "Up for a tap and gap?" I'm just really worried it makes her look like a desperate skank, that's all.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Poppy, look, sorry, I know you don't want to hear from me.
- But this is kind of important.
- OK.
Look, I think Lindsay is pretending to be you, online.
Yeah, you've got like a bunch of accounts in your name and you're asking to get with older guys.
- Under my actual name? - Yeah.
Yeah, and it looks like you've been busy making friends with many, many men.
No, no, I did not set up that profile.
No, I figured.
I should have expected it sooner, I guess.
God, this is so boring.
Shay, "Not coming.
" Maybe she doesn't like butter chicken.
Everyone likes butter chicken.
Arlo, have you spoken to your sister lately? Nuh, sorry.
Pudding Should I make a pudding? I can do that.
- Hey, maybe you could talk to her.
- I don't know.
Well, something's definitely up and maybe it's a woman's thing.
Maybe I'm the wrong person for the job.
Sure, OK.
I'll talk to her tomorrow and sort it out.
Thanks.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Hey! G'day, mate.
- Hey.
What's going on? We can talk about stuff, right, manu a manu? Yeah! Course you can.
Come in, mate.
Yeah, no I won't stay.
Is something wrong? Yeah, uh Poppy's on this dating app and she come up on my profile due to our location and the fact that she's lied about her age.
And [STAMMERS.]
She's looking for sugar daddies.
What? I'm just only on there to see if there's anyone round here that I've missed.
Yeah, no, I think you're wrong, mate.
It'll be someone that looks like Pops, that's all.
Well, I I took a screenshot.
Poppy, we need to have a chat.
Um look, I know you're lonely, OK.
And I know you grew up in a place where there weren't a lot of other kids around.
But This is dangerous behaviour.
What's wrong with dating a boy your own age? OK, I know you got hurt by Arlo.
But they're not all like him, OK? There are lots of nice boys in year 12.
- Yeah.
- And if this is about finding a Oh, my god! You need to stop.
No, dating apps are not the answer.
- I don't know what the question is - Dating apps? - Yes.
- She's thorough.
- It's not you? - No.
It sure looked like you, Pops.
Lindsay nicked my photo from Instagram.
She set up a heap of fake accounts and now she's on them as me, chatting up crusty old guys.
Oh my god! I tried to shut it down but I've been locked out.
- That's it.
- Wait, wait.
What are you doing? I'm going round there.
I'm gonna tell that little menace not to No way! No, you're not.
Just let me sort it out through the proper channels.
No.
She's already caused Poppy enough strife! I know.
I know that.
But I will sort it.
I promise you that.
Trust me.
I'm all over it.
GEORGE: Lots of things tie families together, good times, bad times.
I never had the misfortune to go to sea scouts, so I'll save you from the knot analogies.
- Hi.
- Hi! It's a care package from your dad.
I'll take that.
Thanks.
I have to go to work.
- I can give you a lift.
- I've got my bike.
Come on, Shay, this is silly.
I I know I overstepped the mark with the Joe thing.
- Please, don't.
- It was a mistake, and it was inappropriate.
I apologise.
Come on, Shay.
I'm dying here.
We used to be friends.
That was before I realised that you were two-faced.
And you were selfish.
OK.
I'm sorry that you think that.
Look, I just want to be left alone, OK? It is what it is.
What do I tell your dad? Tell him thanks for the groceries.
WOODY: You know, life before fatherhood was simple.
You just eat, sleep, surf, repeat.
A little bit of play, little bit of work, and you're done.
Now it's bullies, break-ups, these catfights.
It's doing my head in.
Being a parent is a delicate balance between guesswork and instinct.
Yeah, well, for you maybe.
You've known your daughter her entire life.
For me, 100% guesswork.
Yeah, you were dropped in the deep end.
At least you've got Tracey.
Yeah.
She's a total pro.
Thank God for stepmums, eh? KATIE: The ball working bee this weekend will be in the art room for those of you on the committee.
Um, we want people to feel like they're in a giant mirror ball, so, bring anything shiny.
Thank you, Lindsay.
Knock, knock.
Quick word with the class.
Now, you all know Constable Tom.
He's here to deliver a reminder about a very serious matter.
Yes.
Principal Dennis wanted me to remind you all that as of 2015, it is a criminal offence in New Zealand to intentionally cause harm by posting a digital communication.
He's talking about cyberbullying.
Under the legislation, such an offence is punishable by a maximum fine of 50,000 Dollars, or two years imprisonment.
And here at Weld District High, we have a zero tolerance policy.
That means no exceptions.
Now, obviously, we don't want to see anyone go to prison over stupid, pathetic, childish bullying.
But there will be other consequences, starting with a ban from the school ball next week.
Even if you have spent hundreds of dollars on a new hair colour.
- And I would like to add that - [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Hey, Poppy, maybe now she'll take down the accounts.
Hey, I heard about that court thing, with the guy that hit your mum.
Oh, yeah, right.
I'm really sorry you had to go through that.
Thanks.
And there I was being a cow to you.
I kind of deserved it.
I was a bit of a dick.
A little bit of a dick, yeah.
GEORGE: Fiona's new guy seems like a good bloke.
Yeah, apart from when he tried to turn part of the reserve into time share apartments.
Does Fiona know that? - Yeah, she's the one who stopped him.
- Yeah? Slammed him hard in the Environmental Court.
- [BUZZING.]
- That's my phone.
- G'day, Mary.
- Woody.
- How is it across the ditch? - It's not that great, actually.
Oh, no.
Why is that? Well, Gerry, one of my regulars, has been telling me he's been having some very interesting conversations with my daughter online.
OK, no, hold on, because I can explain everything.
Please do, because the girl I sent to New Zealand is not the kind of girl who writes, "I like beards.
They give me something to hold onto," to a 62-year-old trucker she's known since she was a toddler.
Hello? Yeah, yeah, I'm here.
Certino's sentence has been reduced.
He's going home to his family.
Well, I guess that's what we were thinking would happen.
- You OK? - Yeah.
Sorry, George, the dishwasher's doing that thing.
Oh.
Two ticks.
Good thing he's got someone to hold his hand through all this.
It's the least I could do, really.
- Shay hates me.
- What? She told me that I was selfish and two-faced, and trying to replace her mum.
But I thought you two were close.
- We were but - What does George say? I haven't told him.
I can't.
But then I can't also not tell him because Shay's staying away because of me and it's so awful.
I wish I could help.
- [BABY CRIES.]
- Sorry, I have to go.
Our au pair was poached.
Tell George I'll check in with him tomorrow.
OK.
OK.
I didn't realise the hearing was today.
Hey, um, Grandma just called.
Nick Certino walked.
Thanks to us, she said.
She's pretty upset.
Yeah, I know Trish thinks otherwise but we did the right thing.
Yeah, you definitely did.
Your mother would be proud.
It's the full stop we needed.
Yeah.
First day of the rest of our lives, huh? Yes, Arlo.
Tom and I had a really good talk to the kids today and we are confident the message got through.
What does that mean, "A really good talk"? W-What happened with Lindsay? - Oh, she got the idea.
- The idea about what? Did you expel her? Or did you fine her? Honey, there's no proof that it was actually her.
Babe, we know it was Lindsay.
You suspect it was Lindsay.
Yeah, well, then let's charge her! Woody, let me handle things my own way, OK? I know what I'm doing.
She was very good today.
Frightening.
Yeah, well, not as frightening as Poppy's mum when she called me from Australia today.
- She did? - Yeah.
I told her that we're handling it.
Well, we are.
Yeah.
Not very well.
Looks like fun.
With a capital 'F'.
When's your break? We need to talk.
Here and now is good.
Nick Certino he got out.
Yesterday.
I thought Trish might have called you.
She left a couple of messages.
I know it's not what you want.
At least Katie must be stoked.
- What do you mean? - I don't like what she did, OK? Sorry? Don't act like this is news to you.
I know she would have told you.
Told me what? That stupid intervention, Dad.
She had no business.
She's part of the family now, Shay.
That makes it her business.
Wow, that was fast.
Am I not allowed to be happy? She's trying to replace Mum.
No, she's not.
Hold on.
Did you tell her that? - Yes, and I don't - How dare you! How dare you treat someone who's only ever cared for you Wow.
And you're taking her side.
Yeah, because you're behaving like a mean, little brat.
I'm ashamed of you.
- Hi, George.
- Hi.
SHAY: 96.
96 what? Hours of happiness.
I counted them.
From the time I saw that rainbow at the cove till it all came tumbling down again.
Nobody said adulting was easy.
I better get back to work.
Or not.
You are dying a slow death at the store.
And cleaning.
Look at your hands.
I need to wear gloves, hey? Hey, remember my book of dream destinations? - Mmm.
- Come with me.
I can't.
We don't only have to do haunted places.
We can do touristy things too.
You're really gonna go? If I don't soon, I never will.
We've got to get off these little islands, Shay.
- KATIE: How did you go? - Which bit? The bit where I tell Shay that her mother's killer's walked free? Or the bit where she tells me she's been blaming you for it? Oh I'm sorry.
I believe honest and transparent were what we promised each other.
I didn't want to come between you two.
I didn't want you to get angry at her.
Well, I am.
I'm pissed off at her.
- You didn't say anything, did you? - No, no, I shouted it.
In the Super Store, I completely lost my cool.
That is exactly what I was trying to avoid.
Yeah, well, bit of advance warning would have been good.
I'm sorry.
Let's regroup.
Dinner, wine.
I'll cook.
I I think that Billy and I need a night at home.
Are you angry with me? I just think that we could all do with some breathing room.
OK.
- LINDSAY: Bye.
- GIRLS: See ya.
Poppy closed her accounts.
The old guys must be gutted.
You know what you used to be better than this.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Uh, I was wondering, do you want to go to the ball with me and Billy? And Billy? Yeah, as as friends.
It's not like a date.
I'm not trying to get back with you.
Just The school slag goes to the ball with two guys.
They'll love that.
You're not the school slag.
No, thanks, Arlo.
OK.
To the Billy part.
We don't need a chaperone.
What's going on? Sorry, Katie.
You do know your house has been on the market for years? Unofficially.
I thought I needed three months' warning.
That would be true if you had a contract.
It's Weld.
We don't do contracts.
And in this case, it's come back to bite you on the bum.
Ow! Well when's the first open home? Good news.
No open homes.
That's something, I guess.
Years of stuff, the gallery? We will all help.
I can load up the police ute on move day.
Billy's placenta is buried in the garden under the titoki.
We don't have to dig it up, do we? I mean, there is another solution.
You can move into the Turner house.
- No, Hannah.
- Can we? He's a much better cook than you are.
Oh, sex and food on tap.
You can't get better than that.
I'm not having this conversation.
Katie just needs some time to think.
Yeah, as long as it's under three weeks.
You know, that probably is worth a discussion with George.
One I might consider having if I wasn't currently giving him some space.
GEORGE: What I've come to learn is family ties are remarkably fragile.
- Sometimes they break.
- [GLASS CLATTERS.]
And sometimes they just come undone.
And it's then I regret never going to sea scouts and learning how to tie knots.
Duty free.
Want one? - What are you doing here? - Saving the day.
After chatting last night, I dropped everything, booked the next available flight and voila.
- Chatting? - Katie and I.
Turners are in crisis, here I am.
I wouldn't say 'crisis'.
And how can you just drop everything? You've got twins.
Steve the super house hubby.
Where is everyone? Well, Katie and I are having some space.
And I have no idea where Arlo is.
And Shay is crashing and burning.
See? You do need me, George.
[GLASSES CLINK.]
Letter of resignation.
- What? - Effective immediately.
But I need four weeks' notice.
It's Weld, Dad.
Nobody does contracts.
Damn it.
And I'll need to borrow a suitcase.
Siouxsie just resigned.
Believe that? You don't want a job, do you? - What I need is a house to rent.
- Right.
Now, this is a goodie.
Thrive on Ocean View Drive.
- That's nice.
- Mmm.
- How much? - It's 1,000.
A month? I can stretch to that.
- A week.
- Oh.
So Hey, how do you feel about living a little bit further out of town? See youse.
Where are you going? Meeting Arlo.
- What? - That's great! Yeah.
And I'll see you both at the working bee.
Sure thing.
Well see you later.
See? She's happy again.
All the social media pages have been taken down.
Hey, I know how to principal.
Yeah, you did good, babe.
Sean was talking about farming them but I'm pretty sure he just got her as a pet.
Does he take her for walks? I think she'd like to go for a walk.
Would you, Maxine? Do you want to go for a walk? [MAXINE BLEATS.]
I can't today.
I have an election on.
Look, I just said I cannot leave Weld today.
Well, there must be somebody else.
Hello? Ballot papers.
Yeah, new ballot papers.
This has still got Sean's name on it.
- About that, I - Oh, we've been through this, Bill.
Nobody else even has a platform, Dad.
Weld's sewerage system is a mess.
You can't even handle a simple admin request! That llama would do a better job than you! - [LAUGHS.]
- That's not what females do.
- Come on, Maxine.
- Come on.
It's alright.
- Who's this? - This is Maxine.
Say hello, Maxine.
And it's an alpaca, not a llama.
I'm just looking after her while Sean's away.
Very intelligent animals, alpacas.
Right.
Come on.
Is this election even legal? Amalgamation will mean big changes.
We're not going down without a fight.
Except you, George, have other things to worry about.
Like the ladies in your life.
I've left them both several messages.
- And? Nothing.
- Not as yet.
Right.
You sort your girlfriend.
I'll sort my goddaughter.
Thank you.
Can I have a flat white and almond soy latte to go, please? Oh, are you off to see Katie? The only person round here who drinks almond soy lattes.
Hope she's doing dinner today.
Tell her my offer still stands, to help with the move.
And I could always do with some extra flatmates if she gets desperate.
And she can store her stuff at my place till she's sorted.
Am I missing something? You're counting on me I'm counting on you I got your back When you're stranded high Comin' in like the tide I hope you know I'm on your side Don't matter if you're losing the fight Or claiming the prize I hope you know that I got your back - Hey, hey.
- [SOBS.]
I got your back.
I must have looked like a total nutcase.
Taking an axe to a picture of Monty is better than taking an axe to Monty.
[LAUGHS.]
It's not even him I'm angry at.
He's just doing his job.
And I know he feels bad.
It's just I was finally happy.
I allowed myself to think that maybe Hey, hey, hey, you can still be happy.
And OK, yes, this is your home.
But you'll find another one.
We'll get through it.
All of it.
Never fear.
Wise aunty is here.
All the way from Australia.
Wow.
Dad really brought out the big guns, huh? I used to look at your mum and I used to feel so jealous.
- She had it all mapped out.
- Yeah? Travel, law school, graduate, junior associate, senior associate, partner, family in between.
- And she did it all.
- Yeah, she did.
But you you're more like your dad or Katie.
You're artistic.
Your path, it's not so straightforward.
So how did Dad handle it? Floundered around doing random jobs to finance his writing habit.
Fish factory, bike courier.
Oh, please tell me he didn't go full lycra.
[CHUCKLES.]
Katie's a lovely lady, Shay.
She's kind, she's caring, she's really good for your dad.
Yeah.
Yeah, I get that.
You will always be Laura's daughter.
You don't ever have to worry about that.
I wish I was more like her.
Don't we all, kiddo? Meanwhile, I have an idea.
While you're pondering all this, you could come live with me.
Free room, your own ensuite, view of Sydney Harbour, all in return for a teensy-weensy bit of baby minding.
What do you say? Oh, you're serious? It's a good turnout.
Look at Big Mac.
- He's loving it.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
My goodness, is that Jan? Yeah, yeah.
Here to solve all our problems.
Oh, after I moaned to her.
I'm sorry.
Oh, sweet! Mum's here.
Before you say anything, I am just here for the election, Monty.
No other reason.
Sure, Ngahuia.
I really got that impression when we were 16, the night before last.
Oh, no Jolene, she's so cute.
Oh! 30 hours of labour, though.
- Yeah, but worth it.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey! Gorgeous.
- You like babies? - Who doesn't like babies? Stafford have voted.
No amalgamation of our two councils.
- Yes! - Oh my god, you did it, this silly republic thing.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have news.
In an epic David and Goliath battle, Weld have stood strong against Stafford and we remain separate towns.
To celebrate, we are going to elect our president.
Here's Bill Junior's new girlfriend.
Attention, good people of the Republic of Weld.
I wish to announce a new entrant into the presidential race.
Maxine the alpaca will be the third candidate.
Because someone recently told me that Maxine would make an excellent president.
MAN: The polling booths are open.
This late-breaking candidate's gonna make things interesting.
The alpaca-lypse is upon us.
Oh, dear, woe.
So, I call Mary up.
I tell her it's all good.
We've handled it.
Pops is sweet as.
And she was OK? Well, yeah, because then I told her, "Why don't you just fly over, see for yourself?" - And she said? - Yeah, she booked the tickets.
- Great.
- Yeah.
So she's gonna come to the school ball but I'm keeping it a complete surprise for Poppy.
Not for Tracey, though.
No more surprises for Tracey.
No.
No, no, no, of course not.
Hey, did you notice Poppy and Arlo are mates again? Yeah.
Maybe the rough patch is over, eh? Well, I ticked your box.
How? You're not even from Weld.
Special vote.
You could check if they want to keep tenants on.
Well, they're out-of-town vendors so I'm mostly dealing with a lawyer.
They won't want to keep tenants.
Katie, I need a word.
- What's with her? - I sold her house.
Good for you.
Yeah, well, now she's got nowhere to live.
Sometimes it's not very easy being me, Ngahuia.
Oh, she'll find somewhere else.
Harden up, darling.
Move in with me.
George, we can't take a big step like this just 'cause I'm having some bad luck.
- Why not? - Because Yeah, I know this is inspired by your situation but But who cares? What if it's a disaster? Well, then you can move out and we'll carry on as normal.
But something tells me it's not gonna be a disaster.
Because, well, Billy and Arlo get on really well.
And, you know, I'm a clean person.
And you're not a slob.
- And - [LAUGHS.]
And because I love you.
Because I love you.
Oh.
I love you too.
So is that a yes? I have conditions.
- I see.
- [LAUGHS.]
I'm not moving in unless your children are absolutely fine with that.
Both of your children.
They will be.
Oh, thanks.
It's so great you two are back together.
Oh, we're not, um, back together.
Who knows what could happen when the school gym turns into a dance floor? You guys seen that movie Pretty In Pink? My mum made me watch it once.
I've seen all those old ones, The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles.
Hey, what do we all think about having a prom queen? Well, we're a republic.
I don't think queens are allowed.
No-one asked you, man baby.
Leave him alone.
Uh, did somebody hear that squeaking? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Ignore it.
We're all supposed to be working together to make a successful ball, remember? What this ball needs is a pinata.
Somebody hand me the hot glue gun.
- Just leave him alone.
- She wouldn't dare.
Watch me, shackle dragger.
I don't even know what that means.
You're all convicts, aren't you? Give me your glasses.
I'm gonna glue them to your face.
I am definitely not giving you my glasses.
Give them to me or I'll take them.
- One - You're being a dick.
.
.
two, three.
Ow! [SCREAMS.]
- Um - [SOBS.]
- What happened? - [SOBS.]
Oh my god! The result for the first-ever election for the independent Republic of Weld is in.
The envelope, please, Tom.
Are you sure this is right? Any way you count them, the alpaca was the winner on the day.
Thanks, Thomas.
Great.
Sorry.
And vice-president Fiona.
Yes! Sorry.
Well done.
I voted for Zac.
I thought he needed a win.
- Yeah.
Let's get out of here.
- Yes.
I know we've had our differences lately but that was genius.
I think Maxine represents all of our interests here in Weld, Woody.
I don't know about that but it was bloody funny, mate.
- [PHONE DINGS.]
- Ooh.
[PHONE RINGS.]
"Come to school immediately.
" "Come to school.
" You attacked Lindsay with scissors.
Attacked her hair with scissors.
Her hair.
In full view of the rest of the ball committee when she hadn't even laid a finger on you.
She was gonna hurt Billy.
- Was gonna? - Yes! And yet she didn't lay a finger on him either.
Why are you defending that evil little bitch? Because the facts are all that matter here, Woody.
And the fact is I explicitly warned you to stop.
And yet I'm sorry, Poppy, but you're banned from the ball.
What? Trace, you're her bloody stepmum! I'm the principal, Woody.
Hey, keep your daughter in line, would you? You get yours in line, mate.
Have you told him what you've been doing to Poppy? Hey, don't talk to my daughter like that.
If you took your head out of your arse for a second, mate, you'd see what she's actually like, you know.
My head isn't up my arse! Hey, stop it! How does this help? Wait in my office.
Come on.
Surely Miss Dennis won't punish her.
She was defending me.
It doesn't look good, though.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
- Hey! - Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi! Just take a seat.
Dinner's almost ready.
Hey, um, thanks for today.
I've decided what I want to do with my life.
Wow.
I am intrigued.
What's this? OK, so Jan pointed out today that I'm kind of going nowhere, what with the Super Store and being a cleaner.
Yeah, I'm glad somebody else finally noticed.
Thank you, Arlo.
So I thought about what I want to do.
And, um Jan said that I'm my mother's daughter.
So I want to go to law school.
I want to be a lawyer, like her.
Hold on.
I'm sorry Um, Shay, I thought we talked about you doing something creative.
Art is a hobby not a living.
Can I just point out in a kind and loving way, you haven't even finished high school.
No kidding, Arlo.
I'll go back.
Cool.
She'll be in our class.
You'd be considered an adult student.
You wouldn't even have to wear a uniform.
I'll um have to move back in here, if that's OK.
Oh Yeah, yeah, course.
Look, are you sure that law school is what you want to do? I really want to honour Mum's memory.
- I don't see what's wrong with that.
- Yeah, good.
Good.
Great.
I'll get the dinner.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
Hi.
- How's Poppy doing? - How do you reckon, Trace? She's gutted.
- Yeah, well, so am I, Woody.
- Yeah? Then unban her.
- I can't do that.
- You can.
You said it yourself, you're the bloody principal.
Which means I can't go back on my decision.
- Not even if it's a crap decision? - Woody First, you suspend her, Trace, then you ban her Because she was physically violent both times.
I don't know.
I'm starting to think you've got something against the kid.
- That's unfair.
- No.
What's unfair is that I invited her mum here as a surprise to see her go to that ball.
You what? And now you've gone and you've done this.
Oh, for God's sake, Woody.
I am the one that wanted this ball to be a success.
It's Poppy What am I supposed to tell her mum, Trace?! Hey, what, that she may as well just turn around and go back home? Yeah.
Tell her to take her daughter with her.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
- Righto.
- Woody, please [DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.]
Um, well, thanks for dinner.
I'll drop some stuff off tomorrow.
Yeah.
See you then.
[EXHALES.]
It's good she's finally found some focus.
I'm not convinced.
She sure put a dent in our plans, though.
Mmm.
No room at the inn.
[GROANS.]
We could make room.
Billy and Arlo could share.
[CHUCKLES.]
They're too old for that.
And it wouldn't be right with Shay here.
Take it off the table for now.
I meant it, what I said today.
Say it again.
I love you.
And your generous, selfless heart.
- Night, George.
- Goodnight.
I had no idea that was coming, George.
Law school? She's setting herself up for a fall.
I completely agree.
All that work and the exams.
I mean, Shay's hardly academic.
I came up with a perfect plan.
She'd come back to Sydney, work for me while she finds out what she wants to do.
At the magazine? No.
As my au pair.
Shay is drowning in Weld, George.
I am drowning in babies.
I thought we could come up with a mutually beneficial arrangement.
Of all the selfish, self-serving What? I'm trying to help.
What are you actually doing here, Jan? I mean, you've got two baby boys at home, not even a year old, and you run away every opportunity you get.
So says a father of the year.
What? You, letting your daughter waste away in some grocery store, while your son, well, ha, he seems to be going through every girl in town.
Oh, that's nice.
Where are you going? You know what.
I think we have both said quite enough for one evening.
[EXHALES.]
I wish you didn't live so far away.
I won't for much longer.
Did you find a house to buy? - Pass me some boxers? - Tell me.
Top drawer.
And not yet.
Tease.
Babe? How much did you see? Enough.
Alright, what do people want, plain or choc-chip? A tidy four-footer with my name on it.
But it's waffle weekend.
- Poppy? - Sorry.
Going for a walk.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Did she suspend you? Banned me from the ball.
Oh, really? Text me with live updates? No.
No, I'm not going without you.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? About last night we said some things.
That I'm neglecting my offspring and other choice offerings? We both crossed the line.
I shouldn't have come.
- Hi! - Hi.
- That one, yeah.
- Is it the left or the right? - Yeah and that one - [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Hello? - Come in.
Hello.
What do you think of George's reef knot, Madam Vice-President? What's happened? This whole republic thing, it's a farce.
Well, we knew that.
No, I mean there's a reason they wanted to stop the councils merging.
Because we're patriotic Weldians.
So that they can sneak in through our little council and rezone a whole bunch of land.
- Who's 'they'? - Big Mac and Vince.
In business together.
Screwing us all, selling clean, green Weld down the river.
Next Tuesday, the unmissable final episode, of '800 Words'.
How do you know it's time to pop the question? We've got a future together.
So what do you say? If you just say yes.
So.
Who'll tight the knot? And who will not.
Say good-bye to Australia's favourite family.
'800 Words'.
Next Tuesday, after the 'Good Doctor'.
- Hey! - Hi, Dad.
I was beginning to forget what you looked like.
- Haven't seen you in days.
- Been busy.
I've missed you raiding our cupboards.
Can't be a bludger all your life.
- Everything OK? - Yep.
Hey, why don't you come to tea? Katie's trying a new recipe, Indian.
Billy's making naan.
I'll think about it.
What's to think about? You love butter chicken.
See you, Dad.
Yeah, see ya.
GEORGE NARRATES: The umbilical cord, giver of life, but when you examine them closely, they're actually pretty gross.
A kind of whitish grey, gristly, and they're very hard to cut.
I haven't checked with Aunty Google, but I like to think the phrase 'family ties' stems from the umbilical cord, which, when it is tied off, becomes a belly button.
Greetings, Shay.
Dad's renovating the real estate office.
Modernising, take-off fit for a new republic.
So the whole place is being gutted and I'm working from home.
What do you think of that? "Replete with ensuite.
" No, it's lame.
Well, someone liked it 'cause I just sold it.
So, there.
So this is going to be your new office for how long? It's alright, Shay.
Not staying.
Busy out in the field.
Annual rush of spring sales.
'Spring into a new home', write that down.
- No.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
Monty McNamara, McNam [PHONE RINGS.]
Monty McNamara speaking.
I can't go on like this, Shay.
What rhymes with 'septic tank'? 'Laughing all the way to the bank'? You've got the knack.
Do you want my job? Thanks, but no.
Hey, I, um - I just bumped into Shay.
- Oh, how is she? Well, to be honest, she's a little I don't know.
Have you noticed anything? Um You don't think it's about Joe and the whole parole board thing, do you? - George, the thing is - It's a media launch, George.
It would help if the media's actually there.
Yeah, coming.
I'm sure it'll work out.
[THEME MUSIC.]
Alright, stand on this mark here.
Now face face the camera.
Yeah, of course.
OK, I'm gonna ask you a question, and if you could answer it.
OK.
Quiet, everyone, please.
We're about to start.
And action.
OK, Sean, what will be the first thing you do if elected president of the Republic of Weld? - [PHONE RINGS.]
- Well Oh, sorry.
Oh, we're gonna be here all day.
This better be important, Brenda.
You've interrupted my big moment.
Oh! Oh, I see.
Goodbye, then.
OK, let's go.
Ike has camera at the ready.
IKE: And ready.
Sean, is Brenda alright? She's in labour.
How in labour? She told me to get my arse there asap.
- Then get there.
- Don't just stand there Go! Oh tell Arlo he's no longer second-in-command and that the alpaca eats at dusk.
He'll know what to do.
- I'll pass it on.
- Oh, Sean Tell Shay that she's no longer second-in-command and the vegetable bins need cleaning out.
- They're really smelly.
- Go well.
Our love to Brenda.
Hey, cigars on me when you get back.
Come on, I'll escort you.
Good opportunity to use the siren.
Oh, I'm so excited! Mail for you, Poppy.
- It's from Mum.
- Oh, it's not your birthday, right? Tell me we haven't missed your birthday.
[GASPS.]
Oh, wow! Is that a ball gown? It was hers.
She wore it to her senior dance.
Give us a look at that thing.
I'm guessing she went to her senior dance with you, Woody.
[CHUCKLES.]
I actually remember this dress.
I just I forgot we went to the dance together.
How can you forget your school dance? Babe, you're talking to the bloke who forgot he was already married.
- This is true.
- Yes.
She says, "I don't have to wear it, but with a bit of work" "it could be brought out of the '90s and into the 21st century.
" What do you reckon? Mmm, I reckon I could sort something from this.
I think you're gonna have to.
She's expecting loads of pictures.
See? I'm not the only one that's excited about this ball.
Oh, this is gonna be gorgeous.
You should bring it to the working bee.
You can use the school sewing equipment.
Now all I need is someone to go with.
Oh, no, you can go with a group of friends.
Heaps of kids are doing that.
Yeah, yeah.
See, that sounds like fun.
Yeah, cool.
Yeah, here.
Do you want a look after I've edited? No, I trust you.
Just go ahead and put them online.
OK.
So, this Weld anthem you're gonna introduce, any ideas? Maybe something by Crowded House.
- That famous Australian band.
- Here we go.
Next you'll be claiming the pavlova.
You know, I like the idea of a town with its own national anthem.
Maybe I should see what's on the market.
You want to buy here? Oh, if there was a nice family home available.
A family home [CHUCKLES.]
You'd rattle round.
I might have to get a flatmate.
Get a room.
Thanks, Grandpa.
Dad, I'll need a ride to the hair place.
Enjoy your haircut.
- It's a colour, actually.
- Ha.
Everyone is expecting a three-way race, Dad.
I can stand in for Sean.
You've got your duties, Bill.
How's Poppy? She doesn't talk to me and you know that.
I heard she's rebounding with older guys now.
Sorry? It's all over social media apparently.
Well, Poppy doesn't even have social media, except Instagram, so "Hey, boys, get involved.
" And "Up for a tap and gap?" I'm just really worried it makes her look like a desperate skank, that's all.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Poppy, look, sorry, I know you don't want to hear from me.
- But this is kind of important.
- OK.
Look, I think Lindsay is pretending to be you, online.
Yeah, you've got like a bunch of accounts in your name and you're asking to get with older guys.
- Under my actual name? - Yeah.
Yeah, and it looks like you've been busy making friends with many, many men.
No, no, I did not set up that profile.
No, I figured.
I should have expected it sooner, I guess.
God, this is so boring.
Shay, "Not coming.
" Maybe she doesn't like butter chicken.
Everyone likes butter chicken.
Arlo, have you spoken to your sister lately? Nuh, sorry.
Pudding Should I make a pudding? I can do that.
- Hey, maybe you could talk to her.
- I don't know.
Well, something's definitely up and maybe it's a woman's thing.
Maybe I'm the wrong person for the job.
Sure, OK.
I'll talk to her tomorrow and sort it out.
Thanks.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Hey! G'day, mate.
- Hey.
What's going on? We can talk about stuff, right, manu a manu? Yeah! Course you can.
Come in, mate.
Yeah, no I won't stay.
Is something wrong? Yeah, uh Poppy's on this dating app and she come up on my profile due to our location and the fact that she's lied about her age.
And [STAMMERS.]
She's looking for sugar daddies.
What? I'm just only on there to see if there's anyone round here that I've missed.
Yeah, no, I think you're wrong, mate.
It'll be someone that looks like Pops, that's all.
Well, I I took a screenshot.
Poppy, we need to have a chat.
Um look, I know you're lonely, OK.
And I know you grew up in a place where there weren't a lot of other kids around.
But This is dangerous behaviour.
What's wrong with dating a boy your own age? OK, I know you got hurt by Arlo.
But they're not all like him, OK? There are lots of nice boys in year 12.
- Yeah.
- And if this is about finding a Oh, my god! You need to stop.
No, dating apps are not the answer.
- I don't know what the question is - Dating apps? - Yes.
- She's thorough.
- It's not you? - No.
It sure looked like you, Pops.
Lindsay nicked my photo from Instagram.
She set up a heap of fake accounts and now she's on them as me, chatting up crusty old guys.
Oh my god! I tried to shut it down but I've been locked out.
- That's it.
- Wait, wait.
What are you doing? I'm going round there.
I'm gonna tell that little menace not to No way! No, you're not.
Just let me sort it out through the proper channels.
No.
She's already caused Poppy enough strife! I know.
I know that.
But I will sort it.
I promise you that.
Trust me.
I'm all over it.
GEORGE: Lots of things tie families together, good times, bad times.
I never had the misfortune to go to sea scouts, so I'll save you from the knot analogies.
- Hi.
- Hi! It's a care package from your dad.
I'll take that.
Thanks.
I have to go to work.
- I can give you a lift.
- I've got my bike.
Come on, Shay, this is silly.
I I know I overstepped the mark with the Joe thing.
- Please, don't.
- It was a mistake, and it was inappropriate.
I apologise.
Come on, Shay.
I'm dying here.
We used to be friends.
That was before I realised that you were two-faced.
And you were selfish.
OK.
I'm sorry that you think that.
Look, I just want to be left alone, OK? It is what it is.
What do I tell your dad? Tell him thanks for the groceries.
WOODY: You know, life before fatherhood was simple.
You just eat, sleep, surf, repeat.
A little bit of play, little bit of work, and you're done.
Now it's bullies, break-ups, these catfights.
It's doing my head in.
Being a parent is a delicate balance between guesswork and instinct.
Yeah, well, for you maybe.
You've known your daughter her entire life.
For me, 100% guesswork.
Yeah, you were dropped in the deep end.
At least you've got Tracey.
Yeah.
She's a total pro.
Thank God for stepmums, eh? KATIE: The ball working bee this weekend will be in the art room for those of you on the committee.
Um, we want people to feel like they're in a giant mirror ball, so, bring anything shiny.
Thank you, Lindsay.
Knock, knock.
Quick word with the class.
Now, you all know Constable Tom.
He's here to deliver a reminder about a very serious matter.
Yes.
Principal Dennis wanted me to remind you all that as of 2015, it is a criminal offence in New Zealand to intentionally cause harm by posting a digital communication.
He's talking about cyberbullying.
Under the legislation, such an offence is punishable by a maximum fine of 50,000 Dollars, or two years imprisonment.
And here at Weld District High, we have a zero tolerance policy.
That means no exceptions.
Now, obviously, we don't want to see anyone go to prison over stupid, pathetic, childish bullying.
But there will be other consequences, starting with a ban from the school ball next week.
Even if you have spent hundreds of dollars on a new hair colour.
- And I would like to add that - [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Hey, Poppy, maybe now she'll take down the accounts.
Hey, I heard about that court thing, with the guy that hit your mum.
Oh, yeah, right.
I'm really sorry you had to go through that.
Thanks.
And there I was being a cow to you.
I kind of deserved it.
I was a bit of a dick.
A little bit of a dick, yeah.
GEORGE: Fiona's new guy seems like a good bloke.
Yeah, apart from when he tried to turn part of the reserve into time share apartments.
Does Fiona know that? - Yeah, she's the one who stopped him.
- Yeah? Slammed him hard in the Environmental Court.
- [BUZZING.]
- That's my phone.
- G'day, Mary.
- Woody.
- How is it across the ditch? - It's not that great, actually.
Oh, no.
Why is that? Well, Gerry, one of my regulars, has been telling me he's been having some very interesting conversations with my daughter online.
OK, no, hold on, because I can explain everything.
Please do, because the girl I sent to New Zealand is not the kind of girl who writes, "I like beards.
They give me something to hold onto," to a 62-year-old trucker she's known since she was a toddler.
Hello? Yeah, yeah, I'm here.
Certino's sentence has been reduced.
He's going home to his family.
Well, I guess that's what we were thinking would happen.
- You OK? - Yeah.
Sorry, George, the dishwasher's doing that thing.
Oh.
Two ticks.
Good thing he's got someone to hold his hand through all this.
It's the least I could do, really.
- Shay hates me.
- What? She told me that I was selfish and two-faced, and trying to replace her mum.
But I thought you two were close.
- We were but - What does George say? I haven't told him.
I can't.
But then I can't also not tell him because Shay's staying away because of me and it's so awful.
I wish I could help.
- [BABY CRIES.]
- Sorry, I have to go.
Our au pair was poached.
Tell George I'll check in with him tomorrow.
OK.
OK.
I didn't realise the hearing was today.
Hey, um, Grandma just called.
Nick Certino walked.
Thanks to us, she said.
She's pretty upset.
Yeah, I know Trish thinks otherwise but we did the right thing.
Yeah, you definitely did.
Your mother would be proud.
It's the full stop we needed.
Yeah.
First day of the rest of our lives, huh? Yes, Arlo.
Tom and I had a really good talk to the kids today and we are confident the message got through.
What does that mean, "A really good talk"? W-What happened with Lindsay? - Oh, she got the idea.
- The idea about what? Did you expel her? Or did you fine her? Honey, there's no proof that it was actually her.
Babe, we know it was Lindsay.
You suspect it was Lindsay.
Yeah, well, then let's charge her! Woody, let me handle things my own way, OK? I know what I'm doing.
She was very good today.
Frightening.
Yeah, well, not as frightening as Poppy's mum when she called me from Australia today.
- She did? - Yeah.
I told her that we're handling it.
Well, we are.
Yeah.
Not very well.
Looks like fun.
With a capital 'F'.
When's your break? We need to talk.
Here and now is good.
Nick Certino he got out.
Yesterday.
I thought Trish might have called you.
She left a couple of messages.
I know it's not what you want.
At least Katie must be stoked.
- What do you mean? - I don't like what she did, OK? Sorry? Don't act like this is news to you.
I know she would have told you.
Told me what? That stupid intervention, Dad.
She had no business.
She's part of the family now, Shay.
That makes it her business.
Wow, that was fast.
Am I not allowed to be happy? She's trying to replace Mum.
No, she's not.
Hold on.
Did you tell her that? - Yes, and I don't - How dare you! How dare you treat someone who's only ever cared for you Wow.
And you're taking her side.
Yeah, because you're behaving like a mean, little brat.
I'm ashamed of you.
- Hi, George.
- Hi.
SHAY: 96.
96 what? Hours of happiness.
I counted them.
From the time I saw that rainbow at the cove till it all came tumbling down again.
Nobody said adulting was easy.
I better get back to work.
Or not.
You are dying a slow death at the store.
And cleaning.
Look at your hands.
I need to wear gloves, hey? Hey, remember my book of dream destinations? - Mmm.
- Come with me.
I can't.
We don't only have to do haunted places.
We can do touristy things too.
You're really gonna go? If I don't soon, I never will.
We've got to get off these little islands, Shay.
- KATIE: How did you go? - Which bit? The bit where I tell Shay that her mother's killer's walked free? Or the bit where she tells me she's been blaming you for it? Oh I'm sorry.
I believe honest and transparent were what we promised each other.
I didn't want to come between you two.
I didn't want you to get angry at her.
Well, I am.
I'm pissed off at her.
- You didn't say anything, did you? - No, no, I shouted it.
In the Super Store, I completely lost my cool.
That is exactly what I was trying to avoid.
Yeah, well, bit of advance warning would have been good.
I'm sorry.
Let's regroup.
Dinner, wine.
I'll cook.
I I think that Billy and I need a night at home.
Are you angry with me? I just think that we could all do with some breathing room.
OK.
- LINDSAY: Bye.
- GIRLS: See ya.
Poppy closed her accounts.
The old guys must be gutted.
You know what you used to be better than this.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Uh, I was wondering, do you want to go to the ball with me and Billy? And Billy? Yeah, as as friends.
It's not like a date.
I'm not trying to get back with you.
Just The school slag goes to the ball with two guys.
They'll love that.
You're not the school slag.
No, thanks, Arlo.
OK.
To the Billy part.
We don't need a chaperone.
What's going on? Sorry, Katie.
You do know your house has been on the market for years? Unofficially.
I thought I needed three months' warning.
That would be true if you had a contract.
It's Weld.
We don't do contracts.
And in this case, it's come back to bite you on the bum.
Ow! Well when's the first open home? Good news.
No open homes.
That's something, I guess.
Years of stuff, the gallery? We will all help.
I can load up the police ute on move day.
Billy's placenta is buried in the garden under the titoki.
We don't have to dig it up, do we? I mean, there is another solution.
You can move into the Turner house.
- No, Hannah.
- Can we? He's a much better cook than you are.
Oh, sex and food on tap.
You can't get better than that.
I'm not having this conversation.
Katie just needs some time to think.
Yeah, as long as it's under three weeks.
You know, that probably is worth a discussion with George.
One I might consider having if I wasn't currently giving him some space.
GEORGE: What I've come to learn is family ties are remarkably fragile.
- Sometimes they break.
- [GLASS CLATTERS.]
And sometimes they just come undone.
And it's then I regret never going to sea scouts and learning how to tie knots.
Duty free.
Want one? - What are you doing here? - Saving the day.
After chatting last night, I dropped everything, booked the next available flight and voila.
- Chatting? - Katie and I.
Turners are in crisis, here I am.
I wouldn't say 'crisis'.
And how can you just drop everything? You've got twins.
Steve the super house hubby.
Where is everyone? Well, Katie and I are having some space.
And I have no idea where Arlo is.
And Shay is crashing and burning.
See? You do need me, George.
[GLASSES CLINK.]
Letter of resignation.
- What? - Effective immediately.
But I need four weeks' notice.
It's Weld, Dad.
Nobody does contracts.
Damn it.
And I'll need to borrow a suitcase.
Siouxsie just resigned.
Believe that? You don't want a job, do you? - What I need is a house to rent.
- Right.
Now, this is a goodie.
Thrive on Ocean View Drive.
- That's nice.
- Mmm.
- How much? - It's 1,000.
A month? I can stretch to that.
- A week.
- Oh.
So Hey, how do you feel about living a little bit further out of town? See youse.
Where are you going? Meeting Arlo.
- What? - That's great! Yeah.
And I'll see you both at the working bee.
Sure thing.
Well see you later.
See? She's happy again.
All the social media pages have been taken down.
Hey, I know how to principal.
Yeah, you did good, babe.
Sean was talking about farming them but I'm pretty sure he just got her as a pet.
Does he take her for walks? I think she'd like to go for a walk.
Would you, Maxine? Do you want to go for a walk? [MAXINE BLEATS.]
I can't today.
I have an election on.
Look, I just said I cannot leave Weld today.
Well, there must be somebody else.
Hello? Ballot papers.
Yeah, new ballot papers.
This has still got Sean's name on it.
- About that, I - Oh, we've been through this, Bill.
Nobody else even has a platform, Dad.
Weld's sewerage system is a mess.
You can't even handle a simple admin request! That llama would do a better job than you! - [LAUGHS.]
- That's not what females do.
- Come on, Maxine.
- Come on.
It's alright.
- Who's this? - This is Maxine.
Say hello, Maxine.
And it's an alpaca, not a llama.
I'm just looking after her while Sean's away.
Very intelligent animals, alpacas.
Right.
Come on.
Is this election even legal? Amalgamation will mean big changes.
We're not going down without a fight.
Except you, George, have other things to worry about.
Like the ladies in your life.
I've left them both several messages.
- And? Nothing.
- Not as yet.
Right.
You sort your girlfriend.
I'll sort my goddaughter.
Thank you.
Can I have a flat white and almond soy latte to go, please? Oh, are you off to see Katie? The only person round here who drinks almond soy lattes.
Hope she's doing dinner today.
Tell her my offer still stands, to help with the move.
And I could always do with some extra flatmates if she gets desperate.
And she can store her stuff at my place till she's sorted.
Am I missing something? You're counting on me I'm counting on you I got your back When you're stranded high Comin' in like the tide I hope you know I'm on your side Don't matter if you're losing the fight Or claiming the prize I hope you know that I got your back - Hey, hey.
- [SOBS.]
I got your back.
I must have looked like a total nutcase.
Taking an axe to a picture of Monty is better than taking an axe to Monty.
[LAUGHS.]
It's not even him I'm angry at.
He's just doing his job.
And I know he feels bad.
It's just I was finally happy.
I allowed myself to think that maybe Hey, hey, hey, you can still be happy.
And OK, yes, this is your home.
But you'll find another one.
We'll get through it.
All of it.
Never fear.
Wise aunty is here.
All the way from Australia.
Wow.
Dad really brought out the big guns, huh? I used to look at your mum and I used to feel so jealous.
- She had it all mapped out.
- Yeah? Travel, law school, graduate, junior associate, senior associate, partner, family in between.
- And she did it all.
- Yeah, she did.
But you you're more like your dad or Katie.
You're artistic.
Your path, it's not so straightforward.
So how did Dad handle it? Floundered around doing random jobs to finance his writing habit.
Fish factory, bike courier.
Oh, please tell me he didn't go full lycra.
[CHUCKLES.]
Katie's a lovely lady, Shay.
She's kind, she's caring, she's really good for your dad.
Yeah.
Yeah, I get that.
You will always be Laura's daughter.
You don't ever have to worry about that.
I wish I was more like her.
Don't we all, kiddo? Meanwhile, I have an idea.
While you're pondering all this, you could come live with me.
Free room, your own ensuite, view of Sydney Harbour, all in return for a teensy-weensy bit of baby minding.
What do you say? Oh, you're serious? It's a good turnout.
Look at Big Mac.
- He's loving it.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
My goodness, is that Jan? Yeah, yeah.
Here to solve all our problems.
Oh, after I moaned to her.
I'm sorry.
Oh, sweet! Mum's here.
Before you say anything, I am just here for the election, Monty.
No other reason.
Sure, Ngahuia.
I really got that impression when we were 16, the night before last.
Oh, no Jolene, she's so cute.
Oh! 30 hours of labour, though.
- Yeah, but worth it.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey! Gorgeous.
- You like babies? - Who doesn't like babies? Stafford have voted.
No amalgamation of our two councils.
- Yes! - Oh my god, you did it, this silly republic thing.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have news.
In an epic David and Goliath battle, Weld have stood strong against Stafford and we remain separate towns.
To celebrate, we are going to elect our president.
Here's Bill Junior's new girlfriend.
Attention, good people of the Republic of Weld.
I wish to announce a new entrant into the presidential race.
Maxine the alpaca will be the third candidate.
Because someone recently told me that Maxine would make an excellent president.
MAN: The polling booths are open.
This late-breaking candidate's gonna make things interesting.
The alpaca-lypse is upon us.
Oh, dear, woe.
So, I call Mary up.
I tell her it's all good.
We've handled it.
Pops is sweet as.
And she was OK? Well, yeah, because then I told her, "Why don't you just fly over, see for yourself?" - And she said? - Yeah, she booked the tickets.
- Great.
- Yeah.
So she's gonna come to the school ball but I'm keeping it a complete surprise for Poppy.
Not for Tracey, though.
No more surprises for Tracey.
No.
No, no, no, of course not.
Hey, did you notice Poppy and Arlo are mates again? Yeah.
Maybe the rough patch is over, eh? Well, I ticked your box.
How? You're not even from Weld.
Special vote.
You could check if they want to keep tenants on.
Well, they're out-of-town vendors so I'm mostly dealing with a lawyer.
They won't want to keep tenants.
Katie, I need a word.
- What's with her? - I sold her house.
Good for you.
Yeah, well, now she's got nowhere to live.
Sometimes it's not very easy being me, Ngahuia.
Oh, she'll find somewhere else.
Harden up, darling.
Move in with me.
George, we can't take a big step like this just 'cause I'm having some bad luck.
- Why not? - Because Yeah, I know this is inspired by your situation but But who cares? What if it's a disaster? Well, then you can move out and we'll carry on as normal.
But something tells me it's not gonna be a disaster.
Because, well, Billy and Arlo get on really well.
And, you know, I'm a clean person.
And you're not a slob.
- And - [LAUGHS.]
And because I love you.
Because I love you.
Oh.
I love you too.
So is that a yes? I have conditions.
- I see.
- [LAUGHS.]
I'm not moving in unless your children are absolutely fine with that.
Both of your children.
They will be.
Oh, thanks.
It's so great you two are back together.
Oh, we're not, um, back together.
Who knows what could happen when the school gym turns into a dance floor? You guys seen that movie Pretty In Pink? My mum made me watch it once.
I've seen all those old ones, The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles.
Hey, what do we all think about having a prom queen? Well, we're a republic.
I don't think queens are allowed.
No-one asked you, man baby.
Leave him alone.
Uh, did somebody hear that squeaking? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Ignore it.
We're all supposed to be working together to make a successful ball, remember? What this ball needs is a pinata.
Somebody hand me the hot glue gun.
- Just leave him alone.
- She wouldn't dare.
Watch me, shackle dragger.
I don't even know what that means.
You're all convicts, aren't you? Give me your glasses.
I'm gonna glue them to your face.
I am definitely not giving you my glasses.
Give them to me or I'll take them.
- One - You're being a dick.
.
.
two, three.
Ow! [SCREAMS.]
- Um - [SOBS.]
- What happened? - [SOBS.]
Oh my god! The result for the first-ever election for the independent Republic of Weld is in.
The envelope, please, Tom.
Are you sure this is right? Any way you count them, the alpaca was the winner on the day.
Thanks, Thomas.
Great.
Sorry.
And vice-president Fiona.
Yes! Sorry.
Well done.
I voted for Zac.
I thought he needed a win.
- Yeah.
Let's get out of here.
- Yes.
I know we've had our differences lately but that was genius.
I think Maxine represents all of our interests here in Weld, Woody.
I don't know about that but it was bloody funny, mate.
- [PHONE DINGS.]
- Ooh.
[PHONE RINGS.]
"Come to school immediately.
" "Come to school.
" You attacked Lindsay with scissors.
Attacked her hair with scissors.
Her hair.
In full view of the rest of the ball committee when she hadn't even laid a finger on you.
She was gonna hurt Billy.
- Was gonna? - Yes! And yet she didn't lay a finger on him either.
Why are you defending that evil little bitch? Because the facts are all that matter here, Woody.
And the fact is I explicitly warned you to stop.
And yet I'm sorry, Poppy, but you're banned from the ball.
What? Trace, you're her bloody stepmum! I'm the principal, Woody.
Hey, keep your daughter in line, would you? You get yours in line, mate.
Have you told him what you've been doing to Poppy? Hey, don't talk to my daughter like that.
If you took your head out of your arse for a second, mate, you'd see what she's actually like, you know.
My head isn't up my arse! Hey, stop it! How does this help? Wait in my office.
Come on.
Surely Miss Dennis won't punish her.
She was defending me.
It doesn't look good, though.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
- Hey! - Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi! Just take a seat.
Dinner's almost ready.
Hey, um, thanks for today.
I've decided what I want to do with my life.
Wow.
I am intrigued.
What's this? OK, so Jan pointed out today that I'm kind of going nowhere, what with the Super Store and being a cleaner.
Yeah, I'm glad somebody else finally noticed.
Thank you, Arlo.
So I thought about what I want to do.
And, um Jan said that I'm my mother's daughter.
So I want to go to law school.
I want to be a lawyer, like her.
Hold on.
I'm sorry Um, Shay, I thought we talked about you doing something creative.
Art is a hobby not a living.
Can I just point out in a kind and loving way, you haven't even finished high school.
No kidding, Arlo.
I'll go back.
Cool.
She'll be in our class.
You'd be considered an adult student.
You wouldn't even have to wear a uniform.
I'll um have to move back in here, if that's OK.
Oh Yeah, yeah, course.
Look, are you sure that law school is what you want to do? I really want to honour Mum's memory.
- I don't see what's wrong with that.
- Yeah, good.
Good.
Great.
I'll get the dinner.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
Hi.
- How's Poppy doing? - How do you reckon, Trace? She's gutted.
- Yeah, well, so am I, Woody.
- Yeah? Then unban her.
- I can't do that.
- You can.
You said it yourself, you're the bloody principal.
Which means I can't go back on my decision.
- Not even if it's a crap decision? - Woody First, you suspend her, Trace, then you ban her Because she was physically violent both times.
I don't know.
I'm starting to think you've got something against the kid.
- That's unfair.
- No.
What's unfair is that I invited her mum here as a surprise to see her go to that ball.
You what? And now you've gone and you've done this.
Oh, for God's sake, Woody.
I am the one that wanted this ball to be a success.
It's Poppy What am I supposed to tell her mum, Trace?! Hey, what, that she may as well just turn around and go back home? Yeah.
Tell her to take her daughter with her.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
- Righto.
- Woody, please [DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.]
Um, well, thanks for dinner.
I'll drop some stuff off tomorrow.
Yeah.
See you then.
[EXHALES.]
It's good she's finally found some focus.
I'm not convinced.
She sure put a dent in our plans, though.
Mmm.
No room at the inn.
[GROANS.]
We could make room.
Billy and Arlo could share.
[CHUCKLES.]
They're too old for that.
And it wouldn't be right with Shay here.
Take it off the table for now.
I meant it, what I said today.
Say it again.
I love you.
And your generous, selfless heart.
- Night, George.
- Goodnight.
I had no idea that was coming, George.
Law school? She's setting herself up for a fall.
I completely agree.
All that work and the exams.
I mean, Shay's hardly academic.
I came up with a perfect plan.
She'd come back to Sydney, work for me while she finds out what she wants to do.
At the magazine? No.
As my au pair.
Shay is drowning in Weld, George.
I am drowning in babies.
I thought we could come up with a mutually beneficial arrangement.
Of all the selfish, self-serving What? I'm trying to help.
What are you actually doing here, Jan? I mean, you've got two baby boys at home, not even a year old, and you run away every opportunity you get.
So says a father of the year.
What? You, letting your daughter waste away in some grocery store, while your son, well, ha, he seems to be going through every girl in town.
Oh, that's nice.
Where are you going? You know what.
I think we have both said quite enough for one evening.
[EXHALES.]
I wish you didn't live so far away.
I won't for much longer.
Did you find a house to buy? - Pass me some boxers? - Tell me.
Top drawer.
And not yet.
Tease.
Babe? How much did you see? Enough.
Alright, what do people want, plain or choc-chip? A tidy four-footer with my name on it.
But it's waffle weekend.
- Poppy? - Sorry.
Going for a walk.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Did she suspend you? Banned me from the ball.
Oh, really? Text me with live updates? No.
No, I'm not going without you.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? About last night we said some things.
That I'm neglecting my offspring and other choice offerings? We both crossed the line.
I shouldn't have come.
- Hi! - Hi.
- That one, yeah.
- Is it the left or the right? - Yeah and that one - [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Hello? - Come in.
Hello.
What do you think of George's reef knot, Madam Vice-President? What's happened? This whole republic thing, it's a farce.
Well, we knew that.
No, I mean there's a reason they wanted to stop the councils merging.
Because we're patriotic Weldians.
So that they can sneak in through our little council and rezone a whole bunch of land.
- Who's 'they'? - Big Mac and Vince.
In business together.
Screwing us all, selling clean, green Weld down the river.
Next Tuesday, the unmissable final episode, of '800 Words'.
How do you know it's time to pop the question? We've got a future together.
So what do you say? If you just say yes.
So.
Who'll tight the knot? And who will not.
Say good-bye to Australia's favourite family.
'800 Words'.
Next Tuesday, after the 'Good Doctor'.