All In The Family s03e15 Episode Script
Archie in the Hospital (aka Archie Goes to the Hospital)
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The Hit Parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew where You were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days [GROANS.]
Edith.
Edith! Edith! My back is killing me! ARCHIE: Edith! There he goes again.
Edith! [BAT KNOCKING ON FLOOR.]
[SIGHS.]
Ma, Daddy's calling again.
Ma.
Hey, why'd they stop talking on the TV? They're getting ready to operate on the little boy.
What's wrong with him? Well, the world-famous surgeon thinks it's a burst appendix, but Marcus Welby says it's nothing but a green apple bellyache.
Edith! Coming, Archie! Ma, you want me to go upstairs for you this time? Oh, would you, Gloria? Thank you.
Yeah.
What do you think it is, Ma? Well, I got to go along with Dr.
Welby.
I don't think it's I think it's just a green apple bellyache.
Ma, I was talking about Archie.
Oh, no.
Archie never eats apples unless they're cooked.
Edith! Edith! Edith! I'm here, Daddy.
You ain't Edith.
Where's your mother? She's downstairs resting.
She's tired, Daddy.
She's tired? I'm the one that's been laying here all week.
Yeah, laying up here banging on the floor, making all that noise.
Why do you keep that stupid baseball bat in the bedroom for, anyway? Listen, little girl, this is household security-- my old ball bat from high school days.
If you'd have been born a boy like you should have been, you'd have inherited that.
I'm sorry I disappointed you, Daddy.
Now, what'd you want? I called Stretch Cunningham down at work about five hours ago.
Did he call me back? No, he didn't.
Well, they must be in awful trouble down there on the job without me.
Are you sure our phone is working okay? I'm sure, Daddy.
I'd never know anything up here all by myself.
I feel like I'm shipwrecked on a desert island.
Jeez, even Robinson Crusoe had company on Friday.
Listen, Daddy, I'm sorry you're in pain, but it's not gonna do you any good to worry about work.
I'm sure they're getting along down there without you just fine.
What do you mean by that? Nothing.
All I meant was nobody's indispensable.
Well, you're wrong.
I happen to be the most dispensable guy down there.
I'm sorry, Archie.
What did you want? One, I want my back rubbed.
And two, when I call for you, I don't want the second team sent up here.
Thanks a lot, Daddy.
It's really nice to be appreciated.
Oh, he didn't mean nothing, Gloria.
It's just the pain talking.
I'll see you later, Ma.
It's just the pain talking.
You're the only pain that's talking.
Come on and rub my back now.
And don't hurt me! Oh, Edith! Your fingers are as cold as tricycles here! [SCREAMS.]
[SIGHS.]
How's Archie? He's okay.
Boy, I wish he'd get laryngitis some time.
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
Hello? No, he's sick upstairs in bed.
Can I please tell him who called? Oh, he's been expecting your call.
Michael, it's Stretch Cunningham from the plant.
Who cares? Oh, good, he'll be happy to hear that.
Yes, thank you.
ARCHIE: [YELLING.]
Who's that on the phone? Excuse me a second.
Daddy, it's Stretch Cunningham from the plant.
He says don't worry about the job.
Stay in bed.
They're doing fine without you.
ARCHIE: Hold that phone! I'm coming down! Hold on, Mr.
Cunn-- ARCHIE: Hold on! My father wants to speak to you.
Edith, what are you doing to me? I'm trying to help you.
You got the right arm in the wrong hole.
Get away from me, Edith, get away! Give me the phone.
Get over there.
[CALMLY.]
Hiya, Stretch.
Well, I just wanted to know how everything was down at work.
Fine, huh? Well, how's the new guy, Chuck Matthews, because I-- Yeah, I know he's as strong as an ox.
Well, no, no, I just wanted to say that I'll be well in a couple of days.
I'll come down and straighten everything out for you.
Everything's all straightened out anyway.
Yeah, well, all right, Stretch.
No, that's all right.
Thanks for calling me back, yeah.
Yeah, goodbye you lousy crumb.
Well, it was nice of him to call you and put your mind at rest.
Aw, put the robe on me, will you, Edith, and don't talk, it makes the pain worse.
Help me over to the chair.
Aren't you going back to bed? No, I ain't.
And will you get your little keister out of my chair? Archie, you don't want the doctor to come and find you up.
It makes a better impression if you ain't walking around.
Oh, yeah? Well, I got news for you.
They don't care if you're up or down.
Doctors.
You could be hanging in a closet for all they care, bunch of butchers.
They treat you like you was a side of beef.
[GROANS.]
[GROANS.]
Oh, gee.
Pain goes through me like a knife.
You probably aggravated it when you came down.
What was so important about that phone call anyway? It talks.
I thought that was a dummy out of the wax museum, but it's alive.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look at him, gawking over his checkers there.
It's not checkers, it's chess.
Aw, tell me something I don't know, huh? I know it's chess.
I'll tell you something that you don't know.
That there's a Commie game.
Chess is a Commie game? See? You didn't know that.
Certainly.
Them Russians forced that there game on the kids in kindergarten, instead of learning them handball.
Edith, I wonder what Stretch Cunningham meant when he said they was doing good without me down at work.
[GROANS.]
Hey, look at that.
Every time you mention work, your back gets worse.
You know, I think your illness is psychosomatic.
Psychosomatic? What's that? Oh, my, I hope it ain't as bad as the heartbreak of psoriasis.
Well, is it? Psychosomatic means your problem is all in your mind.
See, sometimes, worry can bring on all all the symptoms of a physical illness.
Daddy, have you been worried about your job? I ain't worried about my job! Archie, I didn't know you was worried about your job.
Stifle yourself, huh? It's that new guy, right? Chuck Matthews.
No! Sure, he's young, he's strong.
You're worried he's gonna take over for you down there.
That is a lie! I-- [SCREAMING.]
Get away from me! Get away from me! Edith, get the feet down! Edith, Edith! Help me, help me, Edith! [HOWLING.]
You hurt me, you hurt me, you hurt me! [DOORBELL BUZZES.]
Hello, Gloria.
[COUGHING AND GAGGING.]
Come on in, doctor.
Dr.
Spence, thank you for coming.
Archie has been in a lot of pain.
Edith, I'll tell the doctor about my own pain! Oh, gee.
Come on upstairs, will you? [HACKING.]
Oh, my, doctor, that cough don't sound too good.
It's the pollution.
It's gonna kill us all.
Oh, my.
I hope he can help your father.
Don't worry, Ma.
Daddy'll be all right.
Oh, I hope so, because he ain't too good at feeling bad.
It's like having a wounded bear around the house all day.
It ain't so good at night neither.
Archie keeps waking me up to turn him over, and sometimes he rolls back again before I can get out of the way.
Oh, no! Oh, yeah, my arm's the only part of me that went to sleep all night.
I'd better get up there and see what's going on.
[HACKING.]
Oh, jeez Well, what do you think, doc, huh? Well, you want to know what I think [HACKING, GAGGING.]
Doc you're germinating all over me here.
Doctor, how is Archie? Will he have to stay home much longer? No, just today, Mrs.
Bunker.
Oh, that's good, Archie.
Tomorrow, I want him to go into the hospital.
WOMAN: Mr.
Bunker.
What? Huh? Wake up, Mr.
Bunker.
Time for your pill, Mr.
Bunker.
[MOANS.]
Another sleeping pill, I suppose.
Everything all right, Mr.
Duval? [FRENCH ACCENT.]
Oh, yes.
I think I'm going to like this room better than my old one.
Yes, it's nearer to the kitchen too.
Some of your meals might still be warm when you get them.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
You Americans are so funny.
Hey, nurse.
What'd they do, move another guy in there while I was sleeping? Yes, Mr.
Bunker, you have a new neighbor.
Oh, I'm glad for the company.
Open the partition so we can see each other.
I'm sorry, it's stuck.
I'll get one of the men to come up and fix it.
Yeah, well, while you're at it, tell my doc to come and see me, will you? I ain't seen that croaker in two days.
Dr.
Spence will be coming in later.
Now try to relax.
Relax, they tell you.
Just when you get all relaxed, they come around and try and shove a pill at you or a bedpan under you.
[SIGHS.]
Then when you really need a bedpan, all the nurses are shooting pool or something.
Oh, you are quite right, my friend.
We are at their mercy.
Uh, permit me to introduce myself.
Jean Duval.
Oh, nice to meet you there, Johnny.
No, no, no, no.
Ce n'est pas "Johnny," c'est "Jean.
" J-E-A-N.
That's Jean.
Hey, are you sure you're a boy over there? [LAUGHS.]
I think so.
Just a moment, I will check.
Yes, I am a boy.
That's a funny one there, John.
Hey, you sound like a Frenchy.
Are you? Oui, from Martinique.
I'm from Queens, New York.
Archie Bunker's my name.
What are you in for, John? Well, I had this pain in my back.
Hey, that's what I got.
Fortunately, they found out what the trouble was.
Well, tell me, will you? What is it? An epidural cyst.
That sounds like an important part of you.
Oh, I should hope not.
They cut me open and took it out.
Well, I think I want to keep mine.
[HACKING AND COUGHING.]
That's my doctor now.
[CONTINUES TO HACK.]
Hey, doc, where you been, and why you leave me alone like this here? These nurses are sticking so many needles into me, you'd think they was hooking a rug.
I'm sorry, but we have to make an exhaustive diagnostic evaluation.
Well, can't you do that after you find out what's wrong with me? Well, it doesn't seem to be rheumatic, and you haven't slipped a disc, so, uh So, what? Well, we'll just have to look deeper.
Oh, hold it, hold it, doc.
You ain't going to go cutting into me now, are you? Oh, no, no, no, I wouldn't do that.
Well, that's a load off my mind.
We'd get a surgeon to do it.
Will you please cut the funnies? Only if we have to.
[HACKING.]
[WHEEZES.]
Have you got a cigarette? No! See you later.
Wait a minute.
You just got here! Don't worry.
I'm stopping in to see you tonight.
Oh, well, good.
If not tonight, maybe the day after tomorrow.
[LAUGHS.]
[HACKING.]
Ain't he a beauty? Hey, here he is.
How you doing, Arch? Oh, hiya there, Lionel! Come on in.
Hey, Louise, how are you? Hi, Archie.
We can't stay long.
I've got to get back to the store.
Oh, well, it's nice of you to drop around.
I brought you some nice, hot chicken soup.
You make chicken soup? Yeah, Mom makes it special, with ribs.
Stop it, Lionel.
Be serious.
Yeah.
Be serious, will ya? Do what your mother tells you.
Archie, aren't you going to introduce me to your family? Uh Uh, wait, wait, wait there.
Why Why wait? Your wife looks charming.
John, John, listen.
Her and me ain't married.
Oh, even better, mon vieux.
She gave you a fine-looking son anyway.
She never gave me nothing but chicken soup here.
Lionel! Lionel, tell Johnny you ain't my son.
Okay, whatever you say, Pop.
We're just neighbors, Mr.
, uh.
.
Duval.
Mrs.
Jefferson.
Lionel, don't be a wise guy now.
Make yourself useful while you're here.
Open up that partition so Johnny and me can see each other.
You mean you two haven't seen each other? No, they just wheeled him in here.
LOUISE: Uh, Lionel, I think we'd better go.
Aw, no, no.
No, wait a second, Ma.
We're just getting to the good part here.
Lionel Let's go.
We're late now.
Goodbye, Archie.
All right.
Nice to have met you, Mr.
Duval.
Enchanté, madame.
Ooh! Lionel, did you see that? Oh, Mr.
Duval.
Oh! Ah, a lovely woman.
Are you sure you're just neighbors, Archie? Oh, that's all we are! Jeez I mean, this ain't gay Paree, you know.
We don't go for that "viva the different stuff" over here.
[CHUCKLES.]
You mean vive la différence.
Oh, you say that pretty good.
But then you would, being French.
Hey, did you ever run across that there that there frog singer, you remember used to be alive uh Morris Chevrolet? Who? [FRENCH ACCENT.]
Every little breeze Seems to whisper Louise Birds in the trees Seem to whisper Archie! Aw, Edith, there.
Excuse me.
Archie, you must be feeling much better.
I ain't heard you do your Rudy Vallee imitation for years! Stifle yourself, huh? Hi, Arch.
Hi, hi.
Where's Gloria? Oh, she said she'd stop by on her way from work.
I wish you could say you'd stop by on your way from work.
You know, Arch, it's really a thrill visiting you.
Hey, Johnny.
Hey, here's my real wife now.
Edith, say hello to Johnny Duval over there.
He's a Frenchman.
Bonjour, madame.
How do you do, Monsewer? You don't have to talk French to him.
He talks English.
Ain't it funny, Archie? He don't look French.
Uh, pardon? I was just saying [LOUDLY.]
you don't look French! Really? Edith, you wouldn't know a Frenchy from a heinie.
Now, get over here, will you? Jeez.
[MIMICKING EDITH.]
"You don't look French.
" You could tell he was French from looking at him, huh? No, but from listening to him.
I ain't seen him yet with that partition there.
Oh, that explains it.
Archie, did Dr.
Spence find out what was wrong with your back? No.
He just keeps running in and out, looking for cigarettes.
I still think it's psychosomatic.
Well, you know what I think? What? Shut up! Archie, I brought you the Twinkies you asked for.
Leave the Twinkies on the table there, Edith, and listen to me, will you? This is serious.
I may be in here for a long time to come.
I may never get back to work.
Oh! Arch, Arch, don't you see how your mind is working? "I may be here for a long time.
I may never get back to work.
" And then your back starts to hurt.
I'm telling you, Arch, it's all in your mind.
It ain't in my mind! [HOWLING.]
See? See what I'm talking about? Get the doctor! Get the doctor! Get the doctor! Arch.
Get away from me.
Arch Get away from me Arch! Get away from me! Think of something else.
Get away from me! [MOANS.]
Psychosomatic.
Get away from me! JEAN: Archie, I am so sorry you're feeling so bad.
Oh, well.
It's pain, but I can put up with it there, Johnny.
Yeah, I learned to live with pain in the war, the big one.
The big one? Yeah, overseas in WWII.
We saved your country for you there, Jean.
Remember? Oh, yes, that was very nice of you, Archie.
Maybe someday we can return the favor.
Aw, forget it.
You know, John, you and me could be laying up here together for a long time.
I may never get back to work at the plant.
[GRUNTS.]
What kind of work do you do, Archie? Oh, I'm the boss of a loading bay, John.
I got some men under me there.
Stretch Cunningham, Black Elmo Black Elmo? Yeah, well, we call him that.
That ain't really his name, see, but there's two Elmos working down there, and we call this guy "Black Elmo" so as not to get him mixed up with regular Elmo.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, I see.
How many regular men do you have working for you, Archie? Oh, I got two, if you want to include this new guy, Chuck Matthews.
[MOANS.]
A young know-it-all.
A pain in the butt.
You think maybe he's after your job, Archie? [MOANS.]
Hey, hey Hey there, Johnny That's pretty sharp of you to come up with that one.
No, no, no.
I heard your son-in-law say it before.
It may be psychosomatic.
Aw, he don't know nothing, though.
You do.
Hey, John, you're a pretty sharp man there, which is what you and me got in common.
Hey, you know what I think? When the two of us get out of this joint, what we ought to do is, you ought to get your wife, and come over my house for supper some night.
Thank you, Archie, but you and I are how you sayuh two ships that pass in the night.
No, we ain't, John.
We can't let that happen, because you are my kind of people.
If you say so, Archie.
While I'm thinking about it, why don't I give you my address? You can write it down there.
Uh, hold it, Archie, I don't have a pen.
Oh, well, I got one over here, John, but, jeez, I can't reach it with the pain.
Okay, Archie, I'll get it.
And they let you get out of bed, huh? Certainement.
They say I should walk a little now every day.
[MOANS.]
Oh, lucky you.
Ready.
Who are you? Jean Duval.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait a minute! You said you was a Frenchman.
Oui.
Well, you didn't tell me you was black.
You didn't tell me you was white.
Well, white people don't have to go around telling other people that.
I shall remember that for future reference.
Oh, nurse.
Nurse, hey, nurse.
Archie, we can't find Dr.
Spence.
Oh, I don't care nothing about Dr.
Spence or this hospital! I'm getting the hell out of here! I'm going back to work! Archie! Look, Archie.
Look, he's moving around! I told you, psychosomatic! ARCHIE: Ah You! Psycho, psycho You and this guy ought to get together and make a record.
No, no, no, no, no.
He is right.
Your illness was psychosomatic.
It is, in fact.
But that is not what got you up on your feet again.
Huh? It wasthat old black magic.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Edith.
Edith! Edith! My back is killing me! ARCHIE: Edith! There he goes again.
Edith! [BAT KNOCKING ON FLOOR.]
[SIGHS.]
Ma, Daddy's calling again.
Ma.
Hey, why'd they stop talking on the TV? They're getting ready to operate on the little boy.
What's wrong with him? Well, the world-famous surgeon thinks it's a burst appendix, but Marcus Welby says it's nothing but a green apple bellyache.
Edith! Coming, Archie! Ma, you want me to go upstairs for you this time? Oh, would you, Gloria? Thank you.
Yeah.
What do you think it is, Ma? Well, I got to go along with Dr.
Welby.
I don't think it's I think it's just a green apple bellyache.
Ma, I was talking about Archie.
Oh, no.
Archie never eats apples unless they're cooked.
Edith! Edith! Edith! I'm here, Daddy.
You ain't Edith.
Where's your mother? She's downstairs resting.
She's tired, Daddy.
She's tired? I'm the one that's been laying here all week.
Yeah, laying up here banging on the floor, making all that noise.
Why do you keep that stupid baseball bat in the bedroom for, anyway? Listen, little girl, this is household security-- my old ball bat from high school days.
If you'd have been born a boy like you should have been, you'd have inherited that.
I'm sorry I disappointed you, Daddy.
Now, what'd you want? I called Stretch Cunningham down at work about five hours ago.
Did he call me back? No, he didn't.
Well, they must be in awful trouble down there on the job without me.
Are you sure our phone is working okay? I'm sure, Daddy.
I'd never know anything up here all by myself.
I feel like I'm shipwrecked on a desert island.
Jeez, even Robinson Crusoe had company on Friday.
Listen, Daddy, I'm sorry you're in pain, but it's not gonna do you any good to worry about work.
I'm sure they're getting along down there without you just fine.
What do you mean by that? Nothing.
All I meant was nobody's indispensable.
Well, you're wrong.
I happen to be the most dispensable guy down there.
I'm sorry, Archie.
What did you want? One, I want my back rubbed.
And two, when I call for you, I don't want the second team sent up here.
Thanks a lot, Daddy.
It's really nice to be appreciated.
Oh, he didn't mean nothing, Gloria.
It's just the pain talking.
I'll see you later, Ma.
It's just the pain talking.
You're the only pain that's talking.
Come on and rub my back now.
And don't hurt me! Oh, Edith! Your fingers are as cold as tricycles here! [SCREAMS.]
[SIGHS.]
How's Archie? He's okay.
Boy, I wish he'd get laryngitis some time.
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
Hello? No, he's sick upstairs in bed.
Can I please tell him who called? Oh, he's been expecting your call.
Michael, it's Stretch Cunningham from the plant.
Who cares? Oh, good, he'll be happy to hear that.
Yes, thank you.
ARCHIE: [YELLING.]
Who's that on the phone? Excuse me a second.
Daddy, it's Stretch Cunningham from the plant.
He says don't worry about the job.
Stay in bed.
They're doing fine without you.
ARCHIE: Hold that phone! I'm coming down! Hold on, Mr.
Cunn-- ARCHIE: Hold on! My father wants to speak to you.
Edith, what are you doing to me? I'm trying to help you.
You got the right arm in the wrong hole.
Get away from me, Edith, get away! Give me the phone.
Get over there.
[CALMLY.]
Hiya, Stretch.
Well, I just wanted to know how everything was down at work.
Fine, huh? Well, how's the new guy, Chuck Matthews, because I-- Yeah, I know he's as strong as an ox.
Well, no, no, I just wanted to say that I'll be well in a couple of days.
I'll come down and straighten everything out for you.
Everything's all straightened out anyway.
Yeah, well, all right, Stretch.
No, that's all right.
Thanks for calling me back, yeah.
Yeah, goodbye you lousy crumb.
Well, it was nice of him to call you and put your mind at rest.
Aw, put the robe on me, will you, Edith, and don't talk, it makes the pain worse.
Help me over to the chair.
Aren't you going back to bed? No, I ain't.
And will you get your little keister out of my chair? Archie, you don't want the doctor to come and find you up.
It makes a better impression if you ain't walking around.
Oh, yeah? Well, I got news for you.
They don't care if you're up or down.
Doctors.
You could be hanging in a closet for all they care, bunch of butchers.
They treat you like you was a side of beef.
[GROANS.]
[GROANS.]
Oh, gee.
Pain goes through me like a knife.
You probably aggravated it when you came down.
What was so important about that phone call anyway? It talks.
I thought that was a dummy out of the wax museum, but it's alive.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look at him, gawking over his checkers there.
It's not checkers, it's chess.
Aw, tell me something I don't know, huh? I know it's chess.
I'll tell you something that you don't know.
That there's a Commie game.
Chess is a Commie game? See? You didn't know that.
Certainly.
Them Russians forced that there game on the kids in kindergarten, instead of learning them handball.
Edith, I wonder what Stretch Cunningham meant when he said they was doing good without me down at work.
[GROANS.]
Hey, look at that.
Every time you mention work, your back gets worse.
You know, I think your illness is psychosomatic.
Psychosomatic? What's that? Oh, my, I hope it ain't as bad as the heartbreak of psoriasis.
Well, is it? Psychosomatic means your problem is all in your mind.
See, sometimes, worry can bring on all all the symptoms of a physical illness.
Daddy, have you been worried about your job? I ain't worried about my job! Archie, I didn't know you was worried about your job.
Stifle yourself, huh? It's that new guy, right? Chuck Matthews.
No! Sure, he's young, he's strong.
You're worried he's gonna take over for you down there.
That is a lie! I-- [SCREAMING.]
Get away from me! Get away from me! Edith, get the feet down! Edith, Edith! Help me, help me, Edith! [HOWLING.]
You hurt me, you hurt me, you hurt me! [DOORBELL BUZZES.]
Hello, Gloria.
[COUGHING AND GAGGING.]
Come on in, doctor.
Dr.
Spence, thank you for coming.
Archie has been in a lot of pain.
Edith, I'll tell the doctor about my own pain! Oh, gee.
Come on upstairs, will you? [HACKING.]
Oh, my, doctor, that cough don't sound too good.
It's the pollution.
It's gonna kill us all.
Oh, my.
I hope he can help your father.
Don't worry, Ma.
Daddy'll be all right.
Oh, I hope so, because he ain't too good at feeling bad.
It's like having a wounded bear around the house all day.
It ain't so good at night neither.
Archie keeps waking me up to turn him over, and sometimes he rolls back again before I can get out of the way.
Oh, no! Oh, yeah, my arm's the only part of me that went to sleep all night.
I'd better get up there and see what's going on.
[HACKING.]
Oh, jeez Well, what do you think, doc, huh? Well, you want to know what I think [HACKING, GAGGING.]
Doc you're germinating all over me here.
Doctor, how is Archie? Will he have to stay home much longer? No, just today, Mrs.
Bunker.
Oh, that's good, Archie.
Tomorrow, I want him to go into the hospital.
WOMAN: Mr.
Bunker.
What? Huh? Wake up, Mr.
Bunker.
Time for your pill, Mr.
Bunker.
[MOANS.]
Another sleeping pill, I suppose.
Everything all right, Mr.
Duval? [FRENCH ACCENT.]
Oh, yes.
I think I'm going to like this room better than my old one.
Yes, it's nearer to the kitchen too.
Some of your meals might still be warm when you get them.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
You Americans are so funny.
Hey, nurse.
What'd they do, move another guy in there while I was sleeping? Yes, Mr.
Bunker, you have a new neighbor.
Oh, I'm glad for the company.
Open the partition so we can see each other.
I'm sorry, it's stuck.
I'll get one of the men to come up and fix it.
Yeah, well, while you're at it, tell my doc to come and see me, will you? I ain't seen that croaker in two days.
Dr.
Spence will be coming in later.
Now try to relax.
Relax, they tell you.
Just when you get all relaxed, they come around and try and shove a pill at you or a bedpan under you.
[SIGHS.]
Then when you really need a bedpan, all the nurses are shooting pool or something.
Oh, you are quite right, my friend.
We are at their mercy.
Uh, permit me to introduce myself.
Jean Duval.
Oh, nice to meet you there, Johnny.
No, no, no, no.
Ce n'est pas "Johnny," c'est "Jean.
" J-E-A-N.
That's Jean.
Hey, are you sure you're a boy over there? [LAUGHS.]
I think so.
Just a moment, I will check.
Yes, I am a boy.
That's a funny one there, John.
Hey, you sound like a Frenchy.
Are you? Oui, from Martinique.
I'm from Queens, New York.
Archie Bunker's my name.
What are you in for, John? Well, I had this pain in my back.
Hey, that's what I got.
Fortunately, they found out what the trouble was.
Well, tell me, will you? What is it? An epidural cyst.
That sounds like an important part of you.
Oh, I should hope not.
They cut me open and took it out.
Well, I think I want to keep mine.
[HACKING AND COUGHING.]
That's my doctor now.
[CONTINUES TO HACK.]
Hey, doc, where you been, and why you leave me alone like this here? These nurses are sticking so many needles into me, you'd think they was hooking a rug.
I'm sorry, but we have to make an exhaustive diagnostic evaluation.
Well, can't you do that after you find out what's wrong with me? Well, it doesn't seem to be rheumatic, and you haven't slipped a disc, so, uh So, what? Well, we'll just have to look deeper.
Oh, hold it, hold it, doc.
You ain't going to go cutting into me now, are you? Oh, no, no, no, I wouldn't do that.
Well, that's a load off my mind.
We'd get a surgeon to do it.
Will you please cut the funnies? Only if we have to.
[HACKING.]
[WHEEZES.]
Have you got a cigarette? No! See you later.
Wait a minute.
You just got here! Don't worry.
I'm stopping in to see you tonight.
Oh, well, good.
If not tonight, maybe the day after tomorrow.
[LAUGHS.]
[HACKING.]
Ain't he a beauty? Hey, here he is.
How you doing, Arch? Oh, hiya there, Lionel! Come on in.
Hey, Louise, how are you? Hi, Archie.
We can't stay long.
I've got to get back to the store.
Oh, well, it's nice of you to drop around.
I brought you some nice, hot chicken soup.
You make chicken soup? Yeah, Mom makes it special, with ribs.
Stop it, Lionel.
Be serious.
Yeah.
Be serious, will ya? Do what your mother tells you.
Archie, aren't you going to introduce me to your family? Uh Uh, wait, wait, wait there.
Why Why wait? Your wife looks charming.
John, John, listen.
Her and me ain't married.
Oh, even better, mon vieux.
She gave you a fine-looking son anyway.
She never gave me nothing but chicken soup here.
Lionel! Lionel, tell Johnny you ain't my son.
Okay, whatever you say, Pop.
We're just neighbors, Mr.
, uh.
.
Duval.
Mrs.
Jefferson.
Lionel, don't be a wise guy now.
Make yourself useful while you're here.
Open up that partition so Johnny and me can see each other.
You mean you two haven't seen each other? No, they just wheeled him in here.
LOUISE: Uh, Lionel, I think we'd better go.
Aw, no, no.
No, wait a second, Ma.
We're just getting to the good part here.
Lionel Let's go.
We're late now.
Goodbye, Archie.
All right.
Nice to have met you, Mr.
Duval.
Enchanté, madame.
Ooh! Lionel, did you see that? Oh, Mr.
Duval.
Oh! Ah, a lovely woman.
Are you sure you're just neighbors, Archie? Oh, that's all we are! Jeez I mean, this ain't gay Paree, you know.
We don't go for that "viva the different stuff" over here.
[CHUCKLES.]
You mean vive la différence.
Oh, you say that pretty good.
But then you would, being French.
Hey, did you ever run across that there that there frog singer, you remember used to be alive uh Morris Chevrolet? Who? [FRENCH ACCENT.]
Every little breeze Seems to whisper Louise Birds in the trees Seem to whisper Archie! Aw, Edith, there.
Excuse me.
Archie, you must be feeling much better.
I ain't heard you do your Rudy Vallee imitation for years! Stifle yourself, huh? Hi, Arch.
Hi, hi.
Where's Gloria? Oh, she said she'd stop by on her way from work.
I wish you could say you'd stop by on your way from work.
You know, Arch, it's really a thrill visiting you.
Hey, Johnny.
Hey, here's my real wife now.
Edith, say hello to Johnny Duval over there.
He's a Frenchman.
Bonjour, madame.
How do you do, Monsewer? You don't have to talk French to him.
He talks English.
Ain't it funny, Archie? He don't look French.
Uh, pardon? I was just saying [LOUDLY.]
you don't look French! Really? Edith, you wouldn't know a Frenchy from a heinie.
Now, get over here, will you? Jeez.
[MIMICKING EDITH.]
"You don't look French.
" You could tell he was French from looking at him, huh? No, but from listening to him.
I ain't seen him yet with that partition there.
Oh, that explains it.
Archie, did Dr.
Spence find out what was wrong with your back? No.
He just keeps running in and out, looking for cigarettes.
I still think it's psychosomatic.
Well, you know what I think? What? Shut up! Archie, I brought you the Twinkies you asked for.
Leave the Twinkies on the table there, Edith, and listen to me, will you? This is serious.
I may be in here for a long time to come.
I may never get back to work.
Oh! Arch, Arch, don't you see how your mind is working? "I may be here for a long time.
I may never get back to work.
" And then your back starts to hurt.
I'm telling you, Arch, it's all in your mind.
It ain't in my mind! [HOWLING.]
See? See what I'm talking about? Get the doctor! Get the doctor! Get the doctor! Arch.
Get away from me.
Arch Get away from me Arch! Get away from me! Think of something else.
Get away from me! [MOANS.]
Psychosomatic.
Get away from me! JEAN: Archie, I am so sorry you're feeling so bad.
Oh, well.
It's pain, but I can put up with it there, Johnny.
Yeah, I learned to live with pain in the war, the big one.
The big one? Yeah, overseas in WWII.
We saved your country for you there, Jean.
Remember? Oh, yes, that was very nice of you, Archie.
Maybe someday we can return the favor.
Aw, forget it.
You know, John, you and me could be laying up here together for a long time.
I may never get back to work at the plant.
[GRUNTS.]
What kind of work do you do, Archie? Oh, I'm the boss of a loading bay, John.
I got some men under me there.
Stretch Cunningham, Black Elmo Black Elmo? Yeah, well, we call him that.
That ain't really his name, see, but there's two Elmos working down there, and we call this guy "Black Elmo" so as not to get him mixed up with regular Elmo.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, I see.
How many regular men do you have working for you, Archie? Oh, I got two, if you want to include this new guy, Chuck Matthews.
[MOANS.]
A young know-it-all.
A pain in the butt.
You think maybe he's after your job, Archie? [MOANS.]
Hey, hey Hey there, Johnny That's pretty sharp of you to come up with that one.
No, no, no.
I heard your son-in-law say it before.
It may be psychosomatic.
Aw, he don't know nothing, though.
You do.
Hey, John, you're a pretty sharp man there, which is what you and me got in common.
Hey, you know what I think? When the two of us get out of this joint, what we ought to do is, you ought to get your wife, and come over my house for supper some night.
Thank you, Archie, but you and I are how you sayuh two ships that pass in the night.
No, we ain't, John.
We can't let that happen, because you are my kind of people.
If you say so, Archie.
While I'm thinking about it, why don't I give you my address? You can write it down there.
Uh, hold it, Archie, I don't have a pen.
Oh, well, I got one over here, John, but, jeez, I can't reach it with the pain.
Okay, Archie, I'll get it.
And they let you get out of bed, huh? Certainement.
They say I should walk a little now every day.
[MOANS.]
Oh, lucky you.
Ready.
Who are you? Jean Duval.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait a minute! You said you was a Frenchman.
Oui.
Well, you didn't tell me you was black.
You didn't tell me you was white.
Well, white people don't have to go around telling other people that.
I shall remember that for future reference.
Oh, nurse.
Nurse, hey, nurse.
Archie, we can't find Dr.
Spence.
Oh, I don't care nothing about Dr.
Spence or this hospital! I'm getting the hell out of here! I'm going back to work! Archie! Look, Archie.
Look, he's moving around! I told you, psychosomatic! ARCHIE: Ah You! Psycho, psycho You and this guy ought to get together and make a record.
No, no, no, no, no.
He is right.
Your illness was psychosomatic.
It is, in fact.
But that is not what got you up on your feet again.
Huh? It wasthat old black magic.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.