Batman (1966) s03e15 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
A typically beautiful day in Gotham City.
But the return of a dastardly duo and their deadly dragoons.
.
.
bodes darkening clouds.
- Let me help you cross, ma'am.
-Why thank you, sonny.
- Look out, ma'am! -Oh! Oh! I can't believe my eyes, sonny.
That looks like a band of Cossacks.
Yes, ma'am, it does.
Olga, Olga, wait for me.
Wait for me, Olga.
I do believe that's Egghead, the notorious arch-criminal.
But why is he riding that burro? What are those Cossacks doing in Gotham City? NARRATOR".
Good questions, indeed.
And the ominous answers are not far away.
At the Gotham City Museum - Wait a minute, what's going on here? -Oh, is nothing going on, my little piroshki.
Nothing to worry your head about.
Come back here, you.
You can't do this.
Is there Silver Scimitar of Taras Bulbul.
Never to be pulled out except by rightful heir to throne of Bessarovian Cossacks.
By me, Queen Olga legitimate ruler of Bessarovian Cossacks.
You'll never get away with this, you scoundrel! Shh.
This is a museum.
Quiet, please.
Olga? Olga, you could at least give me a horse.
I can't keep up with you.
I'm eggs-hausted.
Only Bessarovian Cossacks are riding horses, darling.
All others are having burros.
All right, all right.
As long as you remember our bargain.
I am remembering, darling.
Silver Scimitar for me golden egg for you.
-Heh, heh.
Imperial queen is ready.
Is done.
I, Olga, am possessor of Silver Scimitar of Taras Bulbul.
And I, Egghead, am possessor of the solid gold egg.
Unh! Now let's get out of here fast before the Gotham City cops arrive.
Oh, do not worry about cops, darling.
My Cossacks are making cops-burgers from them if they buttinsky.
Fine, fine, but let's get out of here anyway.
The Egg of Ogg and the Bulbul Scimitar? We'll get on it at once.
The Bulbul Scimitar? The Egg of Ogg? That's right, Chief O'Hara.
A frightening theft from the Gotham City Museum.
But what makes it even more frightening is who perpetrated it.
From all descriptions apparently Olga, Egghead, and that band of Bessarovian Cossacks.
Begorra.
I thought Egghead was behind bars and the Bessarovians had been sent back to Bessarovia.
Bessarovia didn't want the Bessarovians.
And Egghead's out on a legal technicality.
There's only one person who can help us.
Batman.
Oh, but I can hardly bring myself to call him again.
- Want me to call him? -No, no, no.
Wait, wait.
Give me a moment to summon my strength and courage.
For if ever strength and courage were needed in Gotham City, Chief O'Hara it's needed now.
Gosh, Bruce, that Genghis Khan was quite a guy.
In the 13th century, he and his Mongol armies almost conquered Europe.
Yes, Dick, the Mongols are fierce warriors.
Even today you can find pockets of them scattered throughout Asia.
- I'll get it, sir.
- Thank you.
One moment, commissioner.
Excuse me, sir, but Commissioner Gordon wishes to speak to you about certain pockets of criminal activity in Gotham City.
Thank you, Alfred.
Yes, commissioner? The Bulbul Scimitar and the Egg of Ogg? I see.
We'll be right down.
To the Batpoles.
There's no doubt it was Egghead, Olga, and the Cossacks? - None.
-Galloping through the streets they were too.
My department's had a dozen calls reporting a band of horsemen on the loose again.
- Holy Tartars.
-Unholy Tartars, Robin.
Stealing scimitars and golden eggs from a museum is one thing but when the average citizen on the street is in peril, something must be done and quickly.
Like rounding the interlopers up and shipping them out.
Ha, ha.
That's just it.
Nobody wants them.
Still, they have no diplomatic immunity from the laws of this city, this state and this country.
Gosh, no, and Egghead doesn't either.
He's a very stupid man, compounding all his felonies.
Women like Olga have been the downfall of far wiser men than Egghead, commissioner.
No, the invasion was just the beginning of the new nefarious plan of pilfer and plunder involving, no doubt, more egg targets of some kind.
We'll make a list of every egg target left in Gotham City, Batman.
NARRATOR".
But while the dynamic duo are organizing their defense ALL".
Hey, hey, hey! Oh, must they make so much noise, Olga? I can't hear myself think.
It is victory celebration, Eggski.
Cossack without victory dance is like egg without salt.
Well, that hits me where I live.
Heh, heh.
Well, let them dance.
There'll be bigger victories than this, and soon eggs-quisite victories.
Heh, heh.
- You have plans, Eggski? -Big plans, Olga, big plans.
The Scimitar of Taras Bulbul, the golden Egg of Ogg are only the beginning of a series of dastardly plans that will leave Gotham City begging for mercy.
Mercy! Ha! - My Cossacks are not giving mercy.
-No, of course not.
Mm.
You lovely, evil woman, not a drop of mercy.
Heh,heh,heh.
You are heartless, hairless man.
I'm liking you more and more.
Oh, and I you, Olga.
I, you.
Our meeting was destiny.
- And after we're married, Olga, we-- -Ah.
Hold horses, Eggski.
I told you before, no marriage without dowry.
But why do you think I'm planning all of these crimes for us, Olga? No, the loot will be your dowry and then we can be properly married.
I must have big dowry.
- Dowry fit for queen, imperatritsa.
-And you will, Olga.
You will, yes.
Yes, the series of crimes that I am planning will net you the largest dowry in history.
What is next crime? We're heisting a certain vault full of dehydrated roe.
Row? As in boat? No, no.
Roe as in fish egg.
And fish egg as in caviar.
And caviar as in a certain special cold-storage vault at the Gotham City bank.
Yes, a shipment of 500 pounds.
It was a gift from the czar of Samarqand to the people of Gotham City.
And it's worth $200 an ounce.
You won't have lunch with me, Daddy? I only wish I could, darling, but Gotham City is in too much danger right now for the police commissioner to take a leisurely lunch much as I'd like to.
-Danger? Incredible as it sounds, there is a band of Bessarovian Cossacks loose in Gotham City.
-You mean again? They're back? That's incredible.
But true, sad to say.
If the dynamic duo weren't helping us, I don't know what I'd do.
This is just between you and me, of course.
Now, I don't want it to spread, or there might be panic in the streets.
Don't worry.
I only wish there was something I could do to help.
There is something you can do.
You can help by going straight home and staying out of trouble.
Okay.
I'll go straight home.
But this is no time for me to stay out of trouble or off the streets.
Right, Charlie? However, I will change clothes before I go out again.
Come on, keep me company.
But you mustn't tell anyone what you see in here.
NARRATOR".
As Barbara Gordon makes her astonishing change into Batgirl and heads out on her own to prevent panic in the streets the Caped Crusaders are not idle.
"The Lo Hung Company, makers of egg drop soup Canes Candy Company, manufacturers of chocolate Easter eggs.
" Well, that's the last of them, Robin.
We've alerted every company in Gotham City that's even remotely connected with eggs.
You think Olga and Egghead might be planning some crime not connected with eggs? I doubt it, Robin.
Like all criminals, Egghead follows a particular predictable pattern.
But although we know the pattern, we don't know the particular crime.
We also don't know what part Olga and her Cossacks will play.
Quite true, Robin.
And I've been racking my brains trying to-- Wait a minute.
What country is located next to Bessarovia? - Samarqand, I think.
-Correct.
And both countries lie quite close to the Black Sea.
What do you know about the Black Sea? Well, it's famous for its sturgeon, its caviar-- Caviar! Right.
Caviar, fish eggs.
And the king of Samarqand recently sent a gift of 500 pounds of dehydrated royal caviar to Gotham City.
What's Gotham City gonna do with 500 pounds of dehydrated caviar? No one could decide.
So it's being stored in a specially-cooled vault at the Gotham National Bank.
- And it's worth $200 an ounce.
So -So? Let's go.
Now that we've moved most of our cash to our upstate branch I feel much better.
With Egghead in town, no bank is safe.
What's that? The Cossacks! Do not draw revolver, little shmyerdski or I am having Ossip bash you to beatniks.
Ossip, remove revolver from little shmyerdski.
You are head man here? Yes, and you might as well turn right around and go back where you came from.
There's no money in that vault.
But we will make look-see anyway, no? Ha.
Go ahead.
We shipped all of our money upstate.
Ha, ha.
Perhaps we're not coming for money.
Ha, ha, ha.
There's nothing else in there.
Ha,ha,ha,ha.
Perhaps you are forgetting the caviar? Good heavens, the caviar! Old Cossack saying: Do not make "ha" before eggs are safe.
Hm? Inside.
Snatch the caviar and make fast goodbye.
Whoa! Egghead! Who did you expect, Batman? Where are Olga and her Cossacks? Eggs-plain.
Oh, you're late.
They've already left with my caviar.
Why won't that woman slow down? I'll never catch up with her.
Shoot him! He's in league with that Cossack gang.
Oh, no, no.
Don't shoot, please.
NARRATOR".
At least Batgirl's found a one-man panic in the streets.
Oh, protect me, Batgirl.
That monster is going to shoot me.
Not so brave when your henchmen aren't around, are you? Oh, I never claimed to be brave, Batgirl.
No, I'm clever and crafty, but I'm a complete coward.
You won't let him shoot me? That depends.
Where are the Cossacks you've been running around with? Oh, they're gone, Batgirl.
They left before I came.
- Left for where, Egghead? -I don't know.
No? Well, they did mention their destination, but you see they speak Bessarovian and I don't speak the language.
Perhaps there are some other languages you do know, Egghead.
The language spoken by that guard's gun.
Oh, no.
Oh, please, you can't ask me to rat on my friends.
Oh, yes, I can.
And you'd better start ratting fast.
Do you expect me, a respected arch-criminal to fink on my friends like a common stool pigeon? Of course.
- All right, I'll do it.
-Let's go.
Oh, but it make take us some time.
You see, my burro is kind of slow.
Forget your burro.
Get on the back of my Batgirl cycle and show me your hideout.
On that thing? But I might be eggs-tinguished.
All right, then stay here.
But I won't be responsible for any stray bullets that just might happen your way.
No, wait for me.
Two blocks down and to the left.
Oh, Batman, thank heaven you're here.
The royal caviar has been stolen by that mad Bessarovian queen and her henchmen.
I was afraid we might be too late.
Where's Egghead? He arrived just after they left.
We were about to shoot-- I mean, arrest him when Batgirl drove up and convinced him to take her to his hideaway.
- The Cossacks.
-Exactly, Robin.
Batgirl is a match for any gang of ordinary hoodlums but for a wild band of Bessarovian Cossacks even her extraordinary abilities might not be enough.
Let's go.
We have to find that hideout before she does.
They went down that street and to the left, Batman.
Thank you, sir.
Oh.
Oh.
Well, this is it, Batgirl.
We're going in there, Egghead, and no funny business.
Oh, you can trust me, Batgirl.
I'd sooner trust a snake with fangs at both ends.
- Mush now.
-Yes.
Here we are, Batgirl.
The hideout is through that door.
Good.
Then open the door and announce me, Egghead.
And no tricks.
Tricks? Oh, Batgirl, how could you suspect me of trying to trick you? Hm.
I love caviar.
No testing.
Olga, Olga, my dear.
We have a visitor.
Batgirl.
Ah.
Very funny.
What is this joking, Eggski? Olga, my little bride-to-be, she was here not two seconds ago.
I brought her here so that we could ambush her.
The ambush is on the other foot now, Egghead.
You tricked me.
And now, my little pipkin you will do for us saber dance with frosted swords.
Dance it, yeah! She's good dancer, Eggski.
Yes, she's dancing to her grave.
Ha, ha, ha.
Naturally.
There it is, Batman.
Yes, Robin.
It's fortunate that the turbo engine on her cycle uses a radioactive spark plug so that we were able to trace it here with our Bat-geiger Counter.
We move carefully, Robin so that we'll be able to take them by surprise.
Now it's your turn to face the music, Olga.
Very sad we meet at funeral.
Your funeral, Batman.
I believe you overestimate your undertaking abilities, Egghead.
My Cossacks, hack them to shashliks.
Give them one for me, Batman.
Eggski, up from there.
Oh, but I might be hurt, Olga.
- You come with me, my little mousenik.
-Ah! - Grab her.
-Yes.
Ah! Unh! We are drowning her in caviar.
- Drowning her in caviar.
-Bye, Batgirl.
Come on, go! Help, Batman! I'm drowning! Unh! I'm also freezing! Batgirl's being frozen in that caviar.
There she is.
Batgirl, I'll untie you.
Thank you, Batman.
They almost turned me into a human hors d'oeuvre.
What a chilling way to die.
Holy cold creeps.
Leave it to crooks like them to think of a trick like this.
Yes, that's to be expected, Robin.
The concept of decency is alien to the criminal mind.
And thanks to me, they've escaped.
Perhaps crime-fighting is better left to the men, Batgirl.
Perhaps not.
But this isn't exactly women's work.
- But I'm no ordinary woman, Batman.
-Agreed.
At least we've recovered the dehydrated royal caviar.
It's lucky you had me surround that building once more, Batman.
Olga and Egghead ran right into the paddy wagon again.
Only this time, they didn't want to.
Heh, heh.
- Forewarned is forearmed, Chief O'Hara.
- That's true, Batman.
I'm sure they won't find caviar on the menu at Gotham State Prison.
Probably not, but they will get a well-balanced diet thanks to Warden Crichton's emphasis on proper nutrition.
What is it, Barbara? I just saw the strangest-looking car outside.
It was sort of greenish-gold and had what looked like whiskers on its front fenders.
A car with whiskers? Sounds like Catwoman's Kitty Car to me, Batman.
Catwoman was driving it.
And if I'm not mistaken, that arch-criminal the Joker was a passenger.
- Holy here we go again, Batman.
-I'm afraid you're right, old churn.
If Catwoman and Joker have joined forces it sounds like there's trouble right here in Gotham City.
NARRATOR".
And how right he is.
Trouble in a green fright wig.
Trouble in a car with whiskers.
More trouble than the Caped Crusaders have ever known.
Coming up on our next episode.