Brooklyn Nine-Nine s03e15 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the most anticipated event in this precinct's history.
The auction for The Suitcase of Mystery! Exactly, Jacob.
This puppy's been in the lost and found since 1976.
No one alive today knows its contents.
I'm happy to say Captain Holt has finally given me permission to auction it off.
I'll let you give me a spray tan.
Any shade you want.
Jake, willing to sacrifice his dignity.
- Who can top it? - Massage! I'll give you a massage.
Charles, going in the wrong direction and getting himself disqualified.
Interesting approach.
"Orange Jake", going once, going twice.
I'll show you a picture of me in high school.
- There is side-pony.
- Ooh, Rosa coming in hot! - Rosa coming in hot! - I'll also give you full control of my hair and wardrobe! I'll go on a date with you.
Sold! To Jake, not to Scully.
That really freaked me out, and I just want this to end now.
Whoo! So, there was this suitcase - I don't care.
- Yeah.
All right, everyone, enough morning chitchat.
Television happened, commutes were difficult, Boyle had a dream.
- I laid a goose egg on this - That's enough.
A pipe burst in the nine-eight, rendering the building uninhabitable.
They'll be sharing our space until the problem is fixed.
Oh, what? A whole other precinct in here? We're already packed in like sardines.
Look at this.
Man, I sure will love to be here to greet all these annoying losers, but sadly, Boyle and I are going to be on a stakeout all week.
Yeah, just two best buds stinking up a Saturn with our druthers of tunes and personal pan pizzas.
- That sucks.
- That sucks.
No one enjoyed that.
Look, I know this is an inconvenience; however, I expect you all to be accommodating to our guests.
Don't worry, sir, we will be cordial A.
F.
"As Frasier.
" Love that show.
They're here.
I hate those nine-eight losers.
Ugh.
These guys are the worst.
Hey, Stevie Schillens? Jakey P in the place to be.
What are you doing here? I thought you were in the one-two-four.
I was, man, but then I arrested all the bad guys in Staten, so I transferred to the nine-eight.
So dope.
Everyone, put on your parkas, 'cause this week just got a whole a lot more chill.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Allow me to introduce Stevie "Chillin'" Schillens.
He was my very first partner and one of the all-time greats.
Takes one to know one, man.
Come on.
I'm Charles! Wuh-oh.
Hey, what's up, man? I'm Stevie.
We heard.
Stevie and I were beat cops together.
We called ourselves the Beatsie Boys.
And, yeah, it was as cool as it sounds.
So what'cha, what'cha - What'cha want? - Cha want? I get so funny with the money that you flaunt So, y'all would just stand around like that? - Yeah! - All the time.
Totally get it.
My first partner was also pretty cool.
Everyone called us "Chucky and the Coot.
" So what'cha, what'cha - What'cha want? - Cha want? I get so funny with the money that you flaunt So, I guess we all had great partners that we've completely moved on from.
Because yours died of old age? He did.
Anyway, we should motor.
Jake and I are staking out a bar called the Thirsty Ox lot of crime, lot of danger, lot of downtime for inside jokes.
"Would you like some milk?" What? "Would you like some milk?" - The guy'cause you look like - I don't know - what you're talking about.
- "Would like the milk?" - Please.
- What is it from? He's funny.
He remembers.
Funny.
- Very funny.
- You know what's crazy? I've been tracking a dealer who just took a job at the Thirsty Ox.
No crap.
We should work the case together.
The Beatsie Boys reunion tour? Boys Will Always Be Boys.
No wait.
"Some Boys Never Change.
" No wait.
"Boys to Man back to Boys.
" No wait.
"Boy-ees!" No wait.
Please, make yourself at home.
Captain, why are you doing this? You hate people in your space.
Nonsense.
I'm an easygoing chap.
Okay.
I once saw you use a ruler to measure another ruler.
It was off by half a centimeter.
It never should've been in circulation.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Oh, he just sat at your desk.
Good.
Good.
I was hoping he would.
He's adjusting your chair settings.
Even the lumbar? Exclusively the lumbar.
So my spine'll hurt a little.
It's only a highway holding all your body's nerves.
Mm-hmm.
You guys have an extra mouse for my computer? No.
But, hey, here, you can borrow mine.
Terry knows his keyboard shortcuts! Whoop.
Just deleted everything.
- Sir, we have a problem.
- Yeah, we do.
The line for the microwave is insane! Seriously, Amy? Your problem is Hitchcock and Scully's frozen burritos? - No! - Yeah! Get our of here! Ugh! I'm trying to assemble my binders, but my new desk mate, Brian, brought a dog with him and my allergies are going crazy.
I'm so stuffy, I can't even enjoy that new binder smell.
He shouldn't have a pet in the precinct.
It's a "service animal" that he has made-up reasons.
I have mild foot pain, okay? Francie helps me with that.
- How? - Legally, you're not allow - to ask me that.
- Ugh.
That is nothing.
My new desk mate chats.
Now, I like to think of this little lady as a city girl who married a farmhand.
She also likes to look up recipes online and go, "Who's got the time?" Okay.
Captain wants things running smoothly, so why don't you both just move and work from my desk? - Fine.
- See? Everything is gonna be fine.
Whoop, guy just took my whole computer.
The dealer I'm looking for is Tom Ozerov.
Arrested him a year ago on a first-degree felony, but he made a deal and walked.
Dude's a real lowlife.
Yeah, we've seen that guy.
I said he looked like a lowlife, remember that, Jake? - His pants were too tight.
- Ah, yeah.
Hey, you know what else is too tight? Us working a case together again.
- Swurt.
- Whoo! Yeah, we say "noice," not "swurt.
" Look, I'm so sorry, but I don't think there's room for a third person on this case.
Jake, we should work it solo.
Whoa, hang on that, Boyle.
Let's not be hasty.
I mean, Stevie's been tracking Ozerov longer than we have.
And three heads are better than two.
Three's a crowd.
Everybody knows that.
What about in "The Lion King," huh? When Jamone and Purboy became friends with Steemba.
That's not the names.
It's Simba, Timon, and Pumbaa, but I appreciate you trying.
Really is a perfect analogy.
All right, I'm in.
Stevie can work the case.
Oh, right! Charles Boyle, welcome to the Beatsie Boys.
Aww! We're d-d-driving in a both: Car drug dealer's - Bar - Pass the mic right over to Charles We forgot Charles.
But we can't turn back, 'cause we're going to farles We have to turn back, though.
We can't leave him.
It was a good rhyme, though.
Hey.
Hey, buddy.
Look, I'm not gonna waste your time with some lame excuse about why we left you behind, all right? Just the truth.
Stevie and I were taken hostage by an Armenian biker gang and thrown on a cargo ship headed to Asia, but we're back now.
Don't worry about it.
You can work the case without me.
I'm busy bonding with my new desk mate, Paul.
Hi, my name's Paul.
Shh, Paul, nobody cares.
Charles, I'm so sorry.
Don't be mad, okay? We need you to work this case with us.
And you're way to good for Paul.
Stop trying to flatter me.
Jake, face it, I'm not a Beatsie Boy.
All right.
Well, then neither am I.
The Beatsie Boys are finished.
If you're gonna be part of the group, we need a new name, a new name that you're gonna came up with.
- Police Pals.
- Okay, it's decent.
You can come up with a couple options.
Not necessary.
That's the one.
Okeydokey, let's go.
So, Gina, how's it going? What's the gossip? "What's the gossip?" You can't stand being in your office with him, can you? No, I'm just curious about your life.
I like to gab.
So, uh, tell me about boys.
Okay.
I hate this.
Captain, you gotta stand up to that office hog.
Be stern, like me.
Notice I'm not sharing a desk with Flynt's assistant.
'Cause he over there.
No eye contact.
Get back to work.
Ugh! Listen.
You just say the word, and I will barge in there and kick that dude out.
Don't be ridiculous.
He is my superior officer.
But more to the point, he's a welcome guest, and I am a good host.
He locked you out of your own office, didn't he? Yes, very much so.
Oh, Raymond.
Why do we all got to sit in the back? Because we are all here together and we are all equals.
Yeah.
Hey, I've got an idea.
Why don't we listen some sweet stakeout jams? Ooh, do you have the satellite radio station "Sedan Rock"? Seriously? Why not just go straight for the Toni Braxton while you're at it? Oh, now you're gonna make fun of Toni? Who is this joker? Check it out.
Guy entering.
Wait, I know that dude.
He buys from Ozerov.
I mean, something's going down.
I say we gear up, and we bust in.
Like we did at Pacala Ristorante, remember? That's how we do it in Brooklyn.
Yeah, okay, it sounds pretty cool, but Jake and I already talked how we'd play this.
We had a pretty sweet convo about it.
Remember? I think we should do surveillance, collect Intel, and build a case.
Sure.
So, we all got stories, pal.
Look.
We need information.
If we bust in there and Ozerov doesn't have any drugs, our whole operation is blown.
But I know this guy, all right? He never works out of one place for long.
I guarantee you he has drugs on him and if we don't get him now, we never will.
Well, too bad for you, because Jake agrees with me.
We're always on the same - Page? - Yes! Told you.
Actually, Charles, I think Stevie's right.
No.
You said "page.
" I know, but he knows this case, and I trust his gut.
But, hey, let's go catch a bad guy together, right? Gear up, Police Pals! Hey, what is that? Thought we were Beatsie Boys.
You didn't even tell him.
Rosa, do you need to listen to it that loud? Yes! I'm trying to drown out the sound from Ellen, the chat factory, over there.
My daughter got me a juicer for Christmas.
Did you know that you can juice nuts? What? I'm two seconds away from juicing Ellen.
I know it's tough, but Sarge Ah, no, shoo, shoo, shoo.
Shoo! Shoo! Oh, can you at least put her on a leash? She's a medical professional.
Okay? Would you keep a doctor on a leash? That dog does not help you with your foot pain.
You just want an excuse to bring her everywhere! Your dog is a fraud.
- Fraud dog! - Come on.
Fraud dog! Fraud dog! - Fraud dog! - Juice Ellen! - Juice Ellen! - Fraud dog! Whoa! Both of you, outside now! I know it's crowded in there and they're not very considerate guests and they took my mouse and then they took my keyboard and then they took the whole computer.
And when I had nothing else to give, they came for my yogurt.
No, not just any yogurt.
Full fat Greek with a touch of honey.
That's a once a week treat! What the hell are you guys doing out here? Finally eating breakfast.
We snuck the microwave out here so we could cook our burritos like real policemen.
Now they have to use the toaster oven.
Enjoy your 16-minute cook times, idiots.
Guys, this is amazing.
Back off, it's our microwave! Ours! Nobody wants your microwave! But look, the nine-eight's stuff is blocking the windows.
They can't see us out here.
It's so peaceful and spacious.
This could be our new beginning.
All right.
Can't let Ozerov ditch the drugs.
We got to go in fast and strong.
I don't know about you, but I can use some adrenalin.
A little slap-slap-boom? - Mm.
- What's slap-slap-boom? Oh, it's just this thing we used to do to get each other pumped up where we slap each other in the face; you don't have to do it.
No, I want to.
I want to go first.
Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Shh.
There's movement.
But I'm the only one who got slapped in the face.
Charles, we gotta go! NYPD! Show me your hands! Hey, Ozerov, I'll have a martini with a twist.
The twist? You're under arrest.
None for me; I'm driving you to jail.
He's clean.
There's no drugs on him.
Damn it.
We wasted those cool lines on nothing.
Also, we blew the case.
That's obviously much worse.
That was my first thought.
Look, I know that we didn't find any drugs, but I still think it was worth the risk.
Well, I think it was a crap circus.
This whole operation is blown.
If you ask me, the Beatsie Boys should be called the Thoroughly Messed-Up Millies.
- What? - I can't even imagine what you're going for.
I was being devastating! Look, man, I get that you're pissed, but I am telling you, Ozerov is dirty.
Maybe, but if we had staked the bar out, we could've built up cases against a dozen guys here.
This place is filled with criminals.
I brought him in last month.
- Hey, Detective Boyle.
- Hi, Isaac.
The only good thing is, now this whole trio doesn't have to work together anymore.
Yes it does.
Charles, you did it.
- You saved the case.
- What? Why? I didn't want to.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but consorting with known felons is a parole violation, meaning we have grounds to search Ozerov's home.
Hell yeah! Jakey P with the save! Well, you know, Boyle is the one who pointed it out.
- He deserves the credit.
- True, true, true.
Good job, Earl! You know my name is Charles.
So, if we're gonna start a secret office on the roof, we need equipment.
That means chairs, desks, printers, pens.
But we gotta sneak it out, so we need a distraction.
Okay, here is what I'm thinking.
We give that dog a bunch of chocolates.
It dies.
While everyone celebrates Okay, Amy's too close to this.
Rosa, you got any ideas? Hitchcock and Scully just set fire to the kitchen sink.
Oh, boy.
Ooh, boy.
Perfect! Let's use that.
I looked everywhere.
I didn't find anything.
- Did you? - No.
But mirror top coffee table, iguana cage, samurai swords on the wall either this guy is a drug dealer or he uses Nick Cage's interior designer.
He might be a drug dealer, but we have nothing on him.
Quick question, guys.
Why did the drug dealer never do his dishes? Because he has drugs in his dishwasher.
Oh, yeah! - Dishwasher? - Hit me.
Here, is for you.
- Hello? - Hey.
What's up, dude? It's me.
We got the drugs, man.
Hang on, Charles wants to say hi.
Do you have any milk? Not a stranger in sight.
It's beautiful.
I've never heard the printer sound so happy.
I feel like it knows.
We did it.
A new world.
This must be how the founding fathers felt.
So what are you doing out here? Captain, it's mayhem in there.
Those people are messy and selfish.
- And chatty.
- And out here, we can actually get work done.
- But - Sir, I'll handle this.
We love it.
We're proud of you.
- We want in.
- No.
You're acting like little children playing basketball who've fallen behind by several two-pointer buckets so you just take your basket home, and now no one else can play.
I know it's not the time, but you gotta watch basketball if you're gonna try to reference it.
Sergeant, this is boorish behavior.
I wanted you to be a good host.
You told me to make it work, and I came up with a creative solution.
Diaz finished her arrest reports.
Santiago did the filing of ten men.
I don't want to hear it.
Just clean up this mess and get back inside.
Paper jam.
It does know.
Attenzione, dingbats.
Perchance a riddle.
Shakespeare.
What has six thumbs and just arrested a drug dealer? These guys.
Charles, thumbs up.
I said "six thumbs" and we're only showing four.
We're starting to look like fools.
Come on, Charles.
There it is.
- That's the ticket.
- Whoo! All right, man, I'm gonna go check with Flynt.
You do some research on where we're gonna celebrate tonight.
Here's my only requirement: it has to be at your house 'cause I ain't got no money.
Uh, okay, how about at my house? Swurt.
Yes! Psst, hey.
What are you doing? Come here.
What? I think Stevie's bad news.
What? Oh, come on, Charles.
You know, you've been acting weird about Stevie all day.
I think you might be jealous.
Of course I'm jealous.
I was never hiding that.
- How? - He's tall.
He's funny.
He can pull off an earring.
He doesn't have an earring.
But we both know he'd look good with one.
Oh, my God What do you want me to say, Boyle? I've been trying to include you in this all day long.
And, yes, I forgot you that one time, but I made up for it.
I slapped you in the face.
You're supposed to be my friend.
I'm an adult man, I can have two close friends.
Hell, I can have three close friends.
- You wouldn't.
- I would.
Maybe I'll get in touch with my friend James from college.
Ooh, or you know who just looked me up online? Brad from camp.
Stevie planted the drugs.
Come on! I looked on that dishwasher before him, and it was empty.
Stevie planted those pills.
But you're right, he's the coolest! You guys should go get your ears pierced together.
Invite Brad.
It'll be smurt.
It's swurt, not smurt.
So, joke it's on you.
Damn it, Stevie! Hey, I logged the drugs.
You know what that means.
It's time to celebrate.
You know what that means.
Let's eat big sandwiches! I gotta talk to you in private.
Come on.
Okay.
Uh, this is cozy.
Well, the precinct is so crowded, this is the only place no one can hear us talk.
Listen.
I know you planted the drugs at Ozerov's place.
What? Charles checked the dishwasher, and he didn't see any drugs.
Yeah, well, they were there.
All right? I guess he just missed them.
Probably busy hiking up his pants above this belly button.
He has to do that because they don't make pants short enough for him.
Look.
Don't lie to me, man.
Dude, the guy is a drug dealer.
All right? I wasn't gonna let him walk again.
But you get it, though, right? You're not a tight-ass like Charles.
You know, I wish I was like Charles.
He's a good cop and an honest person, and when we go on stakeouts, we do listen to Toni Braxton and it's super sad and it's awesome.
I can't believe I'm saying this, Stevie, but I gotta report you.
Ow! Did you just Donkey Kong punch me? There's no room to regular punch you.
Ooh, all right.
It's on.
- Ahh! - What's going on? He did plant the drugs.
You trusted me.
Oww! Son of a bitch! I hope there's room - in this fight for three.
- There's not.
You have a 2:30 meeting with small head big body.
I forgot to take his name.
D.
A.
Brayburn.
Deputy Inspector Flynt, do you mind if we have a meeting here in the office? Actually, I do mind.
I'm not really in the mood for company.
I just had a bad loss in an online poker game.
Of course.
Anything for our guests.
Get back here, you crap basket.
You're going down! Help! He's attacking me for no reason! Stevie Schillens, you have the right to remain - A loser.
- Noice.
But, now legally, I have to start over, Charles.
Stevie Schill Oh! Get off him.
We just made up.
Paul? I thought we had something.
Get nine-eight.
Hope your dog will help with neck pain.
Oh! She doesn't help with any pain.
I made it up.
Ha! I knew it! Hey, Ellen.
I got your farm girl.
You wouldn't.
Bessy! Terry got his computer back.
Oh, come on! Sarge, take off your shirt! It's restricting your movement.
What the hell is going on here? Yeah.
What are you guys doing? Brawling with other police officers? What were you thinking? Sir, I had nothing to do with this.
I was arresting a dirty cop.
I heard you scream out "I love this!" Yes.
"This" being justice.
I love justice.
And to make matters worse, our radiator was broken during your wild street-ball scrum.
So now we have no heat.
Which means we'll have to work in the freezing cold, and our guests from the nine-eight will have to relocate again.
No smiles.
No smiles.
This is a sad day for our precinct.
Dismissed.
Captain.
You know what's kinda weird? There was no one was fighting over by the radiator.
You were the only person standing near it.
I suppose, in the hubbub, I may have tripped and busted a pipe.
I knew it! I knew you couldn't stand having someone in your space.
He used my letter opener to cut his tuna sandwich in half! You were right.
They were disrespectful and had to go.
And, yes, sometimes you have to come up with a creative solution.
And sometimes just a bunch of dudes need to get into a room and just "Take that! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" That's not the lesson here.
Okay, Captain.
Unbreak my heart Say you love me again You know what? I like this song! This hurt that you caused - Hey, you don't get to sing.
- Shut up! - The nerve.
- Unbelievable Uncry these tears I cried so many nights