Corner Gas (2004) s03e15 Episode Script

Wow, a banner.
They're really pullin' out all the stop.
All this 100th year anniversary stuff is nuts.
And someone else is sayin' the Centennial's comin' up too.
And then there's a tenth of a millennium party.
I'm all stressed about this anniversary contest thingy.
I have to write a poem? It's an option.
You canwrite a poem.
Well, onecan write a poem.
But if you were one, I wouldn't.
Why not? You use the word "thingy," for one thingy.
Maybe I should write a song or or do a painting or somethin'.
Man, all the good stuff's been done.
Well, if all the good stuff's been done, that kinda leaves your niche wide open.
Yeah.
Thanks, Brent.
Always there to pick me up.
You can tell me that your dog ran away Then tell me that it took three days I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ou think there's not a lot goin' on Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong And that's why you can stay so long Where there's not a lot goin' on One hundred years.
Whoopty-do.
It's a number.
What does it signify? That the town's a hundred? She's got ya there.
It's arbitrary.
Why not 102 or 97? She's got ya there.
You turn 38, no big deal.
You turn 40, it's some stupid milestone.
Who cares? Do you have a birthday comin up? Yeah.
But who cares? Check out the new nickel.
The Queen has a different hat.
It's called a crown.
I don't move in those circles.
Don't do anything special for my birthday.
You got it, or don't got it in this case.
I hate this birthday stuff, seriously.
Okay.
No, seriously.
Seriously, okay.
Seriously.
Hey, the provincial horseshoe champ's coming to this thing.
Nice celeb.
Are you really excited, or are you being sarcastic? I don't know.
Give me some time.
Grown men throwing a chunk of metal.
How's that even a sport? Getting to the top of any sport is difficult.
Making it to the top five nearly killed me.
You were a horseshoe champ? No, not horseshoes.
What? It was a long time ago.
I don't like to talk about it.
Was it hang gliding? No.
Hang gliding is your first guess? Top five in the province.
That's pretty good.
In the cntry, actually.
You competed nationally? That is so cool.
I know.
Was it steeplechase? Karen, this is impressive.
Did you know about this? A good cop knows everything about his partner.
Did youknow about it? Was it Roller Derby? Okay, try and guess.
What? My idea, try and guess.
Um is it something stupid? Warmer.
For the tribute contest, I'm gonna make an exactly accurate scale model of Dog River, using Lego blocks.
Wow.
When you said all the good ideas were taken, you weren't kidding.
What's he talking about? It's my tribute to the town.
You know, a sculptor uses clay, a poet uses words An idiot uses Lego blocks.
Are they blocks or bricks? Because blocks don't have those points on them.
They're not called points, they're called nubs.
Nub taken.
So, uh, anyway, can I borrow your Lego blocks, uh, bricks, whatever? Hank, we've been over this before.
Once again, the answer is no.
When did we go over this? When we were seven.
I see no reason to change my policy.
Here you go, Hank.
I have two more pails in the trunk.
My nubby brickblocks.
If you already had them lined up, why did ya ask? Courtesy, pity, had some time to kill, a whole host of reasons, really.
Mom, you can't just give away my old toys.
You haven't played with those things in months.
It's not a big deal.
I just don't want to talk about it.
Partners don't keep secrets from each other.
Batman doesn't keep secrets from Robin.
Are you saying if we're Batman and Robin, I'm Batman? Dream on.
I'm Batman.
But you just said Batman doesn't keep secrets, and I was keepin' a secret.
So What goes for Batman goes for Robin.
Try and keep up.
Hey, Jackasses.
Where the hell have you been? I wanna file a complaint.
Hey, Oscar.
If you were a nationally ranked athlete, would you keep it a secret from your friends? I don't know.
What sport? I don't know.
She won't say.
Probably one of the embarrassing ones, like that stupid gymnastics thing where you run around with ribbons.
Hey, that's really hard.
It's not rhythmic gymnastics.
It's a beautiful sport, graceful.
Why did ya quit, drugs? Look, it's a chapter of my past.
I gave it up to become a cop, and I'd appreciate it if we'd change the subject.
Please.
Probably drugs.
They're not just plain old ribbons, you know? They're sporting equipment.
Fifth in the country? She's been keeping it secret.
But I got the inside scoop.
What sport? I don't know.
When did she quit? Not sure.
Yeah, you've really got your ear to the ground.
I know she quit because of drugs.
A lot of pressure in the world of whatever it was.
Oh, quiet.
Here she comes.
What? Nothin'.
Just shootin' the breeze.
It's not you.
I know what's going on.
Those two are up to something because of what day it is.
Friday? Right.
More like Lie-day.
Hey, guys.
And Hank just happens to show up.
Not too convenient.
Have a nice "Fib-day.
" What's a fig day? You know, fig day.
What's she talking about? I don't know.
Hey, what was your sport? I don't want to talk about it.
Come on.
You think saying "come on" like that's gonna make me tell you? It might, if I say it enough.
Come on! This is exactly the kinda thing I hate, seriously.
What? I told Brent not to turn today into a big deal.
Oh, well, he does love his Fridays.
So you're in on it too? I hate this.
Now Hank's over there schemin' with the rest of them.
Hank's there?Yes.
Wink-wink.
Aren't you supposed to wink when you say that? Well, I guess you'd know.
Wink-wink.
Okay.
Well, good luck with that Friday thing you hate.
Oh, yeah, that is better.
Come on! All right, fine.
It's an aquatic event.
Okay? Wow.
I didn't think that would actually work.
Aquatic.
So swimming? No.
You guys will make fun of me.
Diving.
What does that leave? Water polo.
Come on! Okay.
It's static apnea.
It's an aquatic event where you go under water and hold your breath.
Then what? Well, that's it.
Whoever holds their breath the longest wins.
That's even stupider than the thing with the ribbons.
Hey, guys, what's so funny? We just found out that Karen played in a freak sport.
At a national level.
Psst.
Okay, here comes Wanda.
She said she didn't want a surprise party, but let's throw her one anyway.
Okay, fine.
Open up the box.
Let's get it over with.
Oh, right.
Hank, I found these Lego blocks at my place when I moved in.
Awesome.
Thanks.
I thought you were getting me a birthday cake.
Don't hold your breath.
Yeah, that's Karen's thing.
Well, no horseshoes.
But they're still renaming Main Street.
Centennial Street.
I think it's a mistake.
You can't stop the 100th anniversary juggernaut.
Doesn't that sit wrong with you? Not really.
Change is good.
I mean using the word juggernaut.
I like juggernaut.
It's like an astronaut, only with jugs.
The point is, every town has a Main Street.
No one really cares if we change it.
And so today we dedicate the town's biggest street to Dog River's fouer, Harold Main.
Your name will live in this town forever.
Ah, you're right.
Who cares? Gotta love a juggernaut.
That word's making me uncomfortable now.
Hey, Lacey.
Still got any chicken soup? Ah, lotsa soup.
So breathe easy.
Or don't.
Come on, be nice.
How long could you hold your breath, anyway? Six minutes.
See? She broke the gender barrier.
Normally to float there that long, you'd have to be a buoy, a bu-oy.
I'm gonna sit somewhere else.
Aw.
Feel to float, from table to table.
For about six minutes.
Geez, six minutes? Eight block, red.
e, you sure got a lot of this stuff.
Yeah.
I called in some favours.
Who owes you a favour? Well, I-I called in some of your favours.
What? This whole thing was your idea.
Four block, grey.
This is an eight block.
Where's your head at, Brent? This is a load bearing wall.
Sor-ry.
Ah, it's Handszilla.
He's wearing a watch.
That's 'cause it's time to kick your house down.
Okay, that's it.
You gotta go.
What? You're kickin' me out? This whole thing was my idea.
Just go out, out, out.
I've got a lotta work to do.
Work.
You're playin' with blocks.
Fine, belittle my art.
It was belittled to start with.
It was prelittled.
It's leaving, the Giant Hand.
Goodbye everybody.
Hey, I remembered what I wanted to complain about before.
Isn't that terrific.
Ah, go ahead, Oscar.
Anything you say to Karen is confidential.
She won't breathea word.
Ah-ha.
Pow.
Hey, the pow's my thing.
What are ya powing? Oh, because she's in the freak sport, floating around underwater.
How do ya stand it? How do the spectators? Pow.
For the record, you slow your heart rate down, enter a near comatose state.
Oh.
My heart rate's slowin' down just hearin' about it.
Powathon.
Hey.
Aw, hell.
Now I forget the complaint thing.
Gee, she can actually slow her heart rate? Another zinger.
Hey, I heard you were running low on Lego blocks.
Yeah, this is the last in town.
Well, I'm here to help.
Introducing Officer Karen and Sergeant Davis.
You're not exactly to scale.
Ah, the-the hat makes me look big.
Now, here's what I had in mind for the police station.
The police station doesn't have a helicopter pad.
And is that a laser turret? This isn't about what the police station is.
It's about what it could be.
I'm sorry, Davis, but it's-it's gotta be accurate.
Fine.
But if we get a helicopter, no rides for you.
Okay, Wes, here's your bill.
And if it seems a little high, please feel free to aira complaint.
Oh.
What? Oh, I'm sorry.
It's a-it's a bad habit.
I'll see ya tonight? Why? What's tonight? Oh, nothing.
Fine.
You guys have a good time at your "nothing" party.
I can't believe everyone's making such a big deal about my birthday.
Sometimes you just have to roll with things.
If people make a fuss over you, it just shows they care.
That's sweet of you.
Oh, I don't care, but others might.
Nice weather, eh, Karen? Breathtaking.
Lay off, Lacey.
Yeah.
She can hold her breath for like six minutes.
That's over five minutes.
That's almost seven minutes.
Wait for it.
Wait for what? I thought someone was gonna make fun of me.
Oh, can I? No.
You know, I used to think it was a freak sport, but then I realized it's actually really hard, and freakish.
Hey, can you show us? No.
We promise not to make fun of you.
No! Oh, okay.
We promise tomake fun of you.
I'm gettin' a drink.
I was trying a different tack.
Bad tack.
Surprise! Oh, guys, no! I told you, I hate this stuff.
Oh, it's you.
Get out of the way.
Surprise! Happy Birthday, Wes.
Aw, you guys! Glad this isn't for me.
I- I'm serious.
Hey, Brent.
Hey, Hank.
How's your Lego thing comin'? Ah, I'm workin' too hard.
I feel like I'm gonna snap.
You do look a little pale, actual yellow.
Oh, man.
My head fell off.
It's over there by the pirate.
Aaahrr-rrrrr! I gotta get back to work on the bricks.
Hey, Dad.
Who me? Oh, same old, same old.
A new record, three minutes.
I'm not breathing.
You know, static apnea means not breathing through your nose either.
What? That's impossible.
Great.
I finally figure out a way to keep Oscar quiet and you come and blow it.
Way to go, Jackass.
Yeah, Jackass.
Jackass is my thing.
Has Wanda seemed grouchy to you lately, -er, grouchier? More grumpy than grouchy, cranky.
Crabby too.
Not in a crotchety way, but testy.
Huffy even.
Exactly.
Meldiforous.
No, I think that means somethin' else.
You wanna know what I think? I'm not just here for the synonyms.
I think Wanda's upset that Wes's party wasn't for her.
But she's always goin' on about how she hates birthdays.
I know.
But when we were leaving the bar, she seemed miffed.
Miffed or peeved? Oh, please stop.
How do you train for that? For what? Holding your breath.
You hold your breath.
Oh.
When I was a kid, I was good at cartwheels.
But I never turned pro, not like you.
Oh, I-I was never pro.
I mean you can't turn pro for static apnea.
Yeah? Hmm, cartwheels either.
So are you gonna show me? No.
I wanna see you enter a near comatose state.
I was close when you were talking about cartwheels there.
Oh, here he is.
Okay, Oscar, here's a form.
Carry it around with you.
When you remember what your complaint was, fill it out.
Who cares about that? I wanna see the apnea.
And no breathing through your nose.
Well, just under the wire, but I got it done.
It is impressive.
Let's wreck it.
What? Sorry, I just had an urge.
Well, it sure is Lego-ey.
Yeah.
to the last detail.
Except for the shed behind Town Hall.
What? Oh! Well, it's no biggie.
Just add a shed.
I can't.
I ran out of blocks.
This whole town's dry.
Maybe you can build a shed out of Tinkertoys.
Tinkertoys? What planet are you from? Sorry.
Just let me knock over the water tower.
No! Come on, stick your head in the bucket.
You can do it.
Go away, Oscar.
I believe in you.
I'm not dog it.
You just need a little encouragement.
AP-NEE-YA! AP-NEE-YA! AP-NEE-YA! AP-NEE-YA! AP-NEE-YA! AP-NEE-YA! Well, maybe no one will notice.
Are you kidding? I'll become a laughing stock.
That's right, "become.
" When have you ever been any other kinda stock? You know, I'll overcome this.
All great artists overcome adversity.
Actually, most of them go nuts, lop off an ear or two.
Lop off my ear? Some help you are.
Well, at least I don't overlook sheds, ya shed overlooker.
Back in business.
It's called Centennial Street.
Whose idea was this? Now we're stuck here.
If you were against the idea, you should have filed a complaint.
Oh, hell.
Where's my form? And it's 100% accurate.
Now.
Pyromaniac.
Ah, it's just a shed.
No one's gonna miss it.
The first structure of the new town.
Some day a fine community will grow from this shed.
Yeah, you're right, stupid shed.
Hate that shed.
Okay, Ladies and Gentlemen, a hundred years of Dog River culminates in this! Come quick! Karen's doing her apnea thing! Is it static? Is it ever! Wait! No, no, no! Hey, Lego Dog River is static too, you know? AP-NEE-YA, AP-NEE-YA! AP-NEE-YA, AP-NEE-YA! How did ya talk her into it? Money.
She finally went pro.
Surprise! Oh, you guys! How many times did I tell you? Oh! Hey! Nice job on the party.
Aw, I didn't do anything.
Don't be modest.
This is really nice.
No.
I literally didn't do anything.
I thought you organized this.
Me, organize? I had my shoes on the wrong feet till noon.
Hey, I couldn't get the strawberry cake Wanda ordered, so I went with the chocolate.
Is she okay with that? Hmm.
Oh, she's sly.
Wily even, cunning.
But in a guileful way.
Honestly, this is so embarrassing.
I hate this birthday stuff, seriously.
Closed Captioning by I don't know the same things you don't know I don't know I just don't know It's a great big place full of nothin' but space and it's my happy place I don't know Yes you do You just won't admit it Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com I don't know I just don't know