Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s03e15 Episode Script
Double Doogie with Cheese
Madness Madness, they call it madness Madness Madness, they call it madness It's plain to see That is what they mean to me Madness Madness, I call it gladness Ha ha ha! Madness Madness, they call it madness Madness Madness, they call it madness I'm about to explain That someone is losing their brain Aah! Madness Madness, I call it gladness Yee-ha ha ha! Yeah? Start him on ampicillin, Hi, dear.
Rough day at work? Hmm.
So much for quality time.
Yeah? No, no.
Give her if her temp goes above 39, and draw a blood culture.
Oh Man, I've had a rough day.
Go away.
Don't be insensitive.
These pups are really barking.
And what was the latest burger baby crisis? Did you forget the pickle? Did you run out of secret sauce? Is the burger baby linked romantically to Nancy Reagan? Do you mind cutting the sarcasm? I go to school all day, then bust my butt in some burger joint so that my parents carmine and Angela slumlord don't throw me out.
I hate that.
Just 'cause I'm selling burgers to some slob instead of saving his life, I'm not allowed to complain? Not too elitist.
Give me a break.
No offense, but any idiot could do what you do.
You think that offends me? For your information, it's not that easy being a mindless idiot.
Sorry.
You make it look easy.
The average unskilled teenage worker functions under enormous pressure.
For years, you've been coddled and spoon-fed.
Yes, Dr.
god.
No, Dr.
god.
Let me swab up that sweat for you, Dr.
god.
You've turned into a hothouse flower.
What? That's right.
You're like some giant Petunia in high-tops.
Go home.
You smell like an onion ring.
Go ahead.
Mock the odor of a working man.
You know what? You wouldn't last one weekend at burger baby.
They'd eat you alive.
You're like Elsa in born free.
I'm like Elsa? You've lost touch with your own species.
You couldn't make it as an average American teenager.
You couldn't hack it.
All right.
It's another day, another shift, another chance to prove to me that you're not just another screw-up.
What do you say? Dorine canter.
I'm ready.
Charlie morse.
I'm ready.
Uh, Vinnie delpino.
I'm ready.
Doogie howser.
I'm ready.
You got your medium, then your large, which in turn brings us to your x-large.
Which also makes a handsome mini-wastebasket.
It's a brilliant marketing strategy.
It's sturdy enough for beverages, yet attractive enough to use in the guest bath.
Howser, you want me to go over the chart again? No.
I think I got it.
I can just look at it on the sign.
Do you know why it's on the sign? Delpino? Because we're not paid to think, Mr.
I'amour.
Exactly.
Got that, howser? Yes.
May I add that I'm looking forward to bypassing my cerebral cortex and relying solely on the more primitive medulla to perform mundane and repetitive tasks? What? I'll check my brain at the door.
Now you're talking.
All right, a guy orders a burger.
You say? Thank you? Delpino? You want fries with that? You want fries with that.
Notice how it's not a question but a statement A reflection of what's going on inside the customer's mind.
He wants fries, but he needs your permission to go ahead and order them.
It's kind of my little brainchild.
I think it's called subliminal marketing.
No one's paying you to think.
Just push those grease sticks.
Keep an eye on him, delpino.
I'm honored to orientate the new guy into the burger baby family of fine fryables.
Oh, that's real mature.
Why not just throw a spit wad at him? Just wait, Mr.
Petunia.
You'll see.
So, your cd player's stackable, right? Vinnie, there's no way you're going to win this bet.
I love it here already.
I'm literally giddy from the lack of responsibility.
Can we keep the hats? Right.
You've been here No way you're going to last 48 hours.
From Dr.
god to grease jockey? Your cd player is mine.
"We use only the best parts of the cow.
" What a highfalutin claim.
You know what they say are in these burgers? Snouts, ears, and udders.
I kind of like 'em, though.
Hey, um, this guy want the 1:00 or the 4:00? What? What's that? Um, it's the, uh, secret goof-off schedule.
We all take turns covering for each other.
Each of us gets downtime in the storeroom so you can sleep, read Organized goofing off? You're accepting money to do this job.
I'm sorry, but that shows a remarkable lack of integrity.
There goes my nomination for the supreme court.
Double goof-off for me.
He's my recruit.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to earn my minimum wage.
Good morning.
How can I help you? I'd like a burger baby burger and large kiddy cola.
Of course you would.
A large kiddy cola.
Large? No.
Oh! Oh, I think we have it.
Yeah.
Yeah, we've got a match.
We're well on our way.
He's part of our new program to hire the terminally obnoxious.
O.
K.
, that'll be $2.
19, please.
Out of $3.
00.
Oh, no.
We'll have to make change.
What'll I do? Would you look at that? The computer did it for me.
Burger babies aren't paid to think.
O.
K.
Here you go.
It's been a pleasure serving you.
Come back soon.
What's that I hear? Is that your autographed magic Johnson basketball bouncing its way to my house? You're sure it's his autograph? Maybe I should have it authenticated.
I got one thing to say.
Yeah, and what's that? Lunch rush! Yeah, a baby burger and a chocolate shake.
A diet cola.
I got that.
Does that have two baby burgers or one? Can I get a baby pie? Make it an extra-large fry.
No, no.
Burger, no cheese.
You want fries with that? You want fries with that.
Thank you.
Ha ha ha.
You want fries with that? You want fries with that? You want fries with that? You want fries with that? Why? Is it the cholesterol? Were you frightened by a potato when you were a child? You sure you just don't want to try one fry? What's the problem here? Nothing.
I want a baby burger and a kiddy cola.
You want fries with that? Uh O.
K.
Howser, you're completely useless at the counter.
Get on drive-thru.
I'll take those bacon cheese Small kiddy cola, fries, fish filet, no onions.
This is insane.
Why don't they buy a new speaker? Your cd player's matte black, right? I hate that imitation wood grain.
I listen to a heart through a stethoscope.
I diagnose delicate abnormalities by discerning minute variations in rhythm and tone.
I can do this.
Welcome to burger baby.
Can I help you? And how would you like that tennis shoe done, sir? No, I said a.
Howser, you're completely useless on drive-thru! Hey, Morris, get your butt out here! Guess what.
I hired someone even stupider than you.
Oh, well.
That was thoughtful.
Take howser's drive-thru spot.
Howser, stay away from my customers.
Hit the grill.
Ohh, the grill! Ooh, the grill.
The grill.
Yes, sir.
Oh, now, welcome to my world, howser.
Your cd is programmable, isn't it? Howser, you're completely useless at the counter.
Get on drive-thru.
Howser, stay away from my customers.
Yeah, well, no one's paying you to think Well, it looks like your greasy little life has finally taken its toll.
You're going to need a heart transplant.
What, are you kidding? Don't worry.
Eastman's tops with heart transplants.
Over one billion served.
O.
K.
What'll it be? Small, medium, large, x-large, or, in your case, may I recommend our x-small heart for those with a complete lack of compassion and understanding for the plight of others? O.
K.
, if that's what you think.
O.
K.
, great.
Now, let's see.
One x-small heart, parts and labor, additional bodily fluids There's always some leakage.
Always some leakage.
O.
K.
That comes to $120,000.
You want a lung with that? Are you out of your mind? Am I made out of money, you moron? I'm not going to take this from you, howser! I'm not going to take this! Do you even hear me when I'm talking, idiot? I'm sorry.
Sorry doesn't feed the bulldog.
That's coming out of your paycheck.
Excuse me.
I apologize, but no burgers for five minutes.
An idiot's working the grill.
I'm not an idiot.
What was that, howser? I am not an idiot, although this hat makes me look like one.
Up till now, I've allowed you to treat me like one.
But make no mistake, Mr.
I'amour.
Underneath this servile exterior beats the heart and mind of a human being, just like all the human beings in this room People who are forced through circumstance to wear stupid hats and say stupid things like, "you want fries with that?" That's enough.
Try sweeping up.
I don't think so.
Do we have his emergency contact? Lift-off.
Do you know why all your employees goof off and make fun of you? Howser! It's not because we don't like you, although we don't.
It's not because all teenagers are lazy and can't be trusted.
We do it for one very simple reason.
We don't get any respect here, one drop of simple human respect for our intelligence, our initiative, for our dignity as people.
So, here.
You can take my name tag, but you can't take my soul, 'cause I quit.
I'm walking out right now.
Who's walking with me? My Honda doesn't pay for itself.
I'm being rent-gouged by my own parents.
He's my uncle.
Hey, those cd players are pretty delicate.
Be sure you pack it real nice with those styrofoam peanuts! You still got the original box? Vinnie was right.
I've lost touch with my species.
I'm a Petunia in high-tops.
Aren't you taking this too seriously? After all, you did quit.
He would've fired me.
I couldn't even sell fries to a fat guy.
I was a total incompetent as a suck-up.
I let it get to me.
I hate to be the one to tell you, but you're not an average teenager.
You are already where most of these kids want to get to someday In the power seat.
So you can't go home again? Especially when you never lived there.
All right, howser, I've come to claim my prize.
Vinnie, you have my complete and total respect.
That's nice, but what I really want is your 16-bit processing, automatic, error-correcting cd.
Well, enjoy.
Your son really knows how to quit a job.
This guy makes Norma rae look like an introvert.
You sure all the cables are here? Yeah, all there.
I owe you an apology.
It is tough being a mindless idiot.
I thought you had no responsibility, but you have tons.
You've got no power.
That must be stressful.
Yeah.
Well, this should hook into my system, right? Yeah.
In a way, I have had it easier than you.
Even though I've had to work hard, everyone was rooting for me, but you don't get that support.
You have to achieve your goals despite the obstacles.
I'm sorry.
If you ever want to complain about anything, I'll listen.
You do go on.
Now, I'm going to go home and take a very long shower.
With all the grease, the water just beads up for the first 15 minutes.
Although, since I have this job, Janine tells me my skin's softer than a baby's behind.
One of the perks of the burger trade.
Here, here.
Let me take those.
Have I told you recently what a wonderful job you're doing? Well, you are.
I appreciate all your support.
Thanks.
What a zoo.
Yeah.
Dr.
howser! Isn't it great? Got your wheelchair! You want fries with that? Aye-yi-yi!
Rough day at work? Hmm.
So much for quality time.
Yeah? No, no.
Give her if her temp goes above 39, and draw a blood culture.
Oh Man, I've had a rough day.
Go away.
Don't be insensitive.
These pups are really barking.
And what was the latest burger baby crisis? Did you forget the pickle? Did you run out of secret sauce? Is the burger baby linked romantically to Nancy Reagan? Do you mind cutting the sarcasm? I go to school all day, then bust my butt in some burger joint so that my parents carmine and Angela slumlord don't throw me out.
I hate that.
Just 'cause I'm selling burgers to some slob instead of saving his life, I'm not allowed to complain? Not too elitist.
Give me a break.
No offense, but any idiot could do what you do.
You think that offends me? For your information, it's not that easy being a mindless idiot.
Sorry.
You make it look easy.
The average unskilled teenage worker functions under enormous pressure.
For years, you've been coddled and spoon-fed.
Yes, Dr.
god.
No, Dr.
god.
Let me swab up that sweat for you, Dr.
god.
You've turned into a hothouse flower.
What? That's right.
You're like some giant Petunia in high-tops.
Go home.
You smell like an onion ring.
Go ahead.
Mock the odor of a working man.
You know what? You wouldn't last one weekend at burger baby.
They'd eat you alive.
You're like Elsa in born free.
I'm like Elsa? You've lost touch with your own species.
You couldn't make it as an average American teenager.
You couldn't hack it.
All right.
It's another day, another shift, another chance to prove to me that you're not just another screw-up.
What do you say? Dorine canter.
I'm ready.
Charlie morse.
I'm ready.
Uh, Vinnie delpino.
I'm ready.
Doogie howser.
I'm ready.
You got your medium, then your large, which in turn brings us to your x-large.
Which also makes a handsome mini-wastebasket.
It's a brilliant marketing strategy.
It's sturdy enough for beverages, yet attractive enough to use in the guest bath.
Howser, you want me to go over the chart again? No.
I think I got it.
I can just look at it on the sign.
Do you know why it's on the sign? Delpino? Because we're not paid to think, Mr.
I'amour.
Exactly.
Got that, howser? Yes.
May I add that I'm looking forward to bypassing my cerebral cortex and relying solely on the more primitive medulla to perform mundane and repetitive tasks? What? I'll check my brain at the door.
Now you're talking.
All right, a guy orders a burger.
You say? Thank you? Delpino? You want fries with that? You want fries with that.
Notice how it's not a question but a statement A reflection of what's going on inside the customer's mind.
He wants fries, but he needs your permission to go ahead and order them.
It's kind of my little brainchild.
I think it's called subliminal marketing.
No one's paying you to think.
Just push those grease sticks.
Keep an eye on him, delpino.
I'm honored to orientate the new guy into the burger baby family of fine fryables.
Oh, that's real mature.
Why not just throw a spit wad at him? Just wait, Mr.
Petunia.
You'll see.
So, your cd player's stackable, right? Vinnie, there's no way you're going to win this bet.
I love it here already.
I'm literally giddy from the lack of responsibility.
Can we keep the hats? Right.
You've been here No way you're going to last 48 hours.
From Dr.
god to grease jockey? Your cd player is mine.
"We use only the best parts of the cow.
" What a highfalutin claim.
You know what they say are in these burgers? Snouts, ears, and udders.
I kind of like 'em, though.
Hey, um, this guy want the 1:00 or the 4:00? What? What's that? Um, it's the, uh, secret goof-off schedule.
We all take turns covering for each other.
Each of us gets downtime in the storeroom so you can sleep, read Organized goofing off? You're accepting money to do this job.
I'm sorry, but that shows a remarkable lack of integrity.
There goes my nomination for the supreme court.
Double goof-off for me.
He's my recruit.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to earn my minimum wage.
Good morning.
How can I help you? I'd like a burger baby burger and large kiddy cola.
Of course you would.
A large kiddy cola.
Large? No.
Oh! Oh, I think we have it.
Yeah.
Yeah, we've got a match.
We're well on our way.
He's part of our new program to hire the terminally obnoxious.
O.
K.
, that'll be $2.
19, please.
Out of $3.
00.
Oh, no.
We'll have to make change.
What'll I do? Would you look at that? The computer did it for me.
Burger babies aren't paid to think.
O.
K.
Here you go.
It's been a pleasure serving you.
Come back soon.
What's that I hear? Is that your autographed magic Johnson basketball bouncing its way to my house? You're sure it's his autograph? Maybe I should have it authenticated.
I got one thing to say.
Yeah, and what's that? Lunch rush! Yeah, a baby burger and a chocolate shake.
A diet cola.
I got that.
Does that have two baby burgers or one? Can I get a baby pie? Make it an extra-large fry.
No, no.
Burger, no cheese.
You want fries with that? You want fries with that.
Thank you.
Ha ha ha.
You want fries with that? You want fries with that? You want fries with that? You want fries with that? Why? Is it the cholesterol? Were you frightened by a potato when you were a child? You sure you just don't want to try one fry? What's the problem here? Nothing.
I want a baby burger and a kiddy cola.
You want fries with that? Uh O.
K.
Howser, you're completely useless at the counter.
Get on drive-thru.
I'll take those bacon cheese Small kiddy cola, fries, fish filet, no onions.
This is insane.
Why don't they buy a new speaker? Your cd player's matte black, right? I hate that imitation wood grain.
I listen to a heart through a stethoscope.
I diagnose delicate abnormalities by discerning minute variations in rhythm and tone.
I can do this.
Welcome to burger baby.
Can I help you? And how would you like that tennis shoe done, sir? No, I said a.
Howser, you're completely useless on drive-thru! Hey, Morris, get your butt out here! Guess what.
I hired someone even stupider than you.
Oh, well.
That was thoughtful.
Take howser's drive-thru spot.
Howser, stay away from my customers.
Hit the grill.
Ohh, the grill! Ooh, the grill.
The grill.
Yes, sir.
Oh, now, welcome to my world, howser.
Your cd is programmable, isn't it? Howser, you're completely useless at the counter.
Get on drive-thru.
Howser, stay away from my customers.
Yeah, well, no one's paying you to think Well, it looks like your greasy little life has finally taken its toll.
You're going to need a heart transplant.
What, are you kidding? Don't worry.
Eastman's tops with heart transplants.
Over one billion served.
O.
K.
What'll it be? Small, medium, large, x-large, or, in your case, may I recommend our x-small heart for those with a complete lack of compassion and understanding for the plight of others? O.
K.
, if that's what you think.
O.
K.
, great.
Now, let's see.
One x-small heart, parts and labor, additional bodily fluids There's always some leakage.
Always some leakage.
O.
K.
That comes to $120,000.
You want a lung with that? Are you out of your mind? Am I made out of money, you moron? I'm not going to take this from you, howser! I'm not going to take this! Do you even hear me when I'm talking, idiot? I'm sorry.
Sorry doesn't feed the bulldog.
That's coming out of your paycheck.
Excuse me.
I apologize, but no burgers for five minutes.
An idiot's working the grill.
I'm not an idiot.
What was that, howser? I am not an idiot, although this hat makes me look like one.
Up till now, I've allowed you to treat me like one.
But make no mistake, Mr.
I'amour.
Underneath this servile exterior beats the heart and mind of a human being, just like all the human beings in this room People who are forced through circumstance to wear stupid hats and say stupid things like, "you want fries with that?" That's enough.
Try sweeping up.
I don't think so.
Do we have his emergency contact? Lift-off.
Do you know why all your employees goof off and make fun of you? Howser! It's not because we don't like you, although we don't.
It's not because all teenagers are lazy and can't be trusted.
We do it for one very simple reason.
We don't get any respect here, one drop of simple human respect for our intelligence, our initiative, for our dignity as people.
So, here.
You can take my name tag, but you can't take my soul, 'cause I quit.
I'm walking out right now.
Who's walking with me? My Honda doesn't pay for itself.
I'm being rent-gouged by my own parents.
He's my uncle.
Hey, those cd players are pretty delicate.
Be sure you pack it real nice with those styrofoam peanuts! You still got the original box? Vinnie was right.
I've lost touch with my species.
I'm a Petunia in high-tops.
Aren't you taking this too seriously? After all, you did quit.
He would've fired me.
I couldn't even sell fries to a fat guy.
I was a total incompetent as a suck-up.
I let it get to me.
I hate to be the one to tell you, but you're not an average teenager.
You are already where most of these kids want to get to someday In the power seat.
So you can't go home again? Especially when you never lived there.
All right, howser, I've come to claim my prize.
Vinnie, you have my complete and total respect.
That's nice, but what I really want is your 16-bit processing, automatic, error-correcting cd.
Well, enjoy.
Your son really knows how to quit a job.
This guy makes Norma rae look like an introvert.
You sure all the cables are here? Yeah, all there.
I owe you an apology.
It is tough being a mindless idiot.
I thought you had no responsibility, but you have tons.
You've got no power.
That must be stressful.
Yeah.
Well, this should hook into my system, right? Yeah.
In a way, I have had it easier than you.
Even though I've had to work hard, everyone was rooting for me, but you don't get that support.
You have to achieve your goals despite the obstacles.
I'm sorry.
If you ever want to complain about anything, I'll listen.
You do go on.
Now, I'm going to go home and take a very long shower.
With all the grease, the water just beads up for the first 15 minutes.
Although, since I have this job, Janine tells me my skin's softer than a baby's behind.
One of the perks of the burger trade.
Here, here.
Let me take those.
Have I told you recently what a wonderful job you're doing? Well, you are.
I appreciate all your support.
Thanks.
What a zoo.
Yeah.
Dr.
howser! Isn't it great? Got your wheelchair! You want fries with that? Aye-yi-yi!