Empty Nest (1988) s03e15 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on I no.
I absolutely not.
I'm sorry, but no way, Jose.
- Who was that? - Jose.
Jose Jones, the mayor of my hometown, hickory.
Seems the city council is deadlocked on a major issue, and they want me to be the deciding vote.
Seein' as how I don't live there anymore, they feel I can be objective and impartial.
Well, come on, what's the issue? Well, it's big.
They're debating whether or not to put in hickory's first traffic light at the busiest intersection in town.
Well, if a traffic light is such a big deal, why don't they just go with a stop sign? Oh-ho-ho.
Oh, no way We're not gonna make that mistake again.
We had a four-way stop but everybody was so polite, you go first, no, you go first Hell, traffic was backed all the way up from hickory to dickory, doc.
Anyway, whether their light goes up or not is no concern of mine 'cause I'm not gon' get involved.
What kind of an attitude is that, Laverne? - I'm ashamed of you.
- Why? Because democracy can't work unless the citizenry is willing to get involved.
Oh, blow it out! Fine, Laverne, but if you don't like the way things are going in hickory, you have no right to complain, because you You are not participating in the process.
Well, maybe you're right.
Hickory has given me so much, maybe it's time I gave something back.
Okay, I'll do it.
That's the spirit.
Grace, is Jose in? Oh, he's out, okay.
He's uh, doin' his other job.
The mayor has two jobs? Oh, yes, but he'll be back soon, 'cause if his honor doesn't get that pizza there in 20 minutes, it's free.
Hi, I ordered for you.
You did? How could you know what I wanted? I just picked the stupidest snobbiest French-sounding thing on the menu.
Yummy.
Did you get everything on your list? I think so.
It is so complicated shopping for a new spring wardrobe.
Putting together complimentary fabrics, finding novel ways to incorporate this year's colors with last year's suits, coordinating handbags and shoes How did you do? Fine, got some socks.
Barbara, what do you think of this? Barbara Barbara.
Oh, my god.
Barbara, what's the matter with you? It's a man, not even a particularly special one.
Are you kidding? I have never seen anyone so perfect.
He loves me.
Well, of course you would believe that.
Every man you've ever wanted in your life has wanted you.
Many of the men I've wanted in my life have wanted you.
Hi, I'm Barbara.
This is my sister Carol.
Hi, I'm I'm Fred.
We were just shopping.
Oh, that's a Lovely way to Spend the afternoon.
Yeah, so do you work around here? Hmm? Oh, uh, yeah.
I have a store here in the mall about three shops down, "the kitchen sink.
" Oh, that's great.
I'm with the police department.
So if you ever get, like, robbed or something I'll remember that.
It was nice to meet you both.
What is wrong with this guy? He's obviously not interested.
That's never happened to me before.
I can only thank god I was here to see it.
Maybe he's having a bad day, or maybe he's gay.
Oh, Barbara, wake up.
You've been rejected.
Yeah? Well, we'll see.
What does that mean? Nothing, we'll just see.
Waiter Could I have my stupid snobby French-sounding thing now? Hey, westons.
Big news.
I'm buying a new car.
Oh, great, what kind are you getting? I don't know yet, how much cash you got? Charley, I'm not giving you a loan for a car.
Uh, come on, Harry, please.
Girls don't even look at me anymore, they just want guys with new fast cars.
Charley, why would you even consider going out with a woman who only wants you for your car? He doesn't even understand the question.
- Hi, anybody call? - Yes, Matthew called.
He said he would kill himself if you didn't phone back by 6:00.
Bill confirmed for Friday night, Craig wonders what you're doing on Saturday night, and then Matthew called back.
He was writing a suicide note.
II suggested some revisions, and we really started to hit it off.
Barbara, I hope you don't mind, but we're going to go out Friday night.
Hey, Carol, this is a first.
A blind date who actually wants to die before he meets you.
Are you sure Fred didn't call? Fred? Oh, you mean that guy you tried to hustle at the mall the other day? I don't know why you'd be waiting him to call, Barbara.
He's already rejected you once.
He has not.
He rejected me three times.
You saw him again? Yes, I've been hanging around the restaurant constantly for the last two days.
Barbara, this doesn't sound like you, chasing after a man like that.
Honey, that's It's demeaning and humiliating, that could be damaging to your self-respect.
I know What is happening to me? I'm acting like Carol.
Come on, honey, it can't be that bad.
I mean, come on, you forget this guy now, please, I mean, so he rejected you? Women get rejected all the time, ask your sister.
Why don't you girls talk and I'll just listen? Barbara, I have a suggestion.
Why don't you do what Scarlett O'Hara did? Who is this, another one of your stupid friends from the support group? No, Barbara, Scarlett was a character in gone with the wind.
She was in love with Ashley, who was about to marry his cousin.
Then she realized that Ashley had no idea how she felt about him, and all she had to do was tell him, and he would fall in love with her too.
And you think that'll work? You think it's the same thing? Well, sure.
I mean, well, Ashley was a Southern gentleman about to ride off to war, and Fred is some yahoo in a mall.
But other than that All right, I'll try it.
I'll tell Fred I like him, and then I'll ask him out, like Scarlett did.
Thanks, Carol.
Wait a minute, Carol After Scarlett told Ashley she loved him, he ran off and married his cousin anyway and left Scarlett Totally humiliated.
Whoops.
Okay, Laverne, I'm off to lunch.
Okay, if you see two people who look like lobbyists, would you send them in? - What, what lobbyists? - From hickory.
They're here to present opposing viewpoints on the traffic light issue.
After hearing their arguments, I will deliberate and in due time, reach a decision.
Then, you know, we'll probably have some ribs and stuff.
Oh, lurlene moss, Sam fedner, doctor Weston.
Sam, how are you? I remember lurlene.
Sam, I understand you're going first.
I'm here to speak in favor of the traffic light.
For years, many of us have viewed the intersection in question as a dangerous traffic hazard.
Last week, our fears were realized when phyla William's poultry truck overturned.
It was only by the grace of god those chickens were not killed and were able to make it safely to the slaughter house.
I'm not big on progress.
I'm not saying we have to turn our town into Syracuse or something.
I'm just saying we need this traffic light.
Thank you.
Powerful, powerful stuff, Sam, thank you.
- Are you ready? - Yes, I am.
My name is lurlene moss and I represent the committee against the traffic light.
We don't need it.
Thank you.
Lurlene, that was That was so movin' Let's go, Sam.
My god, I'm torn, I'm just torn.
What are you talking about? She didn't say anything.
Well, she may have not said much in words, but they is no missin' her point.
People in hickory don't want change, they're happy with things the way they are.
Oh, so you're gonna come up against the traffic light? No, no, I didn't say that.
Sam's chicken argument is equally compelling.
Safety is an important consideration.
Lordy, I don't know how I'm ever gonna decide this.
I may need the help of a wise and knowledgeable friend.
Well, I'll do what I can.
Good, watch the phones, I'll go get somebody.
- Hi, there.
- Hmm? Oh, hi.
I came here today because I really wanted to talk to you.
Oh, about what? Well Have you noticed that I seem to be wherever you are lately? No.
No, I uh - No, yeah.
- Yeah? Yeah, I'm sorry about that, it's just that I'm not used to doing things this way.
Oh, what way? Well, usually men come up to me.
They approach me.
And they say the kinds of things that I'm about to say to you.
Like I think you're one of the most handsome men I've ever met, and I'm very attracted to you.
Well, that is Very nice, thank you.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, this is easier than I thought.
How would you like to go out with me this weekend? Oh, I appreciate that, but no.
No.
Oh, I I should get going.
I'll see ya.
See ya Hey, Harry mundo! - Harry mundo? - Your new nickname, liking it? - Hating it.
- Taking it back.
Okay.
Anyway, Harry-ster.
My car problems are all over.
Oh, congratulations, you got a new car.
Wrong, har-meister.
I figured, why buy a new car when you can smell like the inside of one? Okay, explain, please, without calling me something stupid.
This is the answer to all my dating problems.
On the weekends, I like to smell sporty, so I use Maserati.
Right now I'm wearing the rolls Royce fragrance.
Here, take a whiff.
No, no, thank you.
You shouldn't be intimidated by the smell of old money, I'm telling you, babes can't resist it.
Charley, what happens if one of these ladies would like to actually take a ride in your car? I'm way ahead of you on that.
I just Lie.
And tell 'em the car is in the shop.
By the time they catch on, I already got 'em in the sack.
Well, gotta go, Harry-Simo.
Hi, daddy-kins! Enough with the nicknames! Oh, wait, honey! I didn't mean it.
I just - I hate my life.
- Yeah? I'll trade you.
Daddy, I told Fred I liked him, I told him I was interested in him, and I was totally humiliated.
Barbara, if this guy doesn't appreciate you, he's obviously not worth it.
I mean, why do you keep on chasing him? You're better than that.
Yeah, I probably didn't stand a chance with him anyway.
I talked to my friend Ellen, who works at the shop right next to his boutique, and she says he usually dates real domestic kind of girly girl feminine women.
That's not me.
So I guess that's it.
Right What are you gonna do? Hi.
Hi! I forgot you own the shop! How are you? Fine, how are you? Well, I'm feeling a little silly today, you know, I have so much housework, and yet I woke up with this irresistible desire to trot out and try on new aprons.
Well, come over here, I'll show you what we have.
Great, oh, there are so many.
I'm so bad at making decisions.
Oh, I can help you with that.
- Could you? - Sure.
You know, I'm thinking about redoing my kitchen, which is, after all, the most important room in the house.
It is.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, god, I'm making myself sick.
How about something like this? Oh, that is just I can't do this.
Fred, I don't need the apron.
I don't even cook.
I came in here today Pretending to be somebody else so that you would ask me out.
But I'm not that girl, I don't even like that girl, and I don't like me for pretending to be her.
I'm sorry for wasting your time.
- See ya.
- See ya.
Tomorrow night at 8:00? Dreyf, it's midnight.
There's a stranger at the back door, what do you do? Roll over? I would have gone with attack, but, pppbt! What do I know? Ah, hi, thanks for letting me come over, doctor.
I'm I'm just about at my wit's end.
Are you okay? You sounded terrible on the phone.
Well, it's this hickory traffic light thing.
It's really upsettin' me I just can't eat, I can't sleep, I had to talk to somebody.
What does your husband say about this? Well, it's late.
I didn't wanna wake him.
It's very thoughtful of you, dear.
So anyway, I'm just terrified I'm gonna make the wrong decision.
I wouldn't wanna do anything to hurt the town or the people.
Maybe I'd just better call Jose and tell him to find someone else.
I just don't think I'm up to this.
Laverne, that is not true, you're one of the most decisive people I have ever known.
At the office every day I watch you make decisions that affect the lives of people.
Just because you're having a harder time with this traffic light issue doesn't mean you're not up to it.
It means that you care very much, and you wanna look at it from every possible angle.
I guarantee you you'll come up with the right decision.
If you ask me, I think the people of hickory couldn't have put their trust in a more capable person.
- You really think so? - Yes.
Well, I'm very grateful, doctor.
You are my wise and knowledgeable friend.
Thank you, dear.
But you look like hell.
You oughta get some sleep.
Okay, dreyf, intruder's gone, all clear! Good dog! Good dog! Is that muffin good, daddy? Yeah.
It's really good, dear.
Excuse me, uh, Carol Could you kinda hold off on the tidying up until I'm finished? - Sorry, daddy.
- Hi, babe.
Oh, tonight's your big date with Fred, huh? - Yeah.
- You look real nice, dear.
Thanks.
So what time is Fred comin Carol Could you quit picking at me? Sorry, daddy.
- No! - Sorry, daddy What are you Come on! So anyway, what time is Fred coming over? I don't know, - 8:00, 8:30.
You know, considering all the effort you went to get this man, you don't seem very excited.
I don't? Oh, maybe I'm so excited that I'm not excited anymore.
That happens, doesn't it? No, not to anyone ever.
Or maybe I'm so interested in him, that I'm not interested anymore.
That happens, doesn't it? No, never.
Oh.
You know what I think? I think you're not excited about this date because it wasn't really Fred that attracted you.
It was the challenge of getting him.
Now you've got him and you're interested anymore.
All right, dreyf, it's dark.
There's a stranger at the front door, what do you do? Yeah! We're getting closer.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Ready? - Yeah.
What? Nothing.
It's - What is it? - Oh, no, it's just this crazy thing my dad said.
He seems to think that the only reason I'm interested in you is because you weren't interested in me.
And he says that if you were interested in me, I wouldn't be interested in you anymore.
That's not true, is it? I don't know.
Are you interested in me? Yeah, very much so.
Oh Fred, I'm sorry, but I don't really feel like going out anymore.
Oh Well, goodbye, I guess.
Wait, you're walking out of my life? Yeah.
Don't go.
Let me see if I got this straight.
I want you, you don't want me, I don't want you, you want me.
Yeah, that's pretty much it.
I think I can work with this.
I'm out of here.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
You're never gonna see me again, and I'm not gonna take you to dinner, I'm not gonna take you to a movie, and, uh I'm certainly not gonna kiss you on the first date.
Oh, Fred - Ah, lurlene! - Howdy.
- Sam.
- Buddy.
We came to find out Laverne's decision about the traffic light.
Oh, well, well, she's not in yet.
Maybe you should come back later.
No, we'll wait.
That's a real big pencil.
Oh, hello, everybody, I'm glad you're here 'Cause after careful deliberation, I have come to a decision in the traffic light issue.
And it is my considerate opinion that we do not need a traffic light.
- Yay! - Boo! But we do need something! - Boo! - Yay! Therefore, I will recommend to the honorable Jose Jones that a traffic policeman be permanently placed at the intersection at issue, thus sparing us from the dangers of modernization while still maintaining the safety of our citizens, and poultry.
- Brilliant.
- Inspired.
Come on, Sam.
How do you sharpen that thing? Now, Sam.
Laverne, I'm very proud of you.
You know, that compromise you reached was in the great tradition of our founding fathers.
I think it was Thomas Jefferson who said Oh, blow it out.
That's no way of talking about our founding fathers.