Futurama s03e15 Episode Script

I Dated a Robot You're entering a realm|Which is unusual.
Maybe it's magic or contains some|kind of monster.
The second one.
Prepare to enter The Scary Door.
Please send the man round back|and pick up Clyde Smith a professional gambler Who's|about to have an unfortunate accident.
A casino where I'm winning? That car must have killed me.
|I must be in heaven.
A casino where I always win? That's boring.
|I must really be in hell! No.
You're not in heaven or hell.
|You're on an airplane.
A gremlin's destroying the plane!|You've gotta believe me! - Why should I? You're Hitler.
|- No! Eva Braun, help me! - Saw it coming.
|- I just saw something incredibly cool.
A big floating ball that lit up with|every color in the rainbow plus some new ones that|were so beautiful I cried.
- In front of Discount Shoe Outlet?|- Yeah.
They have a kid wear that|to attract customers.
I don't care if it was|a dork in a costume.
For a moment, I felt the heartbeat of|creation, and it was one with my own.
- Big deal.
|- We all feel like that all the time.
- You don't hear us gassing on about it.
|- How can you be so blasì? It's the year 3000, yet you sit around|like it's the boring time I came from.
Boring? Wasn't that the period when|they cracked the human genome and boy bands roamed the earth? Yeah.
But now it's the distant future.
Why aren't we doing|everything I ever dreamed of? - You know what might be a hoot?|- No.
Why would I know that? Let's take Fry to do everything|he ever wanted to do.
- Everything?|- Except that.
So your fantasy has always been|to destroys a planet? Yeah.
What did they ever do for me? The most humdrum activities seem|almost exciting through your eyes.
- What next?|- I wanna see the edge of the universe.
- Sounds cool.
|- Funny, you live in the universe but you never do these things|till someone visits.
There it is! The edge of the universe.
Far out.
So there's an infinite|number of parallel universes? - No, just the two.
|- Well, I'm sure that's enough.
I'm sick of parallel Bender lording|his cowboy hat over me.
Let's move on to Fry's next fantasy.
Yee-ha! Bow before your master,|puny mortals.
- Mommy, why is that man like that?|- Don't look at him.
That was fun.
Let's give him a treat.
Keep your palms flat.
The tongue tickles.
These new hands are great.
|I'll break them in tonight.
It's been quite an hour and a half.
Two fantasies left: to be invisible|in a chocolate factory and to be romantically linked|with a celebrity.
I could pound your head till you think|that's what happened.
Wait, hold on.
|It is possible to meet any celebrity.
- It is?|- Of course.
You should read a blimp.
"Download a celebrity.
"|What part of that do I understand? It's simple.
You can download|a celebrity into a blank robot.
I have an idea.
Let's do that.
Onto the Internet you go.
While you're there, pick me up|a few credit card numbers.
Kirk could kick Picard's ass.
At least Picard had the guts|to admit he was bald.
You take that back.
eBay.
Are there no further bids|for this exquisite galaxy? Sold to the being of|inconceivable horror.
- Will a money order be okay?|- Yes.
- Where's the celebrity dating place?|- Let's search the Web.
Over there.
Welcome to Nappster.
|Let's see who we've got in stock.
- Gwyneth Paltrow?|- Nah.
I read she drinks human blood.
How about Cleopatra, whose|beauty destroyed mighty empires? I'd prefer someone|with shaved underarms.
Do you have anything with a|Lucy Liu feel to it? Nothing like that.
|Although we do have Lucy Liu.
Only woman to be named People's|Sexiest Woman of the Year twice: In 2003 and then again in 2063.
I'd like the 2003 model.
I found her! What do I do now? Download her.
Let's just put|a blank robot in the drive.
It worked.
You're one sexy man, Philip J.
Fry.
It worked perfectly.
Well, you downloaded Lucy Liu.
Are you just gonna stare|vacantly at her? I find your slack-jawed stare|very attractive, Philip J.
Fry.
Hear that? She likes me.
Well, duh!|She's programmed to like you.
But this is Lucy Liu, the only|good actress of the 21st century.
She's more than software.
Would you like to register me? - Not right now.
|- I'll remind you later, you hot stud.
So, what do you feel like doing? - Would you like to register me?|- I said later.
When I feel so stuffed I can't eat I use the restroom,|and then I can eat more.
You should write a book.
People need|to know about the "can eat more.
" You're just like I thought|you'd be from your movies.
My personality is mathematically|derived from my movies proportionately weighted|by box office receipts.
- You're cute.
|- You're cute.
- You.
|- You.
Oh, dear.
She's stuck in|an infinite loop and he's an idiot.
That's love for you.
Humans dating robots is sick.
|You people wonder why I'm still single? It's 'cause all the fine robot sisters|are dating humans! This is Fry's decision.
And he made it wrong,|so it's time for us to interfere.
She doesn't love you.
She can't.
|She's a machine- Stay away from our women!|You've got metal fever, boy! So what if I love a robot?|It's not hurting anybody.
He never took middle school hygiene.
|He never saw the propaganda film.
It's just lucky I keep a copy|in the VCR at all times.
Ordinary human dating.
It's enjoyable, and it serves|an important purpose.
But when a human dates an artificial|mate, there is no purpose only enjoyment.
|And that leads to tragedy.
Neat-o! A Marilyn Monroe-Bot.
You're a dreamboat, Billy Everyteen.
Harmless fun?|Let's see what happens next.
Do you want to walk your dog? I'd rather make out|with my Monroe-Bot.
Do you want to get a paper route|and earn some cash? No, thanks.
I'd rather make out|with my Monroe-Bot.
Do you want to come over?|We can make out together.
Your house is across the street.
That's an awfully long way|to go for making out.
What went wrong in that scene? Ordinarily, Billy would work hard to|make money with his paper route then use the money|to buy dinner for Mavis thus earning a slim chance|to perform the reproductive act.
But if teens can date robots,|why should he bother? Why should anyone bother? Let's look|at Billy's planet a year later.
Where are all the football stars?|And where are the biochemists? They're trapped.
Trapped in|the soft, viselike grip of robot lips.
All civilization was an effort|to impress the opposite sex.
And sometimes the same sex.
Now, let's skip forward 80 years|into the future.
Where's Billy? Farewell.
The next day, Billy's planet|was destroyed by aliens.
Have you guessed the name|of Billy's planet? It was Earth! Don't date robots! Brought to you by|The Space Pope.
Did that make any impression|on you? Fry? I knew I should have shown him|Electro Gonorrhea: The Noisy Killer.
What is the world coming to? That Fry's a sicko pervert, I tell you.
|Dating a robot, it's an atrosamacy! - But Fry's our friend, Bender.
|- Will you stifle there, meat bag? - You stifle, Bender.
|- Finally you're standing up to him.
Although he is completely right.
We've got to stem this|tidal wave of moral decay.
It's time to shut down|Nappster.
com.
Who's in charge? If you're an investor, you can|dump your money in the hole.
- Listen, you Internet nerd.
|- Listening.
Your company promotes wrong love.
If you don't shut down, the only thing|wired about you will be your jaw.
The Internet is about the free exchange|and sale of other people's ideas.
- We've done nothing wrong.
|Help! I'm being held prisoner.
Someone in trouble is.
No.
Stay out.
There's a guy going|for the Tetris world record in there.
- Who are you?|- Don't hurt us.
Help me! They've been holding|me prisoner for 800 years.
The real Lucy Liu!|The one you can see a movie of.
What's your problem? Those sweaty nerds are|making illegal copies of us.
It hurts! Open this door.
Don't make me|call the maintenance guy.
- It's a bluff.
|- We can't take that chance.
Move! - Please pick me up before you go-go.
|- She asked first.
Are you Lucy Liu? Sure.
We're doomed! They got the head.
|They uncovered the sign.
The world will learn|we're cyber-criminals.
We'd have gotten away with it if|it weren't for those meddling adults.
We'll stop them.
They like Lucy Liu? We'll give them all the Lucy Liu they|can handle.
Hand me that backup disk.
Did you see me escaping?|I was all like: Thanks for rescuing me.
|Especially you, Bender.
Quite a masculine piece of metal,|aren't you? Don't look at me like that.
If you're thinking of crossing|the line, you can forget it.
Bender don't bend that way.
Hey, look.
It's another Lucy Liu-Bot.
I am Lucy Liu.
Give me your spines.
Hey, what the-? Take this, and that, and one of these.
Cut it out.
|I don't need this kind of publicity.
All right, Liu.
Time to kick|your frosty, well-toned ass.
Then along came Bender.
Looks like you're retaining water.
That was incredible, Bender.
You're|like Jackie Chan before he got doughy.
Shucks, I wasn't afraid of that robot.
I'm pretty brave once you get past|my macho exterior- - It's an army of Lucy Lius!|- They're horrible.
Take this, and that, and one of these.
- Robot Crouching Tiger.
|- Robot Crane Style.
Now that's a wave of destruction|that's easy on the eyes.
This is the best movie I've ever seen.
|It has a vampire and an explosion.
It's amazing the way|you notice two things.
No! Don't open that coffin.
|It's ticking.
I have to, Alex.
That coffin's|not going to open itself.
Let's hide in here.
|It'll add to my box office gross.
- Fry?|- You guys came to watch me make out.
That is so sweet.
Wait, is that the head|of who I think it's of? Read the jar, Evelyn Wood.
Doctor Z? A herd of Lucy Liu are destroying|the city.
Is yours acting normally? Let me see.
Yep.
Why do you ask? If you Want to see the real vampire,|look in the mirror.
I can't.
I'm a vampire.
Why? And Nappster says illegal copies|never hurt anybody.
Quick, this way.
Sorry, ladies.
Employees only.
They're forming a human|pyramid Of robots.
We weren't counting on them|being as smart as they are sexy.
A dangerous mistake to make.
- At least we've got food.
|- Dr.
Zoidberg, cut open that bag.
- Hooray!|- And don't eat it.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Data error.
|Do not compute.
Life was bad,|but now it's good forever! You'll be safe in here, sweetheart.
|Get lost, Pavarotti.
If I don't survive the corn I love you as much as a man can|love a computerized image which is a lot.
Oh, Fry.
I love you more|than the moon and the stars and the- Poetic image|number 37 not found.
What are you doing? Get down.
Light hot.
Oil temperature rising.
- Oh, no.
|- Malfunction.
- This ain't good.
|- System error.
You saved us.
Are you all right? Yes, my love.
I'll be just-|Massive corn clog in port seven.
- Are you the last copy of me?|- Yes.
- Erase her, Fry.
|- What? No! When you downloaded her without|my permission, you stole my image and that's all I have.
That and|the largest gold nugget in the world.
I downloaded her|because I love you.
If you love the real me,|not just what you've seen in movies genre-straddling lawyer shows|and articles in People magazine you'll blank out that robot.
I'm sorry.
Hug me, Liu-Bot.
I'll always remember you, Fry.
|Memory deleted.
I know it hurts, buddy.
But at least you're not|in a sick relationship anymore.
And I guess now I can get|to know the real Lucy Liu.
- Yeah, at our wedding.
|- It's true.
Bender and I are in love.
But- But- Don't be a prude, Fry.