George Lopez (2002) s03e15 Episode Script

Dad, have you seen Mr.
Needles? - I can't find him anywhere.
- I haven't seen him.
I'm worried.
He didn't eat any of the food in his bowl.
Pour a little bacon fat in his food.
My mom used to do that with my dog.
He'd lick the bowl clean.
Maybe that's why he died when he was 3.
Yeah.
I guess Chihuahuas were never meant to be 45 pounds.
I just found Mr.
Needles hiding under the couch.
He doesn't look so good.
You know what? I think I should call the vet.
No.
Not Dr.
Lisby.
Every time we go to that guy he always finds something wrong just so he can charge us a fortune.
George, he's not making things up.
That dog has been through a lot with the diabetes, the cataracts the heart murmur.
He didn't have a heart murmur.
It just skipped a beat when he saw that giant thermometer heading south.
Fine.
I won't call Dr.
Lisby.
I am taking the phone for a couple of minutes.
I may take the dog out for a while later.
There may be a bill from the vet.
But you won, George.
You won again.
Darn your strength.
You know, if you don't wanna spend money, do what my uncle did when he was sick.
Ernie, I'm not gonna kill a chicken to save a dog.
No, my other uncle.
See, basically, he had a cyst the size of a grapefruit so he prayed for a miracle.
He promised God that if it went away, he'd go to Mexico and crawl on his knees up the cobblestone path that leads to the church of the Virgin of Guadalupe.
A month later, that cyst was gone.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH.]
That, man.
They can see Mr.
Needles in half an hour.
When I was a kid, we didn't go to the vet.
My mom just waited till it got dark, and then we took that dog for a ride.
- That is so mean.
- No, it wasn't.
We always dropped them off in a good neighborhood.
They had streetlights, all the cars were painted one color.
Nobody was selling corn.
When my mom opened the door, I should've jumped.
Angie, stop cradling that dog like he's a child.
The doctor sees that, he's gonna get us for as much money as he can.
But I do consider Mr.
Needles one of our children.
That's just because Carmen set the bar so low.
I'm sorry I kept you folks waiting, and frankly, I wish I had better news.
How much? Stop it.
We're not shopping for a car.
Yeah, but he might be.
Mr.
Needles has a tumor in his stomach.
- Oh, my baby.
- It's already shown signs of spreading but he has a slim chance if we operate quickly.
How much? Well, that depends on a lot of things.
But you can't put a price on a family member.
Oh, yeah? My son, 5 grand.
My daughter, 2200.
My mom, free if you tow her away.
Dr.
Lisby, how much will the operation cost? Around $3000.
Three thousand dollars? Ta loco, $3000.
Are there any other options? Well, if you decide against the operation the humane thing to do would be to put Mr.
Needles to sleep.
I'm sorry, baby.
Why don't you think about it.
You can leave him here and we'll keep an eye on him.
How much does that cost? That depends on a lot of variables.
If you want him to have his own room, a private nurse - How much? - A hundred and fifty dollars.
For a hundred and fifty, I can get him a hotel room and a hot poodle and send him off in style.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH.]
All night long.
Órale, what are you doing tonight? Angie, I don't want the dog to die, but 3 grand? What if one of the kids gets sick or hurt? You know, Carmen's gonna be driving next year.
Pretty soon, we'll be paying for smashed fenders and street signs, old people, coffee shops.
"Was I going the wrong way? Oh! I thought everyone was waving at me because I looked so good.
" [IMITATES HORN HONKING.]
When we took that dog in, we made a commitment to take care of him no matter what.
And we have.
We nursed that dog through diabetes and mange erupting tail acne.
If I had all that stuff, Angie, I'd be begging you to bury me in the backyard.
If I had to dig a hole big enough for your head, I'd rather put in a pool.
Look, Angie, you heard the vet.
Even with the operation, there's a good chance that the disease has already spread.
I know you're upset, but I don't think we have a choice.
- You want me to tell Max? - No, I'll do it.
- What are you gonna say? - I don't know.
Guess I could use the speech I prepared for my mom's death.
I just won't start it with: "The reason I'm drinking champagne is because" Hey, buddy, where's Mr.
Needles? He was gassy.
So I put him in Carmen's room.
Look, we gotta talk.
Mr.
Needles has a tumor in stomach.
I'm sorry.
It doesn't look like he's gonna make it.
But he's been sick before.
He always gets better.
Not this time, Max.
Mr.
Needles is in a lot of pain.
You don't want him to go through that, do you? No.
Neither do we so tomorrow we're gonna take him to the vet and end his suffering.
So we still got one more night.
He might get better.
- I don't think that's gonna happen, son.
- It could.
God, if you save Mr.
Needles I'll be nice to Carmen for a whole month.
Aren't you gonna pray? Okay.
Sure.
I hope Mr.
Needles gets better but sabes que I'm not expecting anything - Dad.
- I just don't want you to get your hopes up.
But you heard Ernie.
Praying worked for his uncle.
Okay.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH.]
Again, I'm not expecting anything.
But, God if you make Mr.
Needles get better I will crawl up the cobblestone path to that church in Mexico.
Thanks, Dad.
Okay.
Just remember, if prayers don't work Mr.
Needles will go straight to heaven.
And he'll be able to run again, and lift his leg and pee and he'll be that feisty little guy he was before he got neutered.
- Really? - Yep.
Every time a bell rings, son, another dog gets back his huevos.
[BARKING.]
I'm telling you, Mr.
Needles is better.
He's been like this all day.
He did finish all his food this morning.
Look, you two are breaking my heart.
This is a very, very sick dog.
Does that look sick to you? It's so sad, Angie.
He's kissing his ass goodbye.
Dogs know.
He knows.
Okay, uh We took more x-rays, like Mrs.
Lopez requested.
Listen, we can't find the tumor.
It's just disappeared.
I told you.
Wait a minute.
What do you mean disappeared? Take a look for yourself at the x-rays.
Yesterday, tumor.
Today, no tumor.
And you can tell it's the same dog, because he swallowed this heart-shaped earring.
Oh, I've been looking for that.
And I think you'll be finding it very soon.
But doctor, how does a tumor just disappear? If I had to guess, I'd say it's a miracle.
God heard us.
The prayers worked.
What are you talking about? I promised God I'd be nice to Carmen if he saved Mr.
Needles.
Dad made a promise too.
ANGIE: What did you promise? Heh.
Nothing.
Nothing big.
He has to crawl on his knees to some church in Mexico.
Really? What are you doing up there? You know, if you're listening to me now, I want two more wishes.
It doesn't work that way.
What do you know? You never saved a dog.
ANGIE: How's Mr.
Needles? He's doing great.
Dad, when are you going to Mexico and go crawl on your knees? You know what? Uh God came to me last night in a vision.
I don't have to go anymore.
Yeah? What'd he say? It was all a big mix-up.
It turns out he was trying to save some dog in China, Mr.
Noodles.
That is the lamest excuse I've ever heard.
Wait till tomorrow.
You know you can't put this off forever.
Max is gonna bug you about this for the rest of your life.
Angie, I can't go to Mexico and crawl on my knees.
Ernie told me the path to that church is a mile of rough cobblestones.
Should've thought about that before you made a promise to God in front of your son.
I thought the dog was on his way out.
I'm being punished for trying to comfort my boy? What kind of sick game is this? It's not a game.
What happened with that dog is a miracle.
Come on, don't tell me you believe that.
- Then you explain it.
- I can't.
I also can't explain why Martin Sheen is a Latino but that doesn't make sense, either.
Fine.
Blow off God.
But don't blame me when your hands turn to serpents and start biting your face.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Please, if God punished everyone who broke his promise to him the world would be filled with war and famine.
It is.
Dad's right.
People make promises all the time, and they never follow through.
Jason promised to take me to a movie, but just blew me off for basketball practice.
I couldn't say anything, he might break up with me and all I wanna do is keep being Jason McNamara's girlfriend.
[CARMEN SOBBING.]
I might go to Mexico to get the hell out of the house.
George.
If you don't follow through with this and anything happens to Mr.
Needles Max will never forgive you.
I can never do nothing in this house.
They're all crazy in there.
Why do you think I'm out here? Let's see.
Smoke or talk to Angie? Well, they both shorten my life.
But, you know, the tax on these helps pay for public schools.
This one's for the kids.
I'm not gonna go to Mexico and crawl on my knees.
George, it doesn't matter if you actually go, as long as Max thinks you went.
Mom, I'm not gonna lie to him.
Why not? He'll never find out.
George, remember when you were little and I took you to Disneyland? Yeah.
It was just a carnival in a church parking lot.
But there was Disney characters there.
Nope.
No.
Those dwarves you were hugging? They were just dwarves.
I can't believe you did that.
George, come on, we were broke.
I wanted you to be happy.
It worked, didn't it? I guess.
But what about SeaWorld with the lobster tank and that really good garlic bread? Let's not go down this road.
Hey, what are you doing? I thought you were supposed to be down in Mexico.
As far as Max knows, I am.
What? Oh, no.
You're gonna fake crawling on the cobblestones? That's sacrilege.
Come on, this is harmless.
It's not like I'm tricking him into hugging a bunch of wasted dwarves.
Okay.
How long have you been here drinking? Look, Father Rick just walked in.
George, it's a sign.
He's picking up money from the donation jar.
It's a sign.
- Hello, George.
- Why is he coming over? - How are you? - I'm good, man.
Take care.
[FATHER LAUGHING.]
How's it going, Ernesto? George is lying to his son and God and you've been sent down here to save him.
Is there something you wanna get off your chest, George? - Got a minute? - Sure.
Look, Father, my kid's dog was dying, so I promised God that if he lived, heh I'd crawl up the cobblestone path to the church of the Virgin of Guadalupe.
I've heard those cobblestones are like jagged knives cutting away at your knees.
Anyway, man, the dog got better.
No one knows how.
So now my son wants me to go to Mexico.
I only said the prayer to make him feel better.
Well, George, in the Bible, God doesn't bargain.
You don't offer him things to get things in return.
Thank you.
That's perfect.
That's what I can tell Max.
Why does it take you guys an hour to say the same thing on Sundays? You did make a promise, and if you don't keep your word that's bearing false witness, which would be breaking a commandment.
But it's not like one of the big commandments, right? Like killing or stealing.
I mean, come on, God just kind of threw that one in to fill up the tablets.
I mean, the nine commandments.
That sounds kind of lame.
Ultimately, George, you have to ask yourself do you wanna be a man who keeps his word or a liar? Okay.
Let's say I don't do this cobblestone thing but I do something just as good.
Let's say give a little something, something to the church.
Let's, say Huh? [GEORGE WHISTLES.]
George, is that a four or a seven? That is a one, my man.
Have a nice time in Mexico.
Oh, man, this is tough.
You know, we could walk a little bit on our feet, and nobody would know.
God would know.
You're one of those, huh? So why are you here? There was a horrible flood.
My entire village was lost.
As I clutched to the top of a tree and the waters rose.
I promised God if he spared my life, I would crawl this path.
And you? My kid's dog got sick.
GEORGE: Ah - Anything else before I go? - No, I'm all right.
[GEORGE GROANS.]
I'm gonna go get your pain medication.
I'll be right back.
Okay, I get it.
You're welcome.
[DOG FARTS.]
What was that? [DOG FARTS.]
Oh, come on, I can't move.
Go to Carmen's room.
Needles.
Go to Carmen's room.
Go.
[DOG FARTS.]
Oh, I think I know what killed that tumor.