Happy Endings s03e15 Episode Script

So you're saying that if filmmaker Kathryn Bigelow married and divorced former wrestler Bam Bam Bigelow, then married Deuce Bigelow, she'd be known as Kathryn Bigelow-Bigelow-Bigelow Male Gigolo? Yes.
And if Kathryn and Bam Bam had a one-night stand four-way with Andrew Ridgeley and George Michael, then that would be a wham bam, thank you, wham, with Bam Bam and Kathryn Bigelow-Bigelow- Bigelow-Bigelow Male Gigolo.
Right.
But what I asked was, "who's hungry?" - I could eat a sub.
- Oh, yeah.
I could always eat.
Okay.
I thought you idiots were going to the Bulls game? We tried to scalp tickets, but Dave's "instincts" kicked in.
I won these at a church raffle, so you can just have them for face value.
He's a cop! Deal's off, pig! - I told you.
Chicago PD has a jump street unit.
- Ugh.
We gotta watch the game here.
Well, you're gonna have to take it up with the little one over there.
Consider your TV Liam Neeson's daughter, 'cause this bitch is taken.
And your remote is also Liam Neeson's daughter 'cause this bitch is taken, too.
Why don't you just watch TV at your place? We don't have cable anymore.
Deal's off, pig! Well, in fairness to Dave, he has been overly suspicious ever since he accidentally got on that bangbus.
Everyone, quiet! "Baby Justice" is on.
Oh! This is that show about a sassy toddler named Justice who's also the honorary sheriff of a small town in Ohio.
The tagline is, "I'm gettin' too old for this poop.
" Talk to me.
Where's my gun? Uhh! Well, that crap is PBS compared to the other stuff she watches, which is basically people just getting hit in the sac for cash and prizes.
It's funny 'cause we're a nation in decline.
"Baby Justice" isn't garbage.
President Obama watches it.
That was an "SNL" sketch.
Look, guys, I may not read the paper or know what an ira glass is, but I have depth.
I will have you know that I am an avid journaler.
Oh, I gotta get my mitts on this.
I have been waiting my whole life for this moment.
Thank you.
Wait a minute.
This is just a series of top ten lists.
Coolest smells.
Celebrity crushes.
Favorite time of day? Ohh.
4-way tie for first.
Naptime is on there twice? Everyone needs two naps per day.
Honorable mention for "beer o'clock.
" This is serious journalism.
And that's where the term "downbeat" comes from.
- Cool.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow, I was way off.
Oh, man.
Thumb-face Larry is here.
Ugh! Oh, that guy is so annoying.
How many times am I gonna have to hear the story about how he test-drove a volt? And I hate how he's always trying to check the label on my shirt to see where it's from.
Yeah, plus he's bad in bed.
I've heard.
- Ah.
- Oh.
- From people.
- Mm.
- Who are me.
- Wait! You slept with Thumb-face Larry?! First of all, I blame beer goggles.
But he was the last gay guy in the bar, so I do have to blame queer goggles.
And he did give me a piece of his bagel, - so I do have to also blame schmear goggles.
- Mnh.
Look, I've just been trying to avoid him ever since.
- Oh, well, I think he just spotted you.
- Mm.
Oh, man.
Okay, act like we're in some sort of in-depth conversation so that he doesn't feel the need to come over here and interject.
- Of course.
- We got you, buddy.
Traitors! Uh, uh hey.
Hey! Hey.
Uh, sorry to do this, but would you mind, uh, pretending to have a fake conversation with me so that someone doesn't come over here and talk to me? Okay.
Uh, what should we pretend to talk about? I don't know.
Our fake marriage? - We're married? - D-- uh, dating.
- For how long? - Three years.
We're not married yet? Can't we just have one fake conversation without you talking about marriage all the time? Hey, Brad.
Hey, Penny.
- I love that shirt, Brad.
- Where's it from? Come on.
J-- hey! Get your thumbs off me, Larry! God! Structure.
So crisp.
Thanks.
Then it's settled.
Next Valentine's Day, we will meet at the top of the Empire State Building, and when I don't show up, you will jump.
Okay, this has got to be the weirdest way a guy's ever tried to hit on me, and honestly, I don't hate it.
Oh! - This happens a lot.
I'm not actually, um-- - Hey, listen.
I get great seats to tons of stuff through my job.
Would you wanna go to the Bulls game tomorrow? - The Bulls game? - Yeah.
With a beautiful woman? Y-- uh I'd have to be gay to say "no" to that.
Just to be clear, I am not gay, and yes, I do wanna go to the Bulls game.
So this is definitely weird.
Yeah, and I know I'm not dreaming, 'cause if I were, everyone would be me.
Oh, I'm sorry, guys.
I'm finished with the Metro section.
Help yourself.
Okay.
All right.
I'll bite.
Whatcha doin', Al? Well, I thought about what you guys said, and you're right, okay? I've been polluting my mind with tabloid magazines and entertaining television.
So from now on, I am only gonna read newspapers and watch TV shows where white guys sit behind big desks.
That is it.
Okay.
- Cool.
- Good luck with that.
What? You don't think I can do it? No.
We think you can do it.
There's just no way that you will.
And also you can't.
Come on, let's face it, Al.
You lose focus more often than that camera I told Jane not to buy.
- Eight years.
It's been eight years.
- I told you not to buy it.
You guys don't know what you're talking about.
All right, Al, remember that time that you tried to watch the AFI top 100 comedies, and you gave up when Harold and Maude didn't make it to White Castle? Or remember that time when you almost married Dave? Yeah, remember that? This time it's different, okay? I'm serious.
I'm as serious as this mess in Washington.
Am I right? What? Am I not right? I'm only halfway through the article.
Check out how dope my seats at the Bulls game were.
That's Carlos Boozer's knee.
That's Rip Hamilton's thigh.
That's the security guard's hand from when he took my phone because apparently upshort pictures are not allowed at the United Center.
- Hmm.
- So this girl took you to a Bulls game, you went for drinks after, then you walked her home.
Sounds like a date.
Good.
That's what I'm going for.
Wait.
Did you get off the "D" train and transfer to the "V" train at Grand Sexual Station? Guys, come on.
Gay.
Straight.
Human sexuality is a-- is a rich mosaic with vivid-- So you're using her for Bulls tickets? Some would say that she's using me.
Of course, those people would be wrong, and the more accurate description is that I'm using her.
Max! I'm doing her a favor.
Who would you rather her date, some 24-year-old jager hound who's only using her for her body? I would rather her date some sophisticated, older gay man.
- And who might that be now? - Really? Okay, as someone who's dated enough gay guys to earn the nickname "will she ever learn?", I cannot allow you to keep wasting this girl's time.
- Wasting her time?! - She'll figure it out.
She's young.
She's hot.
That makes it worse, Max! There are a limited number of hot chicks out there.
And on behalf of the 24-year-old jager hounds who don't have a voice, I also object.
How dare you, sirs telling me who I can and can't love? I am just glad that the gay guy that Sean Penn played in "Milk" is not around to hear this.
You mean Harvey Milk? I saw "Yes Man" instead.
Ohh.
Look at that little girl reading that great big book! "The Global Financial Crisis, A Macroeconomic Perspective.
" Jumping right into the deep end, no floaties.
I'll be honest, it's tough.
I'm having a hard time following some of it.
Well, if you're lookin' for the 4-1-1 on the GFC, look no further than the University of Dave Rose, Champaign-Urbana.
Here's what you need to know.
The economy is like this great, big unpoppable bubble.
Wait.
I don't think that lines up with what I just learned about the economy or what I've always known about bubbles.
Yes, it is a complicated matter.
Okay, you see, you have Fannie and Freddie.
They might be brother and sister.
Let me back up.
At the end of "Trading Places," they're selling frozen orange juice futures.
That-- you know what? Let me back up again.
Eddie Murphy was fresh off "48 hrs.
" Okay, let me stop you right there.
I'm sorry.
Am I moving too quickly for you? Dave no offense, but it just seems like you're bundling a bunch of your worthless ideas and trying to pass them off the same way the banks did with mortgage-backed securities.
Hmm.
I guess some of this is sinking in.
Dear God, what did that mean? Ugh.
Another text from Max.
It's a picture of him and Katie at the game.
Wait.
They have seats next to John Cusack's mom? - No, that's John Cusack.
- Oh.
I cannot believe Max is getting away with this.
It is so unfair to that girl.
And it's unfair to whoever has that seat behind his giant head.
We have to tell Katie he's gay.
Oh, that seems mean.
Okay, well, then let's use the gay stuff Max does to create a trap and force him to out himself.
All right.
What are the gay things Max does? Okay.
Hmm.
Oh! Doesn't he spend hundreds of dollars on lotions and creams? No, that's me.
Ooh! What about that binder he has full of pictures of men's goatees? - That's Dave.
- Mm.
But he does have that giant collection of gay porno.
- Weirdly, that's Alex.
- Oh.
And every time I ask her why, she just says "Hey, I don't smoke but I have ashtrays.
" You know, I'm starting to think Max is the least gay of all of us.
What a fresh character.
Except for the one really gay thing he does.
Sex with men? That's exactly what I was referring to! Oh! I wish there was a way we could use that.
Hey, Max! You remember Thumb-face Larry.
I mean, regular Larry.
Hey, Max.
I love that shirt.
Where is it from? - Oh, come on! Oh! - Enough for that.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So thanks for stopping by, but you guys gotta get going now.
Max! Are these your friends? - Uh - I think it's safe to call these two "more than friends.
" Am I right, Lar? Well, we did spend a magnificent night together.
Yes, coming up with business ideas.
Business ideas? I-I thought we had something special.
So did I, but the market didn't like it.
And the market-- she's a fickle lady.
We made love in your shower.
Is the title of the track that we produced together, which we thought would go - straight to the top of the charts.
- Oh, I remember that track.
Just sounded like a couple of dudes having sex.
Everybody's a critic, ain't they? Huh? Oh, hey! Larry, look! That guy's wearing two different shirts! I wish there was a way that we could find out where each one of them was from.
- I have a way.
- Yeah? You got some nerve on you.
Well, that was weird.
Weird alert.
Yeah.
I didn't know Max had a business partner.
She still doesn't know.
I wonder if I should invite Larry to the Bulls game tomorrow? I have a third ticket.
It's right behind the bench.
Aw, Katie, the thing is, Max is-- Really insistent on not mixing business with pleasure.
But I'll go to the game with you guys.
Great! What are you doing? What about the truth? Oh.
Right.
Um, Max and Penny used to date, and she's still in love with him, so any, like, wild claims she makes should instantly be dismissed as the ravings of a jealous mad woman.
- No.
See, okay-- - Awkward.
No, it's not awkward, actually, because it's not true.
- But, see, Max is gay.
- Ohh.
Sad, sad Penny.
I'm sorry.
No, don't you feel sorry for me.
I feel sorry for you! - Aw, now she's projecting.
- I've been there.
What? I'm engaged.
I don't care.
- How come I've never met him? - Okay.
Now should we eat at the game or go for steaks after? - I vote both.
- Both, yeah.
Go, Bulls! You don't understand.
Alex has gotten way smarter.
It's possible she's even smarter than me.
Until last week, you thought people in the army wore "camel-flage.
" Makes sense.
Camels are good at blending in.
Anyway, she's out of control.
I can't say or do anything without her correcting me.
I can't live like this.
We gotta get her back on the sauce.
All the old shows.
I'm talking fatsos in small spaces, real housewives in various locations, idiots giving roses to other idiots.
I actually think it's gonna be nice to have a little intellectual discourse with my sister.
Okay, fine.
If you won't help me make her dumber, then I'm gonna help me make me smarter.
So if you'll excuse me, I have some library books to read.
Your truck's on fire.
Why did I put the books next to the grill? Why did I put the books next to the grill?! Oh, God! Oh, dear God! Oh, God! I cannot wait to hear about all the new stuff you're learning.
But let's order first.
I'm thinking about the ribs.
Oof! Ribs for lunch.
No, too heavy.
I'm gonna have the salmon.
You get the beet salad, and we'll share.
You can pick the dressing, and long it's on the side and in the vinaigrette family.
You know what? I'll pick the dressing.
Classic controlling Jane.
No, I'm not controlling.
I'm just aggressively helpful.
Jane, it's okay.
And obsessive need to control is actually quite common in older siblings.
I'm reading all about it in a fascinating book on birth order.
That is a interesting theory.
Yeah.
It's an unconscious attempt to regain the status you felt you lost when I was born.
It's why you dye your hair, it's why you hate wearing long pants, and it's why well, don't even get me started on the whole interracial marriage thing.
That is mom-sense.
- Mm? - I mean, nonsense.
I mean, I-I don't The new baby doesn't have to wear the big girl pants.
- I know.
- Are you all set to order? Yes.
I'm gonna have the ribs, and she'll also have the ribs.
That way, we can share.
- We're gonna share ribs.
- Thank you.
So you are throwing a party for smart people.
Actually a salon is a type of gathering popularized in 18th century France, where writers, artists, and intellectuals would meet to refine their tastes through conversation.
Oh, sounds fun.
I wish I could, but I have stuff.
Tonight is gonna be a veritable who's who of people who respond to fliers they see on community college bulletin boards.
Well, you seem to have the hot hand intellectually.
What should I do about my Max situation? Sorry, Penny.
I can't help you.
But I do know someone who can-- Sun Tzu.
Dave's friend who always tries to sell me yarn? Oh, Penny.
- Classic Alex.
- What? Sun Tzu.
"The Art Of War.
" Turn your weakness into your strength.
As Max's crazy ex, you have intimate knowledge of the one thing he does not want to do.
Exercise? Bathe? Kill spiders? Hold farts in? Not eat sugar directly out of the bag? Have sex with a woman? Touch corduroy? Oh, it's touch corduroy! Dee! - No! It was "have sex with a woman.
" - Damn it! Use your knowledge of Max's repulsion to lady parts against him.
Wow.
You and your Chinese buddy are good.
Hey, Al! Look what we got.
Wait.
Is it "have got" or "have gotten"? Damn it.
I've forgotten how to use grammar.
All right, keep it together.
She can smell fear.
DVDs.
We have "Wipeout," "Jackass," and a Japanese game show where you carry your best friend's cat through a room full of dogs.
Sounds so fun.
While we're here, I'm gonna have you take a quick whiff of this modeling glue, see if it's gone bad.
- All this seems strange.
- Not really.
They're just intimidated by my growing intellect, and they want the old Alex back.
Listen, clowns, I got news for you.
I like the way I am now, and I'm not gonna change, so deal with it.
Oh.
This glue smells fine to me.
Mmm.
Trees.
Oh, God.
All righty.
Okeydokey.
So I heard Katie's taking you and Max to the Jay-Z concert on Saturday night.
- That sounds fun.
- Yep.
It's his last retirement tour before his next last retirement tour.
Wait.
How do you know that? Oh, Katie told me when I invited her here.
When you what now? - Hey, guys! - Hi there! There's my little sweetie.
Hey.
Penny, what are you doing? You're not gonna embarrass yourself again by making a bunch of jealous accusations, are you? Actually, I invited Katie here to apologize.
You were right, Brad.
I do have unresolved feelings for Max, and that's why I was talking so cray.
Okay.
Uh-- They're not feelings up here or here.
More like down here.
- Oh.
- Real talk-- Max gave me the most world view-shattering sex of my life.
Eh-squeeze? Katie knows what I'm talking about.
Am I right, girl?! Actually, we've been taking it slow.
Well, that explains why you still have your voice.
You haven't lost it yet from screaming.
- Ugh.
- Tell you the truth, we haven't even kissed yet.
But we have done something Max calls "forekissing.
" Nice.
Nice.
Aw! Boop, boop, boop.
Oh.
Oh.
You were amazing.
Oh, sure.
That move.
He calls that back later.
And when he does, be prepared to purchase a whole new bedroom set.
All of it? Oh.
Well I do like sex, and I hate my current bedroom furniture.
Then make a move, girl! - Do not wait.
- Or a-keep a-waiting.
At least until after the Jay-Z concert, 'cause you're gonna wanna have full range of motion, pelvicly speaking.
Uh, I think I'm gonna opt for the world view-shattering sex instead.
- Yeah, girl! - Hey, now! Ahh.
Max, it's an emergency! Open up! Hey, Brad.
Ugh.
Larry? Really? What? I needed to blow off some steam.
I've been forekissing all week.
Besides, he doesn't look that much like a thumb.
- I look like a thumb? - Whoops.
Not now, Larry.
A little.
Listen, man, we have a situation.
Your girlfriend's gonna try and have sex with you.
Ah! Well, I fold.
Too rich for my blood.
Hey, hey! No, no, no! Come on, man, you can't quit now! The Jay-Z concert's in three days! You're right.
- You're right.
I can do this.
- Yes! - It's just sex with a woman.
- Right? - Straight guys do it all the time.
- I did it this morning.
And I can do anything I set this mind to.
Lady butt.
Gross! Why are they so weird and hairless? All right, we have work to do.
Um Va Testicles.
All right.
Fallopian Dudes.
Which is why I think our understanding of the subconscious will evolve the more we learn about - the cognitive structures of the brain.
- Very true.
You know, I was reading about Freud, and his theory on the subconscious was fascinating.
Freud? Excuse me, 1897 wired.
They'd like their antiquated notions back.
Well, they can't have 'em.
You know what I mean? No, I don't.
Anyway, the prefrontal cortex houses broca's area, so we get to choose our This is really romantic.
So romantic.
- You know what else is romantic? - What? - DVDs.
- Ooh.
I got "Schindler's List.
" We could watch that.
Okay.
I got a documentary on female circumcision, and I got a home movie that I made that's just a bunch of scenes of old men buying fruit.
So we're in for a pretty steamy night.
Mmm.
Speaking of steamy, I feel like it's it's hot in here, right? It's kind of yeah Usually, this apartment - A little hot, I feel.
- is drafty.
I feel like it.
- Oh, you brought those.
- There are these.
You know what else is sexy? This compression sleeve.
- Mm? - What do you say we just strap this over your yabbos? Flatten those perky things out? - What? - What? - Forget that.
- Oh.
- Let's take it back to one.
- Okay.
Okay, here I come.
I'm sorry.
I'm gay.
Of course you are.
I had a feeling.
Why have you been going out with me then? At first, it was just 'cause of your sweet-ass Bulls tickets.
But but then, Katie, I got to know you, and it was still just about your sweet-ass Bulls tickets.
It's true what they say.
All the good ones are either taken or gay.
Um, okay, you're not a good one.
You're a liar, and you have my mom's body.
So good-bye, Max.
Are we still going to the Jay-Z concert? If we are, don't say anything! Just slam the door! I hate myself sometimes.
Hey, Larry.
- Hey, Al.
- Hi.
We've been looking for you.
Why aren't you out at your party? You guys were right.
The smart world is not for me.
No, we were wrong.
We think it's great that you're bettering yourself, and we should've been more supportive.
Yeah, we kinda suck.
But those people I mean, you mix up the in and the ego one time, and they are all over you.
Well, in your defense, those are two similar-looking fish.
- Oh.
- That's not right, is it? - No.
- Okay.
It's too bad, 'cause I enjoyed knowing stuff about things.
But on the bright side, I get to catch up on my shows.
I wonder if Baby Justice ever brought down that dogfighting ring.
You know, you don't have to choose one world or the other.
Yeah.
You can be smart and still watch crap.
I mean, just do what everyone else does and like it ironically, when really there's no difference between that and actually liking it.
You had me at "watch crap," then you lost me at "ironically," then I just got hungry.
- She's back.
She's back! - Oh.
Oh! She's back! So what do you say? You wanna get back to your party? I got a better idea.
Get out, nerds! Ooh! He got it in the nads! Right in the nuts.
Bye.
- Maxy, did you learn your lesson? - Oh, yeah.
Next time I pretend to be straight for free Bulls tickets, I gotta tell 'em right off the bat I can't have sex because my penis has been cursed by a witch.
Yeah, super believable.
Do not try and top that.
- I won't.
- 'Cause you can't.
- Hey, guys.
- Katie.
What are you doing here? I'm taking you to the Jay-Z concert.
Awesome.
Really? No, fat ass.
I'm bringing Penny! Aw! She called you a fat ass.
You see, we bonded over all the gay guys we've dated.
In fact, I'm seeing this new guy and he's coming to the concert tonight.
- Ohh! - You gotta meet him.
- Congratulations.
That's really - Derek Drama.